What's wrong with you? You haven't said two peeps since we left Waterton Park.
I don't have anything to say.
You loved it last time we went.
I was 8!
Did I ever tell you about the time I got into it good with a merchant marine?
No...
See, I got tired of the way he was looking at me, so I b*at the holy hell out of him.
You know, as his blood dried on my knuckles, I think I understood that man.
Powerful imagery, Dad. Why are you telling me this?
Because that merchant marine was my father.
You b*at up Grandpa?
Our knuckles did dance, and from that day forward, there was a bond between us. Do you understand me?
Almost never.
You ever feel like that?
You ever feel like taking a pop at me?
What?
Pounding it out with your dad can really clear the air.
Ian! Ian McKay! Ian! Ian! The Clash!
What?
They're coming - here!
Make sense or go home, Shinky.
The Clash is coming to Calgary.
Why would they come here?
It doesn't matter!
Ho ho! The Clash is coming!
(giggling and whooping)
I really don't understand that kid.
Woo-hoo!
Best day of my life!
(theme music playing)
Before I was dating your father,
I dressed up as Catwoman and I went into a Denny's and gave my phone number to a stranger from Salt Lake City!
Mom!
It's not like I took his call or anything!
Oh, I can't even believe I told you that.
I think it's because we're buzzed.
We k*lled that bottle of wine!
We m*rder*d it.
We gunned it down!
We took it down to the river, held its head under water until it stopped kicking.
Oh, you know what? This is really not horrible.
Oh, hey, hun! How was your boy's day?
Terrible. That kid is more excited about some prank rock concert than some legitimate piece of Western Canadian lore.
(Helen): Aw...
I'm going to bed.
It's 6 o'clock.
I'm going to go to bed.
Ooh, your father and brother get along like oil and shampoo.
Thank heavens we're not like that. We can talk about anything!
Well... I mean, there are a few opinions that are better left unsaid.
Hmm?
I don't want to get into it.
Belinda.
I am tougher than you think. sh**t.
OK. I guess you can be a tad obsessive.
Obsessive. Hmm...
Should we cr*ck another bottle?
I don't think so.
Oh... Did I k*ll the mood?
Well, you followed it home, slaughtered it, cut it up into little pieces and put it in the mail.
(laughing stiffly) Obsessive...
Obsessive.
(Shinky groaning) I've never been up this early before. I've been up this late before, but never this early.
Yeah, but think about it.
We're going to be first in line at Ticketmaster when it opens at 10:00. I still can't believe The Clash is coming!
Is it "The Clash is coming" or "The Clash are coming"? You know, grammatically speaking.
No, "The Clash is coming." Uh... wait The Clash are...
Where are you going?
Out.
No, no, no, I have a little job for you. A good friend of mine, Pork Chop, is between homes right now, so I've stashed him into an empty unit.
What happened to his place?
The short answer is he drove it into a lake.
So I need you to move him before Mr. Gabaldi shows that place.
No, no, no. We are getting Clash tickets. Do you have any idea what that means?
No, I don't, but I do know you're going to do this.
Unless you want to do something to me of a physical nature.
Come on, have a little fight with your daddy.
There's got to be enough metal parts in here for, like, 10 motorcycles!
Screw this, Shink. What would The Clash do in this situation?
Write a song about it.
No, they'd go out there and get those tickets.
For their own concert?
Let's just go.
Thanks for the help. You may want to put those on.
There's a pretty good chance there's a live snake in here somewhere.
His name is Confucius but he doesn't come when he's called.
(hissing)
Those pants are moving. (hissing)
♪ Doo doo doo doo. Good morning!
Good morning! You know, I was awake half the night going over and over that fun game we were playing.
Hope that's not too obsessive.
Well, that's kind of the definition of it.
Well, you know, I thought of one.
You want to hear it?
Sure! Fire away.
You have terrible penmanship.
Illegible.
Was that it?
Well...
No, there's more where that came from. I've got hundreds.
Oh, OK, give me another one.
It's a game. You do one.
OK. Your real laugh is starting to sound just like your fake laugh.
That's hilarious. Ha ha ha!
Was that supposed to be real?
This is exactly what I was afraid of.
We'll be lucky to get seats in the parking lot!
No, relax. Look, I figured this might happen, so I set up a failsafe. I've got a guy at every ticket outlet across town.
McFarber camped out here overnight.
Good thinking, pal.
Hey, wait, isn't that McFarber right there?
Oh, hey guys!
McFarb... I thought you were camping out!
I did. I found a great little nook by the bookstore.
Woke up about, uh, 9 minutes ago.
But don't worry, Beauregard's getting tickets at Chinook.
Some confusion... Beauregard's right there.
Hey, guys!
You idiot! You're supposed to be at Chinook!
Shinky's at Chinook.
I'm Shinky!
This is a nightmare!
We got 90th row!
Does the Corral even have a 90th row?
Holy crap, they're selling out!
I'm going to crowd surf to the front!
(yelling and clamouring)
Whoa! No, no, no! I didn't think this through!
I didn't... Ahh!
Oh, no! No, no, no! I didn't think this out!
Oh, that son of yours. All I ask him to do was help out a friend, and oh, the stink-eye, you could see it from outer space.
You two just need to communicate.
Like Belinda and I.
Speaking of Belinda, don't you hate the way she leaves traces of peanut butter in the jam?
I don't know about that, I just don't know how she burns so many knives. What is she cutting that's so hot?
Good one... thanks, hun!
I didn't get the Clash tickets thanks to you, Dad!
Oh, you're blaming me just because it's my fault?
Yeah, I am!
Well, you know how we can move past this.
Maybe have a little dust-up. Why don't you take a few swings at your old man?
Lloyd! I said you need to communicate.
This is how men communicate, alright?
It's not happening, Dad!
Come on, let's have a little fight!
Just talking about fighting with you makes me feel closer to you.
Enough! Ian, maybe I can help you get tickets.
Really? How? They're all sold out!
As the head of the Woolco wig department, your mom moves in some pretty powerful circles.
That, I did not know.
Trust me.
I will be back in one hour.
You're just delaying the inevitable, son.
I'm ready for an ass-whoopin'... mine!
Come on!
Hit your old man with some cheese. It'll feel good!
Strike me with some cheese!
Coward!
(Barbra by the Modernettes playing)
Ian...
I know you think I'm a fuddy-duddy, but you might be surprised what the head of the wig department can lay her hands on.
Mostly wigs, I'm guessing...
Is second row too close?
(gasping)
No way!
Wow, Mom! Thank you!
Just the image of you singing and bopping along to your favourite songs is all the thanks I need.
Oh, yes!
These are Poco tickets.
That's not The Clash?
No! They're a completely different band!
Well, maybe they're friends with The Clash.
... Sorry.
Poco tickets!
How are there so many Clash fans in Calgary?
The system is rigged so that real Clash fans don't get to go to the concert!
A Clash concert shouldn't even have tickets!
You should have to pass some kind of test or something.
Yeah, like fighting a cop, or rolling around in... glass!
Yeah, you should be willing to bleed!
You're listening to the Rock and Roll Rooster on CKXL.
Coming up, I'm giving away two tickets to The Clash to our 97th caller.
Damn it! We're the 17th caller.
Damn it! We're the 36th caller.
No!... Damn it, we're the 63rd caller!
No, that's OK. Based on my calculations, factoring in time, probability, repetition, and math...
Yeah, but didn't you get straight Ds in math class?
Yes... but that stuff had no practical value. This?
This is street math, my friend, and you should call...
... now!
(ringing)
It's ringing!
Congratulations! You're our 97th caller! Are you ready to go see The Clash?
Yes!
Yes!
Then all you've got to do is pick a number between 1 and 113, and if it's the one I'm thinking of, then those tickets are yours!
That wasn't part of the deal, Rooster!
Whoa, whoa, the Rooster makes the rules around here Buck-O!
I can't listen to this anymore! Give me the phone.
I went out with him.
... Kurt, it's me.
- Belinda?
My little brother really wants those tickets, so can you please give them to him?
Anything for you, if you attest to your old flame's sexual prowess for all my listeners.
Please! It's The Clash!
(whispering) Fine, you owe me!
Well, if I remember correctly,
you were on top of the water tower...
Oh, Belinda, tell me more.
I was on top of you...
For crying out loud!
They may call you Rooster, but - that night, you were a tiger.
Ooh, steamy!
The Rooster is a bird of his word, so I am going to give you those tickets!
You're going to be seeing one of the greatest British bands...
This is the father, you degenerate. Are you running a radio station or a cat house?
(Rooster hanging up)
What are you doing? Those tickets were ours!
Call them back!
No one's calling anybody back!
Oh, Belinda, I thought of one!
When it comes to men, you don't know the difference between good attention and bad attention. That's all!
And you, you oughta give your head a shake! Pimping out your sister for some silly prank rock concert!
It's "punk rock" old man, and you wouldn't know anything about it!
Oh, I wouldn't? Maybe you could teach me all about it with your fists?
(scoffing) Alright, Lloyd, do you wanna do this?
Let's do it. Let's step outside.
Really?
Let's go!
OK! I mean, the weird thing about fighting a guy, Ian, you've got to learn...
Uh huh? Sure.
... it feels kinda weird, and then it starts to feel normal.
(Lloyd knocking)
Let's go listen to records.
Did I hear the door lock? Ian!
You forgot to fight your dad!
I'm actually getting kind of mad now!
♪
Gush! Come at him again, like, Ga-dush!
He comes at me, right? Grabs me here!
Then I break out, and I hit him with my sack! Dush!
Wait, you're going to swing your sack at a guy?
My mail sack... because I'm a mail man in the future because I didn't see The Clash when I was 19. This is my point!
Yeah, well, at least your future doesn't include a crazy person who lives at your house and who wants you to fight him so you can be closer!
Have you thought about taking a swing at him? Just once?
I can't fight my dad. Life has already beaten him senseless.
You can fight your dad, all you need is a winning strategy, and I got one. You go like this, you go, Heabutt!
And then you grab his knee... . distraction! You punch him in the face!
Then you grab a book and you hit him in the face.
Why do you know this?
I know how to fight everybody after about 5 minutes of meeting them... you know, in case I ever have to.
Even me?
(chuckling)
Well, with you, I just wouldn't even have to show up.
Wait, that's it... show up!
Shinky, it's time to take destiny into our own hands.
How?
By going out and finding The Clash.
Yeah! We tried to follow the rules.
I think now we let the rules follow us.
How do you know The Clash is staying here?
I told you, I know a guy.
And I think it's "are staying here."
Looks like the place.
London's calling, ladies!
OK, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Mm, damn!
(woman): He's cute!
Whoa! Where you going, amigos?
We're here to see The Clash.
Girls meet The Clash, so... pfft!
My man... sir. We know you have a job to do.
A really, really, really cool job.
But like you, we're also trapped in the cruel, unfeeling machine that is capitalism.
We want you to help us stick it to the man!
How?
By, you know, giving us free tickets!
Girls meet The Clash.
You two go through the roadies.
Come on.
(rock music playing)
Alright, you guys want tickets, you deal with Kevin.
(growling)
So we just ask him, or...
No. The tickets...
-... are in his pants.
In this guy's pants?
Just promise me the tickets are in there.
Yup... cross my heart.
Hey...
Let me in.
It's for The Clash!
Uhh... Ugh! (snapping)
(all laughing)
Seriously?
We walk away, we walk away now.
OK?
Hey, no, no, no. You guys have been such a good sport, maybe we could try a different game.
It's called "Lick the Roadie's Gut."
After everything we've been through, I can't believe all we have to show for it are those Poco tickets.
Wait, that's it!
Ian, you're a genius!
Hmm? What are you doing?
Sorry! I just thought of one.
How do people often know you're coming?
One word... perfume!
Good to know.
(giggling)
(man) Alberta, you're the greatest city in Canada!
Thank you, and goodnight! (loud cheering)
This is perfect. All we need to do is hide here until tomorrow night and then we're in!
Clash, here we come! (keys jangling)
Oh!
Pretty gross, guys.
Let's go.
Stuck...
You sing along with songs you don't even know the lyrics to.
You argue at the television!
You chew gum like a baseball pitcher!
You waste your life on stupid things. You've never even been to Mt. Rushmore.
Your turn!
Well, I have a really good one here about how your eye shadow fans across your face but I'm not going to say it.
Ugh! I couldn't sleep at all last night!
Oh, I know, I could hear you pacing outside my door.
I didn't mean to keep you up.
You didn't.
I snuck out and went to a bar.
We should do that.
We should do that tonight!
Go to a bar?
Yes!
OK... but no communicating.
Deal!
I feel really good about this. Do you feel good about this?
That's communicating, Mom!
Oh!
My son, the trespasser!
That's right. The cops brought us home last night.
Technically, he was a security guard.
Shut up, Shinky, what are you even doing here? Go home and get yelled at by your own parents!
Stay here, Shinky! I'm not done with you!
And you...
You could have landed in jail!
And I'd do it again for Clash tickets!
I thought the whole thing about this pout rock was to not care about stuff so much?
For the last time, it's punk rock, old man, and it's not about not caring, it's about caring too much!
Yeah? Well your punk rock records aren't fit to wipe John Denver's sweaty brow!
Look at us gals getting ready for a night out!
If people ask, let's pretend to be two sisters from Quebec!
Ha ha!
OK... Or not.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing!
Is there something you want to say?
Not as such.
Say it.
Mom, no one could ever mistake us for sisters.
You don't understand my music, you don't understand me, and I really don't understand you!
Well, maybe you would if you manned up and took a swing at me!
Fine, Lloyd, you wanna do this? Outside, now!
No tricks this time?
No tricks, just you, me, and the lawn!
Ho ho ho!
It's happening, Shinky!
You'll never regret fighting your daddy!
'K now remember, headbutt, headbutt, then hit him with a book.
(together) Shut up, Shinky!
Are you ready for this, old man?
Oh, I've been ready for this since you were a baby!
What are you doing?
I'm doing the only thing more manly than fighting... making meaningful eye contact.
Quit looking at me!
I'm not looking at you, Dad, I'm seeing you.
It hurts!
We need to communicate better.
I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder now.
What a rip!
Son!
(Helen) When you get up off the couch, it smells like a bag of cigarettes!
Well, you can't read a car without reading every sign you see out loud.
Lloyd, hold my jewellery!
Ian, hold my jewellery.
This is gonna get messy.
Bring it on!
Woo! Let them go, let them go!
(shrieking)
I think your father's on to something.
I feel much closer to you after our little kerfuffle.
Kerfuffle? Mom, I thought you were going to rip my arms right out of my sockets.
I have to be honest, Belinda... I don't like being honest.
Yeah it's much easier to get along with someone when you just tell them what they want to hear.
I'll drink to that.
Then let's go find another bottle of wine and m*rder it.
Let's follow it home, stomp on it, roll it up into a rug, shove it into a trunk... drive it...
Even though I don't understand you, I'm starting to understand how important that rock and roll show is to you.
Did you ever care about a concert, Dad?
Once. The Milligan Flea Circus.
Man, I couldn't wait to see those little suckers dance. But then Milligan forgot his briefcase outside a train station and they all froze to death. (slurping drink)
We tried everything to get into that concert.
It's like The Clash say... "I fought the law, but the law won."
Well, I know that song, but isn't it the Bobby Fuller Four?
Yeah, well, whoever sings it, the message is always the same... whether the law is Ticketmaster or a g*ng of pot-bellied roadies, the law always wins.
Not tonight, it doesn't!
Boys, grab your punk rock gear. We're going to see that show.
Come on!
We're going to the punk rock!
I believe he means The Clash!
(I Fought the Law and the Law Won performed by the Bobby Fuller Four playing)
♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪
♪ I needed money because I had none ♪
Scalpers, are you sure about this, Dad?
You may not know this about me son, but as a younger man, I'd often scalp tickets for stampede wrestling.
I'm not proud of that.
You sound very proud of that.
Aren't they just going to gouge us?
Oh, they're going to try, son, they're going to try. You've got to remember that scalpers are society's worst. They're scumsurpers, lower than tow truck drivers. You've got to just know how to talk to them. Hey! Gerbil-faced bastards!
Who wants to dance? Hot pants! I got some money here.
Hey, maggot! Are we doing business or are we dancing here?
Sir, there's no reason for brass knuckles. Ow!
Well, you didn't fight your dad, but maybe we could fight with him?
Right.
(all clamouring)
Don't you hit my dad...
Hey! Get out of here! Get 'em out of here.
Lloyd? What are you doing here?
You know me, pork chop, always in the eye of the storm.
My kid here wants to attend the punking rock.
I tell you what... you guys helped me out, allow me to pay you back.
I can't get you tickets, but I can get you in.
Really?
Side stage OK?
(cackling)
(loud music playing)
Ho ho ho ho!
(Clash singer): Hello Vancou...
I mean, Calga... Canada!
Glad to be over here. 1, 2, 3, 4!
The Clash, man! Unbelievable! There are three kinds of people in this world, Shinky. People who have seen The Clash, people who haven't seen the Clash, and The Clash themselves.
(loud ringing)
... this changes everything! These hands have seen The Clash.
Oh Shinky, this is unbelievable...
(muffled) Yeah, what did you think of The Clash?
I already told you.
What did you think of The Clash concert?
Can you hear me?
What? Are you talking?
Am I talking?
(shrieking)
(dogs barking)
I heard that!