02x08 - Never Ben in Love

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Saddle up, people!

Megan's gonna be here any minute.

(Western accent) Time to move 'em on up and get 'em on out.

Hold your horses, cowboy.

Well, actually, if you knew how to do that, we wouldn't have this little buckaroo.

Oh, good. You're home.

No no no no no. Whatever it is, now is not a good time.

Unless you're leaving.

Because then, now would be a perfect time.

I need someone to talk to about Fitch.

I'm breaking up with him.

(Bonnie gasps)

Oh my God. Talk slow.

Don't leave anything out.

What's there to tell? You already gave away the ending.

You're dumping him. Thanks for stopping by.

He lives in Africa.

What was I thinking?

Gorgeous, smart and dedicated to helping others.

You're right. You could totally do better.

I know all that.

But it's cancelled out by that weird giggly laugh and that stupid feather necklace he wears all the time.

I mean, it's hideous, right?

(Gasps)

We have nothing in common.

Riley, no one is arguing with you.

So why don't you go call him and share the news?

I can't, because he's on some stupid two-week trek for the orphanage in Africa.

See? No time for me.

Yeah.

Hey, Ben.

I really like these new towels you got.

You got to use a lot of them, but they're super soft.

Those are hand towels!

And they're not for you. They were for Megan.

I really need everything to be perfect.

Okay, Bromeo, here is my sexy candle.

(Tucker laughs)

One whiff of that and inhibitions won't be the only thing dropping.

Oh, so that's what this is all about.

You haven't closed with Megan yet.

I don't know what's wrong.

I've never had this problem before.

Every time I try to make a move, I get all nervous and flustery.

You sound like a girl.

I mean, you must really like this girl.

Yeah, I do.

But you want to know what I'd like even more?

For all of you to grab your jackets, purses, wallets, underage loved ones, and get out.

Oh, okay.

No, not you, Megan, come on in. Okay.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, Megan.

Out. Out. Out.

F.Y.I., we already got one of these.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

That was really good.

And I'm really hoping that that was chicken.

(Laughs)

Well, then if we're both done, maybe we can move on to the entertainment portion of the evening.

And what exactly did you have in mind?

How 'bout we call it a surprise?

But just know I did change my sheets.

(Giggles)

Ow. (Laughs)

Ow, sorry... teeth.

It's fine. It's fine.

Ow, ow, ow.

My hair. My hair.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine, but are you okay?

Other than some seriously sweaty palms, I'm fine.

Okay. Why are you suddenly so nervous and flustery?

I assume you've done this before?

Done it before?

If I was on my usual schedule, your bra would have been off after the eggrolls.

I'm sorry if I'm not inspiring you.

No no no no. Of course, I'm super inspired.

Trust me it's all I've been thinking about.

Really?

Because what I'm thinking is we don't seem to have a connection.

But that shouldn't matter.

I've slept with a ton of girls I'd had almost no connection with whatsoever.

Oh, wait wait.

Oh, I know what's missing.

Oh. (Laughs)

(Knocking on door)

Breathe deep. I'll be right back.

Riley, kind of busy trying to get busy.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know where else to go.

What's wrong?

It's Fitch.

Yeah, got it.

You're breaking up with him.

Hideous laugh... super happy for you.

I just got off the phone with his dad.

Ben, Fitch is dead.

I should probably blow out that candle.

Riley: Thanks again for coming with me, Mrs. Wheeler. I just...

I don't think I could face Fitch's family alone.

You know I'm always here for you.

You're still buying me lunch afterwards, right?

Just I can't believe my last words to him were "What? I can't hear you. God, your phone sucks!"

At least it wasn't "See you in hell, old man!"

Sorry, grandpa.

Fitch says he hasn't talked to his dad in years.

So he's probably gonna ask me a million questions.

I don't know what I'm gonna say.

I barely knew Fitch.

That was one of our problems.

You're gonna be fine.

Just give him the box of Fitch's stuff.

Offer a quick "heaven just got another angel."

As long as you get in, get out and get it over with, Riley, you'll...

Hit the jackpot.

Why didn't you tell me Fitch was loaded?

Because he never told me.

He said that money makes humanity ugly.

Yeah, but it sure makes apartments awfully pretty.

Riley?

Winston Douglas, Fitch's dad.

Heaven just got another angel.

Bonnie: Wait.

Winston Douglas?

Scourge of Wall Street?

Indicted for insider trading and racketeering?

A gazillionaire a dozen times over?

That's me.

Bonnie Wheeler, huge fan.

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.

This is my...

Friend.

We're girlfriends.

You were probably thinking sisters.

Well, I am eternally in this young woman's debt.

Thanks to you, my son and I reconciled just days before he passed.

Me? What did I do?

He called the old man to say he met the girl he was gonna marry.

He was gonna ask me to marry him?

Well, his phone sucked, but I think that's what he said.

(Laughs)

We hadn't talked in years.

He hated everything that I stood for.

Thought I valued money and power more than people.

God, I'm attracted to you.

I'm only sorry my late wife couldn't have met you.

Late as in she's not here yet or...?

She passed away some time ago.

Oh, that is so sad.

So I was hoping you could tell me a little bit about my son.

Oh.

Honestly, I don't know what I could tell you.

Oh, honey, don't be shy.

Tell the rich man what he wants to hear.

Please.

If half of what my son said about you was true, you're the most wonderful, compassionate, caring, giving young woman in the world.

Well, he always was a pretty good judge of character.

You sure there's nothing you can tell me?

There might be one or two things.

We were kind of soul mates.

It's weird.

Fitch is the first dead person I ever met.

And that is why I am honoring him with my tucket list.

Your what?

My tucket list.

You know? All the important things I want to do before I die.

Look.

Swim with the dolphins.

Run with the bulls.

Date twins named Mandy and Sandy.

Fitch's death is all that I've been able to think about.

Hey, did you close with Megan yet?

Actually, she was the one who closed... the door... in my face.

Dude, what are you talking about?

You guys were perfect together.

Yeah, I thought you really... and I mean really liked her.

Yeah, I do, but I'm truly not myself around her.

I don't know what's wrong.

You ever consider that you might not just like her?

You could actually be in love with her.

(Laughs) What? No, I am not in love.

I've only ever loved three women in my life.

Emma, mom and Mrs. Rubenstein, my first grade teacher.

Now that was a woman.

I don't know.

I think I might actually agree with the big guy on this one.

Do you try to smell her hair whenever she's around?

Of course. It smells like sunshine.

Know her favorite flower?

Daisies.

Eyes?

Blue with little gold flecks.

Movie?

"The Notebook."

Watch it with her?

Twice.

(All groan)

You've got it bad.

You, little brother, are in love.

No, no. It's not possible.

Has Fitch's death taught you nothing?

Life is short, bro.

Yeah, which is why we make lists.

And falling in love should be at the very top.

Well, right next to having your own talk show called "Hey Tucker."

I'm telling you, if you just let her walk away, you're gonna regret it.

You're right.

You're totally right. Can you finish feeding Emma?

I'll be right back.

What is love...?

Next on "Hey Tucker."

Hi, there.

Ben?

Hi, Megan. We need to talk.

I'm, honestly, a little busy right now.

But I know what the problem is with us.

I'm sorry, haven't we kind of been through this?

I just think it's best if we both move on.

(Over intercom) This is Ben Wheeler and I'm in love with Megan Watson.

(Babies cry)

Oh, is it nap time?

(Over intercom) Sorry, babies.

Ben.

Look, I know what you're gonna say.

Too soon... we hardly know each other.

I'm mean...

(Over intercom) we haven't even had sex yet.

I beg you to step away from that thing.

Megan, life is short.

I'd tell you to just ask Fitch, but you can't because, well, his life was short.

All I'm really asking for is a second chance.

Chance granted.

Okay.

Watch and learn, kid. Watch and learn.

Pound it.

A mere 20... (Mumbles) years old, Fitch was a selfless, devoted humanitarian.

Or, as I once heard you describe him, a dull, self-important, know-it-all who reeks of patchouli.

Danny, leave Riley alone.

Fitch's father... your soon to be stepfather... has personally asked her to deliver the eulogy at his son's memorial.

Now I think you could try to be a little more supportive of me... us... her.

Whoo!

That was the most exhilarating and scary thing I have ever done.

Aw, look who's finally shaven.

No.

Skydiving, number 14 on my tucket list.

Wow, I can't believe you actually did it.

Yup, just me, the clouds and the 300-pound guy strapped to my back who actually pulled the chord.

I could have d*ed up there.

How could you be so insensitive?

The love my life just passed away.

Well, before you get matching his and hers cemetery plots, let me remind you of something.

You didn't love him.

You don't know that.

Hey.

Did you guys know that Megan spelled backwards is nagem?

If we ever have a kid together, I think that's what we might name it... boy or girl.

Yes, I do, because that's what love looks like.

It makes you look like an idiot.

Honestly, Riley, sometimes I don't know what I miss more, you or parasite-free drinking water.

You know you didn't actually talk to him this much when he was alive, right?

This is Fitch's laptop.

There's a bunch of unsent messages on it for me so his dad wanted me to have it.

Along with this necklace, which I cherish.

And tried to flush last time he was home.

Riley, admit it. You barely knew that guy.

Oh, really?

Than why did the New York Times call me for a quote for his obituary?

Do you know how hard it is to sound heartfelt and pithy in 25 words or less?

Well, you could make something up.

Oh wait, you did.

Danny, what's your problem?

I need you right now.

You may not recognize it, but this... this is the face of grief.

Fine.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just didn't realize how much you cared for him.

What can I do to help?

Well, you can start by finding something fun to play during my eulogy.

Fitch's dad is sending his car and driver so I can find something decent to wear.

It probably has to be black, right?

Riley, I miss you so much.

Riley, you truly mean everything to me.

Riley, you really are the only who understands...

Riley, I'm sorry, but I think we need to break up.

Thank you so much for coming.

You know, the receiving line is only for immediate family.

Oh, of course.

You heard the man, sister, move it along.

That's my mother.

And she's lovely.

Sorry, not exactly the romantic dinner I promised, but, hey, great party, right?

It's a funeral.

A funeral with an open bar.

Oh, thank you.

One for me and one for my girlfriend here.

Wow. I've never actually said that word before.

Girlfriend. I think I like it.

In fact, I think I love it.

Ben, I was really hoping that we were gonna be able to talk about all of this.

Hey, if you knew something about someone that might hurt another someone, but you think that someone should know anyway because it's what someone would have wanted, what would you do?

I'd ask someone else.

Oh, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, I'm Ben Wheeler.

I just wanted to say that your son was an inspiration to me. And if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be standing here now.

Well, there's probably no other way I would have let you into my house.

And may I present my girlfriend here?

Who, thanks to Fitch, I recently discovered I am in love with.

Okay, I can't do this.

Ben, I don't love you.

In fact, I don't even know who you are right now.

I'm sorry. I've got to go.

Well, you make a lovely couple.

Megan?

Tucker?!

What?

Man, I always try on people's coats at parties.

They keep such random things in their pockets.

(Gasping cough)

Oh my God, that was not breath spray.

(Coughing continues)

Okay, well, if you see Megan, tell her I need to talk to her.

Uh-huh.

Megan, hey, um. Ben really needs...

Consider the message delivered.

I just need to get my coat and get out of here.

I think you're making a really big mistake.

So did the guy who sold you that coat.

Tucker, you don't know what's going on.

No, I do know. And I know Ben.

And he has never acted like this before.

And he's dated a lot of girls.

I mean... a lot.

Thanks, already feeling better.

Listen, you are the first girl to completely shut him down, to knock him off his game.

Let me tell you something about guys.

We're actually really simple.

The more we like a girl, the stupider we get.

Basically we become bumbling, immature, slack-jawed idiots... also known as Ben.

But that's just it. I don't know that Ben.

I want the Ben I first fell for.

You know, the less weird one.

He's right here.

Megan, listen, I don't know what we have or what to call it.

All I know is I've honestly never felt this way before.

And I know I keep screwing this up, but I'm new at this.

And I just need to wait.

I know what I need to do.

Now see, that was perfect.

Yes!

Number 43.

Oh my... bring a couple together at a funeral.

Thanks, guys. Thought I'd never get that one.

Swag!

So maybe we'll just take it slow this time?

Hopefully not as slow as we've been taking it.

So... (Laughs)

Madame, I believe you were looking for your coat.

(Gasps and giggles)

Danny: Riley, stop. You need to see this.

Danny, not now.

I'm about to give a heartfelt eulogy.

Yeah, about that...

I didn't want to go with "I told you so," because that would be rude, but it's kind of implied.

Just let me see it.

I thought a lot about this.

Riley, I'm sorry, but I think we need to break up.

At the end of the day, I just... don't know how much we have in common.

We're such different people.

Well, that's not right. That's not fair.

He can't break up with me.

I was gonna break up with him.

I was gonna do it first.

Fitch: You're breaking up with me?

Fitch.

Oh, my God, son, you're alive.

Aw, man.

Now I haven't met any dead people.

I guess when they found nothing but my laptop and that necklace, they assumed I was dead.

Turns out you can't trust a monkey with a note.

You were gone for two weeks.

What were you doing that whole time?

Guess I needed time to think... about us.

Oh. Oh, and how you were gonna break up with me via video message, which is just like a notch above a text, by the way.

I never sent that message because it wasn't true.

I was just trying to protect myself.

In my heart of hearts, I knew you would never say yes.

Is there any chance I was wrong?

I'm really sorry.

But there is a girl out there that deserves this because you are, in every way, truly one of a kind.

I really wish you were the right guy for me.

Oh, my God.

Reconsidering?

No.

I'm good.

But that girl is gonna be really lucky.

Whoo! What did we miss?

Oh, hey, Fitch, you met my girlfriend?

Whoo!

(Sighs)

(Exhales)

(Moans)

Oh, I'm gonna be very happy here.

What the hell are you doing in my house?!

Winston.

Oh, this isn't my coat.

Okay.

Hey, um, before I go you know what?

I don't have cab fare. Could I borrow a million bucks?

Worth a sh*t. Okay.