02x02 - There's Something Fitchy Going On

[bunniefuu]

( gibbers )

( gibbers ) ( laughs )

When I got the job, I was like, "finally!"

Right? The whole goal was to work in Television.

But now, all I'm doing is getting coffee for people who work in Television.

Are you even listening?

Totally.

That was water. What--?

Dude, if I could just figure out a way to get that promotion--

Look at him. It's like he invented peek-a-boo.

So much for bartenders being good listeners.

I just don't want to see Riley get hurt by some rugged, stubbly-faced, peek-a-boo-playing liar.

I'm telling you-- I don't trust that guy.

I actually like Dr. Fitch.

And I don't even think he's a real doctor.

He has a Ph.D. in Social Work from Harvard.

Yeah, good luck with that next time you come down with the flu.

Am I really the only one who sees through this guy's act?

Runs an orphanage in Zimbabwe?

Worked for the Peace Corps? ( Scoffs )

Who hasn't used that line?

What line?

Hey, CeeCee, have you met Tucker?

He just got back from the Peace Corps.

Hmmm.

Maybe we can have a drink sometime.

Am I the only one who didn't know about this?

I know him because I am him.

And here I come. Hey, Fitch!

Hey, guys. Thanks for letting me spend the day with your little lady.

You, my friend, are a role model.

Single dad? Nothing but respect.

Catch you later.

Wow, what a jerk.

Hey, how do you guys know Fitch?

He's dating our friend. Wait.

How do you know Fitch?

He's a bartender at McDillon's.

A bartender?

Ha ha. I knew it!

Wow. He really is you.

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Riley, I get no pleasure in telling you this, but Fitch is not who he says he is.

He's actually a bartender at McDillon's.

Oh my God, are you serious?

Fitch is a bartender?

What kind of a monster makes drinks and serves them to people?

Exactly my point.

He's been tending bar there on and off since grad school.

He said he can make enough money in a night to dig a well that would bring fresh water to an entire village.

Really? I should work at McDillon's.

Ben, Fitch is sweet, selfless, and possesses one of my favorite qualities: He likes me! So keep your comments and opinions to yourself.

Riley, I just--

To yourself!

( Vibrates )

It's work.

Chase needs me.

Chase needs me!

Bossman chase?

What other chase is there?

The star of "chase live" chase.

Nicest-guy-on-TV chase.

Oh my God, I didn't even think he knew my name.

Do you know what this means? Oh God.

I'm finally going to be recognized for my talents and leadership skills.

( Moans )

Too hot. Too dark. Too sweet-- unless you're talking about me. ( Laughs )

Listen, Thomas--

Uh, Tucker.

Thomas Tucker. I like it.

Good alliteration. Look, man, thanks for hanging out while I got my makeup done.

Technically I'm not allowed around the other female employees.

If you ask me, those chicks in Legal are being a little sexist.

I am happy to help.

So I was wondering if I could--

Talk to me.

The cover? All right!

How compromising?

Well, why didn't somebody tell me she was married?

Okay, Kenny, make it go away.

I don't know. Find something for me to pretend I care about.

( Beeps )

If only I could find one decent person to step up and handle things around here.

That is kind of what I wanted to talk you about.

Thomas, I forgot that you were here.

But you're exactly who I need right now.

I am?!

Yeah, because I'm going to wardrobe and actually I'm not allowed to be alone with those women either. Let's move.

( Door opens )

Hello!

Whoa whoa!

Guess I don't need cable anymore.

Hey, Ma. You remember Milena-- and that you don't live here.

( Enunciating ) Hello Milena!

How are you?

Mom, she speaks English.

So a supermodel, huh?

I was going to be a model when I was your age.

Could barely walk down the street-- "Oh, Bonnie, you should be a model!"

So why didn't you?

Well, one drunken prom night and a giant baby later, and I realized I wanted more out of life.

That's a sweet story.

Then I didn't tell it right.

Hey, Mom, could you take a picture of me and Milena?

She wants to send one home to her mom.

( Clicks ) - There.

The sort of softcore photo any mother would be happy to put on her mantel.

And I will see you tonight, miss.

Do svidaniya. - Hasta la danke schoen!

I guess it's true what they say, all boys end up dating some version of their mother.

I like her.

Yeah, so do I.

But what I really like is that you're not mooning over Riley anymore.

( Scoffs )

I never mooned over Ri--

( mimics scoff )

Yeah, that's nice too. But it's been tough to move on.

I've been in love with her ever since she first climbed into my tree house.

I kinda just always thought she was...

The one.

But she's never going to see me that way and I'm done.

Well, honey, I am proud of you.

I'm just glad I never actually told her how I felt.

I could have lost my best friend.

Well, you didn't and you're moving on.

Yeah, I just don't think we'd ever be the same if she knew.

Voicemail: If you're satisfied with your message press one.

Oh no, no no no no no no!

You must have hit Riley's number when you took that picture.

That is not possible. Give me that. Just--

( beeps )

Message sent.

Mom!

All right, all right, I definitely did not want to do that.

But you know what, honey? I'm sure it's going to be fine.

I-- I-- I bet it didn't even go through.

Hello, we're back! Did you just try to call me, Danny?

Um, I don't think so. Let me check.

Oh ha, butt dial!

Erase it. I'm sure my butt doesn't have too much to say.

So what have you two been up to?

Us? Nothing.

I mean can't a mother stop by to see her son?

I mean so many questions, Riley.

Okay then, I'll just put Emma down for her nap.

( Fusses )

So, Dr. Fitch, small medical question...

I've got this thing in my eye... um, here.

Oh yeah, I see it.

Wait, what?

There's something really wrong with my eye?

Actually, I'm not that kind of doctor.

Then why are you giving out medical advice? Gah!

Is everything okay out here?

Who are you, the question police?

Oh hey, how's it goin', Mrs. Wheeler?

God, it's like a quiz show in here.

We really should get you going, huh?

So Fitch just started this amazing charity.

He rescues homeless puppies and pairs them with orphans.

He calls it "Woofs for the World."

Isn't that just like the sweetest thing you've ever heard of?

If you're not asking me to donate-- then adorable.

I'm meeting with the board this afternoon.

We need to name a new spokesperson by tomorrow.

Oh, well, good luck.

...Is standing right in front of you!

I've got the guy.

Chase Baxter!

No.

Probably not.

No! He's the nicest guy in America.

Who also tried to cop a feel when I stopped by the studio.

He thought you were choking.

I don't know, Tuck. I haven't heard great things about him.

But think of the children!

( Sighs ) And me.

( Riley and Fitch murmuring )

Scratchy... I like it.

Tonight's going to be really special.

And you're going to love the restaurant.

The Sweaty Cow?

( Gasps ) How did you get a reservation?

I can't reveal all of my secrets.

Can't wait.

( Door opens )

( Door closes )

( Dings )

He's married?

Secret's out, Fitch.

Oh, perfect timing.

Riley, hey, we need to talk about Fitch.

I don't know how to say this--

Do not even think about finishing that sentence unless it involves the words amazing, handsome or someday I'd like to dance at your wedding.

Well, the wedding part was kinda close.

Ben, Fitch and I have a very special night planned, and it has been a long time since I've had-- a special night. So whatever it is, I don't care.

I'm not listening.

Riley!

Nope.

Hey, was that Riley?

No, I was just randomly shouting out people's names.

Danny!

Yeah?

Never mind.

Do you know where she was going?

She's going to meet Fitch at The Sweaty Cow, but we have a serious problem. Fitch--

--Is a Saint. Yeah.

And I don't want to hear one more negative word about him.

He is my ticket out of Coffee Town.

It's gonna be fine.

How am I ever going to figure out her password?

Try cake2254.

It worked. How did you know that?

Yours is puck25. Ben's is emmatopia and Tucker's is tvdude23.

What? Sometimes I get bored when I'm babysitting.

Hey. Oh good, you found my phone.

I made it to the lobby before I realized it was missing.

Oh no no. Riley, I'm sorry, this is-- this is my phone.

You can tell because I have a--

Fitch screensaver.

Uh. - Thank you! See ya later.

Riley, hey, me again.

Please just call me before anything too... special happens.

It's important.

She needs to know, right?

I mean, you'd want to know if you were going out with a married cheater.

( Knocks )

We both agree, I have to try and stop her. Okay.

( Coos )

Huh?

Hi, Ben.

Is Danny here?

No.

But how are you with kids?

Everything looks so good. I don't know what to order.

I remember the first time I ate here I had just come back from India.

I actually helped birth a calf. They're sacred, you know.

Mmmmm, steak, that's a good idea.

So, you've been here before?

I hope it wasn't for another special night?

No, don't worry.

Actually, Riley, there's something I've been wanting to tell you.

Excuse me, Fitch Douglas? You have a phone call inside.

Um, okay.

Uh, two seconds. I promise.

Oh yeah.

Ben!

Two seconds, I promise.

Now? No! I'm on a date. And Fitch will be right back. He just-- he got a call.

Yeah, I know. That waiter cost me 20 bucks.

Ben, he was about to tell me something important.

Well, not to be all competitive, but my important is probably a lot bigger than his important.

Oh, isn't this just the cutest place?

Oh hey, good. It's just Ben.

I thought you were on a date and I was afraid we were going to mess it up.

I am and you are.

You two are on a date?

No.

We could be.

Why are you here?

Um...

We--

Takeout.

Yes! We were just coming to get a little takeout.

I just had a craving for...

A $30 salad?!

Are you guys stupid?

Oh hey!

Fake candles, I love these things-- ow, no! That one's real.

Oh hey, everyone's here. Do you guys want to join us?

No, we're good.

( Mutters ) No phone!

We'd love to!

No, no one else is joining us.

Oh thank God, this table is cramped already.

Seriously, I need two seconds.

No.

They're probably just out--

Oh hey!

You're all here.

I was afraid we were going to be interrupting something.

Why would you ever think that?

Fitch, I just want to make sure you didn't miss out on this amazing opportunity.

Nobody loves puppies...

Or kids more than Chase Baxter.

It's true. You show me a kid I don't like and I'll prove it isn't mine.

That's what blood tests are for.

You know what? That is it.

Everybody out!

Excellent idea, Riley.

Family meeting. Two seconds and we will all be gone.

Everyone follow me.

I'll keep the good doctor and the babysitter company.

You know I'm nationally syndicated, right?

You're coming with us.

Hi, sorry, if we could get a little privacy?

Thank you.

Ben, what is so important?

Fitch is married.

What?

This is crazy! We should call someone.

Riley, can I borrow your phone?

Riley, after you kissed him goodbye, he took a wedding ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger.

You were following me?

Dude, that's a little creepy.

I'm gonna b*at the crap out of that guy.

Definitely been on the wrong end of that conversation, my man.

Riley, I'm your friend and I can't let you have a special night with a guy who's also having special nights with his wife.

You know, depending on how long they've been married, it's probably not that special.

You're wrong. I just-- I know you are.

Then why don't you ask him?

All right.

Hey, what's going on? Why is she crying?

What did you say to her?

Get in line.

Fitch, are you or are you not married?

That's what I wanted to tell you.

See? I told you.

She's dead!

Good one, son.

It's just all happened so quickly...

In fact Wendy never saw the elephant coming-- or more importantly-- sitting.

Fitch, that is so sad.

I know I should've told you sooner, but it's not something you can just drop on someone.

No pun intended.

Just trying to lighten the mood. You poor thing.

It's okay. Every day it gets easier.

It's been a year, but I still feel guilty whenever I take off the ring.

That's amazing. A heartfelt story for every occasion.

You may want to pull back on this one, little bro.

Ben, I think you owe Fitch an apology.

Why? You're obviously going to believe whatever he tells you.

You know what-- I've had enough, okay?

Actually, Ben...

I've had enough.

I think it's time you and I had a conversation.

Alone.

You need backup, bro?

No, I'm good.

I'm talking to Fitch.

Wow, talk about a special night.

Where is my phone? I keep losing that stupid thing.

I'll call it for you, sweetness.

Thomas, dial.

You obviously have a lot of hostility towards me.

And I want you to know that I understand it.

We're a lot alike, you and me.

Kind of what I've been trying to tell people.

We both have feelings for the same girl.

Not what I've been trying to tell people.

Ben, when my wife d*ed, I thought that was it-- it was over.

I'd never be able to feel that way about another person again.

But then I met Riley and I felt that spark.

I can't believe it, but I'm actually falling in love with her.

But the one thing that I could never do is stand in the way of somebody else who may love her more.

God, can't you just punch me in the face like a normal dude?

There's no greater w*apon than compassion.

Just look me in the eye and tell me she's your true love and I'll disappear.

( Cellphone rings ) - It's ringing.

I don't hear anything.

Oh, it's right there-- in your boob.

Why do you keep taking my phone?

I'm sorry, Riley, here.

Ha!

What is wrong with you?

I'm thinking low blood sugar. The service here is horrible!

It's your call. What do you say, Ben?

I don't know what to say.

I mean yes, I have feelings for her, but I'm still sorting them out.

If you know, you know.

Do you love her?

I love her... enough as a friend to know that I can't stand in her way.

So if you and Riley are really meant to be then I will try and be happy for you guys.

You're a good guy, Ben.

Not that good.

I also paid the waiter to dump iced tea on you later.

I am so sorry about my friends.

They're equal parts crazy and protective.

Actually not so equal.

But I think it's kinda nice how much they care.

Yeah, me too.

We should probably go, huh?

I mean I'm only two blocks from here, so.

Did you see that they ruined my phone? The thing's soaked.

Let me take a look.

It's totally fixable.

If you would like to replay your message, press three.

( Beeps ) - Danny: I've been in love with her ever since she first climbed into my tree house.

Hey. Is everything okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry to stop by so late. Do you have a minute to talk?

Always. Is this about Fitch?

Um, yeah, kind of.

I just-- I'm a little confused.

Really? You guys seem great together.

You think so?

Yeah.

Don't you?

Yeah yeah.

I just don't know if he's the one, you know?

We don't have that much in common.

It's not like you and me.

Me and you...

That's different, we're friends.

Friends who can tell each other anything.

Yup...

Anything.

Anything?

Riley--

Danny?

I should probably get back.

Yeah yeah, I should go too.

Did that help?

Oh totally, I'm good.

Um, I'll call you tomorrow.

After you get a new phone, right?

Right.

Bye.

Bye.

( Beeps )

Message deleted.

Nothing brings a smile to the face of an underprivileged child--

( Moans )

Hi, I'm talking.

Okay. ...like a-- Oh.

Okay, that's wet. Cut!

Stop. I'm wet. Something just went wet on me.

Can't we just CGI these suckers in?

Dogs, babies, everybody! - ( Child crying )

Oh, you gotta be-- get your hand out of my mouth!

You gotta be kidding me! This whole thing better...

That went viral pretty quick.

I am not getting that promotion.