01x07 - The Crush & The Crossbow

[bunniefuu]

Harley Wilkes was your father. He left you his practice.

Sure are taking your time with that bandage, Doc.

Wade: If there's anything I can do to repay the favor, you know where to find me.

I guess I'm just not that kind of girl.

Wade: Is this why you stopped our little frolic the other night?

You got googly eyes for golden boy George?

Hello there, Dr. Hart.

Are you sure you want to be seen talking to me?

Yeah, I'll take my chances.

Zoe Hart has flipped some New York switch in you, and you are just not the same person anymore.

Lemon: You know how difficult this is for me.

Lavon: Difficult never stopped me.

I'm so sorry that I don't know what I want.

Can't believe you've gone this long without tasting Agnes's sweet tea.

It's a Southern staple.

I'm not really into sugary things.

It's not that sugary.

Well, not if you compare it to her grape lemonade or... a cup of sugar.

Shep! How's it going?

Well, how do you think it's going?

Ever since you started that steak of the month club, I spend every fourth Tuesday being chased by gators.

Now, I'm pretty attached to my legs.

I'd like to stay that way.

And I got a package for you, Dr. Hart.

It's from your mom.

Nice note.

Seems like she had a good time down here.

Glad you two made up.

Shep...

Huh?

We'll see you around. Okay?

Yeah, whatever.

[Laughs]

Oh...

Cashmere. That's nice.

My mother doesn't do nice.

She definitely doesn't send a package without an agenda.

There's obviously...

One of your friends got married?

My college roommate.

There.

So your mama was being nice.

Lavon, you so don't understand New York mothers.

She sent this to imply that my life is at a standstill while everyone in New York is moving on.

Look at Sophie, she's married, in private practice, while you're doing a whole big fat nothing.

"Thought I would enjoy this," my ass.

Big Z, no offense...

I mean, it's not like you, you working on a social life here.

A, it is impossible to have a social life in BlueBell.

Who am I gonna date, Crazy Earl?

And B, it doesn't matter, because I'm only here for work.

And it just so happens that I find my work very rewarding.

[Snuffling]

A pig?

You want me to stitch up a pig?

The vet's all the way in Mobile.

Please, ma'am, he's our mascot.

So, you single?

[Squeals]

Miss Breeland, I-I'm sorry, I just can't.

Listen, the entire Junior League was counting on you.

I'm sure, but...

I'm afraid I'm double-booked.

NASCAR and I do a lot of work for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and there's a lot of kids in Birmingham that really...

Okay, let me tell you something, Mr. Brian Vickers.

You may think that you take your life in your hands every time you take the wheel, but you have not known true fear-- until now.

Because I am siccing the entire BlueBell chapter of the Alabama Junior League on you, and we will be watching, and waiting until the time is right... to strike.

You take care. It was such a pleasure to meet you.

You say hello to the children for me.

It was nice meeting you as well.

George: Hey, Brian.

Hey, dude.

You okay, man?

Ah, man, I'm...

Tell her I'm sorry.

I'm... terribly sorry.

Let me guess, he cancelled?

The day before the event.

I promised that I could deliver a major NASCAR driver.

Now what am I supposed to tell Delia Ann and the rest of the Junior League?

That he cancelled?

George, the turtle race raises money for ecological purposes.

It's a, it's a very important cause.

The cause... is great, but, I mean...

The race?

I mean, you gotta admit, it's... it's a... it's a little silly.

Oh, honey. It's okay.

No one expects you to come.

Okay, what are you saying?

[Whispering]: Everybody knows that you're afraid of reptiles.

Okay, I am not afraid of reptiles!

Okay? I'm practically poker buddies with Burt Reynolds the alligator.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Just those... racing turtles are a little... well, they're a little unpredictable.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, that Margaret Mitchell got me in the arm last year.

Dearest, it's okay.

You know what? Tomorrow night you can just go off and do whatever you want.

Have a good time.

Baby, I'm serious.

She bit me.

They bite!

Zoe: Okay. And how long have you been experiencing the symptoms?

The mild headache and the hangnail.

Couple weeks.

Few days. Don't know.

Is it true you're from New York?

Yes.

How long you been in town?

A couple of months.

So is the pain all over your head, or just in the front?

You dating anyone?

It just so happens that I'm taking a year off from the dating scene.

Mm.

I'm supposed to be asking you the questions.

Wow, look at that, headache's gone.

You are a great doctor.

Wait, what?

I'll just take my lollipop and skedaddle.

I'm sorry.

I didn't see the sock on the door of my medical practice.

What's eating you?

All my friends in New York are evolving: going to openings and parties.

First-run movies.

Getting married in the New York Times.

When I get back to New York, I'm going to be like one of those astronauts from Avatar, who were shoved into sleeping pods and wake up with a year of their life just gone, while not advancing their surgical skills or their social life.

So, start dating.

I mean, you might meet somebody wonderful here.

I know I did.

[Chuckles]

Oh, honey.

[Kissing]

Bill, you are absolutely right.

He is?

Mm-hmm.

I may only be here a year, but I need to evolve, too.

I should date.

Now, I don't expect to meet my perfect match in BlueBell-- I'm not banana balls-- but it's time to get out of that sleep pod thingy.

Put a little life experience under my belt.

Yeah. I'm gonna date.

Zoe: I don't understand.

There must be some single guys in BlueBell.

Shelley: 'Course there are.

Well, I do gut my own fish.

And a good fish gutter is so hard to find.

Tom, I've told you before, you're just too young for me.

[Snorts with laughter]

George: Well, Shelley, thank you for the grub.

Keep the change. And you...

I heard that you, uh, stitched up our Bo.

Bet it's the first time you ever had to do anything like that.

What? No. I-I... I did a farm rotation in med school. Mm-hmm.

Udder bypasses.

Beakectomies.

Goat-o-suction.

Right.

[Laughs]

Well, you have a nice day.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

Oh, honey, don't tell me.

George Tucker is the absolute opposite of single.

Which means he's...

Taken. I know.

I don't like George.

There's got to be some other guy in this town.

Someone... like George, but single.

Well, there's always Wade.

You did nearly hook up with him a couple weeks ago.

Yeah, and that was a mistake, mistake, mistake!

Why don't you just give him a chance?

And then tell me all about it.

[Wade chatting]

Oh, hey, Doc.

Shelley.

Uh, two beers.

And two more for my wife.

Anyway, so he's drunk, and the other one...

Brian Vickers bowed out?

It's not a problem.

I'll just find somebody else to cohost with me.

I'll just... call that agent in Mobile, and we'll just drum up some other sports celebrity.

But why?

We've got our own local legend right in town-- Mayor Hayes.

Oh, no.

We can do much better than that.

I disagree.

Excuse me?

Obviously, I am not a fan of the man.

But it's time for this league to face the fact that the man is astoundingly popular.

It's settled.

Ask him this afternoon.

But...

I'm sure I didn't hear a "but."

Of course you didn't.

[Laughing]

It's such a great idea!

ZOE : Wade is married?

How could I not know this?

We didn't know they were still married.

But how? Who? Huh?

About four years ago, Tansy and Wade were messing around for a few weeks.

Then one night, they get rip-roaring drunk and come back married.

Just like a bad sitcom, except instead of Vegas, it was a shrimp boat in international waters.

Only lasted about four months, 'cause they fought all the time.

Thought they were divorced, but apparently...

There are no single men in BlueBell.

[Knock on door]

Excuse me.

Hi. Uh... Dr. Hart?

Dr. Judson Lyons.

I'm a vet up in Mobile.

Uh, hi, Dr. Lyons.

I just wanted to thank you for that wonderful job you did on Bo.

I've never saw subcuticular sutures on a pig before.

Oh. It was nothing.

May I ask you to dinner?

As a thank you?

You're kidding.

And by that, she means, "Hell, yes!"

♪ ♪

I-It's nice.

I don't want nice!

I want to knock him dead.

I want va-va-voom.

Is it va-va-voomy?

Z, isn't there a girl around you could ask?

Come on, Lavon, I am so excited.

Okay. The vet, Judson-- that's his name--

Oh, we love Jud.

He treats Burt Reynolds.

There's not many vets out there who make house calls for alligators.

Yeah, he seems kind of awesome.

[Chuckles]

We didn't talk for too long.

But he is handsome.

He loves animals, and he's a doctor, too.

And guess what?

What?

We're going to an actual restaurant!

I've never been on a first date in a restaurant before.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, right. I should probably mention that I haven't been on a date in eight years.

Eight years?

How is that possible?

Well, my ex-boyfriend and I were together for six years, and that was just a study session that turned into a hook up that turned into six years.

Oh, wow.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello.

Oh, my, what a nice dress.

Oh, goodness, I am so sorry for your loss.

I presume you're off to a funeral.

Mayor Hayes, we have a favor to ask.

We all know you're incredibly busy.

As are we. So why don't we just get this over with, and you can go ahead and say no.

Usually I like to hear a request before I refuse it.

Request is, will you do us the honor of cohosting the Junior League Turtle Derby with Lemon?

Again, we know that you have many civic obligations and couldn't possibly, so...

It's an important town event for charity.

And cohosting with Lemon Breeland-- that sounds delightful.

[Annabeth laughs]

My idea.

Dr. Hart, Dr. Hart, hi.

Well, hello there.

Hey, Tansy, how's that hangnail?

Oh, we both know there was nothing wrong with me.

Just came by to check out this electricity-hogging New York princess.

Wade's been complaining about.

He is my husband, you know.

Yeah, so I've heard.

Mazel tov.

Wade's a great guy.

Well, ta-ta.

My husband and I have somewhere we need to be.

Wade: Baby. Hi.

Ba-bam.

Mwah.

We gonna do this or what?

Tansy: Yep.

[Both laugh]

We're getting a divorce.

Tucker, give us the papers.

Well, hello, Wade.

Hey, Tansy.

Hey.

Uh, let me just grab 'em real quick.

All right, okay, I'm a-- I'm assuming not much has changed since I drew these up four years ago.

Uh, still no children?

Still no...

Money, right, which is why we were hoping you're working on commission today.

Yeah, that's right, buddy; We'll just add it to your tab.

Can't believe we never got around to signing it.

I did try, like, four times, but you, you had that thing with your mom and then vacation in Branson, so...

I've been real swamped, but, come on, it hasn't been so hard being married to me.

As far as wives go, I've been pretty undemanding.

You have been pretty easy on that whole fidelity thing.

Okay, so, um, before you sign the divorce papers, there's a question I always ask my clients, and that is, uh, are you sure that the two of you have done everything in your power to save your marriage?

[Wade laughing]

Well, I ain't seen her in a year, we haven't slept together in three, so, uh, it's hard to say.

What do you think, Tans, one more roll in the hay just to make Tucker feel better?

[Tansy laughs]

That's not necessary.

I'm afraid my fiancé might take issue with that.

Oh, right. Wait a minute, you-- she-- you're engaged?

Yeah. So Wade and I trying to work things out now would be a mite awkward.

All right, then, I think it's time the two of you go ahead and sign those papers.

And for that legal advice, you're gonna charge us a hundred bucks?

Come on, man.

Ooh, look, there's a Woody Allen festival in Mobile.

Judson and I could go after dinner.

Hate to break it to you, Zo, but people outside of L.A. and New York don't really do Woody Allen.

Really?

That's interesting.

I think I'll add it to my flash cards.

"Why don't you like Woody Allen?"

You got to be kidding me.

What?

I make a list of potential date chitchat.

You don't do that?

"If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?

Also, why are you on death row?"

You can't be serious.

How else am I supposed to have an interesting conversation?

If it's the right person, conversation will just flow.

I'm not really a flow-y kind of person.

Of course you are.

You know, I know you don't like to talk about your boyfriend in New York.

The one who dumped me in the lobby of a hospital a week before I moved here?

No, I do not.

And I get that, I get that, but let's just try and remember just for a second what it felt like in those first days of falling in love, so full of possibility.

Yeah.

I love Bill, but sometimes I'd give anything to have a magical first date again, sharing secrets, sharing dreams, finding someone to share your soul.

Wade: All right, divorced.

Finally.

Hey, just so you know, you're the best wife I ever had.

[Laughs]

We did have some good times.

Remember that night that we made our own moonshine?

[Sighs]

I do recall we found some pleasant ways to occupy our time.

Thanks for being such a good sport about everything, Wade.

I have met a great guy, and this time, no shrimp boat.

I am going to have the whole white veil, garter, cake in the face, everything, and this time, I think it might actually stick.

[Car horn honking]

I can't wait to meet him.

Um, yeah, about that, Colt's a little jealous, so I actually think you two should probably not interact.

Seriously?

Thank you.

You are the best.

[Honking continues]

Yeah, dang, you're a sexy creature.

[Laughs]

[Grunts]

Say it again.

Colt: I said you are a sexy creature.

Hell, no.

Hey.

Remember when we were playing Daphne High?

I broke a rib blocking that guy who was about to put you in a wheelchair?

I guess so.

Good, 'cause you still owe me a favor.

Where's divorce papers?

Why, Wade?

I mean, what, what exactly is go...?

Oh, okay.

[Tears paper]

I'm not getting divorced, that's what.

Thank you.

Do you like your name?

Judson.

Can I call you Jud?

Team Jacob or Team Edward?

[Sighs]

Do you think it's okay for doctors to wear shorts?

[Breathing heavily]

[Dials]

[Phone line ringing]

Hello.

Judson, it's Zoe.

I've been thinking-- I-I don't feel well.

I think I'm sick.

I'm a doctor-- actually, I know I'm sick.

I'm so sorry, I can't make it tonight.

Okay, well, I, I hope you feel better.

Okay, thank you.

I just don't get it.

I mean, I knew you were nervous, but I thought you were excited.

You said he seemed awesome.

What part of "I don't want to talk about it" do you not understand?

I feel terrible, okay, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

So can we please just forget it?

Lavon: Okay, okay.

Poor Judson.

It's just plain mean.

It's just plain stupid.

She's not getting any younger.

Her childbearing years are dwindling.

Shelley: Zoe Hart, what is wrong with you?

The only good single man in four counties, and you stand him up?

Why?

Why would you do that?

You know, I probably should be getting to work.

Okay, so usually we set up the track at the bar.

Yeah, well, usually, Lavon Hayes isn't the cohost.

I say we shake things up a bit.

Okay.

Okay?

Wait, you-you're not gonna argue with me?

No, Lavon, I just want to get through this meeting as fast as possible, and I can't even believe that you agreed to cohost with me.

Lemon, come on now.

Look, I knew it was gonna bother you, but I just thought maybe you could see that we could have some fun together.

I'm engaged.

I realize that, and I also realize that you and I are long over, but we both live in the same small town.

We...

Woman: Afternoon, Mayor Hayes.

We got to figure out a way to get along.

You're right.

So maybe we can be friends.

I'd like that.

Yeah.

And what better way to start a friendship than with a turtle race?

[Both laugh]

Oh, wait, you can be the first to meet...

[Imitates drumroll]

Slow Bob.

You have a turtle?

Yeah.

I caught him the other day running from Burt Reynolds.

He can really fly.

I'm gonna put him in the race.

Oh, no, no.

Delia Ann's turtle Margaret Mitchell has won the turtle race for the last 18 years.

Because everybody throws the race for her.

Well, Delia Ann is a powerful woman.

She gets what she wants.

It's her event.

Well, I am Mayor Lavon Hayes, a-and Slow Bob here is scrappy.

You can't discount scrappy.

[Laughs]

Tonight things change.

Yeah, well, we'll see.

I'm gonna call it a day.

Well, you can't just go home and wallow.

And I won't.

My mother had a point.

I need to make a life here, and maybe it needs to be a life by myself right now, so I'm gonna take myself on a date as an independent, self-reliant woman.

Well, good for you.

Mm-hmm, as soon as you give me a lift to the bus stop.

♪ ♪

Wade Kinsella, have you gone certifiable?

Take it you got my message.

Yeah, I got your message.

You ripped up our divorce papers?

What is wrong with you?

You didn't tell me that Colt is also known as Todd Gainey Jr.

You know him?

Yeah. Yeah, well, his daddy and mine used to work on the same fishing boat when we were kids.

Now, my daddy-- he may be a drunk, but those Gainey boys never let up, making fun of him.

Todd was a bully then and I bet you he's bully now.

You can do better, Tans, that's all I'm saying.

That's why you did this--

'cause I can do better?

I don't want you to be mad, Tans; It's just, I can't let you marry him.

You're such an idiot.

Hi.

One ticket, please.

That's right, one.

I'm here by myself.

Don't give me that pitying look.

Well, well, well, looks like BlueBell's fish out of water decided to swim upstream to Mobile.

George, um, what are you doing here?

Well, looks like we are the only two Woody Allen fans on the entire Eastern shore.

One, please.

[Laughs]

Wow, yeah, what a coincidence.

Well, you enjoy your movie.

See you in BlueBell.

Oh, or... or we could, uh, you know, we could go in together.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, right, right.

Why not?

Okay.

[Laughs]

Delia Ann: Thank you.

My husband gave these to me, yes.

Well, actually, they've been in the family for 15 years.

Oh.

Oh, you just go bye-bye with that stuff.

Hello.

Lemon: Hello, everyone.

I'm Lemon Breeland.

And I'm Mayor Lavon Hayes, and welcome to the 20th Annual Junior League Black Tie Turtle Derby, where the going gets slow, and the slow get going.

Lemon: And I would like to offer a special welcome to Delia Ann Lee, who dreamed up this beautiful event over 20 years ago and, in doing so, has preserved the local turtle population.

And now our esteemed mayor will explain the rules.

We'll have four preliminary heats.

The winners will move on to race for the championship and immortality in the field of reptile athletics.

[Applause]

[Giggling]

A general reminder.

This is an honorable event.

Cheating will not be tolerated here.

[Laughs]

May the best turtle win!

[Applause and cheering]

Wow.

I forgot how much that movie is such a love letter to New York.

Yeah.

You must miss it a lot, huh?

Oh, my God, every day.

Do you?

You know, I miss it sometimes, but you don't get nights like this in New York.

You don't get sky or stars.

You definitely don't get 75-degree heat in October.

[Both laugh]

Zoe: I can't believe

I ran into you here... alone.

Yeah, well, Lemon is not a fan of Woody Allen. She's...

Especially not Manhattan.

Mainly 'cause she's not a fan of the actual Manhattan, or Brooklyn or Queens, or anything to do with New York, really.

Hmm.

She's kind of anti-Statue of Liberty on principle.

Well, she's definitely anti-this New Yorker.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

I wish I could disagree.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, she has the big turtle race tonight.

What?

What?

I'm sorry. You people say things like that like it's normal.

Right.

Okay, why aren't you at this fabulous reptile derby?

Let's just say, I'm not a big fan of turtles.

Oh, so you two aren't as perfectly matched as you seem?

We have our differences.

Oh, you hardly know me.

You don't have to tell me anything.

No, no, no, no.

No, that's all right.

We just had a rough couple of years when I was in New York.

You know, I kept on thinking she'd join me, and she kept thinking I'd come back.

And at the end of the day, who was I kidding?

'Cause can you imagine Lemon Breeland in New York City?

You know, a few months ago, I couldn't imagine Zoe Hart in Alabama.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

So...

I thought I was ready to meet someone here, you know, but...

Yeah, instead, you called to cancel while he sat alone in Fancie's?

Good grief.

What?

I panicked, okay?

It doesn't make me a terrible person, does it?

Huh.

Oh, man.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

I'm sorry, did you say, tall glass of wine?

Yes, please.

♪ ♪

[Crowd cheering]

Yeah! Go, Margaret Mitchell!

Lavon: Oh, and Number Six, Snappy, looks to be making a dramatic move on the outside rail.

[Crowd gasps]

Oh! Whoops!

Snappy seems to have taken quite a tumble.

Snappy's on his back, struggling.

Come on, Snappy.

Snappy!

Oh, he's back up.

Yeah. Play through the pain, little dude.

Margaret Mitchell.

Go Margaret Mitchell!

Oh, come on, Mitchell.

Come on, baby.

M.M., don't choke. Don't choke, baby. Remember what I told you.

I'm just gonna help her a little bit.

Oh, yeah!

Lemon: And... in her jaunty red number, 11, Delia Ann's Margaret Mitchell looks as chic as she does speedy this evening.

[Applause]

Go, Margaret Mitchell! Go!

Oh, wait. Wait.

What do we have here?

Number 17, Shelly Long, seems to be overtaking Margaret Mitchell...

Oh, now, come on now!

That's clearly...

Within the rules.

A turtle-racing coach may correct their racer's trajectory so long as they don't push them towards the finish line.

Go, Margaret! She's gonna do it!

She's gonna do it!

[Applause, cheering and whooping]

[Shouting]

[Laughs]

Wow. What do you know.

Margaret Mitchell wins again.

[Quietly]: No. Just let it go, okay?

All right, next up we have, uh, Turtlelini, Prince Caspian and my very own, Slow Bob.

[Applause]

I was just so excited for my date with Judson.

It was only supposed to be fun.

You know, a new life experience.

But then, Addy started talking to me about what it's like to fall in love and sharing your souls.

And that's what it's supposed to be about, right?

So then I saw Judson through the window, and he looked so nice and so sweet, like he could be a real thing.

Then I thought, why bother?

Why bother go on a first date when I don't know how to be in a relationship.

Oh, come on now.

I-I hardly believe that is true.

It is.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, I didn't even really cry.

And we were together for six years.

Six years?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

That's a, uh... that's a long time.

Especially because...

I'm not sure that I ever even actually loved him.

Seriously?

I thought I did.

But we never had one night like-like Diane Keaton and Woody Allen in that movie.

One night when we magically connected, bared our souls.

Six years, and I never really let him in.

I'm nearly 30 years old, and I have never been in a real relationship.

Something is just wrong with me.

Zoe, just to let you know.

Ev-Everyone is afraid to make themselves vulnerable.

You know? It's...

It's about baby steps, though.

And, uh, I'll tell you what.

You did a pretty good job of letting me in just now.

So, maybe there's hope for you yet.

[Laughs]

[Playing pretty melody on guitar]

Hey, Tans.

What are you doing here?

Ah, I think I know why you really ripped up those divorce papers.

'Cause your fiancé is a Grade-D douche?

Or maybe, you are not ready to see me with someone else.

Maybe that's why we both put off the divorce so long.

Uh, I didn't put it off.

You did.

Wade, look inside yourself.

Look at your behavior.

It seems to me you want to give us another chance.

We were only together four months.

'Cause all we did was fight.

You hated my guts.

I loved you, you goon.

I was just never sure if you felt the same.

Tans, uh...

But now that I've seen the way you reacted to me and Colt, well...

I think I know how you feel.

Tansy, I...

I think you misunderstood.

I'm-I'm...

You and me-- we have always been electric together.

We just need to give in to the passion.

All right.

[Vehicle approaching]

Get your hands off my fiancée!

Todd Gainey, Jr.

Tansy: Colt, honey, calm down.

I strongly suggest you go back where you came from, boy.

I don't think you're in any position to be making suggestions.

What you gonna do about it?

[Crickets chirping]

[Zoe sighs]

[Laughs gently]

Thanks for taking me home.

It was much better than the bus.

It was my pleasure.

I had a really great time tonight.

Me, too.

Colt: Let's see, you son of a bitch!

What the hell was that?

Wade: C'mon, Gainey, you can't pull Wade: the trigger if you tried.

Tansy: Honey, no.

Wade, what's going on?

Wade: Hey, guys.

Uh, sorry, uh, now's not a real good time to hang.

This gentleman... claims he's gonna k*ll me now.

We weren't doing nothing!

Colt? Colt, let's just be reasonable here.

What is that thing, anyway?

It's a crossbow. What planet are you from?

Go ahead, Todd. Go ahead, sh**t me. I dare you!

Are you insane?!

Wade, shut up. He will.

Colt, I need you to think here, 'cause you're not thinking.

His name ain't Colt.

It's Todd Gainey Jr., and if ever you need proof that he's a degenerate, look at him now.

Do not listen to him!

Look at me.

Colt! Look at me.

I'm a lawyer, and I can tell you, now what you are about to do is commit a serious felony.

Now, I'm talking major jail time.

Now, whatever it is that you think Wade has done, even if he did it...

Which I didn't!

Shut up, Wade.

He's not worth it.

All right, it's not worth all that.

So why don't you just give me that, thing?

Come on, Colt.

Just hand it over.

[Sighs]

[Sighing]

Hey, Tansy, don't... don't be mad.

I only did it 'cause I love you.

This guy.

Next time try flowers.

Seriously? You're joking now?

You're lucky you didn't sh**t someone, you lunatic.

George, the safety!

[Yelling]

Wade: Gainey, you son of a bitch!

Put your hands under his head.

Oh, my God. sh*t him!

Zoe: Just like that.

Wade: Oh, my God!

Oh, he's driving away!

There's a thing in my leg!

Shh...

There's an arrow in my...

Okay, so, in the final race, it looks like.

Boxy the Box Turtle is still stuck in the wall, and Tortoise D'Force is walking backwards.

So, Margaret Mitchell and my very own Slow Bob are in a slow race to the finish!

Go, Slow!

Your turtle is moving too fast.

Oh, he is scrappy, ain't he?

Do something about it.

What? Are you asking me to throw the race for you?

You know very well this is my event.

I win, and if the people help me, so be it.

[Laughs]

I won't do it.

[Laughing]: Oh, yes, you will.

You can't come in here and change the way this race has been going on for 20 years.

I should never have let those ladies talk me into allowing you to host!

Your arrogance and sanctimonious attitude has no place here!

And if you won't go and do anything about that turtle of yours, I will.

I am Delia Ann Lee, and I will win!

[Gasps]

[All murmuring]

Oh.

Whoops.

[Chuckling]: Thank you.

I haven't seen fire in you like that in a long time.

So, folks, it's turtle neck to turtle neck.

All: Go, Slow Bob! Go, Slow Bob!

No! No!

Lavon: Come on, go, Slow Bob!

Slow Bob, go!

Go! Come on!

Slow Bob wins! Slow Bob, yeah!

Oh!

Ah!

Yes!

Yes!

[Laughing]

Addy, thanks for meeting me.

Addy: How is he doing?

Here we go.

Here. Come on.

Okay. I'm just gonna... lay down here. That's it.

Okay. Hang on.

That's good.

I really cannot believe I sh*t myself in the leg with a crossbow.

I know how to handle a crossbow.

Arrow missed his ego.

Good sign.

Right. Well, just give him the morphine.

At least this time it wasn't my fault you got injured.

Yeah. Just a little warning before any indescribable pain this time!

Whoops. It's easier when you don't know.

Maybe we should call Brick.

Yeah. I can handle this mess you made.

Of course you'd be married to a psycho with a crossbow-wielding fiancé!

Hey, it's not my fault that she got engaged to a lunatic.

He's not a lunatic.

He's just extremely jealous.

No, but it is your fault that you were canoodling with another man's girl.

You don't know what you're talking about!

Shh! I have an arrow in my leg.

All right, you two, out.

Out!

As soon as I find Colt, I'm gonna tell him about us.

Whoa, uh, Tans, I think things got a little out of control.

What are you saying?

Were you about to kiss me or not?

Well, I was... but I shouldn't have been.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it just, it means...

Tans, I-I don't feel the same way.

But it doesn't mean you should marry that psychopath.

I mean, he's a bully and a drunk, and if tonight doesn't prove that, then I don't know what to say.

You have no right to tell me who I can and cannot marry!

Sure, Colt's not perfect, but he loves me!

He loves me enough to try and k*ll you.

At least I know that.

You know, I had fun tonight.

Me, too.

Guess it turns out we can be friends.

Actually, Lemon, um...

I don't think we can.

Why not?

Because I still love you.

[Phone rings]

Hello? Addy?

What?!

Okay, okay, thank you.

George is hurt!

I gotta go.

You're all set.

That's what you get for being a knight in shining armor all the time.

[Chuckles]

Oh, really?

Kind of seems to me that you're the one always coming to my rescue.

[Chuckles]

I had a very nice time tonight.

You remind me of a lot of things.

Lemon: George!

George, sweetheart, are you okay?!

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'm... I'm...

[Chuckles]

Honey, I'm, I'm fine.

Oh, my God...

I'm fine.

I'm okay.

Hey...

I'm... just fine.

Nice work.

Thanks.

You okay?

Addy, you were right.

With the right person, it does just flow.

You can tell me now. I'm reasonably sober.

I don't think I will, Rick.

Why not? After all, I got stuck with a railway ticket.

I think I'm entitled to know.

Last night I saw what has happened to you.

The rake I knew in Paris, I could tell him...

You been here all night?

The one who looked at me with such hatred.

What you watching?

Casablanca.

It's so sad.

We knew very little about each other when we were in love in Paris.

Why is it that the ones we want are always the ones we can't have?

I don't know.

All I know is, we can't give up.

Love is worth fighting for.

Well, I'm not running away anymore. I'm settled now.

Above a saloon, it's true, but walk up a flight. I'll be expecting you.

Hey!

Hi Glad you're here.

Listen, uh, I didn't mean to lead you on.

Not last night and not when we were together.

I care about you, Tans.

You can do way better than me.

Certainly do way better than Todd Gainey, Jr.

Colt is kind of a douche.

Yeah.

I told him it's over.

You're gonna find someone amazing, you know?

And you're gonna have the big wedding and a cake, everything.

You deserve to be happy.

I'll have George redraw the papers.

But, Wade, you deserve to be happy, too.

Move on from Zoe Hart.

[Chuckles]

A girl like that is never ever gonna end up with someone like you.

It's her loss, but it's the truth.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Zoe Hart drives me crazy.

[Both chuckle]

Yeah.

You used to drive me crazy, too.

♪ ♪

How you feeling, sweetheart?

[Scoffs] Well, uh... kind of stupid, actually.

[Both chuckle]

I mean, I still can't believe I got sh*t in the leg by a dropped crossbow.

It's not even a tough story.

How'd you even end up at Wade's in the first place?

I... uh, I was driving home from the movies, and I heard someone screaming.

Well, they were lucky to have you.

I don't know about that.

Mm.

How were the turtle races?

Oh.

[Sighs]

Believe me, honey...

[Sighs]

You would have hated it.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

So how's the marriage going?

Yeah, we're, uh, we're divorced now.

Gotta say, seems like that's for the best.

Ooh, you might want to, uh, sneak out the back.

No.

I freaked out.

I didn't give Judson a chance.

But he's here, he's single, and a real possibility.

He could be awesome.

Baby steps.

[Clears throat]

Hi.

Hi.

I wanted to apologize... again for the other night.

I-I... panicked.

I was nervous.

I'm usually not that crazy.

Can I buy you a drink to make up for it?

It's 10:00 a.m.

Right! Right, right.

Yeah. A cup of coffee?

Oh, we could go to the bakery.

Have you had Agnes's sweet tea?

I hear it's a real Southern staple.

You know what? I'd love to.

Really?

Yeah.

Great.

Let's go.

Okay.

Oh. After you.

Oh, thank you.

[Chuckles]