02x01 - Family Buisness Trip

[bunniefuu]

1995 has been a big year for the Huang family.

We moved from D.C. to Orlando because my Dad wanted to open his own restaurant.

Eat up my babies.

[Cheering]

But my brother Eddie wasn't happy.

[High-pitched voice] 'Lot of white folks here.'

[normal voice] My brother Emery made friends easily, though.

[As Emery] 'I love love.'

And guess who became a real-estate agent.

'Your mommy, that's who.

Boom!'

Anyway, have a good summer, Curtis.

Your friend, Evan Huang."

And who do I make this out to?

[Sighs] I can't believe you're graduating.

So stoked... for high school, to spend the summer with my mom.

She deejays at the Radisson.

Oh. Good for her.

Good luck surviving the 7th grade next year.

See you around the neighborhood.

[Sighs]

[School bell rings]

Oh! What if you got a tattoo?

No good...

I might want to be Jewish someday.

What are you guys talking about?

Barefoot Dave: Summer vacation.

We have to come back next year wearing fresh gear or with an awesome story.

Or we'll be stuck eating lunch with the janitor all year.

Did you know he's writing a musical about New Jersey?

'Cause you will.

Better have proof to back up your story, or you'll wind up like "fake" Kate Anderson.

And we walked into dollywood, and I saw Dolly's house.

Boy: Liar! Where are your souvenirs? [Gasps]

She eventually went to Dollywood over Christmas break, but it was too late.

Yo, I know this already. I'm set.

Is your family going on vacation?

[Snickers, laughing]

[Sighs] Ohh, that's funny.

I used the money I made working weekends at my dad's restaurant to buy something awesome.

Let's just say I'm pumped for the fall.

Vew '95 reebok pumps.

Check it.

[Air pumping]

[Air hisses]

Magic.

Science.

I'mma show up on the first day of 7th grade fresh as hell.

So, what are you gonna do all summer?

You are looking at it.

♪ This is how we do it ♪
♪ This is how we do it ♪
♪ Sha-la-la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Sha-la-la, la, la, ohh ♪
♪ This is how we do it ♪
♪ Sha-la, la-la, la, la ♪

We interrupt this music video with breaking news.

John stockton has been seen wearing reebok pumps.

I repeat, John Stockton has been seen wearing reebok pumps.

Come on, son!

Better give those to your dad or your white neighbor, 'cause they over.

Happy labor day, Hunter.

S02E01
Family Business Trip

♪ fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Door closes]

You don't need so many suits.

The convention is only two days.

All the franchise power players are gonna be there.

I need to make a good impression.

"Which one's Louis Huang?

Oh, he's the steakhouse owner in the sharkskin suit."

Or "he's the Chinese guy."

"In the sharkskin suit."

Mommy, guess what.

My last baby tooth is loose.

Oh, looks like it's time for another visit from the tooth fairy.

"Evan, clean your room. The tooth fairy."

I look forward to the fairy's constructive criticism.

Mom, when can we go back-to-school shopping?

Right now!

Emery, here's Eddie's old clothes.

Evan, here's Emery's.

I've got some good stuff in there.

You're gonna love it.

What are these?

No more velcro. You're old enough for laces now.

No more velcro, your last baby tooth... congratulations. You're in the big-kid club.

But I'm the baby. "Baby Evan"?

It's my brand.

Mom, I'm begging you... I need new school gear.

It starts in a week, and I have nothing!

I already bought you new t-shirts for school, the kind you like... with black men on them.

These guys aren't rappers!

They were the gangsters of the sales bin.

[Doorbell rings]

[Sighs] Louis: Jessica, I can't find my suspenders.

In the closet!

Ready for book club?

White wine and "misery"! [Chuckles]

It's Chablis. don't be pissed.

Thank you.

Okay.

I haven't even started it. [Door closes]

With work and the house and then the kids being home all summer, I just...

You know, you should really think about getting away.

I can't just leave them, honey.

Although, I have thought about it... just packing a bag and just getting out of here.

There's this town in south Texas.

I would paint portraits, get a St. Bernard, rebuild a muscle car.

N-no. I didn't mean you should abandon your family.

I meant you should just consider taking them on a little vacation.

[Laughing]

[Laughing] "Vacation."

[Laughing]

You're funny.

Louis and I don't believe in vacations.

Hey, boss, do we get vacation days?

Your job is a vacation... from poverty.

Louis: I still can't find my suspenders!

[Sighs] Suspender... working-man accessory.

Holds up the business.

Louis, your suspenders are right here, next to your...

So, big business trip, huh?

National franchise convention... biggest in central Florida.

They say that's where the burger man became the Burger King.

Okay, so, if this is a business trip, why did you pack your swimsuit?

There's a pool at the hotel, and a lot of meetings happen there.

To put under my back.

I'll be on my feet all day long at seminars.

And it's being held at Gator World?

Gator World, the home of the scariest ride in Florida, "the death roll"?!

♪ Jumpin', bumpin', thrivin' gators ♪
♪ Rides and shows and alligators ♪
♪ Grab the family, come on down ♪
♪ You better swim, or you might drown ♪

This is gonna save my entire 7th grade year!

Can we please, please, please go on vacation to Gator World?

I thought we didn't believe in vacations, Louis?

This isn't a vacation. It's a business trip.

The conference is at the hotel next to Gator World.

It has nothing to do with the park itself.

Okay, fine.

If this is a business trip, then you won't mind if we come with you.

Yeah, if you want.

But I'll be in back-to-back seminars all day.

Oh, we can entertain ourselves.

Everybody, pack your bags.

We're going on a family business trip.

Yeah!

Yeah.

"The death roll"? Sounds like a violent ride.

That's the point, son.

If you live, you get an "I survived 'the death roll'" t-shirt.

That's my key to flossin' through 7th grade.

Oh, how sweet. Some of my friends have come to say bye to me.

I'll write you every day.

Eddie and grandma: ♪ off I-4, Gator World, come and soar ♪
♪ Chomp, chomp, Gator World ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

These guys aren't with the convention.

Must be college kids. [Chuckles]

Man: Franchisees in the house!

[Keyboard clacks]

Welcome to Gator World hotel and resort.

I'm gator Carol. How can I help you today?

Hi. Reservation for Louis Huang.

And how many people will be staying in the room?

[Grunts] How many people are allowed to stay in the room before we incur an additional charge?

Two adults and two children.

That's how many will be staying in the room.

These two are just visitors... family in the area.

We're just catching up. [Chuckles]

Mm.

Well, if you're staying with the conference, then you can upgrade to the executive suite for just $20 more.

[Chuckles] I bet we can. No, thank you.

See, that's how they get you... all these additional fees.

[Sighs] Okay, Mr. Huang.

I see you've booked a spa massage and a dinner reservation at Csonka's steakhouse?

N-no, that's a mistake.

[Keyboard clacks] Okay.

It shows here that you called ahead to request the end cut of the prime rib?

Mm... Nope, must be someone else. [Chuckles nervously]

You faxed over a copy of your credit card and your driver's license to hold the reservation.

[Gasps] Data breach.

Clear identity theft. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles nervously]

Gator Ramone can take your bags.

Okay.

Oh, I know what you want.

Dollar-dollar bag, right? No, thank you.

We are fine.

Mommy, bao-bao.

Pick you up? You can walk.

[Sadly] Bao-bao.

We are gonna get our money's worth.

♪ Hey, little suckers, I know you hear me callin' ♪
♪ On the hood of your wick-wack low-ridin' Cadillac ♪

And we are not gonna be suckers.

♪ The masta ace don't play when it comes to my bass ♪
♪ Aahhhh, check it out, baby, check it out, y'all ♪
♪ Check it out, baby, check it out, y'all ♪
♪ Check it out, baby ♪
♪ I was born to roll ♪

Mom, can we go to Gator World now?

Later. We have to go to the pool first.

[Sighs]

Oh, I guess you won't be able to come, Louis, because you'll be too busy with business.

That's right. Lots of business.

Do you want me to call the DMV for you, the credit-card company... you know, about your identity theft?

Um, yeah. That'll be great.

As long as you don't mind paying for local calls.

When we get home, then.

Hm, okay.

Hi. I'm gator Octavio. Towel?

Oh, so you can charge us a towel-rental fee?

No, thank you.

We will be using God's towel... the sun.

Go.

Jessica: Thousand-year-old black egg with tofu and grass jelly drink.

Wait 20 minutes to go in the pool.

[Clicks tongue]

[Indistinct conversations]

[All cheering]

[Shivering]

Mom, when can we go to Gator World?

I said, "later."

Um, if you're gonna bring outside food here, I have to charge you.

Now... we can go now.

Chomp, chomp, Gator World.

Hey, help here, please.

[Screaming in distance, alligator growls]

Tickets.

We're staying in the hotel.

Hotel is separate.

You got to buy tickets to get into the park.

Except for our handi-capable friends... you can come on in for free.

Fine. How much are tickets?

$55 for adults. $45 for kids.

$2 off if you bring your own cat to feed to the gators.

[Cat meows]

That's ridiculous.

What kind of sucker would pay those inflated prices?

I'll have an order of the $20 hot wings and another round of bud lights.

For a few dollars more, you can upgrade to the collector cups.

Mm...

[Deep voice] Do it.

[All cheering]

Kids 5 and under get in free.

They're all 5 and under.

These two are 5 and under.

This one is 5 and under.

Nice try, kid.

But you're wearing sneakers with laces.

Good eye, gator Dan.

Can't get anything past this guy.

But, mom, I need to go on that ride!

Okay, calm down. We'll go on a ride.

Man: Parking lot "c."

Parking lot "crocodile."

Parking lot "c."

This is just as fun as any ride in there.

Aah!

[People screaming]

Whoo!

And then I said, "hey, I don't need your tax advice, Scottie Pippen."

[Laughter]

Jessica: What are you doing here?!

Melanie! Jessica! Louise?!

Rebecca! Janice! Gloria!

[All sigh]

I thought you were supposed to be at the convention center.

Oh, heh, well, uh, some of the guys here, they...

[sighs]

You are ruining my vacation!

I knew this was a vacation! I knew it!

Well, you got me, Jessica. You win.

For two days a year, I drink bud lights, play tennis, and eat hot wings.

Moving to the white suburbs has made you soft.

Woman, I've been soft!

I've been taking business trips for years, ever since I worked at Steve's furniture store in D.C... the mattress expo in Philly, the credenza-con in Delaware.

The upholstery seminars in Montreal?

Oui.

[Sighs]

Boys, your mother and I need to talk. Go to your rooms.

[Sleeping bags zippering]

I didn't tell you because I know... [Sighs] you think vacations are a waste of time.

Well, I thought you thought that, too!

Well, I need this.

A couple days away recharges me.

It's how I stay so positive.

Oh, so, you think I don't need a break, too?

The difference is I can't just check out for a few days or our whole family would fall apart!

That's not true.

You can loosen the reins a little.

We'll be fine.

No, that's what you think.

But if I do... oh.

What?

We splurge a bit? Spend a little money?

We can afford to.

It's a part of being on vacation.

Eddie: Preach it, big man.

[Sighs]

Look, we work hard all year, no one harder than you.

Just let go for a day and relax.

I don't know how to relax.

It seems like a waste of time.

I could be marinating meat or driving.

It's easy. I'll show you.

First...

Oh, aah...

Louis: Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

I know it's free, but it's freezing in here.

You see, a part of being on vacation is enjoying yourself.

I'm gonna book you a massage at the spa.

No, don't!

Uhp-bup!

Loosen the reins, remember?

Let me handle this.

Now, you put on the hotel robe and slippers.

[Door opens]

Go on.

Boys.

Remember that piece of paper your mother b*rned?

That's something called room service.

I'm gonna show you how it works.

Dad, can I go to Gator World?

Of course you can.

I'm in charge of the vacation now.

Whoo! [Chuckles]

I want to stay here and learn room service.

[Chuckles] That's fine.

I can go by myself.

The park's just across the street.

Well, I drove a bus when I was 11, so I'm fine with that.

What about you, Evan?

What does it matter?

Every step we take in our non-velcro shoes is another step towards the grave.

Great, so Evan will stay here, too.

[Peaceful music plays]

Welcome, Jessica.

Now, before we get started, do you have any injuries that...

Oh.

Um, you're supposed to take your clothes off before you get under the sheet.

Why? So you can go through my pockets?

Are you holding your purse?

Yes.

I'm just gonna take your purse, okay?

[Whines] No. And I'm gonna put it right here on the floor so you can see it through your face hole.

Just let go, Jessica.

I can't. I can't let go!

Just let go.

I ca... [Gasps]

[Sighs] Thank you. [Chuckles]

[Sighs]

And press.

[Whales singing]

Is that John tesh?

No, it's an underwater recording of humpback whales singing.

Why would whales be singing?

To communicate their joy.

What do you do for joy, Jessica?

I micromanage my family.

[Chuckles]

Well, I think the whales are happy because they're free.

But they're so fat.

Not in the sea.

Underwater, they're weightless... weightless and free.

[ Singing continues]

[Voice breaking] They are free.

[Sighs] There we go.

They sing...

Because they are happy and free.

[Sobs]

I want to... you're standing in front of my purse a little.

I can't see it.

Oh. Sorry.

That's better. Thank you.

[People screaming in distance]

Just need that t-shirt.

[Slurps] [ Whales singing]

[Sighs]

John Tesh. Nice. [Chuckles]

I take it you enjoyed your massage.

I love being on vacation.

I just wish we didn't have to go home.

Well, that's how you know you enjoyed yourself.

Now, you head up to the room and take a long bath.

I'll check out for us.

I'm proud of you.

You learned how to relax.

[High-pitched voice] What the hell is this?!

Is there a problem with your bill?

Of course there's something wrong with my bill!

Why is it so high?!

Well, it is for six people, sir.

"A-a additional occupancy fee, resort fee, share fee"?

Oh, those are our hidden fees.

That's how we get ya!

Well, what's a... $60 for a poolside hairdo?

Hm.

[ Whales singing]

Hidden fees. That's how they get you.

I didn't do the math! I'm on vacation!

So am I, so I couldn't protect you from this.

[Sighs]

You're watching out for us so I don't have to.

I can be me because I have you.

[ Singing continues]

Give me the bill.

Hello.

So, I was just going through our bill, and we will not be paying any of your hidden fees.

Ma'am, you can't choose what part you pay.

Yes, I can.

Tell them what happened, baby.

I was running by the pool 'cause there's no lifeguard on duty.

And no posted signage. And no posted signage.

And I fell.

And my tooth was knocked out of my head.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Your bill didn't include my child-disfigurement fee.

And that's how I get you.

Oh, we also have AAA, so it's another 10% off.

I can't believe you got the hotel charges reduced.

You are on a different level.

Good job, my baby.

Thanks, mommy.

The baby is back.

Was that true? Did you really fall by the pool and lose your tooth?

No. Mom ripped it out with her hands.

Grandma Huang: Hey...

[People screaming in distance]

[Dramatic music plays]

[Vomits]

I d*ed, and they brought me back!

Aw, hell no!

[Screaming continues]

So, we were cliff-diving off the coast when I saw them in the water... Sharks.

I grabbed my harpoon...

Dude, that's, like, a baby tooth.

What? No.

It's a tooth from a hammerhead shark.

They're smaller a-and flatter.

More like a "babyhead" shark.

[Laughter] Boy: "Babyhead."

[Sighs] Okay, fine.

I didn't do anything this summer except for sit around and play video games.

That's cool.

Nicole?

What are you doing here?

I have to repeat the 8th grade.

Partied too much with my mom and blew off summer school.

Wish I'd done nothing like you.

You know this kid?

Yeah, he's my friend.

You just chilled at home. I like it.

You're like... "Chill" Eddie.

"Somebody stop me!"

From what?

No, what... no. It's...

"Smokin'!"

"The Mask"? Jim Carrey?

"Smokin'!"