01x04 - Casey Casden

("The Luck You Got" by The High Strung beings)

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling you're so sure of? ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so... sure of? ♪

Aw.

Sweet little baby.

Scarf on...

(humming happily)

Debbie, come in and eat your breakfast, okay?

You're up next in the shower.

I want to play for a while.

Ask Carl if he'll come out and get in the stroller.

The last time you asked Carl to play, you were locked in the basement for half a day.

That was on purpose.

And we were playing "Loser Goes to Gitmo."

FIONA: Let's go! And put that stroller back in the garbage.

(metal creaking)

Oh, man, yeah... That's, uh, it's dead.

You sure? Uh-huh.

The element's rusted out.

Anyone want to make some Tollhouse cookies with me?

How much to replace it?

Uh, two bills used, four new.

FIONA: sh1t.

How about a pie?

I can get started on the crust.

Go take your shower.

I... wanna... make... pie.

You know what? Hand me the obits.

Maybe, uh, we can scrounge a dead person's water heater.

Thank you.

Ah, Mrs. Dombrowski.

Oh, the, uh, shaky neck lady?

I thought she drowned a couple years ago.

DEBBIE: No. Mrs. Goga had the shaky neck, and she drowned in her own vomit last Easter.

No pie. Get in the shower. I'm not saying it again.

Carl, no.

I went to school with Kenny Dombrowski.

Think he had a crush on me.

Her wake's this morning. Let's go.

Mm. Up, up, up.

Can I come?

Um... no.

Debbie, what is going on with you?

Nothing.

(Fiona sighs with frustration)

(inhales)

Oof. Shower.

After Debbie.

Towel and robe, upstairs. Go.

(Liam jabbers)

And you need to learn how to change your own diaper.

(people talking outside)

MAN: All right, it's getting kind of windy.

Beautiful day for a party!

MAN: It's for kids, Frank! No booze!

(quietly): Son of a...

Oh...

How would you like your eggs, sweetie?

Fluffy. Oh.

They're having a party across the street.

What, dear?

Across the street.

Some sort of a party for kids.

No booze.

What's the point?

♪ ♪

Dad?

KAREN: What the hell is he doing here?

(laughing)

(heavy breathing)

Debbie?

What? What? Stay focused, baby.

Are the Gallaghers in our bathroom?

Oh, I know what you need, huh?

Huh? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Want some... Yeah? Mm-hmm.

(kissing)

Ooh...

All right, they're ready. Aha.

Fluffy, fluffy, floo-floo.

Went to see a lawyer.

It turns out I can't afford to live somewhere else and support you two.

Three.

Why can't you stay with Uncle Ray?

He's got gangrene.

You ever smell a rotting foot?

Hey.

Why don't you get me a refill there, huh, Karen, honey?

What, did you lose your f*cking legs?

Yeah, that's your teenage, diseased mind talking.

EDDIE: You know, you tasted penii, and now you're just crazy.

(coughing)

(funky intro begins)

♪ It's hotter, it's sweeter ♪
♪ It's hotter, it's sweeter ♪
♪ Hotter, sweeter ♪
♪ Hotter, sweeter ♪
♪ Hotter, sweeter ♪
♪ Hotter, sweeter ♪

(shower running)

(flushes)

(screams)

Oh, sh1t! That's cold!

What the hell? Veronica!

There's no hot water.

What?

f*cking Gallaghers!

Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.

Tall grande latte, two shots.

Sugar? Absolutely.

Kids home?

Mm...

Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap.

So...

No.

I'm up to my ass in housework.

That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.

Lunch?

It's a euphemism.

How quaint.

Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick f*ck over at the Sheridan?

Liam? Get a sitter.

Costs too much.

How much?

At least 50 bucks.

You're not paying me to f*ck you.

No, I couldn't pay you enough.

(distant thud)

Did you hear that?

No.

You didn't hear that?

You trying to change the subject?

(thudding)

Liam?

He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.

(thudding)

You stay with Liam. Wait, wait, wait...

(whispering): You take the baby, I'll take the bat.

(whispers indistinctly)

(clattering)

Debbie! Jesus!

Thought you went to the park.

I... came back.

Are you okay?

Katie Crasden's having a party.

Katie Crasden?

Two streets over.

STEVE: And she... didn't invite you?

She's only three.

What happened?

Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...

Her dad did what?

He was laughing and playing with them, and it just...

It wasn't fair.

What wasn't fair? What?

Everything.

So I, I, um...

I stole something.

Oh...

(sighs)

So nobody touched you?

What?

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

TODDLER: A bike.

TODDLER: Race car... Don't hit the train!

Debbie?

(giggles)

Who the hell is that?

(siren wailing)

WOMAN: We'll all be... We'll just organize.

We'll be okay.

(sirens approaching)

(sirens stop)

MAN: Just relax.

Oh, here we go!

No traffic tickets to issue today?

No one to pull over for swinging wide on a left-hand turn?

Or is this a supportive "friend party" for a cop who shot some poor fucker wasn't even armed?!

Leave the people around here alone.

They're good folks!

Who are the parents?

Let's go, people. Out of the way.

Your child's missing?

MAN: Yeah. I need your names and the name of the child.

Beth and Gary Casden.

Mr. and Mrs. Casden, when is the last time you saw...? - Uh, Ca-Casey.

It's been about an hour ago.

Okay, okay. What was he wearing?

(chuckles)

Debbie, why would you steal a little girl?

Why would you steal a little boy and dress him like a little girl?

(speaks indistinctly, laughs)

I wanted a girl, but there weren't any.

Then back to my initial question: Why would you steal a baby at all?

I miss Ginger.

What? Who?

You took away Aunt Ginger!

Who is Aunt Ginger?

Somebody we borrowed from V's nursing home.

What?

She was my friend.

We have to take him back right away, okay?

Where are his boy clothes?

I washed them.

Oh, my God, it shrunk!

You put it in the dryer?

That's what you do after you wash something.

Um, we can put him in some of Liam's clothes.

We can't bring a missing kid back wearing different clothes.

People will say we did something to him.

Something bad.

MIKE (over P.A.): Attention: This is...

Attention: This is the Chicago...

Push, then... I know what to push.

Attention! This is the Chicago...

No. All right. What are you doing?

Mike, we have to get the information out.

Then let me drive. No.

Look, I've been a cop a lot longer than you.

You don't get to drive and talk on the loudspeaker.

What, are you gonna call your uncle?

Attention: This is the Chicago Police Department.

We're looking for a missing two-year-old...

IAN: So we're just gonna wait out here?

He's a chain-smoking pothead in a stress-inducing situation; he'll be out soon.

What are we supposed to say?

I don't know. Just play it cool.

Play what cool?

Things people play cool. Jesus, Ian!

(phone rings)

You got your own cell?

No, some kid left it in the cafeteria. Ah.

Hey, Kare.

Yeah, I'm at some dead lady's house trying to see if I can score a water heater.

Meet me after?

FIONA: Hey, V?!

I'm in the bathroom!

Hey, I'm in a bit of a jam.

Can you watch him for 15 minutes?

Damn, Fi, you see I'm in the middle of doing my...

Thanks. Okay, sure.

Hey, Li...!

Who the f*ck are you?

(siren approaching)

Oh, sh1t!

Hey, Fiona.

Hey, Tony.

You remember Steve?

Yeah. How's it going?

Uh, hear about the missing boy?

No. What happened?

Got taken from a front yard birthday party.

Do they think he might have just wandered off?

We've got everybody out looking: choppers, SWAT, couple dozen extra units, Amber alerts.

Wow. Really.

We're gonna catch the b*st*rd that took little Casey and chop his pedophile nuts off.

(helicopter passes, siren wails)

Less than two hours ago, a young boy, only two years of age, was abducted from his front yard.

You see this?

This is what happens when the world goes crazy.

People steal kids.

And Rastafarians are allowed to roam free.

I don't mean real Rastafarians.

I mean Rastaman Goldberg's from Lake Forest with rich parents who get dropped off in Town Cars to go beg for money on the streets.

What a load of crap.

Obamacare, my ass!

What the news people don't tell you?

They love it when kids get stolen.

They're just looking for a good story to saturate our airwaves with.

And why are all the news ladies Chinese?

They should stick to what they know: railroads... sushi...dim sum.

Frank, guess what.

I made muffins using a Bundt cake batter.

I didn't even need to add another egg.

(chuckles)

Hi, sweetie.

The shithead gone?

He just left for work.

EDDIE: I'm still here.

Just getting my coat.

I just had some delicious penii.

SHEILA: What?

Little Casey up the street? Gone missing right from his own backyard.

Oh, that's terrible.

You missed...

(newscast playing quietly)

MAN (on TV): ...Casey is a loving and kind child...

(sultry groan)

Mm...!

(newscast continues quietly)

MAN: It was less than that!

WOMAN: My husband Mark said that he saw...

I know you're all concerned, okay? I know.

Everybody calm down... I'll get to all of you, okay?

Uh, you first, okay? All right. We...

I wasn't sure what size, so bought three just in case.

Oh, slow down. Stop the car! What?

Hey! Hey!

Hey, almost new.

Debbie stole a baby... We have to figure out how to return it.

Debbie stole a baby? STEVE: Yeah.

Why?

It's Debbie.

I did not see that coming.

Um... can't we just give it back?

I wish we could. It's too late now.

Wow.

Find Carl and get home now.

Yeah.

TONY (over P.A.): We're looking for a missing boy named Casey.

Last seen wearing a Superman costume.

Two years old.

Any information would be greatly appreciated.

No questions asked.

Why the f*ck wouldn't we ask questions?

Because we want people to feel safe.

How do you find out what happened if you don't ask questions?

You understand the premise, right?

People feel safe, they give information, we find the kid.

Safe, my ass. I'm asking questions.

Okay, yeah. I'm gonna ask f*cking questions.

That's what you do. Go ahead. Yeah, sure.

You do what you want to do.

Casey Casden, last seen (in distance): ...wearing a Superman costume...

Kev, stop!

What's Liam doing here?

It's not Liam.

Who the hell is this?! I don't know.

Fiona dropped him off.

TONY (over P.A.): Attention, all residents.

There is a child still missing.

Approximately two years of age, and wearing a Superman costume.

If you've seen this boy... f*cking Gallaghers.

When I was a kid, we could go to a birthday party and our parents wouldn't worry that we were gonna get stolen out of the front yard by some perv.

That's when America had values.

Before Wal-Mart and Dukakis, peanut butter and jelly in one jar.

You know, you're too young to remember this, but there was a time when policemen were respected, when young men wanted to fight for their country.

When you could go vote twice for Mayor Daley, down at the 11th Ward.

Before some liberal pricks elected a Muslim who isn't even American?

FIONA: We need to get your stories straight for the police.

Why did you take the boy?

He was crying for his mom, and his mom wasn't around.

Did you try to find his mom?

No, he was crying and nobody cared, so I took him.

You can't say that! What's wrong with you?! Hey, Fi!

You know what, Debs?

Was he inside or outside of the yard when you grabbed him?

Inside.

Well, okay, so how'd you get him out?

I waved a Snickers bar at him.

Did anybody see you?

I don't think so. We just ran.

That wasn't suspicious.

So you were running down the street...

I used a stroller.

FIONA: What stroller?

Liam's old one.

The one I told you to throw out?

I fixed it.

For emergencies.

(banging on door)

VERONICA: Open up! Hurry!

Oh, sh1t.

What in the hell is going on?

Is this that missing kid?

Debbie stole him. And now we have to figure out how to give him back without getting her 36 months in juvie.

Why in the world would she steal...

There must be a couple hundred cops out there.

I know. I'm so sorry.

Debs, will you watch him for a second?

VERONICA: Come with us.

Casey, we're gonna play a couple games, okay?

I'm not sure what's going on with her.

Oh, maybe it's 'cause your mom bailed and Frank's a big drunk.

Oh, what, I'm asshole now? She's the one who stole a baby.

All right, look, she obviously planned it.

I mean, she took a stroller out of the garbage and she fixed it.

All right, hey, Debbie's still is a little kid.

Worst thing that happens is she gets some help.

Help? What kind of help?

She stole a baby. She's not crazy.

She just sort of accidentally took a kid. Not if she lured him out of the yard with a candy bar.

What are you suggesting?

Some kind or professional...

What, a shrink?

Gallaghers do not do therapy.

TONY (over P.A.): We're looking for a missing two-year-old boy... Casey Casden.

He was last seen wearing a Superman costume.

If you have any information, call 911.

Lip, we need a plan to get that boy back to his family or Family Services is gonna have a field day.

Family Services?

If they find out Frank's moved, they'll take the kids.

Split 'em up.

Remember what happened last time?

sh1t. Exactly.

All right, Carl, you know that pay phone that's outside of the Kash and Grab?

Yeah. All right, I want you to get on your bike, go to the pay phone, call the police, tell them that you saw a little boy walking down Southport Avenue at 2:45, okay?

Why should I? Want to be in a children's home until you're 18?

Group home on Union has a climbing wall.

Carl...

(sighs)

I don't have a bike.

Wire cutter's in the junk drawer.

What...?

Steve, Fiona, you guys have to get Debs to take that kid back.

I don't know that I can make that happen.

Fiona, you have to, or else we're all f*cked.

Okay.

Why do I have to do it?

Because we've already told the police we don't know anything about it.

I'm not a good liar.

You can do this.

I'm not! You always say so!

Oh, hey, you know what, Debs? It's been hours, and Casey's parents are probably really worried about him.

You remember that pie you wanted to make?

Let's do that tonight.

What do I have to do?

I saw a little boy walking down Southport Avenue at, like, 2:45.

2:45? Yeah, 2:45!

Asshole.

Got a sighting.

Kid saw the boy walking down Southport.

DEBBIE:I was walking up Southport Avenue when I saw little Casey.

Nah... You didn't know his name.

A little boy.

Yeah. All alone.

All alone... and crying.

I asked her where her mom went.

Not her.

Oh, um, I asked him where his mom was.

And she didn't know.

He seemed upset, so I gave him some chocolate.

Good, Debs. You're doing great.

LIP: All right, Veronica, I want you to go to the cleaners, ask Mrs. Bergdoll to use the phone in the back.

That woman's a cold bitch. I've got something for that, okay?

Don't worry about it.

Hey, Mrs. B., can I use your phone really quick?

I got some green bud for your glaucoma.

Mm...!

I saw a little boy with a Superman suit walking down Grand Avenue.

What time was that?

About 15 minutes ago.

And I thought, maybe this is the little boy everyone's been talking about.

I'm sorry...

A Spider-Man suit?

I didn't say Spider-Man; I said Superman.

He had a cape and he was walking with a little girl.

Can you describe the... Asshole.

DEBBIE: So I went to the phone outside Connie's Pizza and called the police.

But I couldn't use the phone, because it was broken.

And did you try to call anyone else?

Yes, I did.

Oh. Right.

I was standing on the street, and I asked people who were passing if I could use their phone.

I said it was an emergency, but no one listened.

I don't know if it was because I was young or...

Oh!

Poor!

(newscast plays indistinctly in distance)

Ha-ha-ha-ho.

Okay, let's see...

(gasps anxiously)

(sighs)

Frank?!

Oh... what am I gonna do?

Stop?

(groans quietly)

(unzips)

(farting)

Hi, Frank. sh1t!

Sorry! Karen!

I thought you were gone.

Frank?

Pass me a towel?

(wry laugh)

You got it all wet.

A hand towel is fine.

And don't throw it, please.

Casey!

(heavy sigh)


Kev, what time you going to work today?

Uh, I go in at 6:00. You're going in early.

You should go in, tell them you saw a little boy in a Superman costume walking down Grand Avenue.

What are you doing here? You're not on till 6:00.

But I'm here now; what's the harm?

Gary! How you doin', man? Hey!

Another Old Style? Yep.

Gosh, you know what?

I am feeling nostaglic today.

Did you hear what I said?

Said I was feeling nostalgic.

MAN: What's nostalgic?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I was walking to work, and I saw this cute little kid wearing a Superman costume.

You know, with the cape and everything?

Takes you back. He was a cute kid.

Yeah, Superman costume.

Cute little kid.

A little kid in a Superman costume?

Superman costume. Sandy hair.

That's the little boy that's missing.

Where did you see him?

On Grand. I just passed him, like, five minutes ago.

Well, we have to call that in, Kev.

Yes, we do!

Hey, how's my favorite lady doing?

Well, she'll be better when her Powerball numbers come up, and Allied Shippers can kiss her fine black ass.

(both laughing)

Yeah, I got a good feeling on that one. You say that every week.

Four vodka tonics?

No, only three today.

Marilyn wants a virgin colada.

She blacked out last night, so she a little nervous.

No, no, no, no, if I can't buy my girlfriend's mom drinks, what good am I? No damn good.

That's right. Can I get these for you?

No. I got 'em.

(giggling)

Ladies, how you doing?

I'm just gonna grab these glasses... that okay?

You can grab anything of mine you like.

What's your name? Kev.

Kev. That's nice and short and easy to whisper, like...

(whispering): Do it again, Kev.

(laughing): Uh-huh... yeah...

Mr. Barkeep... a large boilermaker.

And keep 'em comin'.

Hey, did you bring in the water heater from the back porch?

No. Well, it's not on the porch.

Seriously.

Bunch of f*cking animals.

Steve, Debbie, Liam, we gotta go.

Fiona, you got Casey, all right?

I'll see you at Sheila's after.

Hey, don't worry, she's gonna do great.

She doesn't even seem sorry.

Nah, she is. She's just a kid.

She can't tell lies. She never could.

We're all going to jail.

Why can't I just take Casey back now?

We can't let anybody see you, with Casey, leaving our house.

Look, Fiona is gonna take Casey to the rendezvous spot.

She'll give him to you and then you'll take him back to his house from there.

Otherwise, the plan won't work.

Fiona is gonna go to Shiela's, to make sure she has an alibi.

I don't think I can do this.

Yeah, you're gonna be great, Debs.

Just... don't f*ck it up.

Hey, Debs...

Yeah?

Do you know why doctors, lawyers and nurses are great liars?

No.

Because they lie to help people.

Like, a doctor wouldn't tell a sick patient, "Too bad, you're gonna die."

He would say, "We're doing everything we can," wouldn't he?

(hesitantly): Yeah...

So, pretend you're being a doctor today, and tell a doctor's kind of lie.

Can you be a doctor for me?

Can I be a nurse?

That's my girl.

(sirens wailing in distance)

ANCHORWOMAN: In just a moment, we will take you live to the scene of the crime, with our field correspondent Charles Catino.

But first, if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Casey Casden, please call the number at the bottom of your screen.

Charles, are you there?

(women laughing loudly)

(laughing, screaming)

Shots on me!

You are soaking wet!

(women laughing, squealing)

(stammering)

Uh, so... fixing up the basement.

Mm-hmm. Gonna try.

Sheetrock that corner space for my bed.

The other half's already paneled, so I'm good there.

Got a spot for the sink; toilet's already in.

So, just run some cable for the flat-screen, and I'm all set.

So... that Sheila, she's something, huh?

That's one way to put it.

Does your ass ever stop hurting?

No.

Advil's your best bet.

Helps with the inflammation.

Hey, Kev.

Hey. You see my friend?

I know she acts like she hits on everyone, but she's doesn't.

She likes you.

Well, I'm flattered, but I can't.

Kev, you wanna get to it?

Oh, come on, what can one little drink hurt?

Um, uh...

Yeah... Really, no.

Look, she doesn't care if you have a girlfriend.

Neither do I.

Can you handle two?

What, the both of you?

(clears throat)

Uh, I can't, really.

Actually, um... I'm getting married.

What-What-What's that, now? Married?!

No, no, no, Frank... Frank, can I get you a shot?

Veronica?

Frank, it...

Hey, Jess!

(slurring): Roll out the champagne!

Our boy here is getting hitched!

What?!

Kev is marrying Veronica!

Frank! Carol! Carol!

Carol, come here!

No, no, Frank... Frank... Carol, where are you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Fr...

Carol! No, no, no, no, no! Frank!

Kev's making an honest woman out of your daughter!

You what?! Yeah!

CAROL: Oh, my God!

(laughing)

And to think I was over there, drinking, worried about that missing boy.

Who gives a sh1t about that now? Hey!

My daughter's getting married! Kev's getting married to Veronica!

(all whooping, yelling)

And I got the oldest bottle of Asti Spumanti!

Oh!

You have made me... the happiest woman in the world.

I'm gonna go call Veronica.

Wait, wait! No.

She'll want to call you.

You don't want to ruin the surprise.

Okay, everybody, drinks on the house!

(cheering, whistling, whooping)

Here you go... one for the mama!

There you go!

All right, one for the big daddy... Now for the mama.

There we go!

Yeah!

(slurping loudly)

(straw squeaking)

Fiona Gallagher?!

Yeah. Yeah, what about her?

Nothing.

Good.

(straw squeaks)

(slurps)

(straw squeaks)

You really wanna hook up with her?

A lot of kids over there, man.

You're kidding, right?

Your marriage only lasted six weeks.

Seven.

And she wound up with the house.

My car's paid off!

You giving me advice is ridiculous.

(slurping)

(sucking silently)

(TV newscast playing indistinctly)

Fiona...

What a pleasant surprise.

So they haven't found him yet?

(sighs heavily)

I can't stop thinking about what his parents must be going through.

I know.

(sighs sadly)

Do you want a drink?

I've got a lot of booze.

No mixers.

Cup of coffee would be great.

Why don't I make it?

Oh, don't mind me.

I accidentally took three of my pills instead of one.

(newscast continuing indistinctly)

Hey, wait a second...

Hiya, mister.

Hey, there.

How about giving me a big hug?

(marker squeaking)

I'm gonna blush, and then they'll know!

I can't be a nurse. I'm not patient.

I hate bedpans.

I can't walk in clogs.

And let's face it, I'm too small!

Peek-a-boo!

Peek-a-boo... Oh, my God!

Mommy!

Casey's back!

I don't believe it!

Is it him? Mommy!

It is!

He's back.

(sobbing) My baby!

Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you!

Where did you find him?

He was walking all by himself.

I didn't know where he lived.

Thank you. You're an angel.

I don't, I don't...

I don't know how to thank you.

Uh, here, just, uh...

Here, take-take all... Take it.

Take all of it. Just take everything.

Thank you. Thank you.

I told you we'd find him.

My Debbie found him! A Gallagher saved the day!

You bunch of losers.

Bye!

That's Deb's.

No, I-I'm just helping her.

Hey! You're on my hand. You're...

All right, I am your father.

Hey, Deb. Good job.

Fiona, you want to come with us, please?

Where?

We need to take Deb to the station.

What for?

We need to take a statement.

Well, she-she found him.

I mean, isn't that enough?

We need a statement.

You can stay with her.

Nurse Debbie can handle it.

What I'm trying to tell you is that I have never seen her love anybody...

I mean, anybody...

Oh no... No...Anybody as much as she loves you.

For real?

I'm for real.

Including her daddy.

No! Mm-hmm.

Come on.

Ooh, and honey, she love him... Mm!

Whoo! Mm-mmm.

Oh, sh1t.

V!

V!

V!

V!

Can you hear me?

I need to speak to Veronica Fisher.

What the hell?!

What are you doing?

I'm here to tell you something.

I mean, I need to ask you something.

How did you get so drunk in the middle of the afternoon?

Veronica Fisher, will you do me the honor of being my wife?

Yes! Yeah!

(Kevin groans)

I love you, baby.

I love you!

(laughs)

I first saw him on Southport.

He caught my eye because my baby brother Liam loves Superman.

After I noticed he was alone, I took his hand.

He's a very good walker and very well-manned for a toddler.

I thought for sure someone would let me use their phone.

You know, I'm just so shocked at the lack of humanity.

Yes, I'd love a cookie.

I remember Grand Avenue from my Aunt Ginger.

Do they require you to wear a jacket and tie or is that your choice?

I find it very fetching!

Big day.

Yeah.

Happy ending.

Yep.

You missed a good pot roast last week.

My mom really pulled out all the stops.

Yeah...

I'm sorry about that.

KAREN: That's so great about Debbie finding that little Casey.

Yeah, I know.

He was lucky it was her and not some crazy fucker.

I like your new jeans.

Oh, thanks.

They didn't cheer me up as much as I'd hoped.

My house is so f*cking weird.

I wish I'd been kidnapped.

Is it that bad?

Yeah. You should have seen him at breakfast.

I can't imagine what dinners are gonna be like.

And, in fact, as soon as he gets down to the bottom, I look back and there are all these people behind us...

Yes.

...And I start yelling, "Go back! Go back!"

Why? (laughs)

Because he stepped off of the thing, and he just stopped there.

And there are all of these people...

Oh, thank you.

You know, your house is Frank's wet dream.

Never gonna get him out.

Wanna sneak into my backyard and do it on the tire swing?

Lip?

Wait, I'm thinking.

REPORTER (on TV): Well, I guess sometimes there are happy endings.

Casey Casden, the little boy who disappeared from his own front yard earlier today has been delivered home safe and sound.

ANCHORMAN: Oh, thank you, Lisa. That is indeed great, great...

(whispering): Fiona!

♪ ♪

What's up?

Um, for Debbie.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Hey, Debs, look what Steve bought.

Oh, my God!

For me?

Absolutely.

For doing such a great job today.

Thank you!

What you gonna name her?

(laughing)

Gin-Gin.

After Aunt Ginger.

Let's go up to my room. We can play!

(laughing)

Oh, Gin-Gin, you're so funny.

(Debbie giggling)

DEBBIE: Oh, Gin-Gin...

(groans)

VERONICA: Kevin, wake up.

It's time to get drunk again.

$690, $700, $710, $715 exactly.

Hmm... Ah.

(keypad beeping)

(groans)

(sighs)

Thanks for buying her that doll.

No. Not a problem.

You know what would feel great right now?

Hmm? A long, hot shower.

I'll wash your back.

sh1t.

No hot water.

You really are beautiful.

I hope I'm not f*cking up the kids.

VERONICA: Fiona!

Fiona, where are you?

(laughing)

Here.

Fiona!

Yeah!

Mommy!

(laughing)

What the hell? Champagne?

I'm getting married.

Oh, my God!

(all cheering)

(music blaring)

(everyone talking, laughing)

She's great.

Yeah, man.

She's a good egg.

She deserves it.

Yeah, but does she deserve you, you b*st*rd?

(chuckles)

No. Nobody does.

Take the Advil now.

You want to stay ahead of the pain.

(sighs)

(music blaring over indistinct conversation)

(laughter, conversation continue)

Penny for your thoughts.

Really, Grandma?

I know.

I'm a 60-year-old lady with the vaj of a newborn.

(spluttering laugh)

(laughing)

You know I love you guys, right, Kev?

I couldn't raise these kids without you and V.

I know they borrow your sh1t all the time.

I'm sorry. I know it's lame.

But thanks. (kisses)

I don't know how I'd do it without you guys.

And I just love you so much.

I'm just so happy for you both.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know that Jagermeister really makes you chatty.

Right? You know that?

(laughing)

Look at V.

Isn't she beautiful?

Yeah... She sure is.

(beeping in distance)

What the hell is that?

Debbie?

It's our new water heater.

I got it on sale.

(all laughing)

And free delivery.

He said because I'm a hero.

You are my girl!

Oh, man.

You're gonna go to the back and you're gonna make a sharp left.

And install it in the kitchen.

Take it in the kitchen. Go straight down.

DEBBIE: By the way, I call the first hot shower.

That was something, huh?

Yeah.

You know, for a guy who just got engaged, you don't seem very happy to be getting married.

That's 'cause I'm already married.

Debs, you've got to get ready for school.

I can't go to school.

Why not?

Gin-Gin had me up half the night with diarrhea.