05x03 - The Two Lisas

[bunniefuu]

Look, I have Frank and Monica as parents.

Even I know how to show up and turn on a f*cking TV.

What the f*ck happened to you? Here's what you missed.

Ow! Now she's biting me.

V!

No, I'm done.

No more breastfeeding. We can go to formula.

We are not doing formula.

Two lesbians offered us double the market value for the house.

Those lesbians are the man. You are not selling.

What's going on?

w*r.

We have any full a*t*matic weapons, grenades?

He's freaking out.

Think-- f*ck!

You're going to lift, with your hands, the large pieces of concrete, and put them in the bucket of the bobcat.

You think you can handle that?

Think I'll manage.

What the f*ck are you doing with him?

He hit you.

I just said that 'cause I was angry and I was shitfaced.

You got a girlfriend?

I'm around this summer if you want to--

Just don't call, 'cause... Kenyatta, you know?

You text me, if you're feeling randy.

[Chuckles] Okay.

I thought we said we weren't gonna date anymore.

Hmm, we did?

Why are you breaking up with me?

'Cause you're too young.

I give you Frank's "Milk Of The Gods"--

The strongest beer ever made!

130 proof. [Burps]

♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪

You might want to toss that minnow back into the lake, Lorenzo.

You know these ladies?

Nah, never seen 'em before.

Another raid.

Third f*cking one this month!

[Sighs]

That all come out of your rack?

Kev wants the twins to drink boob juice.

He let them drink your wife's hooker milk.

I will milk myself like a goat before I let them drink that Russian AIDS milk.

No offense.

None taken.

Looks like a hand-whore fire sale out there.

Yeah, I got f*cking busted again.

You see? This is what I'm saying.

It's the decline of civilization as we know it.

They're trying to make the neighborhood spiffy for the invading hipster hordes.

Uh-uh! You don't BYOB in my place.

I made it-- "Milk Of The Gods."

Ten times stronger than regular beer.

What did you do-- Buy some expired coors light, stir some dog sh*t in for color?

Knock yourself out.

Easy there, cowboy.

Holy sh*t, this is potent.

Strongest beer known to man.

It's also good for cleaning toilets and sinks or degreasing auto parts.

Makes a nice antibacterial for minor wounds.

You should get some for the bar.

Hell, no!

I don't need someone in a coma after only buying one beer.

I'll go bankrupt.

No, this is high-end stuff--

$45, $50 a bottle.

It's like ten beers in one.

Who can afford that in this hood?

[Groans]

[Thud]

Drag him to the sober chair.

I'm in.

Fantastic! What can I do you for?

I got a POW Veterans' conference at The Doubletree next month.

Those warriors have guts of steel.

[Chuckles]

I'll need about six cases.

Six-- six cases, you said?

Yeah.

Wow. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Two eggs sunny side up for you and the scramble for the gentleman.

Is Sean here yet?

He's off today.

He's with his kid. He's such a good dad.

Yeah. You still seeing your daughter today?

I bought her so much sh*t-- Two stuffed animals, a pile of candy, some barrettes.

She's gonna be happy just to spend time with you.

I feel like I need to bribe her into loving me more than her foster family.

Oh, hey. Huge tipper's back.

I tried to take her table, but she only wants you.

Also, she asked if you were dating anybody.

♪ someone's in love ♪

[Scoffs] Yeah.

Take a number.

Wow. This is getting to be a habit.

Pie and a coffee?

What haven't I tried?

Uh, we have a seasonal strawberry glaze that just popped up on the menu.

You want to try that?

Why not?

Great. Anything else?

How about dinner?

We don't start serving till 5:00 PM.

With you.

Oh, uh...

I'm kind of...

My last relationship ended kind of messy, so I'm not really in the market for--

You can say no now.

But I won't stop asking.

I'm quite persuasive.

You don't want your pie?

Strawberry glaze? I'll see you tomorrow.

[Sighs]

Hey, Carl.

Easy! That's my grandma's!

You got to drop it like that? How about giving half a crap?

What's up, D?

Aw, bank's foreclosing.

We've been here 13 years, man.

They shoved her wedding dress in a garbage bag.

I'm calling the cops.

Hey, look what you're doing to my kids!

[Baby crying]

It's unbelievable.

Looks like we're getting new neighbors down the block.

Adamecs got kicked to the curb.

Are those hickeys?

Holly and Ellie threw a party last night.

Those skanks are randy.

They threw a party?

Mostly older kids.

Probably didn't want anyone who looked too young.

I don't look young!

They said no virgins. You're a virgin.

You're a virgin. They let you in.

I provide a service.

Huh, what "Service"?

They make me give them oral in exchange for letting me stick around.

What's the point of being a virgin, anyways?

Nobody cares when a guy loses it, but for some reason, it's this huge deal for girls.

Ew. What is that?

Smell of success.

I'm gonna get laid at the pool today if they let me.

Ugh! I'm gonna throw my own party tonight--

An adult party.

You got any alcohol?

I'll ask Frank for some of his homemade beer.

Who you gonna invite?

Friends, older kids.

Wow. Cool.

Hey, that's my sandwich!

See ya.

Hey!

This is my-- this is my sh*t, man!

What the f*ck are you doing?

What's it look like?

It looks like you're throwing out all my sh*t.

Yeah. When's the last time you cleaned?

I found a bunch of dead roaches in that light fixture and rat turds the size of raisinettes.

I cleaned your bathroom too.

Jesus Christ, Ian.

You got a problem with your boyfriend cleaning the layer of scum from the tub that your wife washes your child in?

[Speaking Russian]

Huh?

Svetlana's been teaching me a little bit.

Great. Yeah, maybe she can get a job as a f*cking professor.

Rub-N-Tug got closed for good, so we need the dough.

Where are the girls?

Jail. How should I know?

Shouldn't you be bailing them out?

Why? Joint's closed.

What the f*ck we gonna do for money, Mickey?

I don't know-- I'd sell Svetlana's ass if she wasn't already renting out her guest room.

You mean guest womb? Hmm?

Forget it.

Babe--

I'm not moving to Indiana!

It's a good job.

Cleaning porta potties?

It's a job. We're going.

[Door opens, closes]

Looks clean.

Yeah, Mary Poppins here is on a warpath.

That shithead better not drag you off to Fucksville, USA.

There's nothing for me here.

You're not actually gonna go, are you?

Jesus Christ, he'll k*ll you, Mandy.

He doesn't do that anymore.

Until he does.

No, listen to me.

We have better options--

I got to pack.

[Door opens, closes]

We got to stop her.

Hey, you get the g*n, I'll go get the saw.

We can bury that piece of sh*t in pieces down by the river.

No, I can stop her.

Frank...

I brought you some almond milk with your medicine.

I put a little maple syrup in it so it could taste sweeter.

Piece of sh*t-- It's too slow.

Frank, look...

Look what I found.

It's this place in California where they coat you in oil, and then they whip you with palm leaves.

It's supposed to be good for your epidermis.

And then I found this other place.

It's a robot hall of horrors where you can buy dessert made by an actual frozen-yogurt robot.

And then, Frank, look at this one-- a theme park dedicated to jam!

To jam, Frank!

A theme park dedicated to jam!

Sheila, I heard you.

Listen to me. I'm a little busy right now.

I've got my first order. I can't chat.

Well, Frank, when will you have time?

I've been trying to talk to you all week, and those ladies want an answer.

What ladies?

The lesbians who put an offer on the house.

Frank! And I've got my eye on this cute little RV.

It's adorable. It's a Class-C chateau, and it has a kitchen and a dinette and a bed.

You cannot sell to the lesbians.

Why not?

They're very attractive gays with a lot of money!

Well, exactly.

When the good-looking gays start buying up our homes, the whole neighborhood is doomed.

They're this cabal of sophisticates who are cashing in on their own good taste.

Frank! I want us to see the world!

I've seen it. It's a piece of sh*t.

All right, well, maybe I just have to go by myself, then, if that's what you want.

[Footsteps departing]

Frank! Frank!

Oh, Debbie!

Is Frank around?

Look at your hair!

You look like a young Reba McEntire.

Um, I need some beer for my party tonight.

Oh. Oh, well, you know what?

There's some here in this box.

Yeah, I'm sure Frank won't mind if you take it.

Thanks.

Okay, well, have a good time.

Drink responsibly. Have fun.

[Mellow rock plays in background]

♪ ♪

"Dear diary, the lead singer from my favorite band is flirting with me again today.

My knees are weak."

You wish.

[Crunching]

What is that?

Just this... thing I'm doing for this program I'm in.

"Letting the dirty dishes pile up?

Forgetting to pay the electric bill"?

Fiona...

"Breaking parole"?

Nobody's perfect.

Is it weird that I'm attracted to you now more than ever?

[Chuckles]

You got a fetish for f*ck-ups?

I like girls with stories.

I'm reformed.

Too bad.

Jazz?

Mm-hmm.

Our bass player's-- he's kind of a genius.

Studied at the con at Roosevelt, all that sh*t.

Are you asking me on a date?

9:00 PM, I'll see you there.

And dress like you got something to lose.

One for you and you... and y-- Sorry, 17 and over.

Hey, what's shaking, cupcake?

Ew. What's that stink?

Smells like animal butt and fireplace.

That, ladies, that's the smell of a real man.

And yours for the taking too.

What's your sister doing?

She's throwing a party.

Without us?

Sucks, right?

You can get back at her by riding my joint, if you want.

Go away, muppet.

But I'm a cr*pple.

And the first time he showed me that big old gummy grin, I was like, "Oh, that's my boy!"

Turns out he was dropping some sugar in his nappy.

Yeah, the girls smile-poop at me all the time.

But I pretend it's their way of saying, "Here you go, daddy--

A gift for all your hard work."

[Door opens, closes]

Oh, hey, baby, what's up?

Hey. Hey, mama.

How much you squeeze out today?

5 ounces on my left, 1 ounce on my right.

What? That's it?

Are you sure you're doing it right?

I'm not a dairy cow.

You know you can get breast milk online now.

2 bucks an ounce, uh-huh. I saw it on Dr. Oz.

We can't afford it.

[Whispering] Hey. Rub-N-Tug got busted.

Cops shut us down for good.

What? Why didn't you call?

What could you have done?

Grease some palms, offer free drinks, do what sleazy bartenders do all over America!

[Normal voice] Hey, mom.

Huh?

How many mamas we know in the hood still feeding their babies titty milk?

Mm. Let's see, um...

Raquelle, Dolores, Aparna, Lee-Ming, and Sharquisha.

We can turn the upstairs apartment into a pumping station.

Cops can't shut that down!

We'll pay the neighborhood girls to come empty their fun bags, mark it up, and then sell it online to rich white folk!

Okay, hold on, hold on.

You want to turn upstairs into a breast-milk sweatshop?

Hey, whatever happened to childhood?

These days it's womb to woman.

What are you doing here?

Looking for you.

I got a mission for you-- muy importante.

What is it?

I need you to run the lesbians out of town.

All of them?

Nah, just the ones in our hood.

They're tearing up our soil and dropping in flower gardens and yoga studios, gastropubs and stores for dog clothes.

We got to get them out of here.

Wait. Why can't you do it?

Because!

I have a top-notch brewery to run.

I'm on my way to the scrap yard right now for supplies.

What should I do?

Scare tactics.

Terrorize the intruder.

Show 'em what the hood is really like.

How?

Ingenuity, my son.

Godspeed.

Hi, Matty!

Oh, hey.

Hey.

You want to come to my party tonight?

Older people are coming.

Like, parents or--

No!

Like, people your age. And there's beer.

Frank made it. Here.

Hey, um, I like your new hair.

Thanks, but I'd really love you to come, as a pal, and you can bring friends-- older friends.

Please?

Okay, yeah, yeah, sure.

Um... I got to get back to work.

Awesome, yeah. All right, so I'll--

I'll see you tonight.

Yes!

I know you're not helping yourself to my stuff.

Well, you're not using it.

Who's gonna buy this hunk of metal?

You are, my friend.

[Chuckles] Donate it.

It's an excellent cause-- my brewery.

$300.

I will give you a free six-pack of beer, and this is not--

I'm Muslim. I don't drink.

Ah, come on, buddy!

I'm flat broke until my insurance check comes in.

Cut me a break. What can we barter with?

What's currently missing from your life?

A woman.

Anything else?

My wife just passed-- 23 years.

Every Wednesday we used to bust out the Astroglide and saddle up.

I need to get laid.

I don't want anything long-term, though, I'm emotionally unavailable.

Okay, okay, okay, you're in luck.

I know a little blonde who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

You buy her a pork taco and a sh*t of Smirnoff, and it's go time.

Who?

My daughter.

She's a looker-- nice face, excellent tits, tight ass.

Yeah?

Debs! Lip! Come and get it!

There you go.

Yo.

Hey, you feel better?

Uh, yeah, yeah, my blisters are finally opening up, so I'm in the fun pain portion of the healing process now.

I need some help terrorizing the lesbos after dinner.

"Lesbos"?

They're moving in down the street.

Frank says they're gonna screw up the whole neighborhood.

More cops, flowers, paint their houses-- sh*t like that.

That could be a good thing-- a way for us get out of the hood without leaving.

Frank says that's a bad thing.

Why? 'Cause you and Debs could go to a school without metal detectors?

Liam could play in a park without empty cr*ck vials?

Debs! Come on! It's getting cold!

Would you help me?

Uh, yeah, sure.

You look nice. Come on, sit, eat.

Can't. Got to get ready for my party tonight.

Where are the Christmas lights?

You're having a party tonight?

Yeah.

Uh, here?

Uh-huh.

What kind of party?

Friends.

Who?

No one you know.

Debs, I'm not gonna be here tonight.

So? I don't need a chaperone.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Okay.

Hmm.

I trust you.

Doesn't sound like it.

You're old enough to make your own decisions, okay?

Just... be smart.

Hmm.

Okay, sweetheart, time for bed.

No.

Sammi!

What?

Hey.

Hi, dad.

I brought you some of my fresh-brewed beer.

Tell me what you think.

Oh, thanks. Maybe later.

That's a great outfit.

Huh.

How was work?

A g*dd*mn nightmare.

Why does everybody wait till the last minute to buy their damn sparklers?

Like they don't know the holiday's coming.

Seasonal retail is the pits.

You look exhausted.

I'm not used to having people yell at me all day long.

Chuckie, go to bed!

Come on.

[Sighs]

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Sheila hates me. Fiona ignores me.

All those jerks at the Alibi just want to bang and bolt.

Oh, they're-- they're awful.

[Crying]

You need a good man.

I do. But there's none left.

Hey. You know what?

I have this friend.

I think you two might really hit it off.

N-no. No more.

I'm telling you, this guy is different.

I need a penis break.

I'm this revolving door for chumps.

It's not good for me, and it's not good for Chuckie.

I'm telling you-- this fella could be the one.

He really knows how to treat a lady.

Then why is he single?

His wife croaked-- Poor thing.

He has his own business, a late-model Sedan, widescreen TV.

He showers regularly. [Laughs]

Come on.

Why not?

Okay...

There you go.

If you say so.

That's my girl.

Hey, thanks, daddy.

You bet.

You're the best.

I am.

What are you doing?

Hey, man.

Operation dykes-begone.

All right.

Mandy's moving to Indiana... with Kenyatta.

Uh, why?

Some shitty job.

He's gonna f*cking k*ll her. Why's she going?

'Cause she's a hood girl-- She thinks she's a piece of sh*t.

Well, did you try to talk her out of it?

She won't listen to me, says there's nothing here for her.

I don't get it-- She doesn't need that f*cking goon, man.

She's a great girl. She can get any guy she wants.

Tell her that, all right?

Yeah, I'll talk to her.

[Indistinct chatter]

Oh, welcome!

Um, come, make yourselves at home.

Beer's over there... and we also have nonalcoholic sparkling punch.

That's strong stuff. I'd pace yourself.

♪ day turns to night ♪
♪ when all is said and done ♪

Hey, Fiona.

Hi.

Didn't think you were gonna show up tonight.

You invited me.

Guys, Fiona from the diner.

Hey, cutie. You clean up good.

Yeah, I'm a real fixer-upper.

Beer.

Yes, please.

Davis.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Thought you had to work tonight.

I did. I got off early. How'd you know I was here?

Chris's Instagram.

This is my girlfriend, Gigi.

Your girlfriend?

Yeah. Uh, Fiona is Gus's friend.

She's a waitress at the diner.

I live with him.

You live together?

Yeah, why?

[Chuckles] That is so funny.

We were just talking about moving in together, weren't we, baby?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's just too bad she's allergic to cats, right?

[Laughing]

Fair play.

I should go get set up.

Can I get you some tea or anything?

I have honeysuckle rose.

No, thanks.

Mind if I head upstairs?

Oh, not at all, no.

Oh, hello, Frank.

I was just marking different spots that I will travel to when I sell this house.

You're not selling the house.

[Clang]

Frank... Frank, I am my own woman.

And while I really want you to come with me, I can choose to go by myself.

Have you seen a big cardboard box around anywhere?

Frank.

Oh, I got a new dress today!

And I got my hair done and my makeup done at Sephora!

I said to myself, "Well, if he notices just one thing, if he just notices one thing, well, maybe I would reconsider."

It was a big box, uh, filled with mason jars.

Yeah, I do know what happened to that.

I gave it to Debbie for her party.

You what?

Yeah.

But that-- but that was my only batch!

Oh. Oh, well.

I needed that.

What the hell were you thinking?

All done!

Oh, hi.

Let us know if you hear of anyone nearby struggling to make ends meet or on disability or headed for incarceration.

Oh.

We'd like to buy as many homes as we can.

Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, thank you!

Thank you so much.

That was one of the lesbians.

Okay, this is earnest money to buy this house, which means they're earnest!

It's happening, Frank, whether you like it or not.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I-- Oh, God, I can't--

I'm-- I'm sorry. I can't.

I'm-- I'm still too weak. I--

What if-- I have to stay close to my doctors... and my family.

Sammi and Chuckie need me, and Sammi is a train wreck.

And Fiona and the kids-- I'm their dad.

A home is a home, damn it.

I d*ed upstairs, and then I came back to life.

I was reborn in this house.

I'm practically the mayor of this place.

Sheils, come on, you can't take that away from me.

These few blocks, this neighborhood...

It's the only thing I've ever had.

It's the only thing that's ever meant anything to me.

I thought I was the only thing that ever meant anything to you.

And you. Of course and you. Yeah, you're my everything.

You are my dawn... and my dusk.

You're the sun. You're the moon.

Sheila. Sheila, I'm begging you.

Oh, f*ck me.

Hey.

Hey.

Listen, is your big, black boyfriend around right now?

He's playing poker with his homies.

Okay.

Got beer at my place.

♪ mm ♪
♪ what are we fighting for? ♪
♪ the same thing baby ♪
♪ walk on by, still ignoring ♪
♪ fighting and suffer, drinking, fading ♪
♪ if we don't begin the healing ♪
♪ so we all come from love ♪
♪ but there's something strange ♪
♪ got a hard time understanding ♪

[Electronic music in background]

♪ ♪

You might want to keep your shoes on over here.

[Slurring] When does the party start?

What do you mean?

Everyone here is lame.

The music sucks.

The only decent thing is your brother.

Next!

We call him "Carlilingus."

I'm going back for seconds.

[Knock at door]

Oh, God. Here!

Hi!

Hey, you.

I saved these for you.

[Chuckles] Thanks.

Guys, this is my friend Debbie.

Hi. Um, come in.

We have girls, lots and lots of girls.

[Volume increases]

[Dance music plays]

Wait, wait, wait.

You are gorgeous.

Okay?

You're sweet.

You're funny.

You're very smart.

You know that, right?

Shut up.

Hey. Hey.

I mean it, okay?

You're a good person, Mandy.

Thanks.

Hey, wait.

What?

What is this?

What is what? What is what?

This, us.

Well, we are two people... who like each other's bodies, and we're very good at sex.

Uh-huh. And what about your girlfriend?

What about her? She's in Florida.

And then?

And then I have no idea, okay?

But I'm here now.

Are you gonna visit her?

In Miami? I don't know. Who knows?

[Moans]

I love you.

[Funk music]

♪ sky high ♪
♪ yeah, clap your hands ♪
♪ sky high ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ sky high ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ sky high ♪

Uh...

Whoa.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. Oh, no, I got to--

I got to lie down.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Hello? This is my room!

Oh, sorry.

Ew.

Whoa, the room is spinning. Oof.

It's okay.

I'm feeling dizzy.

[Groans]

[Liquid trickling]

sh*t.

What the hell are you looking at?

Shouldn't you be in bed?

Hey, hand me one of those, will you?

Thanks for the help.

Listen, Mandy, you don't need that fucker, okay?

Thanks.

You think it'd be okay if I come by tomorrow morning, and... you know, maybe we can get some breakfast or something?

Sure.

Great.

Okay.

That was a good set. You are the man.

Thanks.

Nice to meet you, Fiona.

You too, Gigi.

You guys have a, uh, good night, huh?

Oh, we will.

What a d*ck. A live-in girlfriend?

Yeah, a couple years.

You know this is, like, the second time this month that I've gotten blown off by a dude?

It's not you-- I mean, he does this all the time.

Oh, that's supposed to make me feel better?

Where does he get off, treating women like that?

Ah, he's just insecure, I guess.

Oh, so f*cking what? "Gus's friend."

Give me a break.

I'm sorry for, like, grabbing you like that.

I did not mind at all.

It was nice.

Yeah.

Hey, uh... you want to grab a coffee?

I got to get home.

Oh, jeez.

I feel so used.

[Laughs]

Okay, well...

What about tomorrow?

Yeah, sure.

There's a spot right around the corner from my place.

How's 11:00?

Sounds great.

Cool.

Later.

Later.

[Train squeals]

[Groans]

What the f*ck you doing out here?

Jesus, f*ck, you scared me.

She left. About an hour ago.

sh*t, I... I tried.

Yeah, I'm sure you did.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What do you think you're doing?

This sign wasn't here last night.

Hey!

[Sighs]

They're closed?

Oh, yeah, by order of the Health Department, apparently.

How do you make unhealthy coffee?

Maybe it was the scones.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, I've got some sh*t in my fridge, like, frozen gumbo, toaster waffles, eggs.

I'll make you coffee so strong, it'll walk right into the cup.

I don't have any scones, though.

Forget it, then.

Come on.

[Knock at door]

Hi, there. I'm Lisa.

My wife, Lisa, and I just moved into the house down the street.

Adamecs had three kids. Bank threw them out.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Listen, was your car towed this morning?

We don't have a car, so, no.

Our Range Rover was.

All the parking signs on the south side of the street were moved to the north side, and there are heroin needles in the alley and serial r*pist flyers.

It's like the neighborhood went to sh*t overnight.

You know anything about it?

No, sorry.

Hmm. FYI...

[Whispering dramatically] We don't scare easily.

I am a woman!

This gumbo is f*cking delicious.

Yeah, my dad-- he's from New Orleans.

I picked a vat up on my last visit.

Is he a musician too?

Both my parents, actually. My dad's a violinist.

My mom plays pretty much everything.

What is this?

That's a guzheng.

Yeah, my mom-- she brought one back on her last tour from China.

[Twangy note plays]

[Chuckles]

Can you play this?

Yeah.

Jesus. Are you, like, a prodigy or something?

Well, I just, you know, pick things up here and there.

I forgot to ask you what you thought of the set last night.

Jazz isn't really my thing.

But, you know, one of them sounded kind of familiar?

Oh, right, that's Miles Davis-- it gets a lot of elevator play.

What kind of stuff you listen to?

Nothing.

Nothing?

I don't have time to listen to music.

[Scoffs] That's tragic.

Is it?

Yeah, I would die without music in my life.

All right.

So play me something worth dying over.

Wha--

Come on.

No.

I won't even watch you.

I'll just stare into my gumbo. Come on.

All right.

[Chuckles]

[Playing soft music]

♪ ♪
♪ keeping you close, falling behind ♪
♪ I lost my voice, you lost your mind ♪
♪ you say you're not well, I say you're fine ♪
♪ you're walking with me through the aisles of a drugstore ♪
♪ and if you return ♪
♪ to me ♪
♪ oh, if you return ♪
♪ to me ♪
♪ your mother's a fake, a phantom who steals ♪
♪ the smile on your face is not what you feel ♪
♪ I'll check you in if you check me out ♪
♪ some lonesome wrist cutter who says I'm her brother ♪
♪ oh, if-- ♪

[Whispering] Holy sh*t.

[Chuckles]

I love that you're an early-bird-special kind of guy.

Love a man who can spot a good deal.

[Chuckles]

So how do you know Frank?

We're working on a business arrangement together.

You're a businessman?

More of a tradesman, actually.

Wow. Looks and smarts?

Did I get lucky tonight or what?

[Clears throat]

And I like your jacket.

It's very classy.

Ah!

[Backup beeping]

Hey! It ain't quitting time yet, College!

Look, uh, do we get paid for the holiday on Monday?

What?

You know, it's the fourth?

Of July?

It's, you know, America's birthday.

It's the birth of democracy.

Yeah, I know what the fourth of July is, smart-ass.

No. None of the holidays--

Not the tree one, the president one, the w*r one, and definitely not the one for the blacks.

This ain't the post office.

Yeah. No.

I-I think I tweaked my back.

You're not gunning for workman's comp, are you, kid?

No, I just--

Good. 'Cause the "comp" stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job.

So man up, or you're gonna be on permanent unpaid holiday.

Great.

Jeez.

[Cell phone chimes]

Hi.

Hey.

Um...

What's wrong?

Last night, did we, um--

I know. It was wonderful.

So that did happen?

Yeah...

You don't remember?

I was-- I was plastered.

But you had a...

Your thing--

No, Debbie, that's... biology.

That's not consent. [Sighs]

I thought it meant you wanted to.

Did I say I wanted to?

Not exactly.

Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay?

You date-r*ped me.

We were on a date?

No, Debbie, you statutory-r*ped yourself.

I could go to jail.

I don't understand.

Friends don't r*pe friends.

I-I didn't mean to r*pe you.

I'm sorry.

[Clears throat] Don't-- don't call me, okay?

Whoa! No IV dr*gs. Pump it pure.

Yo, you said you'd be home by 4:00.

Word got out that we're paying cash.

Bunch of new nursing moms just showed up.

Hey, Radha! I'm not paying you to snooze.

So wait. You got a problem with Svetlana breast-feeding the girls, but selling this tainted-ass titty milk from this crew's okay?

We're gonna be struggling just to make ends meet with the Rub-N-Tug closed.

You missed The Wiggles.

Kev.

They love The Wiggles. V, they need their mother.

Why don't you just relax and let me do my job?

Because I see you feeding everybody else's babies, except your own, and it pisses me off!

Hey, Debs, you okay?

Matty accused me of raping him.

Of what?

I know!

We made love last night--

No, wait, wait, wait.

You lost your virginity?

Does it count if it's r*pe?

You did the raping, right?

Well, he was drunk, but his thing wasn't.

How do you r*pe a dude?

He was sort of paralyzed by Frank's beer or something.

I thought he would like it. I thought all guys did!

We-- we do.

Well, Matty didn't.

Okay, listen, Debs, I think this is one seriously weird dude, okay?

I think you're better off without him, yeah?

I'm not!

Listen, Debs, a million guys would k*ll to be r*ped by you.

Oh, would you shut up already?

[Vehicle horn honking]

Frank!

I'm test-driving our new home!

Ernie talked me into the big one!

Ernie?

Yeah, Ernie, my RV dealer.

Hi.

Isn't it gorgeous?

And in the master bedroom, there's a pop-out, and it just doubles the whole size.

You bought this?

Well... not yet, but Ernie let me take it for a test-drive, and he said he'd bring it on back tonight if I buy it.

Sheila, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I was unconscious when you married me.

Well, I mean...

All right.

Kind of, but...

Wait, wait, listen--

I mean, I knew you--

Wait, listen to me.

I want...

I want to renew our vows.

Oh...

I want this to be a choice.

I want to do it right.

Really?

Oh, my God...

My heart is literally bursting. I haven't felt this way ever.

I didn't feel it with Monica, not with Sammi's mom.

You have such a deep soul, and you care so much.

You care about humanity, and I can't leave here.

I can't leave my home.

Don't squash my dream of us building a future together.

I can't take it, especially now. I'm too weak.

Frank... What about my dreams of seeing the world, in this-- this?

We can take a vacation anytime you want.

And then... we'll come back to the little nest that we've built for ourselves.

Oh, my God. I love you, Sheila Jackson--

I mean Sheila Gallagher.

Aw.

Oh, Frank.

[Door closes]

Debs, are you smoking?

I'm just holding it.

Why?

I'm experimenting with things adults do.

I don't like it very much.

You need to talk?

I want to tell you something, but I don't really want to talk about it because I'm not sure how I feel about it.

And I don't want to be told how to feel.

Okay.

So I'm gonna tell you, and... that's it.

Okay?

Okay.

I had sex last night...

My first time.

Just... tell me... you were careful.

[Sighs]

Homemade beer okay?

Oh, I'm fine with water. Thank you.

[Chuckles]

Oh, okay.

[Gasps] Hoo!

That is strong.

Look at those socks...

Oh.

Man with taste.

[Chuckles]

[Clears throat]

Oh, oh, um, listen, look, I-I really like you.

You're a true gentleman, and I don't meet many of those, which is... why I want to take things slow.

Huh?

I don't want to make the same mistakes that I have with the last 30 or 40 guys I've been with.

By "Take it slow," you mean we can get at it after I finish my water?

[Chuckles] Oh.

No, no, I mean, you know... go out on a few dates, get to know each other better.

But Frank promised you would bone me as soon as we got back to your trailer.

What?

Come on, you beautiful hunk of junk.

Jeez, it's hot down here, Frank.

I tripled the gas, to make things go a little faster.

Wow.

Frank, I've decided when Ernie comes with the RV to tell him to turn it around and take it back home.

You're keeping the house?

I want to be with you... and reaffirm our commitment to our partnership Oh, you--

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Maybe later.

Hey!

You dangled me like a sex carrot to get brewery equipment?

You were lonely. I was k*lling two birds with one stone.

Well, I--

I don't like your tone.

He promised that man that I would put out on the first date.

I've seen you put out after the first drink.

You son of a bitch!

[Shouting]

Hey, hey, hey!

Disgusting!

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!

She-- Oh, excuse us.

[Sniffs, exhales deeply]

Get the f*ck back here, you f*cking assh*le!

You are not getting away from this sh*t!

I'm so-- God damn you! f*ck you!

Get off him!

f*ck you!

Get off him!

Get off of me, you c**t!

Ow!

Jesus!

Did you hear what she called me?

All right, Sheila--

Frank, that is not right.

No, she should not be talking to your wife like that.

I hope you die...

Seriously, Frank--

...in a bottle of diarrhea!

That is an unacceptable--

I am your flesh and blood--

Do something, Frank!

She is nobody!

All right, can the both of you...

I am your flesh and blood!

Just shut the f*ck up?

Can we not have one moment of peace?

Christ!

I've got a raging lunatic succubus of a daughter, on one hand, and a lumpy, smothering pervert of a wife, on the other!

And you are both driving me f*cking insane!

Daddy!

Don't you "Daddy" me!

You are needy. You are slutty.

Your son is a lump of pure misery.

And you have disgusting personal hygiene.

And you.

What?

You are a certified whack job!

What?

You couldn't go out of your house for two years.

You take great pleasure in shoving fake penises up the butts of the men you love.

You banged the husband of your only daughter.

You adopted a bunch of Indian kids, and who the f*ck knows why?

And I cannot stand your unreasonably complicated cooking!

[Crying]

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Can't a man get one f*cking minute of peace?

Just one minute?

Holy sh*t!

Must've been the extra propane.

Where's Hanzi?

That's a nice sock.

Chuckie!

Mommy!

Holy mama...

Sheils?

She--

Sheila?

Sheils, hey.

Unlock the door.

[Engine turning over]

Sheila, hey. Let's go to the Grand Canyon, huh?

Want to go to the Grand--

[Rock music]

♪ I got paid ♪

Sheila?

♪ in a heartbeat ♪
♪ mama said, mama said ♪
♪ you got a one-track mind ♪
♪ but you ain't gonna get it all the time ♪
♪ she wasn't lyin' ♪
♪ I went from San Berdoo to Kalamazoo ♪
♪ just to get away from you ♪

At least we won't have to pay for the demo.

Score.

♪ my last dime got used up ♪
♪ on gasoline ♪