02x11 - The Brunch Special

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Portlandia". Aired: January 2011 to March 2018.*
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Comedy skits about various offbeat fictional characters in Portland, Oregon.
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02x11 - The Brunch Special

Post by bunniefuu »

For centuries people have been looking for shortcuts.

How can I get from point A to point B faster?

Speed has been the mother of invention with things like the steam locomotive, the automobile, the Panama Canal...

Faster, faster, faster pussycat! Go, go, go!

However, it's the tortoise that eventually b*at the hair, right?

Hi, there.

I'm Kyle Maclachlan.

Last year, we set out to make a very special episode of Portlandia called "Brunch Village."

And frankly, what you saw was fun size.

What I'd like to show you now is a full meal, the director's vision.

The long version with no shortcuts.

One thing about Portland, there is virtue in taking one's time--

Slow roasting meats, making lightbulbs by hand, moving at the speed of bike, and stopping to smell the beautiful roses overlooking our city.

Ah.

So, without further ado, I now present you with the director's version of "Brunch Village."

Enjoy.

Peter honey, so what's on tap for our Sunday?

Well, that mandolin festival is still going on.

Listen to this. There's this new brunch place, the Fisherman's Porch.

Ooh.

They've got something called the marionberry pancakes that everyone's ordering.

Yum.

"The Fisherman's Porch offers brunch...

...eggs Benedict and Sammy Benedict...

[Mumbling] ...best syrups I've had.

Coffee..."

Peter, let's go.

I want to have a mimosa, I want to have some marionberry pancakes, and I want to go with my guy, okay?

It opens at 9:00 A.M. it says get there early.

Baby, come on. You know what?

Let's go right now.

Should we go?

I want to go today. Come on.

I don't know. I mean, jeez. Why don't we go next week?

It's not that attractive when you're indecisive.

Parking.

You know what I mean? And the crowds.

I mean, we just had coffee.

We're gonna take it to go.

Okay. Let's do it.

Come with me.

Okay.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Hello?

Hey, Fred. Hi.

It's the mayor. Good morning. Am I waking you up?

Yes.

Well, let me be the first to say good morning.

Okay.

I wanted to know if I could invite you to brunch this morning just as a thank you for all you've done for the city?

Where do you want to meet?

That brunch place down on Dekum.

Get there say around 9 o'clock?

Oh.

Is that gonna work?

Okay.

Hey, listen. If you see Carrie, would you tell her, too?

Yeah. Ah, hold on.

Carrie? Carrie.

What?

The mayor's calling.

Huh?

The mayor's calling and he wants to know if we want to go to brunch.

When?

Today.

It's the place on Dekum.

You know what?

We should get going. That place is really popular.

We gotta get in line.

Hey, that sounds great.

Okay. On my way.

Long line.

Yeah. Yeah.

Are they open?

Not yet.

Water! Six dollar water!

Is this the line for Fisherman's Porch?

Crazy.

Whoa. Hey guys, calm down. One at a time, okay?

I'll get to you one at a time.

All right. How many in your party?

Okay. And your name? Barbara. Okay, great.

And, two? And your name?

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Good. How are you?

Good.

So how many?

Two.

And the name?

Peter.

All right. Great.

Quick question. How long until we get seated?

Ah, let me see.

I don't know.

Maybe 30, 35, 45...

Maybe an hour and 15.

Oh.

You know we got that write-up. It's really popular.

That's a while, huh?

Maybe an hour 45.

We'll sit at the counter.

Yeah, there's no counter. So, a table, is that all right?

[Stammering] Is it possible, can you order in advance?

And send the order up to the chef so that it's waiting for us when we get there?

No. I think maybe you could've gone to McDonald's for that.

Maybe you might be at the wrong restaurant.

No, no we're not.

We're trying to think of it like an adventure.

You want to see a menu?

Yeah.

So you got that?

Yep, Peter party of two.

P-E-T-E-R.

You got that, right?

Yeah. Peter.

There's two of us.

Party of two.

Marionberry pancakes, I'll have that for me.

You get those, and I'm gonna get the frittata.

But I want the turkey breast Benedict.

Fruit plate. I'm getting that.

I'll do the frittata...

I would like the frittata.

And you get the marionberry pancakes.

I'll do the granola...

I can make you that at home.

Okay, let's go. Thank you.

No. That's not what I meant.

We can go home if you want. Should we go home?

Peter.

Why don't we get--

I don't know what I want.

I hate how indecisive you're getting.

I just can't decide.

I want you to want something.

The breakfast burger.

Great.

And the pancakes.

No.

What's-what's-- What's good here?

I'm done with this. I'm gonna be honest with you.

This is such a turn-off when you do this.

It is?

I'm freezing.

I'm gonna go to the car and get my jacket. When I come back you better decide on your order. Okay? Figure it out.

She's not really mad.

In relationships when you're together a long time, you have you're own volume and language that it sounds to strangers like it's heated and it...

That's just a common-- That happens when we're...

Anytime.

[Hostess] Margaret party of two.

Christine party of three.


Hey, Tribune guy.

Remember when you could walk right into this restaurant?

Yeah. Yeah, I do, too. And now I'm waiting five hours.

So I got a little message for your big food critic, buddy.

Why don't you tell him the Food Channel called and um, they ah, they got a new gig for him.

It's called taste these nuts, my man.

Why don't you review these nuts right here?

Thanks for blowing up another spot of mine.

I really appreciate it.

[Cell phone rings]

Who is it?

It's the mayor.

Fred, I'm stuck on the bridge.

He's stuck on a bridge.

Yeah, Hawthorne Bridge.

Great.

It's a very long line. You know that, right?

Really? Well, maybe it's caught on.

Do you know an alternate way I can get to you, maybe the Westside Esplanade?

Is there an alternate route? He's on the Hawthorne Bridge.

Is it up?

Yeah.

There's no alternate route. It means all the bridges are up.

No, I think they're done with the construction...

Oh, I have an idea.

I know how I'm gonna get around this.

We'll see you here.

We're moving.



Hi. What is this for, Toni?

This is our store. You're in the way of our store.

What are you all waiting for?

This is a sacred storefront and a women's space.

We can't get in.

Look.

Our customers need a safe passage as do we.

This is no longer a safe space for women.

We're gonna go in and we're gonna come out in 20 minutes and I want you guys gone. We're a peaceful organization, but at this time, this makes me very warlike.

So help me God, I will jump from head to head using your skulls as stepping stones into the river that is the street.

And I'm gonna take tea and take a sip of it and spit it into each and every one of your mouths.

Oh, it'll burn me, but it'll burn you twice.

Burn we once with tea, shame on me.

Burn you twice in your own mouth, shame on everybody involved.

This way to your table.

So here's my report.

There's a table of four. They're just chit-chatting.

There's a table of two, they've already paid.

I think you're about two hours away.

Whoo!

Long line. We got some food ready to go.

A table's open right here, folks.

So we got the triple play, we got the cup of Joe side of dough, and we got the early morning eye opener.

All 1.99.

Actually, cup of Joe side of dough is 99 cents today.

So... We got a lot of tables.

You could get a refill right now of that coffee if you come on in. We got free refills.

Excuse me.

[Hostess] Tousant party of four.

Tousant party of four.


Starving.

Yeah, me too.

Those pancakes for sure.

Frittata or something.

Yeah.

I might get the eggs. I'm not really sure what to get.

I think I'm gonna get the pancakes and the eggs.

You're gonna get all of that?

I haven't eaten for 10 days.

What? You have to eat.

The master cleanse is amazing.

So you don't eat anything?

No.

Ten days, water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, feeling extra hungry, throw a little maple syrup in there ties you over.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, I feel amazing.

I would never do that.

I feel incredible.

I gotta eat all the time. I feel great when I eat.

I went on this kick where I was drinking orange juice like crazy.

The pulp and everything. That's all I had. Big glasses.

It's expensive, you know, but after a while, I couldn't drink anymore.

My whole skin started smelling like... Are you okay?

Hello? Are you okay?

She fainted. She hasn't eaten in 10 days.

I did that, too.

I was on a strict diet of just juice and sandwiches.

It just makes you dizzy.

[Horns honking]

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

Excuse me.

Hey. Hey, you're cutting! Hey! She's cutting!

[Crowd yelling]

She's cutting!

[Crowd yelling]

Boo!

I can't see what's going on down there.

They're all... Boo!

[Shouting continues]

Come on, love. Come on.

Come on.

I'm not cutting.

Come on, let's go.

Peter!

I don't even know...

Please, no. You're hurting my arm.

Come on!

I just want to get back to my husband.

Please. Where am I?

Your excellency.

Um, hi, I'm Nance.

Silence!

I'm not exactly sure--

Silence!

I'm not exactly sure why I'm here.

Silence. Explain yourself.

Do you want me to be silent or do you want me to explain myself?

Explain yourself in a silent voice using words.

Well, I was in line with my husband Peter, and he gets very, very indecisive about food...

[Muttering]

And so I started walking towards the car and it's a little chilly out and I wanted to get my jacket...

She grabbed her jacket from the car.

A jacket!

[Laughing]

She wanted to get her jacket.

[Laughing]

She wanted to get her jacket.

[Laughter continues]

[Muttering]

You know, it's a nice... It's a nice...

[Hysterical laughter]

I don't appreciate the laughter.

Being as how hot it is in here, why would you need a jacket?

Well, I wasn't really expecting to end up here.

Silence! You cut the line!

I-I...

You cut the line!

You know, I--

No!

Do you have any idea what kind of chaos would ensue were I to allow your transgression to go unpunished?

Absolute anarchy.

Now, I want to be in anarchy.

Yep, it's the only way to be.

But we all have to be adults then, don't we? Not psychotic children cutting the line, chewing on human flesh. Bleed, piggy, bleed.

[Squealing]

Must punish you to save the children.

I want to save the children. I donate every year. Please.

Amismyth.

Yes, my lord.

The synthetics, please.

Ahh!

[Gasps] Pancakes. Where am I?

Shh! Shh! Shh!

You fainted. We've given you some fluids and you should be just fine.

Thank you, doctor. You... You saved my life.

That's what I do. I save lives.

You have really amazing eyes.

So do you.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

This might be crazy, but do you want to get out of here?

[Laughs]

♪ If you want to take a chance ♪
♪ girl take my hand and come with me ♪

Oh, look. We're moving.

[Cell phone rings]

Oh, now the mayor's calling me.

Hello?

Hey Carrie, it's the mayor.

It's taken me a little longer than I thought. Listen.

You don't know the Willamette River topography, do you?

Are you still on the Hawthorne Bridge?

Yeah, I was, and now I just passed under it.

Ahoy there. Would you know that brunch place on Dekum?

Am I going in the right direction?

I don't know if you can call the restaurant and drop your name.

I can't really do that. I've never really done that as a mayor before. I really can't.

Just saying. You might need to pull some strings.

Would you shut up?!

Make u-turn...

Sorry, Carrie, not you...

Okay. I mean, just get here.

I see Omsi up ahead. I think I'm gonna be okay.

See you soon.

Okay. See you soon.

Okay. That was really weird.

Oh, look. There's a submarine. Oh, I know where I am.

Yeah.

I can't find my wife.

She just...

Would you do me a favor? I've got to look for my wife.

Can you hold my spot? I'll be right back.

Nance?

Nance?

Sorry. I'm looking for my wife.

Nance, are you around? Nance?

You didn't see a woman in here, did you? I'm looking for my wife.

Hey, trespasser. Trespasser.

This is a riot!

Get off our property! This is a protest!

We're sorry we had to do this, but we asked you kindly.

Get out! Get off our property! Go! Go!

I will silence your rebellion!

I declare this space...

Free of trespass.

Thank you.

Also, we're having a sale on some of our short stories.

It's gonna be half off for the next hour or so.

So please come in and look at them.

God is bless.

Stacey party of three.

Stacey party of three.

[Upbeat music playing]



And, and she's got a very beautiful face.

Um...

So pretty and um...

[Stammering]

I almost wanna say in line.

She stepped out to go find her jacket.

Have you seen my wife?

This is Nance. I can't find her.

She was in line with me.

This is her.

Yeah, I've seen her.

You have?! Where is she?

It's a bad place. You really don't want to go down there.

Why not?

It's... end of the line.

South of Burnside.

They seem like nice people.

[Cocks shotgun]

I'm just going through. I don't mean any harm.

Is there a fee?

I have money.

There you go.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

That was very kind of you.

[Pig oinking]

[Growling]

Hi. Ah... I just came in through there.

I'm just going through... I'm looking for...

My wife is back there. I think.

Nance! Nance, it's Peter!

What happened?!

Margaret party of two.

This is gonna take forever.

We're never gonna get there.

I'm starving.

It goes a mile back.

Really?

Crazy.

Will you text the mayor?

Yeah.

Catch the show this weekend, Beef Curtain? Great show.

Missed it.

What're your names?

Fred.

Carrie.

Oh, yeah. We got your table ready.

You asked our name first?

Fred and Carrie right here.

Party of two. Let's go.

Are you sure?

We're like really far back in line.

You got a special table.

We did?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I don't think this is Fisherman's Porch.

What is this?

I guess it's a restaurant.

It also seems like a drug store.

Totally.

Let's just go.

Good morning. Let me tell you about our specials.

We got the triple plate for 1.99 and we got the cup of Joe side of dough for .99.

We actually made a mistake.

We were supposed to meet--

That's great 'cause there's a three-for. If you order something, two other people get a free meal, free beverage.

So you can't b*at a bargain like that.

That's very kind of you. I feel bad 'cause we were supposed to meet them next door and we--

Do you want me to give them a ring?

No, you don't have to do that.

No, we have cell phones.

I don't want you to be charged. I don't know how many minutes you got in your plan. I can call them right now.

How about this? We promise we'll come back. It seems like a cool place.

How about just the beverage? I can bring you some coffee?

I'll have a cup of coffee.

A cup of coffee for you?

We want brunch. We want these marionberry pancakes.

And I've got some blueberries. I'm sure they're still good.

You'll have some nice cakes.

I'll take one.

I'll have blueberry.

Okay. Blueberry cakes.

There is a difference in berries, you know that?

Yeah, that's fine.

That's fine.

Okay. Why are you pouting?

He's just trying to keep a business together.

You have daddy issues.

I have the good stuff for you right here.

This is really good stuff.

Are those hand wipes?

Yeah.

Here's what we'll do--

There's some gum under the table.

I just remembered. Let me get that for you.

[Scraping noises]

I hope these people saved our place in line.

Me, too.
Hurry.

Ooh. Party of 16?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I mean, Sunday brunch...

Ooh.

Party of 16?

You gotta be kidding me, dude?

It's gonna be a little while. Probably a couple hours.

Yeah, it's gonna be a lot of while, dude.

Don't you look at me, man!

Are you aware of how many tables they have available in the actual restaurant? It's limited, dude.

Limited, L-T-D. You're not getting a party of 16 through that door.

If you do, I'm gonna be irate!

It's really a lot of people.

This guy wants a party of 16.

Why don't you invite 25 more friends there, guy?

[Laughter]

What're you looking at me for?

♪ Temptation ♪


[Heart b*ating]

[Hostess] Sierra party of one.

Lady, get the hell outta my way!

I'm coming.

Sierra party of one.

Nance!

Nance? Nance, it's Peter!

You want your brunch before everyone else? Little piggy, piggy.

Well, here it is, your brunch.

There's corn oils and some kind of preservatives all mixed together in some kind of chemical stew.

It's awful.

I haven't eaten anything like that for years.

Well, I'm very sorry. Feed her.

No, please.

Feed her her brunch.

No.

Eat your brunch.

It's gonna give me a stomach ache.

And I'm so excited for those pancakes.

[Stammering] I just wanna go through.

I don't wanna be too full. I wanna eat those pancakes.

Eat your brunch, Nance!

I'll be a minute.

I just-- I know her.

[Hostess] Peter party of two.

Our table. We're up.

Move!

Nance!

Ah!

Are you okay? What is this?

What are you doing?

Silence.

Why?!

Silence.

Loudness.

Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

I am Peter party of two.

They just announced our name.

We have a table, and we're gonna go get our table and we're gonna eat brunch because we waited in line.

Isn't he the best?

Excuse me. One more thing.

What do you think you're going to have?

Oh you know, I'm kinda feeling the frittata.

I'm back to the pancakes. I know everyone gets them, but I'm kind of a sucker.

The marionberries are very, very good.

I hear. I've never been.

Well, it was really great meeting you guys.

Enjoy.

Go, go, go, go!

[Hostess] Peter party of two.

Peter party of two.


We have a table. We're next.

Last call, Peter party of two.

That's our table.

We're never gonna make it.

Peter, I'm so tired.

I'm sorry, Nance.

No, I'm sorry.



Do you wanna try it?

Get on.

Let's go.



We're coming.

We're coming.

We're coming. Please wait. Please hold our table.

Is this allowed even?

Last time I moshed was Pearl Jam 1993.

We're on our way!

Please hold our table.

Oh, thank you.

Hello.

Hi.

Peter party of two.

Peter party of two.

Right this way.

My hero.

Okay, and two orders of marionberry pancakes.

Enjoy.

That was so good.

Those pancakes are unreal.

What happened to you today?

I don't know. Something just kinda took over.

Just seeing you struggling like that.

I don't know. I just couldn't be without you.

I just found myself.

Yeah, you did.

I kinda drank too many of those little glasses of orange juice, huh?

You can drink as much as you want.

I had like six.

You're a thirsty guy.

Yeah, I've been told that... a lot.

That's all we need to have a good time. Just me and you, maybe a little bit of breakfast.

And juice.

And those green eyes.

You like them, don't you?

Mm, yeah.

Which one do you like better?

I tell you what. We are a party of two.

Guess who's invited?

Me.

Am I invited?

Let me think about it.

Ah... yeah.

Well, you know what? I'm RSVP-ing right now.

Okay, what are you saying?

I'm saying yes, I would love to come.

He just never showed up.

Oh, well.

Let's just go somewhere else.

Hey, Fred! Carrie!

Hey.

Hi, you made it.

Thanks for waiting.

They just closed.

Huh?

They closed.

What?

Yeah.

Here?

Yeah.

Oh, no. This isn't the place.

Oh, it-- No?

No. Our place is up there.

Hey, Ed! Table for three!

Hey, hey. Mister mayor.

We'll be right there!

You know that guy?

Oh, yeah. He's great. Oh, cup of Joe, side of dough.

I'm so ready. I hope you're hungry.

Yeah, come on!

Carrie: It's really cheap. I'll pay.

[Mayor] Ah, even better.

Oh-- Ah, hey.

That was quick.

Ha. That really flew by.

So, while "Brunch Village" was a thrilling project to work on, it wasn't always a walk in the park.

Let's look at a little behind the scenes movie to see what went right, and what went horribly, horribly wrong.

Horribly wrong.

Enjoy.

Whoa. Okay, guys. Calm down. Calm down.

I'll get to you one at a time, okay?

All right. So, how many?

Two.

Two? And your name?

Director: Here we go. Resetting. Still rolling. Resetting.

Still rolling. - Here we go. Resetting.


That was great, guys. Reset. Reset. Reset.

Carrie: I mean, drive safe, or whatever. Okay.

Yeah, bye. - And background advance.


Stop, everyone. Carrie, can you just say, "Hey, mister mayor. I don't know if you can drop your name 'cause we're gonna get in"? Something like that.

Hey, mister mayor. I don't know if maybe if you could call the restaurant and drop your name 'cause honestly, I don't know whether we're gonna get in.

Give me a "yeah."

Yeah.

Give me a "no."

No.

Give me a "uh-huh."

Uh-huh.

Give me a "huh-uh."

Huh-uh.

We got it. We're moving inside. Last setup, everybody.

Marionberry--

Marionberry pancakes.

It's about the marionberries.

The marionberries are very, very good.

The marionberry pancakes, the idea first came about, we were all just sitting around.

First we went for blueberry pancakes, nah, it's gotta be like marionberries are such an Oregon thing. They only grow in Oregon.

No. They should be here any minute.

You got a second?

Yeah. Let me take a taste.

This is a classic marionberries and a little bit of mint for decoration.

These look really good.

Oh, good.

Mm. These taste terrible.

Ooh, really?

Hey, how are we doing? Are we all set?

The pancakes taste terrible.

Oh, no.

How are you?

I feel great.

This comfy couch.

Yeah.

Hangout times. It's not loud.

[Horn blaring]

You know.

It's just like, the whole episode is about everyone's like,

I need these marionberry pancakes.

They're like driving people to wait in line for hours, and like those, I would never wait in line for those.

Sure.

I got a seed stuck in my tooth. Is that supposed to happen?

Are the marionberries supposed to stick in the teeth?

Maybe this helps.

Okay.

When I was a kid, I had these marionberry pancakes one time and my grandfather made them, we picked the berries that day, it was like 75 degrees, like the sun...

You know when you just feel hot, but it's like not too hot...

[Thinking] Money is just being wasted. The more time I talk, the more money you are wasting...

...it was in slow motion. That's how I remember it.

What are we talking about here? We're doing pancakes, right?

And the pancakes we were eating were just like one of those elements that just made the day like, [Clicks tongue].

How long have we been here today so far?

No one has come and talked to us.

Should I text somebody?

I mean, it gives us a little time to catch up and stuff.

Not that we don't see each other 24/7.

Guys, I'm so sorry this is taking so long.

David, it's the last scene.

He's gotta make a decision on the pancakes.

Great. Okay.

Cool.

So this was our first option I presented to John and he said, where'd you get these berries?

And I said, oh, supermarket. And he says, ugh. He just kinda...

Too much salt. Too sour. Unedible.

This is the one that had no marionberries in it.

Too silly. Nah. He didn't like them.

You know when you're on a plane you're about to take off and the pilot says, we're gonna be on the ground for a little longer 'cause we got to make sure the mechanics works and the engine works?

You don't want to like, rush that and take off anyway.

You want to wait until they fix it.

What do you have there, the script?

Yeah. Do you need a script?

For the 15th time, no.

Whatever John has in his head...

In his brain.

We want to be able to make that happen.

I just wish it would come out quicker.

I need time. I need space.

Hypothetically.

I can't decide right now.

But you don't have to-- But you need to decide right now.

No, John, John!

[Tires squealing]

Gosh, he's talented.

♪ I keep running away for as long as I can ♪
♪ I've been locked in those chains ♪
♪ won't you understand ♪
♪ I keep running away just as fast... ♪
♪ days are turning in to weeks gone by... ♪

What are pancakes, right? Just like pancake mix.

I guess marionberries-- Fresh marionberries.

They gotta be super fresh.

[Cell phone rings]

I cannot talk to David.

Thank you everybody for coming. We really appreciate it every day.

We're way past golden time. We're in diamond time now.

So make sure you fill out those time cards.

We're way over budget. Yeah, it's insane over here.

All the extras are fine.

They have books and games and puzzles.

Yeah, they'll be a while. Some of those puzzles don't have all the pieces.

They'll be looking for them for a while.

You haven't seen John or heard from him or...

In the five minutes that you've been here? No, I haven't seen him.

He didn't come up behind me and pop in and...

Don't ever worry about that.

Have your phones on, too.

'Cause if you guys wander...

And if we're not around, get B-roll.

And if you can't get B-roll, get C-roll.

And if you can't get enough C-roll, get some D-roll.

That's like sky and ground.

You know, E and F and G and all those rolls, you can't just have characters speaking to each other.

You eventually get...

sh*ts of the floor and sh*ts of the ceiling.

Yeah, so don't worry.

This feels like a pancake day.

What is that?

What?

This is it! Whoo!

Yes!

Yeah!

Whoo! Whoa!

I figured it out!

[Laughing]

Where's-- Where's the berries?

Maybe...

There's no berries.

Where are the berries?!

Where are all the marionberries?!

Woman: Hold on a sec! Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for the berries.

Hi. David Cress, Portlandia.

Let me ask you something.

Would you, at all, be interested in buying a boom mic?

Okay, you don't have to use that tone with me or that style of curse word.

Stop. Okay. Hey. All right.

Dad, dad, dad, dad, stop, okay? No, don't put mom--

Okay, I gotta go. I'm in trouble here at work.

Bye.

[Sighs heavily]

I'm doing a sh*t of some pancakes, and everyone is waiting in line for brunch. So it's gotta be like...

It's gotta taste right. And I've been searching and I saw your farm.

I was just wondering if you had any marionberries?

We got these nice sh*t glasses, marionberry decals, two for five. Or how 'bout this?

A hand-painted beer stine, huh? You like it?

Nah.

Oh.

My best of Portland 2008 marionberry pie blue ribbon.

Wait. You're selling the ribbon?

Oh, that's sad.

You have any marionberry pancakes in there?

No. Marionberries don't come into season for about five months.

Hmm.

Good.

Berry picking is really hard.

Thank you for bring these.

Don't eat all of them...

I'm not going to, don't worry.

I don't want to give them a direction like, hey, pretend this is like the best berry pancakes you've ever had.

That's gonna feel forced. I want them to actually bite in and...

A perfect pancake.

Yeah.

You don't think you're over thinking this?

I mean, the props department was no help.

No, I wouldn't think that--

They always go-- Broad.

Yeah, they're gonna make giant ones. Yeah.

I mean, I'm more interested in drama at this point.

And what if you're wrong?

Well, you know, we'll address that in post.

Probably the best way for it to work is if they're just amazing.

You might want a professional chef.

I never thought of that.

Well, if you need help in the preparation, I'd be happy to make a phone call.

Yes, please.

Okay.

Accounting is k*lling me here. They are really down my neck.

Oh, no.

You know how much it costs to feed 20 extras?

Just a breakfast.

$400.

Oh, congratulations. That's great.

Danielle: I've called them up. I said, where's Krisel?

They're like, we don't know. We're playing dominos.

I was like, excuse me?


And they said, we're just hanging out. We're playing dominos...

I said, you have one sh*t left. Where's Krisel?

What do we put in the slot? What do we put here?

Here's the time. 10:00. This morning I did this, exclamation point.

You know what I did last night?

I went home, I poured a giant plastic tumbler of wine, I was so sweaty and so anxious about Portlandia,

I ripped off all my clothes, I stood underneath the air conditioning vent, and I was like, Jesus, just let 'em get this last sh*t.

It's just sketch comedy.

Like they're looking for some kind of berry.

They've got people trying berries. It's like, if we air Pulp Fiction one more time, there's gonna be riots in the streets.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, wow. You must be John.

Whoa, Bobby Flay.

How are you doing?

Come on in.

Thanks.

I've been on a long quest. I'm looking for the ultimate pancake.

I've decided that it's a marionberry pancake.

Blackberries.

They're marionberries.

Um, they grow only in Oregon. Basically they're--

These are blackberries.

They're like a real close cousin to the blackberry.

So, for the state of Oregon, we can call them marionberries, but for the other 49 states we should call them blackberries.

What do you think?

This is not going well.

Why?

It's just gotta have that extra umph that like, those people are gonna wait in line for hours.

Oh, it's a cooking show.

It's a deep cable, like, quirky-um.

When you say deep, like the channel has three digits?

Definitely.

Okay. I think we want the pancakes to fully encompass the blackberry.

You know what? I'm gonna just put the ball in your court and say, this is your area of expertise. Your food tastes good.

I've never tasted it, but I've seen it on television, and I'm assuming it does taste good.

I actually wear this more than my regular clothes.

I've been wearing this for more hours...

Twelve hours a day in this, and then I basically put something back on just to get home.

This is technically my style.

Now it is.

Yeah.

Just based on quantity.

Yeah.

Do you feel like they're cleaning it?

I think they clean it every night.

Yeah. I-- Yeah.

I'm looking for our director John, and he's kind of on a marionberry kick right now.

Are you... Great. Stay right where you are.

I'm coming out to talk to you.

Two bowls...

You want me to get creative.

Two soda, a little bit of sugar. Are we gonna call these pancakes, flapjacks, griddle cakes?

I mean in Portland...

We're calling them pancakes just because...

We sh*t everyone saying that already.

I don't love that idea, but okay.

It must've been nice when they discovered, like in the early days of makeup, that they needed chairs to spin.

Like, they'd work on you like this...

I wonder who invented the swivel chair.

Someone had to, like at some point.

I bet you it wasn't an accidental invention.

They just were like, we need a swivel chair.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna guess...

1600s.

Really?

I'm gonna go back that far.

Did he say anything about any pancake decisions he was gonna make?

He isn't in any kind of trouble, is he?

Did he mention anything about returning back to a television set?

He talked about something about being a director.

I think it was TV. I'm not really sure.

We don't have a TV here.

Did he say where he was going at all?

I can't show Pulp Fiction anymore. I can't show it anymore.

Can you connect me to the control room?

Yeah, it's Danielle. I know what time it is.

We didn't get the last sh*t, so.

I know you're gonna k*ll me, but can you cue up Pulp Fiction?

Can you just cue it up? I'll be down in a minute.

I got us bagels.

We'll come down. We'll watch it together.

Okay.

All right, John--

No, no, he's gone.

You just missed him.

Lorne.

Do you know where John is?

No.

No, we're just not gonna do that.

Is there a pause in your conversation? I can ask about--

Yeah, no. I don't think we're gonna be able to get that done.

Just real quick. Have you seen John at all?

I can't find him anywhere.

I'm not actually on the phone anymore.

Have you seen John at all?

Yeah. I saw him earlier.

Well, we want them to be nice and fluffy.

I mean, I just always let my batters rest for about an hour.

But I never know what to do for that hour.



I can't believe you went to South Africa.

Check this out. These are the Cape buffalo's.

They say these are their most dangerous animals.

It just doesn't seem that way to me.

John, I found you.

What're you doing in my house?

You're totally embarrassing me, David, in front of my new friend.

I've got a crew of extras waiting in the trailer...

You know, I...

John...

It's gonna be okay.

Sometimes it's about the journey.

We've become like, really close friends.

And you've kept an existing friend.

I thought we were more co-workers.

We have the best ingredients.

We have the best person making them.

We have organic buttermilk.

Let's do it.

Eric? Eric.

Got it. Oh, boy.

Amazing. These look incredible.

Okay, picture's up. Let's bring in Fred and Carrie.

We got the cakes.

Move it in. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Yeah, that looks good. That looks good.

If you could just move those, too.


It was so good.

Those pancakes are unreal.

How did they make this so good? What's in this batter?

And it's delish.

This is so good.

I'm full but I want to keep eating.

Take a bite for me.

Did I dip it in the syrup too much?

And, cut. Cool.

We're coming.

Wait for me.

John, am I calling them or they calling me?

You are calling them.

Yeah, okay.

On a Sunday?

[Buzzing]

Okay, just leave--
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