01x09 - Carl's Funeral

(Knocking)

Hi, Johnny. Can we come in for a moment?

Yes. Yes.

Thank you. Hello.

Oh, hi.

Is everything okay?

(Emotional) We've got some sad news.

Uh... someone very close has died.

(Winces) Sorry.

Oh...

You remember Bob?

No...

You broke into his cabin and had s*x while he and his wife were in the next room.

Oh... (Realizing) That's Bob.

Yeah, Bob, who was on the town council.

He's on the town council, yeah... Oh, Bob died?

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

No. No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died.

(Awkward silence)

I don't know Carl.

We barely know Bob.

Carl thought so highly of you, Johnny.

Oh... really. Well, that's nice.

No, I honestly don't know the man.

Well, understandably, Bob is uh...

Pretty broken up by all of this and he asked me to ask you if you'd be willing to um... be a pallbearer at Carl's funeral.

A pallbearer... Mm-hmm. at Carl's funeral. Well, I don't, um...

I, you know, I-I'm flattered.

It's-it's quite an honour to be-

I knew he would say yes.

Yeah.

And-and normally I would... I would.

I-I-I, you know, but my back. I have uh...

I... I-I have back issues.

Honey? You know, my back.

What?

The thing with my back.

Your back!

Oh, it's... it's terrible.

And his arms are so weak. Little muscles like corn nuts.

Yeah, yeah, we're just talking about my back, sweetheart.

It's awful.

I don't know what we're gonna tell Bob.

He's gonna be so disappointed.

Yeah... yeah. Well, life can kick you in the teeth sometimes.

Mm. Well, that's not gonna help Bob out too much there, Johnny.

Mm. Yeah. Shouldn't bother Carl.

(Baby wails outside)

(Car doors open and close)

(Bottles clatter)

(Screaming) I said bring the goddamn diaper bag!

Uh, babe, I'm getting the cooler right now in case you didn't notice.

Well, Denim has needed a diaper change since before we left the house!

Oh my God.

What?

Some townie douchebag is moving in next door.

They've got a baby.

(Loud blast outside, David gasps, terrified)

Agh! (Gasps)

Is there a gun?

(Baby wails)

(Frustrated scream)

(Bottle crashes and shatters)

Oh... no.

Jesus! What the hell did you throw that for?!

It's still too hot.

It's 20 seconds in the microwave not 20 minutes, you tool!

You've lost it. You've lost it.

What the hell are you so rattled about?

(Bag thumps loudly, baby wails outside)

What are you doing?

Um, I'm gonna go stay at Ted's because I've been on enough spring breaks to know how this is gonna end, and it's not... not good.

You're just gonna leave me here with these people?!

Yeah. Like I don't feel good about it.

Um, hello! Hello!

Is anybody in that hollow chest?

(Baby wails outside)

(Birds chirp)

(Door opens, door bells jingle)

Hey, Bob. How are you holding up?

Oh... you know. Not bad.

You know, they say death is just life except you're not here.

You're somewhere else, you know? But...

But that's okay because at least you're somewhere, you know? But when does...

When does somewhere become there?

And when does there become here?

And I... it Just, just a coffee, please.

For here?

Yeah.

Okay.

(Music plays quietly, dishes and cutlery clink)

(Gasps) Bob.

Hi, Johnny.

Oh, hi... hi.

You mind if I join you?

I could use a little company today.

Oh, no, no. You-you stay where you are and I'll... I'll come over there.

(Grimacing and grunting) Oh! Ooh, baby.

Ooh, wow. Ugh.

Yikes! That's... That hurts today.

Yeah, Roland, he told me about your back and I...

I am so sorry.

Well... well, I'm the one who's sorry, Bob.

You know, hearing about your, uh, brother... C-C-Chris-

Carl.

Carl. Yeah, he was a good man.

A good man. He admired you, Johnny.

And I him. Yeah.

And I him.

Listen, uh, I understand about your back...

Yeah... (Grimaces)

And... I was just uh.. Just wondering if, uh, maybe you could say a few words at the funeral?

(Coughs)

Well, the thing, uh, the thing is, uh, Bob, I-I-I don't feel I deserve that... honor.

Oh, see, I'm uh... I'm no good at these things.

You know, you, you're... You're polished.

You know, you're... You're well-spoken.

Oh no. No, no. Not really. Not really.

I mean, I'm good one on one, but not-not good in a public situation.

I clam up pret-pretty good.

As a favor, Johnny.

He must have had a few close friends, somebody that No one.

Well, sure. Sure. I can say a few words, Bob.

I'll say a few words.

(Music plays quietly, approaching footsteps)

Have you seen the couple that checked in?

They're like really scummy. Like... very skaggy people, who happened to produce a child that hasn't been taken away from them yet.

Imagine being related to them.

No, I can't. It's too early.

They're my cousins.

Oh! Well, the um...

The baby's relatively normal looking.

No, no they're definitely skaggy.

My God, they're so skaggy.

Hmm. Wait, so you're related to Carl?

Not genetically.

My mom's sister was married to Carl. Carl is Sean's step-dad.

And was that a factor in the cause of death?

I wouldn't be surprised.

They broke up just before Sean got Bree pregnant.

Or someone got Bree pregnant.

I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy when it comes to introducing men to her v*g1n*.

Mm. Charming.

(Car rumbles by)

(Bag thumps on chair)

Tell me it's not always this clean in here.

No, it's-it's always this clean.

Oh... it smells so fresh!

Uh... that's the Febreeze.

I was... I was eating Indian last night, so...

So much better than the motel.

At least you know what the smell is.

(Squeals happily)

(Kissing)

(Paws skitter across on floor)

Oh, ho-oh! Oh... (Laughs)

Hey, come on now, you two, Oh, hi! Hi.

Come on.

Hi there. Ooh!

Oh-ho-ho... there's a good girl. There's a good girl!

They're so...

Well, Macy and Fifer are just staying with me for a couple of weeks until they get back on their feet.

Isn't that right, Fifey?

Yeah, your worms are almost all gone, aren't they?

Yeah... Is that a diaper on that little cutie?

Yup. Oh! You know what though? Whoa 'kay. This is just... This is because she's... She's... She's scared right now.

But don't worry.

I can tell that you are gonna win them over.

Yeah... ?

Yeah.

I just-I haven't um... been... I haven't-I don't-

I'm not around dogs a lot, so... (Laughs nervously)

No, you know what? Don't even worry about.

Just... for tonight, think of them as... our kids. (Dogs pant)

Right? Oh yeah...

John, you're speaking at the funeral?

The man was weeping. What was I supposed to do?

You take his hands in yours, you look him in the eye, and say, "no."

What do you say about guy you couldn't care less about?

Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's funeral all over again.

Who's Gord what's-his-name? - Exactly.

He was some kind of crew-person on Sunrise Bay.

I made an obligatory appearance at the service and his hysterical girlfriend cornered me into saying a few words.

I didn't have a thought in my head, so I just stood up and sang "Danny Boy."

Not a dry eye in the house.

Huh...

(Crickets chirp)

God, I love this bed.

I'm so glad you're not my brother.

Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad about that too.

But let me assure you, tonight it is just you and me.

(Happy sigh)

(Kissing)

(Playful giggle, gasping)

(Kissing)

(Panting) Um...

Hey, the little guy is looking at us.

Oh, yeah, dogs sometimes do that.

(Kissing)

(Panting)

Um... maybe we could invite it to... go? Go away.

Oh, she's fine. She's fine. She's fine.

(Kissing)

(Collar jingles)

Oh, now you want in on the action, too, huh?

Okay, the... the big one is sniffing the diaper.

Does... does that mean it's full?

Okay.

What is... ?

Okay, you guys, just give us a little bit of time here and then you can come sleep with us, okay? Okay?

Okay, where were we?

Hmm...

Mm...

(Kissing, dogs start growling)

(Barking)

(Mouthing) Out! Out!

(Dogs continue barking)


(Loud rock music plays, people chatter and laugh)

Pass the chips!

(Beer bottles clink)

(Knocking)

Hello. Excuse me.

(Loudly) Excuse me!

Hey!

Excuse me!

Hey! Go.

Excuse me, hi.

Oh, Buttons, I don't think you're invited to this one, huh?

I don't wanna be invited to this one.

(Laughing) Hey, look who it is. It's your dad.

He's here to take you home!

Yeah, yeah...

Remember that?!

Yeah! (Laughs)

You remember that one?! (Laughing)

No.

I'm just pumpin' your tires, bud!

Okay.

Look, what you gotta understand is that my ex-stepdad just died, so we're here celebrating his life, okay?

Okay, you all seem very devastated by this.

I need you to turn-mm.

I need you to turn the music down, okay?

Because I-I'm trying to get couple hours... Sleep tonight.

Oh, sleep? Well, you know who's sleeping forever, bud?

Your ex-stepdad, yeah.

My ex-stepdad, yeah.

Yup, yeah.

Damn, that's sad...

Okay, thank you. If you could just turn it..

Are we out of mix?

Thank you.

Oh my God.

(Drunkenly) Don't...

Oh my... (Mouths) Oh my God!

I am so sorry. They got me...

(Drunk whisper) They got me wasted.

Mm-hmm. - I hate them, okay?

I hate them so much.

You smell... very flammable right now.

Yes, I'm sure...

I'm gonna need you to get them to turn it down, okay?

Yes!

Yeah.

(Music plays loudly, Sean laughs)

Hi, Denim.

Hi, sweetie pie.

David, I so sorry.

Johnny.

Hello, Bob.

Moira, so good of you to come.

John said we had no choice.

Listen, we have some good seats down front.

Oh, that's very nice.

Boy, what a beautiful day for a... funeral.

(Low murmurs, organ music plays)

Bob... in case I wanna mention this in my remarks, how-how did Carl go?

Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really.

Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan and... apparently it... It got knotted around his neck.

(Alarmed) What?

Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing would've come down, you know, keeping a fan and a body spinning up there for two days.

But uh... Carl found the studs on that one.

Oh... Yeah... (Chuckles)

That's craftsmanship.

Oh, yeah.

But that uh... That was Carl.

(Organ music plays, mourners murmur quietly)

(Birds chirp)

Do you even know what that stain is or... ?

Uh... I'm worried if I did, I wouldn't clean it up.

Why are you cleaning it up?

Sadly, um, I threw most of the broken glass you see here.

You were a bit of a mess last night.

They told you?

Oh, no, no. We had a full-blown conversation.

You were barely clinging to consciousness.

Oh. Sorry.

Did I try and make out with you?

Mm-mm.

Good.

But now I'm worried I made out with someone else.

Uh, it's kind of my go-to when I'm a little boozy.

Mm. Mine's shame eating, so yours sounds more fun.

(Laughs)

Huh. (Chuckles)

Um...

Is this your thong or... ?

Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl.

Uh, his was wrapped around the remote.

Don't worry, I threw out the remote.

Hmm.

Well, it looks like they have a side hustle.

Uh, I'm pretty sure she strips. Why?

Oh no, this is just a lot of um...

Yes, it is.

Marijuana. (Sniffs)

And if you're offering, my answer is yes.

(Bag rustles)

Thank you for that, Shannon.

Nothing says we'll miss you like an excerpt from "Breaking Dawn," one of Carl's favourites of the Twilight movies.

(Mourner cries, baby wails)

Now, to say a few words, I'd like to bring up a close friend and one of Carl's personal heroes...

(Baby wails)

Johnny Rose. (Mourners clap and murmur)

(Baby wails, mourner coughs)

Thank you... minister.

Carl...

What to say about Carl... ?

Once so full of life and now... lying... very, very close to me.

What a terrible thing death is...

And yet, for Carl, pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point.

(Mourner cries)

He-he was a- he was a man who loved...

A good sweater I'm told.

And-and he loved the feel of big tool in his hand, am I right, Bob?

And I wonder, when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan that he was so very proud of, was he ever thinking of this town... where he was born where he lived, and where he died... Where he died.

But I-I-I'm not up here today to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek.

(Cell phone rings)

I'm-I'm here-I'm-

(Phone beeps on) (Bleep!)

Where the hell are you, Sean?!

At a bar?!

If anyone should be in a bar right now, it's me.

(Baby wails)

(Bleep) Sean! (Mourners gasp)

(Baby wails) Excuse me.

Well... I-I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek!

I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here and how we might never escape this place, and how we do not wanna end up in a coffin, like Carl, here in this... godforsaken-

♪ Oh, Danny boy, ♪
♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪
♪ From Glen to Glen ♪

(Mourners join in)

♪ And down the Mountain side ♪

(making up lyrics)

♪ but God... ♪

(Birds chirp)

So... I'm sorry if, earlier, I wasn't sensitive to your animal issues.

And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.

Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that...

There'd be slutty little animals running around.

And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

(Laughs)

I just... I didn't know what to do because I love the dogs so much, but...

You know, I also really love...

The way that our relationship is going right now... so much.

Mm... such a sweet face. (Both laugh)

So, to get you more comfortable around animals...

Not a puppy, Ted! I...

No, that would be cruel to the puppy.

No, I got you... this.

"Opening your heart to animals: A guide to the benefits of caring for something other than yourself."

It's a very specific book.

You might wanna check out page 37.

(Pages flip)

(Whispers excitedly) Is it a credit card?

No. It's a room key...

To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale, and they have a very strict no pets allowed policy.

Well... it just so happens that I have packed my overnight bag.

Hmm.

Come here.

(Kiss)

Thank you.

No. Thank you.

No. Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you!

(Bird chirp)

You know where I got my hat, brah?

Where?

"Assholes' R 'Us".

(Both giggle)

(Laughing)

(Car doors bang shut outside) Oh! Ow!

(Baby wails outside) Oh! Oh my God.

Oh my God! We need to go.

We need to go! We need to go!

(Panicked whisper) I don't see it... I don't see it.

Let me see it- - Shhh...

(Keys jingle, lock tumbles)

(Panicked breaths)

(Door bangs shut, baby wails)

The (Bleep)?!

Shhhhhh! (Stifled laughter)

(Whispering) My hat.. I'm wearing it.

I'm wearing it...

(Stifles a laugh)

(Both laughing)

(Kissing, Stevie slams into door)

(Beer bottle scrape door, Stevie grunts softly)

(Panting and kissing)

(Crash)

So I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, God, what if die here?"

Mm. That was not lost on anyone.

Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches and make a gracious French exit.

Good idea.

Moira! Your "Danny Boy"... What a voice.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

I-I'd really like you to sing at my cousin's funeral.

She's not dead, but...

She's been coughing a lot lately.

Moira, before they close the coffin, One more chorus for Carl?

Please?

(Chuckles awkwardly)

(Mourners laugh and clap)

Take your time, honey.

(Clears throat awkwardly)

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh... ♪
♪ Oh... ♪ (Inhales deeply)

♪ Danny... ♪

(Silence)

♪ Boy... ♪

(Chewing loudly)

♪ The pipes, the pipes are... ♪
♪ Call-all-all-ling... ♪

It's our annual Hawaiian night.

Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards.

Oh, you, uh, roast pig?

We do!

So, who's pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?