02x11 - Whatever Lola Wants

[bunniefuu]

Dude, who the hell put all these dirty dishes in my bed?

Probably the same person who couldn't find a clean bowl, and is being forced to eat his cereal out of a box!

Hey, that's a really good idea.

Do we have another box?

Okay, people, fair warning: If you don't want it chewed up, ripped up or peed on, I suggest you move it to higher ground.

Oh, cool. Is grandma coming over?

No. Lola, Megan's dog.

I volunteered to watch her while she's out of town.

Ben, that dog hates you.

Well, so did Megan before she got to know me.

Seriously, I gotta figure out a way to get through to that dog.

If I don't, I'm gonna be the one begging strangers to scratch my belly.

Ben, no. You can't possibly bring one more living thing into this apartment.

If you haven't noticed, we already have a baby and a giant.

Look, I really feel like you're starting to take advantage of me.

That is not true. (knocks on door)

Hey, can you change Emma real quick?

Thanks.

Oh, my god.

There they are! Ha ha! My two favorite girlfriends.

Oh, we are gonna have so much fun together.

That is what I was just saying to Lola. Here.

Are you sure you two are gonna be okay together?

Of course. How could we not?

Aw, come here.

Yeah, we love each other, don't we, Lola?

(growling)

Please don't eat me.

(theme music playing)

♪ it's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Hold my hand, Emma.

I'm scared.

Quit your whining, Wheeler.

Bonnie's beauty bar guarantees that you are going to love your new haircut.

Oops. Not gonna love that.

(mumbles) Just...

That's it! We're done here.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Wheeler. Quick question: Was Danny born messy or is he just honing his skills here?

Sadly, he came out that way.

I actually stopped going into his bedroom after he turned 14.

(sharply inhales) For multiple reasons.

When we finally moved out, I just tossed a match in there and let the insurance company deal with it.

(dog barking, pounding door)

Stay, Lola, stay! No! Ow! (groans)

(sighs) I just don't get it!

I play with her, nuzzle her, rub her.

Why won't she love me?

Clearly, you've never been married.

Hey, your hairy little lady friend kept me up half the night whining and yapping.

I could hear her all the way over at my place.

And my blender was on full tilt for margarita Monday.

Mom, it's Thursday.

(deep voice) Don't judge me.

Whoo! All right. Big news, people.

So I have an interview tomorrow at my old law firm.

I'm getting my job back.

Nice!

Nice!

Wait, the firm that fired you for not passing the bar?

That is completely... Not totally false.

But, you know, I'm moving on.

And I've passed the bar and I've brushed up on the latest case law, and I'm gonna show them that Riley Perrin, legal eagle, is back.

Oh, dear dear sweet naive little Riley, sure "knowledge" is great, but you might want to update your look.

You know? Add a little pizzazz!

I've got pizzazz.

Honey, that was just p-sad.

All right, boys, help me out here.

Who you hiring?

Smart or hot?

Hot. Hot.

Totally hot.

Definitely hot.

Well, since Moe, Larry and Curly aren't on the selection committee, I think I'm good.

Really? Because Bonnie's beauty bar is now featuring home spray tanning.

Oh, I don't know. Those always look kinda fake.

Mm-hmm.

Riley, take your pick...

Mocha frappuccino or cinnamon toast.

Well, I mean, maybe I could use a little color.

(screams)

(panting)

Oh, my god. What have you done to me?!

I don't know what happened.

(stammering) Oh, "dilute solution with water."

Oh, I bet that was it.

My interview is tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

I know you're upset.

So I won't charge you for this session.

(whistle tweeting)

(dog barking)

(whistle tweets thrice)

(dog barking)

(whistle tweeting)

Ben!

What is going on with that dog?

Who cares, man? I'm having a great time.

Okay, gentlemen, I believe "thank yous" are in order.

I have handled our whole sanitation situation.

I have hired a cleaning crew.

Dude, that's great!

No, not a great idea.

I don't want a bunch of strangers coming up in here touching all my stuff.

I'd like for you to meet our cleaning crew, Ashley and Debbie.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, please. Please come in and touch all of my stuff.

We're just gonna get started, if that's okay.

Uh...

Guys, don't we have something better to do?

Yeah yeah yeah. We coming, all right.

Yeah, we're coming. We're doing it.

We're just gonna get out of your way.

We need to pick up Emma at daycare and get a beer.

Maybe not in that order.

Ladies, just leave the key under the mat when you're done.

Oh, and you may want to stay out of my room.

My girlfriend's dog is in there, And she's half-mop, half-devil.

And my room is in the back.

I could show you where it is, if you'd like.

Oh, my god. I love you.

Riley, hi. I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

But it is really so good to see you...

What the hell happened to you?!

Spray tan gone awry.

I tried to scrub it off, but I think that just made it angry.

Ms. Jenson, please don't be put off by my cheddar-like appearance.

There is no one with more knowledge about this law firm than me.

Except for maybe you.

Riley, honestly, even if you had passed the bar the first time we still were gonna let you go.

You're just too...

Nice.

Nice?

You think I'm too nice?

There is no one more un-nice than I am!

Sorry.

Ow.

There's nothing wrong with being nice.

But it doesn't really make for a good attorney.

We crush people for a living.

And that's what I wanna do.

I wanna crush people too.

Really?

Then what happened to that person that turned you into a yam?

You suing them?

Um. Well, no. Not exactly.

I rest my case. I think we're done here.

Oh, um... uh, wait. I'm not suing her, because...

We're going straight to mediation.

You are?

Oh, my God, yes.

And I am gonna take her for everything she's worth.

Hmm.

Maybe I have underestimated you.

So you're gonna reconsider?

This may be a way that you can prove to me that you can really do this.

You can use our conference room.

You want me to do the mediation here?

Yes.

Think of it as an extended interview.

(slightly gasps) Oh, this is going to be fun!

Oh, and if we're lucky, someone might cry.

I could almost guarantee it.

(all laughing)

(ben gasps)

(Emma coos)

Okay, they were pretty and all, but that cleaning crew sucked.

Where's our tv?

I think we've been robbed.

I can't believe we got robbed right after we finally got the place clean!

Dude, it was those girls.

What else did they take?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no no no no...

(exhales)

They took Lola!

Now I really regret paying them in advance.

Okay, I've been up and down every block in the neighborhood.

I put up flyers on every corner in a five-mile...

(cheering on tv)

Is that a new tv?!

Yeah, you told us to do something, so we did something.

Yeah.

It is so important to have your priorities straight in a time like this.

It's not our priority.

We need to get Lola back.

Calm down, bro.

Who could know that hot maids with no references would rip us off?

Everyone!

Did you at least call the cops? What did they say?

Well, they said they'd get back to us in like five to seven days.

And then they laughed at us for giving our keys to strangers.

Five to seven days?!

I don't have five to seven hours.

Megan's gonna... (cellphone vibrating)

Ah! It's her!

Answer? Don't answer?

Both: Don't answer.

(exhales)

Megan, hello.

Hi. Uh, yeah.

Lola. Uh-huh.

You wanna talk to her.

Okay. Uh, yeah. She's right here.

Let me grab her.

Oh, that's a good girl.

Yeah...

(yips)

(yipping)

(barking, yipping)

Okay, that's a good girl.

See? All good.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

We need to find those girls.

Danny, do you still have their number?

Yeah, but... (scoffs)

I would not recommend them to anyone.

What are we supposed to do?

Set up a sting operation and catch them ourselves?

Tucker, that's brilliant!

Nobody's gonna let us just use their apartment to catch a couple of thieves.

What if we don't tell that nobody?

And by nobody, I mean mom.

This is perfect!

I paid those girls for two weeks.

Bonnie: You're suing me?!

Mrs. Wheeler, I am a carrot in heels.

(scoffs)

You owe me this.

Fine.

Yes!

Thank you. Thank you, thank you...

Whoa whoa whoa, tangerine dream.

I just bought this.

Oh. Hey, Riley.

I didn't know you were gonna be... wait.

Is there something different about you? You change you hair?

Yeah. I changed my hair.

You look good. You look really good.

So mom, I'm going to the store and wondered if you needed anything.

Oh. Honey, that's really sweet.

Actually, I got a list on the fridge.

And I'm making Emma's schedule.

Which days will you be around your apartment?

Well, every day except tomorrow.

I have to go downtown and let Riley publicly humiliate me, so I'm kinda booked.

Tomorrow.

Okay. That's great. Thank you.

Well, wait wait. Don't you need my grocery list?

What would I want that for?

(door closes)

And they wonder why margarita Monday is three days a week.

Riley, as much as I'd love for you to get your job back, you're really gonna have to show me that you can do this.

I won't let you down.

I promise.

Come on in.

Ladies.

Mrs. Wheeler, I'm Margaret Jenson, I'll be mediating. I believe you know Ms. Perrin, who'll be acting as her own attorney.

And this is my attorney.

Mister... Hector.

You brought an attorney?

Don't worry, he's just my doorman.

All right, let's get this little shakedown session started.

Oh!

Mrs. Wheeler!

I got it!

I said I got it.

All right. (exhales)

Carry on.

Um, all right.

For the record, are you Bonnie Wheeler, owner of Bonnie's beauty bar?

Yes.

And is it true that you do not have a current license to practice cosmetology in the state of New York?

I would like to plead the fifth at this time, and if it pleases the court, we'd like to break for lunch.

Mrs. Wheeler, if we do not come to a swift conclusion to these proceedings, I will petition for criminal charges to be brought.

And I will shut down Bonnie's beauty bar for good.

I mean, it only takes one look at my skin to prove that you have no skills, no talent and have no right to be working in this business.

Mrs. Wheeler, you are a disgrace!

Well...

Let me tell you something.

(sniffling)

Here they come...

(voice breaking) I'm so sorry.

You're right, you know?

I don't know what I'm doing.

But this business is all that I have left.

You know, I'm just trying to restart my life.

After the divorce and then Ben having a baby...

Mrs. Wheeler, are you okay?

No! No, I'm not!

I really thought I could do this, but I can't.

Everything that you said was true.

If this doesn't work out, I just don't know what I'm gonna do. (sobbing)

No no, please don't cry. I'm so sorry.

It's gonna be all right.

(composed) I know.

I'm just trying to help you.

Oh.

So...

I'm guessing you two know each other.

Alright, so, the girls will be here any minute.

Danny, is the key under the mat?

Check.

Tucker, video camera ready?

Check.

A place to hide? Oh, right.

I was in charge of that.

Closet.

So we'll catch 'em stealing on tape, then turn them over to the police, and get Lola back.

(snap fingers)

Everybody in.

One at a time!

Okay, go.

Knock knock.

Anybody home?

See?

Told you they wouldn't be here.

And what's the first thing they did?

Buy themselves a new tv.

These guys are such idiots. (both chuckling)

They should be here by now.

When you set this up, you said 3:00, right?

Yeah. But they might have had trouble understanding me because...

(with accent) I disguised my voice by using clever accent.

You didn't use your own phone, did you?

Yeah, what other phone would I use?

A phone that doesn't have a number they recognize!

(groans)

Danny, what is the matter with you?!

They know this whole thing was a setup.

Those girls are never gonna show up now.

(lock rattling) (gasps) They're here.

Go go go go go go go! Come on, come on.

All you had to do was give me a heads-up.

I mean, it would have been nice to know you were planning on auditioning for a telenovela.

I was good, wasn't I?

No!

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

(both screaming)

What are you doing here?

And why are you doing it in my closet?

Danny hired a cleaning crew who robbed us and stole Megan's dog, so we hired them to rob you.

And happy mother's day.

Mom, they stole Megan's dog.

I have to get her back.

All I have left is this little pink whistle.

(whistle tweets) (dog barks)

Lola?

She's back in our apartment!

With the girls!

And they are taking our new tv!

Go go go go!

Mom, call the police!

Answer me this question, miss lawyer.

Is it possible to sue your own kids for pain and suffering?

Probably not.

But...

I think I know someone we can sue.

Oh, I'll call Hector.

He's almost done updating my will.

Freeze!

We missed them.

They got it.

And it still had that new tv smell.

Did you catch them?

I took the elevator. They are not in there.

We blew it! Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna tell Megan?

(cellphone vibrating)

(gasps) It's her!

Answer? Don't answer?

Both: Don't answer.

(exhales sharply)

Megan, hi.

Lola?

(mouthing)

Come on.

(barks gruffly) (gasps)

I think she might have a cold.

Okay, bye now.

Riley: Look, I know what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry.

But I hope you can see now how truly passionate I am about working here.

And I will literally try anything to make my point.

Really? (chuckles)

That's all you got?

Actually, no. It's not all I got.

Mrs. Wheeler?

(groaning) Yeah?

Ow ow ow ow.

Ow ow ow...

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, I wish I was.

But your office furniture is faulty and has led to untold pain and suffering to my client.

Fine. Go ahead. Sue me.

Oh, I'm suing you, all right.

For her medical treatments, her recovery time, Not to mention the potential long-term consequences of her injuries.

And when this goes to trial, don't be surprised if every dirty little trick this firm has ever played becomes a matter of public record.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, try me.

Who's too nice now?

Welcome back, Riley.

You can start on Monday.

(quietly) Yes. Thank you so much. All right.

Let's go, Mrs. Wheeler.

Oh, thank God. This thing was driving me crazy.

Did you see how good...

(knocks on door)

The truth... just tell her the truth.

(sighs)

Lola's at the groomers'.

The groomers'?

Ben, what's going on?

Look, Megan.

I just have to be honest with you.

Lola ran off with a schnauzer she met at the park.

Or...

Lola!

Maybe she was kidnapped by two girls who tried to ransom her back to me.

Kinda wished you mentioned that before the whole schnauzer story.

(chuckles)

So you paid the ransom?

No, I called the cops, and they arrested the girls when they showed up with the dog.

Wow, that is a really good plan.

Ben.

How could you let this happen?

I trusted you to take care of my baby and you let her get stolen.

Then lied to me about it.

You know she's not a real baby, right?

I just don't think I can ever forgive you for this.

What are you saying?

That I can't see you anymore.

Bye, Ben.

(whistle tweets)

(dog barks)

(whistle tweeting)

(dog barking)

Lola, calm down.

What is the matter with you?!

(tweeting continues)

You wanna make sure that you get a good foam going.

Like this?

No. Scrub those plates like they owe you money!

Now you're just moving dirt around.

Give me that!

Honestly.

Who can't figure out how to wash a plate?

You are lucky that you can change light bulbs and smoke detectors, otherwise you'd be completely useless.

(humming)

So lemony.