02x07 - On The Lamb-y

[bunniefuu]

Just when it looked like all hope was lost, the handsome prince scaled the castle walls and climbed the tower to slay the evil dragon.

Shing! (Grunting)

(Grunts)

Would you die already?

I've got scales made of forged steel.

Okay?

Plus I can breathe fire.

Fine.

(Groans)

(Giggles)

So with the kingdom now safe from annoying dragons, Princess Emma could finally go off to sleep surrounded by her BFFs...

Douglas the wonder dog...

(Barks)

Monica, the squish-faced hippo... and last but not least, Lamby.

Where's Lamby?

I don't know.

Guys, we need Lamby.

She's never gone to sleep without him.

(Crying)

Oh no.

Lip quivering, eyes filling, nose flaring.

Guys, she's gonna lose it.

She definitely had him at the park because I stopped a chihuahua from making it his girlfriend.

And I know she had it on the way to the gym because I dropped it in a puddle.

I mean, she dropped it in a puddle.

What about after the gym?

All: Gym bag!

Go! Ooh!

Danny!

I've got it! Tucker!

(Grunts)

Ben!

Okay.

And everyone in the kingdom lived happily ever after thanks to a stuffed lamb that kind of smells like puddle.

(Theme music playing)

♪ it's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

Hey, I got here as soon as I could.

Is there something wrong with Emma?

Emma's not the problem.

Hey, Benji.

You know my favorite part about having a roommate?

It instantly doubles your wardrobe.

(Chuckles)

I mean, how cute is this, huh?

(Tearing)

You promised me she would only be here for two days.

How long does it take to fumigate a house?

Well, if I told you the truth, you would have said no.

You have to get her out of here.

I'm hosting book club.

So sounds like my mom's the least of your problems.

Ben, all the cool girls at work are in the club.

It took me six weeks to convince them to let me join.

That's six weeks you're never gonna get back.

Mock all you want, but if you're in with them, you're in with everyone, so take your mom home with you, please?

Hey, Riley, sorry.

Had a little fashion accident.

I guess you can consider these broken in.

Mom, Riley's having her book club here tonight, so we should...

Really?

A book club? I love a good book club.

What time, and what do I have to pretend I read?

Now that's how you get into a book club.

Well done, mom.

Oh, but we used to have the best club back home.

You know, that is until old miss fun sucker joined it and sucked all the fun out of it.

By the way, tell your mom I said hi next time you talk to her.

(Knocking on door)

Oh look. I'm opening the door.

What a fabulous opportunity for you to grab a loved one and shove her through it.

Mom?

What are you doing here?

When you emailed and said you were hosting a book club, I told your father "not without my mushroom caps you're not."

Mom, I was just letting you know why I couldn't come home for dinner.

So, Mrs. Perrin, long time.

Don't think you've met Emma.

Oh my God. Is she not the cutest?

You know, when I heard you had knocked up some girl and were raising a baby on your own, I thought "who didn't see that coming?"

And I think we're going.

Not another step.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.

I'm so glad that you're finally joining things.

You get that from me.

Mom, this was supposed to be just for me and my hopefully soon-to-be friends at work.

And her fabulous new roomie.

Hello, Jennifer.

You asked Bonnie Wheeler to join your book club?

Is it a picture book club?

(Mock laughing)

That's not exactly how it went down.

I asked you to start a book club with me three times.

Oh, no go, Jenny-o.

Single gals only, you know?

The kind who like to spend their time clubbing or sexting or doing stuff that we'll pretend to regret tomorrow.

Riley!

I don't do any of those things.

And the day started so well when I pulled out of my driveway and finally saw a sold sign on your lawn.

Well, I kept putting one on yours, but you never took the hint.

I'm so sorry that our firm couldn't handle your listing, but we really don't do fixer uppers.

Tell that to your plastic surgeon.

Ben, Ben, help.

Sorry.

It's like driving past a horrible accident.

You know you should stop and help, but who's got the time?

(Chuckles) Bye.

Hey, hold the elevator.

Okay. Thanks.

I don't think I've seen you around the building before.

And I'm very observant.

We just moved in Thursday.

And that's "we" as in you and your little...

Yellow's always kind of a crap sh**t.

(Chuckles) Boy. Justin.

And is he the only man in your life?

Yep. Just us.

I'm Kayla. 5D.

Ben and Emma, 4D.

Which means you're right on top of me.

I'm sorry, my mind went somewhere.

Maybe we can have a playdate sometime.

You can even bring the baby if you wanted.

(Chuckles)

Wait a second, 4D?

You must be Tucker's roommate.

You already met Tucker?

Oh, he's so sweet.

I'm having him over for dinner tonight.

He helped me move in.

He's always moving in on something.

(Elevator dings)

Oh, perfect timing, Emma.

Ready to knock back a cold one with your Uncle Danny?

Hey, if you're still hungry, you can have half my hoagie.

Dude, not every baby can eat a hoagie at six months.

You were the exception.

I know. That's why I was gonna put it in the blender.

Oh hey, man. What's going on?

Just met the new mom up in 5D.

Oh, the future Mrs. Tucker Dobbs?

(Laughs)

Yeah, you can step away right now because I have already put my scent just all over that.

Ben, where's Lamby?

He's in there.

I finally wised up and put him on a leash.

This leash?

Dude, Lamby's not in here.

You lost Lamby? What is wrong with you?

(Murmurs)

It's okay. He's definitely in the building.

I just heard his "baaa" in the lobby when I was going through other people's magazines.

I'll be right back.

Okay, appetizers are all done.

Now I just have to type up some talking points.

They're always so helpful.

Especially for people who haven't bothered to read the book.

Riley, did I ever tell you about your mom and I at senior prom?

All I remember hearing is "Bonnie, don't drink all the limo liquor.

Bonnie, stay out of the moon roof.

Bonnie, quit making out with my date."

Did I ever tell you that I dated Ray Wheeler first?

He was devastated when I broke up with him.

Well, your Bob was practically suicidal when I broke up with him.

So I would say we're pretty even.

Hardly. Ray left you for another man.

I'm still married to Bob.

Sounds pretty even to me.

Um, hey mom.

If I could just get your opinion on...

Please, I am begging you.

Do not let Mrs. Wheeler push your buttons.

Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Hey, Riley. Do they have pictures online of all the lawyers at your firm?

I thought we could play a few rounds of "who'd you rather?"

Wouldn't it just be easier to play "who you haven't?"

That. That is what I am talking about.

You can't be all crazy competitive with her.

Not tonight. Please?

I'm really trying to impress these girls.

You know, I want to be able to walk down the hall and have people say "hey, Riles, how'd the deposition go?" or "what case are you working on?" or "cute skirt."

You know, lawyer-y things.

Okay, honey.

From now on, you will have my full focus to make sure that you have the perfect book club.

You're not wearing that, are you?

Hi, it's Ben from the elevator.

Shh. Just putting Justin down for a nap.

Oh, sorry.

We're having a bit of a crisis.

Emma lost her stuffed lamb and I'm pretty sure the only place she could have dropped it was in the elevator. Did you see it?

No. Sorry.

Good luck.

(Sighs)

(Lamby bleats)

(Bleating continues)

Did you miss the part about the nap?

Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice that you stole my kid's toy.

This is Sheepy.

Wow, clever.

But I'm really gonna have to take back that lamb.

Okay.

What?

What is the matter with you?

(Grunts)

(Lamby bleats)

Don't worry, Lamby.

We're coming to get you.

Look who I found, Emma.

(Bleats)

(Bleats)

She's not buying it.

Sweat sock Lamby's a no go.

Tucker, you're our only hope.

Come on.

Kayla is the first hot girl to ever move into this building.

Sure, she's a psychotic kleptomaniac, but there is a lot to be said for convenience.

Look into that face and tell her you're putting your needs above hers.

How am I even supposed to get him out?

Easy.

Locate Lamby, distract Kayla, knock three times on the floor when she's out of the room, throw him out of the door, and we'll be there to make the pickup.

If I get Lamby back, then can I close the deal?

Yeah, whatever. Sure, yeah.

I don't see why not.

(Laughing)

And next to the Indian place is this falafel place that will knock your socks off.

Which comes in handy because right next to that is a Korean foot massage place.

(Laughing)

Oh, my... I love a good foot massage.

Oh, well then you should go there.

Or... oh look. I have hands.

(Both laughing)

How could somebody so funny and sweet end up with a roommate that's such a wack-a-doodle?

(Chuckles)

Hey, let's be honest, if I didn't take him in, then who would?

(Chuckles)

Well, you and your hands stay put.

I'm just gonna go check on Justin.

We will be right here.

(Bleats)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Tucker?

Um...

(Bleats)

Did you get it?

Where's Lamby?

I think we need a new plan.

Well, I definitely think the most surprising aspect of the book was the ending.

So I guess you could call that a surprise ending.

Well said, darling.

This might be the perfect time to hand out my work sheets.

Oh good. I was looking for a place to dump my mushroom cap.

(Chuckles)

Now let's get to the good stuff.

Like who is sleeping with who at the office.

You look like you have some stories.

Oh, if you want to hear stories, you should ask her how she got her nickname.

"Behind the bleachers Bonnie."

You'll never guess.

Mom, you were saying something fascinating about work sheets?

Oh, yes. Right.

I've divided it by chapters.

I think you'll be very impressed.

Well, Jenn, if you really want to impress these girls, you should show them your before pictures.

Ginormous.

Not unlike our novel's heroine, joanna, who had a ginormous problem with letting things go.

Any thoughts on that, mother?

Yes, actually I do.

I think the most tragic part of the novel is how the antagonist is always making herself the center of attention.

Hmm. You know what's even more tragic?

That our dull as a box of hair villain hasn't met a party that she can't suck the fun out of.

Not fun?

Did you miss the chapter where the heroine becomes head cheerleader?

Oh, no no. I read it.

It was after the chapter where her father bribed the coach!

I totally missed that.

(Knocking on door)

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm...

Juan.

And this is my daughter juanita.

We're part of the "welcome to the building" committee.

And I was just wondering if I could ask you a few quick questions.

Go ahead, Juan.

Great. So.

What do you think of the building so far?

Honestly, not a huge fan.

Ow.

Help me, help me, help me.

Remember, we have to keep quiet.

That means you too, Justin.

(Floor creaks)

Did you hear something?

No. Did you?

Yes. Excuse me.

No no, come back. Your kid's fine!

Got it!

She's coming!

Go go go go go.

What the hell is going on in here?

I am calling the police.

Tucker?

Hey, Kayla.

How about that foot massage?

Oh my God, Jennifer. Let it go.

Nobody cares that you were homecoming queen.

And besides, the only thing that was stuffed more than your bra was the ballot box.

That is exactly what someone who lost would say.

And by the way, the only reason you were ever elected President of the PTA was because of your pool parties and your frozen Margarita machine.

Well, it certainly didn't stop you from knocking them back. Gluggity glug glug.

Maybe we should go.

Oh no, please stay.

That's such a cute skirt.

I guess I should just count myself lucky that those two delinquents of yours haven't rubbed off on my daughter any more than they already have.

At least I'm not the one being called grandma.

I can't believe you went there.

You know what? You should probably get out while you can.

Let me tell you something.

Emma is the best thing that has ever happened to this family.

And I am proud of Ben and the decisions he's made.

Because of her, he has grown up to be a mature, caring, responsible adult.

The cops are after us.

We just broke into our neighbor's apartment.

You have to hide us.

You took Emma on a heist?

See?

Most fathers wouldn't do that.

Again, I am so sorry.

So I'll see you at lunch tomorrow?

Okay, we'll play it by ear.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, sorry. I thought these were for everyone.

Not you two.

You two.

You got me kicked out before I was even in.

I was just trying to make some friends.

Have you tried a Margarita machine?

Well, you should have thought about that before you invited her.

Mom, you said you would control yourself.

Yes, Mrs. Wheeler is loud and crass and opinionated.

But she has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever met.

See? She gets me.

Are you saying that this is my fault?

You are missing the point.

You're my mom, and it would be so nice if for once in my life, you actually had my back.

Like it or not, the Wheelers are my family too.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go help two delinquents stay out of jail.

Oh, she's talking about us.

Do we really have to do this?

You don't know how lucky you are.

She agreed to drop the charges and all you have to do is give back that fluff ball and apologize.

(Knocking on door)

Hi. Sorry, we know it's late, but we just...

We really wanted to get this cleared up tonight.

Ben.

Tucker.

Juan.

Boys?

All: We're sorry.

Ben, give her back the lamb.

No. I can't do it.

Ben, it's just a toy.

No, it's not.

That's my whole point.

This is the first thing I ever gave to Emma and she loves it.

And I know I'm not the perfect dad and this probably wasn't the best way to handle things, but there's no way I can look into those eyes and tell her I just let someone take it.

One day Emma will grow up and be able to fight her own battles.

But for now, it's my job.

And I'm not gonna let her down.

Oh my God. It's just a stupid stuffed sheep.

Okay, if I let you keep it, will you go away and promise never to speak to me again?

All of us?

All of you.

Deal.

Yes!

I can't believe it. We won.

Thank you.

I had nothing to do with it.

Emma's a lucky girl.

She may not always understand why you do what you do, but she'll always love you.

(Elevator dings)

Juan?

I was gonna tell her I was from the future, but I thought she might see through that.

You're back.

I'm almost done cleaning up.

Oh, mom. You don't have to do that.

I know.

Is she asleep?

Yeah. I think she's out.

(Sighs)

So, I'm sorry for getting so upset earlier.

I'm sorry that you had to.

I just... I don't understand why you let her bother you so much.

Maybe it's because everything with her is a competition.

Even you.

What do you mean?

You spent every waking hour at the Wheelers.

I practically had to drag you home for dinner every night.

Well, they didn't have a lot of rules.

They were fun.

Something your mother is decidedly not.

Is that what this is about?

You're jealous of Mrs. Wheeler?

Well, I guess I just always felt that... maybe you loved her more than you loved me.

That is so truly absurd.

Yes, I consider them family, but you're my mom.

And I may not always understand why you do what you do, but I'll always love you.

Mm.

I love you too, honey.

Let's do something really fun this week.

The planetarium.

Sounds great.

All right, well, drive safe.

Bye.

Bye.

Not a word.

I always knew she was jealous.

And finally the princess could go off to sleep with her best friends Douglas the wonder dog...

(Barks)

Monica, the squish-faced hippo...

(Meows) and most important of all, Lamby.

Guys?

Oh.

Got it.

Got it.

I guess Kayla didn't steal it after all.

Ben?

And everyone in the kingdom lived happily ever after, thanks to two stuffed lambs, one angry neighbor, two awesome uncles, and a dad who probably should have checked under the couch.

The end.

(Both Lambys bleating)