03x04 - The Two Joes

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mythic Quest". Aired: February 7, 2020 – present.*
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Follows a team of video game developers as they navigate the challenges of running a popular MMORPG called Mythic Quest.
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03x04 - The Two Joes

Post by bunniefuu »

[TYPING]

Dana! There you are.

Where's Ian? I thought you
two were attached at the...

Ear.

- Hi, Ian.
- [IAN] Hi, Pop.

He says, "Hi, Pop."
Do you need something?

Yes. I finally finished
my expanded prototype,

and I want you to be
the first one to play it.

- [IAN] Love to.
- He said he'd love to.

No, not Ian. God, I am
so past giving a sh*t

what he thinks about my game.

No, I'm talking about you, Dana.

Oh, wow, I'm so flattered. I
would love to give you my thoughts.

Thoughts? No. No, not thoughts.
Bugs. I... I want you to test Hera.

[GROANS]

- [IAN] Way too hot, Pop.
- Mm-hmm.

She did just say that to
me. You got that down too?

- Really? [IAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- What?

No, I got it.

Look, Poppy, I'm not a tester anymore.

And besides, Ian's on
his way to pick me up.

- He's speaking with my class today.
- Okay. Well, tell...

And he also says your throat
sounds a little phlegmy

and maybe you should lay off the dairy.

- Okay, give me that. Give me... Give it.
- Ow. Ow!

Hello, Ian.

No, I'm fine.

Well, while you're having fun
doing your little project today,

just know that I'm gonna be
here doing what I always do.

No! Not having a breakdown.

No, not begging for approval.

No, not disagreeing
with you for no reason.

Stop... S... Stop telling
me what I always do.

What I always do is I get the work done,

and that is what I'm going to do.

And I don't eat too much dairy!

Here, he's your problem now.

Just so you know,

once you have him in your
ear, you can never get him out.

Hey, Ian. You almost here?

- Good morning, sir.
- Morning.

Uh, Jo, please, y-you don't have to
stand every time I enter the room.

I'm showing you respect.

And I appreciate that. It's very kind.

It's also very weird.
Makes me feel uncomfortable.

- Please sit.
- Yes, sir.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

You know, my commute
from Cerritos just...

it keeps getting worse and worse.

Mostly because there was, uh,

a mentally unstable man in
a hoodie with no bottoms.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- And you know, lotta lookie-loos.

Mr. Brittlesbee's office, good morning.

Uh, please hold.

It's someone calling about Joe
Manjaneneh... Manja... Man-jann-nyllo?

Joe Manganiello? The True Blood stud?

I guess. He wants to have lunch
with you to talk about the movie.

- [GASPS] For real?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, he could be
perfect for the lead role.

I didn't even think of him.

- So what do you want me to say?
- Uh, s... say yes.

Hello. Um, yes.

I believe Mr. Brittlesbee
can find time in his schedule.

How's : p.m. today?

What? No. Not today.

No, that's too desperate. We
don't wanna seem desperate.

- Okay, great. : p.m. it is.
- What?

Um, I'll send some details
over to, uh, Mr. Manj...

Man... Manganiello. It's Italian.

Nello. I'll send it to you soon. Bye.

Oh, my God. I can't believe he said yes.

Uh, he wants to meet
today? That's... Oh, my God.

He must really want the part.

Oh, my God. This is, uh...
This is big, Jo. This is big.

Okay. All right, Jo, I want everything
you can find on Joe Manganiello.

I wanna know where he's from, where
he lives, you know, how big is he?

Is he as big as they
say on the Internet?

What drives him, what does he
drive? Does he drive at all?

I wanna know what this
man ate for breakfast.

Although, with his bod, he
probably skips breakfast. I would.

Either way, uh, take some notes,
do some research and get back to me.

- Got it?
- Mm-hmm.

Cool. Oh, and you should be there too.

Yes. Yes. That'll be good,
to have an assistant with me.

It's good optics, you know.
Shows that I have power.

And, uh, he'll respect that. Uh, cool?

- Mm-hmm.
- Good. Good.

Also, one quick question. Why
are you bleeding from the mouth?

Oh. Sorry, I-I'm biting my
tongue. Um, is that better?

A little. Um, w-why are you
biting your tongue till you bleed?

David, I wanna be a good
assistant to you, I do.

It's just that I think Hollywood
is a cesspool of narcissism,

sexual deviancy and moral corruption.

Okay, J-Jo, cou...
Um, do you mind if I...

- Mmm.
- Yeah. Um, look,

we might land the... the
lead role of our movie today,

so, all I'm asking is that you
put aside your personal beliefs

and you just be the best assistant
you can be today. Be great for me.

- Can you be great for me?
- I can do it for you.

But not for him.

Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Great.

All right, today's gonna be great.

- Uh, though this might be a problem.
- Hmm.

Yeah, I kinda pitted out
during that phone call.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[GRUNTING, SIGHS]

- sh*t.
- You okay?

Yeah, I just... I don't
love being a passenger.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, me neither. I get that.
- Mmm.

And autopilot can f*ck all the way off.

I'm supposed to put my life in
this thing's hands? No, thanks.

So you trust yourself

over a machine with
instantaneous reaction speeds?

Most people might say
that's pretty arrogant.

Mmm, yeah, well, most people
don't know how to drive.

That's weird.

What?

That's almost exactly what I
would have said in that moment.

Weird.

Yeah, weird.

[SIGHS] Hey, Carol,
bit of an update for ya.

You screwed me, Brad. The
NFT plan was a total bust.

Yeah, saw that.

I mean, the hate I expected,
but the money usually follows.

To be honest, I'm stumped.

- Stumped?
- Hmm.

Huh, Carol, you did it this time.

Put your life in the hands of an
ex-felon turned stumped janitor.

Mm-hmm.

And there is nobody to
be mad at but yourself.

Hi. Excuse me.

Just gonna get a couple
CLIF bars for the road...

- No. No, you ain't.
- Why?

Those are Carol bars and I
need every last one of 'em.

What are you even doing here with
your little, grubby otter hands?

Trying to steal things? You
don't even work here no more.

Could you go away?

- [BRAD SIGHS]
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Perhaps it's time for Carol

to take one of her
allotted mental health days.

I'm going to a cat café.

Well, I petitioned the company
for those, so you're welcome.

She's so annoying.

What's her problem?

- You're annoying.
- I didn't do anything.

It's your essence. Nothing you can do.

But also our NFTs aren't selling.

[SCOFFS] I could've told you that.

Gamers hate money grabs.
We can smell it a mile away.

What is this? Ooh, strawberry.

Wait, we?

Right.

Hey, what would you
have done differently?

I don't know. Maybe I
would've gotten, like, a...

Maybe I would've made,
like, a sidequest,

or, like, if you finish it, you get a...

I don't know, like a randomized NFT
item, like a w*apon or something,

or maybe like an exclusive skin,

and then you can take
that to other games.

Something like that
might've been kinda cool.

It would, huh?

I don't know, man. This
isn't really my job. I just...

- Hey, I was eating that!
- Later.

I can't believe I'm saying
this to you, but keep talking.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

What up, grunts?

Uh, hi.

Oh, man. You should see the
looks on your faces. [LAUGHS]

You're like,

"Holy sh*t,

did the Poppy Li just walk into
our shitty, little testing cube?"

Yes. Yes, she did.

You have no idea who I am, do you?

You're Poppy Li?

I'm the Poppy Li. The woman who
basically single-handedly built MQ?

Oh, yeah, she's the one
who eats outta the garbage.

- Cat lady.
- Shut up! I'm not a cat lady.

Okay, you two are about to become
a very minor part of gaming history,

because you're about to be the
first people to play my new game.

Oh, we'd love to, b... uh,
but we're working right now.

Uh-huh. Yeah, you're working for me.

I told David that I'd do
him a couple of coding favors

in exchange for some
bodies to put on my things.

So, I own you for the day!

Oh, I'm sorry, you own us?

Oh. No. No, not like that. Not...
Stop looking at me like that.

[STAMMERS] No, we
traded you like horses.

So we're animals now?

Shut up! Stop finding bugs in
me and find them in Hera, okay?

If you can. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] All right, well,

I'll be back in a few
hours to rattle your cages.

Not that. To check on your
progress. Human progress.

- Please pick up. Please pick up.
- [PHONE RINGING]

Hi, David, I'm here.

I've got a ton of intel on our target.

I'll debrief you when you get here,

but the headline is he came up clean.

Also, he had a protein shake.

Wait, sorry, w-what
are you talking about?

You wanted to know what
he had for breakfast.

What? No, that was just an expression.

Look, Jo, I'm stuck in Cerritos traffic,

so the navigation says
I'm gonna be a little late.

But I'm not really worried about it.

You know these Hollywood
types. They're never on time.

- He's here.
- What?

Oh, damn it.

- Is he big?
- Super big.

Yeah.

I've been spotted. I
repeat, I have been spotted.

We are making eye contact.

[DAVID] Oh, okay, uh, Jo?

You're gonna have to entertain
him a little bit till I get there.

You said I didn't have to talk!

I know, but you're gonna
have to talk a little, okay?

I don't know what to say to
him. I have nothing in common

- with west coasters.
- You live on the west coast!

Okay, look, it doesn't matter.

Don't... Just relax, okay? Relax!

Just keep me in your ear, all right?

And, um, I'll, uh...
I'll stay on the line,

and I'll tell you
exactly what to say, okay?

What? This is getting confusing.

Trust me, it's not gonna be confusing.

- Joe.
- Jo.

- Right.
- Right.

Sorry?

[DAVID] It's confusing.
T... tell him to sit.

- Sit.
- Not like a dog.

Please. Sit, please.

[IAN] Okay. And we are here.

Wait, what is this? My
school's minutes away.

Why did the spaceship stop?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Well, right
in there they are working on

the most state-of-the-art metaverse
and AR technology in the world.

I want you to see it.

So we're gonna see all the
sh*t that hasn't come out yet?

Yeah. More than that, we're
gonna help drive the technology.

We dream it. They build it. [SIGHS]

That's some real Kevin Costner sh*t.

- Do you know Field of Dreams?
- Duh.

I... Can I just take a moment?

- I feel seen in a way that I just...
- Mmm.

... I normally don't. And I-I-I
want to take in the moment,

and I want to appreciate
it. So, thank you.

You're welcome.

All right. Let's go.

W-w-wait, we can just
walk right in there?

Yeah. Yeah, we're just gonna walk in.

And we're gonna be like, "Hey,
uh, can we see your sh*t?"

And they're gonna show it to us.

Do you know what I would do if
I were a white guy for a day?

You know what I would do if I
were a Black woman for the day?

- Two words.
- Megan knees.

- Yeah. I was gonna say Megan knees.
- [CHUCKLES] Really?

- Yeah. How did you know that?
- We're in sync. We're, like...

Do we have some sort of,
like, telepathy going?

We do.

[DAVID] Jo? Jo, why is
it silent? Say something.

Mr. Brittlesbee will be here shortly.

Uh, he just got stuck
in traffic coming from...

- Don't say Cerritos.
- Beverly Hills. Where he lives.

[DAVID] Good, Jo. Good.

Oh, no worries. Are you a producer too?

- No. I'm... I'm the assistant.
- Say "producer."

Producer. On the film.

Assistant producer's a cool gig.

- Say "totally."
- Totally.

And I just have to say
I'm a longtime MQ fan.

I've been playing forever.
[STAMMERS] Seriously.

I mean, I play a lot of video
games, but MQ is the best.

Really? So you're, like, a nerd?

- No. Don't call him a nerd.
- Yeah. I mean, and proud of it.

Oh. Uh, well, t...
tell him I'm a nerd too.

I'm a nerd too.

No, me. Not you. Tell him,
"Mr. Brittlesbee is a nerd."

Cool. I won't tell anyone.

- [DAVID] That's a joke. Laugh.
- [LAUGHS]

- Not weirdly.
- [LAUGHS]

Stop everything you're doing.

[GROANS]

Don't be sad, Phil. You crushed
it. k*lled it. m*rder*d it.

- [INHALES SHARPLY] But it was all wrong.
- Right.

And now we're gonna be doing
something completely different.

Exactly. Rachel, go.

Me?

Yes, you. Tell him what you told me.

Uh, okay. [CHUCKLES]

So, uh, the reason that

no one is buying the NFTs
is because they're sh*t.

- [ARTIST ] Oh, my God.
- [ARTIST ] Seriously?

Great start.

I'm so sorry. Your work isn't sh*t.

The... The art is not the
problem. It's the story.

You know, we can't just
keep selling items to players

and expect them to be happy.

Um, but if we, you know, attach
it to something they can earn,

something they can,
you know, get for free,

- that could be cool.
- [BRAD] Mm-hmm.

You know, build the community
and then the money comes later.

Great. So start completely
over with that in mind.

Um, can you guys give me one second?

Mm-hmm.

I'm just...

So, what were you guys thinking
about the character of the Masked Man?

Mmm. Well, we're thinking he's...

Say "understated."

- ... understated, of course.
- [DAVID] "But fiercely protective."

Also fiercely protective.

Sounds like my Chihuahua.

- Another joke. Laugh.
- [LAUGHS]

Now, what if... the
Masked Man were German?

- Oh, God. J... just say "fascinating."
- Fascinating.

Guess what I'm pitching is
black-and-white foreign film.

Say "fascinating" again.

- Fascinating again.
- Yeah.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Oh. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Not a good time, Phil.

And, by the way, why are you calling
on my personal phone? All right?

If you're calling about business,
then call me on my "bidness" phone.

Sorry, David, I'm... I'm
not sure what to do here.

Am I supposed to be taking orders
from the janitor and his assistant?

What?

I'm not his assistant.
I don't even work here.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

The janitor and his friend?

Look, I don't know why you're
bothering me with this right now.

- [DAVID] I do not have time for this.
- Huh?

Uh, sorry, not you.

No, I was just, uh... I was just saying,

i-is it me or is it chilly in here?

- Jo, okay...
- It's Phil.

[LAUGHS] David doesn't
even know who Phil is.

Yeah, shut up, Phil.

- Yeah, I'm a little cold. [CHUCKLES]
- Would you like my jacket?

No. No, do not take his
jacket. That is a power move.

I'm not gonna be asking
him for his jacket.

I swear to God, I will
end you, Phil. Be quiet.

- That's very kind, but I am fine.
- Hmm.

I got this.

Where is our waiter? Must not be a fan.

- Another joke. Laugh.
- [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] David, hey it's Brad.

- Brad?
- Brad?

Brad?

Pitt. Brad Pitt. He's another actor
we're considering for the role.

- [DAVID] What?
- David, just say "approved."

No, do not say that to Joe.

I'm not talking to
Jo. I'm talking to you.

I mean, we love Brad for this,
but we would prefer you, of course.

- You know he's ' ", right?
- Hmm?

Hire a ' " actor,
get a ' " performance.

I just want the janitor to
pick a direction and stay there.

Oh, my God, Phil, do
not bother me right now!

And never call me on my personal
phone! Only call me on my "bidness"!

- [CAR HORN HONKS]
- Ow.

You know what? This is weird.

This whole thing is f*cking weird.

- Is it?
- Say yes. Just say yes.

Please don't say yes.

Do you guys have genuine interest
in me for this role or no?

Yes. Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes.

Yes! Yes!

Yes. I heard "yes." Thank you, David.

Well, you heard the executive producer.

Looks like we got a "yes."

Uh, we'll just check back with you
first thing in the morning. Great?

Uh, this seems super shady.

You'll get used to it.

What?

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Yeah. Pretty amazing, right?

The latency fixes, the haptic
feedback. I have so many ideas.

Yeah, me too. Like, I
loved all the AR stuff,

but I feel like we
gotta get past glasses.

Like, maybe even past lenses.

What about eye drops?

Like fully augmented reality
with just one drop in each eye.

A neural link comm
system where everything is

fluid, free-moving and instantaneous.

Every thought, every idea,
accessible everywhere by anyone

with zero interface of any
kind slowing anything down.

I think that defies the laws of physics.

Who gives a sh*t?

Oh, my God.

I just got goose bumps.

You did get goose bumps.
How did you do that?

I didn't.

Whoa.

[CHUCKLES] What?

- You're driving back.
- I am?

Yes.

[PANTING] Hey. Uh, keys. [STAMMERS]

[PANTS]

Hey, I'm here. I'm here. Don't stand.

Uh, where is he? Oh,
is he in the bathroom?

- He left.
- Right. No, really. Where is he?

I admitted I lied.

- What? No.
- I said you weren't commuting

- from Beverly Hills.
- No.

That you live far outside of town
and you just got stuck in traffic.

- Why would you do that?
- Because I wanted him to know

that you're a good person, a
great boss and, most importantly,

a young widower from Yorba Linda

dealing with the recent
passing of his loving wife.

- You lied?
- I had to, he was pissed.

- It was the only thing I could think of.
- [SIGHS]

All right. Well, what did he say?

He asked where to send flowers.

And he said he wanted to
meet you and talk script.

After the funeral of course.

Wait, so, he's still interested?

Yeah. David, he wants to do it.

Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES] Oh, my
God, that's... that's incredible.

We bagged a beefcake!

Yes! Yeah. We should celebrate.
Yes. Yes. Let's get drunk. Huh?

Actually, David, you should
probably hit the road.

It's getting late and traffic to
Cerritos is only gonna get worse.

Ah, but... [GROANS] Yeah. Yeah.

You're right. Yep. This
time of day traffic's brutal.

All right, well, back in the car.

- Hey, um, good job.
- [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Hollywood producer.
Assistant producer.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[IMITATES BUZZER] Time's
up. [CHUCKLES] What you got?

Uh, nothing. Didn't find a single bug.

- See? I told you I was good.
- Yeah, you're top-notch.

Not at picking up on social cues,
but you're an incredible programmer.

Okay, enough. Quit hitting on me.

So, uh, what else did you like about it?

You want our opinions?

Nobody wants our opinions.

- They told us that on the first day.
- And every day since.

Well, yeah. Your opinions are worthless,

but I might find them
amusing, so go on. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, well, like we said,
technically speaking it's perfect.

Duh. Obviously.

Architecturally speaking, it's awesome.

Well, tell me something I don't know.

Uh, it just wasn't...

Fun.

Fun? Wait. What do
you mean? But... Wait.

Don't... Press the door open. Fun what?
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