01x04 - Bad Parents

(Crows caw in the distance)

TV infomercial: Oh, those unsightly rolls... Oh, that unattractive austere diet...

Oh-ho-ho those stubborn thighs.

Say goodbye to ugly fat! Say...

Johnny: David? Can you come here please?

(Slurping)

TV infomercial: ...Exercise miracle you've ever seen!

David, can you come in here please?!

David: What?

Well, come in here and I'll tell you.

David: Well, why don't you just tell me from there?

Johnny: David...

David: You could've already told me.

I want to speak face to face.

Motels this size we're basically always face to face.

In the same room.

David: Why are you yelling? I'm right here.

I want you to move your clothes.

David: I did.

Johnny: Out of my closet.

You've got t-shirts on hangers.

I've nowhere to hang my clothes.

Well, put them over the t-shirts then.

Johnny: (Sighs) Moira...

Moira: Alexis!

No, no, it's David I want.

I need to speak with our daughter.

Johnny: Good luck.

(Loud) Oh my God! Where did you hear that?!

(Fast approaching footsteps)

Alexis: Yeah? What is it?

Moira: I need you to fill this out please.

Alexis: Fill what out?

Your community service papers.

As our only delinquent, I hope it's not asking too much.

I still have to do that?

Generally, that's how it works, honey.

When you break the law, you've gotta serve your sentence.

Well, it was one DUI.

Please, before I lose my mind.

(Sighs)

(Pages flap)

I don't get it. It's all done.

No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in.

Um... all that's missing is my middle name.

Then fill it in please.

Do I have to do that?

Why must you be so constantly irksome?

Do you not know my middle name?

Of course I do. I blessed you with it.

Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?

Alexis, do as your mother says, please.

Do you know my middle?

If I said, "Anna-"

I can't believe this.

Moira: Alexis... something rose.

We have so many disasters bombarding us right now, my dear, the middle name of an ungrateful child is hardly a priority.

David: Wait. Alexis has a middle name?

Why is this the first time hearing of this?

Do... do I have a middle name?

Johnny: Now you come into the room.

Moira: Have we failed them, John? I'm worried about our children.

Are we terrible parents?

Terrible parents?!

We sent them to the best boarding schools, we hired the best nannies... We did everything right.

I mean, they're not overly affectionate with us and, uh, there's a lot more disrespect than I'd like, but, uh, no, we're good parents.

But who are they?

Well, it might be nice to get to know them better, I suppose.

Wouldn't it, John?

But who has time amidst all this chaos?

Mm. I get it.

(Birds chirp)

So what's your deal? You're pretty.

What's that like?

Alexis: Um... it's good.

Yeah, lots of doors open up for pretty people.

Mm-hmm, clearly, as I register for community service.

So what'd you do?

Um... I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive.

In fairness, it did look a lot like, um, the entrance to a parking garage.

Uh-huh.

And I was high at the time.

Are you high right now?

No, I'm not.

Well, you might wanna be,

'cause this isn't exactly thrilling work.

And you won't be gettin' any chit chat from your buddy.

(Sighs) What buddy?

Ronnie: You're not the only druggy in town, Hun?

Mutt: Ronnie.

Ronnie: Mm.

(Loud clunk) Here's your garbage stick.

You use it to pick up garbage.

And here...

Oh no, I'm fine.

Thank you, that's very sweet.

Ronnie: This isn't say yes to the dress, princess.

Orange is the new orange.

Alexis: 'Kay.

David: Who needs 14 Grey suits?

What am I supposed to do with my dry clean onlys?!

Stevie: I'm still trying to figure out why you'd own more than one piece of clothing you can't put in a washing machine.

You try putting a cashmere sweater in the washing machine.

It'll bite your wrist.

That's a problem I'd like to have.

Are these all your clothes?

Yeah.

What's this, then?

That's a sweater.

It's one chromosome away from a crocheted blanket.

What?

It's... just your clothes, they're all kind of funky.

Funky?

Yeah. Funky.

Yeah, no, no, no. I'm just trying to figure out...

What about this... What about this is funky?

I'm just having a hard time understanding.

It's just, you know, like funky. Different.

Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop, next to a bejeweled iPhone case.

This... this... is luxury.

There's a lot of stuff here.

Have you ever considered selling some of this.

These are my things.

I've hand-selected each of these things; they mean a lot to me.

How much do you think I can get for this?

(Birds chirp)

Alexis: So you got busted for selling drugs?

Like hard drugs? Like...

Did you wear a Hazmat suit and... work in a trailer?

No. It was just weed and mushrooms, uppers.

Mostly to truckers and my high school teachers.

Mm-hmm. It's actually pretty clean around here, which is shocking considering the state of our motel room.

Speaking of unfit homes, why do you live in a barn?

What's wrong with living in a barn?

Mm... nothing, if you're a goat.

(Chuckles)

Mutt: Well, it serves its purpose.

It seems to... With the ladies.

That's just a joke.

I'm sorry for walking in on you and Twyla the other day.

Mutt: No, it's cool.

Alexis: So how long have you two been together-

Mutt: So, listen, I gotta take off for a bit.

I got this thing I gotta do. Can you cover for me?

Alexis: Um... I mean...

Mutt: Cool.

Alexis: Yeah.

Mutt: Thanks. Sorry.

Excuse me! What am I supposed to keep doing here?

I feel like we should break these into categories.

Um... fit, fabric, and nationality.

Stevie: Or we could do this.

David: I... um...

Stevie: Keep or sell?

David: Well, those are-

Stevie: Keep or sell.

David: Uh...

Stevie: Just keep or sell.

David: Sell. Sell them.

I got these at a showroom in Paris.

Stevie: I got these on clearance rack at Target.

David: $850.

Stevie: 850 what?

David: Eight hundred-

Stevie: Dollars?!

David: $850 dollars.

Stevie: $850 dollars?

These are a collector's. There's a woman in Paris that makes them by hand, so...

My car's worth less than your pants.

Well, I've seen your car and that makes sense to me.

(Clears throat)

Stevie: Okay then. Right.

We'll try to get $850 dollars for your pants.

Keep or sell?

I don't know.

(Bushes rustle, frustrated grunts and groans)

(Cicadas drone, birds sing)

(Gasps)

Oh...


(Door clicks open)

(Alexis grunts, running footsteps)

(Truck door bangs shut)

(Music plays quietly)

You know, I think the reason our kids are so casual with us is because they think of us as their friends.

Hmm, no.

Johnny: No, it's obvious. It's obvious, Moira, right?

Because we're hip parents.

Moira: Oh, John...

Johnny: And that comes at a price.

John, we're not hip.

I'm hipper than you but in our childrens' eyes we are the polar antonym of hip.

Well, somehow we've lost touch with our kids.

We've become complete strangers.

Twyla: Hey! Have we decided?

Just coffee, please.

Johnny: Uh... Twyla, do you get along with your parents?

Twyla: I did.

It's a little different now.

My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela.

And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.

I'm sorry I asked.

Twyla: Oh, that's okay! I'll get you your coffees.

(Diners murmur quietly, cutlery clanks)

(Cars rumble by the motel)

Johnny: Your mother and I have been talking and we've come to the realization that we've not been very good parents.

Moira: Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what's going on with you.

Johnny: We have no idea what. 'Cause she means no idea.

(Clears throat)

We have lost touch as a family and if we're gonna get through this ordeal together, we have got to get reacquainted.

Now, back at Rose Video, we had management retreats where we would play fun team-building exercises-

David: You also had company-wide spa days.

Why don't we try that?

Johnny: And one of the ice breakers at these retreats was a game that was always a hit.

And it was a game where somebody would tell a lie about themselves, and then a truth, and then another lie, and everybody would have to guess which one was the lie.

No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth.

Mm... which one was the lie.

David: It's just-it's just one lie.

Johnny: What did I say?

Alexis: You said two lies.

Johnny: Well, it is two lies.

Alexis: No, it's-

David: No, the game is "two truths and a lie."

Johnny: It's truth.

David: That's the game.

Johnny: So you've heard of it. You've heard of it.

Alexis: Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.

Johnny: Okay, whatever. It's a good game.

Okay? Now, here's how it goes. I'll give you an example.

David: Why don't I start? Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game.

So... here's a hint... Sadly, I'm not drunk.

Okay, wrong attitude. That's the wrong-right off the top!

Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn.

Um... okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with s*x.

Right idea, honey, but you know what?

It's gotta be more challenging for everybody-

Her eyes are aqua.

Johnny: You did what?

Alexis: (Laughs) I'm kidding!

I clearly would never bribe anybody with s*x.

Johnny: When were you in Thailand?!

I told you that I was on spring break.

Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.

How many people do you know that are currently in the prison system?

Is it like twelve...?

Um, I'm pretty sure just two.

Johnny: All right, that's enough. Good game.

Good game, everybody! Alexis you're grounded.

No! That was ten years ago, and everybody does dumb stuff in high school.

Johnny: You were 17?!

Did you know this?

As if. I don't do girl talk.

Alexis: Okay, everybody does dumb stuff everywhere.

For example, I saw Mutt today - the guy that lives in the barn - making out... with the mayor's wife.

Moira: What's-her-face?!

Mm-hmm.

And the homeless kid?

Mm-hmm. Guys like that will bone anything.

Well, not anything.

Stop.

'Cause that would mean...

Stop. Stop.

That would include...

Stop it.

You. Which it doesn't.

Don't.

Ew.

Johnny: You know, I remember when Alexis was just a chubby-faced little girl racing around the house in that banned babywalker, and now she's spending time...

(Inhales deeply) In a drug lord's trunk?!

Twyla: Oh, that is my favourite Liam Neeson movie.

Moira: Johnny. Johnny, look who's come in.

(Low hum of chatter)

Is it true?

Politician's neglected wife sleeps with a ranch hand.

Moira: I love it.

Johnny: He's not a ranch hand.

He's a vagrant in a barn.

Moira: Hi there!

Jocelyn: (Surprised) Moira.

Johnny: Jocelyn. Hi.

Jocelyn: Johnny, hi.

Moira: You look amazing. Utterly alive.

I don't feel it. My lower back is completely shot.

Moira: Oh, dear. Why would that be?

(Blows out her breath) Age?

Even the slightest twitch in bed throws it out.

Moira: Perhaps a new position would help?

Would like to join us?

No, I ate already.

Couldn't put another thing in my mouth.

Johnny: (Chuckling) Well, that's... (Clears his throat)

Moira: Okay. All right then.

David: Oh my God.

Stevie: They sell all kinds of stuff.

Stevie: Hey, Wayne.

Wayne: Hey, Stevie.

Stevie: Um... so this is my friend David.

David: David Rose. What are your consignment percentages?

(Garbage bag rustles)

Uh, this is a thrift shop.

Okay. Do you have sales representative?

Who will be pricing these items?

Wayne: Uh... me.

David: Okay.

(Bag rustles)

Is there a problem, Wayne?

Wayne: It's just...

I can't really use any of this.

It's too, you know...

Funky?

Sure. Let's go with that.

David: Okay, let's take your oily hands off my clothes.

Stevie: You sure you can't take any of this stuff?

Some of this stuff's pretty good.

Wayne: Um... maybe we can use the sneakers.

David: Maybe the sneakers? This is French suede, with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay?

You've lost my trust and my business, so...

We'll be leaving now.

Stevie: Sorry.

David: What is this place?

What is this place?!

(Birds chirp, footsteps crunch)

(Garbage pickers stab)

Alexis: Ha!

(Garbage falls off) Ugh!

So... what happened to you yesterday?

What happened to me?

Yeah, I came back you were gone.

Well, I had to do most of the shift by myself.

So thank God I had my rape whistle.

Sorry. I had some stuff I had to take care of.

And did you get your stuff taken care of?

Yeah, I guess.

Alexis: 'Cause it... It seems to me like you get your stuff taken care of pretty regularly.

By multiple people, if you know what I mean.

Mutt: I don't.

Alexis: Look, I know you probably think that you're this handsome man around town who's like...

(Stabbing garbage) Handsome, mysterious... And handsome and homeless-y but you're better than that, you know?

Mutt: What?

Alexis: Like, I don't judge. Trust me.

I have been... I have been in the middle of some very messy group scenarios and I know how weird it can be, so...

Mutt: Are you okay?

Alexis: Yeah.

I'm just saying that your secret is safe with me.

Wink.

Let me just say, I get it.

How much can one person take?

Johnny: Well, may-maybe this is not our place, Moira.

Moira: And where does all that pent up energy go?

Jocelyn: I should go.

Roland: Hey...

Jocelyn: (Awkward) Hey.

Roland: Where have you been? I've been looking for you all morning.

Jocelyn: (Evasive) Around. Doing stuff.

Roland: Well, I tried calling you.

Jocelyn: I must have turned my phone off by mistake.

Roland: Joce, did you see him again today?

Jocelyn: See who?

Roland: Oh, geez, you know I told you, you can see him as much as you want, just don't keep it a secret from me, okay?

I wanna know everything you two are doing.

Jocelyn: Look, half the time I'm there he doesn't even want me there.

I just can't help myself.

Roland: Well, you love him.

Jocelyn: Yeah.

Roland: I love him too, but the kid's an idiot.

It's our son, Mutt. We're talking about our son.

Roland: Yeah.

Johnny: Oh!

Roland: Our son.

Moira: Oh!

Roland: You done with that? Got it.

Johnny: No, I wasn't. I wasn't uh...

Yeah, he turned into a real nutbar.

Doesn't drive in cars, he won't use anything plastic. (Chuckles)

Good luck with birth control, right?

Jocelyn: And then we see you with your kids and you're so... together.

What's your secret?

Moira: Listening is so very important.

Johnny: So important to listen... To your kids.

Jocelyn: See, Roland? Listening.

Excuse me, I listen to the kid.

If he'd listened to me, he wouldn't be sitting in a hut, making his own underwear.

(Birds chirp)

(Door opens)

The Internet is a breeding ground for freaks.

What're you doing?

Well, I just "sold" a pair of sunglasses on here and now dieforfash87 is telling me she won't pay 'cause she thinks they're fake.

Stevie: Okay. Um... How about we move away-

David: No! I don't even wanna sell these things.

These clothes are all that I have.

Everything else has been taken from me.

Well, you have your family...

What's your point?

I am having a very hard time right now dealing with the idea that people think that my things are worthless,

David: Or funky, or...

Stevie: Sorry.

...fake.

Does it look like I shop on Canal Street?

No...

Okay.

People here don't know anything, okay?

Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner for a living.

Well, that's not surprising.

You're playing to the wrong crowd.

You're-you have great clothes.

I like some of this stuff.

Like... like this. Like, I like this.

Ooh! Ooh...

I like this.

(Thinking) This gives me an idea.

So why would I sleep with my mother?

Alexis: Well, now that I know that she's your mother, that makes a lot more sense to me.

And you normally go around spying on people?

Um, you left me here to be abducted by long haul truckers. I just went to find you.

So why are you sneaking around with your mom anyway?

What's the big... secret?

It's my dad. We don't really get along.

He really takes the whole mayor tradition in the family thing seriously and I'm just not that down into labels, you know?

Alexis: "Labels?"

Mutt: Yeah.

And you wonder why I make fun of you.

Oh, and you are totally in sync with your parents?

Um... yeah, because they always wanted a daughter with a record, who dropped out of college, so...

Pretty much delivered on that one.

(Bags rustle)

Ugh!

Oh! (Running footsteps)

(Door opens)

Stevie: Okay, this is gonna cheer you up.

David: (Panting)

So I thought you might be lonely without your clothes.

So if this isn't too dirty for you, I could help take care of your stuff.

David: Wait, you wanna have s*x with me?

Stevie: No. I don't think anybody has s*x in here unless they're being paid for it.

I thought this might be a good place to store your clothes.

Is this a safe place?

Yes. I'm the only with a key. But there's a catch.

I get to wear whatever I want, anytime I want.

Fine.

Wow! Our son's clothes are no longer in our closet.

Something I said finally got through.

David: I just found somewhere else to put them.

Johnny: I can't hear you from in there.

David: (Yelling loudly) I found somewhere else to put them!

Well, subconsciously I got through.

David? Alexis? Can you come here please?

Woman on TV: Oh, I don't know. Maybe the text I got from her saying you left your ring in the sauna...

David?! Alexis?!

They're not going to come, dear.

Johnny: Well, how widespread is that news?

Woman on TV: I can hear the (Unclear) Deal sign.

Talk about salacious!

Man on TV: He had long day at work. I ran into Tanya on the street.

He cut off his what?!

Alexis: Wait, what? - Johnny: Okay.

David: How did it happen?

Johnny: Look, I just, uh... I just want to make sure that, uh, you know, we're all okay.

What were we not okay about?

Johnny: About your mother and me feeling disconnected from you two.

David: We are literally connected by a door that does not lock.

How much... how much more connected do you wanna be?

Emma. Your middle name is "Emma."

Alexis: Is it?

Johnny: So, we'll keep working away at this.

I'm sorry! No, Hannah.

Alexis: I'm embarrassed for you.

Well, that's that then.

Elspeth.

Alexis: No!

David: Wow.

I think it's Elspeth.

Alexis: It isn't!

I should know!

Wow.