01x11 - Little Sister

Moira: Agghhhhhh! (Bleep) me! (Bleep) me!

Johnny: What?

Moira: (Bleep) me!

Johnny: What?

Moira: John, there's something in the bed!

John: What?

Moira: Something crawled up my leg and I can't see it!

Johnny: What?

Moira: I can't see it!

Johnny: A spider?

Moira: No! Something invisible like...

Lice, or scabies, or... bed bugs!

Johnny: Oh, we don't have bed bugs.

(Knock at door)

Oh, John, I can't afford to burn all my clothes!

Oh, Moira, relax.

(Knocking continues)

Just relax. If we had lice, I'd have lice!

Woman: Guess who?

Deedee?!

(Door creaks shut)

Deedee: Hi, Momo.

Moira: What the hell?

Sorry. I know I should've called, but um... I just thought it'd be really fun to come see my older sister in her... new digs. You know, a little visit.

Oh. Um... do you really have lice?

I'd hate to contract... lice.

Johnny: So, Deedee, you are... looking well.

Deedee: Seaweed facials. I get one every week.

But enough about me, I wanna talk about you guys.

Mm. I want you to know that I...

Really wanted to come and visit you when I heard about your life collapsing, but I got this really big job promotion that week and things got, you know, kinda crazy.

Plus, we haven't really seen much of each other recently.

Yes, well, we've had kind of a hectic year.

Deedee: Well, thank goodness for the Internet!

Seemed to be the only thing letting me know you two were still alive.

Moira: Telephone is also amazing!

You just push the buttons and say, "Hi, it's me, your deadbeat sister."

Johnny: Well, it's a treat seeing you two going at it again.

Kids! (Knocks on door)

Come in and say hi to your aunt Deedee!

Better hurry before she disappears for another decade.

Deedee: (Gasps) Oh! What?

Look at you guys! You've grown!

Alexis: Why did I think that you were dead?

Deedee: Ah, you're so sweet.

Now how long has it been since we've seen each other?

I think you crashed one of my pool parties with some guy you were calling "Uncle Julio."

Oh! (Laughs) I remember that.

All right, you guys treat yourself, okay?

Buy yourself something nice.

David: A hundred dollars?! Oh my goodness, wow.

Alexis: Oh my God! Oh my God, I missed you! I missed you so much!

I missed you so much!

Oh gosh, look at that. They are sweet kids!

I don't know what you were so worried about, Moira.

Deedee, what are you doing here?

Are you staying here at the motel?

Can I... get you a room?

No. God no.

No, I mean... no, I... I booked myself into a junior suite at the Comfort Inn in Elmdale, thank you.

This is very darling, it's just it doesn't have a gym and I'm kind of in the best shape of my life right now and I kinda wanna keep it that way.

Moira: Okay.

(Birds chirp)

Okay, so you're saying that I would be as in shape as you are if I just fixed lights all day?

Pretty much.

Well... a few pull ups here and there.

Okay, so you do workout. You are such a liar! (Laughing)

David: Oh! Wow! Did Stevie say something funny or... ?

Stevie: Grant, this is David Rose.

David: Hi.

He's one of our permanent guests here.

Don't say that... again.

Grant does repairs around here.

Oh, great.

He was also just trying to tell me that he got that body from just being a handyman.

Well, isn't Grant just a big fat liar!

(Awkward silence)

Um...

I gotta grab the right marette, so...

My head is all over the place. She keeps distracting me.

David: (Chuckles dryly)

Wow. He is wearing a tight shirt!

(Chuckles)

So is he gonna do some repairs on your... on your undies?

Who's to say he hasn't already.

Wow! Great.

Why, is that a problem for you?

No. No. Do you.

Do him. Do both. Do things.

Stevie: Great. I think I might.

David: Yeah.

Good. Jump in.

(Awkward silence)

So...

We should probably establish some boundaries about this whole friends with benefits thing.

Okay. Yeah. No, let's do that.

Let's, uh, let's put up some boundaries uh, for the infrequent benefits that our friendship has.

I think that's really good.

Can we do that after you screw mister fix-it or... would you like to do it now?

Let's throw some boundaries up.

'Kay.

Alexis and Ted: (Giggling)

Alexis: Hey, Twyla.

(Humming)

Twyla!

(Twyla continues humming)

Twyla?!

Twyla: (Humming)

I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that was gonna hit you.

That's okay. Your mom did the same thing to me this morning.

Alexis: Okay.

Twyla: What can I get you guys?

Just coffees. Thanks.

Alexis: So what's going on over there?

I'm just working on something. Just a little thing for Mutt.

Alexis: Oh! Is it his birthday or something?

Twyla: No. Um, my dad always said, "When in doubt, say it with a song."

He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him...

Before the band hit him with a restraining order.

So you're writing a song for Mutt then?

Yeah, I'm trying to.

Cute! So what, is it about...

Your feelings, or is it love and... what?

Ted: Are we shooting a Dateline investigative report?

No... we're not.

I'm just looking out for my friend.

Um... honestly, Twy, ixnay on the ongsay.

Because I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground.

Granted, I'm tone deaf and he was a...

He was a super angry marine, but...

Just let the girl write her boyfriend a song!

Okay, I know! And I'm all for it, I'm all for it.

I just think it's um...

I think it's a super big mistake.

(Customers murmur quietly, dishes clink)

(Birds chirp)

(Packaging crinkles and pops, door opens and closes)

Jocelyn: David!

Jocelyn. Hi.

Can I ask you something?

Uh... that depends.

How shall I put this?

You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.

Thank you.

Your floral top, for instance.

Is there something I can help you with?

Well, there's a new kid in my school and he's having a little trouble fitting in.

Mm-hmm.

He's also struggling with his sexuality, which I think that you may be also...

What can I help you with, Jocelyn?

Well, I was thinking, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could come down to the school, you know, maybe talk to him and tell him that... things only get better.

The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot. I don't...

Jocelyn: I knew there was a good person in there somewhere, David.

(Laughing) Oh, and honey, get the quilted; that other stuff will chafe you right up.

Alexis: So this is weird.

Um, today marks the longest relationship that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.

Mutt: Voluntarily.

Alexis: Yeah. The actual longest relationship was um...

A three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.

Um, so... hey. How is it going with you and Twyla?

You guys are looking cute.

Uh... I don't know.

Why? What's going on?

(Garbage bag drops)

I dunno. It... it's nothing. It's fine.

Okay, if my boyfriend ever described our relationship as "fine," I think I would literally... it's just... it feels like it's run its course.

Alexis: What?

Mutt: And I think we've both known it for a while now.

Oh.

(Music plays quietly, door bells jingle)

(Heels clack)

Oh, give me a break. How did you find me?

Well, where else is there to go?

And Johnny may have told me.

Thank you, Johnny.

Moira, why are you making this so difficult for me?

Moira: Oh... where do I start?

Um, you know, I think it's best we don't go there.

No, I'd like to go there. Please, take me.

Fifty thousand dollars. Does that sound familiar?

Yes. You gave that to me as a downpayment No! Loaned it.

You gave it to me as a down payment for my buffalonian town house.

We handed you the money and you said... ?

Deedee: Thank you?

Moira: Oh, too late.

Well, Moira, considering you had over 500 million dollars in the bank, I'm a little personally offended that I didn't get more.

Go away, Deedee.

No. No. Not until I do what I came here to do.

Didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I forgot.

Moira: don't you dare.

Deedee: You don't have feelings.

Moira: Don't you dare.

Deedee: Yes, yes. I am paying you back.

It's not everything, but it's a start.

(Ripping)


Johnny: So walk me through this...

She offered you a cheque and you turned it down?

Moira: She was insulting us!

Moira, the woman dates dive bar owners, okay?

Let her insult us!

Well, I don't know whether you've noticed, but we could use the money.

(Toilet flushes)

You talk about bed bugs?

That check could pay for fumigation.

Better yet, we could move to a place that doesn't have bed bugs.

I don't want her money. I want our money.

She owes us! We loaned her $50,000 dollars!

Johnny: We gave her $50,000 dollars, and you spent more than that on wigs that year.

I don't see any one else lining up to give us cheques.

Moira: Why are you taking her side?

Johnny: I'm not taking her side, but she's offering us a way out and you're letting your pride get in the way.

It's all I have left, John, literally.

Johnny: Swallow it, Moira.

Moira: I can't.

Johnny: Yes, you can.

And then we can buy a case of champagne to wash it down with.

(Angry breath)

David: So... you and Grant.

How are things going?

Uh... well, he asked me out for dinner tonight, so... we're gonna do that.

We're gonna go for dinner, Grant and I.

Yeah! Yeah, that's...

Well, he seems like a really like respectable guy.

Like one of those guys that has like a...

Candy bowl of condoms on his bedside table or something.

Stevie: Oh, hope so. Wonder what colour I'll get.

David: Yeah!

(Chuckles awkwardly)

So I am mentoring a teen in crisis... later.

That's what I'm doing.

One of Jocelyn's students, so...

He's being bullied because he's different, so I'm helping to change his life.

Giving back, so...

Stevie: Wow...

David: Yeah.

And on a scale of one to ten, how much are you looking forward to that?

Three point five. I'm gonna leave you be because it's not everyday you get to go on a date with a guy who owns a windowless van, so...

(door opens)

Oh, Grant.

Grant: Hi! (Door bangs shut)

(Laughs awkwardly)

Grant: What're you doing? You checking out p0rn again?

(Fake laughs) I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go. Um...

Warmest regards to you both.

Stevie: Best wishes.

(Door closes)

Such a weird dude.

Yes. Yes, he is.

(Floor creaks underfoot)

(Loud metallic crash)

(Plastic planets bounce on the floor)

You must be Connor.

Yeah.

David: I don't know how much Mrs. Schitt has told you, but she asked me to come in and have a chat.

She thinks that since we're both... new here it might be worth talking about some things like, you know, fitting in.

Apparently you're having trouble fitting in.

Who... who... who are... who are you?

Oh, my name is David.

Are you... like a doctor or something?

A psychologist?

Am I what? N-uh, no.

So why would I talk to you?

I don't know. Because your teacher is concerned that you're having trouble adjusting.

So she told you to come here and... and what, help... help me?

Look at you. Look at your pants.

Excuse me! I am sensing a tinge of disrespect here.

I'll tell you what my problem is.

I'm a 16-year-old gay kid living in a town that makes me wanna throw up.

The issue isn't me not fitting in.

It's me not wanting to fit in.

Is there anything else you wanna, you wanna help me with?

No.

(Awkward silence)

(Birds chirp, car rumbles)

(Music plays quietly)

Moira: Go ahead and order whatever you want. This is on us.

Deedee: Oh. They're letting you run up a long tab, are they?

Moira: You see?

Well, I hear the pork is very good here.

The ribs, the chops, the roast...

Nothing for me, thanks.

Well, isn't that funny. Because Moira doesn't eat here either.

But I will be eating and I just don't know whether to have the ribs or the chops, but I'm definitely ordering pork.

Moira: If you mention pork one more time...

Moira, um... don't you have something you wanna say to your sister?

Moira: No.

Oh, I'm pretty sure you do.

I'm pretty sure I don't.

Thank you for trying, Johnny. Truly.

But like I'm just really uncomfortable right now with my older sister acting like a stubborn child.

Johnny: Okay, why don't we all take a deep breath here and try and remember what's really important, okay?

We are family, and we have to hang onto that.

And you know as well as I do, Moira, that in times of crisis, the one thing we need to hang onto is family.

Moira: Okay, okay. (Clears throat)

Deedee...

We appreciate you coming to this town...

And offering whatever it is you're offering.

Much appreciated. 'Cause seriously, I thought you were just coming here to gloat.

Deedee: No, no, no.

I came here in the spirit of giving and forgiving.

The... the gloating thing was a bonus.

Moira, go on...

Deedee: Yes, go on.

Moira: We need help. Please help us.

Okay! I will. Hmm?

Oh!

I'm gonna do this for you, but mostly, I'm doing it for me.

Why? Because you can't... And I can.

Okay.

(Pen clicks)

How much are we gonna make this out for?

Oh... sh... I haven't the foggiest. I couldn't... (Chuckles)

I couldn't come up with a number.

I mean, I... whatever you think is fair.

Well, you guys gave me fifty grand, right?

Yes, we gave you fifty thousand when we had the money.

But I can't... I can't ask you for fifty thousand dollars.

Whatever you think is the... Equivalent amount.

(Pen clicking) Okay, I think I can do you...

(Pen clicks) A little better than that.

Okay? (Scribbling)

Oh, so... unnecessary, Deedee, but thank you.

Well, who's up for pork?

Connor: Okay... so you're telling me your girlfriend is on a date with someone else and, instead of doing something about it, you're here talking to me, a kid who practically has no respect for you.

Well, first of all, you're a little bitchy.

Second of all, she is not my girlfriend.

She's someone I'm occasionally having s*x with because we're bored and desperate.

Ah... you're doing a friends with benefits thing with this girl.

Have you not seen the 42 films they've made about it?

It never works.

Okay, well, movies aren't always right, all right?

You'll learn that later in life.

I happen to be a little bit older than you are, so...

Connor: Obviously.

David: Okay.

Well, I think we're good here.

You're gonna be okay, right? You're stable?

I have a party later. Can you buy me some beer?

Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?!

(Door bells jingle as door opens and closes)

(Music plays quietly)

Alexis: Hey! Can I grab a glass of water?

Twyla: Yeah, sure.

Alexis: Thank you.

So how's the uh... song going?

Is that... Is the song still a thing?

Yeah! Do you wanna hear some of it?

Um, I would love to, but I actually hate music, so... I don't think I'd be a very good judge.

Twyla: You hate music?

Alexis: Mm-hmm...

Are we sure that Mutt likes music?

'Cause I feel like if he didn't it could be kind of... awkward.

Are you feeling okay?

Alexis: Um... I just don't think that... The song thing is a good idea.

For, like, a lot of reasons.

Um... are you sure that you wanna put yourself in such a vulnerable situation, Twy?

Are you saying you don't think Mutt would like it?

I don't know. I mean... I'm not sure.

Maybe, but... I don't... I'm not... yeah, I'm not sure.

Did you talk to Mutt? Because I know that...

We've been sort of off for a while.

And I've been just trying to think of things to make it better and so I'm... you know, I'm just trying to make it work.

I think that you should talk to Mutt before...

Breaking into song.

Twyla: Thank you, Alexis.

For what?

Bye.

(Music plays quietly)

(Door opens and closes)

(Crickets chirp)

Twyla: In all honesty, Mutt was just a place holder.

According to my tea leaves, the guy I'm suppose to marry is black, so...

(Door opens and closes)

David: Oh.

Stevie: What and why are we drinking?

David: Oh my goodness!

Um, I don't know, and today, some snippy teen told me that my life was a mess, so...

And I am now a single person.

Stevie: Oh...

So did you spend the night washing your clothes on Grant's abs?

Stevie: You're funny.

David: Mm-hmm.

Um, Grant went to the bathroom and never came back.

Stevie: Thank you.

David: What?

He w... he went to the bathroom and never came back?

Stevie: Mm-hmm.

David: Oh...

So either I was stood up halfway through my date or Grant has some serious digestive issues.

Twyla: Mm.

David: Wow. Sounds like a real catch.

Stevie: Mm-hmm...

David: Um... (Taps finger)

So word on teen street is that our little...

Friends with benefits situation is a-

Stevie: Not a good idea?

David: Is a bad idea.

And because I don't have any other friends here, I can't afford to lose you, so...

I think it's best if we just...

Stevie: Friends.

David: Friends. Yup.

I think that's best.

Good. This is good.

David: That's good, right?

Stevie: That's good.

Okay. Well... Warmest wishes to that.

Kindest regards.

David: Yeah!

(Glasses clink)

Twyla: Cheers!

All: (Sipping)

David: Whoa. Twy...

Twyla: Mm...

David: That's...

Twyla: It's good, right?

David: My eyes are tearing.

Twyla: (Laughs)

So this is it?

After all that?

And we paid for the dinner!

So we lost money on the whole deal.

I'll tell ya, she's gonna be embarrassed when this thing gets cashed.

She will be embarrassed. She missed a zero.

Moira, she missed a zero or two.

I... you know what?

I'm gonna call her. I'm calling her right now, that... What a cheap-ass amount!

Moira: (Light clicks off) Turn your light off, John.

Your sister is a cheap ass.

(Sighs heavily, light clicks off)

(Grumbles) Cheap ass.

We're planning a surprise party for your mother.

Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.

Then you plan it.

No!

Oh, he snap-diva'd!

Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.

Oh my God.

Okay, that's not at all how that works.