01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[BELLS TOLLING] [BELLS TOLLING ON RECORDING]
DEAN PELTON: Good morning. [RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO] How do we turn this off? Can you help me turn this off? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap. Good morning. Many of you are halfway through your first week here at Greendale, and as your dean... I thought I would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's loser college for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, middle-aged divorcees, and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity. That's what you've heard. However, I wish you luck. [AWKWARD PAUSE] Okay, you know... Uh-oh. Okay, there's more to this speech. There's actually a middle card that is missing. Can we all look around our immediate areas? Because I really wanted to...
ABED: I’m only half Arabic, actually. My dad is Palestinian. He's a U.S. citizen, he's not a thr*at to national security or anything. Lot of people want to know after they meet him because he has angry energy. Not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving. Although she did leave because he was angry, and he was angry because she's American. My name's Abed, by the way.
JEFF: Abed, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now about that question that I had?
ABED: Oh, uh... Five after 11 when you asked.
JEFF: Abed.
ABED: Yeah.
JEFF: What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.
ABED: Well, I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil. Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October. She has two older brothers. One works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. And she thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test. So she really needs to focus. And she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.
JEFF: Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.
ABED: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
DUNCAN: Jeff Winger, genius at law.
JEFF: You gotta stop saying that.
DUNCAN: I will never do that. Sit down. I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUI, let alone why that helped.
JEFF: Well, 2002 was a simpler time.
DUNCAN: So, what is my lawyer doing here?
JEFF: I’m a student.
DUNCAN: Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.
JEFF: I am in a bit of a jam. The state bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was… less than legitimate.
DUNCAN: I thought you had a bachelor's from Columbia.
JEFF: Now I have to get one from America.
DUNCAN: Oof.
JEFF: And it can't be an e-mail attachment.
DUNCAN: Well, you've picked a fine school.
JEFF: Yes. And I'm hoping that our friendship will yield certain advantages. You know, academic guidance. Yes. Moral support. Every answer to every test for every one of the classes that I'm taking. Here's my schedule.
DUNCAN: Now, Jeff, just by asking that you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution. [TO GUY PEEING OUTSIDE] Oi. Waster. Not a bathroom. Not a bathroom.
JEFF: Okay. Duncan, you did seem less into integrity the day that I convinced 12 of your peers that when you made that U-turn on the freeway and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box that your only real crime was loving America.
DUNCAN: I'll look into it.
JEFF: Thank you. Duncan, you are a good man.
DUNCAN: Jeff, are you familiar with the adage "Cheaters never prosper"?
JEFF: No. And if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college.

JEFF: Oh, hey, Spanish.
BRITTA: Yeah, don't hit on me, okay?
JEFF: Uh, I wouldn't dream of it. I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group.
BRITTA: Oh, whoa, whoa. The guy who's playing "Bejeweled" on his iPhone all class has a study group? Can I sign up twice?
JEFF: I’m taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a Spanish tutor. Board certified.
BRITTA: Can you say that in Spanish now?
JEFF: [SPEAKS RANDOM WORDS IN SPANISH]
BRITTA: I really need help with Spanish.
JEFF: [IN ENGLISH] Yeah, I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff. Or jefe. The group meets at the library at 4.
BRITTA: Britta. Thanks.

JEFF: [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] Hey, all right, come on in. Welcome.
BRITTA: Yeah.
JEFF: I rented the whole table. Here's the, uh, contact sheet. Just put your stuff there. That's... Man, the rest of the group is running late. But you and I can get acquainted.
BRITTA: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.
JEFF: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
BRITTA: That's not small talk?
JEFF: What's your deal and is God dead?
BRITTA: All right, you wanna know my deal?
JEFF: Mm.
BRITTA: My deal is, above all else, honesty. Honesty. Yeah. You tell me the truth, I will like you. You lie to me, I will never talk to you again. That's my deal.
JEFF: That's a good deal.
BRITTA: So, what's your deal?
JEFF: Uh... I-I would have to go... I would have to say, um, honesty. Because I would say anything to get what I want, and I-I want you to like me. So...
BRITTA: Well, that's a very honest answer. All right, for now, I like you fine.
JEFF: Really? Wow. You're easy.
BRITTA: Hell, yeah. [TO ABED] Abed. In the house. Whoo!
ABED: Whoo!
BRITTA: Whoo!
JEFF: Whoo. Why?
ABED: Britta invited me. Is that cool?
JEFF: Oh, I can't think of a single logical reason why not.
ABED: Cool.
JEFF: There you go. Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there. That's right.
ABED: Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. Hey, this is kind of like The Breakfast Club, huh?
BRITTA: We are in a library.
ABED: Yeah. I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside that would make us cry if we talked about it.
BRITTA: Do you have something balled up inside you?
ABED: Oh, I got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional. [CELL PHONE CHIMES] Hey, text message. Let's give this bad boy a read.
JEFF: It's probably just for you.
ABED: I've never gotten one of these.
JEFF: Uh, it's probably... You just... It's just for your eyes.
ABED: "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you." "Say you have to pee."
BRITTA: That is weird.
JEFF: Do you have to pee?
ABED: No. That's so weird.
JEFF: Well, I'm stumped. That's very creepy. [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
ABED: That makes two of us.
BRITTA: What's that?
ABED: Does it say you have to pee?
JEFF: No, it's just someone with a misguided grasp of abbreviation. I just need five minutes, you guys. So go ahead and study all the verbs in Spanish.
ABED: Spanish.

DUNCAN: Suppose I was to say to you it was possible to get those test answers.
JEFF: I would say go for that. And could have said so in a text.
DUNCAN: I'm asking if you know the difference between right and wrong.
JEFF: I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative, and in either case, booyah.
DUNCAN: Oh. Interesting. It's just, the average person has a much harder time saying booyah to moral relativism.
JEFF: Duncan, you don't have to play shrink to protect your pride. I accept your chicken.
DUNCAN: You trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist?
JEFF: No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless British twit.
DUNCAN: I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way.
JEFF: A 6-year-old girl could talk to you that way.
DUNCAN: Yes, because that would be adorable.
JEFF: No, because you're a 5-year-old girl, and there's a pecking order.
DUNCAN: Fine, I’ll do it. Thank you. Yeah, with pleasure. Bye. Yes, good. Why am I still shouting? I'm drawing attention to myself.

JEFF: You guys aren't going to believe this but the rest of the group... is here.
PIERCE: Are you the board-certified tutor?
TROY: That means you do my homework, right, Seacrest?
SHIRLEY: I need to call my babysitter if we gonna be later than 10.
ANNIE: What board certifies a tutor?
JEFF: Where's Britta?
ABED: Not sure. I invited people from Spanish class. Is that cool?
JEFF: It's the coolest. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. And bring my jacket, wallet and keys with me in case there's a fire.
SHIRLEY: Should we go with him?
TROY: Gonna leave my homework with Slumdog Millionaire over here.
SHIRLEY: That's borderline r*cist.

BRITTA: And busted.
JEFF: Uh, listen...
BRITTA: Now you know. I'm a smoker.
JEFF: Yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe.
BRITTA: You ready to get started? Looks like your group showed up.
JEFF: Yeah, not mine, actually. I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist. And I was trained never to say this, but I think that group may be untutorable.
BRITTA: Oh, really?
JEFF: Why don't you and I go study over...
BRITTA: Dinner?
JEFF: Or drinks.
BRITTA: I think, actually, we should prioritize here and study first and then go to dinner. And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early.
JEFF: Oh, they will be untutorable.

JEFF: All right. Look at this crew. All ready to study all night.
SHIRLEY: I can stay at least till 10.
[ALL MURMUR]
JEFF: But who studies with strangers, right? My name is Jeff.
PIERCE: Jeff, it's a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne. And, yes, that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes the award-winning moist towelette.
JEFF: I was just gonna ask.
PIERCE: I'm a Toastmaster. I should do the introductions.
JEFF: Definitely.
PIERCE: You know Brittles.
BRITTA: Britta.
PIERCE: Abed. Abed the Arab. Is that inappropriate?
ABED: Sure.
PIERCE: Roy, Roy, the wonder boy...
TROY: Troy.
PIERCE: Little princess Elizabeth...
ANNIE: Annie.
PIERCE: And, finally, this beautiful creature is named Shirley.
JEFF: [TO SHIRLEY] Is that even close?
[SHE NODS]
ANNIE: I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident.
ABED: This is getting way more like The Breakfast Club now.
PIERCE: There's breakfast?
BRITTA: We should get started...
JEFF: I've been a part of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension. Shouldn't we address Annie's concern? Did we not invite her?
SHIRLEY: Sweetie, it's not behind your back...
ANNIE: Can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"? Being younger does not make me inferior. If anything, your age indicates that you've made bad life decisions.
JEFF: Shirley has a response to that.
SHIRLEY: No, no, no. I don't.
JEFF: It looks like you do. Shirley, go ahead.
SHIRLEY: Okay, okay. I'm sure I’ve made some bad life decisions. And maybe Annie's decisions will be better. I think she needs to decide whether she wants to be considered a child or an adult, because children get pity, but not respect, and adults, they get respect. They also get their head grabbed and pushed through jukeboxes.
BRITTA: Okay. Why don't we try learning "jukebox" in Spanish?
JEFF: Pierce. Let's discuss this creepiness.
PIERCE: Pardon you?
BRITTA: What are you doing?
JEFF: [TO HER] I'm certified. [TO PIERCE] Are you unaware that Shirley finds your advances inappropriate?
PIERCE: What advances?
SHIRLEY: You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.
PIERCE: Sexually harassing? What...? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?
TROY: Saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude.
PIERCE: Hey. I am a prominent business leader and a highly sought-after dinner guest. And I will not take courting advice from some teenage boy.
TROY: Well, this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king.
ANNIE: You're not prom king anymore, Troy. This isn't Riverside High.
TROY: How'd you know I went there?
ANNIE: Because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket, and, more importantly, I sat behind you in Algebra.
TROY: Were you that girl got hooked on pills and dropped out? You're little Annie Adderall!
ANNIE: And you're a stupid jock who lost scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand!
TROY: Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off.
ANNIE: Don't talk to me.
TROY: You don't know... I'm a legend.
[GROUP ARGUING]
ABED: You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me. He said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny." No, Dad, what about you?
JEFF: Well, that actually was from The Breakfast Club.
ABED: Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
[JEFF’S CELL PHONE RINGS]
ABED: Dirty Dancing.
JEFF: [INTO PHONE] Hello?
DUNCAN: [IN DEEP VOICE] It's Professor Duncan. Come to the parking lot now.
JEFF: What's wrong with your voice?
DUNCAN: I'm disguising it.
[PHONE BEEPS]
JEFF: I'll be right back. But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned. Go.
[GROUP CHATTERING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]
DUNCAN: Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester.
JEFF: I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you.
DUNCAN: Whoa, there, grabby grabby. What do I get?
JEFF: The satisfaction of being even.
DUNCAN: Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. Booyah, booyah.
JEFF: What do you want from me?
DUNCAN: Your Lexus.
JEFF: My car for a semester's worth of answers?
DUNCAN: Will it be just a semester, though, Jeff? Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers.
JEFF: You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies.
DUNCAN: Have a nice disbarment hearing.
JEFF: What am I supposed to drive?
DUNCAN: Take this car. It's good for the earth.
JEFF: So is wiping your butt with a leaf but it's not how a man gets around.

[GROUP ARGUING]
JEFF: [UNDER BREATH] Golf cart.
BRITTA: It is a disaster in there.
JEFF: Yeah. Untutorable. Do you like Thai food? I love Thai food.
BRITTA: Wait, so… so this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a sh*t at getting in my pants?
JEFF: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?
BRITTA: You're unbelievable.
JEFF: What do you want me to do?
BRITTA: Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess.
JEFF: Okay, if I do that, then dinner, right?
BRITTA: [SCOFFS] Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there's a dinner on earth that could make me forget you are a shallow douche bag.
JEFF: Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car.

[GROUP ARGUING]
JEFF: All right, everybody. I wanna say something. Everybody sit down.
SHIRLEY: Well, you don't have to yell.
JEFF: You know what makes humans different from other animals?
TROY: Feet.
PIERCE: No, no. Come on, bears have feet.
JEFF: We're the only species on earth that observes "Shark Week." Sharks don't even observe "Shark Week," but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve and go like this.
ABED: Oh.
JEFF: And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.
PIERCE: Big mistake.
JEFF: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I could never admit that. That would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.
PIERCE: The Dalai Lama and l...
JEFF: We should listen to him some time. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. Don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what, soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You were just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.
PIERCE: Soup?
JEFF: I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you.
SHIRLEY: Look at her.
TROY: This...?
JEFF: Yeah. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you."
SHIRLEY & ANNIE: I forgive you.
ABED & BRITTA: I forgive you.
TROY: I forgive you.
PIERCE: You little twerp.
JEFF: Pierce, I’d like you to say, "I forgive you."
SHIRLEY: He didn't say it?
PIERCE: I forgive you.
JEFF: You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community.
SHIRLEY: Oh, that's nice. I like that.
ABED: This isn't like The Breakfast Club anymore. It's Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray in any of his films.
JEFF: I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with Britta. [TO BRITTA] Britta?
BRITTA: I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down. But since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me. I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time. [TO ALL] Everybody ready?
JEFF: Fine. And I'm happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I wasted more than they wasted mine.
PIERCE: Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this group?
JEFF: I don't have a study group. I made it up.
ANNIE: What about the “look left” speech? Jeff: Made it up. That's what I do. I make things up. And I got paid a lot of money to do it. Before I came to this school-shaped toilet, I was a lawyer.
SHIRLEY: Oh, man, this ruins everything.
ABED: I thought you were like Bill Murray in his films. But you're more like Michael Douglas in his films.
JEFF: Yeah? Well, you have Asperger's.
[ANNIE GASPS] [GROUP WHISPERING]
ABED: What does that mean?
TROY: Ha, ha. Ass burger.
ANNIE: It's a serious disorder.
SHIRLEY: It really is.
PIERCE: If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis? Heh, heh.
TROY: Yeah. Heh, heh.
PIERCE: Ass burger.
TROY: Burger for your ass. [CHUCKLES]

DUNCAN: Jeffrey, before you say anything, you might want to think about the gift you've been given.
JEFF: An excuse to punch a hippy?
DUNCAN: No. No, not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life.
JEFF: Give me my keys.
DUNCAN: No, I have to keep your car for the lesson. [PANICKED] Don't hit me. Please don't hit me. Jeffrey? Jeffrey? Are we cool? Are we cool? We cool.

PIERCE: I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.
JEFF: I deserve that.
PIERCE: You know I’ve been divorced seven times? Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
JEFF: You keep getting married.
PIERCE: I never looked at it that way.
JEFF: [TO TROY] Shouldn't you guys be studying?
TROY: Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left.
BRITTA: Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?
JEFF: I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna flunk the test.
TROY: If you just, like, study for an hour, it's not that hard. You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat.
JEFF: Well, the funny thing about being smart is you can get through most of life without having to do work. So I'm not really sure how to do that.
SHIRLEY: [MOUTHING INAUDIBLY]
ANNIE: [MOUTHING] Please? So sad?
BRITTA: [MOUTHING] He makes me wanna...
ABED: What's going on? Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now?
ALL: Yes.
ABED: That's good.
BRITTA: You know what, Jeff, actually, we didn't get that far without you. So if you wanna come back upstairs...
JEFF: Really?
BRITTA: Well, it is your study group, so...
SHIRLEY: Come on, let's study.
PIERCE: Sounds good.
[THE 88'S "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" PLAYS]
ABED: I’m sorry I called you Michael Douglas. And I see your value now.
JEFF: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Edited and corrected by: Geneva.