03x09 - A Farewell

Episode transcripts for the TV show "What We Do in the Shadows". Aired: March 27, 2019 – present.*
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documentary-style series about the lives of four vampires who've "lived" together for hundreds of years in Staten Island.
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03x09 - A Farewell

Post by bunniefuu »

GUILLERMO: Let's try this.

What does this look like? Huh?

Nandor's deprogramming is
taking longer than we thought.

Bat. Okay, let's try this. Who am I?

[WITH ACCENT]: "It's me, Nandor.
The world's greatest vampire."

I'm you.

[SIGHS]

Okay, how about this?

COLIN: Well, well, well.

Seems like what we have here
is a failure to communicate.

The prisoner will be reminded
not to try to bend these bars,

- or he might just end up getting the prod. [SCOFFS]
- [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]

[COLIN LAUGHS]

It's, uh... it's, uh, getting hot.

[CHUCKLES]: It got hot.

Can I have the... Thank you, Nandor.

NANDOR: So, it has come to this?

My own friends imprisoning me

on the word of my own
simpleminded familiar.

- Bodyguard.
- Familiar.

NADJA: Nandor, we are
just trying to help you.

I mean, look at you. You
are clearly brainwashed.

NANDOR: I am not brainwashed.

For years I have single-handedly
held this house together.

- [SCOFFS]
- You mock me.

You disrespect me, you contradict me.

Uh, no, we don't.

Laszlo.

You are the laziest
vampire I have ever had

the misfortune of meeting.

Thank you.

Born with a silver d*ck in your mouth.

- Huh.
- Never even lifted a hand to help me in this house.

- Nope.
- Because they were both too occupied

giving constant self-pleasure.

Nadja, you openly laugh and mock me

for my romantic tribulations.

- [STIFLED LAUGH]
- Which are a cause of great pain for me.

And when it comes to matters
of the Vampiric Council,

when I say to do A,

it is guaranteed that
you will say, "Do B."

Uh, do me next. This is fun.

I would not even remember your name

if it was not written
on a piece of paper

that I keep in my pocket at all times.

- sh*t, Nandor. That's low.
- Yeah.

That wasn't as fun as
I thought it might be.

And you!

I finally find a place where I am happy.

You drag me away from my
new life back into this hell.

I'm sorry, Master.

I am sick and tired of
being sick and tired,

which is why I've decided
there is only one solution.

It is time...

for me to take a Super Slumber.

- No, no, no, no. That's... No.
- [GASPING] Oh, it can't be.

- That's a terrible idea.
- What's happening?

What's happening?

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

A Super Slumber is an act performed

by the most desperate of vampire.

It is basically a vampire hibernation.

It is performed when times are
particularly hard for vampires.

A way of sitting out
a bad epoch in history.

The Super Slumber consists of a vampire

- [SNORING]
- sleeping for either years, years,

or worst-case scenario,

up to years.

It is a choice worse than death.

Those who enter Super Slumber fall

into a dark, dreamless existence.

When they wake, they are
weak, pathetic, empty,

- starved nothings.
- And every human being they knew is dead,

and every vampire they knew
is scattered to the four winds

and started a new life without them.

It really is the most desperate
measure for any vampire.

And it must be respected.

[SOBBING SOFTLY]

I wish it had not come
to this, but it has.

Perhaps we will see each other again.

But probably not.

[CRYING SOFTLY]

- Nandor, if I may?
- Yes.

[CLEARING THROAT]

[SOBBING]: "Nandor the Relentless,

I have enjoyed our time together

- at the Vampiric Council where we have achieved so much."
- Mm.

[NORMAL VOICE]: Because
together we get it done.

[SOBBING]: "May this Super
Slumber ease your pain,

and may you awaken to a world

that is kinder to you
than we have been."

Thank you, Nadja.

- I, too, have written something.
- NANDOR: Yes.

"Nan."

- That's it.
- [NADJA SCOFFS SOFTLY]

Sorry, old chap, I thought I'd
written more, but I haven't.

- [COLIN CRYING]
- Thank you for that kind word.

There, there, Colin Robinson.

Let not my departure upset you.

No, it's not that. It's just...

I can't help but think
that you're doing this

to get out of coming to my
th birthday party tonight.

[CRYING]

I did not even know that
it was your birthday today.

And that's another reason I'm crying!

Okay, well...

kind of thought this moment was
gonna be a bit more about me,

but, uh, anyway, thank you all.

And now, I bid you all farewell.

- [CRYING]: Oh, farewell.
- Farewell. Farewell.

And... [SNIFFLES]

Don't film us like this.

[NORMAL VOICE]: Colin, come on.

- [CRYING RESUMES]
- Eat sh*t.

[SIGHS]: Aye. Thank you.

Let go of my hand!

[GROANS]

I wish you weren't doing this, Master.

[SIGHS]

My dear Guillermo.

You will miss me. Close the lid.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]



[CREAKING]

Please, guys.

Does everything have to be on camera?

Just... can you please
just give me like a minute?

Just please.

[BANGING]

[BELL TOLLING]

Well...

what's done is done.

[COUGHING]

[GROANS] I come bearing news.

Why can't you use a f*cking
door like anyone else?

What's the point of being
able to turn into smoke

if you're just going to
go around using doors?

- What is your news?
- [CLEARING THROAT]

"The Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council

has invited you to receive

a delegation from the Old World...

- [LAUGHS]
- ... here at your home,

with the intent of inspecting

the progress you've made thus
far in running the council."

LASZLO: This is a huge honor for us,

but like all huge honors,
it's a pain in the nutsack.

- But a huge honor all the same.
- Yes.

I have always dreamed of
meeting someone important.

No one important ever
came to our village.

There was one time that
the rubbish man came

to collect all the sh*t,
and he assigned, uh,

pieces of rubbish for the
children and autographed it.

We danced for the next three months,

so you can imagine this is just...

Wow! Very exciting for me.

And when will this
delegation be arriving?

Let's see, on the night of...

tonight.

- What?
- At the hour of : .

: tonight?

- Mm-hmm.
- NADJA: This is all very, very soon.

Maybe they could come tomorrow night,

and then we could
really lay on a really...

The Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council

does not shift things
around in their book!

All right, all right. Keep your hair on.

I've already arranged for some
local vampires to come round

for Colin Robinson's birthday.

The more the merrier.

- Wait. I... I have to share my birthday party with a...
- NADJA: Yes!

You're lucky to have a birthday party!

It's true. And now, you
and Nandor should prepare

some remarks about running
the council together.

- They're very intrigued.
- GUILLERMO: Well, the thing is...

[NADJA STAMMERS]

- : is perfect, thank you.
- GUIDE: Wonderful.

[OTHERS COUGHING]

Geez Louise.

- Ideas?
- I should wake him up?

- We'll just wake him up.
- GUILLERMO: I should wake him up.

- Wake him up.
- Okay.



Master?

Master, I'm sorry.

Master?

NANDOR: Who is there,
and what is going on?

Sorry, it's me, Guillermo. Sorry.

[CREAKING]

[YAWNING]

Wow.

years really went by so fast.

- Well, that's because technically...
- Oh.

Guillermo, you look awful.

- Okay.
- The ravages of time have not been kind to you

and your formerly boyish face.

Okay, well, it's because it...
not a lot of time has gone...

- Tell me.
- You've been asleep for minutes.

Then why are you waking me up?!

This is not an emergency at all.

But we have told everyone

that we are coleaders of the council.

Fine. I hereby relinquish my control.

You are now sole leader.

Congratulations, long live the Queen.

- Good night forever.
- But the delegation is going to think...

- Nandor, come back. Come back.
- [GROANS] What?

Why don't you just delay your
Super Slumber a couple of days?

You wouldn't miss Colin
Robinson's birthday.

- Why do you have such a cock up...
- Why would I give

- a flying f*ck about that?
- ... for Colin Robinson's birthday?

Just inform the delegation
that I was a thr*at to power,

so you k*lled me.

You rule without mercy, remember?

- They love that sh*t.
- That would be a humiliating end for you.

Who cares? Not me.

So, good night, forever.

See you in years, probably not.

Master, I really wish
you weren't doing this.

Again with the "make me a vampire" sh*t?

No. No, no, I don't even
care about that anymore.

- I just... I don't want you to go.
- [GROANS]

So just stick around
for the next years,

and we'll be together
again when I wake up.

I'll be years old, aka dead.

You don't know that.

So maybe you should
spend the next years

practicing to be less of a pessimist.

- I'm closing the lid now, thank you.
- No, w...

[LOUD BANGING]

- NANDOR: Guillermo!
- Sorry.

Just boarding your door.

[NEIGHING]

Guillermo, what time is it,
and where is Colin Robinson?

- : .
- [NADJA GROANS]

And he's on his way.

sh*t, you haven't signed his card.

[MICROCHIP VERSION OF "THE
HAMSTER DANCE SONG" PLAYS]

That's Colin Robinson's favorite song.

- Oh.
- Oh, good.

You guys added "The Hamster
Dance" to the playlist.

- [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
- I... I want to make sure you gather around me

in a circle when I do the Humpty Hump.

You betcha.

- [GROANS]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, they're here! Everyone
line up. Positions.

[GUIDE CLEARING THROAT]

[GUILLERMO CLEARING THROAT]

The Contessa Carmilla De Mornay.

GUIDE: This is Contessa
Carmilla De Mornay.

She's , years old,
possibly did it with a horse.

[SNICKERS] Contessa,
it is such an honor.

The pleasure is mine.

Please, if you make your way upstairs,

your blood banquet awaits you.

- Oh! Thank you.
- [CLEARING THROAT]

Dominykas The Dreadful.

GUIDE: This is Dominykas The Dreadful.

It is said that he started the fire

that b*rned down the great
Library of Alexandria.

- Well, me and another guy.
- [LAUGHING]

Dominykas The Dreadful's
human lady friend, Coco.

- NADJA: What?
- LASZLO: What?

Okay, uh, so this is...

My companion.

- Partner.
- Girlfriend.

[CHUCKLES] She keeps me young.

Yeah, we're engaged to be engaged.

I don't want to put a
label on what we have,

- which really is so special.
- Welcome. If you head upstairs,

the blood banquet does await.

GUIDE: You know he's not going to die.

You're not going to get his money.

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- I'm gonna do the Humpty Hump later.

NADJA: [GASPS] This gentleman
needs no introduction.

He's very well-known to me.

This is Quinn, the great vampire.

Right-hand man of Deacon
Frost of the House Erebus.

Just a role I played. Donal Logue.

- So nice to meet you.
- Wait, so Donal Logue is

- on the Worldwide Vampiric Council?
- Yeah.

I kind of got jumped
in after Blade came out.

But you are a vampire, yes?

Yes. Kind of a funny story.

I was not a vampire when I filmed Blade,

but it was such a fun sh**t

and I sort of fell in
love with the lifestyle,

so I decided to jump
in and go whole hog.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Donal.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

NADJA: Please, head upstairs, everyone.

- The blood banquet awaits.
- And it's my birthday.

[QUIET CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

Do you happen to have any
human food for my consort?

She doesn't like blood,

and she doesn't care much
for grown-up food, either.

Uh, Guillermo, do we have a... Oh.

- DOMINYKAS: Okay.
- NADJA: Bon appétit. Your wish is my command.

[LAUGHING]

There you go and voilà.

- [GASPS]
- Chicken nuggies for the young lady

with a side of spaghetti
with only butter.

- [RETCHES]
- Oh, my gosh. Okay, we need the name of your chef.

Do you have any ranch?

Ranch for the human consort!

COCO: Oh, my God, she's loud.

More blood, anyone?

- May I?
- Oh, of course.

- That is what they're there for.
- Oh, thank you.

[GRUNTING]

Exquisite. [CHUCKLES]

You must try him, but just a sip

- and pass him along.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you for sharing, Donal.

I say,

has everyone remembered to sign
Colin Robinson's birthday card?

[NADJA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

You have all met my
wonderful husband, Laszlo.

[QUIETLY]: f*ck off, Laszlo.

So, where is your coleader?

The famed Nandor The Relentless.

Ah, um, good... The Nandor, yes, um...

Nandor was a thr*at to my power,

so, uh, in order to run
the council correctly,

I, um...

had no choice but to... [CLEARS THROAT]

k*ll him dead.

- You what?
- [GASPING]

GUIDE: Excuse me?

- Excellent work, Nadja.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

- How deliciously cutthroat.
- Huh.

You got to do what you
got to do and you did it.

I cannot hate on that.

- [WHOOPING]
- Oh!

[LAUGHS]: I k*lled him.

In order to pay our final
respects to a vanquished foe,

could we...

see his body?

- Fix it.
- Okay.

Nothing would make me happier

than seeing the dead body
of your vanquished foe.



Master? Master? Master?

- [CREAKING]
- Master?

You are kidding, right?

I have been in Super Slumber for, what,

minutes? Half an hour?

- It's actually been two hours.
- Oh, great.

A nice two-hour-long Super Slumber.

I've had orgasms that have
lasted longer than that.

- Really?
- Yes!

And it's not as pleasant
as it might sound.

Well, as you know, the
delegation is here, and...

- Get to the good bit.
- Well, you need to pretend

to be dead so the delegation
can come see your dead body

and make sure that you're actually dead.

Why did you not just bring them in

and show me in Super Slumber?

A state that so closely resembles death

no one would ever know the difference.

Well, what if you accidentally woke up

in the middle of them
looking at your body?

That's a good point,

but I think the point I'd like to make

in countering that point is:

no one accidentally wakes up

- from a Super Slumber!
- Oh.

Not unless you come in
here and wake them up.

- Okay, well now that's... that makes... that's clear.
- Is it, though?

Because it really seems like
it's not quite sinking in.

So... can I...

Yes, fine, just bring these dummies in

and show them my dead body
so we can get this over with,

and I can finally
commence my long overdue

- and this time completely uninterrupted... Hey!
- NADJA: Guillermo?

CARMILLA: Yes, a dead body.

NADJA: Guillermo? Is the
body ready for viewing yet?

- Yes, Mistress. It is.
- [CLEARING THROAT] Okay.

Everybody, come around. Please.

We're going to take a very quick look

'cause it is going to be very sad.

- GUILLERMO: Very quick.
- NADJA: Okay.

- DOMINYKAS: Front row seat.
- Reveal the corpse.

All right.

- And there it is and that's enough.
- And then we...

It's just a very great
loss for vampiredom.

- Mm-hmm.
- Very sad.

He truly was one of the greats.

Was he, though? Eh.

As a warrior, yes, he was.

As a vampire, he was... okay.

Pretty good.

The jury is still out
on his legacy, I suppose.

- I don't disagree. Nandor The Relentless,
- we hardly knew ye.

May he sleep well.


- Yes.
- You know, we grow so weary of eternal life,

and yet when we come
face-to-face with eternal death,

it really makes you think
about big things, doesn't it?

CARMILLA: Yes, it does.

Speaking of big things,

I have heard that in addition to being

a ferocious and merciless warrior,

that Nandor The Relentless had...

Yes!

I have heard this as well.

DONAL: Heard what?

Oh, how to put this respectfully?

Uh, it is said that he had one
of the most impressive members

- in all of vampiredom.
- [NADJA SCOFFS]

Both in length and in girth.

- Well, that's true.
- GUIDE: Is it?

Um, I've heard... I've
also heard it said.

- [CLEARING THROAT]
- Shall we take a peek?

- Just for funsies?
- Oh.

- No.
- Just for funsies.

Oh, I-I think that would
be very disrespectful.

Dude is f*cking dead. It's
not like he's gonna care.

I, too, want to see this
massive dong with my own peepers.

Something to tell the
grandkids about when I get home.

Familiar, reveal his member.

With all due respect, Contessa,

- I'm not a familiar.
- [GROWLING]

Reveal his member.

[HISSING]

Of course.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

As you wish, Contessa.

Here you go.

- Step aside.
- [GASPS]

Hmm.

- DONAL: Hmm.
- DOMINYKAS: Well, there it is.

Hmm.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Huh. What do we think?

It seems pretty average to me.

Not substandard but...

nothing special, really.

- Mm.
- GUILLERMO: I... I also heard

that he was more of a
grower than a shower, so...

I don't think so.

Okay, well, we... we've
done that now, so...

Look, I am not saying it's small.

No. No, it's not small.

- No.
- Maybe it was the density of the member

that earned such acclaim.

Oh, no.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Hmm.

Anything of note?

No, it seems to be of average weight,

and, uh... what's the
word I'm looking for?

Pliability?

I guess so. It's not...

Oh! "Wiggliness."

Yeah, just seems like a
standard mid-tier pecker to me.

- Hmm.
- Anyway, back to the blood banquet.

- Is it this way?
- Yes! Everybody this way, very quickly, come.

[CHUCKLES]: We don't want to...

- CARMILLA: Thank you.
- [SIGHS]

- Lovely to see.
- DOMINYKAS: Well, that was...

much ado about nothing.
Is there a sanitizer?

DONAL: Nandor could've benefited

from just a touch of rigor mortis.

Thank you for that, Guillermo.

A wonderful send-off.

Now close the f*cking
lid and get out of here.

Yes, Master.

So, now let us raise a glass of blood

to our guests and to ourselves.

Vampires now and vampires forever.

- [LAUGHING]
- Vampires forever!

Like we have a choice.

Well said, my darling, well said.

You are a tough act to follow.

But indeed I must, for
today is an auspicious day

for a couple of reasons, one of which...

we are joined by such esteemed vampires.

The other happens to
be the th birthday

of our housemate, our friend,

and the energy vampire, Colin Robinson.

NADJA: Okay, why not?

Yes, uh, let us raise a
toast to Colin Robinson.

[CHUCKLES FORCEFULLY] Cheers.

- [CHUCKLES] So, if every...
- LASZLO: I remember

the first time I met Colin Robinson,

I thought to myself, "How can
one man be so f*cking dull?"

[LASZLO CHUCKLES]

It's true to say,

he's left his mark on Staten Island.

It's also true to say,

he's left his mark on my heart.

This is a wretched world
that we find ourselves in...

full of cruel, disgusting people.

His main crime was that he's dull.

I don't even particularly
like the fellow.

I mean, I can't stand the man,

but I'm proud to call him my friend.

Please be upstanding for Colin Robinson.

- Bravo!
- And again, Colin Robinson.

So, if you would like to
make your way to the library,

we have laid on a live f*ck show.

- [LAUGHS] Yes, that's right.
- CARMILLA: Ooh!

You can take your clothes
off on the way out.

- GUIDE: Right this way.
- NADJA: Yes. [CHUCKLES]

DONAL: Live f*ck show?

What the f*ck was that?

No one even knows who Colin Robinson is,

let alone gives a bloody
piss about his birthday.

- Why are you so obsessed with him at the moment?
- My darling.

- Colin Robinson is dying.
- What?!

GUILLERMO: What?

Colin Robinson will be dead by sunrise.

[NADJA GASPS]

LASZLO: There's nothing
we can do about it.

I've known for months.

The very first time Colin and I were

in the Vampiric Council Library,

he began searching for information

about energy vampires

and how they're made
and where he came from.

I knew there was a page
or two on energy vampires

in Edmund Wheelwright's
Compendium Vampirium.

But what I found shocked me.

"Energy vampires," it said,

"have a life expectancy
of exactly years."

Why are you ripping that
page out of that book?

I'll wank my way and you wank yours.

On their th birthday

they expire.

So, does Colin know?

He doesn't.

I haven't had the heart to tell him.

And eventually, I realized,

better for the poor
bastard to not know at all.

Better for me to show him a good time

during his last months of life.

[LAUGHING]

COLIN: Just the dudes.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMING]



And I feel I succeeded,

- but I also feel this could be the beginning of...
- Uh...

Hey, guys.

I think I'm gonna pass on
the... the f*ck-and-suck show.

I'm feeling a little funny tummy.

I'm gonna skidoo and
lie down, take a nap.

Party on, dudes.

The dying has begun.

- [FLATULENCE]
- LASZLO: Ooh.

NADJA: Hello, Colin Robinson.

- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- [FLATULENCE]

- GUILLERMO: Hey, buddy.
- Hey, dudes.

Sorry I... I'm ruining
my own birthday party.

You know what, though?
I feel like I'm rallying.

Maybe we can have some
birthday fun after all.

Oh, no, no, don't exert yourself,

- dear friend.
- [COLIN COUGHS]

- No.
- [FLATULENCE]

- Oh, okay.
- GUILLERMO: Oh.

[SINGSONGY]: That awkward moment.

No, it happens to the best
of us, doesn't it, boys?

You know? Is there
anything we can get you?

Can someone please fetch me a, uh,

diet ginger ale for my funny tummy?

He'll do that, and in the meantime,

I think you should just recall

the last years' worth
of fun and friendship.

Yeah, actually I kind of feel like

the first years of
my life were wasted, so...

- [FLATULENCE]
- Starting tomorrow,

Colin Robinson's motto is
"young, dumb and full of cum."

Well, that sounds marvelous, and, um,

if anyone else has anything to say,

I would say now is the time to say it.

GUILLERMO: Okay, Colin Robinson,

I know that sometimes you...

Did you fetch him the
ginger ale for his tummy?

- Can I speak?
- Well, his stomach's not gonna repair itself, is it?

- Can I just speak please?
- Speak.

Colin Robinson...

- I know that we're not related, you and I or anyone.
- [FLATULENCE]

- [SNIFFS]
- He farted, not me.

- Carry on.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

- [GROANS]
- And I was gonna say that

we don't treat each other, sometimes,

with the upmost respect or kindness,

but in a weird way we're still a family.

We're like a big family here.

[FLATULENCE CONTINUES]

I'll be right back.

Diet ginger ale.

LASZLO: For his tummy.



[GRUNTING]

NANDOR: Hello, Guillermo.

Did you bring more people
to yank on my pee-pee?

No, Master.

[CREAKING]

Colin Robinson is dying,

and I figured we should
all be together for that.

[GROANS]

[CRIES SOFTLY]

Oh.

You're too late. He's gone.

- He's dead?
- NADJA: Yes.

He let out one last quiet fart,

a gentle one, and then he expired.

[WHIMPERS]

You guys are really
incredible, you know that?

This f*cking guy is not dead.

Nandor, he's dead.

Do you not remember the
last time he was dead?

When we dug his grave and
we buried him in the ground,

and it turned out he was
faking it the whole time

just to get attention.

And that was like the
fifth time we'd fallen

for his, "Oh, I'm dead" thing.

- Yes, well, this time it is real, Nandor.
- Enough!

Wake up, Colin Robinson.

Hey! Wakey, wakey!

Don't make me tickle you now.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Enough of this sh*t.

Hey!

- [NADJA GASPS]
- Oh!

Uh-oh.

Guess he wasn't faking it.

Well, this is very sad.

[MATERIAL'S "WORD OF ADVICE" PLAYS]

♪ If after having been
exposed to someone's presence ♪

♪ You feel as if you've
lost a quart of plasma ♪

♪ Avoid that presence ♪

♪ You need it like you
need pernicious anemia ♪

♪ Don't like to hear the
word vampire around here ♪

♪ Trying to improve our public image. ♪

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