01x21 - Contemporary American Poultry

[bunniefuu]

I don't want to be late for lunch.

"Amar" is "to love", right?

Oh! Speaking of love, Shirley, how's it going with the sexy dreadlock guy?

Oh, I'm sure I don't have a chance with him.

Abed and I talked to him by the vending machines.

He asked about you.

He specifically asked about me?

Mm-hmm.

Sure.

When Annie brought you up, he specifically asked, "Who is that?"

Abed.

Oh.

What? That's what he said.

Abed, your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead.

You know what I mean?

I don't.

You're not alone in this case.

Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase, "Streets ahead".

Trying? [chuckles]

Coined and minted.

Been there, coined that.

"Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

Does it just mean "cool", or is it supposed to be, like, "miles ahead"?

If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Okay, we can banter if we want to banter, but I'm warning you I am leaving for lunch early.

Me too.

Me three.

Streets ahead.

Man, you guys really love these stupid chicken fingers, huh?

Uh, they're not stupid.

They're the only good thing in the cafeteria.

I haven't had one in weeks. They run out so fast.

If God were edible... Not that I'm Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I wouldn't know.

I'm a vegetarian.

Shocker.

Yeah.

And if you guys knew how they treated the animals that you are eating, you would eat them even faster just to put them out of their misery and then you would throw up.

[group groans]

I don't know.

Maybe I'm feeling extra protective of animals today because my cat is sick.

Oh, a cat?

That's awful.

He has diabetes.

He can't even make it to the litter box...

Chicken run!

Whoo!

Ow!

I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to put her to sleep.

[whimpers]

Ah, go on.

God bless you.

Save some for me!

Watch out!

Oh, I can hear those fingers calling my name.

"Troy! Troy!"

Troy, did you get my text message?

"Did you get my text message?"

Um, I think it's...

I got to stop hanging out with her.

She sounds like a chicken finger.

Again?

Outrageous.

At least apologize.

How can you just stand there like a mute idiot?

Ooh.

Well...

Throat surgery might humanize you, but it doesn't make this acceptable.

So cute.

And I don't even normally like dreadlocks.

Hello.

His dreadlocks remind me of The Predator, which is weird, because you're doing the actual hunting and you seem invisible to him.

Abed, you know what I do?

Hmm?

Before I talk, I ask myself, "What am I about to say?"

"And how might it affect each person listening?"

I'm really glad you said that, Britta.

The idea that you compulsively filter yourself makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor.

Sorry, guys. They ran out again.

[scoffs]

Something's gotta be done.

Hey!

What the hell, man?

That's half our problem right there.

Star-burns works the fryer and skims fingers.

No way.

He gives them to people just so they'll act like he isn't Star-burns.

Well, I may not eat meat, but I am not gonna eat that injustice.

Let's complain.

If we complain, he gets a warning and learns to be sneakier.

I say we knock him out of the kitchen and replace him with one of our own all in one move.

Then we're the ones with the chicken.

It's like a mafia movie.

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Cool.

That's exactly what it's like, Abed, and you get the most important job.

You're gonna be fry cook.

We may be watching different mafia movies.

You worked in your dad's restaurant, right?

Well, you'll apply for the job after we get Star-burns fired.

I don't know about that.

I don't know about the f*ring.

I think he really relies on that income.

Yeah, man.

Every day you flock here like sheep and wait in line for a broken promise from a dirty system.

Back in those days, Jeff Winger was the guy that made things happen.

He always knew what to say and he always knew when to slap the table.

You want to be sheep, keep flocking.

You want to be wolves, form a pack.

And that was it. It was that simple.

At that moment, we stopped being a family and started being a family... in italics.

Britta got cozy with Star-burns.

Can I touch both at... Oh!

Yeah, do 'em both.

He lowered his guard and just like that, he was gone.

I mean, the way Jeff saw it, by not respecting us, Star-burns had basically brought it on himself.

And when his job opened up, we did what we had to do to keep the list of applicants to a minimum.

I had worked in my dad's falafel restaurant, so I had a pretty impressive resume.

It's very impressive.

Especially your reference.

Just give 'em a call right now.

But we weren't taking any chances.

The fix was in. [phone trilling]

Tr*mp tower, this is Donald.

Well, he can deep-fry the hell out of chicken.

I can tell you that.

Troy even applied for the same job and gave the world's worst interview just to make me look better.

And that was that.

This was the glorious time.

No more racing to the cafeteria.

No more lines.

To us, lines were for suckers, hacks, sheep.

We were wolves.

And we had the chicken to prove it.

Oh.

Ooh.

To victory.

It feels unfamiliar, but it tastes like chicken.

Mm-hmm.

[giggles]

Hi.

Hello.

You guys are lucky.

They're always running out.

Would you like one?

Name's Shirley. Memorize it.

I will, Shirley.

Eee!

See that, ladies?

The universe goes by supply and demand.

The more you take and use, the more it sends.

Somebody's been taking a little extra.

What's in that container?

Eight fingers.

Abed.

Abed's study group.

Why are you giving Chang chicken?

We have an agreement.

But, Abed, if you get caught skimming, you get fired and we all go back to eating like Britta.

Yeah, we put you in that job.

I dressed like a crazy pharaoh for you, man.

You make the fingers, Abed, not the decisions.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, buddy.

But just remember these things have power.

So just let me know next time you have any more agreements, all right?

Yeah, I agreed to give Chang eight fingers per lunch in exchange for a 10% bump on every Spanish test for each of us.

Oh!

Okay.

Abed makes the fingers and the decisions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[overlapping chatter]

Oh, Abed, you're like the best.

At Greendale, they were always out of chicken fingers, so whoever could get them had power.

Oh.

And I was the guy in the apron, so I came up with a system, and pretty soon half the chicken at Greendale was going out the side door.

Everybody in our crew had a job.

T-bone was the bag man.

He'd move the fingers to a storeroom where two of the girls did the packaging.

We could trust them not to eat the supply because Britta was a vegetarian and Shirley figured that if she stole, she'd go to hell.

They'd hand the stuff out the window to Annie.

She was the leg man and the distributor.

The crazy thing was... it was their food and we were stealing it and giving it back to them like it was a big favor.

Nobody asked any questions because Pierce's experience as a CEO had taught him how to keep the wheels from squeaking.

I had it all worked out on a schedule.

You know, ive never been fired from a job and this is, like, my perfect job.

I'm Mr. Chicken fingers.

The minute before you thought about busting us, that was the minute you had a chicken in your hand.

Everyone had their hand out.

Everyone wanted what we had.

Oh! Oh, well.

So we had anything we wanted.

And Jeff had the most important job of all.

He was at the top.

He was the boss.

He was our leader.

What the hell is going on?

A/V kids hooked it up.

Abed supplied the whole department with chicken fingers.

You think that's good, check out my posse and Troy's monkey.

Troy, why do you have a monkey?

Uh, it's an animal that looks like a dude.

Why don't I have ten of them?

Guys, look what Abed scored for me.

[gasps]

Ooh.

It has a million zippers and it was free.

[cheering]

[rhythmic clapping]

Oh.

Ooh, robot.

I am a robot.

I am programmed to love this backpack.

This is insane.

More insane than programming them to replace auto workers?

What?

Okay, okay, if you're not in this study group, please.

No, no.

That means you, sexy dreadlocks, Britta's hairdresser...

What?

Pierce's hackneyed entourage.

Hackneyed?

You see the turban guy?

Yes, in a '90s ski movie that featured an entourage.

Don't you guys think this is getting out of hand?

Oh, we're not gonna get caught.

We have campus security on the take.

Abed's got it all figured out.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that's a relief.

Yeah, it's pretty cool being friends with the biggest man on campus.

Isn't that right, Annie's Boobs?

[monkey screeches]

Please rename that thing!

And this time, not with a contest on Twitter.

It's his Twitter account.

He can do what he wants.

They are my body parts!

I do not consent to this!

You know what I don't appreciate?

[overlapping arguing]

I wouldn't thr*aten a monkey.

They have more lactic acid than us.

Shared my chicken with him.

Talk to the backpack.

I told you!

You're the worst, Annie.

Streets ahead!

Line starts behind you.

Oh, he's cool.

Six fingers every Wednesday.

Cool. And what can you offer?

I have a bicycle and I teach Beginner's Tennis.

Cool. Okay.

Six fingers Wednesdays.

All right.

We'll be in touch, Janel.

Thank you, Abed.

You're welcome.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, buddy.

It's quite a setup you got here.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it.

It turns out everyone has needs and everyone has functions.

Look, um, ive been thinking maybe I need to hit the big red button and bring an end to this operation.

I mean, it's been fun, but it's out of control now.

Am I right?

I don't know.

The entire campus is controlled by our group, our group is controlled by chicken, and the chicken is controlled by me.

Float?

I'm good.

Abed, the mafia movie is over.

I'm not doing a mafia movie.

In fact, I don't need to use movies or TV shows to talk to people anymore.

Before, I only needed them because the day-to-day world made no sense to me, but now, everyone's speaking the same language.

Chicken.

I understand people and they finally understand me.

Abed, eventually people are gonna get tired of chicken.

I'm tired of chicken.

You're not tired of chicken.

You miss the taste of control.

[scoffs]

Well, that's crazy.

Is it?

Unfortunately, the very thing that drove you to this dorm room is what would prevent you from properly running this machine or even being a cog in it.

Your ego.

[scoffs] Well...

I see. I see.

This has been about me the whole time.

You want a sh*t at the Jeff Winger throne?

You better bring a powerful ass.

Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego.

My Facebook photo is a landscape.

You're the best, Eduardo.

Thank you all for coming.

Can we make this quick?

I need to give a banana to Annie's Boobs.

Abed is drunk with chicken power.

He's gone from lovable Johnny Five to Evil Hal.

Hal Holb...

Not Hal Holbrook.

What are you saying?

You all have to stop working for him.

[gasps]

Let this operation dry up and let his wheels spin down.

At which point you would be in charge again, right?

What?

This is so sad.

You're jealous of Abed because he's providing for us.

Mm-hmm.

No, I'm concerned about Abed because he won't listen to reason.

Won't listen to your reason.

Mm-hmm.

Why should he? Jeff's so not...

Say "Streets ahead" and die.

Streets ahead.

[gasps]

You want to boss me around?

Get me an entourage.

Get Troy a monkey.

That's what a real boss does.

Yes.

We probably shouldn't even be talking to him without checking with Abed.

I'm already trying him.

He's not picking up. What did you do with him?

I don't believe what greedy sellouts you people turned out to be.

I'm not gonna stand here and be ignored.

Shh! Voicemail.

Hey, Abed.

Jeff says you're not listening to him.

Does that mean we shouldn't listen to him either?

Oh, also, should we make special jackets for our crime family?

Like, blazers with chicken finger patches.

I don't know. Long message. I'm sorry.

That's it!

Ooh!

Abed!

[cheers and applause]

Look, I'm walking out this door right now.

Okay.

Okay.

For real.

Good.

I'm not gonna look back.

Mm-hmm.

Good-bye.

Good-bye!

Abed! [cheers and applause]

Hi!

Yes!

Anybody need anything?

Oh, everything. You look handsome.

I like everything about you now, Abed.

I want a new hairdresser though.

Yeah, I got you fired.

You deserved it.

Maybe. Maybe not.

The question is, "What do they deserve?"

Key to the kitchen.

There's a valve on the back of the chicken fryer that's not made anymore.

Now, say someone were to remove it.

The fryer wouldn't work... forever.

How petty do you think I am?

Jeff leaving the family didn't turn out to be a problem.

Okay, I think we're set for the quiz.

Yep.

See you guys in class.

Oh, wait. Before you go.

Oh, free notebooks.

Here.

But the family's success started to go to their heads.

They didn't have college ruled?

No, sorry.

It's okay.

Abed?

Yeah?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

We have a situation.

Hey.

Who is this?

It's Travis.

You said you wanted someone in your entourage named Travis.

Show him your license.

Travis is his middle name.

I go by Travis.

No, you go by the door.

See you, Travis.

Get it right next time.

Abed?

Yep?

No, no, no, no.

My monkey hates this caviar.

Troy, isn't that...

They were spoiled, fat, lazy.

I'd given them everything and somehow I'd lost their respect.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I did what I thought Jeff would do.

I sent them a message.

What is that?

I think it might be a backpack that's been mutilated.

These were the bad times.

There he is.

Jeff.

Jeff!

Jeff!

Jeff!

Jeff!

Abed k*lled my backpack.

And I caught him stuffing my man full of chicken and Tyler Perry has a whole series of movies about why that's wrong.

That little Arab is off his rocker.

He released Annie's Boobs.

Annie's Boobs could be anywhere.

Annie's Boobs could be on the side of the road.

We got it.

The monkey's name is "Annie's Boobs".

Look what Abed did to my hair.

I feel terrible for all of you.

Wait, no, I don't, because I warned you about all this, but you were so high on your backpacks and hairstyles you accused me of being jealous.

You were right. But what can we do?

I'm sorry, you brushed over that first part.

Together.

You were right.

Now what you can do is go home and write that on your bathroom mirror.

Wouldn't that make it seem like I was right?

Yeah, because it would be my mirror.

It's not gonna be reversed because you're the one who...

[overlapping talking]

[talking stops]

As for Abed, for his sake I guess ill have to take him out.

Poor little guy.

Oh, good. That's nice.

Abed.

What are you doing?

Making tater tots.

You were right, people got sick of chicken.

But I was close.

I just need a new food, a new system.

I'm gonna experiment with jalapeno poppers next and then zucchini zircles.

I don't get it.

It's not that complicated, Jeff.

They replaced the "C" in circle with a "Z" for zucchini.

No, no, I mean, why are you here?

You said you were close?

What were you close to?

To the group?

To people?

Please don't do a special episode about me.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

Everyone else needs my help.

That's what people don't get, is that they need to get me.

I just need to be able to connect to people like you can, and then I can make everyone happy like you do.

[sighs]

Do you know why I'm here?

You got caught with a fake Bachelor's Degree.

By the way, they started using that as a seasonal arc on Law & Order.

Total rip off.

I'm here to dismantle the fryer, to cut your power off at its source.

Don't you see what happened?

I manipulated the group into getting you the fry cook job so I could have some chicken.

And you turned it all into a way to make everyone like you.

Mm-hmm.

Made me ashamed of myself.

Made me jealous.

Maybe this is a special episode.

It's pretty alarming behavior, Jeff.

Yeah.

You know, there's specialists you could talk to.

Yeah, maybe I should do that.

Mm-hmm.

In the meantime...

Mm-hmm?

Let's make a deal.

I'll help you connect with people, and you help me do a better job with them.

Like Knight Rider.

Exactly. Like Knight Rider.

Deal.

I'll put on a leather jacket and make out with an aerobics instructor. you pull around front and comedically startle passersby with your ability to talk.

Maybe we should just stay here and have a plate of chicken fingers.

Cool.

Can we eat them while sitting on a table like in Sixteen Candles?

Pick one reference, Abed.

Sixteen Candles.

And just like that, the mafia movie was over.

I quit the fry cook job, somewhat for the sake of the family, but mostly for the sake of Jeff's ego.

Poor guy.

Things went back to normal.

Now everyone's back to being a bunch of regular schnooks, and I'm back to being a weirdo, back to watching from the outside...

For now.

There's still not enough chicken fingers.

No way.

What?

'Cause as soon as our family moved out, a new syndicate moved in to take its place.

But you know what they'll never make a replacement for?

[makes sizzling sound]

Friends.

Okay, thank you. That's great, Abed.

But could you just answer the question?

What was it?

Do you know who might have stolen a box of hairnets from the kitchen?

Someone with hair.

I'm gonna write that down.