01x01 - Alive in Tucson

[bunniefuu]

♪

Man (Over loudspeaker): Hello?

Hello?

Hola?

Bonjour?

Chinese hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

(Screaming)

♪

Home, sweet home.

♪
♪ I think I'm sophisticated ♪
♪ 'cause I'm living my life ♪
♪ like a good h*m* sapien ♪
♪ but all around me ♪
♪ everybody's multiplying ♪
♪ and they're walking around like flies, man ♪
♪ So I'm no better ♪
♪ than the animals sitting in the cages in the zoo, man ♪
♪ 'Cause compared to the flowers ♪
♪ And the birds and the trees ♪
♪ I am an ape man ♪
♪ I'm an ape man ♪
♪ I'm an ape ape man ♪
♪ oh, I'm an ape man ♪
♪ I'm a king Kong man ♪
♪ I'm an ape ape man ♪
♪ oh, I'm an ape man ♪
♪ come on and love me ♪
♪ be my ape man girl ♪
♪ and we'll be so happy ♪
♪ in my ape man world ♪
♪ I'm an ape man ♪
♪ I'm an ape ape man ♪
♪ oh, I'm an ape man ♪
♪ I'm a king Kong man ♪
♪ I'm a voodoo man ♪
♪ oh, I'm an ape man ♪
♪ just like an ape man. ♪

Boop.

(Sighs)

Hello, God.

First of all, uh, apologies for all the recent masturbation, but I got to say, that's kind of on you.

So I just got back from traveling around the country, looking for anyone who might have survived the virus.

Uh, put up a bunch of signs all over the place, saying that I'm here in Tucson.

So, uh, you know, who knows?

And it's not all bad.

I mean, in the old world, I could never live in a house like this.

And these are Hugh Hefner's actual pajamas.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

I washed them.

There are some drawbacks.

(Laughs): I know you know that.

The whole women situation is...

The craps.

If you could send some my way...

Or one my way.

Oh, one more thing.

If you could please send a special thank-you to the previous owner of my new house.

Just let him know I'm gonna take real good care of this place.

(Lever clanks)

(Rattling)

(Whispering): Fixing the toilet.

Fixing the toilet. Fixing the toilet.

(Flushes)

(Car alarm chirps outside)

♪
♪

Salud.

That's a $10,000 bottle of wine, by the way.

Goes great with the spaghettios.

That was, like, a $400 sip.

Not as good.

♪
♪ Sun, shine on me today... ♪

Aw, split.

♪ Sun, dry my tears away ♪
♪ how I need your warm embrace ♪
♪ to shine upon my crying face ♪
♪ sun, shine on me today ♪
♪ sun, give me a little light... ♪

(Tires screeching)

♪ Take me out of this darkened night ♪
♪ You know what a little light can do ♪
♪ You change the sky from black to blue ♪
♪ Sun, shine on me today ♪
♪ sunshine ♪
♪ come on, sunshine ♪
♪ let me have one of your rays ♪
♪ just one ♪
♪ only one... Oh, left, left! ♪

Left, left, left, left! ♪
♪ To get this started ♪
♪ on my way. ♪

Straighten, straighten, straighten! Straight...

Ha!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

(Whooping)

(Exhales)

(Motor running)

No way. No way!

That would never happen!

Tom Hanks (Over TV): That's all that's left.

That is so stupid.

I got news for you, Tom Hanks.

I will never, ever talk to a volleyball.

No, we have time. We do!

We have time.

Not buying it!

Balls aren't people, dude!

I know.

Balls are for fun.

♪ ♪

Hey! Okay, I get it!

Nobody's coming!

You're not giving me anybody.

Well, guess what.

I don't even care!

I don't need people. Okay?

I can make it work on my own.

Watch me! Watch me!

Hey, Phil, what's up?

Oh, I'm great, Phil. How are you?

Oh, I'm doing great. Thank you very much for asking.

See? I'm already doing it.

Ha!

I don't need people.

I'm gonna be just fine.

Morning, Phil.

How are you, Phil?

Fine, Phil, how are you, Phil?

(Cans and bottles clanking)

♪
♪ Take the jib, sail down, boys ♪
♪ Take the jib, sail down ♪
♪ turn this ship around, boys ♪
♪ before we run aground ♪
♪ the fish aren't biting today, boys ♪
♪ Fish aren't biting today ♪
♪ gonna lay on my bunk and get drunk as a skunk ♪
♪ Oh, the fish aren't biting today ♪
♪ There's six-foot waves and my stomach craves ♪
♪ Some good old Antiguan rum ♪
♪ I put some away for a rainy day ♪
♪ And the rain she is starting to come now ♪
♪ The fish aren't biting today, boys ♪
♪ The fish aren't biting today ♪
♪ gonna lay in my bunk and get drunk as a skunk ♪
♪ 'Cause the fish aren't biting today. ♪
♪ Bah, bah, bah-bah ♪
♪ bah ♪
♪ bah-ah-ah ♪
♪ bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah... ♪

Phil: Hey, what's up?

Just had to get out of the house; It's been a rough day.

Hey, I'm gonna have a whiskey.

You want a whiskey, Gary? Whiskey?

You sure? How about you, Jimmy?

No? Okay, well, does anyone want a whiskey, huh?

Greg?

Kevin?

Antawn?

No? Really? Nobody?

Trevor?

Terrence?

Trent? Darby?

Bryce? Marshall?

Peter?

Thomas? Max?

Dashiel?

Diego? Clementine?

Nobody wants a whiskey?!

Okay, well, more for me.

Jerry, now, you look like you lost a little weight.

What, are you exercising, skipping carbs?

Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up.

Okay. Cheersies.

I miss breakfast burritos.

Getting mail.

Skinny jeans on dudes.

Just kidding. Skinny jeans on dudes suck.

People.

And women.

Oh, my God, women.

Oh, I would give anything to see another woman again.

I would, I would never complain about anything ever again...

If I just got to see one more woman.

Hey.

Gary, you want to come hang at my place tonight?

I mean... sh-shut up, guys.

That's really h*m*, Bryce.

Even for you.

That's her.

Well, I don't know her name.

I've never talked to her.

(Laughs): No, Gary, come on!

What would I say?

I'm so bad in these situations.

There is nothing you can say that would convince me to go talk to her, okay?

That's a pretty convincing argument.

Don't honk the horn.

Windows, right?

(Chuckles)

Uh, my friend Gary dared me to come say hi to you.

He's in the truck, the white fella.

Uh, so, anyway, hello, I guess.

(Chuckles)

Actually, I saw you a long time ago, and I always wanted to come say hi, but, well, I don't know, I just, uh...

It never felt like the right time.

I like your outfit.

You make good style choices.

(Laughs): Sorry, I-I'm being so...

Forward.

It's just, I've been through a lot lately.

I just realized that having other people around is really what makes life worth living.

Where are my manners?

I'm Phil.

You win.

You win.

Well, in about two minutes, we will lay to rest Phil Miller.

Uh...

I'm sorry for giving up.

Oh, and I just got to say, huge apology to Tom Hanks and the whole crew that put together castaway.

'Cause they nailed it.

They friggin' nailed it.

You guys were the best friends that I could ask for.

But you're not people.

You're not people.

(Engine starts)

(Engine revving)

♪
♪

(Sniffs)

(Clears throat)

Hello! Hello!

Are you okay?

Um... Uh... I think so.

Wh-where'd you get here? What happened?

I saw all your billboards.

I can't believe you found me!

I... I thought I was...

Your voice is like...

It's like music to my ears.

May I sing to you?

Yeah, I would love that.

♪ If there's something strange ♪
♪ in your neighborhood ♪
♪ who you gonna call? ♪

Both: ♪ Ghostbusters ♪

(humming)

♪ I ain't afraid of no ghost. ♪

Is this a dream? (Laughs)

This is very, very real.

(Chuckles) What are you, uh...?

Like to plug that nose up?

What? What's going...?

(Grunting)

(Both scream)

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I was doing mouth to mouth.

Where did that wo-wo-woman go?!

You passed out, you wet your underpants.

I thought you were dying.

I did not wet my underpants, okay?

They're... oh, they're wet. Ew!

Super wet. But that was from something else before.

I-I was-was, uh, swimming the front, the... the front side.

Okay, I just thought that you were in trouble...

Well, you thought wrong!

That was from something else before, I told you!

I'm not accusing you...

I'm not saying you're accusing me!

I'm telling you they were wet before.

Okay, okay! Oh, gosh!

Okay, back up! Back up!

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Put your hands where I can see them!

Okay, okay, okay, okay...

Hands where I can see them!

Okay, okay.

Drop my bra.

Okay, okay, okay.

No!

Drop it!

Gross.

Are you nice?

What?

Are you a nice person?!

Okay, yes, yes! I'm really nice!

I'm very, very, very nice!

I'm so nice, seriously. I promise you.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing of which to be afraid.

But I just said that.

You can't end sentences with prepositions!

"Nothing of which to be afraid" is the proper grammar!

Fine, yes, okay.

There's nothing of which...

Yes.

Huh?

That's better.

Good with that?

Of which to be afraid, okay?

Mm-hmm.

Huh?

You can trust me, seriously.

Honestly? I did wet my underpants.

They were totally dry before I soaked them.

I soaked them.

Why did you lie to me?

'Cause I'm an adult and I wet my underpants.

Are you the one who put up all those "alive in Tucson" signs?

Yes! Yes! That was me.

That was me. I did that. Look.

I am so sorry.

I haven't seen another human being in, like, two years.

And I was literally about to k*ll myself five minutes ago.

I'm harmless, okay?

Why don't you put that g*n away?

What do you need that g*n out for?

Don't you mean "out for what do you need that g*n"?

Okay, that can't be right.

It is.

No, come on.

No, no, no! You don't have to cock that thing!

Fine. Look.

Out for what do you need that g*n?

Huh?

Come on.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Why don't you put that thing away?

There you go.

I'm a quick draw.

So watch yourself.

Thank you, thank you.

Can we start over?

Yeah, okay.

Phil Miller.

Last man on earth.

Carol Pilbasian.

Last woman on earth.

♪ Amen ♪
♪ amen ♪
♪ amen, amen... ♪