02x03 - I'll Light a Candle for You Every Day

♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so... ♪
♪ sure of? ♪

(Moaning)

I had the biggest crush on you in high school, Craig.

My God, you're beautiful.

I love you.

Dead people poop themselves.

(Panting)

Debbie: Dead people poop themselves.

What?

(Gasps)

Dead people poop themselves.

(Groans) Debs!

Harry pooped himself after he died.

(Sputters) Harry?

Aunt Ginger's boyfriend. Mm.

I'm going back to sleep.

He was my first dead person.

Mm. Finishing my nice dream now.

There are 200 euphemisms for death.

Kicked the bucket, met his maker, ate dirt.

(Phone buzzes) Six Feet Under, Pushing Daisies.

Can't a brother get some sleep around here?

Basted the formaldehyde turkey.

Mm, winning one for the reaper.

Living impaired.

Past his sell-by date.

(Phone chirps)

Just add maggots.

Mm...

(Phone chirps)

Retroactive abortion.

Hurst: Lip? Yo!

Hey.

Colonel McNally's gonna meet us on the lower level.

Hey, that weed you gave me worked like a charm.

Yeah, you used it on your poetry-loving grad student?

Rachel. Very hot.

She loved the playlist that you made for me.

She was so impressed with my collection of urban music that she let me go down on her.

Wow. The alphabet-- That's the key.

Drives them wild.

If you're really good, you'll never get to the letter Z.

My record is M. There he is.

Gentlemen.

Lip, this is Colonel Kirk McNally.

This is Phillip Gallagher, who I was telling you about.

He's very interested in talking to you. Oh.

He is one of the brightest kids I know.

Vowels.

Anywhere to get an espresso around here?

Uh, take you to the cafeteria.

So, what are you working on this summer?

I'm working on this device that reads credit card numbers off of parking kiosks.

Using a magnetic stripe reader? Oh, no.

Card numbers aren't actually held on the cards anymore.

It's all done over wi-fi now.

Why aren't you working on my project?

I gave Hearst a big grant.

Yeah, I'm still in high school, so...

What? What are we doing here?

Why am I wasting my time?

I was hoping you could tell me a little bit about West Point.

Oh.

Like, uh, what's a kid got to do to get in?

Suck my dick.

(Laughs) I'll tell you what.

If you're as smart as Hearst says you are, work on my project.

I'll tell you all about West Point.

Don't use wooden clips on my bras. They'll snag.

Use plastic ones.

Okay, sure.

You worked for the city, right? Cdot was it?

Is this us getting to know each other?

Yeah, I painted curbs.

(Chuckles) Someone does that?

You think they paint themselves?

Thought there was a machine or something.

A machine called Dorothy Coronis.

For 23 years. You're welcome.

23 years? That's a nice pension.

Too bad I won't live long enough to collect.

You been dating anyone since Charlie stroked out on the toilet?

There's been a few.

Give or take a couple of dozen. (Laughs)

Anyone special?

(Laughs)

What do I want someone special for?

To be under foot all the time?

No, thanks.

I have Rochelle, Evelyn, Kermit, my cat snowshoes.

Kermit? Yeah, from down at the bar.

He's been coming around here?

We're friends.

I don't trust him.

His features are too close together.

He's been doing some electrical work for me.

Yeah, electrical work, my ass.

Veronica: Fi, you home?

Upstairs.

My mom needs help down at her salon tomorrow. You in?

Sure.

Wow. Middle-of-the-day makeup.

What's the occasion?

Craig Heisner texted me back. Who?

That guy from my high school diary.

Asked if I wanted to have coffee. Coffee coffee, or banging coffee?

He's married. I don't need somebody else's backwash.

So you won't be getting up on my Kevin anytime soon?

Ew. He's like my brother.

Plus, it'd be like making out with you.

Bitch, you know you want to.

So, why you meeting with Craig Heisner then?

Connect with an old friend.

I'm curious to see how he looks.

Bet he thinks you're gonna hook up.

Hmm... he can think whatever he wants.

Doesn't mean it's gonna happen.

Why else would a married man be meeting up with his old flame? We were never old flames.

He barely noticed me in high school.

Oh, so you're going there to make him jealous?

Here's what you could have had, Craig Heisner.

Oh-doh, ooh-doh...

Does everything have to be an ass shake with you?

Sometimes it's a boob shake.

Okay, how do I look?

Like me.

Oh, sh1t.

Hey, you filthy f*ckin' "portagese"!

I know you f*cked my sister.

I'm gonna come down there, and I'm gonna kick your ass.

Stan, what are you doing?

Get in here. You're gonna get shot.

Yeah. Put some pants on.

I got pants on. Really? Then those are the ugliest pair of flesh pants I've ever seen. Oh.

Oh, Dinty Moore again?

Oh, come on. You love this stuff.

Yeah, but don't give me the one with the low sodium.

It tastes like dog sh1t.

What, and the one with full sodium doesn't?

No, actually, it's delicious.

So, I could pick up a pile of dog sh1t and you'd eat it?

Well, if it had enough salt on it.

(Laughs)

I'll keep that in mind. Here.

What the hell is that?

The receipts from the bar last night.

Bar? What bar?

The Alibi room.

Downstairs. You own it.

Oh, I know that.

Just give me the goddamn money.

♪ Words take shape like guns and planes... ♪

Here we go.

Thanks.

(Both laugh)

So, Fiona Gallagher.

Craig Heisner. You look good.

You, too.

So, what have you been up to since graduation?

I never graduated.

My mom split my junior year, so, I had to quit school, take care of the family.

Oh, that sucks. It is what it is.

What'd you do after graduation?

Went into business with my dad. Concrete.

That's good.

(Laughing): Yeah.

I was surprised to hear from you on Facebook.

I didn't think you'd remember me.

How could I not? You had the best ass in the sophomore class.

(Laughs) I can still picture you in those sexy shorts running track during our football practices.

Did you know I had a crush on you?

Back then or now? (Laughs)

I might have had an inkling.

♪ Who is right? Who is wrong? ♪
♪ who is weak? Who is stronger now? ♪

So, how come you never jumped me?

Oh, I was afraid you might reject me.

No, no, no. You never jumped me, either.

You were a senior, I was a sophomore.

And for the record, you know, I wouldn't have rejected you. Oh, now you tell me.

Besides, you were always with that bitchy cheerleader.

What was her name? Lucy Joe?

(Laughs) Yeah.

You mean my wife?

Oh, sh1t. Sorry.

It's cool.

You guys still together?

We had a few breakups, but for the most part, we've been together since we were 15.

What about you?

We haven't been together since we were 15.

There's nothing we can do about that now, can we?

Nah. You had to go mess everything up by getting married.

We would have been good together, too.

Probably, yeah, would've been great.

I guess we'll never find out now.

Guess not.

(Groaning)

Dude, stop. It's the best way to get six-pack abs.

Saw it on a YouTube video. Hey, fuckwad?

Dickhead.

What are you doing? Helping Ian train.

Yo, I was at the lab talking to this army guy from the Pentagon.

He's a colonel or something. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Thought he could tell us a little bit more about West Point.

He was a student there.

They're called cadets.

Debbie: ♪ I will burn for you ♪
♪ feel pain for you ♪
♪ I will twist the knife ♪
♪ and bleed my aching heart. ♪

What's up with Debs?

Obsessed with death.

Anyway, thought this guy might be a good lead.

I don't know.

Took that practice trig test today, only got a 73.

Five points higher than last time.

I cheated.

Why do you want to go in the army anyway?

You're just gonna get shot through the butthole in battle.

Hey, twat bag, the only reason you're not in summer school is 'cause they wouldn't have you.

I hate when they bunt. It's a pussy move.

You're such a girl.

Don't make me pull out my pen1s, prove you wrong.

(Tommy laughs)

Stan's losing his marbles.

What happened? You're right.

He shouldn't be left alone up there.

Call his daughter.

What if she wants to put him in a home?

Well, might be the best thing for him.

He wants to stay in his apartment.

So did my mother, even after she started sh1tting in the kitchen drawers.

Hey, what about you and me--

We chip in, we buy the bar?

What?

It'll give him enough money for round-the-clock care.

Not interested.

When he goes, someone's gonna buy this place.

What if they turned it into a Friday's or something?

I look good in red and white stripes.

We buy the bar from Stan, he gets to stay in his apartment, and we keep our jobs.

No. Why not?

Because I like making my hundred bucks a night, skimming a few dollars off the top, then, going home and not thinking about this place until I come back.

Fine, I'll buy it myself. You can't even total out the register.

That's because it's your job.

Where are you gonna get the money?

I'll take out a loan.

Hmm. Good luck with that.

Kermit!

My buddy! What's the haps?

I'm not sure what that means, Frank, but...

Life's good. Glad to hear it.

Where you been, Frank? Haven't seen you in a while.

Working. Lunch break. Give me three shots.

Throw in a pickled egg, too, will you?

You still with that girlfriend of yours?

Estelle, isn't it? Cynthia.

Cynthia. That's it.

She's a keeper. Hang on to her.

I plan to. Yah.

Don't want to cheat on her, mess up a good thing, Kermit.

Okay.

Kermit.

Interesting name.

Like the frog, right?

It's a family name.

Gaelic-- Means "without envy."

Way before the frog.

Someone was just mentioning you to me.

Who was that?

Oh, that-that's right.

Um, Dottie Coronis.

Nice girl.

We've known each other since confirmation.

Said something about you doing some electrical work.

Yeah, I been doing a few things around her place. Probably paint her house later this week.

Whew! That's a big job.

Yep. Anything else going on?

What do you mean?

You know.

Frank...

She's dying.

I-I'm helping her out.

That's what friends do for each other. Friends that want something?

What are you talking about?

Let's get one thing straight, Kermit.

I'm on to you.

So you stay away from butterface if you know what's good for you.

What the hell's wrong with him?

Got a couple hours?

(Ringtone plays)

Hello?

Hey, you remember me?

We just had coffee together.

Short black guy, right?

That's the one.

So that was fun. Yeah, it was.

I hope I was a gentleman.

Of course you were.

Okay, good, 'cause I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea.

About what?

Well, it's just that I like you, and, uh, if I weren't married maybe things would be different.

But you are.

I kn... right, of course. I mean, I-don't even know if you'd want to be with me if I weren't married.

You had your chance.

I did?

In high school.

I told you that already.

Oh, right. I thought you were talking about at coffee.

No.

Not your thing.

Nope.

That's good. I like that about you.

Shows character. Not many girls are like that.

Is it your thing?

Not up to this point.

Although if you had thrown yourself at me this afternoon, who knows if I could've controlled myself? Then I promise I never will.

But what if I want to test it, see if I can hold out?

You wouldn't be able to.

Now you've just given me something to think about on my drive home.

Thank you for having coffee with me, Ms. Fiona Gallagher.

You're welcome, Craig Heisner.

My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.

What?

Like throwing money out the window.

You should pick it up.

Oh.

Okay.

Thanks.

Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.

Veronica: My steak is too rare.

Have this one, king Henry.

Hey, what was the final tally in the purse?

526 bucks.

Who carries around that kind of cash?

Uh...

Kim Furtado. Veronica: Some rich bitch.

In our neighborhood?

Uh, I was up in Glencoe having coffee with a friend from high school.

That guy from your diary?

Fiona: Shut up, and eat your spaghetti taco.

You think it's real? And if so, can I have it? Yeah, it is.

The L-V's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow, and the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation.

I read a lot.

Debs.

Have more salad--

It's all-you-can-eat.

In some parts of India.

They leave dead bodies in the street to be eaten by vultures.

I can't wait to die.

Why?

To be closer to God.

If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so that it could happen sooner.

Lip: Um, hey, Fi.

Hm? Know what you should do?

Ride the L more often?

I think I found her home number.

Tell her you found her purse--

I bet she'll give you a reward.

sh1t, it went to voicemail--

Leave a message.

Hi, Kim.

Uh, my name's Fiona.

I found your purse on the L.

Um, give me a call back on your cell so that I can get it back to you. Okay, bye.

Perfect. Now, don't give it back unless she gives you at least 200 bucks.

That's how much we can get for it on eBay.

All right, you guys...

(Clears throat)

Let's go stock up on chicken nuggets for home.

I heart sizzler.

You know, it's a good thing that I met up with Craig Heisner.

Otherwise I never would've found the purse. He's married.

I'm talking about the purse.

(Knock at door)

Sheils!

Door!

(Knock at door) Karen?

Door!

(Knock at door)

Oh, goddamn it!

Karen's not here.

I know. She's working at the tanning salon.

Thanks for the update.

Actually, I came to see you.

I'm busy.

I want to marry Karen.

Well, what do I give a sh1t for?

Hoping to get your blessing.

I, uh...

Got her a ring.

Microscope come with that?

(Case snaps shut)

You know what?

Congratulations!

Why don't you, um...

Why don't you go get us a couple of beers out of the fridge? Let's celebrate!

Great!

(Chuckles)

I will stab you until you bleed to death if you don't quit it out! Lip: Yo, buddy!

Shut up!

Yeah?

Look, you got to get a job this summer so we can make it through the winter, all right?

I've been helping Debbie with day care.

Eating all the mac and cheese is not helping out, bud. Need to put a thousand bucks in the squirrel fund before you go back to school.

Fiona: Debs! Carl! A little help.

Go help your sister. Fiona: Help?

Lip: Oh, is this from the purse windfall?

The gift that keeps on giving.

Waffles!

Blueberry pancakes in there, french toast, and scrambled egg whites with sausage for Lieutenant Gallagher.

Thanks, Fi. Newspaper.

Thank you.

New socks, Carl.

Throw out the ones with the holes in 'em.

Awesome! Lip: Manicure?

Treated myself. Oh.

19 people died in Chicago yesterday.

Carton of smokes for you, Lip.

Wow. This guy died of heat exhaustion.

He was only 54.

People can die from heat exhaustion? Okay, put the rest of this stuff away.

I gotta go meet the rich purse woman.

Lip: Oh, she called? This morning.

Hey, remember, no reward, no purse.

Knock, knock.

What's all this?

Uh, Kermit can't paint your house this week.

Something about his herpes acting up.

I think he got it from that girlfriend of his.

So I'm gonna do it.

I brought you a couple of things I thought you could use.

Batteries for your beeper.

(Beeping) Working.

Those DVD's you wanted.

They were, like, 20 bucks each, but don't worry about it-- It's on the me.

Terms of endearment, misery, and beaches, starring that guy Bette Midler.

One more thing.

What the hell's that?

An engagement ring.

It's a little small, don't you think? They were out of the big ones.

Who's it for? You.

You're not serious.

Serious as a heart attack.

Sorry, that was in poor taste.

(Case snaps shut)

You want to marry me?

Sure.

I could get my new heart any time now, live a long life.

Well, then let's live it together.

I'm not sure I want to get stuck looking at your mug for the rest of my life. I'll wear a bag over my head.

(Laughing)

Sometimes you're funny, Gallagher.

(Coughing)

Hell, who am I kidding? I might only have a few weeks if my pager never beeps.

Don't you want to die knowing someone loved you.

You don't love me.

You're kind of growing on me.

What is this about, Frank?

You trying to get my pension?

You have a pension?

I told you.

And I may be dead way before I can collect it.

Yes. But... When you die--

And let's hope that's not for another 20 years--

Your pension automatically goes to your spouse.

What spouse?

Oh, for Christ sakes!

I've busted my ass around here!

It's only been two weeks.

Dottie...

You worked for the city for 23 years.

28, if you count the five I scraped gum off the sidewalk.

All the money you put in your pension will go to waste.

You worked goddamn hard for it.

Why should you get it?

Because I'll keep your memory alive.

Tomorrow, we'll go down to city hall and get hitched.

And when you pass, I'll light a candle for you every day.

I'll make sure the priest at St. Thomas Moore gives a mass in your honor once a month.

And I'll put flowers on your grave at easter and mother's day...

And your birthday.

I'll even make sure Kevin names a drink after you down at the Alibi.

And every night at last call, we'll have a toast, and drink to Dottie Coronis.

I won't let you be forgotten, Dot.

Okay.

Okay?

I'll be your wife.

Well, hot dog! That's my girl!

(Laughing)


(Text alert chimes)

(Music playing) Yes?

Kim?

Can I help you? Guys!

Go dump out the Legos and mama'll be in to play in a minute.

Uh, uh, I have your purse.

(Laughs): Oh! Thank you!

Sorry, I didn't mean to be a bitch.

Kids are driving me insane today. It's okay.

I should get going.

(Music continues playing)

It's Fiona, right? Yeah.

We just moved in. Some of the neighbors aren't too pleased with all the noise.

I thought you might be one of them. Oh, God, no.

I live on the South side.

Oh, I'm from Kenwood.

Back of the yards!

Shoot, you didn't see any money in here, did you?

No, I just looked for your license and cell, that's it.

I had, like, 500 bucks; it was my rent.

That sucks.

Bet some derelict on the train snagged it.

I'm sorry.

Do you want to come in for coffee?

I can't, I got to get to work.

Well, thanks again, it's nice to know there are kind people out there. Bye.

(Children shouting)

Guys, calm down.

(Door slams)

What's all this stuff?

Fiona bought us breakfast with the money she found on the L.

Sweet.

So Stan's not doing too good.

Aw, you want me to go over, do my dance for him, make him feel better?

Nah, I think he's past the dance.

Looks like he's gonna need around-the-clock care soon.

Hmm, can he afford that?

Funny you should ask.

I have a plan. Uh-oh.

What uh-oh? Sometimes your plans can be a little crazy-pants, Kev-- Case in point.

Yeah, but you like that plan now.

I'm on the road to liking it.

I think you're going to like this plan.

I'm gonna buy the bar from Stan.

What? The Alibi room--

I'm gonna buy it. With what, your silver chains?

No, I'm gonna go to the loan store today and pick up some forms.

You mean the bank?

Yeah.

That's a big step.

If I buy the bar, then Stan will have enough cash to pay for in-home care.

He won't have to go to some shithole old folks home like where you work.

That's a good idea. Thank you.

(Chuckles)

V?

It's a great idea.

That's a stupid idea.

I know, but I couldn't tell him the truth.

He would suck at owning the bar. Honey, he would suck at organizing his underwear drawer.

That's why he doesn't wear clean ones.

How much does a bar cost?

More than the $85 we have in the bank.

My girls give good head, don't they, ladies?

(Laughs) Louise is ready for you, Vickie.

Come on, baby.

I'm gonna pay that purse woman back.

Why?

She was nice.

Not rich at all.

I feel bad.

She had a bunch of kids running around.

Well, you'll just return the next Louis Vuitton you find.

I'd want the money back if it happened to me.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't leave your purse on the L.

She deserves what she got for being dumb.

Mama, should Fiona give that woman her money back or keep it?

Well, depends on where you want to spend eternity--

Rooming with Mother Teresa or Osama Bin laden.

(Laughs)

I'm giving it back.

I thought you spent it all on shrimp and waffles.

No, I have $112 left, so I need $414 more.

Picked up an extra shift at the club tonight.

I'm just going to bust my ass till I make it.

You gonna just keep that dollar in your hand?

Thank you.

(Snickers)

(Alarm chirps)

So how's your, uh, boyfriend Joey? Jody.

Right. Good.

Looking for a job.

Hmm. How's Ian's training going?

Well, the physical stuff is great.

Academics suck.

Job as what?

He's a tattoo artist.

Of course he is.

Do you think Ian will get into West Point?

Well, competition's tough, but we have to try.

Now, can you really call them artists when all they're really doing is putting ink in somebody's arm?

He's very good at what he does.

Sure. Do you want Ian to get in? I don't know.

I mean, you know, I don't want him just to struggle keeping up and then have to enlist.

You know what? I'm thinking about getting a tattoo of you.

You think Jody would do that for me?

Maybe Ian will surprise you.

I hope so.

Awesome.

(Laughs)

All yours.

Yes, it is.

I'm going to take a shower before days of our lives starts.

There's a lot of sh1t in here.

Well, I can't always make it to the toilet.

(Water running)

I'm kidding, Frank.

(Beeping)

(Dottie singing "Afternoon Delight")

Uh, yeah, you just paged me.

Woman: Good afternoon, is this patient 13437917?

Yes-- Well, her husband.

There was a bus crash on Interstate 494.

We've been informed there may be a heart available.

Um, she, she doesn't need it anymore.

What?

She passed last night.

Please accept our condolences.

She was the love of my life.

I don't know how I'm going to survive.

We're so sorry an organ didn't become available in time.

Thank you.

(Dottie singing "Afternoon Delight")

(Dottie continues singing)

(Frank whistling)

Kate: You spelled Kevin wrong.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Veronica: Hey, babe, what you need me to sign? Loan forms.

I need you to help fill them out first.

They're like 20 pages long.

Kev, if you own the bar, I'm never gonna see you anymore.

That's not true.

Sure, it is.

Business owners always work long hours.

Look at the Wangs.

Chicken wing Wangs? Yeah.

Those kids are there all day.

It's a, it's a full-time job for the entire family.

My hours won't change, baby.

I practically run this place now.

Excuse me, who runs this joint?

Oh, what, you think you do?

I make the schedule. That's because I let you.

It's called delegating.

V, what's your mom's maiden name?

How we gonna swing this, Kev?

The banks want 20% down.

30, but if I make an extra $1,000 a week, I'll have enough in six months. A thousand?

You never make more than a couple hundred a night. I know.

That's why I'm planning to do special events every week.

What kind of special events? Disco nights, singles mixers, throwing a beach party tomorrow to kick things off.

A what?

Sand, tropical drinks, sun and fun, baby.

sh1t's cool, huh?

Yeah, really cool.

Seriously?

(Chuckles)

What are you doing?

Lost Karen's ring.

Oh, man, that sucks.

Used all my savings to buy it.

When I lose something, I like to say a little prayer.

Something's lost and cannot be found.

Please, St. Anthony, look around.

Okay.

You seen Karen?

I don't have a prayer for that.

(Rock music playing)

I have something to tell you.

What, finally going to let me plow the back fields?

You already are.

Oh, sh1t, sorry, um...

It's okay, I like it.

Oh.

(Chuckles)

So what'd you want to tell me?

We can't have s*x anymore.

What?

I'm pretty sure that Jody's going to propose.

Is, is that a good thing?

It's a great thing.

Oh.

Okay.

Another boilermaker, Kev.

Hey, Frank, you ever take out a loan?

Don't like the paper trail.

Always pay cash.

Okay, I'll just pull 150 grand out of my pocket and pay for the bar myself.

You're just like everyone else, Kev, you know that?

Always looking for a handout.

f*ck you, Frank.

Can I borrow some money?

Can I borrow your car?

Can I borrow your organ?

What the f*ck are you talking about? You know what's wrong with the organ transplant system?

No, and I don't care, but I doubt that'll stop you.

If you're waiting for a new organ, you are just interfering with God's plan.

What, so God's plan is, some little kid dies of kidney failure because he didn't get a transplant?

Why do you argue with him?

I can't-- I don't know--

I can't help myself.

God's plan is that you take what we are given and don't complain.

No one is satisfied with what they have anymore.

Always trying to get something better.

"I don't like my heart; I think I'll get on a list, get a new one, upgrade."

You talking about butterface?

If you've got a bum heart, that's your lot in life.

Don't take someone else's.

It's not yours.

She got along just fine with her heart all these years.

Why's she got to be greedy and want another one?

Could be worse.

She could be like those people born without a heart.

You mean dead people?

Worked with a guy from Michigan-- Only spoke English.

Got a liver transplant from a Mexican.

Suddenly speaks perfect Spanish.

And just 'cause she's on some stupid list, how come she's the next one in line?

Maybe there's someone needier or more deserving, like a black woman.

Those people have gotten a bum rap in our society, being two minorities and all.

I should call V and tell her that.

From now on, only black ladies should get all the organ transplants.

Finally give them first crack at something in this lifetime.

Carl: I saw that.

I put more money in here than anyone, okay, so zip it. Debbie: Thought we weren't supposed to touch the squirrel fund till Thanksgiving? We're not, but I have to borrow 50 bucks so that I can return all the purse money I found.

We give stuff back when we find it?

No. What?

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Don't be telling him that. It's the Gallagher credo.

Find something, it's your lucky day and somebody else's shitty day.

Tomorrow it's going to be the opposite.

It's the balance of nature.

What are you doing here? Hey.

Came to get my good suit.

Your good suit?

I'm getting married today.

You're already married.

Technicality.

Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.

Every man for himself.

Don't listen to him, okay?

We give stuff back. I did the wrong thing and now I'm gonna go do the right thing.

(Ringtone playing)

Hey.

What you doing?

I got to run an errand up in Glencoe.

Well, I have a few minutes free.

You want to take a detour and meet me?

I can't, sorry.

I wish I could.

No, it's okay, I just thought I'd try. Bye.

Bye.

What in the hell, Kev?

Oh, sh1t, baby, I'm sorry, I was trying not to wake you.

What are you doing up so early? Getting ready for the beach party at the Alibi room.

You're really going to do this?

Oh, yeah, but I was thinking, you know, it's going to take a little while for my special events nights to kick in and start making money.

That's probably true.

So let's take a cash advance out on the capital one card.

What? I know we're saving it for an emergency, but I called.

They'll give us $5,000.

Kev. Or I can go to Vinnie.

You know, he came in late last night, said he'd loan me enough for the down payment.

Even offered to drop his interest rate to 40%.

Vinnie "The Shiv" Vinnie, who cut that guy's head off?

He was never indicted. Doesn't mean it didn't happen.

We could go to your mom.

She hasn't touched the equity on her house.

It's a horrible idea.

What is? Buying the bar.

You're not doing it. I thought you said it was a good idea. I love you, I do, but you'd be terrible at it.

You're better at doing one thing at a time.

Owning a bar is like a juggling act.

You don't have the head for that kind of thing.

Are you calling me dumb?

No.

Well, it sounds like you are.

Maybe I'm just too dumb to understand.

I'm not calling you dumb.

You applied it.

"Implied."

I know.

I said it on purpose to show you how dumb I am.

You're going to ruin our credit, my mother's credit.

You know, maybe you could just let me try it before you get all negative on me.

Kev, be reasonable.

I got to go to the bar and blow up my beach balls.

(Door closes)

Hey, Dots, it's me.

You ready?

Dottie, why aren't you dressed?

This is our big day.

Chop-chop, city hall awaits.

I was watching the news.

There was an accident on I-494 yesterday.

Oh.

Why don't you tell me about it on the bus ride down to city hall?

One of the victims had a B-positive heart.

A boy from Clark County got it.

He's a lucky guy.

And so am I.

♪ Because we're going to the chapel ♪
♪ and we're gonna get married... ♪

That was the heart I needed.

Oh, I'm sure there's another one just around the corner.

Come on, we should try to beat the rush of Mexicans getting married.

My doctor said b-positive hearts are rare.

Huh?

Maybe come along once every six months.

I looked it up online.

No, no, lots of people are organ donors.

I won't last another six months.

You got to keep a positive outlook, Dottie.

I'm ready to go now, Frank.

Take me to the bedroom.

The... oh.

No. No, no, no, no, I can't do that.

I'm halfway there as it is.

We're not married.

Don't do this, Frank.

I'm a very religious man.

I know that you've been playing me.

What? It's okay.

I've enjoyed our time together.

So have I.

You took care of me and gave me companionship in my final weeks.

But my house is going to the national coalition of nuns.

And my money's gonna go to my daughter.

You said she wasn't speaking to you.

She doesn't... But it's my fault.

I wasn't a good mother.

The booze, and I yelled.

And I hit her.

It's gotta go to her, Frank.

(Sighs)

I should be getting home to my kids.

I'll give you two grand.

What?

Cash. It's in the freezer.

(Sighs)

Make it three?

Two and the flat screen.

If you care about me, you'll do this for me, Frank.

I want to leave the lights on when we do it.

And eyes open.

(Dottie screams, Frank vocalizes)

(Both moaning loudly)

You feel so good. Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes.

(Muttering, vocalizing)

(Grunting)

(Panting)

Why didn't we do that a long time ago? Huh?

♪ Yeah ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ blue balls ain't no fun and I know... ♪

I'm at, uh, 354 Crescent Drive.

♪ Why don't you stick to what you know? ♪

My girlfriend died.

You're still so warm.

♪ Oh, yeah, every day, uh-huh ♪
♪ on the tv tray. ♪

Hi. Hey. What's up?

I feel really bad somebody swiped your money.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I thought I'd give you...

Oh, please, like I don't know you took it.

What? No. Come on, you stole my goddamn money. Admit it.

I did not. Of course you did.

You're a skanky, ghetto trash, hood girl.

Oh, what, like you're all high and mighty 'cause you moved north, and you have a Louis Vuitton?

Which you f*cking swiped.

Which you were stupid enough to leave on the L.

Bitch. Oh, you're the bitch.

Okay? I came here to be nice, but forget it now.

f*ck you. Oh, eat me.

Whore. Slut.

Asshole. c**t.

Off to steal another f*cking purse?

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

f*ck you! f*ck!

Hey, still free to get together?

Veronica: Fi, you up here?

You want to go to the Alibi with me, spend some money and support Kev?

She went to give the purse woman her money back.

He's okay. Not dead.

Debs, what gives with this obsession about death?

Nothing.

Come on, it's me.

Well, until Harry, I had no idea people I knew could die.

Honey, he was old.

Yeah, but that means my family's gonna die, too.

Yeah, in, like, 80 years.

And then I'll be all alone.

What?

Men die first. Lip, Ian, Carl, Liam.

Then Fiona because she's older.

That just leaves me all by myself.

Debs, there are way too many things in life you're gonna have to worry about.

Don't stress about this right now.

Yeah, but I can't shut off my brain.

Think about nice things.

Flowers, ice cream, puppies.

Can you do that?

I guess so.

What are you thinking about now?

A puppy...

Getting hit by a car.

(Laughs)

Well, that's a start.

Come here.

Why'd you want to meet here?

You said I should have made a move on you in high school.

You should have.

Here we are.

You want to pretend like we're back in high school?

We don't really have to pretend.

What do you mean?

In some time space continuum, we still are in high school.

Like in a parallel universe?

What about your wife?

I didn't have a wife in high school.

(Loud grunting)

Seriously?

(Goofy grunting)

Ew!

(Grunting)

(Whimsical music plays)

Female mechanical voice: Z. Zebra.

Super. Which one is the Zebra?

(Grunting continues)

Okay, you know what? What?

Which one is the Zebra?

(High-pitched eeking)

Good job!

Ee, ee, ee.

Two virgin piña coladas.

Thank you, Kate. Hey, baby.

Lenny, Lenny, what the f*ck, man?

This isn't a litter box.

Don't say a f*cking word.

I didn't say anything. You were thinking it.

I was not.

What you said this morning was really mean. I know.

I'm sorry. That's why I came, to show you support.

Oh, yeah? Well, the beach party's a disaster.

The next one's gonna be better.

And don't be chopping off my balls like that again.

I got nothing but love for your balls.

V, I really want to buy this bar.

Fine.

If the time comes where Stan needs to sell, we'll try and figure something out, but no Vinnie The Shiv.

Jesus Christ. Squelch my dreams much?

(Laughs)

(Veronica laughs, door closes)

Kevin: Nice. Where'd you steal that one from, Frank?

Booze.

Have you been crying?

Makers. How many shots?

(Sighs) Bottle it is.

You look like you've seen a ghost, Frank.

Ring.

Aw, Frank, the prayer worked.

Karen: Is that my ring?

(Screams)

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

("Wedding March" playing)

You okay, daddy?

I just looked death in the face, Debs.

It wasn't pretty.

I know what you mean.

You got to just think of something nice.

♪ It just got cold outside ♪
♪ but it's much colder... ♪

(Line ringing)

♪ Here ♪
♪ with you... ♪

(Line ringing)

(Ringtone playing)

Hey.

Hey.

How are you?

Good.

You?

Good.

Just wanted to say hi.

Glad you did.

Bye.

(Exhales slowly)

Ow, ow, sweetie, watch the teeth.

(Sighs)

♪ oh... ♪

(Clatters, Frank sighs)

("Mischief Night" by The Young Werewolves playing)

(Frank coughs)

♪ Well, I ♪
♪ I heard a rumor it was goin' down ♪
♪ I heard a rumor it was goin' down ♪