01x08 - Mooovin' In

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Melissa and I... (whispers): had sex.

(laughs): Good for you.

I just keep thinking about if Todd wasn't here.

Todd is here.

Hey, bud, want to go for a ride?

Todd: Nice try, Phil.

I knew you were coming back the whole time.

So did I.

Todd: You know, one of the positives about no people is that we get to see the stars, huh?

Todd, thank you for helping me move my dresser upstairs.

Ah, anytime, Carol.

It was fun, you know?

Gave me a chance to get some one-on-one time with you.

So in a way, it was kind of a selfish move.

Such a sweetie.

Ooh, what's that, Melissa?

Well, someone went out and got me a charm bracelet.

Was that someone's name Todd?

(laughter)

Did Todd get that for you or...?

Yes.

I got it... I got it for her.

Melissa: Todd.

That's so sweet.

Phil's never gotten me anything.

Carol, I got you that rash cream.

I stand corrected.

"Phil's never gotten me anything."

As if.

Guys, I hope you don't mind giving me the floor here for a minute.

I don't know if you know this, but in my spare time, I like to sculpt a little bit.

Anyways, I had a little time on my hands, and, uh...

I made you all this.

(Carol gasps)

Oh, that is so cute.

Thanks.

You have a real gift, Todd.

Isn't that amazing, Phil?

I'm blown away.

It's frigging so awesome, Todd.

Todd: Thanks, buddy. You know, I figured we'd, you know, leave it out here... you know, by-by the campfire.

Carol: That's a great idea!

Hey.

Give me one right here.

Ah. Fell for that old one. (laughs)

Such a sucker.

Well, and I'd fall for it a million times over.

(gasps)

You guys are so adorable.

Yeah, really, really adorable.

Oh! Oh, G-God!

Oh, no!

No!

I accidentally broke Todd's awesome sculpture.

Ah, the Phil fell off.

Melissa: It's okay.

Looks like it was a clean break.

It actually looks good without the Phil.

You know what, I can... I can totally fix that.

Todd.

What can't you do?

Hmm?

Todd: Stop.

Nothing.

Carol! Carol!

What?

Oh, hey.

Can I borrow your DVR?

I've watched everything on mine.

Okay, but this one only has Cake Bosses on it.

Okay, great.

Spoiler alert...

Oh, no, no, I don't want to...

The cake...

Don't.

Won't fit in the...

Ah!

You done?

Van.

(groans)

Yeah.

I gave you so many clues that I didn't want to hear that.

I just didn't want you to get your hopes up about getting the cake there in one piece.

Okay, I understand. Thanks for telling me.

Hey, you know, we could commingle our DVRs if we just lived together.

Carol, you know how I feel about my space.

I know, but the space isn't really helping with our repopulation plan.

I mean, look at Todd and Melissa...

They've known each other for, like, half the amount of time we have, and they're already basically living with each other.

Carol, there's a huge difference between basically living with each other and living with each other.

Well, can you at least fix my door, for Pete's dragon?

Oh, it always comes back to the frigging door!

Forget about it, you scrub.

I'll just get Todd to do it then.

Oh, God! Todd this, Todd that.

"Todd's my hero."

Todd?!

Todd would probably do a better job, and he would do it with a smile on his beautiful face.

Carol, I get no respect in this community!

In fact, the whole reason I came over here in the first place was to fix your door.

I thought it was to borrow my DVR.

Yeah, borrowing your DVR is a subset of fixing this door.

Okay? See?

I'm taking measurements right in front of your eyes.

There we go. Got it.

All right.

You don't have to fix my door, Phil.

I don't? Oh, thank God.

If you let me move in with you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm fixing this door.

Okay, there we go.

Off to the door store.

Gonna remember this measurement.

Phil: I don't know how much longer I can take this whole

Todd lovefest!

"Oh, hi, I'm Todd. Let me kiss your ass, ladies, and do a bunch of nice things for you. Oh, hi, I'm Todd. Check out this stupid crappy sculpture I did."

You guys want to see a sculpture?

This is a frigging sculpture.

It's Thomas.

He's perfect, right?

I mean, I set up this whole frigging community!

None of them would be here right now if it wasn't for me.

And do I get any credit for that?

No, I don't.

Okay, here, I got another one.

It's Diego.

See, Todd, anyone can do this crap!

Look, Todd cannot come in here and steal my thunder.

I mean, I'm the frigging President of the United States of America, for God's sake.

I just wish there was some way I could remind them of how important I am.

Some grand gesture I could make.

Something spectacular.

It's got to be spectacular.

Got to be spectacular.

Come on, think, think, think.

Spectacular. What's spectacular?

What would really blow them away?

What's a...

♪ ♪

You are... frigging... kidding me.

(laughing)

(mooing)

In a moment, I'm gonna open this door, and you're gonna see something that's gonna knock your frigging socks off.

I mean, this is a game changer.

It's... a game changer.

I don't know how else to put it.

Okay, but I have a question.

Yeah?

Is this going to change the game in any way?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Maybe this will answer your question, okay?

Bam.

Wow.

I know, right?

What an incredible empty doorway.

Wh-What?

Wait.

Wow, this is really gonna change the game.

Yeah, I mean, all I'm seeing is a whole lot of empty space for one man living all alone.

It's sad really.

Carol, now's not the time.

Well, it's never the time!

(cow moos)

What?

Holy cow.

Oh, my God!

(laughs)

I thought I'd never see another animal again!

Hi there, little lady.

(laughs)

Melissa: Amazing!

Well, look what I did, huh?

(laughter)

So how do you guys like your burgers?

Ha, ha, Phil, very funny.

The lady prefers steak?

Oh, you're serious?

Phil, we have to keep this cow alive for milk.

Hey, we don't know how to take care of an animal like this.

I mean, this thing will be dead in, like, three weeks.

So let's just do the humane thing and m*rder it now so we can have burgers tonight.

You know, Phil, I might be able to help us out here.

You've k*lled a cow before?

No. As a kid, I used to spend my summers on my uncle's dairy farm.

So you know how to milk it?

I can get you milk, I can churn you butter.

Uh, I can get you yogurt, cheese.

Pretty much anything dairy is at our disposal now.

Melissa: Todd, you're the best!

(laughs)

I'm gonna start calling you the milkman, milkman.

(laughter) TODD: Carol.

With all due respect to the milkman here, who definitely deserves all this praise for basically just standing around, I found this thing, so it'll be my call what happens with it. Okay, Todd?

No, no, no, no, no.

Phil, just because you found the cow doesn't give you the right to decide what we do with it.

Uh, yes, it does.

Clearly you've forgotten about a little something called finders keepers.

Finders keepers?

Are you five years old?

And like clockwork, the losers weep.

Phil, we aren't children, and this isn't a playground.

Doy!

Come on, Phil.

Carol: Yeah, this is ridiculous!

Hey, hey, I'm not trying to fight with you here, okay?

I'm just trying to tell you what I could do if I was a selfish person.

But what I will do, since I'm the ultimate team player, is bypass FK and let this little mother live.

Phil, that's very big of you.

It is a pretty big sacrifice, especially considering someone in our midst might be severely lactose intolerant.

Are you lactose intolerant?

Yes.

Ah, really?

But no worries, you know.

Just seeing the three of you happy is my milk.

Well, aren't you a martyr?

Well, if I'm a martyr, then I guess you're also gonna have to call Christ a martyr.

Todd: Hey, Phil, you know, I have a ton of grass in my backyard.

I'd be more than happy to keep her back there if you want.

Nice try, Todd. No.

I found it; it'll stay right here.

Oh, so a barnyard animal gets to move in with you, but, uh, not your own wife?

Carol, this is perfect for the cow!

All these hard tiles for it to hoof around on.

I mean, look at her, she loves it!

Wh-Whoa, where you going, girl?!

(gasps)

Looks like she's headed to Todd's.

(laughs)

Oh, good, good, good.

Good, good, good, good.

Friggin' Todd.

You like that grass, don't you, little lady? Huh?

I'm sorry, Phil, should we take her back to your place?

Well, I'm sure she prefers my foyer, but, uh, you know, it's been a really big day.

Maybe just tonight we'll, uh, let her stay here. Sure.

Okay, well, let's get you tied up.

My uncle taught me this knot.

It's called a clove hitch.

Yeah, the old clove hitch. Know it well.

Oh, you do?

Everyone does.

Anybody want to learn how to milk a cow?

Yes! I do!

Oh, I do!

Todd: All right.

Carol: Here you go.

Here we go.

So, first you grab the teat like this. Okay? You massage the teat, and then you gently tug on it.

Did you really learn that on your uncle's farm or during your summers working as a male prost*tute? (chuckles)

(Todd laughs)

Todd: That's a good one, Phil.

Yeah, it is a risqué motion, but it gets the job done.

(women gasp)

Milk!

We have milk!

Oh, my gosh!

Todd: Anybody want a sip?

Yeah, I do! Oh, my God!

I do!

Mmm.

It's good, isn't it?

Whoa!

Melissa: Mmm!

Phil, you want a sip?

Uh, God, I'm-I'm sorry, Phil.

I forgot you're lactose intolerant.

Yeah, yeah.

I did say that.

Diagnosed lactose intolerant.

Type 2, the worst type. Yeah.

Sorry.

Todd, tell us more about cows.

Todd: Well, I don't know much.

I know that they can go upstairs, but they can't come downstairs.

Oh, my Uncle Gary was the same way.

Maybe he had some cow genes in him. (laughs)

(laughs): Maybe.

And I know you can't milk a bull.

I learned that the hard way.

(laughter)

A story for another time.

Todd (laughs): Yeah.

(groans loudly)

Oh, God.

You know, the odor of this milk is really triggering my intolerance. Uh, you know, stomach really hurting here. (groans) Okay, well, the pain is worth it when I see the smiles on your faces. I should go, I should go. Enjoy your milk that I found. (groans)

Anybody want a White Russian?

Oh, my God.

(gasps)

Carol: Todd, you're the best.

Todd: Let's get some more milk.

Carol: Oh, my God.

(whispering): Okay, okay, okay.

Here we go. Yes, yes, yes.

(laughs)

Okay.

(door closes)

(moans)

Todd: Something about a woman who can milk a cow.

Gross, Todd.

(scoffs)

Frigging Todd.

Uh-oh, Todd, you big undeserving hero.

Looks like your clove hitch was not cloved enough.

And now their precious milk and cheese and yogurt is going bye-bye.

And who's to blame?

You. (snickers)

Come on, come on.

(clicks tongue) Come on, heel, heel.

Mush, mush.

God, I never thought I'd be excited about a bowl of cereal.

I know. I don't know if I can wait.

Can we just go out to the cow and milk it directly into the bowl?

Todd: Guys!

The cow's gone!

What?!

It's gone!

Look, I know you guys are questioning my decision here, but this is something I had to do.

I got to reclaim this victory.

And that's why I got to go twice-baked potato on their ass.

That's a weird analogy; let me explain.

You bake a potato once, it's delicious.

You bake that same baked potato again, and-and the flavors pop even more.

It's crisper.

It's just, like, an unforgettable potato experience.

But I... hey, hey, hey.

Leave Trevor alone.

Anyway, you know, that's all I'm doing here.

Baking this cow situation again.

You know, I bring the cow back home, again, and I'm a hero again.

You hang in there, girl.

Just got to milk this a little bit longer.

Boom, I still got it.

She's not back here.

(groans)

Hey, there, g*ng. I was just in town getting this cute straw hat for the cow.

I can't wait to put it on her furry little head.

The cow's gone.

Hardy har har, Carol.

But seriously, where is that cute girl?

She ran away.

Okay, okay.

This is, uh... wow.

Okay, uh...

Huh, hmm... huh.

What?!

Todd: I don't know what happened.

I mean, we went down there in the middle of the night, right?

And sh-she was all tied up securely and everything.

We woke up this morning, she was just gone.

I thought you said you tied a good clove hitch.

I did! I mean, I... I-I thought I did.

I'm sorry, guys.

Uh, this is all my fault.

I feel like I really let us down here.

Well, this sucks!

I can't go back to cereal and water.

I need cheese.

Guys, look at me and listen to me.

I know we're all frustrated, but hear this, okay?

We have to fight the very natural temptation to assign blame right now.

Blaming Todd is not gonna be productive.

No one's blaming Todd.

That's the spirit, Meliss, okay?

And I want us to all keep not blaming Todd.

He's suffering enough right now.

Because mathematically, 100% of the blame lies at his feet.

Hundred percent.

This is not your fault.

And yet, at the same time, it is. Hmm.

But, hey, no worries.

I got this.

What?

I'm gonna go find that cow, okay?

So you guys just hang here and relax, okay?

Ah, Phil, l-let me help in some way, please.

Hey, hey, I got this.

I found it the first time, I can find it again.

Trust me.

You know exactly where that cow is, don't you, Phil?

(laughs): What?

I do not.

You're lying.

Where were you this morning?

Where was I this morning?!

I was getting this hat for the cow this morning at a hat store.

And that is why I'm holding it.

Carol, help me out here.

Don't look at me, Phil.

If we lived together, you'd have an alibi.

(sighs)

I had nothing to do with this.

Then why don't we all go search?

Let's all search?

Sorry.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let's all search.

So, we'll each take a quadrant.

Okay, as president, I get first choice.

No, I'll take the first choice.

But, Melissa...

Where was that bar you showed me?

Uh...

Phil? Where's the bar?

Mm-hmm?

Uh... the bar. Oh, geez, uh, yeah.

It's right, uh, right there.

I want that one.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, Phil, I'll take this guy right here.

(chuckles): Give Phil a big open section, because he loves his space.

Did you guys hear? He won't live with his wife.

Melissa and todd: Yeah, we've heard.

Carol: Yeah.

Okay, so, uh, I guess I will take this quadrant.

Unless anybody else, uh, wants to switch, Melissa?

A-Anybody?

No?

Would you like mine?

Like, I'll trade with...

No, we'll stay with our quadrants.

Okay.

Okay, so it is about 10:00 AM Uh, wherever that cow is, she's probably hunkered down for the night.

So best we just sit tight for now and, uh, you know, hit it hard first thing in the morning?

If you don't mind, I'm gonna start my search right now.

Uh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. (chuckles)

(groans softly)

Oh, the cow's gone.

Thank God. Thank God.

Where's the frigging cow?

Gary! (screams)

Come on, where are you, you old piece of crap?

How the heck did you get out of that bar?

(sighs)

Frigging Todd.

(laughs)

You found the cow!

Ha!

Yeah, she was just right down the street in somebody's front yard.

Good for you, good for you.

Yeah, girls are gonna be real happy you found it.

Yeah. (forced chuckle)

See you back at the... yeah.

Hey, Phil.

(sighs)

If you don't mind, I'm gonna tell the girls you found the cow.

What?

I feel bad about the way Melissa came down on you, and I think it's the right thing to do.

Wow.

Why would you want to do something like that for me?

You really don't know, do you?

Know what?

Phil... you've done so much for me.

I mean, if it wasn't for those "Alive in Tucson" billboards, I wouldn't even be here right now.

But because I am, I'm with the woman of my dreams.

I've got two great friends in you and Carol.

I've got a cow that's gonna make me milkshakes.

I'm just so happy right now.

That's all because of you, man.

(chuckles softly)

Thanks, Todd. I mean...

I don't think I could possibly take credit for finding that...

I found the cow!

Yes!

Todd and Melissa: Mmm.

(both moan)

Mmm.

Todd: Mmm. (Melissa moans)

Mmm.

Mmm.

So good. Mmm.

(Todd moans)

Oh, I've heard those sounds before.

Wink, wink.

(laughs)

(moans dramatically)

Todd: Mmm.

Hey, sorry about flipping out earlier, Phil.

Good job finding the cow.

Mm, guess I just got lucky.

(chuckles)

Mmm!

That is good.

Wait, I thought you were lactose intolerant.

It's my cheat day.

(Carol moans dramatically)

(Carol screaming in distance)

You guys hear that?

Yeah.

Ow! Damn it.

Carol?

(laughing)

Oh, my God!

This is priceless.

(moos)

So classic.

And remember, Todd said these things don't go down stairs.

So this thing's in here forever.

(laughs) Burn.

I think the burn's more on you, Phil.

What? How so?

I'm not bunking down with a cow.

Big news, everyone.

I'm finally moving in with my husband.

Burn. No, but-but...

Uh... (stammers)

And just think, this could have all been avoided if you'd fixed my gol-dang door.

(Carol laughing)

Isn't this great?

The best.

So what exactly happened again with the cow?

It was a double clove hitch knot.

I don't know.

It's one of those freak happenings, you know?

Here, I'll tell you exactly how it went down.

I couldn't sleep.

So I went downstairs, and I got myself a snack.

And then I went to the living room, and I reread a Twilight.

Then I did some knitting.

Then I got drowsy, so I walked back upstairs, and I got into bed, and then I fell asleep.

And I woke up, and there was a cow in my face. (screams)

And that's exactly what happened.

Really?

Hey, it all worked out for the best, right?

Yep.

Good night, Mr. President.

Good night.