02x06 - Ben's Big Gaycare Adventure

[bunniefuu]

And this is the first known sighting of Super Danny and his adorable, if not slightly husky, sidekick... Riley Girl.

That is so cute.

Did you guys always go out trick-or-treating together?

Sadly that picture's not from Halloween.

They just liked to dress up.

Well, I tell all of my patients that fantasy play is very healthy for children.

They still do it.

Oh.

That's just creepy.

Okay, it's not creepy; it's really sweet.

When I was nine, I broke my leg and I missed Halloween.

So six months later, Danny surprised me and took me trick-or-treating, just the two of us.

And that's how Half-O-Ween was born.

And now it has turned into this crazy drunken pub crawl.

So wait, Danny actually dresses up as a superhero and runs around the city?

Because I've had people committed for doing that exact same thing.

Oh. Oh, we did get arrested once.

Yeah, cutest mug sh*ts ever!

Oh, here they are.

Ohh.

Hey hey hey, no!

No looking at photo albums.

(Laughing)

Nothing anyone wants to see in there.

Why?

Are you afraid I'll discover your secret identity, Super Danny?

Super Danny.

Was she showing you pictures of Super Danny?

(Amy giggles)

That's just a stupid thing we used to do as kids.

We're going out this Tuesday.

Knock knock! Bonnie's Beauty Barn!

Trim, cut and curl, you don't have to be a girl.

Who's first? 'Cause guess what?

There's a new hair-iff in town.

(Blows)

Well, at least we know you're not adopted.

(Both chuckle)

I think you've seen enough.

Bye, mom.

So what about you, Riley?

You look like a girl who likes a free haircut.

Hey, mom.

Oh, hey, Benji.

Thanks again for finding a daycare for Emma so I can go back to beauty school.

I'm sorry... day what? Beauty where?

Ben, I've been telling you every day you need to find somebody to watch Emma.

And what do I say?

That you're on it.

Then I'm on it. When do you start?

Tomorrow.

Why don't you tell me these things?

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

(baby cooing)

Whoa! (Laughs)

What do you think, Emma?

You ready to make some new baby friends?

But remember, no sharing your pacifier.

You're not that kind of girl.

Dude, I don't know, man.

Are we sure that this place is legit?

'Cause it looks fine to me. Okay.

If I may.

Tucker Dobbs, stroller wrangler.

(Laughing)

Saving the world one mommy at a time.

Actually, I'm not a mommy.

I'm the nanny. I'm kind of new here.

Oh, well, let me show you around.

(Chuckles)

Well, this... is locked.

(Laughing)

Hi, I'm Megan. What can I do for you?

Pretty sure whatever you want.

(Chuckles)

Hi, I'm Ben, and this is Emma.

(Baby-talk) Hi, Emma.

Don't turn around, but there's a strange man following you.

Oh-ho-ho.

So I'm not really sure how this works.

Do I just hand her over and you give me a ticket or one of those restaurant buzzer thingies?

(Normal voice) Oh, you wanna drop her off.

I'm sorry, but we're completely full.

Oh, okay. Well, I don't have to be at work for another hour, so how long's the wait?

Three months.

Three months?

She'll be able to drop herself off by then.

Are you sure?

How could you say no to this face?

Or this one?

Wow, cute baby and a flirty dad... never get any of those in here.

I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do.

Hey, baby lady. Nice crib.

Tucker, where'd you get that?

Mm. I traded it for my invisible dinosaur.

(Laughs)

Kids are so stupid.

(Laughing) Okay.

Okay, Emma, I gotta get to work.

I'll see you at home, okay? All right.

Sorry about that.

So are you sure there's nothing you can do?

Actually, I think there is.

I didn't realize you were a couple.

Who? Me and juice box?

Yeah.

I mean, a bi-racial gay couple?

That's like hitting the jackpot on the diversity form. (Scoffs)

Really?

Yeah, you are a couple, aren't you?

Yes, we are.

Couple of guys raising a baby together.

Perfect.

Just fill out this application.

I should be able to let you know by the end of the day.

Okay.

You know, Emma, if you were holding a scotch, you'd look just like my Aunt Evelyn.

So what do you think about Danny and Amy?

I mean, they seem like such opposites.

She's so smart and refined and he's so...

(Inhales sharply) not those things.

I mean, it's probably only a matter of time until Dr. Girlfriend starts trying to change him.

Yeah. Well, she can try all she wants, but that boy won't change for anyone.

Hey, guys!

Check out my new "jacket-a."

(Scoffs) Danny?

Riley, call the police. There's a strange man in the living room.

Amy picked it out for me.

It's got elbow patches, which is weird because it's brand-new.

I needed something to wear to the Met.

You went to a museum?!

Danny, the last time you went to a museum you got thrown out for shoving gum in the statue's butt cr*ck.

I wouldn't do that now.

Amy was really specific.

It was actually kinda cool.

As cool as... this?

I present you your new Half-O-Ween cape.

I was thinking we could meet here at like 7:00?

About that... um. I was gonna see if we could reschedule.

Amy's parents are in town tonight.

Oh. Um...

Yeah, that's okay. No biggie.

We'll, uh... we'll reschedule.

You know what? No no. This is our tradition.

I'll have a drink with Amy's parents, then I'll make up an excuse.

Are you sure?

Super sure.

But let's not mention it to Amy.

She can be a little uptight.

Your words, not mine.

All right, I'll see you at 9:00.

Hello? Anyone here?

Megan?

Ben, is that you? I'm in the office.

Just come on back.

Hello? Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to...

I thought you said that you were...

It's okay. It's not like you care, right?

Right.

(Scoffs) Why would I care?

Totally don't care.

Nice bra, by the way.

Lacy.

It's cute, right?

Very.

It's probably the most expensive thing I own.

Too bad the only people who ever see it are me, my dog and now you.

Lucky dog. (Chuckles)

So, uh, you're single?

(Scoffs) Yup.

We can't all find true love.

I hear that.

Oh, right. Me and Tucker.

Oh, I almost forgot. You're in.

I talked to my manager and Emma can start in the morning right after parent orientation.

That's fantastic!

Should we hug?

Oh my God.

Is it really you?

Is it really Riley Girl here on my fire escape?

(Sarcastically) In the flesh.

So where's your trusty sidekick?

(Sighs)

He stood me up.

Apparently he has a new partner-in-crime and her name is Dr. Snooty-No-Fun.

Hey, well, don't get your tights all in a bunch.

I'll step in.

Ooh, what about a pirate?

Ladies love Tucker in an eye patch.

(Chuckles)

He always gets the booty.

(Laughing) Okay.

It's, uh... it's kind of a superhero thing, so...

Oh, perfect.

Because the ladies also love Tucker in rain boots and a tablecloth.

(Whooshes)

(Clears throat)

I really appreciate it, but, uh, I'm good.

I just wish he would have let me know before I bought a new utility belt.

I mean, it has a web sh**t.

That's really cool.

I know.

I don't...

Here she is. All polished and ready to conquer her first day of napping, drooling and ignoring the boy babies.

Hey. Where's Tucker?

No idea. (Chuckles)

I am on my own.

But we really need both parents for orientation.

If he's not here, I can't let Emma start today.

When I said "no idea," I meant out of town.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I just saw him walk by the window 20 minutes ago.

Huh.

You did?

Ben, what's going on?

Um, okay, uh, here's the thing.

Uh...

Oh, no.

Did something happen with you and Tucker?

Uh... yes.

Something... something did happen.

Tucker left us.

Oh, my God. You poor thing!

Oh, if there's anything I can do to help...

Oh, you're doing just fine.

Hey, Mrs. Wheeler. Is Danny here?

Yeah, he's in the shower.

20 minutes till my class, and I can't find my lucky comb.

I won't tell you what I have found, otherwise you will never sit here again.

Well, it's official... I don't get men.

And I get a lot of them. What do you need?

I was talking about Danny.

He's totally letting Amy change him, which is weird because he's the one that called her uptight in the first place.

Danny called me uptight?

Oh, by the way, Amy's here.

You know what? I'll just buy another comb.

Bye-bye.

(Door opens)

Did he really say that about me?

(Door closes)

No no no no no no.

You totally took that out of context.

Uh, he... he was talking about your hair.

Which is sometimes up and... and tight.

For your information, I am not uptight.

I mean, there is nobody more go-with-the-flow than I am.

I mean, (Stammering) I've... stolen soap from a hotel before.

Yeah.

And sometimes I eat grapes in the supermarket and I don't pay for 'em.

And it is that kind of carefree quality that explains why Danny loves spending so much time with you.

Ohh, so that's what this is about.

You're jealous.

Okay, now it all makes sense.

No, I am so not jealous.

And this isn't about me.

This is about you. I mean, you are so busy making Danny do everything that you wanna do, you haven't even bothered to figure out what he likes to do.

I think I know Danny pretty well.

Oh. Oh, really? Do you?

Okay, what's his favorite thing to eat for dinner?

Sushi.

Chocolate cereal.

What's his favorite color?

He looks good in green.

He hates green. Loves blue.

You know what else he loves?

He loves ball games and beer and trivia night and taco Tuesdays.

He loves riding shotgun and playing pranks.

But more than that, he is the guy that created an entire fake holiday to make a little girl feel better about herself.

So no, Amy, I don't think you know him at all.

(Door opens)

Oh, hey!

How cool is this?

My two favorite ladies hanging out together.

Ben: You know, in hindsight, I think it was the best thing that could have ever happened.

Tucker and I were never even really that serious.

You have a child together.

Actually, I'm the one who had the child.

Oh.

With a woman.

(Shakily) Who I had sex with to make it.

I think that part of the problem is that Tucker knows that I'm still attracted to women.

Well, I guess that explains it.

I totally thought my gaydar was broken when I met you.

I thought I sensed a little attraction.

And I guess maybe Tucker sensed it too.

He can be so jealous.

Oh, my God. Don't turn around.

He's here.

I'll be right back, okay?

(Inaudible)

What is wrong with you? Why do you keep waving your arms?

It's complicated.

But it would be super-helpful if you poked me in the chest.

Oh, hey, is that daycare cutie?

Ask her if can get that nanny's number.

Done!

But only if you go.

Seriously, dude?

Do you need medical attention?

I'll explain later. I promise.

But if you could throw up your hands and stomp off, I'd really appreciate it.

Hey. Just got your text.

Is everything okay?

What did you say to Amy this morning?

What? Me? Nothing. Why do you think I said something?

You told her I called her uptight.

Oh, yeah. That might have come up.

Riley, she broke up with me.

Oh my God, Danny, I'm sorry.

It just... it just came out.

But honestly, you haven't been acting like yourself around her.

Why? Because I went to a museum?

No, because you're doing things that you don't even like to do.

It's because I like her!

That's what you're supposed to do when you like somebody.

The Riley I know would understand that and be supportive.

If you keep telling everyone you're my best friend, how about you act like it?

(Cellphone ringing)

Bonnie's Beauty Barn.

Congratulations, you just got one step closer to pretty.

Oh! I would love to.

No no no no, that's perfect.

I'll see you in a few.

Yow!

Don't wanna talk about it anymore.

Oh, hey, Danny, guess what?

I just got my very first client.

(Door slams)

Danny, I'm so sorry.

Hey, Riles, big news!

You're never gonna...

(Door slams)

Hey, mom.

All right, don't you move until I'm done talking about myself.

I just got my first client.

(Squeals) Where's Emma?

I thought you were picking her up.

No. No, not me.

Well, if you're not, then who is?

Tucker?

Oh. Hey, baby lady.

(Tucker chuckles)

Okay, this is a little embarrassing, but I don't think I can give you Emma right now.

Oh!

If she needs to be changed, by all means, take your time.

(Chuckles)

You know, uh, you got my boy pretty worked up.

Listen, I so don't want to get in the middle of anything.

Oh, no, you're not.

Look, if you just give me that girl's number, I swear she will never even know where I got it.

Whose number?

That nanny's.

You're looking for a nanny?

At the end of the day, who isn't, right?

(Laughing)

Oh, great. You're all here.

Look at us, being civil.

Okay, uh, let's grab Emma and go.

Or better yet, I'll grab Emma and you go.

Cool. See you at home then.

Wait.

I thought you said he moved out.

What? Why would I move out?

That's life in the big city. Everyone's on the move.

And shouldn't you be?

What's going on?

Ben, you told me you were a couple.

A couple of guys raising a baby.

(Tucker exhales)

You gotta be careful just tossing that around, Ben.

People will start to think we're gay.

Oh my God! You lied to me?!

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

But Emma really needed daycare, and you were all "hey, look at my bra."

I showed you my bra!

(Exhales) Oh my God, why didn't I get to see her bra?

Dude, come on.

Please, is there any possible way we can just do this again and start over?

Sure.

We're full.

Get your baby and get out.

Hey, that nanny doesn't think I'm gay, does she?

(Knocks on door)

Amy, it's me, Riley.

I need to talk to you.

I probably wouldn't open the door to me either.

(Mumbles)

I just came by to apologize.

I'm sorry.

You're right, I am a little jealous.

But I miss my friend.

But more than that, I'm really protective.

I just want everyone to see Danny the way that I see him, which... is pretty near perfect.

So he really is my hero.

Excuse me, ma'am, is there a problem here?

Oh my God! Super Danny!

What are you doing here?

I came to win back Amy.

But you were right, she needs to see the real me.

I accepted who she was, now she needs to accept who I am.

Are you sure you wanna have this conversation in a unitard?

It's the only way.

Amy, it's me.

We need to talk.

(Screams)

Amy! Stand back!

Oh, my God. Danny.

My door!

I heard you scream. Are you all right?

No. Look at me.

I said sexed up, not jacked up!

F.Y.I., it's customary to tip as big as the hair.

(Mouthing)

(Sighs deeply) I...

I was just trying to loosen up a little.

But I like you just the way you are.

You do?

Oh, because I like you just the way...

Why are you dressed like that?

Because I wanted you to see the real me.

Well, not the real real me.

Can't really fly. Cape's just for show.

(Giggles)

Well, I like everything I see.

Bonnie Wheeler... changing lives one head at a time.

I don't just do it...

I hair-do it.

All right, there you go.

Are you sure you're okay with opening up Half-O-Ween to outsiders?

Maybe change is a good thing.

You ready?

Amy: I think so.

(Door opens)

Okay!

I take back what I said before.

I think I might actually like this look better.

Mom, just let it go.

Honestly, who gets thrown out of a daycare?

I mean, she's not even one, and she already has a record.

I'll switch my shifts if I have to.

I'll make it work. I promise.

Yeah?

What do you think?

Okay. (Chuckles)

A mummy... I like it.

Oh, I was going for "crazy toilet paper guy."

But mummy's better.

(Knocks on door)

Megan?

Um, so not expecting for you to open the door dressed as...

What are you exactly?

A kitchen robot.

And of course you know my trusty sidekick baby bot.

(Robotic voice) Hello, Megan.

(Chuckles weakly)

(Normal voice) We're going to a costume thing.

I got that.

You forgot Emma's diaper bag.

Uh, you wanna just put it on the table?

Thanks.

All: Hey.

(Door closes)

Again, I'm sorry for lying.

Pretty girls make me do stupid things... you and Emma.

Well, I guess I can't be too mad at a guy who pretends to be gay just to get his little girl into daycare, so...

So maybe we can start over over?

Hi, I'm Ben Wheeler and this is Emma.

Crazy, scheme-y, with a smile I don't trust and spatulas for hands.

(Robotic voice) I am in.

(Chuckles)

Could I interest you in a costume?

I've got more tinfoil.

(Chuckling) Okay.

Mmm!

To another successful adventure.

You really are my hero, Wheeler.

Do you think we're getting too old for this?

You're never too old to be yourself, right?

So now that we've opened it up... you think Half-O-Ween might catch on?

Not a chance.

And do we care?

Not a bit.

(Both in deep voice) Happy Half-O-Ween, New York!