01x03 - Series 1, Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Music: "My Number" by "Foals"

(door alert pings)

Hi. Excuse me, the trainers in the window, do you do them for girls?

OK, one question, and I think you're the person to answer it.

Why is it called a shoehorn?

Cos it's not like you can blow it or get a note out of it.

(blows)

See? Nothing.

You're not doing it right.

Oh, OK. So...

Don't ask. It's a secret.

Only people in the footwear industry know how to make it sound.

Right. Airblades. Red.

You didn't tell me your size so I guessed a six.

Bang on. That's amazing.

It's a special skill.

The Fantastic Four must be sh1tting themselves.

Do I need any cleaner?

No, you should be fine.

Insoles? Or a little brush?

No.

And you won't tell me how to... ?

(blows)

Told you. Secret.

Can't blame me for trying.

Well, thanks for your help.

You're welcome. Enjoy your shoes.

Music: "Over And Over" by "Hot Chip"

(door alert pings)

Hi, I came in yesterday?

I remember. What's the problem?

The colour. This red is just too clowny.

Clowny?

Yeah.

Too Ronald McDonald.

Do you do them in green?

(door alert pings)

Can I change these for a low top?

What's wrong with the high top?

Did you see Miley Cyrus at the weekend?

She was wearing them and I can't be wearing anything Miley Cyrus is wearing.

(door alert pings)

Let me guess, you need me to tie the laces for you?

Oh, I'd love that, but... no.

So, what's the problem?

They squeak.

(door alert pings)

Haunted?!

I didn't say that!

You did! You said, "Haunted."

No, I just said I felt a... a presence when I put 'em on.

DOOR ALERT PINGS They don't fit.

Six pairs of shoes, all the same size. Now you tell me?

Well, it's not the shoes, it's my feet.

Your feet have changed size?

You know, feet can change.

Violet, I really have to get on.

I'm up for promotion and I've got to focus.

If you'd stop thinking this was a genuine retail transaction and realise it's simply a tragic excuse to get a date with you, things would be so much easier!

Oh, well, it's out in the open now.

Come on, I'll buy you lunch and try and kiss you. www Banana.

I wasn't sure what you'd like, so I got prawn and avocado, then I panicked you're a vegan.

Do I look like a vegan?

You do have very sad eyes.

Anyhow, I got a roasted vegetable one as well.

I can't be back late.

You've just sat down!

Yes, well, I'm giving you boundaries.

(giggles)

How could you not know? I mean, six trips to the shop!

Six! Who does that?!

Well, first four times I assumed you were a bit simple, then I thought it was a wind-up, then I figured you were a stalker.

Some people don't get it. I mean, like, it is just a shoe shop, but it's a bigger picture, isn't it?

If I get this promotion, then in a year, I can move up.

And sideways. Do my own thing.

You know, it's just the bottom rung of the ladder, really...

Hi!

Hi.

I'm doing a darks. You got anything?

No, I'm not stopping.

Are you OK?

Knackered.

We've got new stock in and it's been mental.

Are you seeing someone?

Mum!

You are!

I knew it! I knew it!

Who is she? When can I meet her?

Hey, invite her round for dinner.

No.

All right, we'll go out for dinner.

God, I can remember my first girlfriend.

I couldn't speak, I was so obsessed.

Just flapped my mouth up and down like a bloody trout whenever I saw her.

Yeah, well, I'm not like you.

I'm not going to do anything like you.

I'm late.

(door slams)

Music: "Angels" by "The XX"

I like this place. This is nice.

Yeah, in low light, after a couple of bottles of wine.

Our landlord is such a dodgy bastard.

Mm, all landlords are bastards.

My ex-boyfriend was one.

He looked better with the lights off, too.

So you've dated boys?

Well, my mum's gay, so flirting with heterosexuality was pretty much the most outrageous thing you could do in my household.

God, that's weird.

Yeah.

Now it would be like the coolest thing in the world, but when you're 11, 12, it's not so cool.

Kids weren't down with the whole q*eer thing, you know?

And she went for it, my mum. She had so many girlfriends.

Even the school bullies couldn't keep up with her.

I had to correct them on the latest names.

Like mother, like daughter, then?

No, not at all.

I mean, I've slept with girls, but...

You're my...

... first... girlfriend.

Well...

..I'd better try and be the best girlfriend in the world, then.

Six brothers and sisters?!

That must have been a nightmare.

And three half-brothers.

You didn't mention those!

And a half-sister.

Two half-sisters. And my foster parents, my birth parents, and aunts and uncles and stuff. But that gets complicated.

These are great.

Don't look at the ingredients, you'll get a fright.

I wish I had siblings.

But no, just me and Mum.

You can borrow one of my dad's if you like.

And a brother or two. I've got spares.

This is delicious.

You need bog roll.

Nice to get all that attention, though.

You're joking?! Her girlfriends got that.

Do you like peaches?

No.

Me neither.

Can I meet her?

Nope.

I'll put on my poshest voice and everything.

She's not like that.

OK.

Cheesecake or crumble?

You need bog roll.

Ice cream!

We could get two types of ice cream.

Bog roll!

I love you.

No-one's ever said that to me before.

Really?

Then we should celebrate.

And thank God I'm in charge, cos I know just the thing.

Fruit curling.

What's the most disgusting place you ever clean?

Oh, God! Too many to mention.

We get lots of m*rder scenes.

No way!

There was this one in Ancoats...

Here we go.

Brains all over the place.

Bits of stringy stuff on the wall, which turned out to be lung.

Weird, eh?

I mean, how on earth can you get lungs on a wall?

Gross!

I've thought about k*lling someone.

Now you tell me!

Committing the perfect m*rder, I've cracked it.

You get a tray, a metal tray, something thin, and you wee on it.

Right...

Then you put it in the freezer.

On the day of the m*rder, take out the tray of frozen piss, smash it into bits, then s*ab your victim through the heart with one.

Wee melts, no evidence. Perfect.

Wouldn't water be easier?

Same effect, less messy.

I hadn't thought of that.

LAUGHING Anyway, on that note, excuse me.

She's lovely. I'm glad to finally meet her.

What do you mean, "finally"?

Don't start, now, love...

I'm not starting.

I might move in here, with her. She's asked me.

That's lovely.

You don't think you're rushing it?

Did you seriously just say that?

Look, Sian, I just want you...

Unbelievable!

Coming from the woman who had a new girlfriend every year?!

That's not true!

What about Clare?

You loved Clare.

Before her, it was constant! "Sian, here's your new mum.

"Mummy Julia, Mummy Anna, Mummy Sophie... "

I was just trying to be nice. Open.

And I was a kid.

A kid. All I wanted was someone who was just focused on me, just loved me. Finally I've got that, so be happy.

I am! Of course I am.

I was just telling Mum...

I'm moving in.

Oh, my God!

I love you.

One small step for man, one giant step for a commitment-phobic woman.

What are you doing? Is it feng shui?

Do the mugs have to face east to bring us wealth and happiness?

This is just the start, I'm going to tackle the cutlery drawer next.

I thought I'd get a few mates round for dinner later.

Show you off?

Cool.

Oh, um, I'm furious with you, by the way.

You didn't carry me over the threshold.

I've got a bad back.

Oh, well, if you're faulty, I'll have to exchange you.

Nope, you're stuck with me now.

Ah, you forget.

I'm in retail. I know my rights!

Dean: Violet!

Oh, f*ck. This is about to be Dean.

This is Dean.

Can I borrow some lube?

We've gone dry next door.

Please tell me you have lube?!

Dean, this is my girlfriend, Sian.

Lube?

Wow, things have really moved on since a cup of sugar.

Violet!

OK.

Music: "Tether" by "Chvrches"

(music drowns speech)

I love you!

I love you too, but come and sit by me.

This track makes my balls sing. Come on! Dance!

(she laughs)

♪ Trade our places ♪
♪ Take no chances ♪
♪ Bind me till my lips are silent ♪
♪ Stay where you are ♪
♪ Ever after ♪
♪ Chasing things that we should... ♪

Oh, God.

There's sand in my head.

I can't feel my ears.

This is your fault.

Seriously, they're numb.

Help me.

I need butter.

Help me.

Toast and butter.

Do you know what I think it's time for?

What?

Fruit curling!

Galia. Good choice.

Yep. Too much bias on the honeydew.

Pick your mark.

Him.

Excellent.

(they laugh)

Music: "Rebounder" by "Public Access TV"

All right?

(music continues inside)

Music: "You And I (Yeasayer Remix)" by "Crystal Fighters"

Man: ... and breathing out.

You all right?

This is a great tune. This is a f*cking great tune.

I'm an amazing musician, you know. Inside.

I... I... I don't play anything, but I just... feel it, you know? Here.

I know, when I'm ready, I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna pick up a guitar or some drums, you know, and I'm gonna do it. You know? Like it's destiny.

Right.

So, what do you do?

Um, I sell shoes.

(phone rings)

(she sighs)

'Sian, you're late.

Head Office said they need the paperwork for your interview. Today.'

Oh, God...

sh*t.

sh*t!

Um...

Have you seen my iPad?

No.

It's not where I left it.

I've not touched it, baby.

It was on the side. Were Dean's mates in here last night?

I don't think so.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

Why is it so difficult for people to respect my things?

Sweetie, it's cool.

No, it's not cool!

This is a massive week for me at work.

All right, I'll get up and look for it.

Someone will have moved it.

Or nicked it.

They wouldn't have done that.

Really?

They wouldn't have done that.

You were all so off your tits you don't know what happened.

Fine. Well, if one of us drug addicts has nicked it, I'll get you another one.

I don't f*cking want another one! This one's got all my stuff on it.

I need it for my interview. Oh, do you know what? Don't worry, you don't understand.

Of course I do.

No, you don't!

I do have a job, Sian!

Yes, well, I have a career.

(door opens)

How did it go?

Good.

Really good.

Apparently, I'm exactly what the company's looking for.

You know... married, with a family...

Sian?

Best of luck!

Hiya! Hey, are you OK?

Dean...

..is that my iPad.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

My iPad, with my private stuff on it, in the flat that I live in with my girlfriend.

I'll leave you guys to it.

Unbelievable.

So, how was it?

Unbelievable.

Just a total lack of respect.

How many times do I have to say it?

He never listens.

D'you want a drink, sweetie?

Disgusting.

It's disgusting in here.

Aren't you going to ask me how it went?

I just did.

No, you didn't.

I just did, but you were too busy obsessing over your iPad.

Well, Violet, thanks for asking, it went pretty badly.

"Why, Sian?"

Oh, because I haven't slept in weeks, because I live in chaos with a bunch of people who keep nicking my things and stay up all night, dancing.

You had a good time. I saw you. You were having a good time.

You should have stopped me!

What?

I'm responsible for you?

Suddenly I'm the fun police?

Nah... rules and regulations are your sh*t.

I've not lived with someone before.

I can't handle it, OK? I can't get battered every night.

Then don't.

So, why do you? Why? What's the point?

Because I'm young! Because I want to!

Because I grew up in a foster home that was so chaotic and mental and shitty, so now I want some joy in my life!

Seriously?

That's your answer?

No "I'm sorry"?

No "I'll change"?

ME change? f*cking unreal!

You're the one that needs to change. All that anger, that bitterness...

You're not listening!

I'm always listening to you, to what a sh*t day you've had, to what a sh*t life you've had.

Poor you, Sian(!)

Poor you with your understanding mother and bohemian childhood.

Don't you dare!

Get your things, Sian.

After all, that's what you love best, isn't it?

Your things?

(alarm beeps)

Sian's mum: Tea at 6.30 tonight, love?

Yeah.

See you later.

(door closes)

(acoustic guitar music)

♪ Save some time ♪
♪ save it for me... ♪

Congratulations, boss.

♪ It's gonna get b*rned ♪
♪ For guess what? ♪
♪ You'll always be ♪
♪ Sweet... ♪

Sian's mum: Hi, love. How did it go?

I got it.

Bloody hell! Well, that's great news!

No?

Come on, Sian. Come and sit down and talk to me.

Have you heard from Violet?

No.

It don't matter.

Course it does.

No, it's fine. I'll just do what you did.

Find another one.

Sian...

And then another.

Just think, I could have my very own Sophie and Anna and Sam and Tina...

Stop it.

What a thing to teach a kid!

How women rip each other's hearts out in the name of love.

What a lesson!

That's what this is about?

You want an apology.

Yes!

Yes, I do!

For what?

Tell me.

For falling in love?

For it not working out?

For me picking myself up and trying again?

Yes. For all of it!

Listen, you f*cking idiot...

Yes, you are a f*cking idiot.

Let me spell it out for you.

If you got bullied at school for having a gay mum, it's not my fault I'm a gay mum, it's their fault for being pricks.

The problem isn't that I'm gay or that you're gay, Sian.

It's that you've got a massive, great, big stick up your arse.

I love you, darling.

Grow up.

(rumbling)

Music: "Look At Where We Are" by "Hot Chip"

♪ Look at where we are ♪
♪ Remember where we started out ♪
♪ Never gonna be without each other's love again ♪