01x10 - Pranks for Nothin'

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on The Last Man on Earth...

If I'm so bad, then why do you want to live with me?

Because I'm your wife!

I wish I could have a do-over.

Oh, my God!

You're all alone out here?

Yes.

(Gail and Erica scream happily)

Phil?

Wait. You know Phil?

Phil's my husband.

Surprise!

You guys don't understand.

This was gonna be an awesome joke.

I just can't believe you didn't tell us there were other people.

Yeah, that's, like, the one thing that's important in this world.

Yeah, and all for what, just so you can get laid?

No. Because I had this awesome idea for a prank.

And I had it perfectly lined up.

I mean, I had you guys thinking that I was going out camping,

and I had you guys thinking these guys didn't exist.

That's called the perfect storm.

So, there we are, about to go skinny-dipping...

You were gonna go skinny-dipping?!

(scoffs) As if I would ever do that.

I-I am married to you, Carol.

You told us Carol was dead.

What?! What?!

Oh, my God!

No, a-a different Carol.

Carol, I was, uh, married to this other woman named Carol before the virus. You told me you were single.

Yeah, I was... Before I got married to that, uh, Carol.

And, uh, she d*ed in that, uh, tragic... snowmobiling accident.

(quietly): Sorry. I miss you.

You're disgusting.

Disgustingly good at pranks!

God, you know, before I go on, can I just say, this is really disrespectful to Carol.

The other Carol. The late Carol.

Uh, but, you know, back to this prank.

So, you know, God, it was gonna be such a great one, a-and then you guys all just ruined it.

I feel so bad for you... You missed out on this wonderful thing.

I mean, see, I was gonna... I was gonna, uh... (stammering) uh, uh...

What... what was gonna happen was, when we got out to those hot springs, I was gonna say, "Hey, wait... I need my bathing suit."

Then I was gonna lead you back to our cul-de-sac, introduce you to all these people who mean the most to me in the world.

'Cause you do... Have I ever told you guys that?

I wish I told you more.

Yeah.

Carol: Phil...

Stop talking.

No! No, wait!

Because it feels to me like you guys still think this wasn't a prank.

And that's... that's not acceptable.

That's where I draw the line.

Still think he's a good guy?

(sighs)

Phil: Todd, come on, bud.

There's got to be some explanation here!

I-I mean, there is an explanation.

The... you know, that, uh, prank thing.

Melissa: Way to go, Phil.

He actually really liked you.

I don't know why, but he did.

You guys can follow us to the cul-de-sac... that's where we live.

Because we exist!

I...

It was prank.

Carol... wait...

What, you're just gonna leave me here?

Wha...?

What...?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

(laughter)

This is amazing.

I can't believe you guys have a cow!

And Gail's a chef, so this is, like... Oh, hon, the things I can make with this.

My mind is literally spinning.

Creme brulee, dulce de leche...

Good morning.

I just came here to get some, uh... java... little milk.

These guys give you the tour? Huh?

Show you around?

I'll take that as a yes or no.

Hey... anybody seen Carol anywhere?

(sighs)

How long am I gonna be in the doghouse here?

It was a prank.

Okay. I get it.

You're giving me the silent treatment.

Very mature.

Well, guess what? I can silent treatment with the best of 'em, huh?

You want to do this? Let's go.

Boom! Silent treatment!

It was a prank.

(Phil exhales)

Phil (calls): Carol?

Carol?

(sighs)

(quietly): Carol.

What?

Oh, there you are.

Hey, I really need to talk to you.

Fine.

Let's talk.

(eerie moaning)

(continues eerie moaning)

I'm not quite... understanding what you're... what you're doing there.

Isn't that how ghosts talk?

Carol...

Well, I'm dead, right?

Isn't that what you told them?

Can I please explain?

(scoffs) I think it's pretty cut-and-dry, Phil.

You told me you were going camping, and then you went out skinny-dipping with two hussies.

But I didn't do anything!

Bologna on rye, Phil!

No! Truth meat on honesty bread!

You are nothing but a sewer rat, you dumb donkey.

Just cattin' around like the cock of the walk. Well, guess what, you skunk?

You just sprayed the wrong dog.

Now, get out.

Carol, this is my house.

Skunks don't live in houses.

And this one's haunted, anyways.

(sighs)

Get out!

(sighs)

Thanks for letting me stay here, guys.

It's nice to feel welcome somewhere.

And don't worry, I won't be here long.

This is temporary.

They're gonna come looking for me.

You know, this'll be good.

You know, this is a nice change of pace.

I could use a break from people.

Yeah, with all their, "Oh, Phil, do this, do that, you're a jerk... (jabbering)."

Oh, no, this is good, this is nice.

Solitude, loneliness, friends.

And this pool table makes a fine bed. Yeah.

You know, it's firm, no give... Which is great for the back.

Oh, yeah.

Beds are overrated.

(exhales)

Don't miss beds.

Gail: Knock, knock...

Erica: Carol?

Gail: Knock, knock.

Did you hear us knocking?

Well, we just wanted to drop by with this pecan pie and say we hope that there's no hard feelings.

Why would there be any hard feelings?

All you did was make a series of quick, slut-based decisions about sharing your body with a man you hardly knew.

Carol, you know we would never have done that stuff if we'd known Phil was married.

(chuckles): Of course.

I don't hold it against you.

You had no idea.

And you're not even from here.

In this country, we tend to do a bit of research before inviting a man into the land down under.

Carol, I can see that you're hurting really badly, and I'm hoping that we just... move past all this.

But in the meantime, we're just gonna leave this pie right here.

Oh, I can't eat that pie.

Uh, are you... are you allergic to pecans?

No.

I just don't enjoy hussy pie.

You understand.

I don't, but we'll be taking off now.

(quietly): Yeah.

Okay, Gary, what's your poison?

Tequila sunrise, huh? Okay.

That's a fun choice.

(bottle shatters)

Oh. Let me try that again.

Just grab another bottle, like so.

Try that.

(bottle shatters)

Cruise makes it look so easy, you know?

Ow, that hurt. That really hurt.

(mumbles)

They must have CGI'd those bottles, right?

(bottle shatters)

Yeah, I'm gonna have all these tricks down by the time they come looking for me.

It's gonna be a fun surprise for them.

Okay, here we go. Okay.

Whoa!

(high-pitched): I got it!

Hey, Carol.

Can we come in?

Oh, absolutely.

Come in. Have a seat, you.

Hey, I brought you some tea.

Careful, it's really hot, okay?

Melissa: So, we heard you talked with... Gail and Erica.

We just wanted to come over, and see if you're doing okay.

I'm fine.

Why wouldn't I be?

Everything's fine.

Carol, that's...

Sorry, I tried to warn you... about...

(shuddering groan)

That's all right, Todd.

It's okay. (quiet chuckle)

Everything's fine.

(whispers): So...

Okay...

I see what you're doing over there.

What-what are we doing?

Mm.

Sitting so far apart from each other.

Oh, we're not... No.

I'm a strong woman, okay?

I can handle seeing two people being affectionate.

Ah. Please, kiss each other.

(chuckles): For me. I can take it.

We're just kind of hanging out right now, you know what I mean?

Carol, this is uncomfortable.

You know what's uncomfortable is this pity party you're throwing me.

Okay?

Go ahead, kiss. Come on.

Kiss. For me, please.

Oh, come on, you can do better than that.

Get into it!

Come on, kiss like you used to!

(moaning loudly)

Oh, that was so fake!

Kiss! Come on!

(both moaning)

Okay, that's enough, Todd.

Yes, copy that.

This is...

I just... Whoo!

This is weird.

Very.

Carol, what is going on with you?

It's called being just fine, Melissa.

Maybe you should try it some time.

Carol...

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone. Thank you.

Yeah, okay.

Melissa: Okay, well, just let us know if you need anything.

They're not coming.

Oh, they don't care where I am 'cause they don't like me.

Which is really sad 'cause I want to go back!

I don't want to live at this stupid bar... a pool table for a bed.

(sighs) I was wrong.

Beds are underrated.

And people are underrated. God.

Oh, but they don't like me.

They're not gonna talk to me.

(sighs, groans)

Oh, I get it, I blew it.

I really beefed it.

I asked for a do-over and instead I got a do-do-over.

Boom, I still got it.

(sighs): I'm persona non grata.

Iced out.

No one wants to have anything to do with old Phil Miller.

But I mean, I am who I am.

I can't just magically change into another person.

(knocking)

Phil: Hi.

The name's Mike Miller.

I'm looking for my twin brother, Phil.

Oh, my God, people.

It's been so long. (stammering) Oh, God!

Damn it.

How did that not work?

That's looking good.

Todd: Ooh! (others exclaiming)

Hey.

Good sh*t.

I just can't believe he put on a costume.

(scoffs) That's what you can't believe?

I can't believe he thought we would believe he was his own brother.

What did Carol say?

Oh, she just slammed the door right in his face.

Good for her, poor thing.

I mean, that man is a little tossed in the head.

Melissa: Yeah, a little.

Gail: Yeah.

Melissa: He's also a pathological liar.

Erica: Oh, what a w*nk*r.

We really dodged a b*llet with that guy.

Gail: Oh, good-bye and good riddance, Phil Cormaneau.

Melissa: Cormaneau?

Todd: His last name's Miller.

Erica: He lied about that, too? Why?

Melissa: Why not?

Gail: What a liar.

I can't believe he just lied.

Todd: What a liar.

Melissa: Take is easy.

Todd: Okay, I'm just so disappointed...

Phil: I do not feel great right now.

They don't miss me at all.

Why are they so mad?

Why won't they give me the benefit of the doubt?

They think I'm just some liar.

I am not a liar.

I mean, what have I ever done that would make them think that?

It was a prank.

I found the cow!

I got the rings.

I'm a pretty major tennis guy.

Are you attracted to Melissa?

No.

Are you lactose intolerant?

Yes.

I can fix a friggin' door.

Committed to this marriage.

I've been very busy, Carol.

You're all alone out here?

Yes.

Must've been a raccoon.

I used to have a VW Bug.

I have diarrhea...

Big Shankhead here...

Cormaneau...

I'm a nice person...

The name's Mike Miller...

Balls are clean...

(gasps)

I am a liar.

(laughing)

(Todd sighs)

Oh, look who it is, everybody.

Mike Miller.

Or is it Mike Cormaneau?

(sighs)

Can I talk to you guys?

No.

I'm not leaving until I say my piece.

Fine, stay here. We'll just ignore you.

You know what, anybody want a refill?

I do.

Todd: Great.

Thank you very much.

Don't mind me. I'll just be here, uh, doing this...

(high-pitched yell)

(continues yelling)

I'll just keep screaming until you talk to me.

(high-pitched yell)

(continues yelling)

Melissa: Phil.

Can't you get it through your little perm?

We don't want to talk to you.

No, Melissa, let's just over with which to get this.

Are you guys ready for a bombshell?

When I was gonna go skinny-dipping with Gail and Erica... that wasn't a prank.

That was a very real effort to swim naked with women.

Moving on. Melissa.

I did not want to have sex with you solely for the purpose of repopulation.

I wanted to have sex with you because you're a friggin' smokeshow.

Todd...

I did not co-write "Fields of Gold."

The only person who wrote that song was Sting.

And finally, Carol.

I can't even begin to count the ways that I've been dishonest with you.

But let me start with this: We should have never gotten married.

When I said "I do," it was a lie, 'cause I didn't.

And I know I've hurt you... and I'm really, really sorry.

Look, I don't expect this to change the way that any of you guys feel about me, but I'd rather be an honest person with no friends than live one more day as a liar, so...

Smell ya never.

Excuse me.

(sighs)

I knew he didn't write "Fields of Gold."

Phil: So I, you know, I said my piece and, uh... did not get a lot of traction there, but, uh, I feel good.

I-I feel... I did the right thing.

I mean, it's-it's what I had to do.

Um...

Carol: Phil?

Phil, are you talking to balls with faces drawn on them?

Y-Yes.

I am.

Okay.

Well, I guess they can hear this, too.

I have a few things to say.

If you have any questions, comments or applause, just save it until I'm done.

I don't think applause will apply, but just hold it till the end.

Okay.

Phil, what did I just ask?

Sorry.

Phil!

Phil, what do you think about this quilt?

'Cause you know what I think?

I think it's U-G-L-Y, this quilt ain't got no alibi.

It's ugly.

(stomps feet rhythmically)

It's ugly.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

You can talk.

Respectfully, I-I have no clue.

Phil, sometimes, in quilting, you just don't have the right scraps.

And no matter how much effort you put in, you make a quilt that looks like this.

I will agree that it's ugly.

And you worked so hard on it and you trick yourself into thinking it's beautiful and you display it proudly in the entryway on you divan.

And then your friend Barbara comes over a few days later, and she tells you that she thinks it's best if you fold it up and put it in the closet.

You see what I'm saying now?

Barbara's a pretty mean person and tells it like it is and...

Right? Yes?

I think it's time we put this quilt in the closet.

So, here.

Divorce papers?

They're official, I'm a notary.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, Phil.

You're better off without me. I'm better off without you.

I just want you to be happy.

Well, I just want you to be happy.

Then sign.

There.

And there.

Uh-huh.

And... ooh, Social Security, right there.

This is fun to notarize again.

(laughs): Oh, man, once you break the seal...

It's a notary joke.

I wish Glen were here.

He would've gotten a kick out of that one.

It's official.

It's official.

Friends?

Friends.

Ah, get in here.

Well, see you back at the cul-de-sac.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, that's my ex-wife.