02x03 - Scythe

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Greenberg.

[applause]

Masturbation.

We all do it, but what if I told you, you've been doing it all wrong?

In his 2008 book "Outliers,"

Malcolm Gladwell argues that any expert in any given field must accumulate over 10,000 hours in his or her own craft.

He calls this the "10,000 Hour Rule."

Well, folks, what about a 10 million hour rule?

By noon of most days, I've become desensitized to even the most outlandish forms of p*rn.

I am just a joyless husk of a man.

So how do I push through it? Hmm?

How do I make myself continue?

Ingenuity.

Say you want to masturbate to an ex-girlfriend, or a high school crush but she's never done p*rn.

Well, guess you can't masturbate to her, right?

Wrong!

Take the audio from a p*rn vid, and play it under her most skin-revealing Facebook photos.

Now she's in the action.

[applause]

Um...

Unfortunately, I have to go take care of something.

[audience murmurs agreement]

Wish me luck. [applause]

Whoo! [applause]

I'm not even eating it for the marshmallows anymore.

I actually look forward to the oat pieces.

Guess I'm getting older.

Josh?

Are you even listening to me?

No, no. Sorry.

What, I'm just kind of in the middle of a thing with the girl across the bar.

Ooh, which one?

Don't... don't look, don't look.

I'm trying to take a long game approach.

Step one: facial recognition.

Just want to plant the seed. That way maybe sometime weeks from now I bump into her and she goes, "Hey, don't I recognize you from someplace?"

And I'll be like, "Huh. I don't know.

Do you? Maybe?"

That sounds like a really long game.

Ah, I figure what's the hurry, right?

[indistinct whispering]

H-Hello?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

[screams]

[screaming]

Oh, God.

Are you here to k*ll me?

No, no? So then, what, what?

What? What do you want?

My teeth? My mouth? My face. My...

My hair?

Oh, God, it's gonna look that bad?

Ah, oh! No!

But I'm only 28. I'm too young to go bald!

No, okay! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, what can I do? What can I...

Rogaine! I'll start doing Rogaine, right?

That can buy me some time, if I start using the creams and the gels, right?

No. Okay, so, So no hair. Guys look good without hair.

Like Jason Statham.

Yeah, I know, okay, I'm not Jason Statham.

Man, I feel like... black guys. If I were black, like...

'Cause black guys can pull off the bald look, I think, right?

Like...

I suppose they have it bad in other ways, like oppression.

I mean, I mean, would you... would you make that trade?

Yeah, it is interesting. It is interesting.

No!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

So, it's like a gradual process.

Okay, so, ballpark, how much time we looking at here?

No!

I've got to hurry.

[laughing maniacally]

Man.

God damn it.

Oh, my God.

[knocking on front door]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold one second.

Both: Hey!

Hey. What's... what's with the hat?

You know, I'm just trying a new look.

It's, uh, business on the bottom, party atop my head.

What would you like for dinner?

Give me that hat, all right?

You look so ridiculous.

No, no!

What? It looks ridiculous.

I'm... I got a... I got a...

What?

I'm going bald, Liz.

I don't see it. Where?

I can't see it. There's a spot.

There's a spot.

Right here, there's like a...

Right there?

I think you're overreacting, there.

I'm not over... you don't know what this is like.

Imagine just trying to date, and there's this one part of your body that you have no control over, that has, like, a ticking clock to it.

Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough.

My point is, I need to lock something down now.

I need to get in there.

I need to lock something down yesterday, and I'm not above lowering my expectations to do that.

Wait, what? Why? What does that mean?

I don't need someone with all the bells and whistles.

I just need someone safe. Reliable, you know.

Sounds like you're talking about a car.

Maybe I am.

Maybe I am.

Mike, Liz, I want you to meet my new girlfriend.

She's a 1998 Saturn.

Hi... hi.

What's up? I'm Mike.

[horn honks]

[laughs]

Hey, man.

You want to come hit up the buffet with me?

Oh, yeah, you got it.

Cool.

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

Mwah!

Uh, don't listen to anything this one says about me.

Oh, gosh.

Nice to meet you.

[bells ring]

Well, I love your hubcaps.

[horn honks]

So you're attracted to her?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not blind... I know she doesn't have the kind of body you'd see on the cover of "Penthouse" or "Car and Driver" or something, but...

We... we make it work.

How, exactly?

Ah, that's pretty personal.

Would you say that you... put it in her gas hole?

Mike!

Well, do you? I don't know.

[laughs nervously]

Yes.

God, um, and... and... and...

Do you, uh, complete the act?

Yes.

My God.

Well, look, is it the best sex I've ever had? No.

Does it get the job done? Sort of.

Does it hurt? Well, I'm sticking my cock into a gas t*nk, so yes, but I'm just happy to have a girlfriend.

Well, as long as you're happy, man.

Michael, I couldn't be happier.

♪ F-F-Fun on the sun ♪
♪ F-F-Fun on the sun ♪
♪ F-F-Fun on the sun ♪
♪ Everyone loves the sun ♪
♪ F-F-Fun on the sun ♪
♪ F-F-Fun on the sun ♪
♪ Everyone loves the sun ♪

[horn honks]

♪ Everyone loves the sun ♪
♪ Everyone loves the sun ♪

[romantic jazz music]

Hey, hey.

[horn honks]

Yeah.

[singer vocalizing]

♪ ♪
♪ We take it slow ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We take it slow ♪
♪ We take it slow ♪
♪ No need to hurry ♪

[sh**ting star twinkling]

♪ We take it slow ♪

[grunting] Ouch.

Oh! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

Ow! Ow!

Josh doesn't bring a lot of ladies home, so this is a real treat.

Uh, are you sure I can't get you a glass of wine?

Oh, well, actually, she doesn't drink.

How about some brisket?

She doesn't eat meat.

Just gas, usually.

No only, she... all she eats is gas.

Neato.

Well, I think I'll clear some plates. Josh, would you mind helping me?

Oh, yeah, not at all.

So, thank you, uh, for having us over.

Mmm.

And I can tell she really likes you.

Josh, you know that Tom and I love you very much, and you know that we will always support you.

Mm-hmm.

Having said that, this is a tough one.

What do you mean?

I think you're settling, Josh, and I don't want you to settle!

I want you to be with the person, or the car, or the boat, or whatever you think is the absolute best.

Why? Why? It's not like I'm the absolute best.

Oh, Joshy!

Seriously, Mom, I'm a... balding 28-year-old temp.

I think this midsize sedan is about the best I'll ever do, which... which is why I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Oh.

Well.

This is a tough one.

Would you do me the honor of taking me as I am on bended knee?

Oh, sh*t. The ring.

The ring, the ring, the ring.

Very important.

Oh, right, yeah.

[exhales]

Yeah.

Saturn, I'm home.

Ah, you're dirty.

You are dirty!

What the hell?

Ah, Jesus!

Oh, my God!

Oh...

Aah!

Hey, hey, it's not what it looks like, I'm sorry.

Get out of my house!

Can I finish?

No, you can't finish! Get out of here!

Sorry, sorry.

You too!

Sorry.

[horn honks] Yes, ma'am.

[dance music]

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing all alone in the corner?

Mike, I've been doing some thinking about life, and I've come to the conclusion I'm the most pathetic piece of sh*t on the planet.

Ah, don't say that.

It's true, though. It's true.

I just keep getting rejected.

And even when I settle, I still get cheated on with three other guys.

Thought it was two guys.

No, no.

A third was discovered.

Let's face it: I'm a miserable bald piece of sh*t in a stupid beanie.

You know what, I don't think... I don't care anymore.

I don't even care anymore. That's it.

Take a look, everybody. Take a look at the freak!

Shut up, shut up.

There's a crazy hot girl over there.

All right, don't look, don't look, don't look.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm gonna ask her out.

How are you so confident all of a sudden?

You were just talking about what a loser you are.

That's just it.

I'm such a loser, I gots nothing left to lose.

♪ Staring at the red sky ♪
♪ Trying not to run away ♪
♪ You think you need to save me ♪
♪ Sell yourself another lie ♪
♪ Staring at the ground again ♪
♪ Trying not to wonder why... ♪

Hey, you want to date, like, a creepy bald guy?

No.

Cool.

Dude, that was crazy. Sorry.

Want to date?

Go away.

Yep.

I'm Josh, you want to party?

No.

Makes sense.

Should we do this?

Gross.

All right.

Dude, that was insane.

I've never seen somebody get rejected so many times in a row.

How are you still alive?

Because I use my secret w*apon: not giving a sh*t.

Yeah, well, you know who will give a sh*t.

Greenberg!

You're a loose cannon!

You can't walk straight up to girls!

It's too direct.

You got to be cool.

You got to make small talk.

Talk about the "Game of Thrones."

At least play the college name game, for Christ's sake!

God damn it, Greenberg.

Put that out!

Holy sh*t!

That's unnecessary, man.

Get out!

[spits]

[siren whirring]

Wait, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

There's a real hot girl at Flanagan's.

She's been there two hours now and everyone's too afraid to hit on her.

Let's roll.

Now, Josh, wait.

It sounds like she's really hot, man.

We got to think this through. Josh! Ugh!

I'm getting too old for this sh*t.

[upbeat dramatic music]

Get this sh*t out of my face.

What's the sitch?

It's worse than we thought.

That super-hot woman is in there with her friends, and they're really hot too.

The guys inside are scared, all right?

There's no way anyone's gonna hit on her.

Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

Hi, sorry.

Why does someone have to hit on her?

Well, because she's hot.

Okay, but, so what?

Why does an attractive woman have to be hit on?

It just doesn't make sense.

Somebody get her out of here!

Good. All right.

What's the game plan?

Well, we need a guy on the inside, talking close to her about something she can kind of latch on to.

The latest episode of "Empire."

Then maybe, hopefully, she can say something like, "Hey, you guys talking about 'Empire'?"

And then we can say...

No, no. Screw that.

I'm going in. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You can't go straight up to her, man.

It's a su1c1de mission.

You think I care?

I'm loco.

[women speaking indistinctly]

Excuse me, I need to talk to your friend for a second.

Hi, I'm Josh. You want to go on a date?

You want to reject me? You want to reject me?

You want to reject me? Go on, reject me, reject me.

I live for this sh*t. Just do me a favor, babe.

Do it right to my face.

I'll go out with you.

What?

I'll go on a date with you.

Well, so, when? When should we do this?

When's good for you? I'm available, always.

I mean, you know what? Let's just...

Let's just... let's just give each other... exchange info, like we're in a car accident, and we will figure out the logistics of everything later on.

Okay.

[triumphant music]

[cheers and applause]

He may be crazy, but god damn it, he gets the job done.

Occasionally.

Hey, you better not say "I told you so."

Okay.

But I told you so.

both: Hey!

[upbeat rock music]

I want to know how the date went.

Terrible.

I got nervous and went on a rant about the plot holes in "Prometheus."

How long?

Pretty long.

I mean, it's a long movie. It's rife with plot holes.

Did you use the word "rife"?

Several times.

Yeah.

Anyway, at least I went for it, right?

And just 'cause it didn't work out this time, doesn't mean I won't try again.

Good.

I'm just glad you got rid of that stupid hat.

Yeah, me too.

[car motor running, wheels squealing]

Man: Watch out!

[dog barking]

Saturn, what the hell are you doing here?

[distorted horn honking]

How much have you had to drink?

[horn honking]

Really? That doesn't sound like two beers.

[distorted horn honking]

No, no, no, no.

[honking continues]

Why do you think? Because you treated me like crap, all right, and I moved on.

So please do me a favor, vacate the premises.

[horn honking]

Reverse.

[distorted horn honk]

Hey, reverse!