02x10 - The Vartabedian Conundrum

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Scene: The apartment.

Steph: I don’t see anything at all, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.

Leonard: Me, too.

Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle?

Leonard: No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.

Steph: Yup, there’s no inflammation at all, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Then it must be a tumour.

Steph: I Seriously doubt it.

Leonard: Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.

Sheldon: Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.

Steph: Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie sh*t! I’m going to bed

Leonard: Okay, I’ll be right in.

Sheldon: It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie sh*t.

Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments?

Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.

Leonard: Good night.

Sheldon: Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.

Leonard: No, you’re not.

Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

Leonard: Thank you.

Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.

Leonard: We’re not living together.

Sheldon: I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.

Leonard: That’s absurd.

Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.

Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.

Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

Leonard: I’m going to bed.

Sheldon: At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The kitchen.

Leonard: No, absolutely not.

Sheldon: It’s not a big deal. We have latex gloves.

Leonard: I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.

Steph: Hi, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.

Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.

Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?

Steph: He did very nicely.

Sheldon: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.

Penny (entering): Out of coffee. Need coffee.

Steph: Uh, hello.

Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right?

Steph: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are?

Penny: I’m Penny, I live across the hall. I’ve heard a lot about you.

Steph: Really?

Penny: Mm-hmm.

Steph: I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?

Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!

Sheldon: In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon.

Sheldon: You’re welcome, Leonard.

Leonard: Look, I’m just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it’s very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I’ll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

Leonard: She doesn’t like you. Um, well, uh, you have a gall bladder to remove and I have to get in the shower and Penny has clothes to put on, so…

Steph: Well, it was very nice meeting you.

Penny: Nice to finally meet you, too.

Steph: And I’ll see you tonight?

Leonard: Okay, bye-bye.

Steph: Bye.

Sheldon: What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?

Penny: So, that’s Stephanie, huh?

Leonard: Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?

Penny: You know, she seems very nice.

Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.

Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?

Sheldon: Like hippies.

Leonard: We’re not living together.

Sheldon: Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?

Leonard: We’re not living together.

Penny: Are you sure?

Leonard: How could I not be sure?

Penny: Well, let’s find out.

Leonard: Don’t you think if a woman was living with me I’d be the first one to know about it?

Penny: Oh, sweetie, you’d be the last one to know about it. (Looking through his wardrobe) Hmm, cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you!

Leonard: We’re not living together.

Penny: Okay, hmm, scented candles, fuzzy slippers, ooh, floral bed sheets?

Leonard: We’re not living together.

Penny: Okay, moving on. Now, who are these guys at Disney World?

Leonard: Uh, the big dog is Goofy, and the older couple with the mouse ears , I have no idea. We’re not living together!

Penny: You’re going to go down swinging, huh? All right, well, we got your body lotion, your InStyle Magazine, your jewellery box.

Leonard: We’re not… Where’s my Bat Signal?

Penny: You have a Bat Signal?

Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must’ve… Oh, my God, we’re living together.

Penny: Really? What was your first clue?

Scene: The university cafeteria.

Howard: New pants?

Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got them for me.

Howard: Nice. Cotton?

Leonard: Actually, I think it’s more of wool, fire ant blend.

Howard: So, the girlfriend’s buying clothes for you, huh? Sounds serious.

Leonard: It is actually. In fact, I gave it a lot of thought and I decided it was time for us to live together.

Howard: Uh, Leonard, huge mistake. There’s a whole buffet of women out there and you’re just standing in the corner eating the same devilled egg over and over again.

Leonard: At least I have an egg. What do you have?

Howard: A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can’t.

Leonard: So, go hit on her.

Howard: She’s not my type.

Raj: Too bad, ’cause she was checking you out before.

Howard: She was?

Raj: Of course not. Look at her.

Leonard: I don’t care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.

Scene: The hospital.

Steph: Sheldon, what are you doing here?

Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.

Steph: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?

Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.

Steph: Thank you.

Sheldon: Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?

Steph: I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon.

Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.

Steph: A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?

Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.

Steph: Go home, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!

Scene: The laundry room.

Penny: Oh hey.

Leonard: Oh, good. Do you have any fabric softener?

Penny: Yeah, sure. What are you washing? A crocodile?

Leonard: No, the pants that Stephanie got me.

Penny: Oh, sweetie, you can’t machine wash these. They’ll be ruined.

Leonard: Are you sure?

Penny: Absolutely.

Leonard: Oh, no. I wish you’d told me that sooner.

Penny: Are you guys having problems?

Leonard: No, everything’s fine.

Penny: Really?

Leonard: Yeah. It’s wonderful. Okay, maybe this whole living together happened kind of suddenly, but it’s fine, it’s great.

Penny: Okay, Leonard, honey, you know, if you’re uncomfortable with the way things are going, you’re allowed to say something.

Leonard: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.

Penny: Believe me, your feelings are just as important as hers.

Leonard: No that doesn’t sound right either.

Penny: Just tell her you need the relationship to move at a pace that you both are comfortable with.

Leonard: Yeah, I could say something like that to her. I’ll go do that. Thank you.

Penny: Sure.

Leonard: You have a really good grasp on this. Maybe you could talk to her?

Penny: You’re kidding, right?

Leonard: No, but that’s okay. I’ll go talk to her. Want to come with?

Penny: Go! Wow.

Scene: The apartment.

Steph: Oh, no.

Sheldon: Wha?

Steph: You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it.

Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do?

Steph: You’re going to need to stop talking immediately.

Sheldon: For how…

Steph: Du-du-du-du! Immediately.

Leonard: Hey.

Steph: Oh, hi, honey.

Leonard: Sheldon. (He waves) What’s going on?

Steph: I just performed a Sheldonectomy.

Leonard: Careful, if you don’t get it all, it’ll only come back worse.

Steph: Gotcha.

Leonard: Listen, we need to talk.

Steph: Oh-oh. Do we need to talk or do we “need to talk”?

Leonard: I don’t know what that means.

Steph: Okay, why don’t you just tell me what it is you have to tell me?

Leonard: Okay, um, well, look, it’s just that things between you and me have been going pretty quick.

Steph: And?

Leonard: It’s just a little scary.

Steph: Well, yeah, but scary good, right?

Leonard: Sure, when is scary not good? But, okay, um, I have feelings, right?

Steph: Uh-huh.

Leonard: Okay, and it’s perfectly okay to express those feelings, right?

Steph: Of course honey why don’t you tell me what it is you’re feeling?

Leonard: Okay, well, I ju… I think it’s important to remember that we move at a pace that is our speed and… oh, sh**t, I had it!

Steph: Okay, how about this? How about I tell you what I’m feeling?

Leonard: What’s that? Really? Right now?

Steph: Why not?

Leonard: I just ate, aren’t you supposed to wait an hour?

Steph: I think that’s for swimming.

Leonard: Oh, okay. I just hope I don’t get cramps.

Steph: Yeah.

Scene: The laundry room.

Leonard: Hey.

Penny: Hey. Oh, I put your clothes in the dryer.

Leonard: Thank you.

Penny: Your pants are ruined.

Leonard: Good.

Penny: So, how did the talk with Stephanie go?

Leonard: Well, um, on one level, really, really well.

Penny: So, you told her you wanted to slow things down?

Leonard: Not specifically, but, uh, I did tell her that I had feelings.

Penny: Good, good. And then what?

Leonard: And then the, the subject got changed somehow.

Penny: You had sex, didn’t you?

Leonard: Um, little bit. (She looks at her watch) What?

Penny: Nothing. Okay, well, it sounds like things are going to work out.

Leonard: Yeah, yeah it’s all good. Everything’s going to work out. One way or another.

Penny: Come on, Leonard, you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to.

Leonard: Really?

Penny: Yes, you don’t always have to go along with what the woman wants.

Leonard: Huh.

Penny: What?

Leonard: Nothing, just rethinking my whole life. Okay, here’s the thing, I’m afraid that if I ask her to move out, she’ll just dump me.

Penny: Well, it’s a chance you have to take. I mean, look, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

Leonard: Very comforting. Okay, so what do I say to her?

Penny: I don’t know. I mean, what have women said to you when they wanted to slow a relationship down?

Leonard: I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?

Penny: Yeah, that’ll slow it down.

Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard and Steph have just had sex.

Steph: I’m sorry, I totally interrupted you. What were you saying?

Leonard: Oh, right, yeah, um, so, Stephanie, here’s the thing. I really like you.

Steph: Oh, God, here comes the speech.

Leonard: What speech?

Steph: I really like you, but maybe we should spend a little less time together ‘cause I need my space but I’ll call you on Tuesday, and then you never call me so I call you, but you don’t call me back and then when I run into you at the coffee shop you pretend like you’ve been having problems with your voice mail and I know that you’re lying, but I pretend like I don’t care even though I’m dying inside!

Leonard: No! No, no! I wasn’t going to say any of that. I was just going to say, I really like you.

Steph: Oh. Oh, good! ‘Cause I really like you, too.

Leonard: Terrific.

Scene: The university cafeteria.

Leonard: Hey.

Raj: Hey.

Howard: Hey. Nice sweater.

Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got it for me. It’s kind of fun.

Raj: It’s got a big bird on it, dude.

Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that’s the fun part. We’re also getting new curtains for my bedroom, and a dust ruffle, and a duvet, and I don’t even know what a duvet is but I’m pretty sure if I did I wouldn’t want one, but every time I talk to her about moving out she cries and we have sex.

Raj: You’re lucky. With me, it’s usually the other way around.

Howard: You know, if you can’t talk to her, why don’t you just text her?

Leonard: Isn’t that kind of cowardly?

Howard: Oh, yeah. It’s beyond contemptible.

Raj: It’s true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater.

Leonard: Sold. “I think it would be better for our relationship if you moved back to your place.” There. It’s done.

Howard: Good for you.

Leonard: Yeah, good for me. I’ll never have sex again. (Phone buzzes) I was wrong. See ya.

Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment. Sheldon has his laptop. He knocks three times, the presses a button and an electronic voice says “Penny”. He does this three times.

Penny (opening door): Sheldon?

Computer voice: I have an inflamed larynx.

Penny: Okay?

Computer voice: We’re out of herbal tea. Do you have any?

Penny: Okay, let me check.

Computer voice: Some hiney would be nice, too.

Penny: Hiney?

Computer voice: Honey.