01x07 - Turkey sh**t

[bunniefuu]

(Purposeful footsteps)

(Knocking)

Don't judge me for what I'm about to ask you to do.

Come inside, please.

What're you about to...

It does not matter. It doesn't matter.

What?

That.

That's why you called me in here?

Yeah, look at it!

I'm looking.

No! Look at it.

Uh, it looks like a bug...

Yeah.

Trapped under a glass.

I Googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket that "takes chunks out of your skin when provoked."

Chunks is the word that Google used.

You Googled a bug?

Yeah. I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons.

I have this irrational fear they are gonna crawl into my mouth and nest at night, so...

So, what do you want me to do, k*ll it?

(Sighs) No, I think I just need moral support while I slip a piece of paper under the glass with the bug and take the trapped bug and walk it outside.

Or we could just... k*ll it.

No, that's not the way to go. Oh! Oh my God! It's fleeing!

Whoa, it's fast!

It's fleeing into the bathroom.

That's why you use the cup method, because you'd keep it contained!

Now it's just all out!

Well... I guess I don't even need to be here.

Well, it's h...

Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness Waiting for nightfall.

I... I can't... I can't sleep here. I can't sleep here.

Not with your mouth open anyway.

That's not a nice thing to say to me.

You know, sometimes I forget what life was like before I knew you.

Okay, bye-bye! Bye. Yup.

'Kay. Hope you catch it!

(Door shuts heavily)

I can hear it. I can hear it.

(Shower water turns off, water drains)

(Tapping)

What the hell?

Hey! Where's my towel?!

John?

Johnny?! Where's my towel?!

Anyways, I asked this kid to come to the front of the class and solve this math equation and he was "pitching a tent." (Laughing)

He had a boner!

Oh.

And then I was thinking, these are young boys, these poor kids, and it can't be easy having a teacher like myself, so...

Mm...

What was your question again?

You know, it's been so long I can't remember.

(Door bursts open)

There you are, John! Where did my towel go?

Moira! Nanaimo bars.

Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch, so I thought why not share the wealth?

Well, what a lovely gesture, huh, Moira?

John, I had towel and now it's disappeared!

There's a towel on the back of the door.

No, that one has dirt on it!

That's not dirt. I used it to k*ll a bug.

(Moira screams in anguish)

I'm sorry. I... I guess I'm stressed.

Morning, Jocelyn!

You know, Moira, you ever need to just go somewhere to unwind and have some pampering, I know a great place in Elmdale.

Let's not and say we did.

You know, honey, a little pampering might not be a bad idea.

Could alleviate some of that weight your carrying around.

So now I'm fat and stressed?

Emotional weight. Emotional.

John, go find a towel now, please, or I will strip out of this robe and I will air dry in the street!

Okay, well, I'm just gonna go home. Sorry.

No, no, no. I didn't say I didn't want them.

Thank you. (Door closes)

A little pampering. Great idea.

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

(Truck zooms by, "Open" sign squeaks)

Hey, Twy. (Sighs)

(Twyla takes customer's order)

Um, Twy...

What is in the "Meadow Harvest" smoothie?

Uh... you know, it changes every day.

Just depends on my mood.

But it's all organic, earthy ingredients.

Okay, so it's like fruity or... ?

Yes, it is. Yup. At times.

And then other times, not.

Okay! Well, today, is it more fruity or more vegetably... ?

No, I don't know.

I've gotta check in the back and see what we have.

So Meadow Harvest doesn't refer to anything... in particular.

No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds.

It just changes everyday.

Mm... okay. All right. Well, I'll just um...

Do that that then... the Meadow Harvest thing.

Great!

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I just feel like I have to warn you, what you just ordered is gonna...

Run through you like Niagara Falls.

Excuse me?

Uh, she's a sweet girl but her smoothies are deadly.

Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little... backed up.

That's a lot of information.

I'm... I'm... I'm kidding. I'm actually not.

I've absolutely done that... With her smoothies.

So are you a doctor or... ?

I'm a veterinarian.

Oh! It's basically the same thing.

Ted.

Um... Alexis.

I know. Without sounding too forward, I've seen you around and uh... You know, I have to say, I think that you are the most beautiful girl this town's ever seen.

(Feigning humility) What? No.

I'm sure there's like another girl... somewhere.

No, I mean it.

Yeah.

Well, it's really nice of you to say.

I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

Oh!

I feel good about this one.

Yeah, it's a little less fruity but a little more... something.

Mm!

Mm...

(Giggles and spits)

(Mouths) Oh my God.

(Door opens and closes)

So... about the bug thing.

No explanation necessary. You've got a thing about bugs.

No, I don't have a thing about bugs.

It was one bug, and that bug was milky.

So... you're a man at one with nature.

Yeah. I could not be more at one with nature.

I do Coachella every year, so...

Mm. Oh! So you'd be... Into coming with me on the annual Turkey sh**t then.

That's something that should excite you.

What?

The Turkey sh**t?

Mm.

Roland's annual thing. We go out and we hunt turkeys.

Been doing it every year since I was far too young to be holding a g*n.

Yeah... yes. Yeah. Let's do that.

I was joking.

I have a strong feeling that would not be your thing.

And what do think "my thing" is exactly?

High thread count sheets?

Colognes that smell like fireplace...

Okay. Well, it might surprise you to know that I have more than one thing, so I will happily go with you on the hunt!

Nothing would make me more excited than to...

Go hunting for...

Turkeys.

Turkeys... with you, So... is this a tweed or a camo situation?

Okay, did anyone actually see this pillow come out of this container?

Seriously?! Go. To. Hell!

You're off... you're a fool!

Okay, Moira, why are we doing this?

Why don't we wait for the girl to come in and help us make the bed?

She never comes, John.

(Knock at the door, Johnny sighs)

No. Bastard. Bastard!

Jocelyn! Hi!

Johnny.

Oh good, you're here, Moira.

I was just booking myself an appointment with Janine at the salon and I said to myself, "wow, Moira really looks like she needs a pick-me-up," so I booked you a Mani too!

Little girls spa day on me.

Wow! What a nice gesture!

May I see a spa treatment menu?

Oh, well, it's just a salon, so they don't really do all that kind of stuff.

But she does give a mean scalp massage.

Really mean?

If you requested that, I guess, yeah.

Moira, this sounds too good to pass up.

Please, please do this, for me.

Let me rephrase that.

Do it for you because you deserve...

Yes! My answer's yes, Jocelyn. Thank you.

Yay!

Oh, yes.

(Birds chirp)

So, what're you doing tonight?

Making chili. Might do some laundry.

(Awkward silence)

A polite person would now ask me what I'm doing tonight.

That's what this is about? Sorry.

Um... what're you doing tonight?

Ted's taking me out.

Ted.

Mm-hmm. Ted.

I don't know his last name. The... the, um, doctor.

The vet?

Yeah, the doctor.

The animal doctor.

Yeah, we went to high school together.

I think you'd be good for each other.

Do you?

I think he has everything you're looking for in a husband.

A husband?

What am I looking for in a husband?

Money.

Hmm.

(Birds chirp, crow caws)

Did you know Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany?

So Ted's taking me to Antonio's.

What's Antonio's?

It's this little buffet restaurant in Elmdale, but he said that we could order off the menu.

Are you sure you wanna be traveling so far out of town with a person you just met?

I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so... I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

So who is this person?

Mm... he's cute.

And... And...

He doesn't have a trust fund, so, like, that's a refreshing change of pace for me.

Speaking of people without trust funds, what about that beardy thing that you spend time with?

What? Mutt?

Yeah.

No. Ew. It's not a thing.

Right.

I'm looking for Alexis.

Oh, you have a what?

(Gasps)

A thing with Alexis tonight?

Uh, a date.

I think that's Ted.

(Gasps) Why is he over there?

Because he knows how much I love it when mom and dad interrogate your boyfriends.

I wonder what they're asking?

No, David!

Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together?

Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school.

Oh... alcoholism.

No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends.

Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Hmm.

(Door opens) Okay. That's enough, everybody. Thank you so much. Hey!

Ted: Hey! Got the wrong room. Hi.

Yeah, you did. Okay.

Yeah. Uh...

Hey! I know you!

Yeah, no, Stevie brought you in to see me.

I had the pleasure of treating your son's panic att*ck.

So Antonio's buffet, huh?

So many choices, one little plate.

Okay, you know what?

Bye, guys. We'll see you in the morning!

"In the morning!" Very funny, Alexis!

Don't even think about it. Ain't gonna happen.

Ted, not on the first date.

Yes, sir.

Don't wanna k*ll the buzz, but have fun.

Alexis seems to have found someone to keep her busy.

What about you, David?

I'm gonna go to bed. I have to be up early I stupidly agreed to go hunting with Stevie tomorrow.

Hunting?!

Yeah.

Hunting?!

Yeah.

You said hunting?!

Yeah.

(Door closes)

Wow.

(Crickets chirp, cell phone alarm rings)

(Sighs)

Agh!

It's me!

Who is it?

It's your father!

What're you doing lurking in our bedroom?

I'm not "lurking" in your room. Your alarm is going off, you're not turning off your alarm!

sh**t!

You know, I'm telling you, I... I... I...

I'm not comfortable with you going hunting.

I don't feel comfortable with it either!

End. This. Now. Thank you.

All right, just be careful please!

Okay. Thanks.

You and your nightgown can tippy-toe back to bed. I'm late.

(Foliage crunches underfoot)

(Coveralls zip)

You ever k*lled before?

Have I ever k*lled before? No.

Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.

(Yelling) Turkey virgin!

Does this come in a slimmer cut?

Here. You can take this one.

It has a scope so you can see the head.

Okay! (Clears throat) Gather round, my sh**t.

Bob has a little prayer here he'd like to offer up.

Just a little convo with the big man upstairs for a second.

It happens every year.

Our God, in these times of need, our light in these times of darkness...

David, do you wanna...

Oh.

(Lid snaps, traffic rumbles nearby)

So is it, like, a small town thing to end the first date with a kiss on the cheek?

(Laughs silently)

What?

Nothing.

What?! It's not like it was a bad date or anything.

Well, it sounds like things got crazy.

Yeah! I actually introduced him to Beyonce on the car ride on the way home, so that was very special.

It's just, if the date's a success with me, I'll let you know it.

Okay... (Laughs)

(Car rumbles)

I mean, he might as well have shaken your hand.

Well, he did that too.

Hey!

Hey!

I thought that you could use a proper smoothie!

Well, lucky for you, we're just finishing up.

(Forced kiss)

Uh, hey, Mutt. Do you want a ride?

I'm good.

Are you sure? It's a long walk.

I like walking.

Suit yourself, bud.

So you don't mind wrapping up?

(Door bangs shut) Bye!

(Car rumbles away)

So how are your bowels? Good and tight?

Yes. Thank you for the concern.

Well, I just wanna make sure you got the stomach for this 'cause you, you kinda seem like an indoors-y sort of guy to me.

Mm-hmm.

You know, delicate. Fragile. Scrimpy.

Thank you.

Okay, get down.

(Grunting and sighing)

Have you ever held a g*n before?

Uh, yeah, but it wasn't this... heavy, which makes me think that Elton's was actually a toy.

All right, you gotta...

Treat it like it's a newborn baby.

Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me.

Oh, you got soft hands.

Okay, thank you. Thanks.

You don't have to do this.

Do what? Have fun?

Smell like manure? Get called "scrimpy"?

Who wouldn't wanna sign up for this?

Yeah.

(Diner door opens, music plays)

Oh, uh, Jocelyn, would you grab us a table while I speak with my husband, please.

Well, he should join us! And... between you and me, people are noticing you!

(Chuckles politely)

Excuse me, cowboy, have you seen my husband?

Oh my God. Oh, oh, oh... (Laughs)

Look at you. Boy, you look like...

Who? Who do I look like?

I wanna say Tanya Harding.

Do you? How about... ?

Jocelyn!

Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, that's right! Why Jocelyn?

Because everyone who comes out of that salon looks just like Jocelyn.

Wow! And is that you? Is that your... wig?

No, it's a dead possum. Yes, it's a wig, John.

Is she still looking at us?

Yes, she is. Yes. So what happened?

I can't believe you're wearing this.

This is what I get for being nice, John.

I'm doing this for Jocelyn because she paid for it, and it was her "little treat," and I didn't have the heart to rip it off my head much less torch it.

So, now, until I get in the shower, I'm stuck looking like every other inmate in this godforsaken prison.

She's coming over. I just told a joke.

You did? (Laughs) You did!

What do you think of your beautiful wife?

Well, which... beautiful wife are we talking about here, huh?

Oh... (Laughs)

Well, I can't tell you how freeing it is, Jocelyn, to... to try something new like this. 'Tis.

I mean, of course, as an actress, I can imagine what kind of sad character might...

But not necessarily.

Sad?! You think this is a sad look?

[Both] No! No.

Not the look. No, Jocelyn, I'm talking about the inner sadness that would come from... From living in such a...

We have to get drinks. Several drinks, don't you think? Let's celebrate!

Let's... celebrate drinking! Okay. (Awkward laugh)

(Turkey gobbles) Okay, David,

it's all yours. Aim for the face.

(Whispering) It's looking at me.

That's it. You're locked in. It's just you and him.

(Turkey gobbles)

Okay...

(Sharp inhale)

(Whispering) Just point and sh**t, David.

Hard to do when you're talking, Bob.

There's no one talking now.

Bob, you're talking.

What?

Stop talking!

Too much talking!

sh**t the bird, David! sh**t it!

Ronnie honestly, if you're not gonna sh**t it, I...

(loud blast)

(David gasps, horrified)

And... in the neck.

It's still moving.

Just let it bleed out.

You okay?

I feel like one of the Manson girls.

First time's tough.

Even tougher when you sh**t it in the neck 'cause then it takes longer to die.

Okay, not helping, Ronnie.

So, now what? Do we just...

Wait until its Turkey family comes and sh**t them too?

Hey, I think I see them.

(Turkeys gobble loudly)

No, no.

(Rhythmic knock at the door)

Yes! Heard you.

Jocelyn! Hi.

Hi.

I just wanted to say how fun it was to spend the day with you.

Oh, Jocelyn, 'tis I who owes you a big thank you.

I also wanted to apologize for Janine ruining your wig.

No, don't be silly. I was...

I was about to... Find a shower cap.

I know you hate your hair, Moira.

Almost as much as you hate this town.

But there's a possibility you could be here a really long time.

May I offer you something?

The people here are just trying to help you, and there'll be days when your wigs need conditioning...

Or one of your fashion-y blouses shrinks in the dryer, and you'll have to go to Janine's or get a shirt at the Blouse Barn, just like the rest of us.

And I would hate for that day to catch you by surprise.

I don't hate this town, Jocelyn.

It's just not mine, and this is not my hair.

I know. It's a wig.

It's not my style.

You? On you, it's adorable.

You have a look that says, "Hi. I'm Jocelyn, and I know who I am!"

For that, you're very fortunate. You are.

I don't who I am from one moment to the next.

So honestly, dear, I envy you, all right?

But if you ever... Ever catch me shopping at the Blouse Barn, you must sh**t me in the temple.

Promise?

Promise.

My son is hunting right now with your husband, so I... I know you people have g*ns.

What about what we just did, makes you think,

"yeah, you know what? I wanna do this year after year after year"?

Was it the lying in the mud part or was it... Wearing the clothes (Sniffs)

That smell like menthol cigarettes and body odor?

'cause usually it's more fun.

Usually Ray comes and... gets wasted and...

Spends the whole day singing Carole King ballads.

(Adjoining door opens) David, I...

Need a towel, please.

Is that a new wig? Because...

You are reminding me of someone.

Towel, please.

I need my towels. Uh, what... who did this to you?!

You went to Janine's.

Yes. Jocelyn took me to...

(gasps) Jocelyn! You look like Jocelyn!

Jocelyn. And what's your excuse?

Oh, um... I sh*t a bird in the neck today.

It was an indelible image that I had scarred in my mind until I saw what was... Happening up there with you.

(Stifling laughter) So... thank you.

I'm gonna get your towel.

(Sighs)