04x25 - Shrink Wrap

[bunniefuu]

Dad, will you please drop it?

I won't!

You're being insane!

I just want to be
properly groomed!

That's the opposite of insane!

This has nothing to
do with grooming.

It has to do with you trying to
get your hair dyed for free.

Tinted! On your left.

The point is, I am
not schlepping you

to some beauty
school in Brooklyn

just so that you can
save a few bucks.

It's not to save a few bucks.

I want to help the Paul lemond
students learn their craft!

Need the butter, thanks.

Douglas, do you think my
request is so insane?

Go ahead, tell him, Doug.
Tell him how insane it is.

I don't want any trouble.

Ok, all right. You
know what, dad?

Fine. If you want
to go so badly,

here is money for a cab.
Go to Brooklyn.

Get a mohawk, have a ball.

I don't want your filthy lucre.

Ok, your lucre's in my toast.

Well, I am not driving you,

so if you want to go,

you're gonna have to hitchhike.

So some trucker can
have his way with me?

You'd love that!

Yeah, I'd love it if
he drove off with you.

How dare you!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Perhaps you should be
asking that of yourself.

And we're back.

Why would you try to dye
your own hair? Why?

Because you wouldn't
drive me to Brooklyn!

Excuse me. I just need a beer.

And congratulations, dad,

you've managed to ruin my sink.

And why black hair dye?

I mean, what's that about?

The drugstore was out
of summer auburn.

Besides, I think I
look quite dashing.

Dashing?

You're dripping
like bad mascara.

You should know!

Why wouldn't you just
take the $20 I gave you

and call a cab? Hmm? Why?

It was a matter of principle!

Principle?

Oh, ok, what principle
is that, dad?

I pay for your room,
your food, your clothes.

What principle won't allow you
to take my money for your hair?

Oh, couldn't even get the bat off
your shoulder on that one, huh?

Because my room,
food, and clothing

do not grow out of my head!

That's the difference.

Well, well.

Now who can't get the
bat off their shoulder?

Good night.

Turn the light off, hon'.

Turn the light off?
Turn the light off?

Yeah.

Did you happen to notice that a
lunatic just came into our room?

And now he's gone, so can
you turn the light off?

Carrie!

What are you so upset
about all of a sudden?

This kind of thing happens
almost every day.

And it's not natural.

Other people don't
live like this.

I know, 'cause I see
them on my route.

Ok, they're happy. They
smile, they sing, Carrie.

We don't sing!

What do you want me to do, Doug?

He's just a crazy,
difficult old man.

Yeah, well, there must be things
you can do with crazy old people.

What? Like get him his own
corner on 48th street?

I don't know. All I'm sayin'
is, I can't take it anymore.

Look, I'm gonna lay
it on the line here.

If you wanna keep gettin' this,

you're gonna have to do
something about that.

Ok, which way you leanin', here?

All right, Doug,
maybe you're right.

We could take him to see a
therapist or something.

Therapist?

I was thinking more
along the lines

of a big cage.

Why don't we try this first?

Yeah, but therapists,
aren't they expensive?

No, we'll just take
him for one session,

just so the guy can get a
sense of who he is, you know?

What goes on in his mind and
give him some really good dr*gs.

dr*gs. Yeah, yeah. That's good.

That's what they do with cranky
old people now. They dope 'em up.

Yeah.

Let's bring him in,
get him altered.

I'll check into it tomorrow, ok?

Ok. All right.

Let's go back to sleep.

Hey, as long as we're
up, you, uh...

You want some of this?

Good night, honey. All
right, good night.

So, Arthur, how do you
feel about being here?

I despise it with every
fiber of my being.

Psychiatry is for the
weak and the decadent.

Then why did you agree to come?

I was promised a steak dinner.

A fancy steakhouse, not sizzler!

Who exactly was that
directed towards?

My daughter and son-in-law,

who are obviously observing
me in the waiting room

through this 2-way mirror.

It's a regular mirror.

And the waiting
room is over there.

Fine. We'll play it your way.

Well, as long as you are here,

is there anything you'd
like to talk about?

Nothing you want to
hear, my friend.

What do you think
I want to hear?

Oh, I suppose all the
usual moaning and crying.

Oh, doctor, please help me.

I was an unhappy child.

I wanted to k*ll my father
and make love to my mother.

Damn, you're good.

But my most frequent
childhood fear

was that I would lose my voice,

that one day I
would try to speak

and no sound would come out.

Aha.

Does that mean I'm gay?

No.

It could mean you feel like
you're not always being heard.

Yes, of course.

Which is perhaps

why you developed a
tendency to scream.

Amazing. How did
you know I scream?

From before, when
you screamed at me.

Sorry again about that.
I didn't realize

you were just making
notes on your pad.

I thought you were
drawing my caricature.

Let's talk more about this
issue of not being heard.

Can you remember a specific
incident from childhood

when you felt that way?

Oh, can I ever.

It involved something very,
very close to my heart.

Hey, Arthur, do those
dumb things even work?

I'm looking at your
skeleton as we speak.

Getting those glasses was the
happiest moment of my life.

You mean up to that point?

No. Ever.

Hey, Arthur,

I thought dad said you
couldn't have those.

Where did you get
the money anyhow?

Don't tell him.

I won it pitching pennies
against whitey dugan.

Damn.

Hi, dad.

Hey, there, skitchy!
How's it goin'?

Good.

Hi, dad.

Arthur.

Say, what's that on your head?

These are just my
regular glasses.

Really?

They always had those spirally
circle things on the lenses?

Sure.

Don't lie to me, boy.

I can check with
your optometrist.

They're X-ray glasses.

He bought them with the money
he won pitching pennies.

What?

Et tu, skitch?

I thought I told you any money
you win pitching pennies

goes right into skitchy's
college fund, huh?

It was just 15 cents, dad!

Please, dad, don't throw
'em in the trash.

Oh, don't worry, I won't.

Happy Birthday, skitch.
Thanks, dad.

Now go to your room!

I hate it here!

Those glasses meant
the world to me,

but you couldn't hear
that, could you?

Instead you had to
give them to skitch,

your beloved, your golden boy.

Skitch is a smart kid.
He's going places.

He's gonna be arrested 9 times

for stealing women's shoes.

Hey, you want to join
yourself in that bedroom?

You can't intimidate
me any more, dad.

Oh, God.

Get back here!

You want a piece of me?

You're gonna have to come
through my psychiatrist.

Ooh, what have we here?

Big fancy park Avenue
headshrinker, huh?

What's the matter,

couldn't make it
as a real doctor?

I'm just here to observe.

Oh, are you, Mary?

Uh, let's get out of here.

Well, Arthur and I have had
a very interesting hour.

I think, perhaps, there are ways

to bring about an improvement
in the situation

you've been having at home.

Hey, listen, if, uh,
there's anything we can do

to... to help
Arthur feel better,

please, you know,
just say the word.

Absolutely.

So is the pharmacy in the
lobby still open, or...

Yes. Why?

Well, if you can write
a prescription now,

he'll be much
happier by tonight.

May I continue? Please.

Arthur, by his own admission,

is a man who struggles
with not being heard.

The more he feels like
he's not being heard,

the louder he screams,
literally and figuratively.

As you know, he is a screamer.

Not in the gay sense.

Anyway, a pattern has
obviously developed

wherein Arthur assumes
that the 2 of you

will consider his desires
to be extreme or frivolous,

and thus he tends to live
down to your expectations.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I do. We do.

So, uh, does the pharmacy
take insurance, or...

You're not gonna write him
a prescription, are you?

My only prescription is more
validation for this man.

Listen to him. Hear him.

Let him be who he is.

Hey, dad. Whatcha
got goin' on here?

Making candles.

Candles?

Yes, I always wanted to make and
sell them out of my own home.

Ok, first of all, my home.

Second of all, I eat
spaghetti out of that.

Well, well.

I'm not feeling very
validated right now.

No, no, no. No, no, dad.

We support you all the way.

And by the way, we do validate.

We just want to make sure

that this is something you
really, really wanna do.

It is.

Ok, then.

Oh, um.

Just try to watch
out for, you know,

burning the house down.

Roger that!

Ok.

"Let's take him to a therapist."

Wow! You're smart.

All right, I thought the guy
would just medicate him.

Did I know he was a
"validation" quack?

I say we just bail
on this right now.

We can't.

I'm the one who made
him go to a shrink.

If we blow off what
the guy says now,

my dad will never
listen to me again.

Things will just get worse.

There's a man with glaucoma

pouring hot wax in our kitchen.

How much worse can it get?

Anyone want a candle

that looks sort of
like melvyn Douglas?

I do!

Mind if I hang this
over the mantel?

Permission to start
a bluegrass band.

Don't mind me.

This is just for my documentary.

I'd like to get a large parrot

and name it Douglas.

F.Y.I.,

the lippman's will be
spending the night.

I'd like to get another
parrot that lives,

and call it Douglas the second.

Actually, perhaps I should wait

until I get the rest
of Douglas the first

off the side of the garage.

Hey, Arthur.

Hello.

Hey, how's the, uh, bluegrass
band workin' out for you?

You got any gigs lined up?

No, it never really got goin'.

Mickey cracked his tooth
blowin' into the jug.

Uh-huh.

Hey, so when am I gettin' my candle
in the shape of Rusty staub?

Uh, that's not gonna happen.

Unfortunately,

hot wax and hairy forearms
are a volatile mix.

Right, right.

Hey, how's Douglas
the second doin'?

I'm sorry.

Hey, look, Arthur, is there
anything else you need?

Or, you know, anything
you want to buy or...

Or build or immerse yourself in?

'Cause we're here to listen.

No, no. I'm... I'm
quite fine, thanks.

Think I'll go grab a little nap.

That shrink is a genius!

What?

He knew what he was
doing all along.

We just kept validating Arthur
until he punched himself out.

I... I... I can't even describe
to you how I feel right now.

Carrie, I swear to you,
I've never been happier.

I've never been more miserable.

The adjustments you've
been making at home,

the listening, the validating,
that's not working?

Well, it's working for
my father, I guess.

Now that we give him
everything he wants,

he doesn't want anything.

No more crazy demands,

no more screaming,
no more fighting.

It's what Doug's always wanted.

He's happy, but I'm miserable.

Well, let's explore that.

Hey, doc, listen to me, ok?

I don't need to send
your kid to college

to find out what I already know.

And what is that?

That I like to fight.

Obviously, on some level,

I enjoyed fighting
with my father,

and now that we don't
fight, I miss it.

If you knew that, why'd
you come to see me?

Um, well, I was hoping
that you could, um,

prescribe me
something, you know,

to kind of take the
sting out of it.

Uh-huh. Well, since we
have the whole hour,

why don't we talk about
your fighting issue?

Wow, you really don't like to
take that prescription pad

out of the holster, do you?

Fine!

I'll talk about my
"fighting issue."

What do you want, like a
childhood memory or something?

It's up to you.

Ugh. Ok, fine.

Sheena Easton sucks!

She does not. She's the best.

You're stupid!

I'm not stupid, Carrie. You are.

You are!

And that outfit, not
your best look.

You see?

I liked to fight even as a kid.

Are you convinced now?

Well, I see what you're saying,

though I find it interesting

you picked this particular
memory to use as an example.

I picked it because it was Lucy
McDonald's birthday party.

She was my best friend.
Let's go back.

Not just yet.

Why? So you can finish eating?

That cake is 22 years old.

It's good,

and I'm not really a cake guy.

What's happening over there?

Please let this be a
Barbie dream house.

Please, please, please.

I hope it's not.

Why did you say that?

I thought Lucy was
your best friend.

She was. I don't know
why I said that.

♪

A Barbie dream house! Yay!

Damn.

Why are you upset?

'Cause Lucy got what she wanted.

But you love her. You
should be happy.

Well, I'm not.

What is wrong with you?

A bee! A bee!

Now you're happy?
That's demented!

She's demented!

Help! He's gonna sting me!
He's gonna sting me!

Actually, it is kind of funny.

"He's gonna sting me! Aah!"

♪

Oh, my God.

I'm only happy when other
people are miserable,

and I'm miserable
when they're happy.

Is that it?

I'm afraid

we're out of time.

I'm really not
following you at all.

It's very simple.

You are a happy
person by nature,

and I am not.

Ok, look. You are here,

and I am here.

When my father was
acting like a maniac,

that made you unhappy,

which brought you down to here,

closer to me,

which made me happier

because now I had some company.

How you doing so far?

Keep going. Ok.

Now that my father's
calmed down,

you are back up here,

and I am stuck down
here by myself.

You are happy, I am
not, and I hate that.

So when I'm unhappy,
that makes you happy?

Well, not happy, but happier.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm
a little shaken by that.

And you should be.
That's my point.

Don't you see? No.

Doug, I am not fit
to be with you.

You're sane and
healthy and nice,

and I'm evil!

Carrie, hey. Would I marry evil?

Don't... don't touch me.

My wife won't let me touch her.

Does she usually?

Yes.

Yes, it's just the thing is...

The thing is she's convinced now
that everything is her fault.

That she's a bad
person or something.

Do you agree?

No.

No, she's great. I
mean, I love her.

Then what do you think
the problem is?

I was kind of hoping,
for the $80,

you'd tell me.

I can't do that.

Does that make you
angry with me?

What? No, no, no.

Are you sure?

Yeah, no. I'm... I'm sure.

Really? Because your neck
is starting to perspire.

Look, I'm not angry!
Leave me alone!

I said, leave me alone!

Hey, Mr. mazzio told us
to clean the erasers.

That's all I'm doing.

Cut it out!

What's the matter, Heffernan?

You're afraid of someone
smaller than you?

You could kick my ass if you
weren't such a chicken.

I don't want any trouble.

Why am I taking crap
from that little runt?

I don't know, maybe
you are a chicken.

What?

Hey, punch him in the face.

I don't wanna! You punch him!

I'm not punchin' him. Get in
there and punch him in the face!

No!

Is that who you grew up to be?
An I.P.S. Driver?

Loser!

Ok, you know what? That's it.
Get in there and fight him.

Quit shoving me!

Oh, jeez!

What a freak show, huh?

I don't judge.

Wait!

That's it. I... I
finally figured it out.

I do have anger,

but I don't like confrontation
with other people,

so I take it all out on myself!

Knock it off!

Sorry.

So it turns out, by avoiding
all the confrontation

that's been going
on around here,

I actually caused the 2 of you

to have more conflict
with each other.

So... so... so really,

it's my problem at the
root of all this.

Oh, please! If you 2 are happy
with the new situation,

then clearly, I'm the
one with the problem.

Who says I'm happy?

I thought you were.

Are you kidding?

Being agreed with and validated?

I don't know who I am anymore!

I'm suicidal!

But, dad, if we go back
to the way things were,

then you and I will feel better,

but then Doug will
be unhappy again.

We can't have that.
He's a good man.

But, Arthur, I don't
want to stay happy

if the 2 of you are unhappy.

You're right. That
would be very unfair.

All right, so what we're
dealing with here is,

basically, only 2 of us can
be happy at the same time.

What do we do?

So they're gonna keep fighting,

and I'm gonna come for
therapy once a week.

How's Thursdays at 6:00?

It's perfect.

I'd also like to write
you a prescription.

That'd be great. Thanks.

So why do you think

food has become such an
important factor in your life?

Gee, I don't know.
That's a good one.

I guess, 'cause, you know,
food doesn't call you names

or say you're stupid.

It's always good.

Yes. Thank you.

Sometimes I feel like food
is the only friend I have.

Hey. Come here.

Get off me, lard ass!

You are so dead
after this session.