02x05 - Chase Gets Baptized

[bunniefuu]

♪ And forgive us our trespasses ♪

ALL: ♪ As we forgive those
who trespass against us ♪

♪ And lead us not into temptation ♪

♪ But deliver us from evil ♪

- I'd like to talk today about
- _

a very demonic show
called "Will and Grace."

While I do think the woman
who plays Karen is funny,

Grace lives with a h*m* man.

But Leviticus says, "If
a man lies with a male,

they shall surely be put to death.

Their blood is upon them."

[CROWD WHISPERING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You are embarrassing this
family and are in big trouble.

Wake up!

Maybe if church wasn't
so g*dd*mn boring.

- But what Leviticus...
- Safe another day.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- [CHEERING]
- [POP MUSIC PLAYING]

God, there's so many hot
people here. It's insane.

I know. Oh, I love the Soho house.

It's too bad I look like
sh*t for a living now

and do nothing but work.

Oh, you should go on Grindr here.

You could absolutely f*ck tonight.

I dunno. I'm still kinda nervous.

Oh, my God. Relax.

Everyone's on Grindr. I am on Grindr.

- Wait, you are?
- Yeah.

Just to get TV recommendations.

It's how I first heard about "Fleabag."

I mean, I did create a profile.

I just haven't pulled the trigger yet.

You did? Lemme see.

[LAUGHS] God, Cary!

This is the least sexy
picture I have ever seen.

It's supposed to be of,
like, your butt or d*ck.

Okay. I do not have pics
like that on my phone.

Ugh, well, I do. How about this d*ck?

No. That's Noah Centineo's.

Every person alive is
gonna recognize that.

Okay, fine. How about Lance's?

Can't believe I still have
this stupid thing in here,

but it was gorgeous, so it'll work

- till I guess they see yours?
- Okay. Fine. I'll use it.

Now, can you please stop
talking about dicks at church?

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ He f*cking slays all g*dd*mn day ♪

♪ And you know it ♪

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ So we should party in his name ♪

- ♪ Do real dope sh*t ♪
- Oh, my God.

I wish our church growing
up was as cool as this.

Sup, fam?

You guys as excited as I am?

Of course not, I'm the one
whose son is getting baptized.

- He's not your son.
- Ugh, great, this guy's back.

Yeah, no. He's not officially my son,

but perhaps one day you
will all be my children.

Okay. All right. Where is our mom?

Oh, she really wanted to be
here for this blessed event,

but unfortunately she was called

- to do the Lord's work elsewhere.
- [DING]

Madame Tussauds will
be closing in one hour.

Wow! That looks just like her.

That's because it is me!

- [SCREAMS]
- Look, we got a camera!

Wait, so why is Chase getting baptized?

- I didn't even know he was religious.
- Cary, this is a celebrity church.

You don't come here to worship.

You come here to be famous

or to collaborate with
other people who are famous.

Yeah. And we wanna keep moving Chase

more into the fashion world.

And this is where Kylie and Kendall
met to start their fashion line.

- Aren't they sisters?
- BOTH: Yes.

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Sorry. It's my agent.

You never have to
apologize to me, my son.

- Hello?
- Car!

- What do you say to being on Grindr?
- What?

Why does everyone want
me on Grindr so bad?

I got you a gig hosting a quiz show

that plays exclusively on the app.

So in between guys deciding
who they gonna f*ck,

they can guess where Cher was born

- to win a year's supply of PrEP.
- No! I...

I want acting roles.

There are so many TV shows now.

It's statistically impossible
for me not to be on one.

I just saw my upstairs neighbor
who's a shut-in on "Ozark."

So you know what? I'm not doing
this again with another agent.

- You're fired.
- No. No, no!

- [CROWD GROANS]
- Okay, Car, what was that?

[COUGHING]

Oh, my God. How did I just
get emails in six minutes?

Hi, there. I'm Lou.

This is Jagger and Seinfeld.

- BOTH: Hey.
- Holy sh*t.

I mean, hi. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry. You guys are all just so hot.

Everyone from my church growing up

- looked like a mean sack of flour.
- [LAUGHING]

- You're joining today, right?
- Oh, no. My client is.

I represent ChaseDreams.

Aww, that's too bad.

We were gonna invite you on
our Church trip this weekend.

Oh, thanks. But I don't
really, like, build houses.

Houses? No. We're going to Mykonos.

We're on Hailey Bieber's team,
and she has a photoshoot there.

So we were all gonna go
and take the church jet.

Oh, well. Bye!

Okay. Bye.

Seinfeld?

All right, The baptism will
start in just a few minutes,

so please take your seats. And
remember, the gospel of the Lord.

Drink water, you guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How was your call?
- Bad. I fired him.

- What?
- He never listened to me.

I've been submitting myself
for roles on Actors Access.

- Oh, Debra.
- 'Cause there are roles out there, like,

this morning I submitted
for a part on this new

"Riverdale" spin-off.

It's to play an elderly
teacher with dementia.

- And I am the exact right age for that.
- Yeah.

But I'm sure no one
will even see my tape.

But you know the producer of that show

- is a member of the church.
- What?

Yeah. You should talk
to him after the baptism.

I mean, Chase isn't the only one

who can make connections here.

Whoa, I absolutely will. Thank you.

Anything...

for my children.

And the Lord spoke unto
me and said, "My child,

you shall lead a church where all
celebrities can worship freely.

It shall be called ChristSong.

And thy name shall be Pastor Jax Dag!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- [CHEERING]
- Okay.

How's everybody feeling today?

[CHEERING]

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

I feel so blessed to be
here today as your pastor.

You know, I didn't always think
that I was gonna be a pastor.

I thought I was gonna have
my own prank show on MTV,

but God had different plans for me.

- Ew, this is insane.
- I know.

I'm getting, like, one email per second.

Now I can remember the first time

I ever felt the power of the Lord.

I was water skiing.

And I got up on the very first try.

[CHEERING]

I had never done it before,

and here I was, just crushing it.

- Wow.
- But today is not about me.

Today is about a new
congregant joining our church.

ChaseDreams!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Chase, my man... what made
you wanna get baptized today?

Uh, my manager said it'd
be good for my career?

That's beautiful.

But you know who your
real manager is, right?

It's the big guy upstairs.

And you don't give him %,

you give him %.

[CHEERING]

You give us %.

because starting today, we're family.

I shall be your father,

and you shall be my son.

Now, let's do the damn thing!

[CHEERING]

Father?

Son?

Do you, ChaseDreams Dubek,

as witnessed by all of ChristSong,

including four out of the six
Avengers... what's up, guys...

- fucks with God?
- I do.

Then we offer you all: Our strength.

Our guidance.

And if anyone sues you,

the full power of our
in-house legal team.

Amen.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Thus concludes today's baptism.
- Yes.

All baptized members are
now welcome to head upstairs

to join our exclusive VIP after party.

Everyone else can, I don't know,

- f*ck off?
- What?

No, no. sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Unless there is anyone else

who is moved to join the church today?

I am.

We're here to baptize another
new member of our flock.

Cary Dubek, adopted
brother of ChaseDreams.

Biological brother.

- But different mom?
- No.

- Different dad?
- Nope.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Do you, Cary Donald Dubek,

as witnessed by all of
ChristSong, fucks with God?

I do.

But could you not put
me all the way under?

The shirt still has the tags...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Eh...

[SIGHS]

God, I wish I was them.

Do you, Brooke

Wouldn't-Tell-Me-Her-Middle-Name-Dubek,

as witnessed by all of ChristSong,

fucks with God?

I do. But I think I'm
starting to get a little sick.

I don't know if that'll
contaminate the pool, or...

Nah. Chlorine kills everything.

I've been peeing in here all day.

What?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Now, let's head to the VIP section

to celebrate all my new children.

They're my children.

Um... do you

Streeter Peter Peters,

as witnessed by all of
ChristSong, fucks with God?

I... do.

[DARK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ I believe in what you are ♪

♪ Back on your feet ♪

Okay, so now that you're
part of the church,

I wanna be there for
you through everything.

I wanna hold your hand when
you get your first tattoo.

I wanna help you pick your wife.

And after you pick your wife,

I want you and your
wife to live with me.

Uh, speaking of tattoos,

you know, Pastor Dag isn't the only one

who knows his way around
the old ink parlor, so...

Whoa, Streeter, you have a tattoo?

Do I have a tattoo? Oh please.

I got this on / .

Not for / , I just happened
to be getting it that morning.

Anyway, a lot better than
those dumb goose wings,

- am I right, Chase?
- [LAUGHS]

They're angel wings, actually,

and they're for my late grandmother.

They're so cool.

Cooler than mine?

Hi!

Excuse me. Sorry.

Hey, girlies!

ALL: Hey!

We are so glad that you got baptized.

Yeah. Me too.

So can I still come with you
guys to Mykonos on your jet?

- I think you mean, our jet.
- Oh, my God.

- Our jet.
- Hailey wants to try

this new foie gras place when we land.

- You in?
- Duh! I love foie gras.

I have always pronounced it that way.

And if you want, we can have someone

- take care of your roots on the jet.
- Are you serious? I would love that.

I haven't had a second to
touch them up in months.

- [GASPING]
- We should do facials, too.

- Oh yeah. Yeah.
- Wow.

So, like, every problem I
have, you guys will just... fix?

ALL: Yeah.

Is this the promised land?

[ANGELIC MUSIC]

[CLEARS THROAT] Mind if I join you?

- I'm Cary.
- Dennis.

Congrats on being baptized.

What can I say? I... I love the Lord.

Almost as much as I love to act.

Oh, you're an actor? I'm a producer.

I should put you in some of my stuff.

Oh, uh, wow! Yeah, that...

that would be great. What kind of...

I'm actually casting a
"Riverdale" spin-off right now.

Oh, that's cool. I hadn't
actually heard of...

You'd be great for the
elderly teacher with dementia.

It's only two scenes and then
you die, but it's a great death.

Goldilocks kills you.

- As in, the three bears?
- Yeah.

They just kinda let us do whatever.

Anyway, part's yours if you want it.

Sorry, you're just giving me the part?

- Wha... what's the catch?
- No catch.

You're part of the church now.

We help each other out.

[ANGELIC MUSIC]

Curtis, you're not gonna believe this.

I just got cast in a
"Riverdale" spin-off.

Shut up! You did? How?

It's a crazy story. I got
baptized into ChristSong

because the producer
of the show goes here.

And he offered me the role just
because I'm part of the church.

Are you insane?

That church is horrible.
It's, like, crazy anti-gay.

What? No, no.

The people here are cool.

Cary, they don't let gay
people hold positions of power,

sh*t like that. You should Google it.

It's also weirdly anti-woman too.

You have to leave. You
cannot take that role.

Cary, hey. Just got back from
only peeing in the bathroom.

- What is happening here?
- Oh, these? [CHUCKLES]

I've always had these. You know,

the goose wings are for my grandmother.

- Are you trying to be Jax Dag?
- What?

Who the frig even is Jax Dag?

The man who just baptized you.

Yeah. And when he did, I
could feel his arm shaking.

It's weird to believe in God

when God made you so weak.

Okay. Streeter. I... I have to go.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Could we also get a dentist on the jet?

I've been working so much.

I haven't been able to
go in years. [LAUGHS]

- Brooke. Hey, sorry.
- Sorry.

Okay, get this. I got that part.

The elderly teacher,
he just gave it to me.

- What? Oh my God. Cary! Yes!
- I know.

But then I talked to Curtis and he said,

this church is anti-gay
so I can't take the role.

- Oh.
- But I was thinking

maybe I could still take
it, and stay in the church.

Because this role could
lead to other roles.

And then one day I
might be famous enough

to take down the church
from the inside, you know?

'Cause it takes power to enact change.

So in a way it would be anti-gay of me

not to take the role.

Uh, Cary, I love you,

but I don't think you
can take it, right?

- Like, morally?
- [SIGHS]

Anyway, I gotta get back to my girls.

We're planning our
Mykonos trip. [LAUGHS]

Curtis also said the
church is anti-woman.

So I do see what you
were saying earlier.

- Mm.
- About needing power to enact change.

- Right.
- This church is probably anti-woman

- because it's run by men.
- Hmm.

So I should stay in the
church and go to Mykonos.

And rise in the ranks,

and become its first female leader.

So your plan is to be the
leader of an anti-woman church?

- Ugh.
- Ugh.

You know, Curtis can sometimes be wrong.

- Yes. Yes. I have heard that about him. Uh
-huh.

Plus, it would be anti-woman to
listen to a man's opinion on this.

- Yes!
- So I should go find a woman

- and ask her opinion.
- And I should go ask more gay men.

- Just to be sure.
- Yep, absolutely.

- That seems totally fair.
- Great. Cool.

So where do I find gay men near me?

Oh, my God. Grindr.

No. Okay. I haven't even
used Grindr to have sex.

I can't use it to ask people if
I can be in an anti-gay church.

Cary, guys on Grindr
are up for anything.

This is technically that.

Okay, fine. Fine.

I'm gonna go ask gay
guys and you go ask women.

Or, you can go ask women
and I'll do the fun one.

No, I'm ready. I'm gonna go on Grindr.

And I'm going to go talk to women.

Okay.

[KNOCKING]

- Hey.
- Oh, sh*t. You've been in my phone this whole time?

Oh, you actually don't
have to... Jesus Christ.

I was actually just wondering... whoo,

look at that fat d*ck.

Nope, sorry. I just have
to ask you a question.

It's gonna be a little weird.

But I was offered a role on a TV show...

I'll run lines with you
after. That's not weird.

- Most guys ask to do that.
- Oh, no. I was offered a role,

but I have to be in an
anti-gay church to take it.

Do you think I could do
that? Probably, right?

Also you were really
gonna have sex with me?

Like, with that d*ck and those wet abs?

You saw me and you were like,
"Yeah, I'd have sex with him."

- Yeah. You're hot.
- Oh, my God.

- I think I'm going to pass out.
- But for me I guess I wouldn't take the role.

That just feels morally wrong.

Can I take off your shirt?

I would love that, but
I do have to go find

someone else to give
me the opposite answer.

- Okay. You do you.
- All right.

Mm.

Okay. Thank you. I should...

I should get going.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hello.

Hi.

Is your body nice and relaxed?

And more importantly, is
your mind nice and open?

- Yes.
- Now,

imagine you're lying on a
white sand beach in Mykonos.

- Mmm.
- You just got your roots done

on the flight over.
Doesn't that sound nice?

- Yes.
- Now, imagine to do all of that,

all you need to do is
join an anti-woman church.

What? No. Why would I do that?

Damn it!

- [FOOTSTEPS]
- [DOOR SHUTS]

Hello?

So do you think I can do it?

- Morally, I say who gives a f*ck?
- Yes!

Who gives a f*ck?

- Thank you.
- But you might eat sh*t online.

What's that, now?

I guess it depends how famous you are.

- Tony?
- Yeah?

- Do you know who this guy is?
- Um, no.

This is no one to me. Sorry.

No, I am no one.

It's like, "Cary Dubek?
Who cares what he does?"

Cary Dubek? Oh, my God.

- You're, like, famous.
- No. No, I am not.

I am no one. He just said...

Sorry, is this an actor I should know?

Uh, not really an actor.
More like just a host?

Exactly. More like just a host.

So you shouldn't know who I am.

- It's actually kind of weird he does.
- Okay. Hold on.

So Tony doesn't know you and...

- Bruce.
- Bruce does.

I think we need a tie-breaker. Curtis?

Yes? Cary, what are you doing here?

sh*t. Nothing. I was just...

Wait, are you trying to get permission

- from other gays to take that part?
- No, no, nope!

Okay, nope.

Absolutely not.

Bingo!

[WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Hey, my Texas lady!

I was just having a little problem,

- and I was wondering if you could help.
- Oh, sure.

Well, I just met these girls and
they invited me on their private jet.

I see the problem.

Jets are really bad for the environment.

Oh, yeah, no. That's
not the problem yet.

Anyway, we're gonna be winin'
and dinin' on foie gras...

Oh, now I see the problem.

Foie gras is a by-product
of animal abuse.

- Oh, that's not the problem either.
- Oh, it is a problem.

They force feed ducks to
make their livers fatter.

Okay. What is going on here?
Are you even from Texas?

Yeah. I'm from Austin.

f*ck!

I always forget about Austin.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Well, I was right.

- I hate women.
- Oh, I struck out too.

God, I needed this so bad.

I know. I know. God damnit!

And, like, I'm grateful
for my job or whatever,

but all I do is work.

I actually look forward to sh1tting now,

because it's the only time I can't
physically get up and do something.

And these girls were just f*cking nice.

And I don't know, it just seems
like things are easier for them.

Like, they get to go places,

and look like human
beings and have friends.

Maybe we can stay. Like, who will care?

- We're small fish. I'm on Cameo.
- Wait, you are?

Yeah. I charge $ .

- Oh, my God! We have to stay!
- Yeah.

And if people att*ck the church,

they're gonna come for the
really famous people, not us.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

I'm so f*cking dumb.

Chase.

They're gonna come for Chase.

I'm his manager, Cary. I have
to pull him. We have to go.

Did you guys know the
Body of Christ here

is a margherita flatbread?

[SIGHS] Um, hey bud,
I have some bad news.

This church's anti-gay and anti-woman,

so I don't think we can stay.

Oh. That sucks.

It's okay.

I think he just needs
time to process it.

I mean, it took us two
hours, and he's a child.

Hey guys, I just heard
some news that really sucks.

Apparently this church is
anti-gay and anti-woman,

so I have to leave without
even giving it a second thought.

Because when you hear
information like this,

that's what you do. You act.

Yes. That's right.

You act immediately.

I also then Googled
the church right away

just so I'd be properly informed.

Yep. 'Cause that's
what you do. You Google.

- You Google right away.
- Mm-hmm.

And I found a lot of bad stuff.

Apparently you guys
don't allow gay people

- to hold positions of power.
- Wow. Wow.

You guys are okay with this?

And you have a history of sexism

that goes all the way to the top.

This is so bad, you guys.

It also says some of your leaders

used to support conversion therapy?

Wait, I actually didn't know that one.

Is this church worse
than our old church?

Why do you guys all look so cool?

You're this anti-gay,
you should be like,

living in pig sh*t.

Not doing molly at the Soho House.

And Pastor Jax,

apparently your dad has some
weird allegations against him

that you helped cover
up using church money?

It says something to
do with little kids.

- Uh...
- Yes! Little kids?

- That's great.
- Oh, my God.

- What is this now?
- Wow.

You look like a fool,
Jax Dag. An absolute fool.

And this whole church
should take a good long look

in the mirror because if you did,

I don't think you'd like what you saw.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I'm taking my children,
and we are going home.

[TISKING]

Can I just get the name of the person

who does your roots on the jet?

- No.
- Okay.

Well, you shouldn't even use jets.

Even people from Texas know that.

[MUSIC STARTS]

I'm sorry about that, bud.

I really wanted you
to get a fashion line.

Well, that's okay. I don't care.

Oh, well, thanks. It's nice.

I'm sorry you didn't get
your thing either, Cary.

It's fine. I think I can actually go get

another thing.

[DING]

Bye.

I need a f*cking thing.

Holy sh*t.

That is what sex can be?

I'm glad you liked it.

And I seemed normal and good, too?

Well, I don't usually
give feedback, but yes.

So what do you do?

I'm a lawyer in D.C.
I'm just here for work.

Oh. Cool.

So we won't see each other again?

Oh, sorry. I just thought
this was a fun thing.

Yeah. Yeah, no. This is...
this is great. I've...

I've been meaning to do one of these.

I just was worried I
wouldn't actually do it.

- So this is perfect.
- All right.

But hey, I have a question.

Why does your d*ck look
so different on Grindr?

Uh, yes. So... sorry. I, um...

It's just so much bigger in person.

Uh, what?

Yeah. It's, like, bigger and better.

- It is?
- Yeah.

But FYI, you can't have a
d*ck as your profile pic.

This is amazing. I
have to call my sister.

- What? Ew! Why?
- Never mind.

Uh, can we actually have sex again?

- Because I just got very hard, very fast.
- Yeah, sure.

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ He f*cking slays all g*dd*mn day ♪

♪ And you know it ♪

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ So we should party in his name ♪

♪ Do real dope sh*t ♪

♪ Real dope sh*t ♪
♪ Real dope sh*t ♪

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ Better than any crush ♪

♪ Nothing 'bout him that's fake ♪

♪ And I know I'm gonna
need him for life ♪

♪ I'll never ask too much ♪

♪ I'll post him on my main ♪

♪ I can't wait until
he shows me my wife ♪

♪ He's never ending ♪

♪ He's always trending ♪

♪ And he deserves the best of me ♪

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ He f*cking slays all g*dd*mn day ♪

♪ And you know it ♪

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ So we should party in his name ♪

♪ Do real dope sh*t ♪

♪ Real dope sh*t ♪
♪ Real dope sh*t ♪

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Real dope sh*t ♪

♪ Jesus f*cking slays ♪

♪ Real dope sh*t ♪