01x01 - Left in the Dark/Get the Message

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like ping pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

- ♪ Hey, hey, hey

- ♪ Leaping over
laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do what he can
to survive ♪

- ♪ In the loud house
in the loud house ♪

♪ Dodge, dodge push and shove
That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the loud house
in the loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy
Ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud!
House! ♪

- ♪ Loud!
Loud house! ♪

- Poo poo.

[hard rock music]

♪

Join me, Hunter Spector,
spectre hunter,

leader of the Academy
of Really Good Ghost Hunters,

or ARGGH!

as I descend
into the scariest place

in any home:
the basement!

- [evil laugh]

- Don't miss it or you'll be
left in the dark.

- It's finally here,
the live season finale

of the greatest show ever!

All right, I know you're
probably saying to yourself,

Lincoln, with ten sisters,
there's no way

you're going to get to watch
your favorite show.

And you'd be right.

Every Sunday at : ,
it's the same thing.

- I was here first!

[girls arguing]

- But tonight,
I have a plan.

Cadet Lincoln calling
Cadet Clyde, do you read me?

- This is Cadet Clyde,
I read you loud and clear.

I'm so excited!

We finally get to watch
"ARGGH!" together,

and by "together,"
I mean you at your house

and me at mine,right?

- For such a landmark event,
we decided

it'd be best for us
to watch it separately.

Clyde's got a huge crush
on my sister, Lori.

It gets awkward.

- Hubba hubba.

- Clyde?
Clyde, do you read me?

- Uh, you'd better hurry,
Lincoln, it's almost : .

- It's time to put Operation
Distract My Sisters

So That I Can Get
to the TV First

and Watch the Special
Live Season Finale of "ARGGH!"

and Think of a Shorter Name
for This Operation...

into action.

[door opening]
both: Cartoons!

Cartoons! Cartoons!
Cartoons!

- Did someone say,
"Tea party"?

- [squeals]
Thank you, Lincoln.

- Hey, I don't wanna be part
of some dumb old tea party.

I'm going to watch TV!

- Not even if
these guys are invited?

[frog croaks]

- [squeals]
Thanks, Lincoln!

[door opening]
- Hey, Luan.

- I was just heading downstairs
to watch TV.

- You might want to grab
your video camera instead.

The twins are at it again.

[dishes breaking]
- You can't! You can't!

VIP only!

- This is totally
gonna go viral!

- Ow! Ow!
- Thanks, Linc.

[door opening]

- Hey, Lisa, I saved you
a trip downstairs

and got that stuff
you needed.

- The lactose, triticum protein,
sodium chloride crystals,

sucrose,
and galus galus ovum?

- Uh, you mean, milk, flour,
salt, sugar, and eggs?

You say tomato,
I say Solanum Lycopersicum.

Thank you.

- Yeah!
Two minutes to game time. Whoo!

- Hey, Lynn, check it out.
I filled it with helium

for the extreme player
who demands more.

- I demand more.

- Uh, go long!

- [whistles]
[baby laughs]

- [grunts]
Get over here, you!

- Oh, my gosh, Leni!

- What?
Is there a spider on me?

Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!

[screams]
[baby laughs]

- Worse, there's a zit
on the end of your nose.

- I'm a hideous monster.
[baby laughs]

- Hey, bro.
TV tonight

is gonna be rockin'!
Yeah!

- Or you could have
your very own

flashlight rock show
in your bedroom.

- That is sweet.
Thanks, Linc.

- Has anyone seen my phone?
I need to live-tweet my show.

- Hey, Lori.

Hey, hey, Lori,
I found your phone.

- Give me that!
How many times

do I have to tell you
to keep your hands

off of my stuff?
- Three, two, one.

[phone ringing]
- Hello?

Oh, hi, Bobby.
[giggles]

No, I didn't text you
to call me,

but I'm glad you did.

Thanks for nothing,
twerp.

[baby snores]

- And that makes ten.

[rock music]

Like I said,
I might not be the fastest

and I might not be
the strongest,

but to get all of my sisters
out of the way,

it pays to have a plan.

- You forgot me.
- Ahh!

- Lucy!
I always forget about Lucy!

- Story of my life.

- What are you doing here?

- It's the season premiere
of my favorite show,

"Vampires of Melancholia."

- This is the episode
of "ARGGH!" that everyone's

going to be talking about
at school tomorrow.

Please let me watch it.

Pretty please
with a black cherry on top?

- I'm sorry, Lincoln,
but you know the rule.

I was here...

[slowed down voice]
First.

- No!

Ha!

- That's the old remote
that Lily threw into the toilet.

- Ugh!

[coughs and spits]

[sobs]

- Sorry, Lincoln,
I can't miss my vampires.

Edwin is so cold and tormented
and mysterious.

Sigh.

If only he wasn't
from another century.

- Another century.

That's okay, Lucy,

you watch your show
on the big color TV.

I'll just go watchmy show

on Dad's crummy old
black and white TV.

- Black and white are
my favorite colors.

- Yeah, it'll make
watching my show

a little bit more spooky.

- Spooky is also
my favorite color.

- Well, enjoy
your vampires.

- Wait.
I'll take the old TV.

- [grunts]

How can only two colors
be so heavy?

Here you are.

Now to plug it in,

so you can be happy or sad
or whatever that emotion is.

And I won't be left
in the dark.

Dang it.

[all talking over each other]
- All right, all right,

everybody just
calm down.

- [screams]
Guys, I can't see anything!

I think I've gone blind.

- No, you didn't go blind.
What the heck happened?

- I was just plugging in
the old TV for Lucy

and it must have made
the lights go out.

- Of course it was your fault,
Lincoln.

- Lincoln!
[all complaining]

- What?
All I did was

plug in some dumb old TV.

- Hey, I know why
the lights went out,

'cause they liked
each other.

[laughs]
Get it? Get it?

[all groan]
- That one was so good,

it deserves a cookie.

- Oh, thanks.
So anyway,

what did one light bulb
say to the other?

[all gasp]
- You're glowing.

- Oh, I already told you
that one?

- No, dude,
youare glowing.

- Hey, wow.

- Everyone back away
from Luan.

Lisa, Mom and Dad said
you're not allowed to use

your siblings as experimental
guinea pigs anymore.

- Yeah, not after
what you did to me.

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

- My face feels funny.

- Classic.

All I did was infuse
the bioluminescent DNA

of the Aequorea Victoria
Jellyfish into a cookie.

I call them "Gloweos."
Besides, now we can see.

- Okay, everyone huddle
around Luan.

- I always knew I was
the light of your life.

[laughs]
[all groan]

- Okay, so how about we get
that power back on?

- Hey, when Mom and Dad are out,
I'm in charge,

so first, we need to get
a head count

to make sure
we're all here.

- One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

And me. That's .
Yep, that's all of us.

We are all here
and accounted for.

- You forgot me.
- Ahh!

Can I go flip
the circuit breaker

and get the lights
back on

before Lucy gives me
a heart att*ck?

- Again, in charge.
I'll do it.

Where is this
circuit breaker thingy?

- In the basement.

[scary music]

- Why am I the one
who has to do this?

all: Because you're
in charge.

- All right, all right.
Come on, Luan, light the way.

- That's the brightest idea
you've had all day.

[laughs]

[all gasp]
- Ooh.

I thought I was
staying in tonight,

but I guess I'm going out.
[laughs]

[all groan]

- Lisa, give her another one
of those cookies.

We won't tell.

- Negative.
That was the only one.

Prototype.

- Just great.
[wood creaking]

[gasps] There's something
in the basement.

I'm not going
down there.

- Ooh!
You're scared of the dark.

- I am not.
You're the one who's scared.

- I'm not afraid
of anything.

- Boo.
- Ahh!

[all talking over each other]

both:
There's a ghost in the basement!

[both sobbing]

- Guys!
I'm running out of time!

It's really important
that I-I-I--

[sighs]
Fix this.

Okay, quiet!

Come here, you two.
It's okay.

There's nothing
to be afraid of.

Your big brother
will protect you.

In fact, I will
protect all of you!

For I am Cadet Lincoln,
highly trained student

of the Academy of Really Good
Ghost Hunters, or...

"ARGGH!"

[rock music]

Cadet Clyde,
this is Cadet Lincoln.

Forget the plan.
I'm going to need back up.

♪

- Cadet Clyde,
reporting for duty.

L-L-L-Lori?

Red alert, red alert.
does not compute.

Circuit overload.
Must abort mission.

- I told you
it gets awkward.

I will now descend into
the scariest place

in the house:
the basement.

But fear not.
With my official

"ARGGH!" branded
night-vision goggles,

I can see in the dark.

Ahh!

- Lincoln?
Are you okay?

- The bad news is,
my goggles are just a toy,

and do not really
see in the dark.

The good news is,
they cushioned my face

from the hard
basement floor.

- Hey, I think my video camera
has a night vision setting.

- Sweet!

It's just like the cameras
they use on "ARGGH!"

I'm going in.

- Wait! You're not leaving us
up here all alone are you?

I mean, we couldn't possibly
let you go down there all alone,

we should all go down together,
as a group.

- Very well.
I'll lead the way.

You may want to stay close.
There's no telling

what could be lurking
down here in the dark.

- There's nothing funny
about this situation,

although I do like
dark humor.

- Is someone touching
my hand?

- You're touching
your own hand.

- I hate basements.

[groaning effect]
- Ahh! What's that moaning?

[all gasp]

- Don't freak out.
It's just the pipes settling.

[scratching effect]
-What's that scratching?

[all gasp]

- Don't be scared.
It's just Cliff the cat.

[cat meows]

- What is that smell?
[all gasp]

- It's just Lily
with a full diaper.

[farting effect]
- Poo poo.

- See, guys?
I told you

there's nothing
to be afraid of.

[gasps]
- What is it?

- Lincoln.
Lincoln!

- It's a ghost,
and it knows my name!

[all screaming]

I'll save you,
sisters.

Hiya-a-a!

Hiya!
Take that, evil spirit!

- Cool it, Lincoln,
it's not a ghost.

It's just our laundry.

- Lincoln, Lincoln,
do you read me?

- Clyde?

- I was just callin'
to say sorry

for not being
such a good "ARGGH!" cadet,

and is your sister ready
to date younger men?

- Never gonna happen.

- Was that your sister?
Red alert. Red alert.

Overload.
Overload.

- Guys, I still can't see!

- Open your eyes.

- It's a miracle!

- First one to the TV
is couch commando.

- I can still
get there first!

[adventure music]

♪

- Wow!
That was by far

the best episode of "ARGGH!"
ever.

I'd hate to be you
if you missed it.

- No-o-o!

[sobbing] I can't believe
I missed my show.

[sobs]

- Sorry you missed your show,Lincoln.

- But you just lived it.
Check it out.

- It's a ghost
and it knows my name!

[all screaming]

[laughter]

- I wasn't scared at all.

- You know, I may have
missed my show,

but sometimes, it's not about
being there first.

Sometimes, it's about
being there together,

all of us.

- You forgot me.
[all scream]

[spy music]

♪

[video game effects]

- Take that, zombie.
Feel my twerk, you evil jerk.

- [growls]

- Hoo!
- [groans]

- Hoo! Ha! Hoo!

Ha! Hoo! Ha! Hoo!

- [growls]
- Ooh!

- Boom!
- [groans]

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- [growls]
- Lincoln!

- Ugh.

[screams]

- There's only one rule
in this house.

Stay out of my bedroom!

If I catch you in here again,
I will literally

turn you
into a human pretzel!

No, not you, Bobby.

[giggles]
One sec, okay?

[video game effects]
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ow!
Yeah.

[humming]
[unzipping fly]

Zombies don't need
to see this.

[knocking at the door]
Occupied!

[pounding at the door]

[sighs]
I can't believe some--

- Bobby, you'll never guess
what Whitney said to me today.

- That you don't respect
a man's privacy?

- No, silly, not even.
She was all like...

- Oh, no.
My gaming glasses!

- No running
in the hallway!

- Huh?
What are you talking about?

- Lana, is this maggot
giving you lip?

- We're the new hall monitors
at school,

so we're practicing
at home.

- If we catch you
speeding again,

you're going downtown!

We already locked up Luan
for telling bad jokes.

- Hey, did you hear the one
about the thief

who stole a calendar?

He got months.

[rim sh*t]
[laughs]

Get it?

- That's five more minutes,
dirt bag!

- Okay, okay, I'll walk
within the speed limit, I swear.

- No swearing!

[electronic buzzing]

- [gasps]

Someone stepped on my glasses.
No!

[car door closing
and engine starting]

Lori, you dirt bag!

One minute I'm electric-sliding
with the undead, and the next--

[groans]
It's all Lori's fault!

- I can't believe it.

- I know.
She didn't even say sorry.

- No, I can't believe
these were touched

by Lori's
beautiful tootsies.

- Snap out of it, Clyde.
Lori's a monster.

All she cares about is
talking on her stupid phone.

Well, I'm going to give her
a call she'll never forget.

- What are you gonna say?

"Why 'blank' is
the worst sister ever?"

- I knew this would
come in handy someday.

I just didn't know which sister
would be getting it.

But you, Lori Loud, have made
my decision very easy.

[phone quacks]

[phone ringing tone]
[playing guitar]

♪

Agh, must be
charging her phone.

No worries, I'll just
leave it on her voicemail.

- Hey, this is Lori.
You know what to do.

[beep]
- Hey, Lori,

it's your dear brother,
Lincoln.

There's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

You are--

[playing loud rock music]

♪

And that is why you are
the worst sister ever!

[phone quacks]

What do you think, Clyde?

- [withers]

- Hey, bro.
Just wanted to say

I'm so sorry I stepped
on your stupid toy.

So I went out and bought you
a stupid new one.

- You did what now?

- Also, I'm very impressed
you didn't freak out over this.

Very mature.

- [sheepish laugh]
Yup, that's me, Mr. Mature.

[gasps]

Clyde, what I have done?
I called Lori a--

[guitar chord]

When she's actually a--

[harp chord]

What am I gonna do?

You're right!
Lori clearly hasn't

listened to the voice-mail yet
or I'd be a human pretzel.

We've gotta delete
the message.

- Huh?

- Good talk.

[dramatic music]

♪

[beeps]

- Perfect.
Lori doesn't have her cell,

which means it's still
in there charging.

Our mission is
to infiltrate her room

and delete the message
before she gets back.

- But Lori's room
is off limits.

- I know. That's why I need you
to be a lookout for her.

- That's easy, I'm always
on the lookout for Lori.

- Then let's do this.

♪

- In position.
- Roger that.

- I know poop when I see it,
and that's definitely some poop.

- Drat, the po-po.

I can't go through,
so I'm gonna have to go over.

[groovy music]

♪

- Hey, fur ball!
No speeding!

both: Hey, what did we just say?
Get back here!

- I'm in.

- Great.
Proceed two clicks north,

hook a left, and you should be
right over the target.

[spy music]

♪

- I've got eyes
on the package.

♪

[beeps]

- Lincoln,
Lori's coming.

- You're going to have to
stall her.

- Roger that.

[romantic music]

- Hey, beautiful, you take
these stairs often?

- [chuckles]
I will now, handsome.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, Lori,
it's your dear brother Lincoln.

- Message deleted.

♪

- And that's how
we're gonna do it.

- I love it, especially the part
where I get to talk to Lori.

- [coughs]
Is that perfume?

- Yeah, it's my Nana's.

- Here are the blueprints
for the vents.

- Are these food stains?

- I eat ketchup sandwiches
while I floor-plan.

[door opening]
Quiet, Lori's coming.

[beeps]

Okay, let's do this.

[tense music]

♪

- I'm in position!

- [grunts]

Roger that.

- No, I can't let you off
with a warning.

- [laughs]

[spy music]

- Huh!

♪

[stifling a sneeze]

- Next time, remember,
this is a mandatory diaper zone!

[foghorn blows]

- [retches]

[exciting music]

♪

Gah.
Ketchup fingers.

- [giggles]

- She's making a crawl for it!

- Ugh!

Clyde, I'm in.

- Hey, Lincoln.
- [screams]

Lucy, what are you doing
in here?

- I come here to think.

I actually just wrote a new poem
called "Ventilate."

"Inside the wall,
I choose to be alone.

If I ever get stuck,
please listen for my moan."

- Right.
[chuckles]

Clyde, get me
to Lori's room, now.

- Go three clicks,
then a right.

Or is it three rights,
then a click?

Wait, what's a click?

- Never mind,
I think I'm there.

Whoa!
Aah!

- Hey, Lincoln.
- Phew! Thanks, Luce.

- Lincoln,
everything okay?

- Yeah, Clyde.
[groans]

Everything's perfect.

I've got eyes
on the package.

- Package?
What about Lori's phone?

- Clyde, what kind of rope
is this?

- Cherry licorice rope.

- Aah!

[thud]

- Lincoln!
Lori's coming!

Don't worry,
I'll stall her.

[romantic music]

♪

[wolf whistle]

- What?

Ugh!
Gross.

[dramatic music]

♪

- [teeth chattering]

Ugh!

- So this is where
all my shoes are.

- [muffled yell]

[phone ringing]

- Finally.

Ooh! New messages.
I'm so loved.

- Mission is compromised!
The package is on the move.

Clyde?

- [shuddering]
- Clyde, do you read me?

[beep]
- Hey, babe, it's Bobby.

Do you think we'll
always be together?

- Aww!
Totes saving that one.

[beep]
- Hey, babe, it's Bobby again.

Should our couple name
be Bori or Lobby?

- Saved.

[police siren chirps]
- We warned you, dirt bag!

- It's the clink for Linc.

- Look!
Luan's making a jailbreak.

- Hey!

- Oh, forget that bum.

He's out of our jurisdiction
now.

- Yeah.
Let's get donuts.

[beep]
- Hey, Lori,

it's your dear brother,
Lincoln.

Lori!

[voice slowed down]
No-o-o!

Ugh!

There's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

You are--

- Ugh.
Delete.

Lincoln, there are two rules
in this house:

stay out of my room,
and never call my phone!

My voice-mail is
full enough

without useless messages
from you!

- Gee, Lori, I'm sorry.

- But I'm gonna let it slide
this time

'cause you were so mature
when I broke your stupid toy.

- [sheepish laugh]
Uh, right.

That's me, Mr. Mature.

[phone ringing]

- Bobby,
only messages today?

I thought you
cared about me.

- [sighs]

Next time I have a problem
with one of my sisters,

I'll just talk to them
instead of leaving a message

or writing
a nasty letter.

Speaking of which,
where is that letter?

- If you want our couple name
to be Lobby,

you're gonna have to show
a little--

What's this?

"Why Lori is
the Worst Sister Ever."

Bobby, I gotta go.

I'm about to turn Lincoln
into a human pretzel!

Lincoln!
What is this?

- Well, it's time to do
the official dance

of the Loud House:
The Running Man.

- When I get my hands on you,
I'm gonna--

[loud rock music playing]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House
- ♪ Loud House

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way
we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House
- ♪ Loud House

♪ Laundry pile
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with kids

♪ That's the way it always is
in the Loud House ♪