01x03 - Insanity

[bunniefuu]

(panting)

(TV playing)

♪

Nice and easy.

(grunting) Okay.

Tina: You're doing great. Who's amazing?

What's that? What's that?

This is a Heisman.

♪ ...Gets drunk next to you and if I haver... ♪

All right, let's work on your form a little.

Man: Butt kicks, let's go. All right, lift.

I need a break. Just give me a little break.

No, no, no, no, there's no break. This is "Insanity."

That's what this is!

♪ But I would walk 500 miles... ♪

Get your... get your heel to your butt. Heel to the butt.

Touch my arm with your knees.

Touch my arm with your knees.

Ah! I got a cramp!

♪ ...fall down at your door... ♪

Those are just jacks. There's no jumping. Jump.

Do you want a career?!

Do you want to be a leading man?!

Come on, karate chop.

I can't do that.

Come on.

I can't do that.

Come on, yes, you can.

(singer vocalizing)

(doorbell rings)

♪

Letter for Brett Pierson.

Alex: Oh! (crying)

God!

Uh, is everything okay?

(body thuds)

I'm good.

Uh...

It...

(panting)

I'm really impressed.

Ahem. It was pathetic, but you didn't quit.

Holy sh*t.

This is tickets to Brett's premiere.

We're going to this. This is what we've been waiting for.

We're going to take your new, sculpted hard body onto the red carpet.

Yeah, it's just some of the questions on the private-school applications are insane.

I mean, "What leadership qualities "does your five-year-old demonstrate?"

We could tell them that, uh, Sophie once got all the girls in her class to show their vaginas to each other.

Do you remember that, Sophie?

Mm-mm.

Oh, you don't?

Michelle: Yeah, you do.

Selective memory.

Look, I know the whole private-school application process is crazy and...

But don't you want her to be in a community with different kinds of people and kids of different colors and economic backgrounds?

I... look...

It's exciting to me.

I love that idea...

Hey, Brett!

Package came for you. It's tickets for your premiere.

Oh God.

Michelle: Oh!

They invited you. What did I tell you?

I really don't want to go to this tonight.

I really... I work with these guys all week.

Can we just hang out together as a family and chill?

Maybe you need a tickle.

Why do I need a tickle?

He's grumpy. Do you need a tickle?

I don't think it's tickle time. I don't need a...

Oh, no!

Look at this grumpy face.

No, no!

Tickle time.

Oh, really? I can do tickle time too.

Michelle: Not for me. I'm not the grumpy one.

Brett: Oh, do you want to go to the party?

Seriously, will you come and get my back, please?

Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Mama's gonna go to the party.

I think we should all go.

Well, we only have two tickets, so...

It's not a problem. Honestly, trust me.

Okay. Guess we're going to a party.

(knocks)

Yes, come in.

Come on.

Wow! All right.

So Tina and I bought these today at Diesel.

But maybe I'm fatter at night than I am in the morning.

I mean, look at this. I mean, I got...

I got a muffin top here. Looks like I f*ckin' swallowed a basketball.

I think that that kind of constriction is dangerous.

And I think you should put some slacks on.

Tina said these are stylish.

Don't let Tina do this to you, okay?

Just be normal.

Do you want to borrow something?

Huh?

Oh God, this is...

That can...

Are these... are these Spanx?

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Please don't do that to yourself.

What are you doing? We gotta go.

Just give me a second. Give me a second.

Tina, you look nice.

Thank you.

(phone beeps)

Oh.

What's up?

The babysitter got stuck at work and she has to cancel now.

Oh, sh*t.

Honestly, we can just stay home.

I don't really need to go to this thing. Seriously.

Whoa, whoa whoa. No, dude.

No, Brett.

Yes, I understand, but...

Listen, you should do it. You should go.

You really should.

Well, who's going to watch the kids?

I'll stay here. It's fine.

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah.

I'll watch the kids.

(laughing)

What?

(distant siren wailing)

Brett, do you know Larry Kozinski, the producer of your show?

Uh, no, he wasn't really around. Why?

He produced a bunch of great Tom Hanks movies back in the day, and I gotta meet him tonight. He's, like, my mark.

Your... your mark? Are you in, like, a heist movie?

What's going on?

We'll get him. We'll find him.

No, I just, you know, I want to meet him.

Look, you guys are freaking me out, okay?

This... what's happening... we're not doing that in there.

Relax.

No, no... this is my job.

(humming)

Delicious!

Delicious.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, guys.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

I thought you were working.

No, I got my shift covered, so...

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

You're good to go. Let's see you, Frank.

Come here. You have fun.

We're gonna party it up here.

Okay.

Yeah.

I guess I could still make it. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Definitely.

Okay, come in.

Go get dressed.

(cameras clicking)

They're definitely checking tickets.

Someone just got rejected.

There's no one on the red carpet right now.

We should go up there.

No, no, no.

Dude, no. Don't even think about that.

Why? Why?

Because we're not famous.

Yeah.

They don't want us there.

So what?

You pretend to be a movie star.

I'll pretend to be your manager.

I don't even know what the story's about.

Really? Do you really want to...

You're...

All right. It's, you know, she gets r*ped in a canyon.

There's a cop who gives her her female power back with a big twist, and it's terrible, so...

r*pe, cop, twist.

Got it?

Yeah.

Come on, let's do this. You got to step up to the plate.

Let's go.

Man: Can I get a picture?

Whoa, right there.

Excuse us.

Hi, how are you? We have Alex Pappas.

Okay, let me just look for a second.

Sorry, I'm not seeing that name. Would you mind stepping back...

You didn't even look. Could you just take a look?

I have...

Have you seen the movie?

He should be.

I'm not seeing it. Can you stand back?

Oh, hey, Caroline! Hi!

Excuse me, ma'am?

Get in there.

Photographer: Sir, move out of the way please.

Sir, move out of the way, please.

Photographer #2: Get your big head out of the sh*t.

Your head is in the sh*t.

Clear out, please.

Photographer #2: Dude, move!

Photographer: Goodbye.

Photographer: Goodbye. Gabrielle, over here.

Gabby, Gabby, good.

This is Alex Pappas!

Excuse me.

This woman wants to talk to you.

Who did you play in the show, Mr. Pappas?

Uh, a r*pist.

Ooh, wow.

Yo, dawg, you did it.

(laughing)

I just lied to an old lady.

Stop worrying, we're in.

You walked the red carpet. You got your picture taken.

This is awesome.

Okay.

The police are looking for you guys, just so you know.

Tina: This guy needs a drink. How about you?

Sure.

Awesome.

She's a crazy person.

She's a lunatic.

But, uh, I think it's working.

So I think I'm just going to go with the flow.

I don't want you to witness it.

(laughs) Okay, all right.

Um, so maybe we should just split up and then we'll meet later?

I hear you. Look, I gotta go make amends with this director douchebag, so let's just go be gross and not have to look at each other while we do it.

All right, I'll be fine.

All right, love you, dude.

I love you too.

(car beeps)

(people chattering)

(car beeps)

♪

Another?

Sure.

Meeting someone?

No.

You know, it's been so long since I had a night to myself.

So I just thought I would see where the night takes me.

Got you.

Did you want the hummus toast?

Um...

Yeah. What is that that they have?

That's it right there.

That's it?

It's world famous.

Yeah, it looks good.

Okay, sure.

Yeah, cool.

This is insane!

I know.

Everything's free.

Yeah, I know.

I mean...

He looks more intimidating in real life than he does in pictures.

Who?

Larry the producer.

Where?

The guy with the salt-and-pepper hair.

He's talking to the lead actress.

Let's go.

No, no, no, he's in VIP.

So?

There's important people over there.

We need to wait till he's isolated and maybe a little more drunk.

He's got more hair in his eyebrows than I have on my head.

He's on the move. Let's go.

No, no, no.

Yes.

I don't want to...

Yes!

Get your sh*t together.

Come on.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

(rock music playing)

Larry.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh! Bob!

How's it going?

It's great to see you.

Bob: Great to see you.

I got this movie thing I wanted to talk to you about.

Larry: I'm not gonna touch movies.

The last one I had was a $200 million indie.

I think I lost money.

I can't argue with you there.

You know, I got this TV thing I wanted to talk to you about it.

It's a reality documentary-style thing. Are you with me?

You know, not so much.

No, I hear you. You're looking good.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Take care, Larry.

See you, buddy.

The strawberries are really plump.

I bet you they're organic.

Oh!

I'm so sorry.

So sorry. I'm so sorry. I ran right into you.

Did I get you?

No, I didn't get anything.

Okay.

Um, are you okay?

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm sure it was my fault.

No, I think it was mine. Sorry.

Thank you.

What was that?

What do you mean what was that? What was that with you?

I was talking about the strawberries.

Yeah, "the strawberries are probably organic."

Yeah, they probably are. They're really plump.

And you decided to physically as*ault him?

It wasn't an as*ault. I was just trying to keep him here because your "organic strawberry" line wasn't exactly...

I just need to eat one thing to regroup...

No, no, no. No! I said... hey.

Hey, I said no.

Gabrielle: Anyway, it was good to see you.

Thanks, Gabrielle.

So nice to see you, hon.

Good to see you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, man, how's it going?

Good.

Um, congrats on the show.

It looks fantastic. You did a great job.

Thank you, brother. I appreciate it.

Real quick, before you... I wanted to...

I just wanted to clear the air. I wanted to apologize.

I really misbehaved last week.

And I want you to know I respect your work.

I would love to do it again.

Oh, thanks, man.

No, I appreciate it.

And, um...

It's so good to see you.

Hey, real... um, sorry, I don't mean to interrupt.

What is it?

Do you... I just want to make sure you know who I am. I'm Brett, the guy from the sound mix.

The guy who was... I played those coyote tracks.

And I just wanted to make sure you... you know.

I just wanted to clear our air, 'cause I would love to work with you again.

If... you know.

(whispering) Get the f*ck out of here.

Man, I'm just trying to, like, apologize to you.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Get the f*ck out of here!

Sorry, guys. I was just joking.

(laughs)

Okay, okay.

(imitating coyote sounds)

You know, I'm just kidding.

Okay, I got it.

I'm kidding. I'm f*cking with you.

It's all good. It's all good, it's all good.

Coyote-loving m*therf*cker.

(phone clicks)

(tapping)

(phone chimes)

(tapping)

'Sup?

Hey.

Can I bum a smoke from you?

Sure.

Thank you.

Here.

Hey, Miguel, your mom looks hot tonight.

Shut the f*ck up, Adam.

Adam: Look at her. She looks good.

Dude, doesn't she look hot?

Michelle: Adam?

Yeah.

Come here.

You want me to go over there?

Yeah.

How can I help you?

(boys laughing)

sh*t, man.

That was sick.

Adam: She just, like, blew it right in my f*cking face.

Just calm down, Jesus.

Listen.

If you get cancer, I'm really sorry.

Really?

It's gonna be sad.

It was nice to meet you guys.

Thank you, Miguel.

Yeah.

Have a good night.

You too.

Larry: Hello? Is anybody out there?

Hello?

Yes.

Ah, great.

Hey, buddy, you think you could see if there's a... a roll of toilet paper in one of these stalls?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Larry: Oh, thanks, man.

(crashes)

Whoa!

What was that?

Uh, I got a nice big roll for you.

Here you go. You ready for it?

Uh, yeah.

Up top.

Just drop it.

Bombs away.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you're welcome.

It's actually really nice toilet paper.

They... you know, this is a nice place. They use double ply.

And it's quilted, you know? I hate when it's single ply.

You know? Your finger goes through and you get sh*t on your finger.

Ahem.

What kind of toilet paper do you have in your house?

You know, pal, could you just give me a little bit of... just a little bit of privacy?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Thanks for the T.P., pal.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Good... good luck.

Yeah, I think I'll be all right.

Jesus.

Man: There's a big empty hole in our community.

And if we don't do something about it, our kids are going to be even more disenfranchised and lost than we are now.

There's, like, bird sh*t all over the place.

(all laughing)

I mean, you got kids eating five-day-old sloppy joes.

Our public-school system is broken.

I don't think we can fix our old schools.

But I'll tell you what we can do.

We can build a new one.

Isn't a great school nothing more than a box and an inspired teacher inside of it?

We need a great charter school here in Eagle Rock.

Let's create a place for our children to flourish.

Man: Yeah.

♪

You know what? It's so crazy, when you were talking about the charter schools.

My daughter is going to start kindergarten...

Really?

...next year. Yeah.

And so we've been talking about, like, where is she going to go? What is she going to do?

And I was like, why is there not somewhere, like a community place?

Somewhere that I can put her and feel good about it, with, like, a lot of different people.

I don't want to have to put her in a private school...

Right, no.

...where she doesn't get to experience, like, what life is like where we live.

Exactly, exactly.

You know what I mean?

Right.

I mean, why is there not a great place?

Well, we'll make one.

Okay. (laughs)

Michelle: This is me, by the way.

I'm just right here on the right.

Ahem.

Perfect.

This is it?

Yeah.

Thank you.

(car turns off)

Thanks for the ride.

Glad I could help.

That's so great of you.

I'm just going to get my purse.

Um...

Oh.

Sorry, but why is the cutest thing I've ever seen in your car?

'Cause Lucy's the cutest thing you'll ever see.

Is that your daughter?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lucy and Esperanza.

Beautiful.

11 and 13.

Oh my God. That's amazing.

Wow, got a houseful of ladies.

(laughs)

Three against one. That's pretty intense.

Actually, it's two against one. I'm divorced.

Oh God, sorry.

No, please, don't be sorry.

We get along well. Like, surprisingly well.

And, you know, now I get to have the kids three, four times a week.

And I get to give them everything...

100%. And then she has them and she gives them 100%.

And then I'm at work doing what I do, and it just works out really great.

So... yeah. Well, good.

Um, it was so nice to meet you.

It was nice meeting you.

Yeah.

Right. Good night.

Okay.

Good night.

(techno music playing)

People are going in and out. They're not even checking.

We can totally go.

He saw me. He saw me.

He saw me. I think he's coming.

Hi. (laughs)

Are you okay?

Yeah, I was looking for your earring.

Oh, it's...

Oh, there it is.

There it is.

Thanks.

I'm so glad.

She dropped her earring.

Are you an actor?

Yes.

Um...

He's brilliant.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Um, uh, yeah.

Because... because this is getting weird.

Um... just that I'm a really big fan.

Of what?

Um, "The Greenest Grass," "The Time of No Reply," "Helplessly, Helplessly." I mean everything, really.

You have great taste.

And, um, I lost my virginity after watching "Into the Fire."

Well, that's the highest compliment you could possibly...

(all laughing)

I'm glad I could in some small way contribute to your life-changing event.

It was last week.

My work is done.

It wasn't last week.

(laughing)

I'm... I know.

Would you and your friend like to join me?

We really would.

I'm Tina.

Hello, Tina, I'm Larry.

So nice to meet you. I'm a big fan too.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, Larry, Alex. It's a real pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure is mine.

You know Richard Jenkins?

Of course, I've known Rich ever since the Trinity Rep days.

And believe me, he'd appreciate that compliment.

The moonbeams come out of your hands...

No, no, no, no, no.

...and your feet.

I'm not... it's not that good.

He's so brilliant.

No.

Yes!

Come on, give me a little Jimmy Stewart, come on.

Come on, come on.

Jimmy Stewart. The moonbeam!

(Jimmy Stewart voice) "What do you want, Mary? You want the moon? I'll throw a lasso around it, pull it down for you."

Oh!

I mean, you wouldn't have anybody talking about lassoing the moon.

No. They would just probably be blowing it the f*ck out of the sky or something like that.

Right, in 3-D.

"Look at the moon. Let's k*ll it."

(laughing)

As long as everything gets blown to sh*t.

(people chattering)

(bird singing)

(singing)

(singing continues)

(horn honks)

(laughing)

♪

Oh my God.

I can't believe this is happening.

How did this happen?

You. That's how it happened.

It is all you, pal.

No, we make a great team. We're like the Dynamic Duo, Wonder Twins or some sh*t. I don't know.

We're like... yes.

Oh my God, I keep forgetting to ask you.

What?

I have to go to Houston to get all my sh*t and bring it back here.

Will you come?

Yeah, yeah, I'll come.

Okay.

Yeah, that will be fun.

It'll be so fun!

(both laughing)

Oh my God.

How do I look?

Effin' amazing.

Am I holding up?

Yeah. How do I look?

You look great.

Come here, let me just fix this.

Thanks.

Crushin' it in those Spanx.

Yes. I can't feel anything below my waist.

(laughing)

Lord.

See you in a minute.

Okay, all right. Oh my God.

Thanks a lot, brother.

♪

(laughing)

Alex, get in. I think I just had a breakthrough looking at a bird.

I want to hear all about it.

But I have a situation right now.

What's going on?

Hey, it's Alex! Life of the party!

Larry.

I'll catch up with you guys tomorrow?

Tina: Cool?

Yeah.

Larry: Drive safe, fellas.

You too. Let's go.

(music playing on radio)

Hello?

Yeah.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

That's a lot of high pitch in there.

(laughs)

I don't know, man.

I... I didn't even realize it was happening, you know?

I kind of saw it.

You did?

Yeah, a little bit.

I'm sorry, man.

Yeah.

I'm such a f*ckin' idiot.

I feel really embarrassed and I feel really...

Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second.

(music continues on radio)

This song is called "Tom Sawyer."

And it is about a magical, amazing, and inspired person who lifts the spirits of everyone around him by the very nature of who he is.

Tom Sawyer never needs to be embarrassed.

Okay?

Yeah.

Are we doing this or what?

Yeah.

Yes!

(turns up volume)

(singing along) ♪ No, his mind is not for rent ♪
♪ To any God or government ♪
♪ Always hopeful, yet discontent ♪
♪ He knows changes aren't permanent ♪
♪ But change is ♪
♪

♪ And what you say about his company ♪
♪ Is what you say about society ♪
♪ Catch the witness, catch the wit ♪
♪ Catch the spirit, catch the spit ♪
♪ The world is, the world is ♪
♪ Love and life are deep ♪
♪ Maybe as his eyes ♪
♪ Are wide ♪
♪ Exit the warrior, today's Tom Sawyer ♪
♪ He gets high on you, and the energy you trade ♪
♪ He gets right on to the friction of the day ♪
♪

(music fades)