04x08 - The 21-Second Excitation

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Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Okay, help me out here. How does an archaeology professor get that good with a whip?

Howard: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That’s how I learned.

Leonard: I can’t believe you’ve never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Penny: And I can’t believe you’ve never read Eat, Pray, Love.

Leonard: When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it.

Howard (after Raj whispers to him): I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.

Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.

Sheldon: That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.

Leonard: Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?

Sheldon: There’s no switch. Just listen and learn.

Howard: Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.

Penny: Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday?

Sheldon: Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.

Penny: What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!

Leonard: Exactly. They say it finally solves the submarine controversy.

Sheldon: Did Leonard? I’m no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I’m eight for 26 this month.

Penny: Yeah, I think I’ll pass. But you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.

Leonard: Bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we’d still be together.

Penny: Mm, yeah, no, we wouldn’t.

Howard: Uh-huh. I’m guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.

Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?

Leonard: Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight.

Sheldon: Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.

Howard: You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.

Sheldon: See? Howard’s on my side.

Howard: Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you.

Sheldon: Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.

Leonard: Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine.

Sheldon: What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?

Leonard: Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.

Sheldon: But how were our seats?

Leonard: Excellent.

Sheldon: I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?

Amy: Actually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I’ll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.

Sheldon: Shrewd.

Amy: Leonard, you’re right. We should enjoy our meal, arrive late, and risk winding up with terrible seats, assuming we get in at all.

Leonard: Thank you, Amy.

Amy: See? It’s working.

Bernadette: Knock-knock.

Howard: Who’s there?

Bernadette: Olive.

Howard: Olive you, too.

Leonard: Guys, that’s really starting to get old.

Howard: Knock-knock.

Leonard: Who’s there?

Howard: I have a girlfriend and you don’t.

Leonard: Hysterical!

Sheldon: Wait, now, we don’t know that yet. He isn’t finished. I have a girlfriend and you don’t who?

Howard: So. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us to Raiders?

Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab. Besides, Penny and I are having a girls’ night tonight.

Amy: Girls’ night? What does that entail?

Bernadette: Oh, you know, girls get together, hang out, share girl talk.

Amy: I’m a girl.

Bernadette: Oh. Well, maybe you can join us. I’ll ask Penny.

Amy: No need. Penny and I are very close.

Bernadette: You are?

Amy: Yes. In fact, our menses are synchronized. Penny. Bernadette tells me you’re planning a girls’ night.

Penny: Yeah?

Amy: I’m a girl.

Penny: Oh. Um, it was, it was just going to be me and Bernadette. Besides, I thought you were going to the movies with Sheldon and the guys.

Amy: Yes, but they’re not girls. I’m a girl.

Penny: Yeah, no, no, I-I-I got that.

Amy: What’s the dress code?

Penny: Uh, just wear something comfortable.

Amy: All right. I’ll have to go shopping.

Sheldon: Knock-knock.

Leonard: Who‘s there?

Sheldon: Hugh.

Leonard: Hugh who?

Sheldon: Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.

Scene: The movie theatre. The line is incredibly long.

Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.

Howard: Ooh. Can’t wait for that to start.

Sheldon: I informed you thusly.

Raj: Eight for 28.

Sheldon: This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.

Raj: Well I earned it, dude, I ate all my broccoli.

Sheldon: And here’s where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.

Leonard: So I guess it’s a good thing we stopped for dinner.

Raj: You know, guys, when facing disappointment, Eat, Pray, Love teaches us–

Howard: Oh, shut up.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Amy: So anyway, to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.

Penny: You know Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn’t just have to be about our lady parts.

Amy: Shame. ‘Cause I have a real zinger about my titled uterus.

Bernadette: Penny, your nails look great.

Penny: Oh, thanks. I found this place in Alhambra. It’s in a woman’s basement. I think it’s a front

for human trafficking, but they do a really good job.

Amy: A colleague of mine did her graduate thesis on the fungus that grows on improperly sterilized manicure implements. Well don’t tell me that’s not girl talk.

Penny: So where should we go tonight? A bar? A club? A movie?

Bernadette: Or we could just stay here.

Amy: Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever. Or BFF, if you prefer. Which I don’t.

Penny: All right, time to open Bachelor Number Two.

Bernadette: Gee, I don’t know if I should drink more. I have to drive home, and I’ve got enough trouble seeing over the dashboard as it is.

Penny: That’s okay. Y ou can just sleep here.

Amy: Oh, good, a slumber party! We’ll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!

Penny: Oh, gosh, Amy. I don’t know if I would call this an actual slumber party.

Amy: Well, that’s disappointing. I’ve always wanted to be invited to a slumber party.

Bernadette: Oh, you never were?

Penny: Not even when you were a kid?

Amy: Well, there was the time I had my tonsils out, and I shared a room with a little Vietnamese girl. She didn’t make it through the night, but up till then, it was kind of fun.

Penny: Okay. Well, I guess we’re having a slumber party. Oh!

Amy: Pillow fight!

Scene: The movie line.

Leonard: Oh, I hope they let us in soon. I’m tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time. It’s a vicious circle.

Howard: Too bad you don’t have a stadium pal like me.

Leonard: What’s a stadium pal?

Howard: Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.

Raj: Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre and the length of this line, we might not get seats.

Sheldon: What did he say?

Leonard: Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap.

Sheldon: We might not get seats?

Leonard: It’s fine, it’s fine. Go back to sleep.

Sheldon: Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly.

Leonard: Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?

Wil Wheaton: Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies!

Sheldon: Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.

Wil: Mee-sa think that very funny.

Sheldon: Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.

Theatre Staff: Wil Wheaton.

Wil: Yeah.

Theatre Staff: I’m a big fan.

Sheldon: Of what? Poorly ex*cuted beards?

Wil: Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late.

Theatre Staff: No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.

Wil: Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye.

Sheldon: This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.

Leonard: Calm down, Sheldon.

Sheldon: I will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!

Leonard: Had to wake him up from his nap, didn’t you?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Bernadette: You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.

Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?

Bernadette: No, just the one. But it’s really long.

Penny: Okay, there you go, Sultry Sunrise Red. What do you think?

Amy: My nails have never looked so pretty before. Get it off.

Scene: The movie line.

Raj: Oh, oh, uh, looks like they’re getting ready to let people in.

Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.

Leonard: Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it’s only going to upset you.

Sheldon: I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I’m a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: And that, girls, is how you make a phony phone call.

Amy: I’m not sure I grasp the full entertainment value, but all right. Next on Wikipedia’s list of slumber party activities, Truth or Dare.

Penny: Okay, it’s your game. You go first.

Amy: Hang on. I’m familiarizing myself with the rules. Seems fairly straightforward. Bernadette, truth or dare?

Bernadette: Truth.

Amy: All right. To what temperature must you heat beef in order to k*ll the prion that causes bovine spongiform encephalopathy?

Bernadette: Um.

Amy: Remember, you have to answer honestly.

Penny: Wait. No, Amy, you’re supposed to ask her something personal or embarrassing.

Amy: Oh. All right. What is the circumference of your areolas?

Scene: The movie line.

Sheldon: Munching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.

Theatre staff: Guys, I am sorry. We are full up.

Sheldon: No!

Theatre staff: We’re full up.

Leonard: We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?

Theatre staff: Sorry. Fire regulations. Should’ve gotten here earlier.

Sheldon: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t.

Theatre staff: ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.

Howard: I guess that’s that. Let’s go home.

Sheldon: You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.

Raj: We can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.

Sheldon: Look, a side door. Come on, Short Round.

Howard: I guess we’d better go after him.

Leonard: Short Round?

Raj: Indy’s young sidekick from Temple of Doom.

Leonard: Yeah, I know who it is, but why is it me?

Raj: You’re right. It should be a cuddly Asian boy. Like me.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Amy: And Absolon hath kist hir nether yea, and Nicholas is scalded in the towte. This tale is doon, and God save al the rowte.”

Penny: What the hell was that?

Amy: Bernadette dared me to tell a dirty story. The Miller’s Tale by Chaucer is the dirtiest story I know. It would have been hidden in sock drawers if people in the 14th century had worn socks.

Bernadette: I thought it was pretty spicy. Especially the part where he kisses her nether yea.

Amy: You might not like it as much if you knew what nether yea meant. Hint, if one cares about hygiene, one ought not be kissing it.

Bernadette: Okay, my turn. Penny, truth or dare?

Penny: Truth.

Bernadette: Why are you still hanging out with Leonard so much even though you broke up with him?

Amy: Oh, that’s an excellent question. For two people who claim to be no longer pair-bonded, you spend an inordinate amount of time in each other’s company.

Bernadette: Yeah.

Penny: Dare.

Amy: I don’t believe the rules allow for an ex post facto option change.

Bernadette: Yeah.

Penny: Okay, look, just because we’re not seeing each other anymore doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I mean, Leonard’s a great guy.

Amy: Then, why did you terminate your relationship with him?

Penny: I don’t know. He got really serious, and I wasn’t ready for it.

Amy: Interesting. How will you react if, in the future, you become ready for it, and Leonard is unavailable, because another woman has realized that he is, to use your words, a great guy?

Penny: You can only ask one question.

Amy and Bernadette together: That one.

Penny: You know what, I don’t want to play anymore.

Amy: Well, I’m not sure how this is scored, but I believe we may have won.

Scene: The movie theatre.

Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon?

Howard: Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.

Sheldon: You whistled?

Leonard: What is that?

Sheldon: Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.

Leonard: Sheldon, this is crazy.

Sheldon: No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.

Leonard: Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.

Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

Wil Wheaton: Oh, look who they let in.

Sheldon: Don’t worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!

Howard: Come on, Short Round.

Leonard: Yeah.

Scene: Outside the movie theatre.

Sheldon: Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!

Raj: Come on, guys! Hurry up! Hurry up!

Howard: Let’s see you run with a bag of urine strapped to your leg.

Wil: He’s got the movie! Get him!

Sheldon: Why is there never a pontoon plane when you need one?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Bernadette: She’s been in there a long time.

Amy: Clearly, losing Truth or Dare upset her. Perhaps we should try to take her mind off it with another popular slumber party activity.

Bernadette: Ooh, like what?

Amy: Well, the Internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.

Bernadette: Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?

Amy: Penny?

Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. Look, I’m sorry I got so upset. I just,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa! What are you doing?

Amy: Don’t worry. I’ll avoid the nether yea.

Bernadette: I might have gone with eating raw cookie dough.