01x06 - Shaq Fu

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Fresh Off the Boat". Aired February 2015 - February 2020.
"Fresh Off the Boat" is mostly told through the eyes of 11-year-old Eddie Huang, with the show initially set in 1995, when Eddie and his Taiwanese family move from Chinatown in Washington, D.C. to suburban Orlando, Florida to realize their 'American dream'. They discover things are very different from expected and hip-hop is used to help deal with the upheaval, struggle and culture clash.
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01x06 - Shaq Fu

Post by bunniefuu »

Eddie: After pops banned ma from working at the restaurant because she drove everyone nuts, she was really determined to find a job.

Overqualified.

Not enough pay.

"Must be a team player"?

[Laughs]

No.

Evan: Mom!

Eddie's flicking my ear.

I'm just holding my hand here. I'm not even touching him.

I feel phantom flicks.

Eddie, I could get by with only two sons.

Think about that.

That woman was tough. She could handle anything.

Man: [Sighs] Excuse me, ma'am?

Anything but an Orlando heat wave.

You really can't loiter in the frozen food aisle.

I am not loitering.

I am shopping.

$4.99?

I'll give you $2.

The popsicles are a set price. They're not negotiable.

You're good. $2.50.

Ma'am, if you wanna b*at the heat, they sell air conditioners at sears.

Oh, we have an air conditioner.

Moms just won't let us turn it on.

Air conditioning is expensive.

Who do you think we are, the Chiangs?

Very prominent family in D.C.

They're sort of the Liaos of the upholstery world.

Very prominent family in Taiwan.

They made their fortune in textiles...

Ma'am, not today.

There's a dog loose in the produce section.

A dog?!

[Thud]

I'll give you a dollar for all of this.

S01E06
Shaq Fu

♪ fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

Me and the kids at school didn't always get along, but the things we could agree on were hoops, hip-hop, and Nintendo.

So when we heard Shaq combined all three in a video game, we lost our damn minds.

It's called "Shaq Fu."

It's like "mortal kombat," but with Shaq.

[Cap pops]

Goes on sale next week.

$50.

I don't have that kind of scrill!

I mean, Shaq's gotta make his money. I respect that.

But what about these japanese guys?

What do they need it for?

Aren't you japanese?

You shut your damn mouth.

I'm gonna pay for it by taking my sister's tooth fairy money.

I've been double mowing the Millers' lawn.

They haven't noticed.

I think they're going through some stuff.

I've been pocketing my lunch money.

Eddie: You're not gonna eat?

Just gotta get past Wednesday... dinosaur nuggets, pudding cup.

My mom's driving to Miami to get the game for me.

They get it two days earlier down there.

Yeah, she's making up for my dad forgetting me at a Walmart.

No fair!

Lucky!

You gonna finish your sandwich?

I'm gonna ask my mom for the money.

She's usually cheap as hell, but she'll get this is an emergency.

So a basketball man made a video game about karate'ing people?

Thank God. Thank God. I knew you'd get it.

[Coins rattle]

There we go.

Little zip zip.

She probably has no energy because it's so hot in here.

Can we turn on the a/c just for a second?

Grandma, please. I have a headache.

When mommy finds a job, then we can turn on the a/c.

For now, it's just too expensive.

Do you know what's free?

Parking at the mall where they sell video games.

No, it's not.

So we walk through brookstone and get a stamp! God!

Hey, everyone! Hi.

How was your day? Boys, how was school?

Great! I got elected... terrific! My turn!

I have exciting news.

I finally hit on a winning promotion at the restaurant!

[All sigh]

This wasn't the first time pops had come home excited about a "winning" publicity stunt.

Ahoy, me hearties!

I be Captain Book!

Lest there be claims of copyright plunder, that's b-o-o-k.

Now what would ye like to order?

Luckily, my dad was about to stumble into the biggest restaurant craze of the mid '90s.

Fajitas!

[Laughs] Orlando can't get enough utility-grade skirt steak delivered in a sizzling skillet.

No way. No way white people will eat meat out of a pan.

Yes way. Yes way all day.

You bring them tortillas, veggies, and steak, and they assemble it themselves.

It's like an edible Ikea chair.

Or a legos you can eat!

Oh. He improved on it. He just made it better.

So we're about to come into some money, huh?

Hey, papa, you been working out?

'Cause you're looking swole.

What?

Since things are looking so good at the restaurant, maybe you can spot me some bread for a video game?

50 small?

I knew this would happen. [Scoffs]

The downside of the greatest country in the world.

Entitled children feeling like they don't have to work to get what they want.

My father, your yaya, made me work hard for every penny, and that work ethic is how I'm able to keep the lights on.

But not the a/c.

That's your mother's thing. She runs the house.

Don't pull me into that.

If you want money, you need to work for it.

But I can't work. I'm only 11.

Well, when your grandfather was 11, he had three kids.

As I say that, I realize I'm exaggerating, but he definitely was working at your age.

Right, ma?

Mm-hmm. I always respected him for that.

Made me the man I am today.

So it's settled.

[Grunts] Eddie will come work with me at Cattleman's after school.

Great, because I have a job interview.

A furniture store needs management help.

That's my specialty.

What's your specialty, Emery?

I know you want me to say "the ladies," but I'm classier than that.

When I grow up, I want my specialty to be homemade pickles.

That's a new interest for you.

I was gonna tell you earlier...

No, it's fine.

I guess I just have to share a bunk bed with a total stranger.

I'm sorry. It's the heat.

Hey!

Ready for your first day?

Look, dad, I don't wanna be here, and you don't want me here.

Uh, I do want you here.

Remember my incredibly moving speech about your grandfather?

But as long as I'm here, I'm gonna make the best of it.

Tips for "Shaq Fu."

Life, huh?

[Scoffs] You give a company 22 years, you think...

Ahem!

My ears don't come free.

Uh... [chuckles nervously] You know, rather than have my 11-year-old tend bar, I thought you could work the floor.

Aw, dope! Like manage the servers?

Or handle security?

I'm watching you, son.

Uh, no.

I got something else in mind for you.

[Skillets sizzling]

Ooh! I'd like some fajitas.

Those look delicious!

You heard 'em, fajita boy. [Chuckles]

Whoops.

The heat melted my mustache glue.

You know, your grandfather's ear fell off on his first job.

As I say that, I realize I'm exaggerating, but it could have.

[Sighs deeply]

[Groans]

[Groans loudly]

Why are you making that noise?

I dropped four skillets, caught a flaming green pepper in the face.

Delivering fajitas sucks.

You know what your grandfather's first job was?

Selling bread that was so hot, he lost all his fingerprints.

Why do I get the worst job in the whole restaurant?

I'm your son.

It's because you're my son.

It's my job as your father to make sure my boys understand the meaning of hard work, like your grandfather did with me.

Can't you just front me the money?

Eddie, there are no handouts in the Huang family.

The only time your grandfather got anything without working for it was on his birthday.

And you know what he got? An egg.

One egg.

To eat or to play with?

Now you see his dilemma.

Evan and Emery: A/c.

[All sigh contentedly]

Good afternoon.

Can I help you find anything today...

Jessica Huang.

Seven years managing number one furniture unlimited in Washington, D.C.

Oh. Okay.

Are you looking for anything in particular?

Yes. $18.50 an hour, and I need afternoons off to help my boys with their schoolwork.

Oh, and on Thursdays, I do my mother-in-law's nails.

We both hate it, but it's too late to say anything now.

Pretty color.

Uh... I think there's been some sort of mix up.

We're not hiring.

But you put this in the paper.

It's an ad for 25% off mattresses.

Exactly.

25% off on the highest margin item in the store.

You obviously need my help.

It's okay. You found me. Jessica is here.

[Air conditioner whirring]

It's like being kissed by a snowman.

Guys, I got the money.

Did a third hedge trimming at the Millers.

They're their house. I think things must be getting bad.

Me? I'm hustlin' for that money.

'Cause like my dad says, there's no free handouts in Huang family.

I mean...

Who cares?

I gave my sister a candy apple, and her last molar came out.

Tooth fairy. Dolla dolla bill, y'all.

[Weakly] Who has a candy apple?

So did your mom drive to Miami? Did she get it?

Yes and no.

She drove to Miami, but the guy said that the hot new game was "9 to 5."

You know, based on the Dolly Parton/Jane Fonda office comedy?

The one that came out in 1980, 15 years ago?

That's the game she bought me.

That's the game I have in my house.

[Water trickling] Why do they put the classifieds so close to the comics?

I keep getting distracted by the misfortunes of Cathy.

None of those swimsuits are right, Cathy.

[Laughs] None of them.

Mom, hold it up.

We can't run through it.

[Gasps] And the water's really hot!

It's hot at raging waters, too.

Except this is $30 cheaper and you won't get some stranger's band-aid in your mouth.

She's cleansing them of the evil spirits cast by dishonored ancestors. [Sighs]

Right, Jessica?

I'm just trying to cool down my kids and find a job, but no one seems to appreciate how I'm good at everything I do.

Anyway, guess where we just came from. [Giggles]

Remember our friend Samantha?

Real great smile.

Her mother took her own life.

Well, she is moving.

Carol-Joan: We just came from her open house.

We did a little digging, and she and Andrew are getting a divorce.

I think Andrew left her because she blimped out.

[Mouths word] I found five tubs of ice cream in the freezer.

Ironically, Rocky Road.

No self-control.

None.

[All sigh]

Boys, here's your a/c.

Now mommy can keep looking for jobs in peace.
[Singsongy] Hello!

I'm Ashley Alexander of Ashley Alexander Realty.

I don't like that name.

I would call it Red Door Realty.

Okay. Great.

Can I show you around this lovely home?

[Purse thuds]

Yes, please, in just one minute.

One minute, please. Thank you. [Clicks pen]

My old man thought I couldn't work hard, but he was wrong.

And much like Shaq, who busted his ass to get his free throw percentage up to a strong 52%, by the end of the week, my fajita game was straight-up nasty.

Kool moe Dee: ♪ I go to work like a doctor ♪
♪ When I rock the mic, you got to like the way I operate ♪
♪ I make miracles happen just from rappin' ♪

Ooh!

Oh, could I get... mas tortillas?

♪ On the scene mean, I got the potential ♪
♪ To make you go then chill, I got the credentials ♪
♪ That is of which I chose to make a rhyme and chill ♪ [Sizzling]

♪ Then you know I will fulfill, make a come of mill ♪
♪ As I build a guild for all the rappers ♪

More sizzle!

♪ And no thrills ♪

[Sizzles] [Laughs]

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

[Laughs] [Blows air]

Nice!

♪ I go to work ♪

You've done a real nice job this week, Eddie.

You earned it.

Thanks, pops. [Chuckles]

It was hard...

Mm.

But in the end, I kept my head down, and you know how things...

18 bucks?!

That's way short!

I need $50 for "Shaq Fu"!

Oh, I'm sorry, Eddie, but I had to dock your pay for all the food you dropped, the plates you broke.

Hard work isn't just about showing up.

It's also about doing a good job.

But hey, in a few weeks, you'll have enough money to buy your game.

And, uh, maybe some leftover to buy a funny mouse pad or something.

You know? Like... like a dog doing something funny or...

[Chuckles] I don't know.

Okay, so right when the bell rings, we get on our bikes, go to the mall, and buy "Shaq Fu."

Any questions?

I'm too weak to cycle.

Then we leave you, Brian!

I can't go. I don't have enough money to buy the game yet, and I still need to go work at my dad's stupid restaurant after school.

Dude, that sucks.

You can borrow my game after I b*at it.

That could take years!

Guys, I was up all night.

"9 to 5" is genius.

You can play it as any character, but I prefer Doralee because if you forge Franklin Hart's signature, you get to open up a daycare at consolidated.

Come on, let's go point our bikes in the direction of the mall.

Have fun at work, Eddie.

They were all going to the mall, and I had to go to work, and it still wasn't gonna get me that game.

So I made a decision...

[Sighs] I don't think Eddie's gonna show up for his shift.

[Sighs] I guess not.

All right, Mitch, you're gonna have to be on fajita duty.

Yes! [Laughs] Showtime!

[Limes squirt] Oh! Oh, God.

The limes, they turned on the handler.

I can't see. Louis? Louis!

Oh, the position has been filled?

Well, do you have any other jobs available?

I'm a very fast learner.

Excuse me.

Are you interested in this house? Because...

Yes, very. Definitely a contender.

I'm very detail-oriented. I... [Line disconnects]

Hello?

Hello?

[Clicks tongue]

[Sighs deeply]

Oh, someone named Jeremy called, by the way.

He wants me to tell you to let the cat out of the bedroom when you're done.

We can always change the paint.

But not the lousy school district.

The skylights should help the resale.

But the cemetery down the street won't.

It's got great bones but no open floor plan.

And you know I need a double oven.

Mm-hmm.

You should look at the Miller house on orange.

Sounds perfect for you.

You're just here for the free a/c.

You're the lady Ashley Alexander warned me about.

[Sighs deeply] From Red Door Realty?

What? No.

Sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Fine.

[Speaks indistinctly]

Hey, come on. I'll show you the Miller house.

Let me just get my kids out of the pool, and we'll go.

Marco!

Evan and Emery: Polo!

Come on. [Water splashes]

[Door closes] Where's Eddie?

He didn't show up for work today.

Nancy had to cover for him, and she spilled salsa all over Regina Snipes!

That's Wesley Snipes' aunt.

Took two banana cream pies just to calm her down.

[Sighs] This is unacceptable.

I'm gonna make him come in before and after school and on weekends.

Push him hard until he understands how to be a hard worker.

That's what dad would've done with me.

Eddie.

[Sighs] Go ahead and ground me.

Al my friends are gonna be playing "Shaq Fu" for the next forever anyway, so it doesn't even matter.

What's this?

50 small.

To buy your video game.

Why?

Because you don't have to be a hard man to be a hard worker.

Think of it as an early egg day present.

Oh, my God. This place is perfect.

I think it's so nice that you two are looking for a place together.

I know. It's kind of a big step.

Yeah, it's great you go to open houses without your wives.

I would have to drag Louis to one of these.

No, we're a couple.

A couple of catches!

No, we're in love.

With this countertops? How could you not be?

Granite throughout.

Lady, I don't think you...

[Door opens]

Really? Granite? [Door closes]

You again?!

Look, I told you the a/c is only for potential buyers!

Actually, I am showing the house to these two best friends.

Lovers, and we love it. We'd like to make an offer.

Oh! [Laughs] Really?

[Squeals] That's fantastic!

[Laughs] [Laughs]

Oh, well we're listed at $229,000.

$229,000? Okay.

Andy, Randy, let's go.

Where are we going?

We're going downtown to pick up a prostitute so Ashley Alexander can bend her over and...

[Doorbell rings] Her, too.

[Gasps]

[Pen scratches]

Doorbells work.

[Sizzles] Mitch: Ohh!

Oh. Damn it, Nancy!

[Sizzles] Aah!

[Sizzles] [Panting] Aah!

Hey, dad.

Eddie. What are you doing here?

I went to the mall to buy "Shaq Fu," but something didn't feel right.

I don't want a handout. I wanna earn it myself.

I didn't have my realization until after I bought the game.

Keep it safe for me.

Well, you are 40 minutes late.

Dock me.

Happy to see your fajita boy?

That's no fajita boy.

That's a fajita man.

Emery: So hot.

Just so hot. [Door closes]

What are you doing?

Eddie's pimp walk.

What's a pimp?

Your mommy, that's who.

Boom!

I just sold a house! I am a realtor now!

Ashley Alexander from Red Door Realty says that I'm a tough negotiator.

[Chuckles] Also, I found out what ruined the Millers' marriage.

Male infertility.

No motorcycles for you three!

Jessica, you can't just say you're a realtor.

You gotta take an exam, get a license.

Yes, yes, yes.

Also, you can learn how to sell a house...

Which I already did!

[Laughs]

I was born to do this! Come on, let's celebrate!

Hey, boys, go ahead.

Crank up the a/c to "low."

Louis: Uh-oh!

[Laughs] A/c!

A/c!

Evan: Run!

Oh, ho ho! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

[Cheering]

Hey, let's do your pimp walk! Mommy's...

All: A real estate pimp!

Louis: Uh-oh! A real estate pimp!

A real estate pimp!

A real estate pimp!

Go, mom! Go, mom! Go, mom! Go, mom!

So how was it? How was "Shaq Fu"?

Very thorough instruction manual.

Yeah. Yeah.

The game just boots right up, too. No delays.

Yeah, quick boot. Quick boot.

Shaq can throw wind at people.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah. He w*apon the wind.

It sucks, doesn't it?

So hard. I hate it.

I can't even eat.

Wow. Who would've thought Dave got the best game?

[Fanfare plays]

[Fireworks exploding, people cheering]

[Midi instrumental of "9 to 5" playing]

Equal pay for equal work!

You can have it all, ladies!
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