01x06 - Wine And Roses

Johnny: Hey, Moira, could you turn that down please?

Important call coming through.

Stevie says it's the guy from the winery.

Hmm.

(Sighs)

(Phone rings)

Hello, Johnny Rose.

(Phone continues ringing)

Hello? Hello?

Ah.

(Door opens)

Stevie?

Stevie: I put it through!

Johnny: Okay.

Moira: Who is it?

Johnny: Herb Ertlinger.

Excuse me?

Herb Ertlinger from the winery.

He's the only guy that's gotten back to me on my proposal (phone starts ringing) And-and now the ph- (picks up)

Hi! Hello!

(Phone continues ringing)

(Yelling) There's something wrong with the phones!

Moira: John, have her patch it through to the kids' room.

(Yelling) Yeah, patch it through to the kids' room!

Stevie: Okay!

Very good suggestion!

(Knocks on door)

Kids!

(Phone rings in kids' room)

David, answer the phone!

He has his headphones in; He can't hear it.

Then you answer it!

Alexis: Okay!

(Phone continues ringing)

Hello?

Alexis, could you open the door, please?

(Rattling door handle) I'll take it.

Alexis: No, sorry, you have the wrong room.

He's actually in room 6.

Johnny: Alexis, unlock the door please!

Okay! No problem. Bye.

He's gonna call you back in your room!

No!

(Phone starts ringing)

Hello?

(Phone keeps ringing)

(Birds chirp)

David: Can you get a heart murmur from a lack of sleep?

Because I have not slept since we've got here and I think my body is shutting down.

Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually know very little about heart murmurs.

Well, I have one.

Uh, the pulse is very irregular.

Honestly, David, I have tried to find my pulse like a thousand times and nothing. So don't worry about it.

David: No, this is very serious!

My heart has not rested in a long time, my immune system is very low, I have not been able to find kale anywhere here- how long are we going to be talking about you for?

I think I'm having a heart attack, is what's happening!

David, you are like 34.

I'm basically 29.

Oh my God, you are overreacting.

I think you're gonna feel very guilty when I slip into a coma and you have to come visit me in the hospital at hospice.

Well, I'm gonna go for a jog, so don't die until I get back.

Well, how long are you going for?

Um, I don't really know. How long are you gonna be like this for?

Don't be a little b...

Bye!

When I'm this state!

(Door bangs shut)

(Birds chirp)

Herb Ertlinger: Now, it's fruit wine, which is exciting in itself.

But the thing we're most proud of is that our fruit is 100% insecticide free.

Johnny: Ah!

Moira: Mm!

Mm! Mm. (Spitting something back)

There's something in mine.

Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones.

(Phone rings) Excuse me.

Herb Ertlinger...

No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth.

It's fruit wine. Whoever heard of fruit wine?

Doesn't matter, it's a business. I'll make it work.

It's next to a landfill, John.

He said former landfill.

Herb Ertlinger: Sorry. I was looking into a new sprayer.

And I brought you this...

It's our Cabernet Merlot petit grenache.

Moira and Johnny: Oh!

Sounds delightfully busy.

You know, uh, Herb, if you need any help with distribution, I have extensive contacts in that area, or if it's operations management...

Johnny, while I appreciate that offer, it's actually not your help I'm looking for.

Oh.

No. It's you, Moira.

We were hoping that you will be the spokesperson for Herb Ertlinger fruit wines.

I-I don't understand.

My wife and I were such big fans of "Sunrise Bay."

And we would be an honoured to have you do just a few commercials to promote our wine.

That is, of course, if you like it.

Like it? It's fruit wine. What's not to like?

(Door opens forcefully)

So, an hour ago, I thought I was having a heart attack.

Stevie: Oh no!

David: Yup, yup. Yup.

Um, but I'm not.

Oh, phew!

According to Web MD, I'm having a pulmonary embolism, which is much, much worse.

Well, you look good.

That's... just the way I look.

I need you to take me to a hospital right now.

Yeah, the only hospital's in Elmdale.

You're telling me there's no doctor around here?

People just drop dead in the streets out of sheer neglect?

Well, there is, technically, a doctor.

Then, please take me to that doctor right now.

(Car rumbles by)

David: I'm just not sleeping.

I think there's a lack of oxygen getting to my heart because I'm feeling very suffocated.

Vet: Okay, right. Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.

What?

Kidding.

Take a deep breath for me.

(Inhales deeply)

Good.

Now, have you been around any feces in the past two days?

(Snorts)

I don't n...

Vet: So, no.

No.

Okay. Well, the good thing is, I don't think that you need an ambulance, David, because what I think is happening here is you're having a panic attack.

Oh no, those... Those aren't real.

Those are a PR spin for celebrity publicists.

Trust me, I've known enough celebrities.

No, it's absolutely a... A real thing.

Uh, tell me, have you had any experiences lately that have caused you... Stress or anxiety?

David: Uh, well, I went from living in a 25 hundred square foot Soho live/workspace to a motel room with my sister.

Wow. Eek. That'll do it. (Chuckles)

"Hello, I'm Moira Rose for Herb-"

"Oh, hi! I'm Moira Rose for Herb Ertlinger wines inviting you to try our latest offering, a fruity cab franc we call...

We call Herb Ertlinger's fruity cab-"

Oh, no. No, no, no. No good.

Uh...

"Smokey tannins infuse this rich blend with a plummy bouquet."

"Plummy bouquet"? Is this guy for real?

His turns of phrase leave much to be desired, but the wine is potable.

You called it liquid stink this morning.

The whites seem less stinky.

How about this tote bag?

Two-ply toilet paper has more heft.

I'm sensing negativity, John.

Is this because he did not take you up on your offer?

Are you kidding me? Come on!

Hey, I haven't even given that guy a second's thought since I got home.

I was doing him a favour, that's all.

I don't want him tarnishing your reputation.

I mean, have you read the literature?

Look at this.

"The maximum benefit of the peachafication process."

"Peachafication!" Who uses a word like "peachafication"?

A moron... would use that.

That moron is the first moron to offer me an acting role in a very long time.

Well, he's lucky to have you.

John, this commercial, in the right hands, could be...

I don't want to use the word "comeback," that's... I don't wanna jinx it, but...

John, no one knows the business better than you do.

Oh, honey, I'm just the money behind the scenes.

Not that I don't have a few company commercials under my belt, but...

If you want me in your corner, I'm there.

Oh, John. (Kiss) Thank you.

I'll do what I can.

Thank you.

But seriously, how cheap ass is that bag?

Alexis: (Eyes shut) Ew, ew-ew, ew, ew!

Mutt: You have to open your eyes to get it in the bag!

Alexis: Ugh! Good. Ugh!

So can I ask you a question?

(Thunder rumbles)

Why do you always get dressed up to do this?

I mean, it doesn't seem very practical.

Alexis: Naomi Campbell wore Dolce & Gabbana couture to her community service.

And just because she was picking up roadkill did not mean that she needed to look like it.

And I just always really admired her courage.

(Garbage bag rustles)

Um... I didn't understand a word you just said.

Besides, it's nice to uh... Change clothes every once in a while.

Something you might wanna consider doing at some point.

I change my clothes.

They're just all the same.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

(Loud clap of thunder)

Oh! Well, at least now they'll get washed.

(Rain pours)

Alexis: Agghhhh!

Mutt: Come on! Run!

Alexis: (Laughing)

(Surprised) What? It's actually nice in here.

Well, I'm not Valentino, but you know.

Okay, well, don't try and be funny about it.

It just happens naturally.

It's that um...

When a guy can pack his whole wardrobe into an overnight bag, you just don't really think that he'd be much of an interior designer.

Don't worry, they're fresh. They're clean.

Hmm. Ooh! Smell that rock-beaten freshness.

What?

It's just I do beat my laundry against rocks.

You're a freak.

(Blows out his breath)

(Towels rustle)

(Inhales sharply)

Johnny: What uh... what kind of lens are we using here?

Director: It's uh... (Clears throat) It's a zoom lens.

Oh, zoom! Good, good, good.

Yup, yeah.

Any primes?

Any primes? Using any primes?

Nah. Those are usually for feature films.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's just I...

What's the, uh, ring light situation?

Do you think we need an inkey?

Uh... I don't know, I don't know...

I... are we booming this... Today?

(Door opens)

Alexis: Ew! (Slams door)

David: Shhh!

Alexis: Why is it dark?

(Blinds scrape open)

It's like a witch's house in here, David.

Shush!

What's going on?

I am on day two of a panic attack and I have not slept at all.

Babe, you know that panic attacks aren't real, right?

They're just things that celebrities make up to...

No, I know. I thought so too, but they are real and I'm having one apparently.

Okay. Okay.

Well, while you were having your panic attack, I somehow agreed to attend a yoga class.

That might be a good thing for me.

Okay, well, I'm not gonna go though.

That might help me relax, might help me calm down.

David, I just said I'm not gonna go.

I don't wanna have to bring this up...

But it's my turn to take a selfish.

No, David, Yes, it is.

You selfished last time.

No. Dubai, 2010, I had to pick you up from that blind date that went terribly wrong.

It was a total disaster. It's my turn, and I wanna go to a yoga class.

Fine, I will go, but I am not happy about this at all.

Okay. Get off my bed.

Ouch, David. Ouch, David!

Alexis: Ugh!

David: Shut the curtains!


Moira: Oh, some people like to exaggerate, especially in our business.

Make-up artist: I dunno. A lot of people on set were saying it.

He's making people nervous.

I don't care what other's say. That's today's mantra.

Both: (Laugh)

You look awesome!

Oh... (Giggles)

Johnny: Hey! There she is!

Moira: Hi!

There's my TV star. Hi, sweetheart.

Hi!

Nervous?

No, I'm good.

Good! Don't want you nervous!

No.

Is that the outfit you're wearing?

Yes. That's the one you and I chose together.

Oh. It looks a little less flattering in the daylight.

Johnny!

No. I'm just saying, if there's another outfit-

No! There's no second choice.

Really?

No.

Oh, I don't know.

Young pa: Cheese tray.

Johnny: Whoa, whoa, cubby, what's this? Who ordered cheese?

Moira: I... I asked for cheese.

Johnny: Oh no, no. No cheese.

I don't think that's a good idea.

What about the melon?

You ordered melon?

No, I didn't.

No, well, let's see...

You know what? Looks a little soft.

Why don't we eighty-six that plate.

Johnny? Johnny?

Yeah?

Crystal, do you mind?

Yeah. Hey, crystal.

Moira: Speak to my husband.

Crystal: Hey.

Yeah... listen. The script, I wanna make a few line-

No! John, no more changes.

I was wondering if it might be better if you-

Just directed. Just directed?

Believe me, I tried. That didn't fly.

No. Went home.

Johnny: Went home?

Moira: Mm-hmm.

Why?

Because you're making me nervous.

And apparently you're making everyone nervous.

No, no, no. Honey, I'm just trying to help.

I'm just trying to be... You know, watching your back.

I know, John. You're so good at trying.

Now, I'm gonna call you as soon as I'm done.

Moira: Crystal?

Crystal: Yeah?

(Clears throat) Yeah, sure. Well, I can just uh...

Yeah, I'll just uh... go home.

Crystal: Bye.

Johnny: All right.

Moira: Bye.

Johnny: All right. Have a good shoot!

(Birds chirp outside, door closes)

Crystal: You look good.

Moira: No, keep working please.

(Birds chirp, gentle, calming music plays)

Oh!

Okay, I don't think I can do this.

There's a lot of people here.

Twyla: Hey! You guys made it! Amazing!

It's a pairs class, so partner up.

Okay, well, I'm not touching you.

Well, I'm not touching you.

Jocelyn: David, Hun.

David: Oh!

Jocelyn: Come join me.

David: Oh... Jocelyn.

Normally I do this with Roland, but he had a bad burrito so he's M.I.A.

Oh...

Trust me, that's good news for everybody.

David: I'm sure it is.

Twyla: And Alexis, you can join Mutt.

Twyla: Okay.

This is gonna be good for you. Just relax.

David: Oh, okay. All right.

Jocelyn: Okay.

Mutt: Hi.

Alexis: Hey.

Jocelyn: Ted told me all about your...

Nervous breakdown.

My... my what?

I was at the cafe. He didn't mention any names, but when he said it was someone "precious," I knew.

Clapper-loader: Slating!

Moira: ...Somehow.

(Clapperboard claps)

Moira: (Clears throat)

Crystal: Remember to smile.

All right, get out of there, ladies!

Thank you.

Director: And action!

Hello, I'm Moira Rose.

And if you like fruit wine as much as I do, discover a winery that pours care and craftsmanship into every glace.

(Gasps) Oh, I'm sorry.

I wanted to say glass, but I... was thinking case.

Director: That was great. Loved it.

Uh, same energy. Back to one. Still rolling.

Crystal: Check your teeth. Yeah.

Director: Outta there, ladies.

Still rolling... And when you're ready-

Moira: Hold on, hold on, hold on! (Clears throat)

Action.

Hello, I'm Moira Rose, and if you enjoy flute line as much as-

Director and crew: (Laughing)

Moira: What?

Director: Uh... you said "flute line."

Oh. Oh, that is funny.

Director: No problem. Uh... back to ones.

And when you're ready... Action!

Hello, I'm moina rose, and if you Li-

Okay, back to ones. Still rolling.

Moira: Why? Why?

Director: You said "moina."

Make-up artist: You sure did.

Moira: Are you sure?

Director: Yeah. Yeah, it's cool.

Moira: I'm good.

Director: That's great. All right.

Moira: Please, I'm good.

Director: Get outta there, ladies.

Moira: Please, yes.

Director: And... when you're ready, action!

(Silence, grass crunches underfoot)

Action.

(Birds chirp)

Action?

(Van rumbles to a stop)

Johnny: Well, thanks for the lift, Thomas.

You got it, Mr. Rose.

Voice 1: (Conversation over PA's walkie) Yeah, we're talking to her now.

Voice 2: Where'd she go?

Voice 1: Apparently she just locked herself in the bathroom.

He's gonna pull the plug on the whole thing unless, and I quote, "that (Bleep) Bitch gets her (Bleep) Ass out of the trailer."

Maybe I should get back in the car?

I'm guessing, yes.

(Car door bangs shut, van rumbles away)

Twyla: Rolling the shoulders back and down, lengthen...

David: It's just all these feelings of displacement, you know?

Like I've...

Jocelyn: Yeah...

I think I'm just having a very hard time adjusting to the overall aesthetic of the town.

Jocelyn: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

David: Um...

And it's just running through my head and I've been...

Jocelyn: Yeah, lots of talking. Lots of emoting.

That's good, David. Yeah. Um, have you tried s*x?

David: Excuse me?

Jocelyn: s*x puts me right to sleep.

You should have lots and lots of s*x.

David: Ugh...

Twyla: Now, with your partner's help, send your hips to the back of the barn and partners roll your biceps out and up, guiding the hips wide and back.

David: Is everyone doing this?

Jocelyn: Mm-hmm.

Alexis: Um, how's your back?

Mutt: It's good.

I mean, normally, it's a little tight, but...

Alexis: Yeah, it is. I mean I-I haven't noticed.

I have noticed, I haven't-

I haven't "noticed" noticed, so... (Laughs awkwardly)

Twyla: How're we doing here?

Alexis: Good. Super good.

Um... this is a very challenging...

Yoga class, Twyla. Thank you.

Twyla: Thanks! Yeah, so just hold Mutt's lower back here just to support him.

Alexis: Okay.

Twyla: Good.

Now feel the inner edge of the thigh...

Mm-hmm.

Let's bring it down... Oh, no!

Mutt: Oh!

Twyla: Mutt should support his own thigh.

Omigod! Omigod! I'm so sorry.

I'm sssso sorry.

It's okay. Yeah.

Wow, I'm so sorry.

(Birds chirp)

(Rattles door handle, knocks on door)

Moira? It's me.

Moira: (Drunkenly) Hi!

Johnny: You okay?

Moira: Yeah... I blew it, Johnny. I blew it big time.

Let me in, sweetheart.

Moira: Oh, I don't know how.

There's a knob on the door.

Moira: No, I mean I don't know how to do this anymore!

I'm no good!

(Loud thunk, door pops open)

How did you open the door?

I threw a shoe.

(Sips wine, door bangs closed)

This wine is aw-ful! Give me another glass.

Well, I think maybe we've had... Enough wine, sweetheart.

I, I can't feel my tongue.

But I know it's there because I'm talking.

Moira, you should hear what they're saying about you out there.

You are doing great.

No. No, John. No.

No, John, I ruined it. I ruined everything.

No, no, you didn't.

I did!

No, sweetheart, I ruined everything. I ruined it.

You did. Why... Why did you ruin everything?

Okay, well, let-let's not focus on me right now.

The important thing is, you've gotta get back up and you've gotta get out there.

(Whispers) I can't. Can't.

You can! Moira, remember "Sunrise Bay?"

You were drunk most of season three...

And half of season four.

End of season five.

I'll have to take your word for it.

Did I used to have a drinking problem?

The point is, you can do this, Moira.

You're radiant. You're beguiling.

You're daytime television's brightest star!

(Makes slapping noises)

All you have to do is go out there and shine.

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna (Bleep) Nail it.

Okay.

Twyla: And on a big inhale...

Identify any tension you may be holding.

And on a big exhale, breathe it out.

(Breathes out) I burnt my sausage casserole.

I'm pretty sure I'm really lonely here.

Twyla: Now, with one partner on the ground, the other comes into a downward dog with hands on your partner's ankles.

(Partners shift)

David: (Snored inhale)

(Relaxed exhale)

In the... of a picturesque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies.

(Overly bright) Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you love fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak chardonnay, and the dazzling peach cral-bapple to his Riesling rioja.

Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine.

You'll remember the experience and you'll remember the name.

Herb erfling... Ger.

Burt herngeif.

Irv herb-blinger.

Bing livehaanger.

Liveling. Burt herkurn.

Ban-(Annoyed sigh) Bingo ling-(Bleep)!