01x10 - Blind Spot

[bunniefuu]

Eddie: In some Asian households, science fair week is no joke.

When your people invented everything from gunpowder to sudafed, nobody is cool with you phoning it in.

[italian accent] Oh, Luigi, should we get married?

There's no rush-a! We have all the time in the world!

[Normal voice] Little do you know, she already has another suitor... death.

And with every grade competing and a pizza party on the line for the winner, even the nice kids got cutthroat.

I mean, it's good, but is it pizza party good?

What up, youngsters?

What are you making for the science fair, Eddie?

Oh, crap! Science fair?!

I thought you guys were just being nerds.

It's both. Projects are due Monday.

Monday?!

I thought we had six months to think of something!

We did, six months ago.

Don't worry, Eddie.

I'll save you a slice of pizza.

Pizza is what they give to the winner.

I'm implying that I'll be the winner.

Maybe I still have some time to think of something.

[Loud crackling and bubbling]

She was pregnant.

S01E10
Blind Spot

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ if you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ fresh off the boat ♪
♪ homey don't know where I come from ♪
♪ but I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Country music playing]

And I said, if you want it, you're going to have to go and steal it back from that bird.

[Laughs] [Laughs] Yeah.

Mr. Huang, you are so funny.

Oh, Vanessa, you're just saying that 'cause I'm the boss.

No, I'm not. [Laughs]

I think that the sexiest part about a man is his funny bone.

Mm. I bet you have a big bone.

Funny you should say that.

I do have usually large bones.

It runs in my family.

You should've seen my grandfather...

Bones like cinder blocks.

Went swimming one time. Sunk like a stone.

d*ed.

Anyway, keep up the good work!

[Chuckles]

Hey, Louis, guess what?

Oscar Chow is coming to Orlando!

Oscar Chow from college?

Yes! [Laughs]

He called me this morning.

I was gonna invite him to stay with us, but I wasn't sure if you'd be comfortable.

Oh, why would I not be comfortable?

I'm like a bean bag chair... Almost always comfortable.

Because Oscar and I used to date.

We were like Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in "Ghost," except we were alive and in college.

Oh, that? Ancient history. I love Oscar.

[Chuckles] Okay. Good.

Uh, bad news, boss. Mitch is out sick with the chickenpox.

Poor Mitch.

Even when it comes to viruses, he's an ideal host.

[Forces laugh]

I couldn't help overhearing because, well, I was listening.

I think it's great that Louis isn't one of those jealous types.

Because if one of my exes came to visit, well, Herb would probably just drive his car right into the lake again.

You know how herb gets.

Yes. Herb.

Thanks again for letting me borrow your air mattress, Honey.

I should get my own, but I am very cheap.

[Laughs] No problem.

You have relatives in town for the weekend?

Oh, no. This is actually for my college ex-boyfriend Oscar.

I would have him stay on the sofa bed, but Eddie spilled oyster sauce on it, so now it smells like an aquarium.

Wow, and Louis is okay with that?

Well, he was upset at first, but you know how oyster sauce is.

You can scrub and scrub...

Uh, no. No, I meant about your ex-boyfriend staying with you.

Marvin would never let any of my ex-boyfriends stay with us.

He's too jealous.

Nancy said the same thing about Herb.

Who's Nancy? Herb's girlfriend.

Ah. Oh, Marvin thinks I'm such a catch that other men can't be trusted around me.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

Terrible.

Anyway, um, you should feel lucky that you don't have to deal with that from Louis.

Yes.

Lucky.

If you need a second opinion, you should ask one of the other kids building a volcano.

I hear it's this year's "potato battery."

Make some noise for the power of science!

What is that?

It's a football and it's a phone!

Eddie, you need to apply yourself.

If you keep looking for shortcuts, you'll never realize your potential.

Where'd you learn that? Oprah?

Barney.

On Oprah.

What's your project, huh?

[Fabric rustles]

Watch.

[Click, electricity humming]

[Electrical humming continues]

[Printer whirs]

[Beeps]

It breaks down Dr. Pepper into its 23 individual flavors.

You're not gonna believe this. One of them isn't pepper.

Damn, son! You unlocked the doc!

Ugh! [Thud]

There goes my pizza party.

There's no way I'm b*ating Evan now.

["Chicken dance" playing]

[Booming]

Yo.

What's that on your arm?

Mm.

Louis: Chickenpox.

[Sighs]

[Weakly] Need to work on... project.

The only things you need are bed rest, ironically, chicken soup, and the healing powers of white flower oil.

But it smells. Shh.

Focus on absorbing the oil.

Science fair.

No science fair.

Yes! [Singsongy] Look like I'm winning the pizza party!

What? I can't have a dark side?

Okay, everybody, we can't have Oscar Chow staying in a house full of invalids.

So everybody out. Grandma's room is now a quarantine zone.

Like "outbreak." Great movie.

Is that the one with the cute monkey?

Emery, if you ever see a monkey like that, you run, okay?

You run and you don't look back.

And stay away from Evan because he is contagious.

Your mother's right.

We don't want you boys missing the science fair.

You can't stay in this room, or you're gonna get chickenpox.

♪ Yeah ♪

Guys, come on, let's go! Get out of there.

[Sighs]

Oscar will be here any minute.

[Chuckles] Oh, boy. Oscar Chow. What a guy.

So I thought I would take Oscar jacuzzi shopping at that place that lets you test drive the jacuzzi.

I think I'll wear my red bikini.

Hmm. Is Oscar looking for a jacuzzi?

He's gonna have to ship it.

Well, maybe we'll go for massages afterwards.

Hmm, shiatsu.

Did you know there's a-a ranch in Japan where they massage the cows? [Chuckles]

Talk about lucky cows.

Are you sure you're not jealous, Louis?

[Chuckles] It's okay if you are.

Jealous of Oscar?

[Laughing]

No.

Because, you know, they say you never get over your first love.

Mm. My first love was Dolly Parton.

What a butt.

Be more jealous!

Why aren't you more jealous?!

You want me to be jealous of Oscar?

[Chuckles] Jessica, that's crazy.

Oh, so it's so crazy that other men might find me attractive?

No. [Doorbell rings]

Oscar!

Did somebody say "croquembouche"?

The sugar is the scaffolding.

And these are for you, Eddie.

I don't know if boys are still into wind chimes these days, but I hope their gentle tinklings will always remind you of home.

[Wood clatters]

Uh...

He loves them!

Thank you, Oscar!

[Chuckles] So thoughtful.

So attentive.

So, Oscar, what brings you to Orlando?

I'm auditioning for the "Aladdin" ice show spectacular.

[Gasps] Oh!

It's going to be my big break. I can just feel it.

Well, you were always such an athlete.

Well, I'm gonna go freshen up.

Boys, uh, show Oscar to the guest bathroom.

[Lowered voice] We have a guest bathroom?

[Whispers] The bathroom.

[Wood clattering]

[Louis chuckles]

You don't see it?

See what?

[Sighs] Jessica, he's gay.

Oscar Chow is very, very gay.

Gay? That's ridiculous. Oscar is not gay.

We dated for an entire summer in college.

Did he ever kiss you?

Of course he...

Forehead doesn't count.

He's a gentleman! [Scoffs]

Jessica, everyone knows you have a blind spot when it comes to gay people.

Your gaydar is broken. You can't tell if someone's gay.

Well, that is not true.

[Grunts]

Boys, stop fighting!

[Scoffs] Why can't you be more like them?

So nice to see brothers getting along.

Men: ♪ goodbye, yellow brick road ♪

yeah, well, I think that... [Gasps]

♪ where the dogs of society howl ♪

Watch out, Louis! [Panting]

♪ You can't plant me in your penthouse ♪

A g*ng!

♪ I'm going back to my plough ♪

["IA Mamma Morta" from "Andrea Chénier" playing]

[Audience sniffling]

I don't get it. This movie has nothing to do with Philadelphia.

Shh!

They should put Rocky in this movie. It would liven things up.

That doesn't prove anything, just because...

Wait. Who was gay in "Philadelphia"?

How's my favorite little brother do...

[Muffled coughing]

I know you want my chickenpox so you can get out of the science fair.

Great. Then we're on the same page.

Now give me those sweet pox.

Sorry, Eddie. I don't want to see you waste your potential.

But the science fair's on Friday, and I got no ideas!

Science is all around us.

Ugh!

Besides, I'm saving my germs for someone else.

So beautiful. So tragic.

[Wood clattering]

Eddie: Is this science?

I can't believe we're still having this conversation.

He's a dancer auditioning for "Aladdin" on ice.

Dat dude gay.

He is an athlete auditioning for "Aladdin," which is very physically demanding.

So much carpet.

Jessica, the closest Oscar ever got to being an athlete was coaching high school cheerleading in college.

The man practically invented "the flying Liza."

[broadway jazz playing, audience cheering]

He's straight, Louis, and you better watch out.

If you're not careful, Oscar might steal me from right underneath your little...

I hope you don't mind that I borrowed this robe.

Very swish.

[Sonar pings]

[Ping]

[Ping]

[Pinging rapidly, alarm blaring]

Oh, my God. Oscar Chow is gay.

[Chuckles] Um, duh!

[Water dripping]

♪ and then a hero comes along ♪
♪ with the strength to carry... ♪

Aah!

[Squeaking]

[Gasps]

[Hums "Chicken Dance" slowly]

Louis: Evan! I made you an oatmeal bath!

Coming, daddy!

[Exhales deeply]

[Creaking]

[Spooky music playing]

[Exhaling deeply]

Take that, Emery.

Wait. Eddie?!

Take that, science.

Whoo!

H-how did I miss that Oscar was gay?

There must have been clues.

Well, that's maybe a clue.

[Inhales deeply] And that.

I feel so silly.

[Clicks teeth] Oh.

Aw! [Chuckles] This is a nice one.

I would recognize that look anywhere.

That is the look of love.

Yeah, but he's not looking at me.

I wonder who he was looking at.

Oh, my God.

Damn.

[Inhales deeply]

Oh, girl.

[Alarm blaring]

Hello, chickenpox...

What the hell?!

Evan, you were supposed to give me...

Not now, Eddie. Your brother has the chickenpox.

What?!

Nice work, germs.

[Chops loudly]

Is, uh, everything okay?

I didn't sleep at all last night.

Oh. Well, let me make you some coffee in my new French press that Oscar bought me.

[Chuckles] It's amazing.

I don't see the guy for 10 years, and he still remembers how I like my coffee.

He's in love with you, Louis!

[Laughs] Jessica, don't be crazy.

I think I would know if Oscar Chow was in love with me.

No, you wouldn't.

Everybody knows you have a blind spot when it comes to love.

Your lovedar is broken.

My what?

Your lovedar. You can't tell when people like you.

It took six kayak trips before you realized I liked you.

I just thought you loved rapids.

Who loves rapids?

And remember Amy Johnson from college?

She liked you, too.

Amy Johnson liked me?

Mm-hmm.

She was hot.

Hey, Oscar, remember boobie Johnson from college?

Apparently, she had a thing for me. [Laughs]

[Laughs] Um, duh, Louis. All the girls had a thing for you.

But none of them could have you because you were dating me.

[Spits]

Okay, wait. Oscar, I'm really confused.

I am so sorry if you misunderstood our relationship.

I didn't misunderstand anything.

We dated for three months.

I introduced you to my parents.

As your friend! Nothing romantic ever happened!

Have you forgotten about our Friday dinner dates?

You mean "frinner," friends-dinner?

We always split dessert.

Because we were broke!

I love sharing desserts with you, Louis. [Chuckles]

Me, too. So affordable.

We're just old friends.

You think I buy $150 French presses for old friends?

Wait, so you bought Louis a $150 French press, and all I get is an Orlando sweatshirt?

I live in Orlando.

It was all they had at the airport.

[High-pitched voice] At the airport?!

I'm sorry, Oscar, but I never had those feelings for you.

[Sets down glass]

You know, when I came down here to visit you, Louis, I didn't expect a rewriting of history.

If anybody wants me, I'll be in the guest bathroom, feeling humiliated.

Oh, come on, Oscar.

Oh.

Oh, you... just want your juice. Okay.

Well, you were right not to feel jealous.

What are you talking about?

All this time, I just wanted you to see what a catch I was, but now I realize that the real catch has always been you. [Sighs]

I was just enjoying my French press, and...

[Sighs]

What am I gonna do?

The science fair is in two hours, and I got nothing!

I can't even find my football phone.

You can enter my volcano into the science fair, Eddie.

The world deserves to see it.

Tight! Thank you.

Okay, walk me through it.

Okay, so you know how the earth's crust is broken up into 17 tectonic...

Let me stop you right there.

Too complicated. No one's gonna believe I made that.

Oh, fine. Come over here and I'll cough in your ear.

It's too late for that.

The incubation period for chickenpox is at least 48 hours.

This sucks. I did everything right.

I even went to the library and researched it.

Wait. You did research?

That's how I knew the virus was airborne.

I should be covered in a skin rash that starts at my torso and works its way down to my limbs in a period of three to seven days.

Damn you, varicella zoster virus!

What?

Eddie, you may not have caught the chickenpox, but you caught something better...

Knowledge.

Oh, snap! I accidentally learned!

But I still don't have a project.

Well, lucky for you, we Huangs have science in our blood.

Evan?

I need poster boards, markers, and glitter glue.

We have 90 minutes, gentlemen. Let's make 'em count.

Come on! Whoo!

I mean, I just didn't see it.

I can't believe my lovedar was broken for so long.

Well, I am so glad that it's fixed now.

You and me both.

[Sighs]

Well, thank you for keeping my knee warm.

Hopefully you can return the favor.

Gladly. [Chuckles]

The old Huang fire rub.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Okay, it feels weird. Really?

No. It's not... [Laughs nervously]

It doesn't feel good.

I...

Hello, Louis.

Oscar. What are you doing here?

Room for dessert?

I'm sorry about storming out before.

I let my emotions get the best of me.

Look, I know nothing ever happened between us, but I was confused about who I was, and I felt safe around you.

Well, that explains all the couples Halloween costumes.

We made a great wham!

['80s pop music playing]

I guess Jessica was right. I do have a blind spot when it comes to people having feelings for me.

I'm sorry if I made things difficult for you, Oscar.

Difficult? You helped me realize who I am.

Without you, I never would've felt confident enough to come out to the world.

Hmm.

And seeing what a great family you and Jessica have, it gives me hope that one day I could find that with somebody, too.

He's out there, and I'm jealous of all the delicious French pastries that guy has in his future.

[Both laugh]

Do you know where Jessica is?

I'd really like to explain things to her as well.

There's a bar she goes to sometimes when she's feeling low.

[Ben Standage's "Relevant Now" playing]

Does she know this is a...

No.

Buy you a drink?

No, thanks.

People have been buying me drinks all day.

The women here are so sweet.

These two sperm bags giving you any trouble?

What's the matter?

You guys tired of running the world?

I'm a gay Asian, okay?

The only thing I run is half-marathons.

Proceed.

Thanks, Bev.

That's why I like to come here.

I can have a drink without being bothered.

Plus, it's all women, so... I feel safe.

Woman: I said I closed out 18.

The hell you did!

[Bottle shatters] Aah!

We should've never moved in together so soon!

I just don't understand.

If you knew you were gay, then why did you even date me?

Was it because you felt bad for me?

Felt bad for you?

Jessica, I'm gonna let you in on a little gay secret.

Rule number one of being in the closet...

If you don't want anyone to suspect you're gay, date the hottest girl in school.

Boobie Johnson?

No, you.

You know, gay men are not the only ones who wanna date the hottest girl in school.

Or at least take her kayaking half a dozen times.

So what you're saying is, it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight.

The one thing we can all agree on is that I am hot.

You need me to do something about this?

Oh, no, this is my husband and my ex-boyfriend.

Okay. Bev and I are going through a rough patch.

She took the Tacoma. I don't know where she went.

Uh... let's go.

I don't like the way this lady's looking at you.

[Chuckles]

Louis Huang... [chuckles] Are you jealous?

[Chuckles] I don't have to be jealous.

It's everybody else who should be jealous... of me.

I got the best one.

But I am also the hottest one.

Yes, you are also the hottest one.

Yo, yo, yo!

The pizza party?!

Oh, my gosh, Eddie. You won?

No, Cindy Horowitz did.

She taught a bird how to use a calculator.

I got a "c" -plus.

But at least I had a project.

I picked this up for you guys on the way home.

Dig in, yo. Yay!

Evan, you can't have dairy!

If an angry pizza delivery boy shows up, you don't know me.

♪ From way up here ♪
♪ it's crystal clear ♪
♪ that now I'm in a whole... ♪

That's my ex-boyfriend.

♪ With you ♪

Mine, too.

Thanks, guys!

Fingers crossed!

I've got a really good feeling about this audition.