03x04 - Rat Pack

[bunniefuu]

(squeaking)

Abbi?

(squeaking)

Rat Bastard!

(laughing) Ah...

(screaming)

Get out of here! You're ruining my life!

(squeaking)

(screaming)

This is some of my best sandwich work to date.

(screaming)

(gasping) No, no-no-no.

Rata hijueputa.

Kinda sexy.

(screaming)

(man screaming)

(squeak-squeak)

Weed thief!

(squeaking)

♪ Four and three and two and one-one ♪♪

That rat won't be bothering you anymore.

He's gone to a better place.

Oh, you mean, like the heaven.

Oh, no. His dead carcass is probably rotting in the ceiling.

Oof.

All right, that'll be $400.

$400?

Are you serious?

I'm gonna have to sell my sperm again, uh...

Jesus, that's criminal.

No.

$400.

Oh!

That's all of it.

Thank you.

God...

(exterminator) Oh, there's a package out here.

Ooh, Larry and David.

♪♪

(woman mimicking siren)

Flirt alert, oh, my God, cute dress, Ab.

Hot date later?

Is he black?

What?

No, I just thought it was a party, so, I'm wearing normal clothes.

Right, this is your first Summer Solstice Soulstice party.

You 'lil virgin, ooh... (laughing)

I'm gonna need to start drinking.

Yes, girl.

Here, drink this.

It is 11% alcohol content kombucha.

I like to call it "kom-booze-cha."

(laughing)

Don't, um, don't steal that, though.

I came up with it.

♪♪

Olive oil?

Sea salt crackers?

Baklava?!

This is the most beautiful basket I've ever seen, and I grew up on Long Island.

They had shivas for days, literally.

"We love and accept you exactly as you are."

Oh, my God.

It must be from my parents.

Oh!

They haven't spoken to me since I came out to them months ago.

Months?

This must be their olive branch, literally.

Olive branch?

Dur, there's olive tapenade in here.

I mean, double dur.

Larry and David? That's two men, right?

Oh, my God, this is so beautiful, Ilana.

Oh, my God.

That's awesome, dude.

Yeah.

I think we should throw a party and spread the seed of this gesture all over people.

Himmelz, what if we charged a cover, and we made back that money that we gave to that stupid exterminator?

Ooh.

Sometimes we are so smart, Ilana, I am scared of what we are truly capable of.

I gotta call A-Team.

Oh!

(cell phone melody plays)

Go for Abbi.

Jaimé's former bigot parents who are now amazing, sent him an "insahn" gift basket from Larry and David.

Holy sh*t.

Uh...

Well, uh, save me some of those chocolate-covered cherries 'cause those are so classy.

I'll do ya one better.

We're throwing a party tonight for a tiny fee of ten bucks a head.

Bring friends... I, I don't have any, but you guys.

(phone beeping)

That's cool.

Uh-oh, what do we have here?

Caught Abbi red 'anded, creepin' on da Soulstice floor.

Shaggy Boombastic!

But, seriously, what are you doing?

I was just in here... drinking because this was like my third, and fourth, uh, bottle of booze.

And I didn't want anyone to see me, you know, consuming so many empty calories.

All right, tell you what. I am in, I'm gonna join ya.

Cent'anni!

It's kind of spunky, right?

That's what she said.

(laughing)

Come on, that was genuinely organic.

"That's what she said."

Okay.

♪♪
♪ I want some marijuana, uh uh oh ♪
♪ I wanna marijuana ♪
♪ I want some marijuana ♪
♪ I need some marijuana ♪
♪ Uh uh oh ♪
♪ Whudda bud down Whudda bud down ♪
♪ Whudda bud down Whudda bud down ♪
♪ Whudda bud down whudda day ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat dat dat ♪
♪ I need some marijuana Uh uh oh ♪
♪ Roll it and lick it and light it and smoke it ♪
♪ And pass it and lick it and light it and pass it ♪
♪ And roll it and lick it and light it and pass it ♪
♪ Then light it and smoke it and... ♪
♪ Roll it, now roll it, now roll it, now roll it ♪
♪ Now roll it, now roll it, now roll it, now roll it ♪
♪ Now roll it, now roll it, now roll it, now roll it ♪

Weed queen.

(laughing)

Okay?

Hey, don't make me do CPR, okay?

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

So, I go into, like, a Starbucks, you know, Starbucks.

It's, like, a pretty big chain of coffee shops.

Yeah, I've seen 'em around.

From Seattle! Get a clue, man!

(burps) And I'm, like, ordering.

And the person's like, "What's your name?"

And I'm, like, "Mrs. Starbucks."

(both laughing)

(cell phone melody plays)

I'm gonna pick up my phone 'cause it's ringing.

Hello?

Can you steal tampons, too?

Yeah, tampons!

Ohh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you're bleeding.

Dur, that's why I need the tampons.

You're bleeding. You're bleeding.

Sorry, take your phone call, You'take your phone call, you'take your phone call.

No, tamps, tamps.

For, for... yeah, yeah... I got them.

That didn't mean anything.

♪♪

I can't believe that diseased little rat chewed through my favorite period panties.

Panty-eating rat perv.

Ilana, there's been something I've been wanting to ask you for a while and don't feel any pressure at all to say yes.

But it would mean the world to me, if I could be your Head Chef.

Yeah, go nuts.

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Teddy Roosevelt.

Spider-Man.

(sighs) Even better.

Ffft!

Whoa.

Okay, I, I know what you're gonna say, but just hear me out, okay?

I've always felt that the energy in this room was just off.

But I didn't wanna say anything because, you know, I don't like to stir the sh*t pot.

But since this happened with my parents, I feel more like, mmm, confidence.

This... is how I feel the room should be.

I love it.

Oh, sweet!

Why didn't you do this, like, a year ago?

I don't know! It was like I hated a part of myself.

Now I only hate my cankles.

(knocking on door)

(Abbi) I need to make out with somebody.

Wham, bam, thank you, sir.

No, someone new.

Okay, I'll do this for you.

No, someone who's attracted to women.

Abbi, just so you know, every guy here's gonna be, like, a four-plus on the Kinsey scale.

(Jaime and Ilana whisper) Gay.

I know, that's why this gal joined Tinder.

You on Tinder?

I thought you're all about that IRL meet-cute rom-com Lyfe.

You must be très horny.

I'm not Trey anything, Ilana... what?

Okay, I won't show-off my French, Abbi.

(gasping) Plus, every Tinder guy will pay us the $10!

Money-money-money-money...

Plus, plus, it's not even your apartment, so if they come back to chop you up, you're not even here.

Yeah... Wait, what?

(music and chatter)

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mmm...

That is so hot.

Yes.

Hi, thank you so much, thanks.

It's gonna be worth it.

Thank you, love your money... outfit.

Uh, oh, it is so disgustingly hot in here.

You know what?

I'll give you a discount, I know a gal...

Okay, no, I'm gonna go. I love you.

Love ya.

Last one in, first one out, respect.

Uh, oh, I got three matches already, so...

Tinder is so (bleep) easy, dude.

Yes, it is healthy for you to have zero discretion sometimes.

I just got another match.

God, why didn't I do this earlier?

I am rich in men.

And those men are gonna make me rich... in money.

♪ I rich ♪
♪ I rich, I rich ♪
♪ I rich... ♪

(gasping)

Rat Bastard!

Lincoln, I just saw that dickhead rat.

Where?

In this apartment.

If people see him, they're gonna leave.

And worse yet, they're gonna want their money back.

Yeah, but they'd be right.

Right?

Yeah, I know.

Okay, Lincoln, I need your culinary skills to go above and beyond right now.

I need you to create a dish so good, so élégante, that the party is distracted and I can catch this fat-ass rat-ass myself.

I'm talking Food Network-level.

This restaurant would definitely rate a "C," on the New York Sanitation Department scale.

But I wanna take on this challenge.

Actually, it would be a grade "D"

'cause of that moth larvae all over the ceiling.

Yeah, I can't find the source.

Okay, dope.

Hi, Tadd 26?

Yeah, Abbi, hi.

Wow, you look great.

This is a really good photo of you.

Thanks.

It's almost too good, though.

Okay.

Should I go?

Inside? Yeah.

I'll take that off your hands.

Enjoy yourself, feel welcome.

Mm-hmm.

Ilana, come on, I just... broke up with him.

I need him, I need them all.

I spent $400 to get rid of this rat.

I just saw him scurrying across the floor with his little nails.

(gasping) (squeaking)

Oh, my God, rat!

Pack!

With Fred Sinatra, and they would sing a cappella and watch each other (bleep).

Give me my money back. I'm not staying at a rat party.

Okay, okay... Get out of here.

Keep quiet. Go.

(cell phone vibrates)

What... No one.

What?

What? I didn't get a text from anybody.

If I ever get my own food truck, I'm gonna call it "Lincoln's Center."

That is genius! (laughing)

Wow.

Mmm...

Mmm.

Gracias, Lincoln.

Okay.

(sighing)

I've been keeping something in for a very long time.

But today's a new day for the Jaimé.

Your mustache is terrible.

It makes you look like you... Like touch the little children.

(sighs) That felt good.

Mmm.

Mother(bleep), that's good.

Whoa, costume change?

Yeah, I'm quirky.

(tap dancing)

♪♪

(squeaking)

Sorry... (chuckling)

Get up.

(squeaking)

(sighing)

(whispering) Damn it.

(whooping, applause)

Hold down the fort.

I've got a plan.

God, I loved your hair.

Not cool.

Oh, I'd love to make out with this guy.

I thought you said you were 26?

I was, in that picture.

I thought that was an Instagram filter.

Ooh, you're really sexy.

With a great smile.

Hey, can I see your tat?

Too...

♪ Two peas in a pod ♪
♪ And neither of us are Jews ♪

You should Uber.

That's, um, German, right?

Sorry, but this obviously isn't you.

Yeah, obviously.

You thought a young Denzel Washington was gonna show up for your Tinder date?

You shoulda just swiped left.

Wait, what do you mean "swipe left"?

(meows)

Jellicle Cat, I need you to find and k*ll this ballsack, Rat Bastard.

(knocking on door)

In use!

(Abbi) Ilana, it's me.

Oh, come in.

Dur, oh my God.

Did you know that you can, like, swipe left on Tinder?

And that means you're not into the guy.

I thought you had to meet-up with every...

You have options.

What's happening in here?

The cat's out of the bag.

Jellicle was not easy to remove from the bodega.

But I gotta catch this piece of sh*t, Rat Bastard, and I needed backup.

So, I had to borrow him.

Or her.

Hm, what you?

Well, I kinda hope it's a guy because there's literally zero good guys here.

I need to meet, like, real men in real life that I don't work with.

Yeah.

What?

That I don't, like, work it with.

You know?

Totally.

That's what I meant to say.

Well, please let this work.

No, it's totally going to, because cats can be scary vicious.

(purring)

Come on, Jellicle Cat, scheme, make some (bleep) trouble.

Like, Tom and Jerry.

Oh, my God, the media, reducing even cats to a stereotype.

See, I have to remember, I am the problem.

Up next, you'll savor chilled chocolate-covered cherry slivers your tongue didn't know that it needed.

Enjoy.

I am crushin' it right now.

I'm definitely gonna be the Chop'd Champion tonight.

Yes.

What?

The rat just ran over my foot.

You know the band Ratatat? Let's listen to thatatat, mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

(knocking on door)

Oh, if I have to see another Tin-dude, I'm gonna (bleep) break out.

Hi, I am looking for a Larry and David gift basket that was dropped off here.

I, I, dropped it off, but at the wrong address, and I need it back now.

My money.

My parents.

My chef's high.

My...

My, my.

How you doin'?

So, what are you saying? It didn't come from Guatemala?

No, I'm sorry. This is 21510th Street.

And I was supposed to deliver it to 21015th Street.

I keep messing up because I have dyslexia.

Please, this is an SOS.

I'm sorry, SOS.

Dude, I'm so sorry but we got the basket, and I already made some incredible...

Strides.

Strides.

To keep the basket in mint condition.

So, you know, we're just gonna need a couple minutes to fill out some paperwork.

Mm-hmm.

You seem stressed. Why don't you come in?

You guys figure out the paperwork.

I'll show you around.

I mean, with letters and everything, it's like, who cares what order they're in?

♪♪

Steven.

Yeah, I shaved my mustache with the pubey girl razor from the bathroom.

You happy?

You look incredible.

I was completely right.

And the whole pedophile mustache was so distracting.

But now I see your face. It's beautiful.

Kind of like it, too.

It's like I was holding onto something, like, some kind of mask.

You know, we should hang out like in a date way.

Yeah, I'd love that.

I'm really glad that this all happened.

Me too.

Ew, dude!

h*m*!

You hate the gays, man?

Who's a h*m*?

No, look at this mess!

I'm never gonna be able to get this back together.

Lincoln, what do we all know is the most challenging part of cooking?

Presentation.

Exactly.

This is a presentation challenge.

Let's turn our trash... (clearing throat)

Into treasure.

I never will care about this basket, so good luck.

I'm not losing this money.

Cool hat. I love hats.

(chuckling)

Cool, um...

Can I ask you a personal question?

Mm-hmm.

You ever taken a sharp turn in one of those trucks without the doors on it, and then, you just fall out?

All the time.

Quick follow-up. Do you wanna make out right now?

Yeah.

Okay.

Perfect.

Keep going. Do your thing.

Just pick the right food.

Oh, great.

Everybody love cheese balls.

I know, they're, like, too good.

This is actual food.

This is honestly really (bleep) good.

We did it.

Yeah, but I still don't feel too good about this.

I've been making a mockery of Larry and David and they seem like really good guys.

Larry and David are fine.

They've got a whole franchise based on their expl*sive sexual and romantic relationship.

Yo, what the (bleep) are you talking about?

The Larry and David franchise.

Larry and David are brothers.

Ew.

♪♪

Here's your pristine basket.

We really wanna get in there, but we used our willpower.

No, no, we just made out.

(clearing throat)

Is that a shower curtain?

(squeaking) Oh, my God.

You little piece of sh*t!

(Bleep) you.

You (bleep) rat!

I'm gonna (bleep) k*ll you!

(Kn*fe clatters to floor)

(gasping)

(Lincoln) Ugh...

Ohhh!

She's female.

Don't you see?

(laughing)

And she just had these little babies.

Oh (bleep).

She's a single gal just looking to raise her kids in a safe home.

Hey, no, I'm freaking out right now.

She's me!

What the (bleep) is going on here?

Come on, they're so cute.

They're wrinkly, but they're soft and fun, too.

That's what she said.

(laughing)

That's something Trey would say.

Oh my God, totally.

You gotta head out.

What?

It's time for you to go.

You sure?

Yeah, you just say that basket was stolen and you can salvage that job, great.

It's been fun.

(exhales) We're a great team.

Yes, we are.

May God, She bless us.

Every one.

(squeaking)

Oh, God.

Goodness.

Hey, you know what, baby?

Yeah?

Right now that I'm on this new path of like, honesty and truth?

There's a couple of things that I wanted to share with you.

First of all, in the near future, I would kind of like to use our oven for cooking.

Will you take your clothes out, please?

Absolutely, I hear that, I hear that.

Thank you so much.

Ilana, I don't want to do your bacne anymore.

What?

I'm sorry, it's just not my thing. You should see a dermatologist.

Would you mind just doing one last one, the middle...

I got it.

Massive middle back.

(exhales)

There's another thing, Ilana, and I just...

I say this because I love you so much.

There is something you do that I see a lot of white people do.

And it's kind of like cultural appropriation.

I've heard about this.

Like, for example, you know those earrings that you have that say "Latina"?

Yeah?

They look beautiful on you.

Thank you.

But you not latina anymore.

It's almost like you're stealing the identity from people who fought hard for against colonial structures.

So, in a way, it's almost like you are the colonists.

You see?

Ah!

Oh, that felt good.

(sighs)

Oh, also, mi amor, can you please get off Grindr?

You have a Grindr profile and it's kind of our thing, you know?

I just wanna see penises within a mile of me.

I'm so sorry, I've gone too far.

You can see all the penises you want.

Teach me.

All the penises you want.

Teach me.

Penis.