01x10 - Something Borrowed, Something Ben

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

( Sighs )

I can't believe this day is finally here.

We are walking down the aisle in less than 24 hours.

Which gives you less than 23 hours to remember you're not the bride.

I know, but Katie picked me to be her maid of honor for a reason.

I figured it was because she didn't have any other friends.

( Scoffs )

No.

Well, not a lot, but she knew I would get the job done.

Okay.

And you are doing such an awesome job shoving hundreds of almonds into little girly bags.

Oh, wait. These are my hands.

Hey, I love a wedding, okay.

There's just something so emotional.

Oh.

When the ladies start throwing themselves at me.

( Laughs )

Hey, hey. If history is any indication, they will be lining up for a second helping from the Tucker buffet.

You know what I'm saying? Okay.

Huh?

What do you think?

Riley: Danny?

What are you doing?

Breaking it in.

Still kind of smells like the last guy who wore it.

Danny, no.

I told you to get something classy.

Don't worry. I'm gonna wear a shirt.

It's even got ruffles.

( Groans )

Hey, maidzilla.

We're all doing the best that we can here, okay?

All right, done.

Okay, actually that was my best.

One other quick thing while you have a moment, is there any way you can put me and Gene at the same table?

Gene?

Pig in the girls' locker room Gene?

Chili powder in my jock strap Gene?

Barf in my begonias Gene?

Yeah. That Gene.

No, no way. He was not invited.

I know. I thought that was weird, too.

So he's my plus one.

I thought I was your plus one?

You can be Danny's plus one.

Why does he have to be mine?

I was gonna get the beef and the chicken.

All right, listen. No one is getting a plus one.

Oh, well then I am done tying these little pink bows.

I will come up with something a little more threatening in a moment.

You can come.

But Gene cannot.

Ben, this is supposed to be a dignified and classy affair.

All right, there.

Ow!

Bride down, people.

Bride down.

And it will be classy.

Gene's changed a lot since high school.

We all have.

( Chuckles )

Give him a chance, please?

Ugh. Fine.

But I am warning you, if that guy even--

( cell phone ringing )

Hello? Hi, this is Riley.

What?

No, you can't!

But the wedding is tomorrow.

Oh my God, it's the caterer.

They're canceling.

Uh, listen.

I am practically a lawyer, and if you are not there tomorrow with 500 salmon croquettes, I will sue--

What? Sue me?

Gene.

Both: Gotcha!

( Laughing )

All: God, I hate that guy.

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

I still can't believe you invited Gene to the wedding.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking it would be fun to invite somebody who was actually...

Fun.

Just please tell me you have everything all set up for tonight's rehearsal dinner?

We're good. I just need to get some ice.

And some liquor.

And maybe some cups.

Ben, ugh. What is your problem?

I don't know, I'm sorry.

It just feels like they're rushing into it.

They've been dating since they were 11.

Doesn't that freak you out a little?

We're the same age.

Oh, well, we all know how traditional you are.

Hey, how's your baby?

So, Riley.

Too bad you waited until after high school to get hot.

Otherwise, it would have been you and me instead of you and my boy Ben here.

Oh, me and Riley?

No, no, no, no. We're just friends.

Yeah, me and Ben together?

That would be crazy.

Oh, so you're available?

And once again, I've shown up to the party just in time.

And once again, you are not invited.

So, Wheeler...

What's our back-story for the ladies tonight?

We Wall Street moguls or brain surgeons?

What about this--

I'm a brain surgeon, and you're a Wall Street mogul whose life I just saved.

Thank you, doctor.

I'm eternally grateful.

( Both laughing )

Can you believe it?

Aah! I am actually getting married.

I know.

But if I could just get a few minutes of your undivided attention to go over some of these last minute details--

I am all yours.

Great.

So, first off, we have--

( Cell phone vibrates )

( Gasps ) It's from Dave!

He misses me. Smiley face, smiley face, heart.

Aww. That's adorable, Katie.

But he's right there.

Getting his coffee.

Isn't he just the sweetest?

Oh, I just love him.

Yeah. Don't we all.

So, anyway, as I was saying--

Did you know that today is our 4,643rd day as a couple?

We've never been apart.

Yeah. I remember some very awkward slumber parties.

Every time I think about the day we met, I just get goosebumps all over again.

Oh, look!

We're just never gonna get through this, are we?

And now, the most important part of a wedding, the video.

Which Katie asked me to do, so suck it, Riley.

Hi, Katie.

Hey, Mom. Come on, I thought you wanted to get us carrying the cake in.

Yeah, and make sure you get my good side.

Well, actually that should be easy because, you know, both of my sides are good.

( Chuckles )

Where is the focus on this thing?

You know, I haven't used this camera since your father and I tried to make a sex tape.

Mom! Where are we going with this?

Well, we were just trying to spice things up a little.

No, Mom. The cake.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. All right.

All right, I will guide you in, all right?

Watch the end.

All right.

Watch the ottoman.

Just another couple of feet.

Almost there, we got this.

My biceps are gonna look great.

All right, here we go.

Oh, this looks so great.

Bonnie: One, two...

You're good.

Okay.

Oh!

The depth perception in this thing is horrible.

What a warm and loving tribute to your granddaughter.

She will be so touched.

Probably more touched if I'd touched the on button.

Hey, Tucker.

( Chuckles )

So, it looks like these two crazy kids are really gonna do it, huh?

You know, it just makes me feel all...

Vulnerable.

I'm the bride.

Oh.

So I'm probably wasting my time here?

Mm-hmm.

There's not a bridesmaids holding area, is there?

You look cute.

Hey, Danny.

I just came to check on-- where's the cake?

The cake.

It's in the walk-in fridge down at the bar.

Wow. That was a really good idea.

Actually, that would have been a really good idea.

What is this doing here?

Oh, Emma wanted to play with it.

Argh.

Aww.

They always look so perfect together on top of the cake.

You're gonna be a beautiful bride someday.

Thank you.

Still imagining yourself up at the altar with Ben?

( Scoffs ) Ben?

No, I don't think so.

That was just a crush.

Well, someday you'll find a guy who truly appreciates you.

A guy who can look into your heart and know what you're thinking.

Yeah, okay.

That would be nice.

Someday, my heart should probably get back upstairs.

You know, party.

Are you gonna come up?

Yeah, in a minute.

Okay.

( Door opens, closes )

Oh.

You know, Katie, it's still not too late to shop around.

How would you like to take a ride on the Gene machine?

And that's the dating pool.

You got out just in time.

All right, woo!

Two minutes to midnight.

Dave, no seeing the bride on the wedding day.

All right, let's move.

I love you, Katie cat.

I love you more, Davey bear.

Aw, now you have a whole night apart to think of new nicknames!

Okay, Wheeler.

After hours bar, strip club, or after hours strip club?

Why limit ourselves?

( Laughing )

I don't know.

Ben? Wedding priorities?

Tomorrow's a big day.

Wow.

Who opened a bag of "wah."

Can you please at least make sure Katie gets a cab back to her hotel?

Yes, I'll make sure the bride gets home safe.

And relax, I think I can handle myself.

Ben: ( Groans )

Oh, my head.

( Sighs )

Mmm... Davey bear don't you want to snuggle with your Katie cat?

It's actually your Ben...

Bunny.

( Screams )

Ben, what are you doing in my bed?

Wondering what you're doing in my bed.

But how did I-- wait, did we--? Wait, what happened?!

I was hoping you could fill in some of those details.

What am I gonna do?

This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

Aah!

Deep breath. Deep quiet breath.

Okay, we'll get you out of here.

It'll be our secret. No one else will ever know.

Morning.

( Screaming )

Oh, God, no!

Okay, maybe just one other person will know.

What is the matter with you?

I don't have a mother who knocks.

She is getting married in three hours.

I know. You have to help me get her out of here.

( Sighs ) Fine.

But I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this for dear, sweet, lovable, innocent Katie.

Who will now just be known as Katie.

Be ready to move in two.

Judging from this splatter pattern, I detect that this is the bottom layer.

Hey, Nancy Drew...

Change of plans.

You've got to get out of here now.

Oh, no. Not happening.

I've got a cake to build, a tuxedo to wear, and a dance floor to dominate.

Okay.

Whoo. Yep, uh-huh.

Okay, now where is that top tier?

Any chance that's it?

What?

Yes, that's it. What is wrong with you?

I was hungry.

And I like cake.

I just won't have a piece later.

What?! Right now?

You're in the lobby?

Guys, it's Riley.

She's on her way up.

Go, go. Cake, cake, cake.

( Murmurs )

( Knocking on door )

Congratulations on your big day.

You should still wear white. I did.

Hey, Margo.

Is there any chance Katie's in your room?

What?

No, of course she's here.

Stop calling me. I'm very busy. Bye.

( Phone beeps )

Oh my God. Katie.

We are walking down the aisle in less than three hours and you look like you slept in a dumpster.

I mean...

How are you?

I don't think I can do it.

I don't know if I can get married.

Katie, what happened?

Are you determined to destroy this wedding?

Honestly, Ben. You are unbelievable.

Yeah. Sometimes I surprise even myself.

But if our blabbity bride would shut up, this whole problem would go away.

It's not going away.

She's thinking of calling off the wedding.

Really? Because of me?

No, because she's running away with the circus.

Yes, because of you.

God, these are people's lives that you're messing with, Ben.

So what should I do?

I don't know.

But you are gonna fix this.

Are we clear?

Very.

( Sighs )

Oh, you mean now? Okay...

Oh my God.

( Knocking on door )

You.

Yo, Katie.

I just wanted to check in and make sure you weren't having any second thoughts.

Second thoughts?

Oh, we're way past second thoughts.

I don't know if I can do this.

I don't know if I can get married now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I sure hope it doesn't have anything to do with me.

It has everything to do with you!

Yeah, I've been kind of hearing that.

( Sighs ) I thought that I could do this.

And then I thought "oh my God, I cannot do this."

And then I thought "nobody needs to know what happened" because I don't even know what happened," and then I thought "I will know," and then I thought "oh my God my head hurts from all my thoughts"!

Did you ever think you might be overreacting just a titch?

Overreacting?

You think that I'm overreacting?

Just throwing it out there.

Because I don't.

I think I am reacting exactly the way you're supposed to react when you wake up in bed with some idiot the morning of your wedding to the most wonderful man in the world.

I have been waiting for this day my entire life.

And you! You-- you, Ben Wheeler, have stolen it from me!

Okay, now you're making me feel bad.

Ben, what if Dave finds out?

How can I ever explain it to him?

It's gonna be okay.

I'm gonna leave this room, and we're never gonna mention it again.

Okay?

Never happened.

Dave is never gonna find out.

Dave: Katie? ( Knocks on door )

Are you there?

It's me, Dave.

Dave, you're not supposed to see me before the wedding.

Dave: But we need to talk.

I got a text saying I should ask you about Ben.

I thought you said you didn't tell anyone.

I didn't.

I don't think.

Still a little fuzzy on the whole last night thing.

Dave, you have to believe me.

I, uh--

Oh, you look so cute in your tux.

What happened between you and Ben?

Nothing, I swear.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Oh, that's what I like to see.

Our two lovebirds are back together and our wedding is back on.

When was it off?

Never.

You know, that's just an expression.

Like "break a leg" or "have a nice day."

What does that even mean?

All right, run along now.

You sure everything's okay?

I'm sure.

Okay, all right.

See, there, I knew you would come to your senses.

Whatever happened between you and Ben was just a dirty rest stop on your way down the happiness highway.

Excuse me, Riley. I was haling this.

Ben?

I can't do it.

The wedding is officially off.

You know, we were doing fine until you showed up.

Pretty impressive, huh, Emma?

Don't tell anyone, but levels two and three are completely made of cardboard and toothpaste.

Hey, Mrs. Whee.

Oh.

Hey, mom. What do you think?

I think we should get a move on while my hair is still up and my dress shields are still dry.

Where's your brother?

We're gonna be late for this wedding.

If it's even actually happening.

It better be.

Look, I have narrowed down my list of eligible ladies to an elite eight.

Do not deny them Tucker in a tux.

Wait, why wouldn't it be happening?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe a little thing called "Ben slept with the bride."

Ben slept with the bride?

That is so wrong.

I totally hit on her first.

Ben would never do that.

Come on, back me up, Mom.

Oh, Ben is guilty as sin.

You should see the video.

Tucker and Danny: What?

The question is...

How did you know, Gene?

Oh, I have my ways.

Oh, and so do I.

Tucker?

Huh?

Hold my earrings.

I got you, girl.

Katie, please come out.

Just put on the dress. You'll feel better.

I know I did when I had it on.

Probably not important right now.

Don't you get it?

I have never lied to Dave before, ever.

If I can lie this easily to my future husband, then maybe you and Gene were right.

Maybe I'm not ready to get married.

Okay, first lesson. Never listen to Ben and Gene.

Katie, you have to marry Dave.

Sometimes Ben's okay.

And why should I?

So you can stop feeling guilty?

No.

Because you're truly meant to be together.

You love him and he loves you.

You have since the moment you set eyes on each other.

I was just being a jerk because...

I'm jealous.

Of me and Dave?

Who isn't?

You have what everybody wants.

A true love, a soul mate, a best friend, all rolled into one.

The rest of us are just running around like idiots hoping for even half of what you have.

I just wish that...

One day, I'll look up at a girl and just...

Know.

Say yes. You have to say yes.

Yes.

Yes, thank you.

All right, let's move.

We've got a wedding to put on here, people.

( Knocking on door )

What are you guys all doing here?

Making a few deliveries.

Tux, cake, and dirt bag.

Wait, where's Emma?

Bridesmaids holding area.

Hold up. What? That's a real thing?

What is going on? That is not the cake I ordered.

Okay, mister.

You're up.

Gene, what did you do?

Last night after you both passed out in separate rooms, I kind of put you and Katie in bed together.

( Chuckles )

Gotcha!

All: What?!

So we didn't--?

Nope.

Let me handle this.

Now I gotcha.

Oh, of all the times not to be rolling.

Okay, is there any chance that you could do this again?

All right, we can do this here.

Hey.

Hey.

So, what'd you think?

I think you did a pretty amazing job.

We did a pretty amazing job.

Okay, me.

( Chuckles )

Did you have fun tonight?

I actually did.

My only regret, I didn't get to dance with the maid of honor.

Well, the night isn't over yet.

Did you mean everything you said to Katie?

I did.

Do you ever think we'll find that special someone?

I'd like to think so.

Riley: You know, a wise man once told me that someday you'll meet someone and they'll look right into your heart.

We should probably get back, huh?

What's the hurry?

( Chuckling )

Woo.

I just never imagined this happening so soon.

But I guess when two people have known each other their whole lives, it just becomes inevitable.

I know it feels fast, but when it's right, it's right.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Tucker: By the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you giraffe and wife.

( Cheering )

You may now drool on the groom.

Tall, dark, and machine washable-- well done, Emma.

All right, that's one Wheeler down.

Who's next?