02x04 - A Beautiful Mess

Where the hell were you last week, you fools!

This is Colonel Curt McNally.

I was hoping you could tell me a little bit about West Point.

Go watch the kids, please! Okay, guys, I'm going up to my office.

Debs and Ethel are in charge.

Do you know what this is? Liberation.

Today, a grocery truck. Tomorrow, the world.

I want to marry Karen.

Karen: We can't have s*x anymore.

Is that my ring? (Squeals)

f*ck!

Are we on for later?

I haven't decided if I still like you, Adam.

You went to high school with this Craig Heisner?

He's hot. Sent him your number.

What's the opposite of thank you?

Bet he thinks you're gonna hook up.

He's married.

Well, it's a good thing that I met up with Craig Heisner.

He's married.

I was surprised to hear from you on Facebook.

You were always with that bitchy cheerleader.

What was her name, Lucy Joe?

You mean my wife.

Oh, sh1t.

(Chuckles)

So that was fun.

Yeah, it was.

If I weren't married, maybe things would be different.

Why'd you want to meet here?

You said I should have made a move on you in high school.

What about your wife? I didn't have a wife in high school.

(Grunting) Seriously?

♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of♪

♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of♪

♪ ♪
♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of♪

♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so... ♪
♪ sure of♪

(kids laughing)

Oh, no, we have a spill.

Stop throwing food, Ankush! Stop!

It's not funny, kids!

I can do this feeding if you need a break.

(Crying)

Debbie? Let's not throw food.

Girl: Who's playing in there?

(Knocking)

Kids: Come in! Come in!

(Kids laughing)

(Kids shouting)

I'm looking for Fiona Gallagher.

How old is he?

He is a she. Where's Fiona?

Uh, hang on. I'll get her.

Shh!

No, house better be on fire, Debs.

Possible new client downstairs. Asked for you specifically.

And it's always better to have an adult do the intake.

Can you handle another kid?

I never ask if you can handle your job.

How old?

A crawler. Easy. Come on.

Hey, I'm Fiona.

Bitch!

(Debbie screams)

That's for f*cking my husband!

Oh, sh1t!

Remember me? Lucy Joe Heisner?

Craig's wife?!

Oh, Christ!

You run like a coward, you filthy bitch!

♪ ♪ you are not getting away from me that easily, you little slut!

sh1t. Ah, sh1t!

I'm gonna beat you like a piñata till candy flies outta your ass!

sh1t!

(Grunting)

Yeah, asshole, run!

sh1t!

(Yells)

Come here! Bitch!

Sheils?

Sheila?

How come I don't smell any breakfast?

Oh! Jesus!

Why are you nude?

Gotta air it out.

Where's Sheila?

Hair salon.

497, 498...

499, 500...

Excuse me.

Hello!

Can you tell Valerie that I'll be a little late?

Why the hell does she gotta go to a beauty salon?

I'm the only one that looks at her.

I don't give a rat's ass.

Not for long. Mom's hoping to get her old job back.

sh1t, I'm losing her, aren't I?

I'm making eggs. I'll make you some. Fiona: - sh1t!

Lucy Joe: Can't hide forever!

Oh, Jesus Christ! Do not let that woman in!

What the hell did you do?

Lucy Joe: You know how I know you f*cked him?

He told me, you filthy pen1s mitten!

(Frank chortles)

Why would he do that? Why would he tell her?

'Cause you chose a pussy.

You always pick pussies.

(Chuckles)

It'll die down in a couple of days.

She'll turn all that anger back on him.

If you're lucky, you'll get one more desperation f*ck out of the guy.

You better be on the pill, bitch! Huh?

Craig's babies are all ten-pounders.

You push one out, it'll tear you in two!

I was chased from my own house, and now I'm hiding in yours.

Holy sh1t, I'm you.

I have waited for this day.

Jody: Frank?

Under here.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Want some eggs?

You really do have a gift.

200 bones at 50 cents apiece.

I meant what I said, we're not screwing anymore.

Yeah, right.

What, you were serious about that?

Oh, a grain of sand? That's all it takes?

More than you ever gave me.

How much you even know about this guy?

I know enough to know he's enough.

We can still be friends, right?

Right.

(Chuckles)

What's with the Megan Fox shrine?

Carl's been sleeping in the van.

(Laughs) Is he even ten yet?

You know what, I'm not even sure he's around.

He's been hanging out with this kid Hank.

Another knee-high delinquent.

Ten bucks says they're in juvie by now.

Guy must travel a lot.

Nope. He's a midget.

Likes how these make him feel normal. (Laughs)

(Phone rings)

House sitters, incorporated.

Mom, I told you, I need to keep this line open for clients.

(Coughs) Yes, I'm fine.

Tomorrow.

Yeah, me, too.

Bummer the guy comes back tomorrow.

Relax, I got more gigs lined up.

(Footsteps) What was that?

What the hell is going on?!

sh1t! You said Thursday.

It is Thursday! You were just supposed to bring in the mail and water, you little turd!

You're drinking my booze?!

I thought you were kidding about the midget thing!

(Boys shriek)

Whoo!

Ethel, come on. Why don't you go upstairs and borrow a swimming suit from Debbie? Come in the pool?

No, thank you, sir. I wouldn't feel comfortable unless I was in my own swimming costume.

All right, suit yourself, party pooper.

(Gasps)

Coast clear?

Yeah. Who we dodging today?

Bill collectors? Process servers?

Mrs. Craig Heisner.

What are you doing?

You've been acting like a dude all summer.

Oh, it's okay for guys to play the field, but not me?

It's okay if you want guys to start running their dicks through the dishwasher after they bone you.

Shut up. That's some serious UV protection.

I know. She won't loosen up.

I'm really starting to worry that she doesn't interact with anybody her own age.

Should I force her or what?

I don't know. I'm making this sh1t up as I go along.

How'd she find out? Lucy Joe?

Jesus, what is that, a rash?

What? Yeah, I think it's from that laundry soap I got at the family dollar store.

Made in China. Probably tainted with melamine.

No way. You're not going in the pool with that.

Come on. We gotta show that to V.

What about my kids?

I don't have basketball practice until later.

Me and Ethel can watch 'em.

Ethel and I.

You and I are gonna go show this to Veronica.

Let's go. Go on.

Be careful! Kevin: - Yeah! (Laughs)

Whoo! (Laughs)

(Kids laughing)

(Phone line rings)

Recording: You got Jody. Hello?

It's possible for a guy to be named Jody and not be a douche bag?

Ever thought about calling him "Choady"?

Tool hijacked my s*x buddy.

Ian: Revisionist's history.

What?

More than a s*x buddy.

Nah, that was just my little brain doing all the thinking while my ass was doing all the talking.

You guys wanna come on the ice cream truck later?

Can't. Volunteering at the VA.

That's a waste of time.

It's gonna look good on my West Point application.

You know, you should be figuring out how to work the system instead of playing into it.

America is a meritocracy.

They don't even make boot straps anymore, then how the hell you supposed to pull yourself up by 'em?

Dumbass.

Dumbass.

Hey, I'm totally stealing "Choady," by the way.

Veronica's not a real nurse.

How's she supposed to diagnose this rash?

She can at least tell us if it's worth ponying up for the clinic.

Uh-oh, you came to hide under the bed?

I know.

I thought Craig was just gonna be about coffee and catching up.

Just sorta happened. Would you check out this rash?

Damn, that's nasty.

Almost looks like shingles.

Scabies, maybe?

Let's see here.

Been hiking in the woods lately?

What woods?

I called Steve.

What?

What? Why?

Change in your diet?

I don't know. I just wanted to hear his voice, I think.

Does your throat hurt?

No. Where is he?

I didn't ask.

Best guess, stress rash.

I knew it.

Daycare is too much for you to handle.

This is my fault.

Why does everything always have to become about you?

So, no need for a doctor?

Steroid cream first. Should do away with the breakout, but if it's stress, you're gonna have to start relaxing.

We done here? I got a house full of kids I need to get back to.

Gonna call Steve again?

I don't know.

Might wanna figure out why you wanna talk to him first.

This one here is Mrs. Johnson's favorite.

It likes to drink every day, but this one over here is a bit finicky, and only wants a little sip on the weekend.

Weekends. Got it.

Let me show you the upstairs plants.

Ew. What the hell you want with them nasty old boulder holders?

I practice opening 'em.

Never know what kinda clasps you're gonna encounter in the dark.

My motto, "be prepared."

♪ ♪ weekend came early.

Fiona: Maybe I should give up some shifts and help you more with the daycare.

Your waitress tips are the only thing that's gonna get us through the winter.

You should not be carrying this much responsibility.

It's only for two more weeks.

Two weeks?

Till school starts.

Deb, you're 11.

You need to start acting like it.

You want me to start collecting puffy stickers and lip gloss?

Yeah! Maybe hang out at the park sometime.

Loitering.

How about you invite some friends over and relax in the pool?

No lifeguard. Liability.

They can come over, hang out in the pool and then sleep over.

It'll be like a... like a birthday party sleepover party.

My birthday's not until October.

Hey, it's somebody's birthday somewhere, so we'll celebrate that. Make a guest list.

Make your list, or I will.

it's not a game
♪ the word is out, it's boxing time ♪
♪ chicks still so clocking my dime ♪ slut!

(Tires squeal)

Did you know he was married?

At least it's chocolate.

Come on.

♪ ♪
♪ the way we bounce keep making it bump ♪
♪ like bump, bump, bump, girl, you like that♪

♪ let's go ♪
this is not a game
♪ let's go ♪
this is not a game!

Karen just left.

Bummer.

You think Sheila's going to throw me out? - Yep.

Choady still on the couch? - I never should have f*cked Dottie to death.

I could have made that work.

What's his last name?

There's no money in there.

If Sheila starts working again, I am finished.

Know where's he from?

Probably at the beauty salon right now.

...523, 524, 525!

I made it!

This is better than s*x.

Maybe I'll get lucky, and she'll have a relapse by the end of the week.

Looks like she'll be joining you for a drink at the Alibi by the end of the week.

sh1t!

My room still open at home?

Uh... you wanna stay here?

It's where the heart is.

Left side.

My advice, no one trades an MVP.

Make myself valuable, un-tradable.

Exactly.

You know what, the world out there is a scary place.

Maybe it needs to get even scarier.

Lip. How's it going, man?

Good, good. You know, I'm good, Choady.

Hey, is that short for anything?

Uh, Jody?

Nope.

You, uh, working anywhere these days?

Nope.

From around here, or...?

Wilmette.

Family still there?

No.

Hey, you want to grab a beer with me tonight at the Alibi?

Kind of hoping my next time at the Alibi would be with mom.

Oh, your mom?

Sheila.

Right, well, hey, you know what you should do, you should scope the place out for her first.

Kind of like the secret service does before the president goes anywhere.

Copy that.

See you tonight.

Great.

Kevin: Yo, can you hustle, please?

I know you can run faster than that.

Ronelle, come on, man.

Pretend like you just stole something.

Got to move.

Got to push your body.

Rebound. Push it. Outlet.

Push it.

Hey, Ethel, you think you might want to play a little bit?

I could throw you in there for a few drills.

What are you looking at?

Malik?

Are you looking at Malik?

Yo, Malik!

Malik: What's up, coach?

This is Ethel.

Hey.

Hello.

This your little brother?

No, this is Jonah, he's my son.

Oh, no sh1t?

We should get our kids together for a play date, or some sh1t like that.

Oh! How old is your...?

Girl. 13 months tomorrow.

Such a sweet age.

You better stay away from my man.

Tanisha, why you trippin'? You know we're not together no more.

I meant no harm, Tanisha.

Where I come from, it's an honor to share your man.

Really? How about I honor you with a brick upside your head?

Kevin: All right, all right, Tanisha.

This isn't Jerry Springer.

Calm down.

Put all that spunk out on the court.

You, too. Go.

You're a little sh1t starter.

Sheila: Frank?

Frank, can you come take a look at the stove?

It's not lighting.

You got it, babe.

I just smelled gas, honey.

It was fine this morning.

Let's see what we got here.

Aha. Just a little loose.

Oh.

Voila.

Thank you, Frankie.

That's what I'm here for.

Oh!

Boy, glad you noticed that.

Could have blown up the whole house.

Took out an entire block in California. 16 dead.

I know. Terrible.

Did you see that article in the paper yesterday?

What article?

A guy walked into a market and cut off a woman's head with a machete.

Which market?

What?

Which market was it?

Who cares?

What matters is that he would do that for no reason.

Well, he must have had a reason.

Says he just went nuts.

Well, that's a reason.

I'm trying to tell you it's dangerous out there, Sheils.

So promise me you won't go to a market.

Well, Frank, you never told me which market.

Any of 'em. Ever!

I don't want anything to happen to you, because I love you.

So stop asking stupid f*cking questions.

Frank, sweetie, I love you too, but I have learned in therapy that you can't control what goes on in the world.

No, you can just choose to be a part of it every single day.

Ha-ha! I almost didn't make it.

I had to take the long way around to avoid Lucy Joe and her banner.

Don't you wish the s*x was worth the punishment?

Hi, Craig, you need to call off your mouth-foaming-bitch-of-a-wife!

And this is Fiona Gallagher.

Thank you. Bye.

Smooth.

I still don't understand why he told her.

'Cause he's a pussy. You always pick pussies.

Well, they are what they eat.

(Laughing)

Oh, Richard's back from France this week.

The Jasmine set-up?

Yeah, me, Jasmine, David and him are gonna hang out.

Maybe you and Kev?

Pass.

Have fun in the Viagra triangle.

Deb's having a sleepover party night after next 'cause I told her that she had to. And you have to come.

Oh, I can't. I'm working overnight at the home.

Do you want to hear her guest list?

Fiona, Veronica and Aunt Ginger.

Poor kid.

Three people on her list, and two of 'em are stuck in an old age home all night.

She's got no friends, V.

How did I not see that she had no friends?

Hey, you. Can I see some ID, please?

Are you kidding me?

Show me something. I gotta cover my ass.

All right.

(Sighs)

Thank you, Dwayne Foster.

Can I just get a coke?

Now, why would you do that?

What?

Not drink.

Gotta piss.

How the hell am I supposed to loosen him up and get any sh1t on this guy if he's stone sober?

Man, I'm telling ya, I don't think the guy has any dirt on him at all.

He's gotta have an angle.

I think he's just some Joe-bag-a-donuts dude.

Or a John Wayne Gacy. I'm gonna pinch his wallet.

Hey, got your coke.

Weird, Karen's number's written in the stall.

Oh. There you go.

Oh, sh1t! I'm sorry, man.

I uh, I got some on my leg. I'll be right back.

Ah, I'm sorry about that.

(Mutters)

f*cking dick.

(Door opening)

Give me his f*cking wallet and phone, you retard.

You know, that dyke chick on Glee says it's not cool to use that word.

Why are you such a dick?

On the subject of dicks, does Choady have a choad, or what?

You're better than this guy, Karen.

(Sighs)

Thing is, Lip, I'm not.

Malik may come by today with Tamika, if that's okay.

Fine. But they eat, we charge 'em.

Thought you'd still be asleep.

We have a party to plan.

Most important part of any birthday celebration-- the cake.

What are you feelin'?

Strawberry and cheese coffee cake from Weber's bakery.

Definitely.

Even your taste in food is like a 40-year-old.

Okay, it's your party.

Triple espresso lattes!

Hey, Jasmine.

Does she have a key now?

It was open.

You really shouldn't sleep in your makeup, by the way.

Just look at Courtney Love.

Ooh, you are so welcome, miss Debbie.

So, has he called you?

Who?

Richard. I gave him your number.

Of course you did.

You haven't been home yet, have you, dirty girl?

Spent the night on David's boat.

Richard's somewhere on business. Rome? Singapore?

Someplace exotic.

I got a little left over from last night.

You want some?

Jesus, it's 8:00 in the morning.

David, I think, might be taking me to Paris.

He's got some kind of conference.

What are you going to tell Hal?

Uh, I don't know, I'll think of something.

What'd you tell him last night?

My mom's sick. I've been nursing her back to health.

You're using your mom's breast cancer to cheat on your husband?

It's the only good thing about her double mastectomy.

Daughter of the year.

You're one to talk.

Mrs. Heisner been back around with the baby and the bat?

You hear about that?

It's priceless.

(Text alert)

Oh. My ball and chain.

I got to get back home.

Do you mind if I shower and change upstairs?

Sure.

Oh, and when Richard does call, just say yes. He's a good one.

He's got the cash to treat you right, and he can probably still get it up on his own.

Did you know that the trigonometric moment problem has infinitely many solutions if the Toeplitz matrix a is invertible?

Yeah. Nothing but parking tickets.

This Choady guy makes vanilla taste like f*cking thai spice.

You ran a background check?

Tony.

You know, the only remotely interesting thing is a restraining order against his ex-girlfriend because she threw a camera at him.

He's f*cking ridiculous, this guy.

You're like Liam when someone touches one of his toys.

I don't find any dirt, I'll just have to make some.

You guys think you could hang out at some point Saturday night?

Deb's sleepover-- help fill out the guest list?

Sure. - Yeah, I'll bring some strippers and a hookah pipe.

I'm kidding.

I thought it was funny.

♪ the people on the bus all smell like pee ♪
♪ smell like pee, smell like pee ♪
♪ the people on the bus all smell like pee ♪
♪ most likely because they peed. ♪ you know what works? Unfiltered apple juice.

I'm gonna try that. This little girl here hasn't made a dookie in like, three days.

Poor baby.

So you live with your great-grandparents?

I do, which is pretty cool.

I mean, they're good people and all, but it sucks because they're getting so old it's kind of hard for them to do stuff like go to the park, lift things, work the remote.

Hmm, it's the same with my husband, Clyde.

We had to get one of those phones with the giant numbers.

Oh.

Debbie: Need a hand with this diaper change.

All the way up the back.

Oh.

I'll be back in a minute.

Okay.

(Crying)

Whoa!

Oh! I know!

Oh, God.

Got to tell his mom to knock it off with the fruit strips.

Get the wipes, quick.

So, are you and Malik like, boyfriend and girlfriend now?

What? Shh...

No, of course not. We're just friends.

He totally likes you.

We have a lot in common because of our children, but that's it.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

Besides the fact that I'm already married.

So, Clyde gets to have ten wives, but you can only have one husband?

Lamp's on the fritz. I'll look at it later today.

Where are you going?

Karen and I are going to look at wedding dresses. - What?

What did I tell you about what can happen to a woman shopping?!

Sheils, I need you here with me.

Safe. With your head on.

Sweetie, nothing's going to happen.

I'll be with Karen.

We'll use the buddy system.

Don't worry.

Karen!

You're not going to take Cole Street, are you?

That woman was just attacked on Cole street.

What woman?

Uh, 77 years old.

Animal tried to rape her.

Luckily, her dog scared him away.

We should get a dog.

Karen (Laughing): We have Frank.

Frank: The hell is that supposed to mean?

You have sh1t on the carpet.

You know, why do you have to...?

You guys, listen, this is a big day for me, all right?

No bickering.

Sorry, mom.

Let's go.

Jody: Go get 'em, mom.

Sheila: Thanks, Jody.

Proud of her.

Yeah, no, me, too.

I just hope she doesn't push herself too hard.

Her doctor tells me she's very fragile right now, ripe for a relapse.

I hear you, man, Karen's pretty fragile, too.

Not the first word that comes to mind, but okay.

Like a baby deer in the forest and life's like the hunter.

Fiona: I think you should try to expand your social circle a little.

Why? You have us and V and your pushy friend Jasmine, and that seems to be enough.

I'm actually trying to expand my circle, too, meet new people.

(Both gasp)

What about Ethel?

Why not invite her?

She's more of a colleague.

Come on.

Okay, fine, so it'll be you, me, and Ethel.

And... and Carl.

What?

Saturday night, you're coming to Deb's sleepover.

Sounds gay.

You can bring a friend.

Okay.

I want you to invite two more kids from your class that you like.

I don't like any kids in my class.

Well, then, two more that you sort of like or can stand to be around or think are cool or think maybe might like you.

Hey, you're a good kid, Deb.

You deserve friends.

No money, no drink.

I'm not here to drink.

I'm here to borrow something.

A brain or a heart?

That.

Stan's Luger? No way.

He pulled that off a dead kraut's fingers on the rhine, then shot the guy in the nuts just for sh1ts and giggles.

Can I just see it?

You can see it from there.

♪ ah... ♪
♪ ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ oh, I'll go walkin' from here ♪
♪ ah... ♪

Debbie, hi, I was just about to cross check.

You want to watch?

Bullshit.

Where?

There.

You know Holly Herkimer, right?

Holly hickey-maker?

(Chuckles)

Yeah, why?

Son of a bitch.

You introduce me to Holly, you can come to my sleepover.

Cool, w-when is it?

Tomorrow.

Okay, yeah, let me just check my schedule.

Yeah.

Yeah, that should, that should work.

Great.

Gearing up for bank robbery season?

I don't have any whippets, Frank.

Saw a couple spray paint cans behind the liquor store you could huff.

Why do you think I want something?

You're breathing.

Hoping to gank a couple of rounds of ammo from you.

Who you hunting?

Trying to scare off a neighborhood dog.

Yeah, anybody I know?

A f*cking Luger?

That's sweet, man.

It was my father's.

Hey, I don't think they make ammo for that anymore.

Ah, come on, just one cap.

What do you mean one cap?

Slugs are specific to each gun, Frank.

It's not a f*cking mix and match.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guns ain't garanimals.

Look at that.

Perfect fit.

(Indistinct chatter)

(Karen screams) Aah, Jesus.

What the hell was that?

I'm sure it was just a car backfiring, sweetie.

Scratched cornea.

Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.

You're lucky that's all that happened to you.

Cartoons-- whole head explodes.

She's not giving up, Kev.

Sheila's going to be down here tomorrow unless I can stop her.

Maybe it won't even be that big a deal.

She'll come down, she'll sit down, have a drink, laugh a little, dance maybe.

Could be totally harmless.

I know we all love to bust balls around here, but seriously, guys, if Sheils makes it down tomorrow, you promise to keep your mouths shut about me?

All: - No. - Yeah, right.

f*ck you.

You banged her kid--

I'm telling.

(Laughs)

(Sighs)

Dan, my man.

Ha.

Very funny, asshole.

Oh, come on, I'm just messing with you.

Look at us, we look like a couple of pirates.

Let me buy you a drink, ol' Danny boy.

What do you want, Martin?

Uh, uh, s-Simon... my, my name is Simon.

This is my friend Debbie Gallagher.

Hi, we're actually in the same history class.

We are?

I let you cheat off me all the time.

Oh, good for you.

Um...

Gallagher-- any relation to Lip?

Yeah, he's my brother.

It's short for Philip.

Lip is.

(Simon whistles)

So I was just wondering if maybe you'd want to come to my sleepover tomorrow night?

Is there going to be food?

Hell, yeah.

Can we watch an R-rated movie?

Sure.

Is your brother going to be there?

Probably, yeah.

Okay.

Oh, cool.

I'll see you there.

Linda doesn't know it yet, but she's letting me borrow her kids' Kinect for Deb's party.

Sweet.

Yeah.

What are you watching?

Some sh1t on the Learning Channel about pole dancers.

Speaking of hookers, how's Karen?

f*ck off.

Still working on Operation Choady.

Got a couple ideas on how to lose the guy.

Why don't we just kill him?

So not worth the time in jail, dude.

I was thinking something more along the lines of planting naked photos of Liam on his laptop.

Oh, good one.

Yeah, I thought so. All right.

Now, seriously, this does nothing for you?

Eh... still gay.

Still gay.

Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down is X-rated.

I said you could watch something R-rated.

It's got to be edgy an-and cool.

The object is to be scared, not scarred.

Maybe Lip and Ian have something.

You are not gonna be happy.

We got to work tomorrow night.

I can't, Deb's party is tomorrow night.

Well, Ivan rented out the place for a private party.

You're the one who made me have the stupid party.

You flake, it's gonna suck.

No, it won't.

Yes, it will!

Can somebody else take my shift?

Some Richard dent hall of fame party.

Said anybody who doesn't work is fired.

Maybe we can make the party another night.

Lip: Work your shift.

We got the party.

You can be here all night?

Of course-- it's going to be the hottest party ever.

Mandy's coming, too.

Oh, my God, this is going to be so cool.

(Overlapping chatter)

(Line ringing) Recording: It's Steve.

Leave some words.

Total long shot-- do you want to come to Debbie's sleepover tomorrow night?

Might be tough coming from halfway around the world.

I mean, it looks like I may not even be able to make it, and I live right here.

I'm making no sense.

Okay.

Call me.

♪ maybe too quiet... ♪

(toilet flushing)

♪ you've been holding back now ♪ good morning, baby.

Morning.

Where's Ethel?

She's over at Malik's crib having a playdate.

You let her go?

They're just friends.

Boys like Malik don't have friends with vaginas.

Well, I just think it's awesome that she's hanging out with people her own age, doing something other than chores.

He's probably got her doing his chores.

What's your beef with Malik?

I don't want Ethel dating that black kid.

Racist.

You're a racist.

I am not a racist.

I don't hate all black people, Kev, just the ones who make babies at 14 and probably can't read.

(Sighs)

(Microwave beeps)

What the hell you smiling at?

You're a mama bear.

What?

You're turning into a mama bear with your little baby Ethel cub.

Shut up.

My mama bear.

Shut it down.

My little mama bear.

(Both laugh)

So, you're kind of like a 12-year-old girl.

Which flick do you think we should watch tonight at Deb's party?

Nightmare On Elm Street.

Remake-- still scary as sh1t.


Carl: Karen got ready for work with the drapes open, which was awesome.

Then she stopped for some cigarettes and then she went straight to work at the movies.

Be there till late.

Last show gets out at, like, 1:00, plus clean-up.

Thanks, man.

You got Carl following her around now?

I can't believe you're still cock-blocking Karen.

She has no cock.

How am I blocking it?

Let it go, man.

What do you want, huh, you want to marry her, be with her forever?

Look, I'm just looking out for her.

She's my best friend.

No, I'm your best friend.

She's your f*ck buddy.

No, you're my brother who should shut the f*ck up.

Ian: Friends usually want what's best for each other.

This could be the best thing for Karen.

Oh, so now you know what's best for everyone?

The kid who wants to die for a country that thinks he's one of God's mistakes?

The shrink at school says I'm one of God's mistakes.

The girl has "whore" tattooed on her arm.

She put my dick in her mouth 'cause you asked her to.

What?!

You need to shut the f*ck up.

So, what, you get her to dump the guy, stick around for when Carl gets his first woody so she can work him, too?

I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.

What, are you freebasing lycopene now, you worthless piece of sh1t?

Why you got to be such an asshole?

Apple fell where you dropped it.

You think, uh, Karen and that guy are a done deal?

Who knows?

She's a flighty thing.

Actually, kind of reminds me of your mother-- a beautiful mess.

That was smart, coming in your pajamas already.

These aren't my pajamas.

Fiona: One strawberry and cheese coffee cake from Weber's.

Debbie: Thanks. Yum!

I got to get ready for work. You look gorgeous, party girl.

Oh, my, you look lovely.

Thank you.

Dinner was great, mom.

Well, schnitzel is the same thing as chicken parmesan, only without the tomato sauce and cheese.

Did you know that?

No.

Did you know that, Frank?

Yeah, it's breaded chicken.

Chicken nuggets are just mini schnitzels.

This is the same sh1t.

Sheila: It really is.

I've got to go.

Wait, w-w-wait, go where, where?

I'm going to Gayle's house to watch a movie, and it's only a half a block from the Alibi, which means tomorrow I'll make it there.

Let me get this.

Oh, thank you, Frankie.

(Sighs) You know what?

(Gasps) I feel so frisky tonight.

Oh...

Stay home, stay home.

Thank you.

Will ya? Stay home and play with me.

Oh, Frank.

Come on.

You know what, sweetie?

Huh?

I am very flattered, but Gayle-- she's the one that tried to hang herself that one time, so I really try not to let her down.

But I'm flattered.

Wait.

Do I feel hot to you? I think I'm getting sick.

Will you stay and make some soup for me?

You feel fine.

I'll be back before you know it, and if you're still feeling oogie, I'll make you some ginger tea.

Jody: Good luck, mom.

Sheila: Thank you, Jody.

sh1t.

(Door closes)

You want to play Husker Du?

(Knocking)

Don't, d...

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God!

Thank God someone is home.

Please help me!

What happened?

Hey, Frank, call 911!

Dan: I was walking down the street when this bus mirror caught my arm and just kept going!

Dragged me, like, 50 feet!

Where's my arm?!

Frank, put some pressure on this.

I'm gonna go look for the arm!

(Sobbing)

How was I?

It was a good performance, just wrong audience.

You eating this?

Knock yourself out.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, it's your party.

No working. Come on.

Got a light?

Yeah.

Thanks for sticking around tonight.

It's for Deb, it's not for you.

Still, thanks. Okay.

Hey, party girl.

Hi.

Brought you a couple of black lights.

Thought it'd set the mood.

It makes most people better looking.

Aren't they also good for finding traces of blood?

Well, my dad used 'em to snuff out fake bills.

Jesus, that shirt gets any lower, it'll be underwear.

More skin, more skins.

Carl: Ding dongs! Awesome!

Carl, those are for guests.

Good, I brought one.

Hey, birthday girl.

I'm Little Hank.

Hi. I'm Debbie.

It's not really my birthday.

Good, 'cause I didn't really bring you a present.

(Knock on door)

I'm here for the Gallagher thing.

Really?

You invited Holly Herkimer?

She's, like, 15.

You said it could be anyone from my class.

It's not her fault she's still in the fourth grade.

Yes. It is.

Yo, still got sparklers from the fourth.

Make sparkler bombs.

Where's the duct tape?

In my kidnap kit in the van.

I'll get it.

Let's go.

You sure you got this?

Lip: Yeah, no problem.

Okay, have fun. But not too much fun.

I'm sorry, I got to go.

I hope you have a really great time tonight.

Me, too.

Okay.

(Girl screaming over tv)

Chris! All right!

Hey! Hey! Chris!

Stop! Chris! Stop!

(Screaming, shouting continue over tv)

Can I get you another slice of pizza, Hank?

Little Hank.

Hank's my old man; He's an asshole.

My dad, too.

(Giggles)

(Sniffs)

What are you doing?

Just wanted to see what your hair smelled like.

Thought it would smell like flowers and sh1t, but it's cigarettes and coconuts.

Still totally hot.

I've already seen this movie, and this pizza sucks.

Sorry. Can I make you a grilled cheese?

You can make me one.

Where's Lip?

(Both grunting, panting)

God, you're so f*cking hot.

This is amazing.

Flattery will get you everywhere.

(Both grunting, moaning)

Shh. I don't want Ian to hear us.

He won't.

(Both moaning)

(Muffled grunting)

(Both panting)

(Laughs)

I bet you could get any guy into bed, huh?

Yeah. Why?

(Knock on door)

Karen home?

At work, pulling a double.

Mind if I wait?

♪ I almost lost you ♪
♪ now you're back ♪
♪ your beautiful smile ♪ recording: It's Steve. Leave some words.

Adam: Caw-caw!

Hey, I bet you're wondering where I've been.

Not really.

China. Putting together a deal.

Oh!

Anybody pee in your coke?

Ooh.

Is that an offer?

Oh, I'd love to, but I got to get home.

Oh, come on, I'll drive you.

Such a gentleman.

Uh-uh. Ulterior motive.

I figure this way, maybe I get an offer to come inside for a nightcap.

I think you've had enough.

(Laughs) How about I drive you?

(Tires screeching)

Right.

Yeah, all right, okay.

Now, this is a big first step, all right?

I don't let anybody drive her.

Not even Valets.

Oh, that's smart.

I hear they steal cars.

Yeah, okay. Easy, easy, easy.

Relax. I know how to work a stick.

Yeah?

Uh-huh, yeah.

(Laughs): All right.

(Tires screeching)

(Both whooping)

(Car horns honking, tires screeching)

Psst.

I got duct tape if you want.

We could put her in the van.

Want to see how fast I can unhook your bra?

I don't wear a bra, runt.

Move, I have to pee.

(Sighs)

Ow!

Ow.

My God, woman, you work fast.

True. I've done some of my best work on a hall pass.

What the...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly!

I won't tell.

f*ck! Get out now!

Holly, out! No!

Ow!

Ow!

What the...

What's going on?

Lip's an asshole. I'm out of here.

What'd he do?

Want me to kick his ass?

I'm making waffles for breakfast.

Yeah?

Well, you can shove mine up Lip's ass.

Aha!

Easy, easy, easy.

That was good.

(Laughs)

The Fast And The Furious, huh?

Thanks for the ride.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Sorry for throwing up.

Holly?

Carl, what happened?

I don't know.

Jesus.

What is going on?!

Holly left my party in the middle of the night because of something Lip did.

You didn't.

No, I didn't.

All right, I blew her off, and she split.

You could've just done her so my party wouldn't have sucked!

Deb, she's 14!

Which one's Holly?

She left!

And then Little Hank left, too.

Deb, I'm sure the rest of the party was awesome.

How would you know?

You weren't here.

You Craig?

Who?

No.

Hey, you want to open my present now?

No, Simon. I don't really give a sh1t about your present.

Great job chaperoning.

What the hell would you have had me done, sleep with the kid?

This is my worst birthday ever.

Lip: Deb, let me make it up to you.

Okay? How about I take you to an R-rated movie sometime?

Little Hank, too?

He's not gonna go with just me.

Can Holly come, too?

Fine.

A double date.

No. Just me buying...

Escorting.

Deal.

I should, um, I should probably brush my teeth before we make out or anything.

Sleep it off on the couch.

No. Hey, I-I can drive.

No, you can't.

I'll see you in the morning.

Hey, do you think my car will still be there?

Parts of it.

Jesus Chr-- that's-- don't do that.

Top of the morning.

Let's go to the Alibi!

Come on. I want to meet all your co-workers.

I don't-- my shift doesn't start until noon.

Oh.

Okay.

You know what they say.

"The early bird catches the worm."

I caught it.

(Chuckles)

Oh, Jesus! Is that your fist?

No, it's my foot.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You said no toys.

Ooh, I can wiggle my toes.

(Laughs)

This little piggy went to market.

Ah!

(Laughs)

And this little piggy stayed home.

Okay, that's two piggies, right?

This little piggy...

(Laughs)

...Had roast beef.

And this little piggy had none.

(Groans): Oh, God.

But this little piggy...

No, no, no, no.

Not all the way home. Not all the way home.

...He went all the way home.

(Screams): Oh!

(Laughs) Whoo!

(Whispers): Carl!

Knock it off!

(Laughter outside)

Veronica: Yeah, throw it.

Throw it, let me play baseball.

I'm sorry I had to miss your party.

So, tell me about Hank.

(Chuckles)

He's cute, isn't he?

(Laughs)

Hey, uh, you got any coffee?

Hi. Uh, I'm Adam.

You married?

(Knock on door)

Oh, just hit me with the bat already.

I don't have time for this.

Wasn't my idea to come to an adulterer's house.

It was mine.

Well, actually, our priest.

He thinks we can put this whole thing behind us, but we just need your help.

My help?

Who the hell is this?

Hi. I-I'm Adam.

Just go and do what you came here to do.

I am asking both of you for your forgiveness.

I forgive you.

We done now?

Do you forgive me?

I want to.

I really do.

But every time I start to picture it, I just want to rip your head off and I want to sh1t down your neck.

Okay. What I hear you saying...

Is that you want to forgive me, you just need a little bit more time.

So f*ck father Nichols.

Lucy-jo, come on now...

Come on!

Kev's, like, a giant.

That's not fair.

Life's not fair, Debs.

Haven't you learned that by now?

All right, bring her down!

Come on, little girl, you're going down!

I don't play! I don't play!

(Laughs)

Looks like your rash is clearing up.

Yeah.

You guys done with your therapy?

They're still in the house.

He's singing "Your Body Is A Wonderland."

Hmm.

Kevin: Who's this?

Oh. Kevin, Adam.

Adam, Kevin.

How you doing, man?

Nice to meet you. Oh, sorry, bro.

(Laughter) Welcome.

Hey, you okay?

(Groans) Why the f*ck was Mandy Milkovich at my house trying to screw Jody?!

He turned her down and told me what happened!

Yeah, 'cause he's a f*cking pussy.

f*ck you!

Okay! Hey!

Stay the f*ck away from me! Stay the f*ck away from Jody!

And stay the f*ck away from this baby! (Sobs) feel my head.

Feel my head one more time.

I'm sure I'm running hot this time.

Frank, Frank, you are always like that after s*x.

Seriously, you're like a little steam engine.

Now, come on, you're already late for work. Let's go!

Come on.

Frank, come along.

♪ black cloud... ♪

(sighs)

(Mumbling quietly)

(Humming)

(Whooshing, crash)

(Train passing)

(Whimpering)

(Screaming)

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah!

Okay.

(Whistling)

♪ ♪

? black cloud gathered in the corner ?