06x15 - Commencement

[bunniefuu]

["POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYS]

Jessica, our son is valedictorian of Harvard.

Crazy.

Louis, pipe down.

I gave you one rule for today, remember?

[BOSTON ACCENT] Don't talk in a wicked Boston accent to order lobster chowder?

Okay, fine. Two rules.

And it's not crazy he's up there.

He's always shown signs of greatness.

Breakfast is served, suckas. [WARBLING]

Boom. A literal food pyramid made from all food groups.

Frozen fish sticks form the base, so give her a sec to thaw before diving in.

- food groups?
- Why is it moving?

I still can't believe you got a on your SAT.

I still can't believe you haven't told Mom yet.

Boys, think.

I'm a high-school junior who doesn't listen well.

- Fair.
- Cautiously following.

I'll tell Mom my score when I really need a get-out-of-jail-free card,

like, for example, I'm in jail.

- Yeah.
- Eddie, clean up the mess

- you made in the kitchen.
- I got a on my SATs.

- What?!
- Wow.

[LAUGHS] Eddie, I can't believe it!

I did it.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

You really got a on the SAT?

Yep. A on the verbal and... whatever's left in math.

Amazing. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

See, Louis?

Me pushing Eddie all these years is finally paying off.

Top-tier colleges are back in play.

The football teams get worse, but the starting salaries skyrocket.

You did fill in the oval letting schools get your test scores, right?

I filled in every oval I saw... you know, better my chances.

, ladies and germs.

- - - .

Well, I better clean my pyramid mess.

No, no, no. You stay.

You deserve to rest.

[ALL GASP]

I'll do the dishes. What the heck.

Maybe I'll even reconnect the dishwasher.

[BOYS GASP]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Was that a hug?

I've never seen your mother this happy.

That includes our wedding day, but definitely not our wedding night.

We went for it.

Gross.

I don't trust this.

It's like when a stranger offers you candy to get in their van.

I mean, you take it... free candy... but it never ends well.

Please tell me you've never gotten in a stranger's van before.

Eddie, your mom doesn't get to experience pure joy often.

She refuses to watch "Police Academy", doesn't "get dogs", calls Weird Al a hack.

Let her have this.

Eddie, forget the kitchen.

We're going out to celebrate!

Cele-what? Girl, I got school.

Not today. School can wait.

[ALL GASP]

[GASPS, CHUCKLES]

Dibs on the first dishwasher load.

♪ Baby, I got your money ♪

♪ Hey, Dirty ♪

♪ Baby, I got your money, don't you worry ♪

♪ I said hey, Dirty ♪

♪ Baby, I got your money ♪

♪ Hey, Dirty ♪

[RAPPING] ♪ Dance if you caught up in the Holy Ghost trance ♪

♪ If you stop, I'm-a put the k*ller ants in your pants ♪

♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see ♪

♪ I'm just Dirt Dog trying to make some money ♪

♪ So give me my streaks and give me my honey ♪

♪ None of you, nuh, better look at me funny ♪

♪ Nuh, you know my name, now gimme my money ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Man, I look like "Boyz n the Hood" Ice Cube,

Asian-boy edition.

Dope.

Mother and oval-filling son.

This stays here.

I don't want your Ivy League roommates drooling over your mother's flawless skin.

I don't know about the Ivy League.

I do! That changed the game.

We need to update your life-chart.

Evan has dibs on president, but we can Kennedy this thing, and you could be his attorney general.

Emery can be the drunk with the square head.

[SIGHS]

Oh, no.

Mom wrote "A Case of a Kn*fe to The Brain : The Second Kn*fe"?

I'm penning my memoir.

I want to get my life story down before things get intense in high school.

It'll be way less intense if you keep that to yourself.

I can't be America's first Doctor-President without publishing a memoir.

I even mocked up a cover.

I'll update the photo when I'm old enough to run, maybe grow some stubble for the ladies... crucial demo.

Cool.

I've outlined my next chapter...

"Evan Huang, HOA Vice President".

♪♪

MATTHEW: How do you think this guy went out?

Big-game hunter, or stepped in front of the wrong logging truck?

Pushing that much girth around the woods?

Heart disease all day.

Hey!

Mom lifted her bumper-sticker ban.

She wants you to put this on the Cattleman's delivery car.

EDDIE: Great.

That's what you want on your bumper during rush hour.

Very rear-end-able.

You have a minute to talk?

Boss Talk or Dad Talk?

Dad Talk.

Okay.

It's me, Dad. What's up?

So, I've been thinking a lot about college ever since our UCLA trip.

- Great trip.
- Great trip, but I don't think I want a regular school.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I want to go to culinary school.

Culinary school?

- Like for cooking.
- I know what it means... sorta.

This is big, Eddie.

I know you're working at the restaurant with me, but I didn't realize you were that passionate about this.

I didn't either, until it dawned on me the thing I always get excited about is food...

[FAJITAS SIZZLING]

♪♪

♪♪

... creating it, cooking it, eating it.

I love food, Dad!

I love food, too, son. [CHUCKLES]

I love food, too.

You're following in my footsteps.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, my restaurant footsteps, not my Cha Cha King of Taipei footsteps.

Ain't nobody following those.

Well, I'm glad you're open to culinary school.

Ma won't be.

Yeah.

No way she had this on my life-chart.

Hey, why don't you make her a meal, show her your stuff, and then we can talk about culinary school together?

Yeah, that'd be sick!

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪

"Evan Huang for HOA Vice President:

One Deidre Heartbeat Away".

You said you worked as a mall elf to "help my needy brothers"?

I worked as a mall elf to help you!

Uh, time out.

You read my memoir?

Please tell me you wore the document gloves sitting next to it.

You stole my story. You lied!

I'm just giving readers what they want... a hero.

Who cares about the details?

I do.

You can't be president if you lie.

It's un-American.

Calling the first Asian President un-American?

Pretty r*cist.

[SIGHS]

♪♪

This is amazing.

Your mom will have to consider culinary school.

Each dish is inspired by her...

Anti-Hobo Stew, Chicken a la Stephen King,

- Aw Hell Gnocchi.
- [CHUCKLES]

I was out at the mailbox,

- and I saw Deidre in the window.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Dummy took minutes to notice my sweatshirt.

- What's all this?
- Oh, I made dinner for you.

Why? [GASPS]

Oh, you put a baby in that redhead, didn't you?

- Jessica!
- Whoa!

No.

I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done for me.

Aww!

You got a and you cook.

You are going to make some woman I choose a great husband.

[SIGHS] So, Mom, I was hoping we could talk.

Sure.

What did you want to... [GASPS LOUDLY]

Eddie got a letter from Harvard.

I'll open it so you don't cut your test fingers.

Okay with you? Great!

Aah!

[INHALES DEEPLY] "Dear Edwyn Huang, we received your SAT scores and want to schedule an interview with one of our alumni"?

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Ah!

Harvard wants to send an alum here to my house to interview Eddie, my son.

LOUIS: No chance they send Bill Gates, right?

Because I still can't get the printer to do landscape.

I got to get moving. I got to call Connie to gloat.

I got to redecorate the house to Ivy League standards, polish the fine china.

Fun fact... that's my bowling nickname.

Dad, I want to go to culinary school.

Do I really have to do this interview?

It'd just be a waste of time.

Not for your mom.

Ho, ho, ho!

Not a "yo mama" joke. Sorry.

Eddie, she's worked hard your whole life to give you this opportunity.

Just let her have this, and then we can talk to her about culinary.

Fine. I'll do it... for her.

Good. And if, for whatever reason, cooking school doesn't pan out...

Pan out. Nice.

... Harvard is not the worst backup.

Speak for yourself.

I ain't built for those Pennsylvania winters.

No, Harvard is... Yeah.

- Aah! [LAUGHS]
- Ahh.

Pay up, Barbie.

Hey, why are you so quiet there, Emory, huh?

Those freshman girls got your tongue? [LAUGHS]

Evan's writing a memoir, and he's stealing stories, making things up.

Well, he's just spinning yarns like we used to do in the Navy... harmless.

Not like those dirty Marines.

They're actual liars.

N... O-kay. You can g...

Emery, your brother's in eighth grade.

That's a tough time.

- He's probably just tooting his own horn.
- Yeah.

Maybe I am overreacting.

I'm glad you guys think it's okay since you're all in his memoir, too.

- We are?
- Yeah?

Yeah. You should see how he described Liza's birth.

- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, Marvin! Where are the keys?

- This baby is coming!
- I can't find 'em!

Oh, this is all too much, even for a Navy man.

[GASPS] Oh, no.

Ohh. I'm fainting.

Oh, who could blame you?

There's not a man alive who can handle this kind of pressure.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

I will deliver the baby.

[HEROIC FANFARE PLAYS]

Honey, give me two deep breaths.

- , ...
- [BREATHING DEEPLY]

[BABY COOING]

There she is.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- We'll call her Liza.

[COOING CONTINUES]

I had a -hour labor with a rare diagonal breach, no epidural, and that nerd is trying to take it away from me?

I warned Evan, but he didn't listen.

He's stubborn.

That's why he'll be a good politician.

He only cares about the votes.

And Navy men don't faint!

They pass out and hit the ground hard with their pants off and their shoes on, like men.

[WOOD CREAKS]

Why does our house look like a Vermont B&B inside a whaling ship?

I want Harvard to feel at home for Eddie's interview.

- The theme is "New England Snoot".
- Smart.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- EDDIE: Ma, do I really have to wear all this?

I mean, look at me.

- I want to kick my ass.
- Eddie, you look great... like a hip s IBM executive.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [GASPS]

Places. Places, everyone.

TOGETHER: [MAINE ACCENT] Afta-noon!

Hello. That wasn't creepy at all.

[NORMAL VOICE] Andy Richter?

[NORMAL VOICE] You know this intelligent man?

Oh, he's the co-host of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".

- The talk show?
- I understand zero of those words.

Yeah, it's a great job.

I sit on the couch and laugh at Conan's jokes.

- Hey, me too. [CHUCKLES]
- Alright, look, it's not that easy, okay?

I mean, there's... lights and stuff.

So, Andy, you're a Harvard alum?

Oh, God, no. My name is Andy. Come on.

[CHUCKLES] No, but Conan is, and sometimes he does interviews for them, and then he asks me to do the interviews for him.

Mm. I like this Conan.

Eh, everybody does. He's Conan.

He's tall, he's handsome, he signs my checks.

So, uh, can I get you anything?

Tea? Something to eat?

My "Simpsons" spec script to give to Conan?

- Uh, no, it's alright. I'll just talk to Eddie.
- Okay.

And you know what? I will have something to eat.

And drink.

Evan, thank you for the block-party update.

My pleasure.

Gonna be a scorcher out there, so sunscreen up, girls.

- [WOMEN MURMUR]
- Up next are elections for HOA Vice President.

Any nominations?

Uh, I nominate Emery Huang.

[GASPS]

- I accept.
- [SCOFFS]

For those who don't know me, I'm a spelling-bee champ, writing a memoir, and love a tucked-in polo!

- Those are my credentials.
- [WOMEN CHUCKLING]

Just giving people what they want.

It takes a lot of marbles to sideswipe the guy holding a wooden hammer.

- [GASPS]
- Ooh!

Whoa, Eddie. You really nailed the SATs.

What was that like?

Tough. I filled in so many ovals,

I didn't have the strength to zip up my pants for a week.

Well, zippers are complicated.

I think the Amish are ahead of the curve on that one.

JESSICA: Oh, don't mind me.

Just taking Eddie's cello to the conservatory.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh! Cello... the man's violin.

Well, actually, I'm more of a beatboxer.

No kidding! Let 'Er rip.

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam ♪

No, no, over here, ignore that now!

Eddie's telescope.

Houston, we have a genius.

Gosh, maybe it would be easier if I just interviewed you.

Great idea.

Well, uh, Eddie, do you have any questions for me, for Conan, for Harvard?

Yes.

How hard will they make him work?

Eddie loves hard work.

- Huh?
- Huh.

Well, he didn't at first.

I've always had to push him to succeed.

♪♪

Eddie, focus!

Aah! Where's my bed?!

Beds are for people who work hard.

Recommit yourself to school and hard work, you get your bed back.

- Mom?
- For the next three months while I'm busy studying for grad school, you will be by my side PSAT prepping.

Study buddies.

Wow. You've really done a lot for Eddie.

I drive my boys to be the best.

Jessica don't raise mediocre.

That's actually very helpful to hear.

Yes, that's why I said it.

Alright, well, uh, I've got to get going.

"Conan" has another interview in Daytona Beach.

Uh, hey, Andy.

Uh, complimentary basket of oranges.

My "Simpsons" spec script is on the bottom.

Homer takes Lisa square dancing and then loses her.

- It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, perfect.

They're always hungry for ideas from the random public.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Really? That's great.

[GASPS] Mm.

So, what did you think of Eddie?
What will you tell the school?

Should I preorder my license plate for him now?

Okay, look, I've done a lot of these things, and Harvard is not gonna be a fit.

What?

Oh, it was his mouth-rapping, wasn't it?

Oh, no, no, that was excellent...

I mean, Michael Winslow-nian.

No, i-it's not so much Eddie as it is you.

Me?

Yeah, you're a bit of a helicopter mom, and Harvard's found that, when a parent is so... invested that the kid tends to fizzle out once they're finally on their own.

Eh, helicopter mom, that's not me.

Hey, who put this in my room?

Well, thanks for the oranges.

[DOOR OPENS]

Eddie can't go to Harvard because of me.

- Jessica.
- I pushed you your whole life for a school like Harvard, but I pushed too hard.

- I failed you.
- What?

No, I wasn't that big on Harvard anyways.

I mean, their mascot's a friggin' color.

Well, I guess there are other top schools.

Why, it is the Ivy League after all.

Or there are other options.

Okay, new plan!

We go to the schools to interview.

We ambush them.

I'll find the admissions director, tell him that if he doesn't accept Eddie, it's time for some smacks... hitting smacks, not kissing smacks.

Ma, you don't have to do that.

Of course I do. I ruined Harvard!

You didn't ruin it, because I didn't want to go to college.

I want to go to culinary school.

[OMINOUS CHORD STRIKES]

Then I guess I really did fail you as a mother.

♪♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay. I'll tally the votes.

Hey, dingbat. What the "H" was that?

You took credit for my success, plucked my feathers for your cap.

I was just proving a point.

Well, this isn't a joke, kid.

- This is the doggone HOA Vice Presidency!
- Mm.

Doesn't feel so good when someone steals your story, does it?

The dark underbelly of plagiarism.

Evan, you saw how everyone reacted when I shared your story.

It's powerful enough on its own.

When you get to high school, the operating room, the oval office...you don't need to be anything other than who you are.

I love that guy.

Alright, y'all.

Congrats to the new Vice President, Emery Huang! [CHUCKLES]

- [APPLAUSE]
- This... This is why we need to do away with the popular vote.

[R&B MUSIC PLAYS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪♪

Here's the thing, kids, but I've taken this sucker to miles an hour on a residential street.

MATTHEW: Taking the ranch on the road.

Brings me back to my Dolly days... minus the groupies and the wigs.

Oh, you worked at Dollywood?

I wasn't sure, because you haven't mentioned it since yesterday.

[UTENSIL THUDS]

Yo, Pops. Ma's not doing so well.

LOUIS: Oh, yowza. Mac and cheese?

And we're out of LACTAID.

This is my fault.

I shouldn't have pushed you to do that interview.

No, it's my bad.

I knew she'd hate culinary school, but I thought she'd be mad, not sad.

I broke Mom.

- [FEEDBACK]
- MEATBALL: Okay, everybody.

Let's keep that energy going for Jessica Huang, who's singing next.

[APPLAUSE]

["DES'REE'S "YOU GOTTA BE" PLAYS]

♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪

♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪

♪ Try and keep your head up to the sky ♪

- Oof. I heard Harvard's out.
- ♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪

Yeah, well, Andy Richter called her a bad mom.

- ♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪
- [CHUCKLES]

- Aw, hell no.
- ♪ Show up and be counted ♪

♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪

♪ Herald what your mother said ♪

♪ Read the books your father read ♪

♪ Try to solve your puzzles in your own sweet time ♪

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm ♪

♪ You gotta stay together ♪

♪ All I know, all I know, love will save the day ♪

♪ Time asks no questions ♪

♪ It goes on without you ♪

♪ Leaving you behind ♪

If you try to suspend our son because of this, we will sue everyone in this school.

♪ You can't stop it if you try to ♪

♪ The best part is danger... ♪

If Oscar Chow hadn't dumped me,

I never would have met your father.

I wouldn't be here.

And that would be tragic.

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ All I know, all I know, love will save the day ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪♪

Okay, I hope you're not wearing synthetic fibers,

'cause they're about to set the dance floor on fire.

It's Honey and Marvin.

- ["LOVE SHACK" PLAYS]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ You see a faded sign by the side of the road ♪

♪ That says miles to the ♪

♪ Love shack! ♪

- Eddie, you didn't need to do that.
- Yes, I did.

Think about all the times you've swooped in to save me.

You've always been there for me.

You're the best mom ever.

I'm not terrible?

Sure, you pushed me... a lot.

Like, I'm probably gonna have to go talk it through with a professional at some point, but I'm glad you did, because it taught me to fight for what I want.

Dirty if you have to.

[SIGHS]

I know it's not what you planned, but I want to go to culinary school.

And I just want what's best for you.

That's all I ever wanted.

I know, but I'm not gonna quit.

I'm never gonna quit, because I'm Jessica Huang's kid.

[CHUCKLES]

MARVIN: You're what?

Tiiiiin roof!

- Oh.
- Rusted!

♪♪

Amazing duet yesterday.

I would've joined in, but Chestnut threw

- a piping-hot potato wedge at Trent.
- Good.

You do that thing where you cup your ear, but it's still pitchy.

Uh, it's called harmonizing?

Look, about Eddie.

I know we always wanted him to go to college, but he has his own dreams.

Louis, we worked so hard to get him here.

He has a golden opportunity.

I don't want him to throw it all away.

Well, you know, we were his age when we left Taiwan, and isn't this why, so our kids could pursue their own dreams?

How am I so bad at fake skateboarding and you're a god?

You got slow thumbs, Eddie.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Tina, can you give us a minute?

You got it, Jess.

Still weird.

So, are you still into this whole cooking-school thing?

Yeah.

Okay, fine. You can go.

- Really?!
- That's it?

No one's going to stop my son from getting what he wants, not even me.

But you are going to the top one.

[SIGHS] Really, Mom?

Another life-chart?

This one...

you fill out yourself.

I'd use a pencil, son.

You never know. Things can change.

And I reserve the right to correct whatever you get wrong.

Like it or not, I'm not going anywhere.

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Ohh. I'm so proud of him.

Our little Evan.

... and my brother, Emery, who taught me to be true to myself.

And now he's starring in cellphone commercials.

I'm sure you've all heard his catchphrase.

"No, boss, it's a text message!"

- [LAUGHTER]
- You know, Louis,

I'm actually glad your mother's here, even like this.

I'm going to be a big Ole mess later.

EDDIE: Yo, when this thing wrap up?

I got Trent running my restaurant, and his narcolepsy's flaring up.

- I don't know how, but we did it.
- Yep.

- I did.
- EVAN: Thank you.

No, I said...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]