Jesus, I'm raising five kids, and I didn't miss last week.
What's your excuse?
I'm looking for Frank.
FIONA: Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car.
I don't care how you get the money, but I want six grand in cash by Saturday, or this ear will be hanging around my neck.
The shoplifting is out of hand.
IAN: Did Mickey pay for that?
That's it. Follow me.
You know where I live, if you have a problem.
SHEILA: I have not been out of the house in five years.
Oh! I can't! Stop it! Make it stop!
♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so... ♪
♪ Sure of? ♪
This is no way to treat a veteran!
If you didn't run away, we'd have flushed first.
We want our six grand.
Flyer for guitar lessons and a comb.
What do I owe you for the reach-around?
24 hours, Frank.
Today is put-your-head-in- the-toilet day.
You know what that makes tomorrow, Frank?
Put-your-head-in- the-trash-compactor day.
I got semolina, seven-grain and whole wheat!
You work at a bakery and all you stole was bread?
Where're the crullers and turnovers?
We want sugar.
Yeah? Too bad. Free toast for a week.
Who wants a sandwich?
Mine with the crusts cut off.
How was your wake-and-bake?
2:00 a.m. start time.
I don't know how Lucia does it.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
Gotta do something about that toilet.
What's wrong with it? Nothing, if you don't mind squatting above the seat like a Laotian coolie so your ass doesn't touch the water.
Did you try and fix it?
Hell, no. I just got my nails done.
I got us a room at the Delacroix tonight.
Good for you. Who you gonna take?
Where are the knives?
Gotta love these half days.
Good thing public education is broke.
Yeah, waste of time anyway.
The only thing those people are equipped to teach is how to live with crippling disappointment.
Hey, wanna catch a movie later?
Brandy can sneak us in.
Can't. Gotta be at work by 3:00.
Nice jacket Kash bought you, by the way. Thanks.
Yeah. Tell Kash I'll take it in the ass if it gets me free stuff.
Hey! Hey, yeah, I'm talking to you.
Yeah? You got a phone?
What? Your truck break down?
No, genius, I like standing in the middle of a shitty neighborhood with my dick in my hands.
Look, I'm already two hours late on this load.
I try to take one shortcut, this is what I get.
My goddamn kid drained my phone playing Doodle Jump.
My goddamn wife took my charger.
Listen, I'll give you five bucks, you let me use your phone.
Just-Just one call.
Oh, we-we don't have a phone.
Our dad says not till we're 18.
Um, but you know what?
There's a bar, I think, about ten blocks that way.
What's it called? Uh... O'Flaherty's. O'Flaherty's.
Tell them your family's from County Cork.
Maybe five. Straight shot.
This is yours if you keep an eye on the truck.
Oh, cool! Thanks, mister.
Hey, hey, make sure no one gets near it.
Yeah, Kev, 43rd and Halsted.
Bring the crowbar.
So tonight, what do you think?
Like I'm going to a hotel tonight.
You know a great thing about hotels is that the toilets actually work.
You buy watches?
I need cash.
"20 years with the ITC."
Sure you want to part with this, Eddie?
That's 24-carat gold.
Best there is.
Test it. You'll see.
Damn Palestinians, huh?
It's like they come out of the womb wearing a suicide vest, am I right?
You ask me, we should just give you guys the green light, take 'em all out.
I believe in a two-state solution.
Don't know why you Yids get such a bad rap for being greedy, controlling the media, making everyone get their dicks cut.
Killing our Lord and Savior? Everyone knows that was Pontius Pilate, not you!
You're supposed to negotiate!
The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number.
You can't bottom-line some rip-off rate from the get-go.
Now give me a number!
$35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.
So you want the $35 or not?
Mel Gibson was right!
Don't touch my cup, Frank.
I just came over to say hello, Benny.
It's a neat trick, you knowing it was me, though.
Who else smell like Old Style and ball sweat?
I'll, uh, I'll help you cross the street.
I don't want to cross no street.
Jesus! I need it more than you!
(all clamoring, laughing)
You go ahead. I'm gonna go back and fight my way for more.
Are you sure that's such a good idea?
Out of my way! I've buried two husbands!
Take it easy, Grandma.
How the hell we gonna fit all of that in there?
We can hang it in the garage till spring, hack off what we need.
Rats would get it.
Rats won't be a problem.
Move, move, move!
Move, move, move, move, move! Here we go! (grunts)
Does Ron Fitzgerald still have that chainsaw?
Yeah, he owes me 'cause I told his wife he was on his way home when he was actually getting a hummer from some dude.
Lip? Lip, let's go. Yeah.
There's no O'Flaherty's, there's no stinking way they're gettin' that five bucks now.
Hey, look what fell off the back of a truck.
I don't think he detached my retina this time.
Linda's gonna sh1t a brick.
Let me see.
Look, I can run out and replace whatever he took before she gets here, all right?
No, you can't.
It's gonna take three days for the background check.
He took the gun? How?
I pulled it on him. Even released the safety.
But what was I supposed to do?
Shoot him over a cup-a-soup?
I wish he'd burnt the store down.
I never wanted it to begin with.
Wanted to be a landscaper.
Where's the charcoal?
Above the veggies.
Got more newspapers.
Oh, I think this cheese expired when Bush was president.
It's supposed to age. It's fine.
Wait. Who's got the chainsaw?
You know, another cool thing about hotels is that you don't have to saw your own meat.
Any more gallon-sized Ziplocks?
You look exhausted. You could use the getaway.
What is it?
What used to be in the toilet is now in the tub.
Check-in time is 4:00.
Oh, great idea. I'm in!
Let's pencil that in for, say, 2023.
Watch Liam for me. Come on.
Brother, you gotta stop embarrassing yourself.
Fiona's a hood girl, not a debutante from Glencoe.
It's painful, man!
You always asking her on lunches, taking a getaway?
What's next, coed bikini waxes and a spa day?
When she says, "f*ck you," it means "I like you."
It's hood-girl speak. Learn the language.
Okay, any suggestions?
All day, all she does is make decisions.
Five kids, f*ckin' Frank?
Stop asking her what she needs. f*cking tell her.
Hey, change your mind about that movie?
Downstate picking up our dad from prison. Why?
What the hell, Ian?!
What are you doing?
Mickey will kill you.
What do you want?!
He hit Kash, okay?
Just go. I'll put everything back.
Tell him it ends now.
No more messing with Kash.
And tell him I want the gun back tonight.
Give me the money. I've got a gun.
I'll use it!
For what, to jack off?
You left Liam where?!
He's not dry cleaning! You can't just drop him off!
(gasps) Look after Liam? I'd love to!
I can keep him in my room until Karen goes to college.
Just for one night.
Well, we'll have the best slumber party ever!
Come on, sweet boy.
Oh... hold on one second.
Just hold on one, one second.
Sheila? Hold on, baby!
Who's a sweet boy? Come here!
Oh... what a sweet baby!
Look at you! We're going to have so much fun.
How about if we start with a bath?
Okay? You like bubbles, don't you?
Not a chance.
What's the problem? You go out.
Yeah, for a few hours. Not overnight.
You don't think they can get by without you for one night?
You seem to have trouble with it.
Come on. Let's ask them.
Let's go. Let's go.
You think you guys can survive one night without Fiona?
Yeah, have a great time.
Debs, go pick up Liam from Sheila's.
No. Wait. Debs, hold on.
So you're chained to this house?
I'm not a Labrador. I like it here.
Good. Because you'll be 40 by the time Liam gets out of the house. Thirty-seven.
You know, it really doesn't have to be like this.
The part where my mom splits?
Or the part where my dad's a raging alcoholic narcissist?
No, the part where you feel like the world would stop spinning on its axis if you take a night off.
You know when a plane starts going down, and they tell you to put your mask on before helping anyone else?
Put your mask on, Fiona!
Well, I've never been on a plane!
Oh, thank God.
Only when there's a check coming. Who are you?
I'm his friend Kermit.
Frank doesn't have any friends.
Only people he hasn't pissed off yet.
Can you tell him, I'm sorry, I tried.
He's been having it sent to my place.
But my girlfriend Cynthia moved in, and she's been making a lot of changes.
She threw out my collection of 19th-century erotica. That was hard.
She threw out my old Atari cartridges. That was harder.
But let's be honest.
She's my last chance at happiness, and that's more important than video games and masturbation, right?
I'll get the other bags from the car.
What's all this?
$680 at Murphy's Liquor.
LIP: $1,200 at the Windy Titty.
DEBBIE: A grand to Big Lenny?
CARL: Drug dealers take credit cards?
He bought a 65-inch flat-screen?
Where the hell is that?
Wait, let me see those.
He used our names to get the cards.
Cool, I just got a subscription to Penthouse.
How about another steak to soak that up before you go back to surgery? Know anyone who wants to buy part of a liver?
Something tells me yours has a few too many miles on it.
Your phone, garçon.
Here's a man with cash to give.
The HoboBrawl guy? I can pass.
As homeless, you?
Bills from our creditors.
You've been buying stuff using our names?
Never used your name.
Do you know how much debt your kids are in now?
$7,500... I couldn't get 'em to raise the credit limit.
It's the credit card companies you should blame.
I didn't cause the downfall of the American economy.
The president said spend.
Where's my Purple Heart?
Is that a new flat-screen?
Smashed the first one when he was on crystal microdot.
Meanwhile, some guy named Paco is jumping a fence and taking my job.
Where's the justice?
Sends for his whole family, packs 'em in 20 to a room.
Guess who's supporting them.
Me, my taxes.
What happened to personal responsibility?
Never use their names again.
You're a liberal.
How does a grown man let a teenager take a gun from him?
How can a man who has fathered two children have no balls?
It's a medical mystery.
What do you want me to do?
Restock the feminine hygiene.
What did you want me to do... shoot the kid?
You'd probably get thank-you cards.
You're a U.S. citizen.
You have the right to bear arms, a right that none of those founding fathers ever thought would trickle down to a couple of heathens like us, but then that's their fault.
We're getting robbed blind!
Is that a new jacket, Ian?
Where'd you get the money... the register?
There anything going on behind my back?
Four cameras, every square inch covered.
From now on, I am the eye in the sky.
Ooh, look, I found another box.
My gosh, let's see what's in here.
Oh, finger paints.
We definitely have to do that.
And let's see, what else do we have?
Ooh, which one do you like better... the baby or the whore?
Which one, sweet baby?
The whore, okay.
Look at that.
It's Karen's Easy-Bake Oven.
Oh, my gosh.
What is this meeting tonight?
You join s*x Addicts Anonymous or something?
It's with a social worker. We're getting a foster kid.
I thought you didn't want kids.
$384 a month.
You ready for it?
It's lots of work.
Kev really wants a kid.
I convinced him to rent before we own.
Yeah, can you take Frank off my hands while you're at it?
He really ordered 12 bottles of Oxy under Carl's name?
Claimed he was a terminal cancer patient.
He's got Debbie buying handguns.
Christ, it's enough he screws up his own life.
Leave us the hell out of it.
Girl, you need to unwind.
You sound like Steve.
Well, he may look like he's in a boy band, but he's got a point.
This is my side over here.
This is where you're supposed to be.
You don't think I want to?
A night in a fancy hotel?
You don't think I'd love to jump at that?
But I don't have a choice.
I don't get to "just go."
Don't be stupid.
You have a choice.
You're just making the wrong one.
Everybody's gonna be in one piece when you get back.
Order some room service, take a bath, f*ck with the curtains open.
SHEILA: A-one, a-twoa-three.
Look at you go.
You're like a cowboy.
Let's see, do you like it?
Do you like it, sweet boy?
I just want to see... so soft.
You're a sweet boy, you're a sweet boy.
Yes, you are.
MAN: Take out his eye.
FRANK: These hobos are really going for blood.
I need $6,000 by tomorrow, or I'm a dead man.
You know what saved my life?
Aw, don't say Jesus.
Smoothie saved my life.
Not a guy. The drink.
That was back when I worked in an office building, came home to a big house, closet full of suits.
Wife, kids, you name it.
I went out of the office one morning on a smoothie run.
I didn't even like smoothies.
While I was out, the office got hit by a plane... a f*cking Cessna.
Can you believe that?
A big fire.
They couldn't I.D. sh1t.
I never went home, and I never looked back.
Start over, Frank, come on.
Where the hell am I going to get a Cessna?
Take matters into your own hands.
You get me?
Make those guys who are after you think you're dead.
They don't live here.
You're never going to see 'em again.
You pretend to be dead, and your problems die for real.
MAN: Yo, Gallagher, you're up!
My lucky day.
MAN: Go for the nuts!
There we go.
All nice and clean.
Oh, Liam, it's still warm.
Liam, are we playing hide and seek?
Liam, where did you crawl off to?
No, come inside, sweetie!
Liam, honey, you have to come...
I should call.
Everything back home is fine.
Don't we have to check in?
We're about to. All set?
Wedding was called off, but the room was already charged to their credit card.
Apparently, the bride saw her fiancé on To Catch a Predator.
Honeymoon suite's all yours.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
(distorted laughter, chattering)
(train whistle blows)
Checking if you can see the house from here?
Ah, I assume Carl's burned it to the ground by now.
Come on, one night.
But c-can we order a burger or something?
Hotel probably gave us something hard to pronounce.
Take a look.
Al's Beef, sweet peppers.
I had them bring it over.
I think I just came.
I won't look like a lady.
Liam's in danger.
He needs me.
I made it.
What happened to you?
Uh, huge guy jumped me.
280, 290... steroids, who knows?
Good for him.
I need your help.
I got maybe two bucks.
No, no, no. Show of hands, how many of you, at one point or another, wanted to see me dead?
Here's your chance.
♪ I sit and watch these shitty creeps go by ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ With a beer and a tear dropping out of my eye ♪
♪ Oh, man... ♪
Hi, Mrs. Bergdoll.
Got some bones for your pit bulls.
I told you, no more comforters until Carl kicks the head lice.
I need a man's suit, something dark.
They were never picked up.
Any chance I can borrow this?
I'll return it tomorrow, promise.
Frank? I'd have to burn it.
Four-pound roast and ten pounds of prime chuck?
I got nothing. You?
Hey, you know, I got to leave in five minutes.
I can't believe you guys are getting a foster kid.
Looks like a good one, too.
You know, a lot of those foster kids are messed up.
That's why they need a positive influence.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What do you want?
Vicodin, morphine, peyote?
Zombie drug. Need a week.
Need something now. Roofie get the job done?
I don't want to rape him, I just need to knock his ass out.
Could I try a sample of that one?
No free samples.
Where'd you learn your trade?
You're supposed to get me hooked.
Never go on stage without a dry run.
I'm gonna take six of these red ones.
Just give me the horse tranquilizer.
Enough to knock out a Clydesdale.
Frank's a professional.
You're gonna want to check his pockets before you go.
Up a little more...
A little more. Is that good?
Can you see me?
No. It's the Bermuda Triangle.
Lock the door.
(grunting and moaning)
What time is it?
More like, "What day is it?"
Have you been watching TV on mute this whole time?
Yeah, the Bulls game was fine, but Charlie Rose was a challenge.
I've never slept on a bed this soft.
Only made one.
You know, I should let you doze off more often.
I learned quite a lot.
You talk in your sleep.
Yeah. You really opened up.
Thanked me for taking you away.
I mean, you kept on saying, "You were right, Steve."
"You're the perfect guy for me. I don't know what I would do without you."
Uh-huh. That sounds just like me.
Yeah, I know, right?
And along with something about my pen1s being enormous and all-powerful.
(knocking at door)
Well, go tuck your enormous pen1s in your pants and go answer the door.
Reminder, got to be out by 10:00 a.m. Convention coming in.
Hey, what floor's the pool?
Second, but it's closed.
You bring your bathing suit?
(distant siren wailing)
What the f*ck?
I want the gun back, Mickey.
FIONA: Thank you for watching Liam.
STEVE: Hope he wasn't too much trouble.
No trouble at all.
Don't be silly.
We were just finger painting. How was your night?
Just what the doctor ordered.
Will you need another one? I can take him.
Oh, thank you, Sheila, but I couldn't ask...
No, really. Really.
It's really no bother.
I knitted him this sweater.
Okay. So, here's his...
Okay. Come here, Pooh Bear?
Okay. Come on.
Bye-bye, sweet boy. Okay.
Say good-bye, Liam.
Good-bye. SHEILA: Bye-bye.
(whispers): Thank you.
You making all that noise?
I'm trying to f*ckin' sleep.
You want your stupid eggs or not, Dad?
If you stop being such a prick, I'll even make you sausage.
Yeah, yeah. All right, all right.
(Terry sighs, sniffles)
Mandy's making eggs.
Put some clothes on.
You two look like a couple of fags.
Know where he is?
My heart says up there, but my gut says...
He died last night.
Cut the sh1t, asshole.
He did. He offed himself. OD'd.
Oh, yeah? What'd he take?
What didn't he take?
Vodka, codeine, Ecstasy, PCP and sleeping pills, with a Drano chaser.
Man, I'm telling you, I should have known something was wrong when he left last night.
He hugged me.
Oh, what, you don't believe me?
Why don't you go see for yourself?
Kiss me, and I'll cut your f*cking tongue out.
FIONA: A hearse?
LIP: Yo, Carl, grab those. VERONICA: Ladies and gentlemen, let's go, let's go. Yeah, right there.
Hey. Where is it?
Put that right over there. Right over there, Carl.
Turn it around. There you go. Oh, put it... What the hell?
Just go get the other one. Act like you know what you're doing, okay?
Debbie, what's going on? LIP: Someone put the prayer cards out?
Some killers are after dad, so we have to fake his death.
Lip borrowed a casket.
Carl found some flowers. Dad's getting changed.
I steamed your black dress, but you'll have to hurry, 'cause they'll be here any minute.
Carl, come back in here? Anybody seen Ian?
What are you doing here?
I told you to forget about it.
sh1t. Are you okay?
VERONICA: Stuff the ice in his shirt.
Your body needs to be cold.
It's horse tranquilizer.
LIP: Get in the coffin before you pass out, Frank.
Just a little taste?
I don't even know why we do this for you.
You think it's easy being a parent?
Letting Fiona be the good cop?
The important thing is you kids.
Carl, I remember when the nurse in the hospital handed you to me.
Carl was born in the back of the van.
You weren't there.
I slapped his little ass myself.
Hey! Come on, get him in the coffin.
VERONICA: Watch your head.
VERONICA: Looks dead.
Shallow breathing, clammy.
Hey, Carl, more ice. Got it.
(religious choral music playing)
Sorry for your loss.
It was a shock. I'm sure.
Accident, was it?
I know you're faking it!
Come on, open your eyes, you lying, squirrelly sack of...
Jesus, Rob! You're alive, I know it! Come on!
What's the matter with you? Look at him... he's dead.
Sorry, he's been under a lot of stress, guys.
ROBERT: Check with the boss.
Yeah, there's nothing here worth taking. (sobs)
Unless you want the little girl.
She's 11, 12.
Nah, she's cute, but not really a looker.
How about Frank?
Any toes, fingers?
You know, for proof?
Okay. Keeps his extremities.
All right, and you'll be going, then?
Soon as he's in the ground.
Wh-What?! No! Why?
VLAD: Boss's orders.
Stay with the scumbag till he's buried.
(glass shatters, car alarm blaring)
Damn it! That's me!
(alarm continues blaring)
They're gonna bury him?
If we keep our mouths shut.
We need something to put in the coffin.
We need more time.
Can you stall 'em?
DEBBIE: Carl's not lifting his share!
Yes, I am. You're not!
Let me help.
This stiff's starting to get ripe.
Can you come here for a second, honey?
I want to show you something.
This is from yesterday.
Does anything look different to you?
You don't see the camera?
It's like it moved just a little bit.
Register matches inventory.
Yeah, you're right.
I should probably shut it off.
But then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy.
Here it is.
Billy Elliott cornholing the father of my children.
Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face.
We were just getting to the climax.
Linda, I just got your message.
That's for screwing my husband!
What are you gonna tell the kids?
What about my mom?
You b*st*rd! What about me?
KASH: Do you want me to go?
Where does that leave me?
I'm a white Muslim.
I want another baby.
I get what I want, and you can have what you want... behind closed doors.
I don't want to be the laughing stock of the mosque.
But no touching the Forbidden Fruit until I'm knocked up.
You're not fired.
You could do better.
Oh. Sorry, buddy, it's a private wake.
KEVIN: Uh, could I have your attention, please?
Loving husband, devoted father.
Truly respected and cherished member of this community.
He was a good friend and a good neighbor, and he will be sorely missed.
I just hope that in the afterlife...
...they treat him as kindly as he treated all of us.
To Frank. OTHERS: Frank! To Frank!
Long trip back to Milwaukee.
You okay to drive?
Gonna take more than that to put out the lights on Frank Gallagher!
Next round's on me!
(shouting, cheering continue)
I followed the light, and there was Jesus.
He enveloped me in his arms.
He was warm, like... like the inner thighs of an overworked hooker.
I take it they're gone.
Are you in a fight club?!
(slurring): Some of you seemed a little too eager to see me go.
Don't think I don't know who you are.
You're on the list, pal.
♪ It's starting to seem right ♪
♪ That's the impression ♪
♪ I get... ♪
FRANK: People ask me, they say, "Frank..."
♪ Why do you drink? ♪
♪ To get drunk! ♪
♪ Why do you roll smoke? ♪
♪ To get high! ♪
♪ Why must you ♪
♪ Live out all those songs that you wrote? ♪
See? Everything works out.
You paid 'em off, right?
My brothers, Debbie.
You paid them to tell me to go away last night, didn't you?
♪ ...All night long, it's a ♪
♪ Family tradition ♪
I love you, too.
Hey, hold on.
It's nothing. No, not good enough.
Kev, I'm gonna need an ice pack. And where's Carl?
Tell him I need him to go to the pharmacy and get some vitamin K.
Oh, f*ck, Frank!
No problem. So, plus tax your total comes to $1,172.24.
There you go.
Thank you, Mr. Gallagher.
Mr. Gallagher? Is my dad here?
Call me Liam.
♪ Lord, said I'm steadfast ♪