02x04 - Grover

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Portlandia". Aired: January 2011 to March 2018.*
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Comedy skits about various offbeat fictional characters in Portland, Oregon.
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02x04 - Grover

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, Muddy Waters. I should get a Muddy Waters album, right?

Yeah, just get a "Best of." Doesn't matter.

I feel guilty, though.

Hey, guys.

Eleanor, what's up?

Hey, um... you guys should totally come to my DJ Night.

I'm spinning, like, all psychedelic sort of stuff.

You know, the Zombies, the Kinks.

Wow. All right.

I didn't know you DJ'd. I mean, I just started...

We have a dinner thing with my mom, but we'll try to make it right after.

Ok, cool.

We'll make it.

Yeah. Cool. Awesome.

Thanks, guys.

See you soon.

DJ Night?

I know. Eleanor? Whatever...

Ok, I'm all done with your deposit.

Is there anything else I can help you guys with? - Nope, that's it.

If you guys aren't doing anything tonight...

Uh, is this my receipt?

Uh, no. I'm spinning tonight at 9:00.

I play rockabilly, hillbilly, and psychobilly.

You're playing tonight?

Spinning.

Ok. - So if you guys can come, that'd be great.

We'll check it out if we can.

Promise?

We'll try to make it.

Yeah.

Please try.

They let you promote your thing here?

Yeah, they don't really know.

All right, thanks.

All right. Thanks, guys. See you tonight.

That looks good. Do you have any samples?

My God, yum.

That's amazing.

Excuse me. Did you guys want to come to my DJ Night?

What?

A DJ night?

Fred, Carrie...

Oh, God.

Doing a DJ thing.

Oh, no.

9:00.

That guy's the worst.

It's at 9:00. If you get there early, drinks are free. - Yeah. What?

I play music. You know, reggaeton, salsa, hip-hop.

Let's get out of here. Run, run.

This is getting really weird, right? What's going on?

[Music playing]

Get out of here. Get out. Get out of here. - Are these flyers?

DJ, DJ, DJ.

Go. Go. Go. Aah!

Where'd that guy go? Go. Go, drive.

Aah!

Aah!

[Both screaming]

Oh, hey.

What do we do?

Take him out.

Aah!

[Both screaming]

And then we stopped screaming, and we drove right here.

Well, darling, that's horrible.

What a terrible day you had.

Mom, I don't know what's going on.

Everybody in Portland's turning into a DJ. - Oh, that's terrible.

I hope you don't mind, but I think we're just going to just go to sleep.

You can't tonight. Tonight is my DJ night.

[Distorted] No-o-o-o!

[Distorted crying]

Oh, my god, we made it.

Fred.

Hey. Fred, not you, too? Fred?

No, no, no. I'm just checking my messages.

Oh. Ha ha ha.

[Rumbling]

Wait. Do you feel that?

Yeah.

Are we moving?

What is that?

Carrie: I don't know.

[Distorted music playing]

[Theme music playing]

So, today's a pretty big day, 'cause what we need to talk about is preschool.

You have to kind of plan out what-what it's gonna be to you.

What you do in preschool-- that's gonna determine what you do in elementary school.

Now, I know, you know, it sounds like a lot of talk, and we're just talking a lot, but instead, we want to show you what we're thinking.

So, look what mom and dad made.

We made a pretty cool chart for you, and here you are.

By the way, we've trademarked your name.

So while you're eating your granola and milk, you know, in your bowl, have a couple coffees and a banana, um, we can kind of go through this.

So, sh**ting Star Preschool-- this is where we start.

Now look-look how-- this is a good growth point, and we're going up from here.

You learn, and we're going up.

If you're worried about this- this slow decline right here, that's just when your voice is changing and stuff like that.

You're getting acne.

Yeah, these columns represent the Ivy League university that will be achieved if we can get into this preschool.

Grover, what's something that you would want to buy if you had a lot of money?

A what? A Ferrar what?

Ri. A Ferrari.

If this isn't going to make sense to you, well, unfortunately...

This might.

The last thing I want is you out there, you know, sh**ting squirrels and birds for dinner. - Yeah.

If we don't get you into that sh**ting Star private preschool, you're going to end up at a public school.

It looks like a factory.

With a bunch of riffraff.

You're walking into school and you see all these dirty kids, and it's like, they're gonna be all dirty, like, all around here.

Mm-hmm.

They'll come up to you and, like, "Would you like to follow me to have some chocolate that we stole?"

And by the way, we don't want to judge anyone. Never judge.

So, community college.

My sister went to community college, and we haven't talked in 10 years.

And she's dumb as hell.

You know how you can tell a community-college kid?

It's when they're in their car, and they're just sitting there in some garbage-y car, and they're just like...

This is not fun. We don't--let's...

Let's just...

We don't want that. We want...

You like this chart better, right? - Yeah.

We do, too.

This is a better one. We do, too.

And it all starts at preschool.

So we are gonna get you into preschool, we're gonna get you into college, we're gonna get you some money, and we're gonna get you whatever you want.

Just so we know you got it, can you just repeat back everything we just said?

Ok.

We'll do it again.

Ok.

Preschool.

Ok, Grover, TM.

Wow, a lot of dogs.

It's the right place.

Wow.

Hi, everybody.

Hi.

I'm Dave.

I'm Cass.

This is Quicksilver.

He was rescued from a tsunami, so he's still dealing with some trauma, so if you guys could keep your voice down when you say the word "water," anything like that, if you could just whisper that.

Hey, everyone.

We're thinking Quicksilver's area is here.

Yeah. We're just gonna go ahead and mark it off.

We'll allot this for Quicky.

Thanks for respecting that.

Yep.

I'm sorry, you're in our zone.

This is our ball that we bought, ok, and it's not a share ball.

Oh, look. You guys see that?

Who bit this ball? I don't know-- Is this yours?

You-- Is this your dog? Whose are those two?

You?

Dogs love Dave.

They really love me. Look at this.

I think he's starting to chase me.

Who is?

I think they all are. I'm done playing.

We need to cut you off.

Wow, look at him go. He's having such a good time. - Dave, we did it.

I want to take a picture. - Something we can frame and put over the bed.

Yeah. Aw, that's great, Cass.

That's great. Hey, the barking. I don't need it.

Can you slow down on that pour?

I don't know if you heard, but our dog survived a tsunami.

Have you lived through a tsunami or a flood?

I've never...

Can I show you a trick? Here.

This is what we do at home.

[Dog barks]

What? I mean, we read books about how to raise dogs.

We're interested in doing it correctly.

OK, we rented quite a few DVDs and returned them on time because we saw them all.

Cass...

Yeah, Dave.

That dog will not stop staring at me. He's up to something.

Whose dog is that with the lips that are falling off?

Stay still. No sudden movements at all.

He's gonna do something. We've got to get out of here quickly.

That's a really good idea.

You understand? But just no movements that make it seem like we're leaving.

Make it seem like we're playing in the park, looking around. Go, go, go.

Oh, my god. We got to get out of here.

Hey, where are you guys going?

What? - That is my dog. You're leaving with my dog.

This dog?

This is your dog right here.

Oh, they all look alike. These dogs look alike.

Can you take care of him? And here's yours back.

OK, thanks. Have a great day.

Smells like dog poop around here, doesn't it?

Oh, that's my cologne.

Rick speaking. How may I help you?

Hey. I just sold my car, and I can't find my title.

Uh, that would be Jerry in titles.

One moment, please.

Ok.

Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry. - He went to lunch. He'll be back in an hour.

He'll be right with you in one moment. Thank you.

[Muzak playing]

[Music plays over speaker]

Where do you want to get lunch?

♪ Let's try... ♪

[Shredder running]

♪ Tomato soup ♪

[Noise filtering through]

♪ Tomato soup ♪
♪ We'll order in from the diner ♪
♪ Forgot to buy a little bit of gasoline ♪
♪ On the way here ♪

[Both singing gibberish]

Man: Hello?

Hello?

Just a moment.

Jerry's gonna be back really soon.

[Scatting]

Man (V.O.): "Thank you for submitting a request for a replacement title with the Oregon DMV. Unfortunately, we are unable to process your request at this time. While you are waiting, please enjoy the enclosed compact disc of our sponsored music dial tones, "Please Press 1.""

♪ Ah-ee-ahh-ee-ahh-ee-ahh ♪

OK, great.

So what's your favorite color?

Tres guts.

Turquoise? That's a great color.

Honey, thank you for talking with me, ok?

All right, I will see you later, alligator.

You want to go to mom and dad? What a good girl.

Thank you, guys. You can expect to hear from the school around the first week of August only because there's so many kids and only so many spots.
How are you?

Grover?

That's right.

Hi. I'm Jana.

Hi. Michelle.

Hi, Michelle. Nice to meet you. Mom and dad right there. - Nice to meet you too.

Ok, Grover. So I'm gonna ask you some fun questions, ok?

Does that sound like a good idea? Oh, thank you.

What is that?

You know what? [Mutters]

You know what, honey? We don't have any equipment to play this on, so...

Coming through. Here you go. - Here's that equipment you were asking for.

Ok. You know, I...

Stay tuned to...

Well, you know what? If it doesn't work, we'll just--

I think I'll watch it another-- Ok. - It'll work.

[Soundtrack playing]

It was funny. The other day, he said, "It's interesting.

Whenever you drive, your mind seems like you're lost in thought.

"I think we're alike that way."

And I'm, like, "Wow, that's a really good way to put it. You know, you're 4 years old," and he kind of looked up and smiled, and he said, "I mean, we're all kind of 4."

Hi. My name is Grover. Let me in your school.

Yeah, he's just always been a really amazing kid.

His first word, he was starting to say, "Da. Da."

And we thought, "Here it comes, dad."

He actually said "data list," and that was his first word, and he went on to teach us about the Icarus myth, which is something I hadn't thought about a lot since school.

Who? Grover. Yeah.

He's musical.

Yeah, so I can see that, you know, it's a good idea. Ok. Ahem.

What a great kid. His favorite color is red.

Over the years, as they went, he became bigger inside, and it was really something to watch.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Bravo.

Great. What do you think?

Yeah. Whoo.

Do you have any more questions?

Oh, I don't have--

I think that answered everything for me.

And, Grover, do you have anything that you would like to add to that?

That's on the commentary and stuff.- Yep, extras.

Ok. Thank you, guys, very much. I will see you--

The school has a lot of submissions to sift through, so they'll get in touch with you first part of August.

Michelle: Ok, keep us posted.

I mean, you guys have, like, 45 cents?

You have a dollar?

Cool. Hey, peace out.

Hi. Money for us, please? Do you have a dollar for bus money?

Hi. Do you have 60 cents for ice cream?

Yeah, take care.

Have you noticed that no one's giving us any money? - Yeah.

We got to figure something out. - Hey, uh, cute dog.

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

Yes, our dog's trying to get to Eugene. Do you have any money?

Oh, that's great. Thank you very much. Thank you. - Thank you so much.

You guys seen a dog before? Have any change for him?

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Oh, this is amazing.

This is pretty great.

Hey, good boy.

Now that we've had Bean, we've actually made more per every hour.

I have an idea.

Did you hear what I said? I said, I have an idea.

Hi. Spare change? We have a puppy. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Hi.

Hi.

Do you have $2.00? [Chuckles]

This is going so great.

Hey... I have another i--

Hey, thank you. Whoa, multiple dollars.

Thank you very much.

Whoa, thank you.

Thank you. Don't put the money in the fishbowl.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Appreciate it, thank you.

Thanks a lot. Thank you.

Whoa.

Thank you.

[Laughs]

Wow.

Oh, yeah. Thank you. Take care.

Whoa, 2 million dollars. I have an idea.

I'm so excited about the scavenger hunt.

We just have to wait for my friend Garmin.

Which one's Garmin?

You guys know him.

He's always around town. He goes to shows a lot.

He's usually, like--I mean, he's way in the front.

Kind of a little guy. Oh, there he is.

Hi, Garmin.

Hey...

How's it going?

Great.

Sorry I'm late. My door knob was stuck.

It was stuck in there for a while.

Oh, yeah, no worries.

This is Megan and Ryan. - You guys look great. Sergeant Pepper's, huh?

Yeah. I think these are great uniforms.

We're gonna win, guys.

We should probably go.

I should warn you that there's not a lot of room in my car.

I've got my massage table in there and things are a little crowded.

I'll go in the back. I could fit. You know...

I'm a little guy. My hands are little.

My features are small. My shoulders slope down. I'm a little guy.

Great. Ok, well, let's go.

Great.

Ah, there's the other team. We're gonna be late.

Hurry, Garmin.

All right, "'O' is for Canada's national anthem. And "O" is for Oh, how I love maple syrup and bacon. "O" is like a doughnut." It's Voodoo Doughnut.

They're famous for their bacon maple bar. Let's go.

Ok, the clue's gonna be in the doughnut.

Do we have to eat all of them?

You know what? I could do it.

I can eat lots and lots, and I won't gain a pound. I got lots of energy.

I'm a little guy. Go for it, Garmin.

Wait. In doody doughnut. Eat the doody doughnut.

"Go park yourself on cooch and take the tunnel there."

There's a tunnel on the playground.

Yes. Let's go. Hurry.

Oh, wait. That must be the tunnel.

Ok, it's kind of small.

I can go in.

You know, I'm a little guy. My hands are little.

My features are small. My shoulders slope down.

You know, I'm a little guy.

Great. Go for it. Hurry.

Hey. Are you lost? Where's your mommy and daddy?

No. This happens all the time. I'm a full-grown man. Just a little smaller.

Oh, yeah. Ok.

You got it? Yes. Good boy, Garmin.

Ok, what does it say?

So hard to open these ribbons. My fingers are kind of stubby.

"What the buck? Your deer team's getting b*rned.

It better hoof it."

That's Burnside.

Oh, right.

It's a deer.

It's the Main Oregon sign.

The big neon one.

Oh, look, the pilgrims. Let's go. Go.

Oh, no! We're not gonna win. They're getting away.

We were so close. It's right there.

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

Where's he going?

I don't know. Garmin?

Garmin, what are you doing?

Watch.

Garmin.

Garmin?

I don't weigh that much.

He's gonna make it up there.

I see it. Hold on.

Go.

You guys, we got it. We won.

Good job, Garmin.

I don't know how to come down.

We can't understand.

Guess I'm just a little guy.

There he goes.

My hands are little. My features are small.

You know, I'm a little guy. Look at my sneakers.

They're a size 4. Hee hee.

Which one?

Ok.

Hey, everybody. The mail came.

Oh, my god.

We got a letter from the preschool.

Ok, if it doesn't happen, it's fine.

It's fine. It doesn't matter.

Either way, we're gonna be proud of you.

"Congratulations. We are pleased to welcome Grover to our Fall preschool..."

We did it. Yay, we did it.

Grover, we're in. We're in, we're in.

Oh, my god, I am so excited.

Amazing. You are amazing.

You did it.

I love the way you edited that.

We have such an amazing kid.

He's so smart.

There's gonna be paint over your lips.

You're the best dad.

Me? You talking to me? I am?

Come get me. Come get me.

Aw, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

[Michelle moans]

[Banging] Aw, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Hums]

Hey, what are you doing here, Grovy?

[Michelle yelling and screaming]

[Continues humming]

One minute.

[Michelle moans and groans]

Brendan: Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, Grover.

[Brendan moans and groans]

Mm.

[Coughs] All right, have fun.

Brendan: Hyah!

[Michelle yelps and moans]

So, Grover, how do you feel about having a little baby brother?

What do you think?

Fine.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Said I won't stop believing ♪
♪ Believing, believing ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I won't stop believing ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, everyday, another struggle, right? ♪
♪ Nah ♪
♪ Just a page in your book of life ♪
♪ Strive to be the best that you'll be, a'ight? ♪
♪ 'Cause, yo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
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