01x08 - Home Economics

[bunniefuu]

CHANG: So from now on, we'll refer to each other by our Spanish nombres. There will be... What's this? [CHANG GASPS] It's okay, it's okay. Do it. [LAUGHS] Buenos dias, Winger.
[CLASS LAUGHING]
CHANG: Ah. Class dismissed.
TROY: Hey. Shirley, look. I'm Annie's backpack.
ANNIE: Mmm. Stop it, Troy.
TROY: Annie, say there are two friends and they're in the same class, and one of them wants to ask the other one out on a date. Like a grownup date, but within biking distance of his parents' house.
ANNIE: Well, they could do something on campus. Tomorrow, there's a picnic with live music on the east lawn. They're calling it A Night Under the Stars.
TROY: Cool. I bet Randi would love that type of thing.
ANNIE: Randi? Oh, I thought...
TROY: Oh. You thought... I can't believe I misled you like that. Listen, Randi can be the name of a guy or a girl. And in this case, it is definitely a girl. Thanks for your help.
ANNIE: You're welcome. And I hate you. And I wanna have your children.
SHIRLEY: Damn, I picked the wrong couple to follow this morning. Jeff and Britta are dead air.
BRITTA: Are you okay? It looks like you have actual bed head this morning.
JEFF: In fashion, I'm what's known as a tastemaker.
BRITTA: And you missed an entire side of your face shaving.
JEFF: And next month, so will Gwen Stefani. Here comes Vaughn. Bye.
BRITTA: Oh, crap.
PIERCE: Vaughn? Vaughn. Oh, the guy with the tiny nipples you did it with.
BRITTA: Oh, God. Hi, Vaughn. Can we talk sometime? I'm sorry about how things ended.
VAUGHN: Well, I'm sorry I can't accept your apology because you're toxic, Britta. You know what? You're like the exact opposite of an antioxidant. Yeah. Pssh. I got band practice. Lates.
BRITTA: Can't we still be friends? Isn't the word "later" already short enough?
PIERCE: Let me talk to him for you. It'll be better if it's man-to-man. We won't be thinking about our chubby thighs or whether or not we can have babies.
BRITTA: Don't talk to Vaughn.
PIERCE: Your hormones are clouding your...
BRITTA: Don't talk to Vaughn.
PIERCE: That is girl for "talk to Vaughn”.
SHIRLEY: Ooh. Sure you don't want a piece of that?
BRITTA: [ADMONISHINGLY] Shirley. What is he doing?
SHIRLEY: Oh, I know exactly what he's doing. My ex-husband spent four weeks doing that after his innocent mistake of calling me Valerie. That boy is living in his car.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪

PIERCE: I lived in my car for a stretch in the '70s. Nothing like bedding a woman on the vinyl back seat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then, so... Heh. [WHISPERS] No condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.
ABED: Hence, AIDS.
PIERCE: Oh, Brittles, I forgot to tell you. I went and talked to Vaughn.
BRITTA: What?
PIERCE: Bad news is I could not patch up things between you. You really did a number on him. Good news is I'm the new keyboardist in his band.
BRITTA: So I asked you not to talk to him and you completely ignored me.
PIERCE: Hey, Tiny, you're missing the headline. I'm in a rock band.
JEFF: Oh, I’d like to be there when the band finds out.
BRITTA: Oh, hi, Jeff. We were just talking about how in today's economy...
SHIRLEY: Mm-mm! Living in your car. Living in your car. You are living in your car, boy. I'm sorry, I'm not good at being coy.
JEFF: Ahem. Guys, I'm not living in my car. I'm just sleeping in it for a couple of days while I work out some problems with my condo. It's a very temporary issue. Gotta pay some meaningless fees. They'll put my locks back on the door and that'll be that.
BRITTA: How are you gonna get the money?
JEFF: Believe me, kitten. Winger's got moves.
SHIRLEY: Jeff, do you need a place to stay?
TROY: I’d offer, but my dad's kind of r*cist.
ABED: You could stay with me in the dorms. My room has a bunk bed. A misnomer, because it's the real deal.
JEFF: The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my su1c1de note.
SHIRLEY: [ALARMED] Oh.

TROY: Annie, Annie, thanks for your advice about A Night Under the Stars.
ANNIE: Of course. Anytime, ever.
TROY: Now I’ve just gotta figure out what to bring to the picnic. This is my first college girl, so I really wanna impress her. Would you mind helping me shop for this stuff?
ANNIE: I'd love to.
TROY: Really?
ANNIE: Sure.
SHIRLEY: No.
TROY: Thanks. Later.
ANNIE: Bye.
BRITTA: Hey.
JEFF: Hey. Wanna see my place?
BRITTA: I can see it from here. Two girls are making out on the hood.
JEFF: No, my real place. Look at that. Condo board's trying to bluff me by listing my place as available. But look at those faucets. Handcrafted in Italy. One hundred percent expensive.
BRITTA: Those faucets are beautiful. You know what they would go great with? A home. Which you no longer have. You need to move on with your life.
JEFF: Move on with my life? Shmove shmon shmith shmy shfime. This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.
BRITTA: Is that a bidet?
JEFF: That part's for resale value. And Saturday afternoons.
BRITTA: You know, downgrading your lifestyle is your chance to grow as a person. Maybe even become one. You know, the less you have, the more you can be. You know what I'm saying?
JEFF: There's a silver lining here, isn't there? You're attracted to bums.
BRITTA: Good night.
JEFF: Come on. Why don't you have dinner at my place? I got a hotplate that plugs into a cigarette lighter.
BRITTA: Yeah, but your kitchen's being towed.
JEFF: Stop! That's my house!

JEFF: Can I live with you?
ABED: Yeah, cool. Do you want top bunk or bottom bunk?
JEFF: Top.
ABED: Me too. Race you for it. I win.
JEFF: [INTO PHONE] Look, I really need to liquidate some assets. It's an emergency situation. What kind of offer is that? These are mint-condition issues. I mean, the premise alone is priceless. The guy has the powers and strength of a spider.
MAN: [OVER PHONE] Your incredulity perplexes me.
JEFF: No, your incredulity perplexes me, nerd.
ABED: Jeff, did I say anything in my sleep about farm animals or Brian Williams?
JEFF: I don't think so.
ABED: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Lucky Charms?
JEFF: How are you so satisfied all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
ABED: Sometimes I pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it special drink.
JEFF: And someday you will know it by its true name: diabetes.
ABED: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
JEFF: I'm sorry?
ABED: You're Goldie Hawn.
JEFF: Is it the lips?
ABED: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. She fell off her boat and it was good for her. She realized she was happier poor, raising unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
JEFF: Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
ABED: You can do whatever you want. You just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.
JEFF: I could use a break.

TROY: A picnic blanket. Genius. I was gonna lay down newspaper.
ANNIE: It's the blanket my grandmother used to court my grandfather.
TROY: Yeah? That's pretty hot.
ANNIE: Thanks. Oh...
SHIRLEY: Tell that boy how you feel.
ANNIE: It's scary. If he's not interested, I could lose the friendship too.
SHIRLEY: You could. Love is a gamble always, but waiting won't change the dice. You either roll them or you lose your turn.
ANNIE: I'm going to roll them. I am. I just... I need a few more shakes.
SHIRLEY: Mm. Shake them in your mind, okay? Now if you'll excuse me, Pierce's band is playing. And I wanna record the train wreck. Kind of hoping for a Michael Richards situation.
VAUGHN: This is for you.
SHIRLEY: [TO BRITTA] Oh, they're pretty good. This isn't weird for you?
BRITTA: No. Just wanna show Vaughn some support to help smooth things over.
VAUGHN: ♪ Saying goodbye to Britta was the hardest thing to do ♪ ♪ But when someone's a bitch and a liar ♪ ♪ There ain't nothing left to woo ♪ ♪ I'm getting rid of Britta ♪ What am I doing? ♪ I'm getting rid of the B ♪
PIERCE: ♪ She's a no-good B ♪
VAUGHN: ♪ I'm getting rid of Britta ♪ ♪ I'm getting rid of the B ♪
PIERCE: ♪ She's a GDB ♪
VAUGHN: Take it, Pierce.

ACTOR [ON TV] Same as a 45-year-old, except he doesn't get as tired.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING ON TV]
ACTOR [ON TV]: We can pick them from the cream...

ABED: Great to have somebody to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was raised by TV.
JEFF: TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.
ABED: Cop Rock. That sounds cool.
JEFF: Doesn't it?
BRITTA: Hey. Wow. You guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
JEFF: Yeah. In the last two days, I’ve spent a quarter. We're having the time of our lives.
BRITTA: See? Who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
JEFF: There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.
JEFF & ABED: Pavel!
PAVEL: Hey, bros.
JEFF: This is Pavel. He lives next door. He's from Poland.
ABED: [SPEAKS IN POLISH]
PAVEL: Britta? ♪ I'm getting rid of Britta. Getting rid of the B ♪
BRITTA: Excuse me. I have a future m*rder victim to visit.
JEFF: Cool. Cool.
ABED: Cool, cool, cool.
PAVEL: Sorry?
ABED: [SPEAKS IN POLISH]

[BAND PLAYING]
BRITTA: Guys, what the hell? "Getting Rid of Britta"? That song was disrespectful to me and to the definition of rhyme scheme.
VAUGHN: Wow. If you don't like my song, you don't have to listen, all right? I'm an artist and I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.
PIERCE: Oh, oh. All right, hold on, Vaughn. Can I have a word with you? Could you come here, please, for a second? What did you just say to her?
VAUGHN: Listen, I know Britta's your friend, but my song is more important.
PIERCE: Your song? We wrote it together. Are you trying to Garfunkel me?
VAUGHN: Maybe, assuming to Garfunkel someone is to put up with them even though they're a fat, lazy cat who hogs the spotlight and eats all the lasagna.
PIERCE: I get it. You're jealous of me.
VAUGHN: What? Why?
PIERCE: Maybe because when I put on these skinny jeans my ass looks like a baby pumpkin. Or maybe because I'm not a small-nippled credit-hogging jag who only knows three power chords.
VAUGHN: My band, my song. You want that, huh, Pierce? How do you like that? Aah!
PIERCE: [TO BRITTA] You get on that horse.
VAUGHN: Lates!
BRITTA: Pierce, did you just defend my honor?
PIERCE: Huh? Oh, yeah. Totally.

ANNIE: You'll light the candles and you'll take a bite and she'll take a bite and you'll laugh. [LAUGHS] And you'll offer her your letter jacket after you notice this funny way she shakes when she gets cold. And she'll feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
TROY: Right. I couldn't have done this without your help. You're really nice. We should've hung out more in high school.
ANNIE: Remember when you pretended to be my backpack?
TROY: Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm funny. All right. Ah. I gotta go get ready.
ANNIE: Troy, wait. I have to tell you. My appendix is bursting.
TROY: What?
ANNIE: Yeah. Yeah. My appendix is bursting. [SCREAMS] Oh. Oh, no.
NURSE JACKIE: Okay, two young students. I think I’ve been to this dance before. You guys are sexual partners, right?
ANNIE: [LAUGHS] Us? No. No, he's my very good friend, and I have appendicitis.
NURSE JACKIE: Oh.
ANNIE: [TO TROY] Thanks for bringing me here. Guess I ruined your date, huh?
NURSE JACKIE: Okay. Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you.
TROY: Cool. I’ll see you.
[ANNIE SCREAMS]
NURSE JACKIE: God. Where does it hurt?
ANNIE: Everywhere.
NURSE JACKIE: We have to quarantine you. We gotta get you to a safe distance.
TROY: My date's on the east lawn.
NURSE JACKIE: East lawn, perfect. Great. Wait, wait. This is a date? Yeah, you need these.
TROY: Nice. [TO ANNIE] I’ll be thinking of you.
ANNIE: Okay, I need to go.
NURSE JACKIE: No, we... We have to observe you overnight. It's policy. We don't want another Vanessa Parsons on our hands. She was the Typhoid Mary of herpes. I'm kind of the Hawkeye around here, so it's kind of a... Are you seeing anybody?

BRITTA: You guys weren't in Spanish class.
JEFF: Knight Rider marathon.
ABED: The shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist.
[JEFF MUMBLES]
ABED: Britta, may I have a word?
JEFF: Has this always been here?
ABED: You need to take Jeff back.
BRITTA: Mmm. Never had him, don't want him, especially now. He's got a real Phil Spector vibe going.
ABED: He's like E.T. He crashed in my place and we're friends now, which is great for me, but bad for him. He needs to get back.
BRITTA: What am I supposed to do?
ABED: Use your lady parts.
BRITTA: Abed!
ABED: Don't be naive. The charge between you two is keeping him going. Tell him you'll make love to him if he takes a shower and finds a nice place to live.
JEFF: I’m heading back. Pavel's making babka.
ABED: Do it, Britta. Seduce him. Draw the tapeworm of Jeff's old self out with the bowl of milk that is your sexuality.
BRITTA: No.
ABED: Then say goodbye to E.T.
JEFF: Abed, it's open!

LOUISE JEFFERSON [on TV]: And your wife is married to an idiot.
MAN: What's wrong now, woman?
LOUISE JEFFERSON: You. You can't see further than them... [BRITTA TURNS TV OFF]
JEFF: What are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, h*nky.
BRITTA: I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think about how much happier were the Jeffersons than that family on Good Times.
JEFF: Yeah, but they had good times.
BRITTA: Do good times really matter? What about good cars, good lobster? What about that sport where the British people ride the horses with the really long hammers?
JEFF: Jeez, you are way out of your element here.
BRITTA: Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying for me. But for you? Maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond. You just get a turd with less direction in life.
JEFF: Thanks, coach. Can you turn the TV back on? [GROANS] Faucets. Italian faucets. Handcrafted. These look like... Wait. I made this notch to indicate optimal cleansing temperature for combination skin. These were mine?
BRITTA: For a fancy condo, you've got awful security. Install those in a new apartment so that every day, when you spend too much time on your hair, you can look down and think: "I was a huge phony before. I can do it again."
JEFF: Yeah. You're into me.
BRITTA: I beg your unbelievable pardon?
JEFF: Look at all this work you're doing just to have me around again. You were way more attracted to me than you were willing to admit.
BRITTA: I was doing this all for Abed. You are the worst.
JEFF: Yeah, clearly.

PIERCE: Sorry.
MAN: Greendale, thank you for...
PIERCE: [CLEARS THROAT] I want you to know I haven't changed my mind about the band. I'm out.
MAN: We wanna recognize a couple of sponsors. First off is Anderson Septic.
PIERCE: Also, do me a favor, will you? Lay off Britta. I mean, she may walk like she just got off a horse, but underneath all that clown makeup, she's a good kid.
VAUGHN: Mm-hm. No worries, man. I've moved on. Lates.
PIERCE: Lates, okay. Snakes. What...?
VAUGHN: Greendale!
[CROWD CHEERING] [BAND PLAYING]
VAUGHN: ♪ Pierce, I don't need you In my band ♪ ♪ I don't need your heart Or your hand ♪ ♪ I am my own person ♪ ♪ And, Pierce, you're a B ♪ Yeah, you heard me say it. ♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
ANNIE: No! Before you two proceed, I have one thing to say.
TROY: Did you say it already?
ANNIE: I want my nana's blanket back. Do you guys mind? Could you scoot over? It's an heirloom. I want it. Thank you. Have a nice date. [TO SHIRLEY] I don't care what you think. For me, that was huge.
SHIRLEY: I know, sweetie. Let's go find you some pants. Okay?
ANNIE: Yeah, cool, thanks.
[RAPPING] ♪ This a song for Pierce Him so old ♪ ♪ His body made Of wrinkles and folds ♪ ♪ Stupid and ugly He smells like a fart ♪ ♪ Poo-poo in his pants And poo-poo in my heart ♪♪
BRITTA: Hey, look what the cat dragged out and licked clean.
JEFF: I saw how much you missed me, and smelled what happens to Pavel on cabbage night, and realized the world was better off with me in it. Thanks. For caring.
ABED: Hey. You looked like you moved out.
JEFF: I checked into a motel and I'm looking for apartments. You would've been fine with me staying forever?
ABED: Yup.
JEFF: You're pretty cool, Abed.
ABED: You're a huge nerd.
JEFF: Thanks.
ALL: ♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce Pierce, you're a B ♪
PIERCE: I’m Pierce. Yeah, song's about me.
ALL: ♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce Pierce, you're a B ♪
WOMAN: Yeah!
MAN #1: Yeah!
VAUGHN: Come on, sing it for me.
ALL: ♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪ ♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
MAN #2: I love you, Some Worries!
MAN #3: Yeah, he is.
ALL: ♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪ ♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪♪
VAUGHN: Ow! [CROWD CHEERING] We are Some Worries! Good night, Greendale!

MC DAN HARMON: [RAPPING] ♪ East side, West side North side, South ♪ ♪ Vaughn's breath is so bad his butt's mad at his mouth ♪ ♪ This rap is by Pierce ♪♪ Vaughn is dumb ♪ ♪ He wears diapers to bed and sucks his mother's thumb ♪ ♪ And when he wakes up stupid wishing he was me ♪ ♪ He has a big poop breakfast with a glass of pee ♪ ♪ Then he goes to school where he's stupid again ♪ ♪ And everybody hates him even all his friends ♪ ♪ When you come after Pierce then the battle is on ♪ ♪ So this rap goes out to stupid Vaughn ♪♪
VAUGHN: Uh-huh. Well played, Pierce. This isn't over.
[HIP-HOP b*at PLAYING OVER KEYBOARD]