01x22 - The Art of Discourse

[bunniefuu]

Good mood, bad rhyme, and is that a carb on your plate?

I got a "B" on my Nutrition final, and I am celebrating with pie and a dollop of whipped irony.

Nice. I'm knitting something for my new cat.

It's been two weeks since I lost Suzie B., so I figured it was time to move on.

Not being an animal lover, I assume it'll be nice to start over with a fresh kitten.

Fresh kitten? I go to a shelter and rescue an animal that genuinely needs my help.

Okay?

Why do you think I am knitting a tiny, little eye patch?

Excuse me. Hi.

We're in High School, but we're here taking some classes for college credit.

Well, all right. Way to be go-getters.

Thanks.

So we were... we were just wondering...

Can you tell us exactly what you did in your lives to end up here so that we don't make the same mistakes?

[snickering]

Because if I end up 35 and celebrating a "B" in Nutrition in community college, ill k*ll myself.

Watch it.

Yeah, watch it.

Or what, Schmitty?

[laughter] Schmitty!

You gonna knit me something sad in your house full of cats with no furniture?

Listen, it is a studio apartment, and knitting is hip.

Winona Ryder knits.

[laughs] Who?

Schmitty!

Schmitty.

Schmits!

Schmitty.

I have done things with my life.

Awesome things.

I've been to 14 countries.

I helped build a school in Kenya.

I once met Sting at a cr*cker Barrel.

Why are you letting a bunch of teenagers get to you?

I don't even remember what they said.

It just rolled off my back...

Would you stop tuning that guitar?

You are 105 years old!

Tell me exactly what you did with your life to end up here so I don't make the same mistakes!

Excuse me!

But it's springtime, and I thought I might woo a few chicks.

[strumming guitar]

♪ No one to watch while we're kissing. ♪
♪ ♪
♪ No one to see while we spoon. ♪
♪ Let's take a trip in my airship, ♪
♪ and we'll visit the man in the moon. ♪

Hey, hey, hey.

What the... hey!

Hey! What?

[shouts]

What the hell?

Sorry.

Animal House.

A reference my ears applaud.

I couldn't resist.

Smashing the guitar of someone singing a cloying love song was on my quintessential college experience list.

Your what?

It's a list of everything that movies have taught me comprises a successful first year at college.

Bond with a group of loveable misfits.

Check.

Take on the school bully.

Check.

Make out with the hottest girl on campus.

Check-a-rooni.

Unfortunately, the school year's almost over, and there's a bunch of stuff left on the list.

Well, ill help you finish it.

I'll be like your Morgan Freeman.

Like in The Bucket List.

The what?

Stand up for a second.

Uh, over here.

Stand there. Okay, turn around.

[gasps]

[Laughs]

[laughs]

What the hell?

Pantsing someone was on my list.

It would have been better if you were wearing the standard giant hearts on underwear, but ill take it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope getting pantsed is on your list.

Ha-ha! [laughter and exclamations]

It is.

[laughter]

What's so funny?

This!

[gasps]

Oh! Um.

[laughs]

Get it?

[upbeat music]

Finally.

No.

Pierce, Shirley is way too angry to talk to you right now.

Yeah, you'll have to apologize later.

Apologize? For what?

She... she should apologize to me.

She ruined my joke.

Oh, my God.

There's a grandpa schlip-schlap.

"Have you seen my Schmitty, Sonny?"

"Help me. I'm gonna crap my pants."

"Someone help me."

Oh!

Seriously, Nutrition, this is your life?

Actually, I was a lawyer.

Looks like that went well.

And now you hang out With schlip-schlap and schlap-skank.

Oh, my God, is she wearing a discman?

[laughter]

How could you do this to me?

What? Discmans are retro.

Oh, is retro when you're 30 and broke and can't afford an iPod, Schmitty?

Oh, bug-a-bah.

I think Schmitty means loser.

Both: We know!

You may come back in now.

I have something to say.

This better be a good apology.

This has been a long time coming, and we have all joked around and rolled our eyes at him, but there has been a transgression today, and I will no longer continue to be a part of the group with this man.

Just skip to the "I'm sorry."

You are pathological, and you will never change.

Huh. That is the pot calling the kettle... a kettle, okay.

Oh, you can say black, Pierce.

I'm a black woman. The cat is out the bag.

You have literally identified me to strangers as "the black woman."

Out of context.

Context is everything.

I call the other women "flat-butt" and "the one Abed wants to nail."

So what's the context for constantly referring to me as a lesbian?

If the wallet chain fits.

I'm just trying to help you find yourself.

At least he doesn't think that Shirley's my mom anymore.

He thinks that we're cousins.

You're not?

He still assumes I'm a t*rror1st.

If you're not, I'm sorry.

And if you are, I'm a hero.

I'm willing to take that chance.

You said I have a crafty, Jew brain.

Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore.

Look, either he leaves the group, or I do.

[laughs]

You just dug your own grave.

Hey. What's up?

They kicked me out of the group.

Damn. Want to buy some cookies?

Ten bucks a box. Oh, crap!

[pants]

Have you seen a Chinese kid?

Twerps.

Oh, hey, Pierce. How's it going?

Unrepentant child.

Such a child.

Ooh, here comes stinky turd face.

Remember, we don't stop till he's crying.

Oh, check out franken-mom.

Ooh, use that. No wedding ring.

He's a child of divorce.

We can make fun of him for coming from a broken home.

I don't care if this gets dirty.

He asked for it.

You're right.

Get ready to meet Jeff Winger, esquire, Attorney at "ah, snap."

It'll be better than that.

Hey, Clearasil, What time your mommy's picking you up?

After she's done sh**ting The Real Housewives of Greendale County?

"After she's done sh**ting The Real Housewives of Greendale County."

Duh!

That's a clever retort.

"That's a clever retort." Duh.

Brilliant.

"Brilliant." Duh.

Your parents are divorced.

Both: Oh, "your parents are divorced."

All: Duh!

[scoffs]

all: [scoff] duh!

Schmitty.

Forget it. Come on.

Come on. Forget that...

Duh!

Where you going, Schmitty?

Duh!

I'm sorry, little Schmitty.

Mimicry is the lowest form...

Stop talking.

[blathering]

Stop talking. Duh!

Hey, you two.

[Grumbles]

What is that?

Billy. City college's mascot.

Stealing a rival school's mascot was part of Abed's list.

Check.

Bringing a goat to our study group... that's a great idea, Troy.

Thanks. Must have been hard for you to say that.

It's called sarcasm, Troy.

Ask the goat to explain it to you.

Why do I feel like I'm being dissed?

Because you are being dissed.

Why are you two dissing Troy?

Because they no longer have Pierce.

[scoffs]

What?

Pierce's universally recognized social flaws made him the scapegoat, a lightning rod.

Now he's gone, so there's lightning everywhere.

That sounds dangerous.

My uncle was struck by lightning.

You think it'd give you superpowers, but now he just masturbates in theaters.

It's very dangerous.

We've lost our Cliff Clavin.

Our George Costanza. Our turtle.

Or Johnny Drama. Or Eve.

Man, that show is sloppy.

So what's gonna happen?

It's only a matter of time before one of us becomes the new Pierce.

Well, I sure as hell am not gonna be the new Pierce.

And if all we need is an escape-goat, I think we should just let this one go.

Sometimes you've got to be pretending, Troy.

Maybe the new Pierce is Britta.

Yeah, right.

How do you pronounce bagel again?

Bah-gel.

She calls bagels bah-gels.

We do make fun of a lot of what you do and say.

Yeah. Right to my face, 'cause I can take it, unlike a certain someone else.

[gasps]

[Mimics gasp]

[gasps]

all: [mimic gasp]

Come on, everybody, let's not make fun of Annie.

No, no, I don't want anybody's pity.

You know, come to think of it, after Pierce, You're the most bigoted.

What?

All: Mm.

When you found out I was Jewish, tou invited me to a pool party that turned out to be a baptism.

Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into Heaven.

Ooh, what about Abed? Abed's weird.

No, it's not Abed.

He's all right. We like Abed.

Guys, have you considered the "New Pierce" concept is stupid?

Spoken like the new Pierce.

You're right.

I am not the new Pierce.

[arguing] You said the world wide web.

Damn the old Pierce. Oh, he makes me so mad.

You're Pierce's cousin.

Don't double Pierce me.

And you're the triple Pierce.

That's so unfair.

Guys, guys.

I can't believe I'm gonna utter these words, But we need Pierce in this group.

But we can't ask Shirley to let him back in.

That would be so insensitive.

Well, maybe he'll admit he's wrong...

Two, three, four. Uh, not!

[snorts]

We need Pierce.

Just stick to the script and make it sincere.

It's not gonna be sincere because I'm pretending to apologize.

Okay, but you're not getting back in the group unless she thinks you're sincere.

Stubborn fool.

Can we hurry this up?

Troy and I are pledging the cool fraternity, and unbeknownst to us, we're actually the target of ridicule and don't have a chance in hell of getting in.

Yeah. They're making us walk around with pretzels in our butts.

I put mustard on mine like an idiot.

Okay, Pierce, you can do this.

Oh, boy.

What's he...

Yup.

Shirley, I know you don't want to hear what I have to say, but I owe you this.

From the moment we first met, I knew you were gonna be...

Seriously!

Oh, Shirley! [laughs]

You are unbelievable!

I'm not wearing my contacts. These are mine.

Give them to me. Oh, but I'm a bag guy.

You have the same bag, so I thought, you know...

That's right, 'cause nothing is ever your fault.

You know what, screw you.

I don't even owe you an apology.

They wrote this.

Just pretend like you asleep.

Just pretend like you asleep.

Thank you!

Now I fully understand where I have always stood.

I'm entitled to my pride until it gets in the way of what you guys want.

Got nothing to say?

Well, I do.

I'm out of the group.

What...Shirley!

All: Shirley!

Oh, Shirley, don't go. Please.

Uh-oh, sassy, black Schmitty's out of the group.

Oh, no. Not the group.

Poor, sad, little Schmitties.

Can't all of us little Schmitties get along?

Show me! Would you please hurry up?

I am late for my bikini wax.

Hurry, please.

Who was that?

A punk-ass who needs to be destroyed.

And I just figured out how.

Um, can we focus on what's important here?

Shirley thinks we don't care about her.

No, no, you're right. You're right.

You're right. That's totally more important.

I just... I just thought of one thing.

You need to bang that kid's mom.

Um, after we fix everything with Shirley.

Whoa!

Yes, yes, yes, we'll deal with Shirley, but that's brilliant!

I know.

Because then anything that he says about you...

He'll be saying to a dude that banged his mom!

Oh, my God, you guys.

Sorry. Shirley.

Shirley.

Okay.

Yes!

[car horn blasts]

[car horn blasts]

[beeps]

All right, bye, everybody.

Have a great day.

Be right here at 3:00, please.

I'll be in a hurry.

Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you.

You don't happen to have an extra bottle of sports drink, do you?

Actually, I do.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Gotta hydrate, right?

But obviously you know. You work out.

Well, I try to keep things where they should be.

I think I might be where should I be.

I don't know about your robot, Abed.

Boobatron's great.

And once someone spills bong water on his circuitry and he comes alive, he's gonna make us the coolest guys on campus and help us get babes.

Those are real babes who will really laugh at us.

Hey. You're my friend, right?

Friends are supposed to help each other, no matter what!

Okay.

Ridiculous situation descending into heavy-handed drama for the illusion of story.

Ch-ch-ch-ch. Check.

What? That was awesome.

All right, I am back in.

Cool.

All right, here we go.

Just so you know, I'm Shirley.

Wouldn't want you reaching for me should you get a hankering for pancakes.

I'm old, and I do not see well.

And you already won, so shut it.

I won? Oh, no.

They want you in the group, and I quit, so you go ahead and hang with them.

No, thanks.

I'm sick of the way that group treats me.

Preaching to the choir.

Tell you what I'm not gonna miss...

Abed and Troy's silly little games.

Grow up, already.

[laughs] And by the way, thanks for including me.

Please, you think Annie and Britta invite me when they take those little weekend trips to the mall?

They just think of me as some sort of mom.

They both need to learn some manners, and, you know what, Annie needs to stop dating Vaughn.

He is cute, but he is not the kind of boy I envisioned her ending up with.

No matter how hard you try, you can never be as cool or funny as they are.

It's called respect, and no one ever gave me diddly.

Except me.

I respect you more than anyone else in the group.

Which is why you pantsed me?

Well, but, you see, that wasn't wrong.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, you are such a arrogant, self-righteous ass.

And you are a strong, dignified woman who's raising a family, a bigger accomplishment than anybody else in that room.

And nobody can ever strip you of that, not even me.

You really believe that?

Yes.

And that's why you think pantsing me wasn't wrong?

It wasn't.

[laughs]

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Did I misread that?

[moans happily]

Oh, here, let me just do that.

You sure you don't want some vodka?

Oh, I'm good. I'm good.

I'm at school.

At 2:00 P.M.

Did someone just take a Schmitty?

Hey. Looks like you'll be calling somebody daddy soon.

Or at least your mom will be tonight.

Dude, you are so pathetic.

Mark?

Mom, ive been pwning this loser all week, and he thinks that he can get back at me through you.

What? Pwning?

Pwning.

Do you even know what it means?

Oh, I see what's going on here.

Look, I don't want to come between a son and his beautiful, vivacious mom.

Oh, my God, you are pathetic.

Yeah. So's the dumb whore who's in on it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I gotta tell you, Chantel, you have raised a terrible human being.

We're better than this.

No, you're not!

I raised a winner who will continue to crush junior college losers like you.

Ooh!

All: Schmitty!

I'm sorry. This is a matter of pride.

[sighs]

What are you looking at?

"What are you looking at?" duh!

[laughter]

"What are you looking at? Duh!" duh!

School his ass, Mark.

"School his ass, Mark." Duh!

[blathers] Duh.

Duh. Duh. Duh.

Duh! D-d-duh! Duh!

All: [blathering and shouting "duh"]

Why are Jeff and Britta making fun of those handicapped kids?

They don't even realize how much they need us.

All: [blathering and shouting "duh"]

Why are they doing this?

I don't know if you've noticed, but Jeff and Britta have the two most fragile egos of the group.

These kids will pretty much destroy them.

[blathering continues]

Hey!

What are you doing?

What the hell?

Hey, you didn't say duh!

We win.

No.

You're the Schmitties.

No, no, we're minors.

Yeah.

I'm calling the cops.

No, you're not.

You have already embarrassed me by getting pwned.

Don't be such a girl. Go.

Yeah. See that.

Yes. Suck it!

Duh. Yeah.

Schmitty face!

And we showed you, high schoolers!

Congratulations on your victory.

Thank you, Annie.

Yeah, thank you.

And thanks, you guys.

Any time.

Look, Pierce and I are considering rejoining the group, and maybe we can all be a little more mature.

I hear that.

Abed, ive had enough of this list.

Doing this stuff isn't fun.

It just feels forced.

Fine. I'll deactivate Boobatron.

But trust me, classic college experiences never happen organically.

Both: [gasp]

[laughs]

Both: Food fight!

Oh, no!

[shouting]

Are you sure it's the name of my grade school and my favorite soft drink?

Yup. Pretty sure.

George Washington Lemon Fresca.

That's a horrible p*rn name.

I don't make the rules.

What's yours?

Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt.

Oh, that's good.

Hello, Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt.

How many p*rn have you been in?

6,012. How many p*rn have you been in, George Washington Lemon Fresca?

2,019. It's my first week.

Impressive.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[p*rn music plays]

Someone here order a pizza?

Is it you guys?

It has extra sausage.

No.

It's big and hot.

That's my pizza.

But you took longer than 30 minutes, So I'm not paying.