02x25 - Whine Country

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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02x25 - Whine Country

Post by bunniefuu »

I'll pay you $5 if you eat that.

What?

The cheese you just dropped.

Eat it and earn
yourself 5 smackeroos.

No, thanks.

10. No.

20?

Doug, we have the
same bank account.

If I want to get $20 from
you, I'll go to the ATM.

I don't need to
eat dirty cheese.

True, but I got a 20 right here.

You can have it right now. Buy
yourself a new... brassiere.

Awful tempting, but still a no.

Will you give me 20 if I eat it?

No!

10? No.

5? Doug!

That's a bargain.

You're not gonna find
anybody to eat dirty cheese

for under $5.

I don't care!

I have no desire

to pay or be paid to
eat dirty cheese!

You take no joy in life, do you?

You trying to see
my combination?

No. I was just looking
at the, uh...

What is it, 10-2-38?

You were looking. And by
the way, you're wrong.

10-3-35? Nope.

Come on, give it up. I
thought we were friends.

Okay, fine. It's 7-8... 53.

Don't insult my intelligence.

Hey, come on. Are you ready?

Just one sec. I want to
talk to Roger first.

Why?

I want to see if I can switch
vacation time with him

so mine matches
up with Carrie's.

Hey, Roger, did you
happen to have a chance

to talk to your wife about
the vacation thing?

Oh, yeah. You can have the time.

My wife and I are
actually splitting up.

Oh, man, that's... That's rough.

That's really, uh...

So that's the 8th
to the 22nd, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry
to hear about that.

It's brutal stuff, you know.
Stay strong.

All right, how long before
I can start celebrating?

And... he's around the corner.

Whoo-chicka-taah!

So where are you guys
taking your vacation?

I don't know. We
haven't decided yet.

All I know is we're
going on vacation,

because Roger's wife's
saying, "Bye-bye, loser."

Not you. Different Roger.

Great RV.

Thanks. It's a
Roadbird Freedom 5000.

W-where are you headed?

Oh, wife and I just drove
down from Seattle.

Don't know where
we're going next,

but it doesn't really matter

when you're driving
one of these puppies.

Hey, honey! Fry me up
some steakums, will you?

You ever been in one of these?

Best vacation of my life.

MOTHER: Doug, come on,
it's the Grand Canyon.

The sun's about to set.
You're gonna miss it.

Coming!

MR. KOTTER: is the
second most painful day

in a schoolteacher's life.

HORSHACK: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yes!

Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, Dad.

"Planning a Trip to Paris."

What, are you planning
a trip to Paris?

You nailed it.

Doug and I are going on
vacation in a couple of weeks,

and I found these
really cheap flights

on the Internet.

Ah, Paris.

Last time I was there

was when we liberated it
from the Nazis back in '44.

Freedom rang again in
the City of Lights.

I also got the clap,

but that's a story
for another day.

Anyway, as far as this
trip is concerned,

thank you, but I'm going to
have to respectfully decline.

Huh?

Don't be offended. I'd
love to come with you.

It's just that I have a problem

on long flights.

I tend to panic and
sob like a woman.

Okay. Well, if you can't
come, you can't come, Dad.

Send me a postcard.

Okay.

Close your eyes. What?

Close this part
of your face now.

Okay. What is it?
What's going on?

Come on, come on.
Just come with me.

Okay. All right, Doug.

Don't try to feel me up
like you did last time.

Relax, okay. I just picked
up a little something

on my way home from work.

Okay. Okay.

Here we go. Okay...

Open 'em up

and step into the world of
the Roadbird Freedom 5000.

RV HOST: Do you like being
a sl*ve to the clock,

feeling compelled to
follow a certain schedule?

Or are you independent minded?

When you see RVs on the road,

do you wonder where
they're going,

where they've been,

and envy the driver's freedom?

Yes, yes, and oh, yeah.

Uh, Doug...

Don't think we're going in
an RV for our vacation.

Why not?

Because we are going to Paris!

I found these really
cheap flights

on the Internet.

No, no, no, no, no.
RV. Out west.

I got the video.

Okay, maybe you didn't
hear me, but I said Paris.

You know, as in Par-is,

the most romantic frigging
city in the world.

Okay? It's beautiful.
It's old. It's...

Okay, I guess the Grand
Canyon isn't old.

Yeah, yeah. They
just put that in.

All right, Doug, just...
Just come here.

Let me show you all the
stuff that I printed out.

Now, we don't have
to stay in Paris.

We could just be based there, you
know, and just travel around

to, like, the wine
country, the Loire Valley.

I-I'm sorry. The what valley?

Loire.

Okay, we're going
back to the tape.

No! Come on! I don't want
to see the tape again.

I don't think you understand
how great this is.

L-look what this man is doing!

He's driving around
in his living room!

Uh-huh.

And his wife is making him chili.
Where?

In the living room!

Okay, Doug. Listen
to me, sweetie.

You're... You're a good fellow.

I love being married to you.
I do.

Now, that being said, RV, N-O.

Okay. Okay, I see. I see.
You see what?

You obviously like being
a sl*ve to the clock.

You feel compelled to
follow a certain schedule,

whereas I am independent minded.

Don't quote from the video.

I'm not. I just thought of that.

I'm... I'm not giving in
on this one, Carrie, okay?

I'm not. You got your way
on all our other vacations.

When? When did I get my way?

Two years ago, when we
went down to Florida.

Yeah, and we spent
the entire time

at the Mets spring
training camp.

Excuse me. That was
research for my gambling.

Oh, please.

Okay, fine. Fine.

What about when we went to,
uh, Apple Country, huh?

But that was a weekend.

Of pure apple hell!

All right, Doug. Please.

Let's not fight
about this, okay?

All right. You're... You're right.
You're right.

Okay. I mean, this...
This is our vacation.

We're supposed to be having fun.

Have fun. Yes.

Let's just sleep on it.
We'll figure something out.

Figure something out?

I'm screwed, right?
Doesn't look good.

I don't want to go to Paris.

Can't I just run at her,
tape her mouth shut,

throw her in the
RV and drive off?

That's not against
the law, right,

if you're married, is it?

It might be. Yeah.

Hey, you could try
the guilt thing.

What do you mean?

You know, you come and you say,

"Hey. Let's go where
you want to go.

I want you to be happy."

And she thinks you're
being so sweet,

she'll turn around and do
what you want instead.

I'll try it, man. I
got nothing else.

Paris...

I'm from Paris. Look at me.

What accent was that?
I don't know.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, look. About the vacation...

I thought about it,
and I realized

you work hard,

and I know this time
is important to you,

so if you want to go to Paris...

Oh, my God. This is
gonna be so great!

No... no... no. No Paris... no!

Why did you just say we can go?

That's nothing you
need to know about.

The important thing is we
need to make a decision here.

How do you want to decide?

I don't know, but we
have to decide soon

or we'll never be able to
get plane reservations.

Or?

Or get bug spray or whatever.

It's obvious neither of us are
gonna budge on this thing,

so how about this?

How about... How about
we flip a coin?

Flip a coin?

You want to decide our
vacation by flipping a coin?

Yeah. If it's good enough
for the Super Bowl,

it's good enough for
the Heffernans.

Okay. Fine. Fine. Flip a coin.

Here you go.

You want to flip a penny. What
the hell is wrong with you?

What? It has two sides.

You are such a girl.

We're gonna flip
a quarter, okay?

And for future reference,

this is your smallest
flippable coin.

Okay, flip it.

Okay, here we go,

so, uh, let's say... heads,
uh, Paris, tails, RV?

Okay. Okay.

All right, here we go.
Tails never fails.

Oh. All right, well...

The important thing is

we'll have a great
vacation together...

speaking English.

But I will gladly make you

French toast every
morning, because I won!

Touché! No Paris, Carrie!

Oh, God.

Climb aboard!

What is this doing here now?

The guy let me take her home
overnight for a test drive.

Okay. Has a lot of horn sounds.
We get it.

Yep. She's got 28 of 'em.

She? That's right, she.

Okay, unless she has
boobies and a uterus,

that has to stop.

Come on, let me
give you the tour.

All right, then,

you got your driver's
cockpit right here...

That's right, I said cockpit...

With a powerful
Triton V-10 engine

humming underneath.

Over here, you got
your galley slide-out

with genuine leather
seating surfaces.

Oh, and this is great.

Built-in 25-inch television.

Think of the beauty
of it, Carrie.

If we're not getting
great reception,

we just drive to
wherever it's better.

Oh, and look here.

See this table? Folds
into an extra bed.

See how that works?

Bed... Table.

Bed... Table.

Yeah, it's two things. I get it.

Okay. Can I ask you a question?

Breaker 1-9. The
lady's got a question.

10-4.

Where do you go to the bathroom?

I'm glad you asked,
little missy.

You got your private
restroom quarters

right over here,

conveniently located right
off of the master bedroom.

See? You got all your privacy.

Nobody knows your business.

Hey. I can actually
hear you better now.

All right, what happens
if we use the bathroom

and we're out on the road?

Where does everything... go?

Well... you ride around
with it for a few days

until you find a
place to drain it.

Oh, my God!

You know what would be nice?

If you were remotely
on board with this.

How can I be on board
with this, Doug?

I-it's horrible.

Hey, I won the flip, all right?

I didn't force you to flip a coin.
You agreed.


Yeah, but you forced me
to flip a quarter, okay?

I had a good feeling
about that penny.

Well, all I know is if you
would have won the flip,

I'd be going to Paris
with a beret and a smile.

Oh, yeah, right.

I could just imagine what
a joy you would have been

when we're standing
in the Louvre

looking at 19th-Century
Impressionist art.

Well, we'll never know
that now, will we?

Now, this is gonna be fun.
You know why?

Because that's a table bed,
and that's pretty neat.

Yeah!

An RV? What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Maybe I could drop
something on Doug's foot

so he can't drive for two weeks.

Well, don't hurt him too bad.
He drives for a living.

Oh, they'll find him something.

Where do you even
go to the bathroom

in one of these things?

Into a pail,

which is behind a
piece of cardboard.

You gotta keep this
from happening.

I know.

I wish there was some way I
can get Doug off of this.

Darling.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hello, Kelly. Hello.

You're looking
gorgeous as usual.

Well, thank you, Mr. Spooner.

Oh, what a thing we
could have going

if it wasn't for
society's taboos.

Those damn taboos.

RV rental agreement.

What, are you agreeing
to rent an RV?

Yeah. We're doing that instead of...
the Paris trip.

No kidding?

Nothing I love more than
cruising the open road.

You think Douglas would
mind if I tagged along?

Actually, um...

he did say something
about a table

turning into a bed?

[STEPPENWOLF'S "MAGIC
CARPET RIDE" PLAYING

♪ On a magic carpet ride?

Oh, this is gonna be a
sweet road mix tape.

Are you sure you don't
want to take this?

Spence Olchin's

"Prom Party Through
the Night" mix?

Pretty sure.

Hey, "Sunglasses at Night",

"Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo...

Oh.

I... I guess you can't
drive to those.

This is a great tape.

Yeah. It worked great for you
on prom night, didn't it?

It's still a great tape.

Well, I'm fine with what I got.

I'm gonna be rocking my
way across the U.S.A.

I'll bet you didn't know

I played the mouth
organ, did you, Douglas?

Okay, first of all, please
don't call it that.

And second of all, why
are you playing it?

Because I'm coming on
the road with you,

you silly son of a bitch.

If you're willing to learn
to play the spoons,

we can jam all night.

What do you mean, you're
coming on the road with us?

In the RV.

That was quite
generous of you kids.

I know there can be
cramped quarters.

That's why I'm only
gonna pack this outfit

and a pair of silk underwear
I'll wash out at night.

Uh, will you excuse me?
I have to, uh...

Carrie!

What'd you do? What...
What'd you do?

What?

You invited your father!

You... You're trying
to ruin this vacation

out of spite, aren't you?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

He... He overheard me talking,

and he thought I
was inviting him,

and then he got so excited, I
just didn't want to say no.

I don't want your
father in my Roadbird!

Why not? We got that
great table bed, right?

Yes, we do.

But I don't want
to eat breakfast

on a table that recently
held your father's ass.

That's ass breakfast!

Well, Doug, you know, we
do have another option.

I mean, my father
doesn't like to fly,

so we could go to,
oh, I don't know...

Paris?

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Well, this is a side of
you I've never seen.

What do you mean?
What do I mean?

You think that if you invite
your father on the RV,

I'll back out, and then
we can go to Paris

like you wanted in
the first place.

No. No, no, no, no.

I just thought it would be nice
to have my father with us.

Oh, the lies!

You know what? That's it. Okay?

You know what you
just bought yourself?

A trip with your father.

Because I'm not backing
down on this one.

That's fine.

Fine, little sunshine sister.
Because that's the deal.

And as long as we're
inviting people on vacation,

watch this little ditty.

Spence!

Oh, yeah, it's gonna happen.

That... that... that's fine.
That's fine.

I... I like Spence.

You all, uh, packed?

Yep. You?

Yep.

Great.

Excited?

Oh, yeah. Excited.

SPENCE: Hold it, hold
it, I don't have it.

Move faster. It's heavy.

Dad, what the hell is that?

I bought a canoe.

I figured, why rent?

It'll pay for itself
after 50 uses.

We don't have room
for a canoe, Arthur.

I told you! Shut up!

If you hadn't been so whiny, we
could have snuck it by them.

Okay, back down.

Oh, man, what the
hell did we do?

We destroyed our
vacation, that's what.

You know,

now that my father and
Spence are coming,

the thought of you and
me alone in an RV

sounds like a little
slice of heaven.

What if we bolt right now?

We'll drive through the night.
They'll never find us.

Nah. They'll hear the
engine starting.

They'll run after us like dogs.

Well, we just gotta
bite the b*llet

and get this stupid
vacation over with.

No. No, that is not
acceptable, okay.

We got the Roadbird Freedom 5000
sitting right outside, okay?

I cannot... I will not...
Let that dream go.

Spence! Arthur!

Oh, my God.

Let me handle this, son.

Do you mean to tell me

we were never wanted
on this trip?

That we were just pawns

in some twisted little
game of marital chicken?

Dad, it's not like we
don't enjoy spending time

with the both of you... here.

Yes. Love you both... here.

This is an outrage.

This young man cleared two weeks
out of his schedule, as did I,

and this is a very
busy time for me.

Look, Dad, we are
very, very sorry,

but it is our vacation.

Well, it is our vacation too.

We have just as much right
to that gorgeous motor home

as you do!

It would seem...

that we are at an impasse.

All right. So how do you
want to settle this?

Well...

I guess sometimes
tails does fail.

♪ On a magic carpet ride?

MAN WITH SOUTHERN
ACCENT: Hey, Clim.

Check out that old man and
that funny looking boy

by the camper.

The boy's got an
awful pretty mouth.
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