01x05 - Persistent Romeo

[bunniefuu]

Eddie: Every Saturday, it seemed like all the guys in my school went to a sleepover.

And every Monday, they'd brag about it in front of kids who weren't invited... Like me.

Trent: Man, we ate so much cereal.

Yeah, we did. Remember when Doug wet the bed?

Sploosh! It's not a party till my sleeping bag's flooded!

[Laughs] Yeah.

Sleepovers are corny as hell.

Right? Those guys are so dumb.

Hey, Eddie. Wanna come to my sleepover on Saturday?

Yes! [Sighs]

Wait a minute. Why are you inviting me? Is this a trick?

No tricks. Trent told me about you feeling up that old lady at the block party.

He touched her butt. She was, like, 25.

Respect. You're gonna super appreciate what I've got planned for Saturday.

I've got a dirty magazine.

"Sports illustrated" swimsuit issue.

I hear Elle MacPherson's pretty.

Obviously, none of us had seen a dirty magazine before.

It was 1995.

It wasn't like you could just say, "Siri, find me boobs."

My big brother got a subscription under a fake name... "Todd Thickstone."

He's on an eagle scout's trip until Sunday, so it's all ours.

I was mad psyched.

I was on the road to making some friends.

No way.

Why not? It's just a sleepover.

Because pedophiles.

I saw it on the Nightly News.

Back in D.C., my mom spent her days working at my Uncle's furniture store, and her nights karaoke-ing with her friends.

But since we moved to Orlando, she had a lot of time on her hands...

Time she filled watching the Nightly News.

Man on TV: Are you at risk for date r*pe?

Are deadly chemicals in your couch?

Sexual harassment in the workplace... can it happen to you?

Yes, it can.

Eddie: Fearmongering was made for my mom, and her paranoia made the rest of us miserable.

Uh...

Are we still going to the movies?

Only if there's something with Denzel.

Movie theaters are a hot bed for disease.

Nightly News.

"Crimson Tide" is playing.

Start the car.

S01E05
Persistent Romeo

Danny brown:
♪ fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homie, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homie don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Eddie, dinner!

[Chuckles]

If you don't let me go to that sleepover, I'm gonna stop eating.

Buddy...

I overreached. I see that now.

Eddie, I already told you, you can have the sleepover here.

I know that we are not pedophiles.

The guys won't go for that.

I don't have a dirty ma... it's just stupid here.

[Door opens]

[Laughs] You won't believe what happened at work today.

What's going on?

A customer just asked to be seated, but all the tables are full.

[Indistinct conversations]

Should we... start a waiting list?

And then we started a waiting list!

That's amazing! It's what we've been waiting for!

Oh, no. I was afraid of this.

Yeah. W-wait. What just happened?

Eddie, what's the thing you always say that the fat brown man says?

Mo' money, mo' problems?

Yes, that.

Now that we are close to achieving our dreams, we have to think about protecting them.

We don't want to be a target for frivolous lawsuits.

I saw it on the Nightly News.

Why do you always find something to worry about?

Just relax. Our insurance covers everything.

Food poisoning?

Covered.

Slip and fall?

Covered.

Sexual harassment?

Damn, you're good.

I knew there would be something.

We need to do a seminar so that we are not liable.

I can do it.

At my family's furniture store, I handled employee grievances.

The employees were you and your sister.

That bitch.

Jessica, don't say itch-bayin front of of the k-i-d-s.

Dad, we can spell.

Of course you can, little man!

Hey, you know what? I'm gonna get you an applesauce.

Dad, I don't want an apple... Okay, I'll have an applesauce.

Okay.

My mom convinced my dad to let her give the sexual harassment seminar by... Well, pretty much harassing him.

Welcome to the first official Cattleman's Ranch sexual harassment seminar.

Okay? [Chuckles]

To make sure we always have a pleasant work environment, flirting should be avoided at all times.

Unless you're a handsome man, because who doesn't like that?

Ladies, let's discuss how to sit.

Your ankles should be crossed at all times...

Unless your thighs make it physically impossible.

You cannot wear any shirts that expose your belly button, especially if you have an outtie. That's just gross.

Dirty jokes in the workplace... not allowed. For example...

"A German broad with big honkers walks into a bar."

Okay! That's uncomfortable.

Thank you. [Chuckles nervously]

Help yourselves to fig Newtons and milk and laugh about what just happened. Okay. [Chuckles]

[School bell rings]

And my brother said there's a foldout of Kathy Ireland in a white bikini looking "cold," if you know what I mean.

I don't. Me, neither.

But we'll find out on Saturday.

I have real bad news. I can't come to the party.

Sucks to be you...

[Singsongy] 'Cause I'm also getting a popcorn machine!

Aw, yeah! [Boy gasps]

Dude! Nice!

Do you know what might be cool?

Is if we do the party at my house.

Your house? [Scoffs] No.

My magazine, my party.

Besides, does your bedroom have a mini fridge full of...

[Singsongy] Hi-c ecto coolers?

[Boy gasps]

The official drink of slimer!

I was losing my audience. I had to do something quick.

I have a dirty movie.

Eddie's then?

The guys were coming over for a dirty movie... a dirty movie I didn't have.

To make some friends, I had to break some rules, and your boy was willing to do whatever it took.

Why are you wearing grandma's coat?

[Lowered voice] Because I'm gonna steal a dirty movie.

You don't have to do this.

Yes, I do.

The guys are coming over tonight.

I'll tell mom.

I'll draw butts on your homework.

You win.

I know.

So that's where I'm gonna steal a dirty movie.

Love isn't dirty. It's beautiful.

Shut up. Now let's do this.

You guys cause a distraction.

One...

Two, three...

Raisins! Raisins! They used to be grapes!

Raisins! Raisins! They used to be grapes! Four, five, six...

Raisins! Raisins!

Where are the cartoons?

That's what I'm looking for, 'cause I'm a kid!

I knew it!

I knew you didn't have a dirty movie and that you'd come here to steal one.

But you totally failed.

Are you gonna tell everybody?

Are you kidding?

It'll be much more fun to watch you crash and burn tonight.

Let's go, raisin thrower. You're outta here.

Don't tell mom! She relies on me!

Emery: 30, 31, 32...

[Door bell dings]

33, 3... [Grunts]

Yep. Thank you.

Okay, we apologize if some of you felt sexually harassed by our last sexual harassment training.

Who felt harassed?! Was it you?

I...I... Uh, no.

Okay, stop. Stop.

Now thanks to my wife, who opened up this can of worms for no reason, I've hired a professional to lead the seminar.

So, everybody, let's give a warm Cattleman's welcome to Dusty Nugget!

[Applause] [Blowing whistle]

[Laughs] All right! [Chuckles]

All right! Thank you!

So... A little bit about me.

I was a repeat sexual harassment offender who, thanks, to a complicated plea deal, is now working for the good guys.

That's right, they Hannibal lectered me.

[Scattered laughter]

Don't be alarmed. I booked on showing, not touching.

So... Let's start with the basics.

Is sexual harassment good?

Or bad?

Bad?

That's great. [Laughs]

Oh, great job. Great, great job.

Um...

Now I'm gonna give you a little kiss.

And freeze.

What am I doing wrong?

Ooh!

Ohh!

[Doorbell rings]

[Door squeaks]

LL Cool J:
♪ I'd give you a rose ♪
♪ Pull out your chair before we eat ♪
♪ Kiss you on the cheek ♪
♪ And say, "ooh, girl, you're so sweet" ♪
♪ It's deja  vu whenever I'm with... ♪

What?

Sorry. I'm your neighbor... Eddie.

Yeah. I see you staring at me always.

Cool, cool. So I know it's weird, but can I take a video of you doing anything?

Like homework or washing that car over there?

Man: ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

Automated male voice: No.

Hey, mom, ask me if I'll eat my carrots.

No. I can't believe we're paying for all this stuff.

Because of you.

"No one is fond of fondling."

You know why it's so expensive?

Hidden fees.

I saw a Nightly News once where they talked... no more Nightly News!

These are the snacks you got me for my sleepover?

Squiddies? What are squiddies?

They were on sale, and there's a funny octopus on the bag.

Who's squirting ink on a dog!

These are for dogs!

Dad, help me out.

Eddie, you'll be fine. Just play with the legos I bought you.

Legos?!

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, welcome to our home! Come in!

Eddie is so excited.

He's had such a hard time making any friends.

Okay, mom. Thanks.

There's pork bone stew on the stove.

[Door closes]

It's good for your hearing.

Mom...

Bye, Mrs. Huang.

Doug: Thank you!

Where's the dirty movie?

Yeah, Eddie.

Where's the dirty movie?

Okay, guys, here's the thing...

Is this it?

I don't know what "harassment" means, but it's got the word "ass" in it.

[TV playing]

You two play in here, okay?

Give Eddie some time with his friends.

Grandma, what's your favorite color?

_

_

Prepare to sploosh.

We'll see.

[VCR whirs]

Dusty: The workplace is filled with inappropriate characters.

Let's meet some of them.

Here we have the "persistent Romeo."

If you select me on Friday night, I'll select you for the promotion.

How about Saturday?

Sunday?

Monday?

[Buzzer]

Dusty: Then there's "the crooner."

♪ Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm, mmm ♪

[Buzzer]

Dusty: And watch out for "tempting Tanya."

She'll use her sexuality to ensnare you.

Great job in the meeting today.

[Buzzer]

This is amazing.

I can't believe I'm actually watching a dirty movie.

Eddie: Obviously none of us knew what a dirty movie was.

You butthole. I can't believe you actually did it.

Yo, I always do it.

Dusty: Next up... sensitivity regarding holiday party planning.

Both: Yeah!

Eddie: My sleepover was a big hit thanks to dad's sexual harassment video.

I couldn't wait to brag about it with my boys.

How about the part where "one for the road Randy" is like, "come on, Jen from accounting. Let's have one for the road"?

[Laughs] Yeah.

What a sleepover, huh?

Maybe I'll do it again next weekend.

Oh, we don't need to go back to your place.

We have our own copies.

How did you get those? From me.

You ganked my party, so I ganked your video.

You stole my tape?

I had a kid in the media room make copies.

[Indistinct conversations]

They all have the tape, so... They don't need you, How do you sleep at night?

With two night-lights. I got a big room.

[Door opens]

Louis, we need to install floodlights in the parking lot.

Why?

Because bad guys steal babies from the backseats of cars.

It's a baby selling scheme.

I saw it on "60 minutes."

No Nightly News last night.

They aired a repeat of "Family Matters."

I know. I saw it. Urkel was hilarious.

You need to stop being so paranoid.

We don't know these people down here.

We don't know what they're... [Whispers] capable of.

Dusty: And freeze.

This is currently not sexual harassment, but if in the process of making up, things got physical, well, that is a workplace no-no.

What are you still doing here?

The state requires me to be here for one week before I can give you your completion certificate.

[Sighs deeply]

_

_

_

_

_

_

Uh...

I'll recommend you to everyone I know.

_

_

It wasn't long before that video spread all over the joint.

It was like the 1995 version of going viral, and it started a sexual harassment revolution at my school.

H-Town: ♪ Well... ♪

If you select me as your boyfriend, uh, I'll select you for the promotion.

♪ We doin' this one for all the ladies ♪

[Muffled voice] Nice kick in kickball today.

Well, aren't you a tempting Tanya?

[Whispers] I like it.

♪ Cause we will be knockin' da boots ♪

[Sharpener grinding]

♪ G.I., Shazam... ♪

Hey, girl. How about we have one for the road?

What road?

Uh...

This got out of hand fast.

I'm confused why we're here.

We traced this video back to your son.

It's caused an epidemic.

It's just a sexual harassment training video from my restaurant.

Oh, I've watched the video. I know it's completely innocent.

I'm confused why we're here.

If the boys think this I, they obviously don't know what sex is.

We're planning a sex Ed assembly.

But in the meantime, we're encouraging parents to have "the talk" with their sons.

"The talk"? He's still just a kid.

Here. We're giving all the parents a copy of the district-approved textbook.

"Flowers & watering cans"?

It's quite lovely. My wife did all the illustrations.

Oh, is that what your wife does with her free time?

My wife worries about sexual harassment, razor blades in apples, baby thieves, my favorite blue sweater getting me mistaken for a g*ng member... it's a nice sweater... For a crip to get sh*t in.

I'm going to applebee's after this.

Do you think I'll be okay?

[Sighs] No, I don't.

[Crunches]

[Crunches]

You're bluffing. You don't have it.

I'm all in.

[Gasps]

She had it, Evan.

[High-pitched whining]

[Sighs]

Guess he's not a kid anymore.

[Door closes]

I can't believe it's time to give him the talk.

I know. [Sighs]

Well... I will let you know how it goes.

Aw, hell, no.

You created this whole situation.

I'll handle this now, father to son.

[Continues high-pitched whining]

[Sighs]

"Flowers & watering cans."

[Chuckles] I can't believe this is how they teach kids about sex here.

Dad, can you please just ground me or something?

[Chuckles] Eddie...

Half the reason I come to this country is so you could have lots of sex.

What I mean is, Taiwan was so conservative.

You couldn't really have sex before you were married.

You didn't know if you and your wife were compatible that way.

It was dumb luck that your mom and I were.

Yo!

Sorry.

Look, I don't want you to go out and have sex tomorrow, okay?

But this?

This is just gonna confuse you.

[Book thuds]

I will tell you the truth if you wanna hear it.

Yeah? Okay.

Hmm. Okay, where to start?

This will sound crazy, but it's way better than video games.

You know how sneezes feel really satisfying in a weird way?

Stay away from Arkansas.

They outlawed all the fun stuff.

Spring break, my God.

I am so excited for you. I might come with.

That's a great question.

I say maybe you burn about 200 calories?

If you pretend like you have a bad back, you don't have to do so much work.

Three words... old "national geographic."

I like having the lights out so I can pretend like we're in a castle.

These are not the type of crabs Maryland is known for.

And most importantly, like we always say during the "S.N.L." monologue when a musician hosts, wrap it up.

♪ I thought back to when we made good love ♪

How'd it go?

Good.

I went over the whole book.

Did you tell him not to date r*pe?

What?

I felt good after that talk with my dad. [Sighs deeply]

The other guys at school got a bunch of garbage about watering cans and flowers.

"Mm, let's kiss." "Okay."

[Makes kissing sounds]

But my dad gave me the real, and I was mad appreciative for that.

I said to myself, when I became a dad, I'd treat my son with the same resp...

Aah!

Like that?!

What are you doing?!

You like that?! No?!

Well, girls don't either! No means no! Respect girls!

Nightly News!

Okay, okay, I won't! God! Ow!

Okay, I may have overreacted.

Ya think?

Obviously, I have too much time on my hands.

I'm in the house all day, and it's making me stir-crazy.

I think I need to get a job.

Here are the classifieds. I circled you several options.

And?

Do you have anything else you wanna say to me?

Yes. Go get ready for bed.

And that you're...

His mother, and that he still has a bedtime.

But you came at Eddie with a stuffed animal.

And now you're... s...

Sewing it up.

Oh, come on.

I don't have to say "I'm sorry" to him, Louis.

I gave birth to him.

Life is worth a thousand "I am sorrys."

Thanks, mommy. It looks as good as new.

This belongs to grandma now. She won it fair and square.

Oh, that's poker, baby.

That's poker.

Louis: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. No. No.

Okay, students, a state-licensed spokesman is here to tell us about our bodies.

One of our parents, Louis Huang, highly recommended him...

Dusty Nugget!

[Applause] [Blowing whistle]

[Chuckles] Okay!

It's Dusty Nugget. Just "Nugget."

Okay, kids, what do you say we keep that applause going for a special friend of mine I brought along to help us out?

Huh? They'll hear it for him! Huh?

[Applause]

Yay! Thanks, Dusty Nugget.

Wow. [Chuckles] What a cool guy, huh, kids?

Hi! I'm Healthy Hamilton.

And, uh, what do you say we just start with some questions, huh?

Boy: Do you have a penis?

Kevin! [Laughter]

No, it's okay.

I prefer to think of it as a watering can.

So... You guys wanna hear the real?

Sleepover, my house, Saturday night.

I'll tell you about spring break, blacspring break... no!

Uh, we're gonna have a sleepover at my house Saturday night.

I just got...

[Singsongy] A bird that can talk!

So... Eddie's house then?

Yeah, they chose me, Brock.

Talk to your bird about that.