02x06 - Can I Have A Mother?

Here's what you missed on Shameless last week: a whole lot of sh1t happened.

Where were you?

Think she'll come out today?

Not likely.

FRANK: Airplane wheel missed her by an inch.

(screaming)

They found Eddie.

At the bottom of Lake Michigan.

Babe? Your dad's dead.

Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

This is a West Point application.

I wanted to deliver it personally. Is Lip home?

What, McNally brought this for you?

Not me.

Congratulations.

VERONICA: Malik?

ETHEL: We're having a play date.

Sounds more like a date-date.

I hope someone takes care of him.

Don't you think Clyde deserves that?

Oh, for sure.

You Clyde? Ethel says hi.

Aah!

Karen's pregnant.

That's the Gallagher sperm.

Do the right thing. Split.

Kids need a father. Jody and I got hitched.

I want to know whose it is. The kid.

Jody's the father.

I'm not my dad.

Get out.

You hear me? I'm not my f*cking dad!

Hey.

Hey.

You look great, by the way.

SHAMELESS S02 Ep 06 - Can I have a Mother.

♪ ♪
♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so... ♪
♪ Sure of? ♪

(indistinct chatter)

You had late pick-ups on Monday and Thursday.

That's an extra $16.

I wasn't that late.

Fiona would charge you $20.

(beeping)

Come on.

Jesus.

It's a wonder I got here in one piece.

(groans)

You're looking for the Sunshine Adult Day Care.

It's up at the church.

Honey, only time I want to go to church is when I feel like getting molested.

What do you want? A tip?

Who are you two supposed to be?

I'm Ethel, and this is Jonah, my son.

You look a little crispy to be Liam.

Oh, I'm Malik.

Malik?

Yeah.

Jesus. Enough with the fake African spice rack crap. A little advice?

Some people are racist. You want to get ahead in the world?

Change your name so people don't know you're black.

Honey, is that hot water heater working?

Yeah.

Get me a towel. I gotta have a bath.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm your grandmother, sweetheart.

You Carl?

Get me a crowbar and a hammer.

(flushes)

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

I've got to run an errand.

(speaking Portuguese)

So...

Uh, lock the door, and don't answer for anybody.

Okay?

(speaking Portuguese)

If we were together for 100 years, I would never learn Portuguese.

Okay.

Why are we bashing a hole in the wall?

We're remodeling. Where's the rest of the litter?

Ian's at work, we haven't seen Lip for days, Liam's down in day care, and Fiona's probably trying to sleep.

She works nights.

What about Frank?

Doesn't live here anymore.

Good boy.

Now, out of the way.

What's that?

What's it look like?

A finger.

Ew.

You can touch it, but never put your finger on the trigger unless you're going to shoot someone.

You like secrets?

So do I. Hold out your hands.

Our little secret, all right?

There are important decisions to be made.

This much money comes with great responsibility.

Frank... can you run downstairs and ask Jody for the paprika?

Investments, trusts, tax evasion, liquidity.

Frank.

As soon as Eddie's insurance claim is settled and that check comes, we're gonna have to make some...

Frank.

What?

I can't let you be in charge of Eddie's insurance money, sweetheart.

You're an alcoholic.

I wasn't talking about me.

Okay.

Did you think I meant me?

No.

We need a highly experienced professional.

Yeah, that's right.

And just for the record, many great men have been well lubricated.

Henry Ford. Scott Fitzgerald.

David Hasselhoff. They all kept a bottle close.

Mom!

Beethoven's Fifth. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I think you should do these in the bathroom.

Ooh... Sheila, please...

No, we can just put down newspaper, honey.

There are important economic factors at play.

It's gonna smell! Use the tub.

Did you bring in the filleting knife, Our family's financial... and, the, uh, mesh gloves?

...security is in the... oh, f*ck it.

I'll be at the office.

Paprika?

(groans)

Um...

Honey, you know what I was thinking?

Um, we could put the food on the bed and then do folding chairs along the walls.

We can't hold a wedding reception in your bedroom.

Honey, parties are always in the living room.

This would be unique.

This is the start of my marriage.

It's important to me.

You can do it, Mom.

It's just going to happen downstairs.

You know what?

I am going to do the fish in the tub.

Whoever that is better have a death wish.

Sorry. Uh... something's come up.

Grammy's back.

(doorbell rings)

(smacking lips)

Oh, hi.

Hi. Uh...

I'm looking for Tony.

Honey! Just a sec.

(quietly): Okay.

She's nice, honey.

You got balls.

Coming back here.

I brought you something.

I don't take bribes.

Dude, you're living in one.

Think of this as a donation.

Policeman's Ball.

Tsunami relief.

End Autism Now.

It's your choice.

(sighs)

m*therf*cker.

Who the hell let you back in the country?

They were patting down a 90-year-old's diaper, and I slipped by.

Where the hell have you been?

Brazil.

You get the works or just a tummy tuck?

Just a dick reduction; still too big.

Okay.

I see that Tony's got a live-in, huh?

Yeah.

Second one this summer.

What do you want with Tony?

Just family stuff.

Business, you know.

No, I don't know.

What kind of business?

Morning.

Lip, where you been all night? Grammy showed up.

What, Joliet Grammy? She tunnel out?

Medical furlough.

Wow.

Hey, good luck.

Yeah.

Grammy?

Frank's mom.

Ran a slew of meth labs till one exploded, killing two college kids she'd recruited.

Whoa.

I see that, uh, Tony's got a live-in, huh?

Seems so.

Yeah, they're redecorating.

A little China cup.

Laotian, I think.

Yeah, see, I can never tell the difference between the two.

We should get together, have lunch, just... catch up.

I'm seeing someone.

So am I.

Imported or domestic?

Import.

Hey, we could bring them; a double date.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

I've already told her all about you.

No, you haven't.

Well, I mean, a bit about you.

You know, I-I'm sure that I have mentioned your name.

DEBBIE: Oh, come on, don't freeze.

Please, don't freeze.

Jesus, we had better gear than this piece of crap in prison.

Okay, we're good.

Dr. Noah Pitts.

The Pitts Center for Cosmetic Surgery.

Doctor, huh?

Well, he always did know his drugs.

Same macroeconomic headwinds, right?

So, how did they do a $3 billion payback?

These investment banks, we bail the fuckers out, they don't loan a dime.

Just-just nod your head if any of this is getting through to you.

You know what? Forget all of this; all you got to do is wear a suit, yes, and say "net, net" and "economic indicators."

Say it a lot.

Jesus. They let you out?

Yeah. They let me out.

KEVIN: Surprised to see you, Peg.

Thought you were doing 20 to life.

Tricked them into thinking I was dying.

So they let me out early.

Gin neat.

And something sweet for the kid.

Thanks for the push.

What are you doing here?

I'm conducting the Chicago Symphony.

Frankie, what do you think I'm doing?

(exhales)

Now, buy your mother a drink and pretend like you're glad to see me.

Oh, Jesus.

What's up with you and Ian?

Did he say something about Karen?

She's married.

You're skipping the wedding reception, I hope?

Wasn't invited.

She moved on.

Hope you see the irony in you giving relationship advice.

Grammy staying?

You want to tell her to leave?

Guess we'd better steal some fire extinguishers from the school, then.

Make it right with Ian.

You two are my rocks.

I can't do it without you.

One more.

That b*st*rd Noah dropped a dime on me.

No, he didn't.

Then how'd the cops know about the meth lab?

I don't know-- the explosion?

We're going to take a little road trip to see my old friend Pitts.

You bring your car around tomorrow, 6:00 a.m. sharp.

I don't have a car.

Christ, you're pathetic.

You bed-wetting excuse for a son.

Can I borrow your truck?

Not a chance.

It's for me.

I need to see a doctor.

Oh.

Take the bus.

(sighs)

Jesus. Don't worry.

We'll bring it back with a full tank.

A double date?

I know.

(beeps)

You gonna go?

Ah, sending a signal.

Yeah, what's that?

I still want to sit on your face.

So you wouldn't go?

Hell, yeah, I'd go.

I got to see what the new bitch looks like.

Who you gonna take?

Adam, I guess.

Oh, really? The Boy Scout?

Richard?

Ugh!

The old guy from the wedding? No.

Steve's new girl is hot?

Probably.

You're going to look like easy pickings for something on the side.

It's not going to happen.

Oh, like Craig Heisner wasn't going to happen?

(train clanking and screeching)

Frank?

Huh?

What?

You wet the bed.

Oh. Sorry.

Grammy's back.

Just showed up, in an ambulance.

You know, she, uh... she didn't even call.

How fucked-up is that, huh?

That's it?

Nothing?

You just gonna give me the chin?

How about now?

No?

Really? Still nothing?

No?!

GRAMMY: Frank here?

Yeah.

Thanks for the push, Carl.

My five bucks.

Hey.

I gave you $60 yesterday.

Don't get greedy.

Who is it? Someone for Frank.

Peggy Gallagher.

Frank's mom.

Oh... my goodness!

Oh, come in, come in, come in!

Oh...

You coming down?

I just woke up.

Look at me! Darn it, um, you caught us.

Uh, Frank?

He's still sleeping.

Oh... you did such a wonderful job raising that boy.

He's just so clean and so...

No, he's not clean.

I mean, um...

Uh, Frank...!

Frank?

Frank? Frank?

Frank, guess who's here.

What are you doing?

Drying the sheets.

Frank, why didn't you tell me that your mother was coming?

Jody and I could have made a coffee cake.

Look at me, I'm a wreck!

Get dressed!

Mr. Kevin, is everything all right?

You sounded upset over the phone.

WOMAN: Ethel.

ETHEL: Constance, Abigail, Ruth, Sarah?

KEVIN: Ethel, your sister wives have some news.

Our husband Clyde was murdered in the American prison.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy...

All right, will you please cut that out?

I'm not even sure it's allowed for you to be here.

We're working to bring you home.

She is home.

She was forced into sexual slavery.

She married joyfully of her own free will.

She was 11!

We've hired attorneys; you'll be home soon, dear sister.

Oh. Here is me with Marshmallow!

(laughing): My pony!

Oh... he died.

I was riding him and I thought he just tripped, but he never got up.

And here's Uncle Wendel.

No, that's Aunt Jane.

(belches)

You know, all this cooking we're doing is for my daughter Karen's wedding reception tomorrow.

We're having it here.

You should come. You must come.

(door opens)

Everyone in the whole neighborhood is gonna be here.

Oh... here he is!

Your ears must be burning.

GRAMMY: You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago-- now we're gonna be stuck sitting in morning traffic.

Oh, are you guys going out? Because I just need a few more things for the party.

Let me get the list.

Christ in Heaven!

I thought I was gonna have to shoot myself.

Are you sticking it in that?

Bitch just took ten years off my life.

Let's get out of here before that nutjob comes back.

You're a very rude person.

GRAMMY: That's a new low even for you, Frank.

SHEILA: I'd like you to leave.

I'd nail a hooker down on Wacker before I'd... (groans)

Get out!

Save your breath; I'm leaving.

Come on, you pussy.

(horns honking)

(horns honking in distance)

The kids are something, aren't they?

Growing up.

You talk to Lip? Off-the-chart smart.

Good genes.

And Ian's a real lady killer, just like I was at that age, you remember?

He's nailing all of 'em.

Fiona-- beautiful.

Gets that from her mother.

Carl's into karate, just like I was.

And Debbie's got that Gallagher entrepreneurial spirit.

You see all those kids running around?

I think it's a school of some kind.

And how about little Liam? You know, he's actually mine.

Frank!

What?

Shut up!

This doesn't interest me.

ADAM: Now, he said 1:00.

Well, he's not very good with time.

And what'd you say he does?

He's in automotive sales.

Oh, here they are.

Hey.

Steve, this is Adam. Adam, Steve.

Hey, Estefania, Fiona, Adam.

(speaks Portuguese)

STEVE: Estefania doesn't really speak English.

ADAM: Oh, that's okay, I spent a semester in Madrid.

Hola. ¿Como estás?

Adam.

STEVE: Ah, Portuguese. From Brazil.

Oh, how exotic.

Well, aren't we all modern?

(chuckles)

Well, you look very "Master of the Universe," Adam.

How does one afford a suit like that?

Wait for Barney's to have a sale.

Actually, Adam is an investment banker.

Oh, well, it's nice to put a face to all that bailout money.

And how do you pay for your shirt?

This is full freight from the Gap.

I'm in pharmaceuticals.

ADAM: Oh, yeah? Fiona said cars.

You're married?

(speaks Portuguese)

You two are married?

Ah, sim. Duas semanas.

Two weeks. Newlyweds. That's excellent.

Wow!

Congratulations.

Excuse me, uh, I'll be right back.

Passionate.

Yeah.

(door opens)

Boys' room is next-door.

Okay, I was helping out a Brazilian friend with a small import-export business down in Sao Paulo.

You're married?

Her father was a competitor and didn't appreciate our entry into an already crowded market. You were smuggling cars?

The product isn't important.

He cut my friend's ear off...

Drugs? You were smuggling drugs?

So I chose to help his daughter into the States.

By marrying her?

Dad's very old-fashioned, okay?

She was banging one of his top lieutenants and he wanted her out of the country fast.

You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?

Wasn't so sure he was gonna stop at the ear.

Who'd you tell her I was?

Listen, it's no big thing-- all you got to do is wait until immigration...

Who does she think I am?

My cousin.

I missed you.

♪ ♪

(grunts)

You're married.

Only legally.

(grunting)

Oh, Jesus!

Hey!

Okay.

Whoa.

(panting)

(speaking Portuguese)

(continues in Portuguese)

I'm just gonna nod 'cause I have no idea what you're saying.

Huh?

Sorry. I had to call, check on the kids.

Did we get drinks?

In front of you.

Oh! Oh, my God! Sorry.

Okay. Oh, great.

What a coincidence.

I just ran into a guy I went to high school with in the bathroom.

Did we get drinks?

You gotta be kidding me.

A Cobb salad's $22.

Bye.

You leaving?

What are we talking about?

You should probably just shut the f*ck up.

Have a nice life, Fiona.

Adam... Adam!

What?

sh1t.

Steve, o que tá acontecendo?

No medication.

I'm sorry. It's complicated.

No, really it's not.

Look, I like you, but maybe we should've had some rules.

One of my unspoken rules is you don't f*ck somebody else when we're on a date.

I guess I thought that was just assumed.

♪ ♪

How's she doing?

Still praying.

I'm telling you, those Jesus puppy mills are gonna try and take Ethel and Jonah away from us.

They can't just take them, Kev.

I think we should adopt them.

I love 'em, too, but we get paid to love 'em.

We adopt 'em, we love 'em on our own dime.

What sense does that make?

They were scary, V.

All dressed in black and sh1t.

And the alpha witch was, like... Whoa.

I'm talking serious evil.

Now they have lawyers.

They can't do anything.

The State has custody.

They're not just gonna give them back to the Waco wackos.

They're not evil.

They're my family.

Hi. I'm Dr. Pitts, Mrs. Macgillicuddy.

I see you're thinking about breast augmentation.

I was thinking about the $200,000 you owe me.

I'm definitely getting my tits done.

You got out early.

Yeah.

I only did 12 years.

Isn't that swell?

Pretty woman. Your wife?

Two little girls.

Adorable.

Any of them know you used to be a meth dealer?

I don't want to keep you, Doctor.

I know you've got a waiting room full of frozen faces.

So, the 200 thou that's no longer in the deposit box, that was mine, is now where?

Okay, don't threaten me.

I'm not some naive college kid from Grand Rapids that you can intimidate.

Where's my money, Noah?

Fine. You went to prison, you got out.

But you can't just waltz in here expecting me to cough up 200 grand.

The Pitts Medical Center?

I just finished my residency. I'm in debt up to my ass!

We had a deal about what would happen if sh1t went down, and when sh1t went down, you ran.

All right, I'll pay you back, but it's gonna take some time.

That's the one thing I don't have, my friend.

Tomorrow. All of it.

No. I can't do it.

You don't want to leave it like this, Noah.

He gonna pay you?


This tastes like sh1t.

I shouldn't have gotten the praline.

What's he owe you?

What'd you get, the Captain's Swirl?

I think I got a right to know.

I'm involved now.

Here, trade with me.

What? No! What are you doing?

What's the difference? Trade with me!

I don't like praline!

Come on! No, I want mine!

Mom, I want... I...

I'm your mother!

Oh, Jesus! Take 'em both, then!

It's my truck.

It's not your truck.

It's traditional.

The driver gets a share, he's a partner.

Son... don't flatter yourself.

Usually there's some kind of dollar amount per mile.

Shut up and look for these two.

You're kidnapping his kids?!

Are you insane?!

That's federal, that's a federal...

Keep your damn voice down.

Hold on.

How much money are we talking about?

You okay?

You look kind of white.

I think I... just stood up too fast.

(sighs)

Mom?

Just give me a goddamn minute.

You want some water or something?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go get you some water.

No. No.

sh1t!

Go get this refilled.

I'm gonna sit here and do some recon.

(loud chatter of children)

Uh... What?

I... I loaned Sheila the last of the cash.

All my life, I waited for that phone call.

"Peggy, he's not your son.

There's been a mix-up at the hospital."

It never came.

(sighs)

All right, let's see.

Oh, yeah, this is healing really nicely.

Very nicely.

I just need a sec with the doc. Those look very real.

Jesus. So sorry.

Jesus, Frank.

I'm flattered you remembered my name, 'cause I didn't remember yours. So... time's up. I'm here for the money.

She gave me until tomorrow.

Well, I don't think you want to wait till then, 'cause she's about to kidnap your kids.

Go Wolverines!

Hey, hey, hey, don't you give me that look.

Try growing up with her, coming home to that every day after school. You think I'm joking?

She sent me out for chloroform and duct tape.

Seriously, Doc, I don't think you know who you're dealing with here.

(clicks tongue)

No. I know exactly who I'm dealing with.

75. That's all I've got.

I've kept that and these fake passports in here in case she ever ratted me out for a reduced sentence.

But this puts an end to it.

And if she ever comes near me or my family again, I'm going directly to the police.

You tell your mother that she better think long and hard, what we know about each other.

Okay?

You don't have to go someplace you don't want to.

I don't have a choice.

I'm a ward of the state.

Well, what happens if they send you back?

They'll find me a husband.

Clyde has a brother.

A brother?

How old is he?

Caleb's much younger.

65 maybe?

He's very nice.

They're my family, Malik.

You're not a little kid anymore.

You're 14.

You have to decide what's best for you and Jonah.

Where'd you go, Philadelphia?

I spotted the older girl.

Nanny dropped her off in a stupid f*cking Smart Car.

Piece of cake.

Mama, I went back and talked to Pitts.

You what? I'm trying to help!

If you got caught, you'd die in prison. Here.

$50,000. Take it.

And if you think it's right, you can give me a cut, but only if you think it's right.

You're amazing, Frank.

I was gonna get 200, and you were able to talk him down to 50.

Well done, fruit of my loins.

Married?

Yeah, to some teenager from Brazil.

She cute?

Very.

Who's cute?

Chicken in the bucket.

Steve's back, married to some South American teenager.

Really?

So, what did Adam do?

Took off, left me there.

Can't blame him. How's Ethel doing?

She's in shock, I think. Poor thing.

Husband murdered in prison.

Ooh. Who got murdered?

Ethel's husband, Clyde.

Hmm.

Cool.

VERONICA: Kev thinks the State might send her back to that cult, now that her sclerotic husband is dead.

Grammy still here?

Uh-uh. Left with Frank.

Somewhere in Chicago, a priest is being mugged.

FIONA: Lip, there's chicken.

Still?

What's that all about?

Karen, I think.

Will this summer ever end?

50 grand, huh?

Not bad for a day's work.

(screaming)

Jesus! Mommy!

Give me the rest of it.

(yelling)

Oh, stop your squealing, you little baby.

I barely broke the skin. Give me the rest of the money.

Oh, Jesus! Take it!

(grunts)

What is this, another ten?

Is this all?

Oh, f*ck!

I deserve something!

It's tradition! Is this all of it?

Yes. Yes!

I'm bleeding all over Kevin's truck! sh1t!

Oh, damn it to hell.

You got me going again.

Give me my prescription.

Oh, don't stab me again, okay?!

(crowd chatter)

(laughter)

(indistinct chatter)

Don't call her by name, and listen, just... you know what to do.

I'll give you your cues, you just be sort of authoritative.

What's with this thing? (laughs)

I got it. It's good.

He's doing, like, an urban version of a tuxedo.

Nice, Jody!

Right? William, what was the name of that guy?

He was saying how this much money can shock your system.

Who was that guy?

Guy inherited a little over a million, destroyed his life.

Family-- vultures.

Lost his wife, his health.

Ended up giving the money to an orphanage.

Now, William was saying you and I together could form a trust.

I think that's a very good idea, Frank.

We should just give our money to an orphanage.

No, babe, you misunderstood me.

That's not saying giving it to...

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

There's just a lot of, um, people here, so maybe I...

I think I just left something upstairs.

I...

Okay.

We'll talk about this later.

William will be here.

Nice work, Billy, jump in any time.

VERONICA: I'm telling you, you can't turn a whore into a housewife.

(laughs)

Wow, she's gorgeous.

Debs.

Wow.

Heard you were back in town, Jimmy.

Is this outra prima?

You look great.

Where'd you get that dress?

Oh, and married.

H-How's, uh, how's school?

It's summer.

Right, right, right.

She's over you.

Really, you sure about that?

Mm-hmm, absolutely.

You really did him in the bathroom?

No, I didn't.

Oh, thanks, V.

You said she did him in the bathroom.

I said she almost did.

Why'd you have to tell him anything?

She's my wife; she has to tell me.

Hey, I don't have to tell you sh1t.

(scoffs)

KAREN: Hey, you okay?

Yes.

Certainly are a lot of people down there.

You're doing great, Mom.

Yeah.

Yeah, sweetie, I know.

Now, you can't drink on your medication.

I know. You know what? I just wanted to hold this to make other people feel comfortable 'cause I don't want them to think...

Right.

So happy.

So you go, sweetie, go on.

Okay.

Everything's fine.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you.

(gasps)

Whoo!

Once more into the breech.

What, you don't get enough abuse just being Frank's son?

What? I wanted to congratulate the, uh, happy couple.

Jesus, you smell like a brewery.

It's hair of the dog.

Go home, Lip, please.

Uh, whoa, Jameson-- that's not gonna last long.

FRANK: That's, that's why I'm leaning towards hedge funds.

You're betting it'll go up and you're betting that they'll go down.

It's like if the Cubs won the World Series and the world ended all in one day.

Fill her up, Grammy?

You 21?

In four years.

Or gold, or gold.

It never goes down.

What?

What is she doing here?

FRANK: Oh, there's free food and booze.

Mom won't miss that.

I don't care, I don't want her in my house.

Get her out of here.

I can't do that.

Why?

Because she would slaughter me and feast on my flesh.

What?

What are you doing here?

Brought a Cuisinart.

(speaking Portuguese)

Yeah, no, of course, yeah.

Hi.

Hey, listen, about the bathroom...

Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Well, whatever didn't happen in the bathroom, I'm sorry.

What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

(glass clinking)

Quiet, please.

JODY: Quiet, everyone.

I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today, but baby steps.

That's right, Mom.

(Sheila sighs)

Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today.

I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up, and I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby, no matter who the father was-- except Frank.

(laughing nervously)

He hated Frank.

But it couldn't be Frank because there wasn't any penetration.

Eddie didn't like being penetrated.

He had a funny bump on the side of his pen1s that we thought was cancer, but it turned out I was just being too rough on him.

So there's been some obstacles and some pitfalls, but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way, like Lip...

(mouthing) ...and all the Gallaghers-- people I just used to only know as the ones in that house where the cops always came.

Jesus, is that bitch ever going to shut up?

SHEILA: And Frank's mother.

We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited-- and not really honored because you're a convicted felon.

But you're out now, aren't you?

Why, why did they let you out?

'Cause you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

Oh.

Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Have I offended you in my home where you're an interloper?

No one wants to hear it, you f*cking windbag.

Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Frank.

Oh, let 'em work it out.

And I don't know how an angel like that man could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Shut up, you batty bitch.

You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart, and your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

I will f*ck you up!

sh1t. Oh, sh1t!

Whoa! Whoa!

Do it, do it!

♪ ♪

FRANK: Oh, my God.

There's a woman with a gun.

She's at a party, she's shooting people.

(sirens wailing)

Yes, yes!

sh1t, Tony.

I got it.

Police.

Whoa, Officer Markovich on the scene.

Sorry about that, guys.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait!

Wait, wait!

(panting)

LIP: You okay?

How do you like my party so far?

I'm kind of digging it, you know, it's got a certain energy.

So, the little missus.

Got your Cuisinart, baby on the way.

Yep, I'm the American Dream.

You are, except, uh, Doofus is your husband and that's my baby.

So, what, do you want it on weekends?

Want to run away together, get a double-wide?

No.

I want you to get an abortion.

(knocking)

KEVIN: Hey, Ethel, you decent?

Um, uh, just a minute.

Okay, come in.

Hey. Is he sleeping?

Okay.

I just wanted to make sure you're doing all right.

I'm fine, thank you.

Look, I know you're sad and stuff, but I want you to know that you can talk to us.

All right?

We're here for you if you need us.

How was the party?

It was good.

No one got hit.

They have to replace the smoke detector.

But everybody was asking about you, though, where you were, where Baby Jonah was.

So... good night, then.

Good night.

Mr. Kevin.

Yeah.

Thank you.

For what?

For everything.

You're welcome.

(snoring)

(snoring continues)

(door opens)

Hey.

(grunts)

Hey.

What's up?

Are we going shopping for school clothes today?

(grunts)

Day care.

After?

Did I commit to that?

Yep.

Then, yes.

(sighs)

What?

Was it weird seeing Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Steve.

Jimmy.

Who's Jimmy?

Jimmy lives in Lake Forrest with his doctor father and drunk mother.

They think he goes to medical school at the University of Michigan.

Yeah, and...?

Jimmy is Steve.

KEVIN: V, they're gone!

What? Ethel and Jonah.

Well, maybe they went over to the day care early.

No, all their stuff is gone-- his clothes, her suitcase-- gone!

What?

(upbeat music plays on TV)

GRAMMY: We a little mopey this morning?

No.

You're thinking just because Carl got something, maybe you should get something?

No.

Well, maybe if you freshen up my coffee and give your Grammy a kiss, things will start looking up for you.

For me?

Yeah.

Oh, Grammy!

Thank you! Thank you!

Hey, Jimmy, it's Fiona.

I just wanted to say, go f*ck yourself!

What's all this?

DEBBIE: A new laptop.

This is so awesome!

Christmas in August?

Ethel and Jonah are gone.

FIONA: What?

Did she say anything to you, Debbie?

No.

What about Malik? What time does he show up?

In about an hour.

You sure they didn't just sleep at their grandparents or something?

Ethel packed everything. Baby's stuff, too.

Okay. She's 14 years old with an infant. How far can she get?

She doesn't have any money.

It was those evil Jesus witches!

They took 'em. I know it!

We should call the social worker, see if she can get the cops looking.

If she shows up, call us right away.

Perfect. I'm solo today, and we've got a full house for day care.

I'll help you, honey.

Can we talk about these gifts?

You think I'm trying to buy their affection?

Well, it's certainly for sale.

I just had some money from an old business arrangement, and I thought I'd spread it around a bit.

You didn't come to see me when I was in prison.

I was 11 when you went in.

I... hardly knew you.

Well, that's my fault, I guess.

500 bucks.

Figure, from what I've seen around here so far, you need it more than some digital sh1t that's gonna be obsolete before you can get it out of the box.

It's not a bribe, Fiona.

I've got some serious Grammy time to make up for around here.

Oh, my.

What?

It's from Eddie's life insurance company.

The check came?

Oh, my.

Stop saying, "Oh, my."

What does it say?

He left the money to Karen.

He changed the beneficiary.

No! sh1t! sh1t!

sh1t, sh1t, sh1t!

sh1t. Karen can't handle that kind of money, Sheils.

She's too young, too headstrong, too... too promiscuous!

What's up?

It's a good thing, Frank.

Remember what you were saying about the orphanage?

Eddie was trying to protect me.

Oh, protect you, my ass!

Oh! He did this to f*ck me!

$75,000?

We can fight this, Sheils.

We'll get lawyers.

No, Frank.

This is good.

Eddie had a hard time showing his affection to Karen.

This is his way. This is good.

I'm happy.

Well, congratulations, my boy.

You hit the jackpot. You have fallen into a f*cking field of four leaf clovers, first time up at bat.

Frank... I have put in the sweat.

I've put in the time, I've put in months of work, I have literally taken it up the ass, and you f*cking waltz in here.

Frank. What?

I think you should go.

No. Sheils. I-I was just...

I didn't mean...

Now?

I just can't believe she hasn't called us or even left us a note.

She's got to know we're sitting over here sick with worry.

Yeah, yeah, no, here. I'm still here.

Teenagers-- their hormone-soaked brains aren't wired to think about anyone other than themselves.

Right, okay. Thank you very much.

Okay, social worker's gonna file a missing persons report and call the sheriff to go out to that cult ranch to see if they're over there.

She thinks we should drive around the neighborhood.

Kev?

Ethel may not have gotten far.

Happens to a lot of kids, she says.

But I just cannot believe how selfish Ethel is being.

You think something horrible might have happened to her?

A child kidnapper or something?

"I hope you understand why I had to leave.

"I know that God will watch over you both.

I know we will see each other again some day. Ethel."

I'm getting the truck keys.

We'll start over by the park and then work our way around back to the school.

What the hell is that?

Oh, boy.

What?

Uh... Remember that pot you wanted me to get rid of?

Yeah?

What if maybe I didn't get rid of as much of it as I said I did?

You buried it?

Well, I mean...

How much didn't you get rid of?

(mutters)

Well...

But how would she sell it?

Nobody's gonna buy pot off of a white girl in a Little House on the Prairie dress.

Looking for this?

I don't think Ginger will mind that I opened her check, do you?

Seeing as how she's dead and buried out in the yard, according to Carl.

You look like sh1t.

Get some coffee, 'cause we have business to discuss.

Scamming Ginger's Social Security checks.

(chuckles)

Clever boy.

But it's over.

Meet the new Ginger.

I'm gonna be here a while, so get used to it.

I say, "Jump," you say, "How high?"

Eat me!

I say, "Eat me!" I'm done taking your sh1t! You got it?

I am a grown man.

This is my family, not yours!

You're a piss-poor excuse for a mother!

I was hoping you would die in prison!

You've made my life a living hell, and I...

I want you out of here! Now!

Good for you.

It's great to get that stuff out.

Feel better?

Now, this is what I was thinking.

I'm moving into your room, I like the light.

And I'm gonna need a flat screen up there.

Don't worry.

I'll give you the money.

Can I be honest with you?

I am not the reason that your life is a piece of crap.

You came out of me a loser.

Now run to the store. I'll make a list, okay?

Give me my purse.

(phone ringing)

(turns phone off)

It's tough, huh?

(children chatting and shouting)

My parents suck, too.

CARL: Dad?

FRANK: Hmm?

Wake up.

What?

You wet the bed.

(groans)

Find a dry spot.