01x06 - Killer Carl

Last week on Shameless, this is what we were doing: Your house is Frank's wet dream.

Never gonna get him out.

EDDIE: Turns out I can't afford to live somewhere else and support you two.

Why can't you stay with Uncle Ray?

When I get back, I want the new stock shelved with all the labels facing the same direction.

We're gonna have a whole night together to celebrate.

This is your house... where you live with Linda and the kids.

I'm gay, dude, not queer.

Five hundred and eight-seven dollars.

I'm taking the PSAT's for some Polish kid over in Ridgedale?

I told Richie that your rates went up.

So he's giving you $150.

See you in three hours. Be out in two.

I am going to a wedding today.

I am really gonna do it this time.

You're coming, Mom?

I'll just get you a piece of cake, Mom.

That would just be...

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling you're so sure of? ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so... sure of? ♪

(faucet running, radio broadcast plays quietly)

(quietly): Mm.

(quietly): Mm.

Mm.

Brush your teeth; I want to play.

Smoothie. Thanks.

Hello, Liam.

How you doin', huh?

(Debbie sighs)

Didn't Fiona tell you to stop electrocuting dolls?

They have to pay for their sins.

(passionate breathing)

You almost there?

What? I got to make lunches.

Oh, tell me more.

Well, first I cut off the crusts...

Uh-huh. - ...and then I put the apple slices in a baggie...

Oh, don't stop.

(whispers): You look amazing.

Hurry up.

I don't want to go before you.

I already had a couple.

You didn't make a sound.

Big family; thin walls.

When you consider how humans evolved, they were probably used to mating in public.

But one day a pioneer that really wanted to get freaky...Steve...

What? What? Steve, I'm late.

Focus.

(both panting)

Damn it! Carl!

CARL: It's not me!

Hector's at the pole again!

Hector!

Hey, Hector... is there any way that you could...

I can't this time, Fiona.

It's the third red notice this year. I'm sorry.

Not the first time we got shut off; won't be the last.

Is there any way that you can scrape the money together today?

We have it.

She just forgot to pay it.

I took an extra shift yesterday, and I just spaced it.

Call my cell phone when you pay it, I'll swing back at the end of the day.

Thanks, Hector.

(sighs)

"Arts and Leisure"? So I can read about pagan-worshipping actors complaining about how America sucks?

I'll stick to my steroid-riddled athletes, thank you.

So... what's the verdict?

The banana and blueberry are spectacular. Oh!

KAREN: So good, Mom. Really?

So, tonight we are going to go off the beaten path.

We are going to have...

Hungarian night.

All right? We're gonna have hurka FRANK: Mm! and toltott tojas and rakott krumpli!

Guaranteed to exit your colon at the speed of sound.

Huh!

Mom... it's Parents Night at school tonight.

Right.

Right. I will be there, sweetie.

I've been working towards that.

That's right, I have it right on my calendar.

I circled it. I've just been, I've just been busy, busy, but I will be there.

Dad, will you join us at Parents Night tonight?

Me?

Not you, fuckface.

I was talking to Daddy Frank.

Daddy Frank, will you come?

Oh... no, no, ladies... I don't do school.

We all have our phobias, and school is mine.

All of it.

Textbooks full of falsehoods, teachers' unions full of thugs, and tenured imbeciles who still use words like "irregardless."

Not for me.

However, the crepes... merci.

Uh, regarding dinner, why not just move it up, do the Hungarian thing at 5:00?

What do you say?

Well, think it over. Whatever.

I'll be back before 5:00. I got a meeting.

SHEILA: Karen? Sweetie?

I'm gonna be there, okay?

I have a session today.

I'm gonna have a breakthrough, I can see it.

(scoffing, snickering): Yeah, come on...

KAREN: Keep laughing, and I will slit your throat while you sleep.

(knocking on door)

I'm coming.

Warren. Debbie.

Lip upstairs? Yeah.

FIONA: Carl, eat.

Don't organize, okay? After you eat them, they all end up in the same place.

Who was at the door?

DEBBIE: Warren for Lip.

Don't worry about the ketchup and stuff.

Just the milk and the meat. STEVE: All right, enough hot water for at last one more shower.

Did Carl blow up the neighborhood again?

No, I forgot to pay the bill.

Hey...

(pats her behind) happens to the best of us.

Not to me, okay?

I-I'm not like this.

Like what? Distracted.

Yeah, by what?

Well, you're the only new thing in the mix.

Wait, am I actually distracting Fiona Gallagher?

Really!

I... hey...

I will make a coffee run after I finish.

Fine. Okay?

Time for school, okay?

Lip! Feet on the floor!

Lip?

(sighs)

Warren.

Where's my paper?

Where's my money?

I got it.

Okay.

I want to see it.

$35, right?

No, $50.

Ching chow choon chow cho ching wang hang fo.... Stop speaking fake Korean, Warren.

I never said $35.

Not for the paper I wrote you last month, not for the paper I wrote you last semester, not for this one.

All right? It's $50.

Can you do $36?

No.

$38?

(groans): Oh...

Warren... once again proving that Koreans are the Asian Jews.

That's racist.

No. Facts cannot be racist.

Many Irish are drunks.

Many French smell.

Most Chinese hate children.

That's why they sell them to Americans.

Now, the fact here is that you, the one Korean I know, made a deal of 50 bucks for an original essay about The Great goddamn Gatsby, yet... once again, you're trying to get me to lower my agreed-upon price.

Okay? So...

I want you to give me $50 or GFY.

GFY?

Go f*ck Yourself.

You're short again. What?

Inventory.

Gone, out the door without being paid for.

Soup, beer, chips, cigarettes, lollipops, salt... people are stealing salt, Kash, what the hell?

Kids, why don't you go in the back and get yourself some juice.

Boys, stay right where you are.

You need to hear this.

Other than genetic markers for heart disease and bad teeth, this dump is the sum total of what we're leaving you.

The shoplifting is out of hand...

$320 in one week.

This is not a food bank.

What are you doing when all this thievery is taking place?

You playing Brickbreaker on your phone?

Do I need to get the security cameras fixed?

'Cause that's a $2,500 bill we cannot afford.

Do me a favor while I take the kids to school... grow a pair.

Come on, boys.

You guys have your lunches?

(can crackles)

(turns engine off)

(grunts)

(gasps, pants)

You sure this is it?

Yeah. Can I please go now?

When the kids leave.

Oh, Liam, we got to get you onto this potty!

We can take some of the money that we spent on diapers, and we can buy you candy, and cars!

Don't you like candy and cars?

Ah, rewards for sh1tting... the good old days.

Hey, let me help.

Okay, cool.

When Liam starts holding his breath and squinting, put him on this.

The power bill.

(sighs)

Come on, I'm almost living here.

No, you're not.

Lip gave me enough to pay for it yesterday.

I picked up a last-minute shift at the motel and forgot to walk it to the payment center.

STEVE: 430 bucks?

Lip's a bit flush this month. It's S.A.T. season.

He's always flush during S.A.T. season.

S.A.T.?

College tests.

He tutors?

Uh, no. He takes.

Okay, go play with your cars.

Oh, hey, I got another lead for you. Oh, set it up, douche.

I'm taking it for someone else after school today, but, uh, there's another session in two weeks.

All right.

Don't take the phone today, okay? I need it.

I need it.

(laughs) For what?

Cold calling, for baby-sitting gigs.

I sound more mature on the phone.

I'm using the phone today, okay?

Everybody go. You're gonna be late.

STEVE: I'll give you guys a ride.

Thank you.

Teacher told me to give this to you.

Wait. What did you do? Nothing.

This is from last Friday.

It's Wednesday! Carl!

Wait, whoa, what'd he do?

Nothing. Hey, bat stays here.

Why do we keep having this conversation?

Because you never take the money.

Because I don't need it.

Don't you have someplace to be?

MAN: Catholics... look at 'em all.

They replicate like rabbits.

But, you know, if the Pope ever approves of condoms, I'd get baptized.

A lot I like about the Catholic Mass.

(car door closes)

Good to know.

Let's get this over with.

(groans)

(door closes)

Who forgot what?

Frank forgot to pay.

Get the f*ck out of my house.

You should dead-bolt your door.

This is a dangerous neighborhood.

Frank doesn't live here anymore.

Yeah, well, just 'cause he don't live here anymore, doesn't mean you don't know where he lives now.

Put the bat down, pick up the phone, and tell him to get us the six grand he owes.

What?

Or bring back the car.

Or we'll come back and use the bat on you.

(door closes)

(sighs)

It's a buck-50 up front.

When you get your S.A.T. results back and see how great Lip did, it's another buck-50.

And we do this today?

No, today's session is booked.

Three weeks.

So I sit next to you while you take the test?

No.

He's pretending to be you.

You can't be there.

Why would they think you're me?

Well, I'll have a I.D. That says that I am you.

But what if they ask me for my I.D.?

I'm going to make a fake I.D.

But I'm tall.

Yeah. That's-That's a chance were just going to have to take.

Yeah.

Saturday night.

What time can I pick you up?

7:00.

Done.

(chuckles)

You're dating Oompa now?

He doesn't talk. It's fun.

Come in.

(shuddering)

I need a breakthrough, Malaya.

Parents Night. Oh, very important.

My daughter Karen. We've met.

I'm a little geared up.

I understand. It's good.

Children need to know their parents care about their education.

I tell my son, "Finish eighth grade, and then we'll talk about you working in construction."

Not that I couldn't use the extra paycheck now.

Oh. Right.

(sighing happily): Okay.

(exhales)

I'm ready.

FIONA: Jesus, Frank!

Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car?

Did they follow you here?

Where is it?

I was invited to participate in a business venture.

What did you do with the money? That's just it!

I wasn't given any money up front!

I was simply promised that money would be shared with me once an insurance claim was... was settled.

Has that promise been delivered upon?

No. No, it has not.

I warned you, Frank.

You knew about this and you didn't tell me?

Fi, I don't have the time to call you every time Frank has a bad idea.

I'll talk to them.

Oh, yeah? And say what?

"Hey guys, sorry I forgot to light the car on fire."

I was not doing the igniting.

I was just doing the "park in a remote location."

Unfortunately, I had to make a pit stop, and when I got back, the car was gone.

You're gonna take care of this. Now.

Could go to Jersey for a while.

Stay with your Great Uncle George.

No. You're staying here, and you're gonna take care of this car, 'cause you're also gonna be here to take care of Carl.

He needs you to show up for him at Parents Night to discuss behavioral problems.

(grunting)

(screaming)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

These sound like solutions, not problems.

The school disagrees.

He's a boy.

This is what boys do!

When I was growing up, Joe Palazzo bit off a kid's finger.

Oh, that's got to be bullshit.

Sister Irmalita picked up the nub and wrapped it in Kleenex.

She always kept her snot rag stuffed in her sleeve.

They're threatening to expel him.

Well, go talk 'em out of it.

They want a parent. A real parent.

Oh, I guess you're off the hook then, Frank.

(men laughing)

I have never been threatened by teachers, and I am not going to start now.

I am fed up with these pangender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders.

It's like they've declared war on testicles!

They want to remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters.

Well, do your research!

We're all descendents of barbarians, and the sooner we face it, the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating.

So, hell no, I won't go, 'cause no one scares Frank Gallagher!

(quietly): Oh, sh1t.

(clattering)

♪ I feel the power of the Lord within me ♪
♪ I feel the power of the Lord inside ♪
♪ And I feel a surge as He rises up... ♪
♪ ♪

Can you pretend to be Frank tonight?

Sorry, Fi. I'm working.

Why can't you do it?

Say you had Carl when you were, like, 14 or something.

You could pass for 23.

No?

(chuckles)

How 'bout Kenny?

(snoring) I'm trying to keep Carl out of a foster home, not give 'em reason to put him in one.

Frank will show up for Carl.

I know you think he won't, but, deep down, I think Frank is capable of doing the right thing.

VLAD: Frank!

Kid! Give me the board! Give me the board!

Hey! (grunting)

Frank! Stop! Frank! Hey! Gimme it back!

Give me my skateboard back!

God! Ah, f*ck!

My hammy!

(whooping, laughing)

You losers!

I'm ready.

You know what I'm thinking?

Indian.

So, let's go get some curry.

Excellent.

MALAYA: And now, how about we go find some fresh chicken?

Ooh, yes. A yummy tikka masala.

MALAYA: You're doing great, Sheila.

Thank you.

You know, I feel terrific.

It's really.... It's really kind of nice to be out and about.

Do you see any fellow shoppers?

Oh.

Yes.

Hi.

Good, Sheila.

Good. Oh...

Oh, that wasn't so bad.

(keys clicking)

Okay, now, this one's coming a little bit close.

MALAYA: Well...

Sometimes when we're out and about...

Mm-hmm?

...people shop for some of the same things.

SHEILA: Uh-huh?

And they enter our space for a moment.

Yes. That's happening.

Say hello to her.

Hello.

Oh, oh. That wasn't so bad.

(laughs)

That wasn't so bad at all.

She seemed really nice.

Okay.

SHEILA: Oh... Oh, God. Wait.

Time to check out and head outside.

SHEILA: No, no, no. We just started and I...

I still need vanilla and raisins and-and peaches. I need to get some peaches.

No peaches in Indian food. Yes!

No, there's peaches. Concentrate.

Oh, God.

Oh!

No, no! No.

I can't do it. I can't.

Stop it! Make it stop!

(sobbing)

No.

Sorry I threw you out this morning.

I love a woman that knows what she wants.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

I want to be someone else today.

How's work?

Backbreaking.

Can I swing by and take you to lunch?

I love that there's a world where people go out to lunch.

(alarm wailing)

WOMAN: Next. Carl's in trouble at school.

Parents Night's tonight and they want Frank to show up, and he says he won't, so I got to go fix it before nobody shows up and he gets bounced.

(alarm continues wailing)

Sounds fun.

I'll text ya later?

Make it dirty.

(alarm stops)

So, are you guys going to the parent-teacher conference tonight?

(laughing): No.

Need a parent for that, don't you?

Hey, Louise got an "A" on the paper you wrote for her English class.

How do you keep doing that?

Well, to master the art of the book report, you just take any novel, no matter when it was written, and you argue that the main character is a latent homosexual.

No, seriously.

Seriously. Now, most English teachers are either gay and agree, or they're straight, but too scared to disagree and get labeled as intolerant.

(laughing)

Hmm.

1870! All right.

Yeah! Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

Perfect for the Big Ten. Thanks.

Happy to help, man.

Hey, man. You more than helped.

Now I'll most definitely be a beer swillin', roofie slippin', fightin' Illini next year.

All right? All right.

Awesome.

LIP: What happened, Tire?

Not satisfied with your results?

Haven't come back yet.

Any day now.

I better not look stupid.

Impossible.

Hey, listen, there's one last testing session this year, so tell your friends.

Don't tell me what to do.

Why do we help people we hate?

I believe we're just taking our cue from American foreign policy.

(chuckles)

(panting)

(grunts)

(knocking at door)

(sobbing): Hello? Hello?

It's Frank. Frank?

Come in, Frank. Yeah.

Okay, good. I'm fine.

Shoes. Shoes.

Shoes? Yeah.

The bag. The bag.

Hon, you got to lighten up about the shoes, okay?

I want shoes in bags.

I appreciate you seeing me.

You're Carl's mother?

Uh, no, sister.

Legal guardian?

Formally, no.

Mr. Monroe?

Where's that papier-mache?

Right here.

The kids have been making papier-mache sculptures about what they love about themselves.

This is Carl's.

What is that?

That is a papier-mache pile of sh1t.

Wait. He has a very developed sense of humor.

We're not laughing.

Carl's future is speaking to us through art.

A dark future filled with what, even to the untrained eye, is a budding psychosis. I...

We need to speak to his father or his mother.

Well, they're-they're out of town.

It's important...

I need a parent! Not a sister.

I've had what seems to be 15 of you goddamn Gallaghers here at this school, and I have never once met a parent!

Not once! Who in the hell is raising this degenerate?

Come back tonight with a parent or a call will be placed to a place you don't want me to call.


Please? I just want someone to be there for her.

To bear witness to her achievements.

If it was about Karen, I would do it.

But these nights are not about the kids.

They're about the teachers giving themselves a platform for you to worship them, asking you to applaud with gratitude for all the worthless crap they've been teaching your kids, while, in reality, they're asking you to validate them for the choice they made to waste their lives as educators.

(knocking at door)

Who-Who's that?

I'm expecting some granola from Oregon.

From... Gran... From Oregon?

People wonder why oil prices are so high.

Shipping oats and sugar all the way...

(knocking)

Oh. Can I help you?

Uh... looking for Frank.

SHEILA: Oh.

VLAD: It's, uh, it's Tommy and Joey from down at the bar.

SHEILA: Oh. We, we got a darts tournament...

Oh.

...raising money for paralyzed kids, and, uh, we need Frank.

We can't win and help the kids without our star player.

SHEILA: Well, he's kind of in an uncooperative mood today, but I'll see if the paralyzed kids can get him out.

Let's see.

You, uh, you play?

We need women, too.

No, I am not a darts person.

(both chuckle)

Would you mind, um, taking your shoes off?

My, uh, my mother, God rest her soul, would be upset if I didn't.

Mm-hmm. Lovely house.

Oh, thank you.

So, uh, where's Frank?

Um, Frank?

Frank?

Frank?

Frank!

Geez.

(talking indistinctly)

(Middle-Eastern music playing quietly over speakers)

Oh, heads up, man.

You're out of barbecue Pringles.

Hey, did Mickey pay for that?

You have to stand up to him, Kash.

What the hell was I supposed to say?

How about "Cut out the sh1t or I'll call the cops?"

I tried that once with his father.

(grunting)

What do I owe you now?!

Mickey's father is in prison now, all right?

I don't need any new enemies.

What, so you're just going to let him keep coming in here, and take what he wants?

It's the cost of doing business.

(door opens, bell jingles)

I forgot the dip.

Jesus, Kash.

Hey, Mickey, why don't you steal from a neighborhood you don't live in?

Have some civic pride, huh?

(door opening)

Hey, hey...

Jesus! f*ck.

You know where I live if you have a problem.

Here, go to the store and replace the stuff he stole.

We're cowards.

We're smart men in a stupid world.

Hurry before Linda gets back and sees what's missing.

Bathroom break?

You'll need to be escorted.

Oh, no, thanks, I'm all done.

FIONA: Thanks for turning us back on.

Sure.

STEVE: How'd the meeting at school go?

Badly.

They're gonna sic social services on us if Frank doesn't show, since he's never once in his life shown up at a school event for any one of us, I'm trying to figure something else out.

Why don't I come tonight and pretend to be him?

I'll say, you know, I'll say whatever people say, like, you know, I'm traveling a lot, and Carl's probably just acting out 'cause he misses me.

You're way too young.

I thought you were gonna say "too handsome."

There's other people I can try.

Yeah, who?

People.

Okay? I-I'll see you later.

I can't keep burning up the minutes on my phone.

Hector, you busy tonight?

(sighs)

Hey, Morgan, it's Lip.

Uh, test went well.

No problem with the I.D.... one of the benefits of your androgynous name.

I'm thinking I scored you, like, a 2,200.

So send me that postcard from Stanford, all right?

Later.

MAN: Morgan.

Morgan!

Or is it Greg Powers or Pete O'Brien or Jammal Jackson?

You taking tests for girls now, Morgan?

(chuckles)

Yeah, welcome to your sh1t show.

I'm an investigator for the Educational Evaluation Service.

We're the people who administer the...

Yeah, I know. Oh, you do?

So why don't you tell me how you cheat?

I don't cheat.

Oh... right.

I don't.

Uh-huh, let's see, you got a 2,360, 2,290, 2,400, and all from this crappy high school?

Yeah, I know my sh1t.

And I got a brand-new test we just finished creating, so why don't we go see if you know your sh1t or you're just full of it?

FRANK: Karen.

Here.

Daddy Frank, what are you doing?

Freezing my gonads off, that's what.

You see that pickup with the two scary-looking dudes in it?

Yes. Divert their attention so I can slip back into the house.

Daddy Frank, I really, really want you to come to Parents Night tonight.

Nobody's ever there to see how great I'm doing, and I'm really, really doing great.

Distract them and we'll talk.

Promise me you'll come to school for me tonight and I'll do it.

All right, all right! Jesus!

Everything's gotta be quid pro f*cking quo.

Go, distract, distract.

So, what have you allowed to be stolen today?

Can we try some optimism?

Optimism is for children and presidents, not for mini-mart owners in a land of 30 million jobless.

Where the hell were you?

Uh... Why are you looking at him?

Where are you going with all that stuff?

Nowhere, I...

Who?

Is it the Milkovich kid again?

(both sigh)

That's it.

We're closed.

Follow me.

SHEILA: I cannot thank you enough for representing our family tonight at Parents Night.

Karen is going to be so happy.

(sighs)

And make sure you ask lots of questions and then report back to me.

I need details, lots of details.

Okay? Details, details, yeah, yeah, lots of details.

I'd stay down here and entertain you with my lips.

But it's getting kind of late.

No, those, those things never start on time.

You sure? Yeah, pretty sure.

They never... We've got time.

Positive?

We've got time, we've got time. Okay.

(unzipping)

Come here.

Well, you missed one.

No, I didn't.

The wording is ambiguous.

You're gonna get mail on that.

Huh.

I'll take it up with the board.

Hm.

2,400.

You know how rare that is, hmm?

Out of a million and a half kids who take the test every year, only 300 get a perfect score.

How'd you catch me?

Huh, well, as smart as you are, we got people working for us who are even smarter.

So what now?

Well, punishment or redemption... your choice.

What's the punishment?

You mean, you entered into this without researching the consequences of getting caught?

What, jail?

(chuckles) No, we're not usually in the business of sending kids to jail.

Our only mandate is to send universities valid scores, and we invalidate the ones that aren't legitimate.

I'm at the University of Chicago.

Come to my office.

And don't you ever, ever take a test for someone else again or I will find you and I will beat you senseless.

Hmm?

(whistling cheerfully)

Where'd you learn how to do that?

I lived a lot of years before I met you.

Come on.

Now hold it like you want to do something with it.

Hand it here. What?

Left shoulder.

Right shoulder.

Left leg.

Right leg.

Stomach.

Neck... Face.

Heart.

ROTC.

LIP: Hey, sorry I'm late.

It's okay; I brought you a shirt.

Okay. Okay, now, listen up.

We are going to stand united and show them that we are a family that is thriving.

You got it? Yep.

Let's go. All right.

Come on.

Come on.

This is it?

This is his brother.

Uh, Phillip.

Very good to see you again, sir.

Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21, uh, and while we may not be the legal guardians of our brother, we do supply him...

I told you I wanted to see a parent.

We just opened the letter today.

I gave Carl the letter last week.

LIP: So you're relying on a nine-year-old to deliver important correspondence?

You don't seem to have a home phone.

FIONA: Carl is taken care of at home by loving siblings.

This is not up for negotiation.

Your brother is on the verge of being expelled, and unfortunately, there are steps the state requires to be taken before he can be bounced, and a meeting with his legal guardian is the next step.

Please, you can't do this.

I mean, he loves school.

(scoffs)

More potential victims here, I suppose.

No, all his friends are here.

Can you stop it? I'm serious.

He needs more structure, we know.

(laughing)

What Carl needs is medication, a near-death experience, or a lobotomy.

You should be very proud of your daughter.

She's prompt, poised, cheerful.

Vivid imagination, expansive vocabulary.

Karen has greatness in her future.

She gets it from me.

It's all the time I spent with her when she was a youngster.

Flash cards and the like.

Pounding, pounding, pounding relentlessly.

Never underestimate the power of flash cards.

I'm sorry.

I'm placing a call to social services.

A home without a legal guardian is a home we cannot condone.

(footsteps approaching)

Hello all.

Uh, sorry I was late.

I got held up at the office.

So, now that Fiona and I are engaged, I've filed the paperwork so that we can become the legal guardians of the children.

Do you realize Carl's report card has seven U's?

Uh, U's?

As in unsatisfactory.

But don't think of U as in unsatisfactory.

Think of U as in F.

As in failed?

As in f*cked.

I am not a religious man, but every now and then, a child comes along who makes me believe in the existence of Satan.

Now, something drastic must be done, or he's going to slip down through the cracks, right up into a clock tower with a sniper rifle.

DEVELIN: Given our resources, he is beyond our ability to help.

FIONA: It's just a phase.

And... now that we're aware of it...

Too late!

This Norman Rockwell display might warm the cockles of some other fool who believes no f*cking child... not even the budding psychotics... should be left behind... but the fact is, the sooner Carl is put in prison, the safer this world is gonna be.

More of a Mickey Hart fan when it comes to paintings?

What? What's that?

More of a Mickey Hart fan than a Norman Rockwell fan.

Mickey Hart's an all right painter for a drummer.

Could you all excuse us for a second?

For what?

If we could just take a walk and talk in private?

Get a breath of fresh air?

Evening, Frank.

Hey... ooh!

(groaning)

All you had to do is drive the car and park it.

It was an extraordinary circumstance.

It was the night the Bears were playing Green Bay.

There was an after...

(Frank groans)

I'd be kicking you had I not pulled a hamstring chasing after you.

You're a fast little b*st*rd.

Second team all-state in the mile.

(laughs)

(yelling)

Daddy Frank?

VLAD: Hey.

Sell a kidney, prostitute your 12-year-old, I don't care how you get the money, but I want six grand in cash by Saturday, or this ear will be hanging around my neck.

(flutters tongue)

No one around here really knows those terrapins are a Grateful Dead thing.

(laughs)

The kids call 'em Mr. G's turtles.

sh1t, man, they don't even know who the Grateful Dead are.

Ah, man.

The summer of 1979.

The best summer of my life.

Followed the Dead around the Midwest.

Supported myself selling grilled cheese in the parking lot.

Yeah, they made great music.

Their music blows.

But their female fans...

...were a bunch of patchouli-soaked sluts who all wanted to ball their first black guy.

(both snickering)

I never embraced tokenism with more gusto.

(laughing)

Those terrapins were a parting gift from this Skidmore chick...

...who sucked me off like I had diamonds buried in the bottom of my ball sack.

Whoo!

Man... this is some good sh1t.

You know, we're gonna turn Carl around.

Thanks for the joint... but I'm not gonna lose my pension over some little whack job going postal on my watch.

Though I do not distribute high-quality medicine such as this, I could hook you up with some discreet people who'd give you a favorable price.

We talking a teacher discount?

(laughs)

My man.

What the hell did you do?

Saw an opening, made my move.

Got lucky.

(laughing)

Daddy!

If I hadn't had such a...

Debbie, we got to go.

I want to say hi to Daddy. Daddy!

Hi!

Hello, pumpkin!

Karen, what's going on?

Well, you said you never come to these, so, I thought that you weren't gonna come, and so, I asked Frank to stand in for my worthless father.

Did they expel Carl?

What I tell you?

Drama and threats all for naught.

(laughing)

Come on, guys.

Let's go.

Bye, Daddy.

Yeah. See you.

FIONA: Carl, we're serious.

The stakes are really, really high.

We love you, and we need you in this family.

In this house.

You need to stop biting and punching and hurting people.

Well, how else do I make them cry?

Gossip and slander.

You know, when I get really angry, I usually just count to ten.

Hey, little man, tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna get you some pads and some skates.

Get you out on the ice.

You can take your frustrations out with a hockey stick.

Yeah. You can come to karate with me.

Remember when I broke Kyle Boozlee's leg? It took three pins to put it back together, huh?

You can't beat karate when it comes to regulated, sanctioned violence for children.

Will you tell me one more time what the teacher said, Frank?

How many more times?

Mm...

Just one more time.

Just one more time.

I... I would've known if I'd been there, but-but just one more.

They said she was developing into an incredibly poised young woman.

Poised?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

She is.

She is quite the young lady.

(gently patting Frank's hand)

Frank, how... how am I gonna help her be the woman she's supposed to be if I'm locked up in this house?

I can't even get through the doors of a pretend supermarket.

How am I gonna show her the...

Grand Canyon?

Life is going on all around me, and I'm missing out.

(sniffles)

(crying): Why am I so pathetic?

Hey.

You are going to get through those doors any day now, and never look back.

Oh!

(laughs)

Frank.

(sniffles)

Frank.

(sniffles)

Thank you for being my light.

(sniffles)

(sighs)

My Frank.

My light.

(TV playing)

LIP: Hey.

Um... listen, Morgan, it's-it's Lip.

Uh... we got to talk.

I-I got some bad news regarding your S.A.T. scores.

They're invalidating your score.

Um...

I'll go into more detail when I speak with you.

Sorry to leave this on your phone.

(dramatic music plays on TV)

(sighs)

All right. Um... okay.

Hit me back.

(TV continues playing)

Yeah, I didn't need your help.

No, it looked like you did.

You're upset that I actually did help.

You're afraid that if I keep on showing up and actually helping, that you'll like it.

And liking it will lead to relying on it, and by relying on it, you'll be less of the you you've made yourself into... a kick-ass you that you like and I like, too.

But you're afraid that if you learn to rely on me, then one day, when you really need me to show up, I won't.

And then you'll be angry at yourself for believing in something you've only seen in the movies, something that I'm determined to prove to you actually exists.

(turning up volume of music)

How come every time I want to fool around, you can't shut up?

(weapons firing)

(knocking on door)

(knocking continues)

TIRE NECK: Hey.

I'm here for Lip to pay him the balance for the S.A.T. test?

Tire.

Lip, my man.

They invalidated my score! sh1t! I was gonna call you.

I'm gonna get, like, a six on this test!

You get at least a couple hundred for spelling your name correctly. sh1t! Wait! Wait! Wait!

I can fix this, all right?

I won't be able to play ball in college!

f*ck, you'll go straight to the pros!

Please...

You think you'll live if I drop you on your head? I don't.

Lip!

sh1t!

sh1t!

Get him back inside!

Back off, or I'll throw you out, too. Let him go!

Get my brother back in the house, or the kid swings the bat.

Okay, okay. Now!

Keep your sh1t straight; I'll pull him in.

IAN: Hey, now! Come on!

What the hell is going on?

Carl's got it covered.

(panting)

I was just joking.

Okay?

Okay?

(grunts)

(all groaning)

Hey, uh, uh, you ever been with a black guy?

Does rape count?

Um...

I was acquitted.

(both laughing)