02x21 - Paradigms of Human Memory

[###]

I can't believe this is our 20th and final anthropology diorama of the year.

I can't believe our assignment is making a diorama of us making our 19th diorama.

Annie: That's kind of weird.

Oh, come on. My forehead is not this big.

Troy, can you pass me that paintbrush?

[GASPS]

Troy: My monkey!

My monkey took that paintbrush and went into that vent.

Oh, I miss him so much.

Someone's got to go after him.

Chang: I got this.

[ALL SCREAM]

What are you doing? Trust me.

I know these vents like the back of my Chang.

Holy...

That a new stereotype?

[GRUNTING]

[###]

Oh, my God. Did you find him?

Is that a new stereotype?

No, and no. But there's all kinds of stuff in here.

Guys, you won't believe this.

Ooh. It's like a sentimental treasure pile.

Oh, that's my spoon.

No!

Oh, Hubba Bubba. Cool. I thought they stopped making this.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

And that's all of it.

Good. That means you can put your clothes back on.

Uh-uh. I'm going back in.

Abed: Why?

Monkey took my spoon.

[CHANG GRUNTS]

It's like a reverse cow birth.

Britta: Annie, look!

All of your purple pens are here.

Do you remember when you got so mad because you thought someone was stealing them?

There are so many memories in this pile.

Look.

Whoa. The deputy's badge from when we spent that day in that old ghost town.

Oh, yeah.

We have to find the saloon.

Every building is a saloon.

We gotta go! Get the tarnation back here, you city-slicking sons of... Aah!

[GUNSHOT]

Eh. Mm-mm.

That was one of the best days of the year.

I almost forgot about it. We almost got shot.

Yeah, but by a prospector in red long underwear. How cool was that?

Glad you had fun. By the way, that dude was hard-core racist, like 1800s Disney-style.

We learned new ways to hate ourselves.

Hey, glee club trophy.

You guys remember when we had to fill in for glee club?

[PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]

[BOTH HUMMING UPBEAT MELODY]

[SHIRLEY HUMMING UPBEAT MELODY]

Guys, that's not a fond memory.

We won, like, 70 awards. Yeah, but the reason we had to fill in for glee club was because they... died.

Their bus crashed.

I know, but I was remembering around that part.

Yeah, focus on the positives, like we got that cool new bus driver.

Nice try, Britta, but it's been a dark year.

Pierce got hooked on painkillers. Shirley's having an unplanned baby.

Apparently, Chang is in the group? It's true. God hates us.

Remember when Abed had a total mental breakdown at Christmas?

That was adorable and magical. He thought everything was claymation.

Heh, heh.

Pierce: Yeah.

But everything wasn't.

And what do you see now, Abed?

A candy cane forest. We're all running through the candy cane forest.

Oh, careful, don't trip on a gumdrop. Oh, no, I tripped!

On a gumdrop!

Yay. Let's find Santa some more.

Well, I think this year was awesome.

Full of good times with great people.

Come on, you guys. Stop focusing on all the bad stuff and dig deep.

Abed, you're a computer. Scan your mainframe for some juicy memories.

[###]

Jeff and Britta are having secret s*x.

Annie & Shirley: Oh!

Uh...

Exhibit A, the one thing I do remember from Halloween.

[CHATTERING AND DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hi. Hi.

You need some help in there? Yeah, well, I can't use my hands in this costume, so...

[SNARLING]

Well, uh...

Abed: Exhibit B.

Something I overheard during Christmas.

Why would I want to be in a school that hates Christmas?

He's got a point. Kidding. What are you doing later?

How about some holiday benefits? Hey.

Lxnay in front of Uncan-day.

Hm.

[SCOFFS]

Finally, exhibit C, the curious circumstances following the exciting conclusion of our St. Patrick's Day adventure.

Jeff: Really?

Britta: Yeah.

Oh! Abed!

Uh... Uh, uh... A leprechaun took our clothes.

And you can never tell anyone, okay?

Okay, so we hooked up a few times, but there's a much larger issue here.

We are friends with a grown man that clearly believes in leprechauns.

[###]

[SCOFFS]

Didn't we decide at the beginning that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?

Troy, we never said ourselves.

Okay, now I'm really mad.

Shirley: So am I.

Now we know why our year's been so horrible.

It's not God that hates us. It's Jeff and Britta.

Oh, please. If we were ruining your year, why didn't you know about it?

Maybe we were so distracted by all the other times you put yourselves before the group. What?

When have we ever put ourselves before the group?

You want examples? I think they want some examples.

Okay, let's give them some examples. Troy, drop a beat.

Just give them some examples. Fine.

Chipmunk.

Mm. Impressive, Mr. Winger. Someone's going to regionals.

Man [on TV]: It's a special cape. A cape for justice.

What are you doing?

Britta: There's rioting in Tunisia!

The Cape is premiering. Humanity is premiering, you jags.

We need to talk.

These people are giving out free iPhones!

Woman: What?

Annie: No, no.

Troy: No!

This habitat was for humanity.

Whoever did it, step forward.

You five are in big trouble.

Jeff and Britta, you're free to go.

Because you didn't step forward, and are therefore innocent.

You can't ignore the facts. You two are ruining this group.

Just because we're good-Iooking doesn't make us villains.

Are you sure you guys have the group's best interests at heart?

Feast your ear tongues on these memory pops.

Pierce, you've had three flu shots. That's for the day-care center.

I'll be a living god!

I'm glad you're considering the exciting opportunity of selling Lady Miss Lady cosmetics. Please, open your starter kits.

Okay, now that the seals have been broken, you each owe me $50.

[CAWING]

[CAWING]

[CAWING]

I'm Jeff Winger. Does this hard-boiled egg make me look fat?

[IN DEEP VOICE] My name is Jeff Winger. I love working this BlackBerry because it tones my thumbs. Heh, heh, heh.

It was a particularly small egg. That's why I was asking.

You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster.

Show's gonna last three weeks!

Abed: Six seasons and a movie!

Pierce, you can't sneak up on me like that.

When I'm startled, my training takes over.

Shirley: Hello!

[ANNIE GASPS]

Those are just stories about us being cute.

You guys go out of your way to endanger the fabric of the group.

Yeah, leave our fabric alone.

You guys aren't seeing the bigger picture.

We compartmentalized our libidos for the good of the group.

Oh, you compartmentalized, did you?

Then what's been going on with us all year?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the Annie of it all.

The long looks, the stolen glances.

The general atmosphere of "Would they, might they?"

Annie, I think you're reading into some things.

Oh, really?


[SARA BAREILLES' "GRAVITY" PLAYS]

Oh, give me a break.

I mean, you could do the same thing with Pierce and Abed.

[SCOFFS]

[SARA BAREILLES' "GRAVITY" PLAYS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Let's be honest, there's more between you and Annie than between me and Pierce. How dare you?

Abed, it's called chemistry.

I have it with everybody.

Everybody? I haven't felt any of that chemistry coming my way.

I don't know if you're racist or I intimidate you sexually, but it's one of those.

Dean-a-ling-a-ling. I was just heading to judge our belated carnival when I heard you guys having a tiff. What's the rumpus?

We were debating how many times per year a man can drop in a study room in a dumb costume with irrelevant news.

Dean-yow!

It's Feline Aids Awareness day, folks, so let's whip it in the keister.

[HUMMING]

Guys, Greendale's music department is flat "baroque," so we are having a fund-raiser.

What's dean got to do with it? Heh, heh, heh.

Why, it's time to Tina "Turner" the clocks ahead. Happy daylight savings!

Deanie, vidi, vici! I came, I saw, I conquered the idea of a free Caesar-salad bar in the cafeteria.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dean. Heh, heh.

That's right, Greendale presents "Gone With the Windows," where we'll celebrate our new energy-conscious windows with a cotillion. Heh, heh, heh.

Oop.

Okay.

Well, I guess we don't see our patterns until they're all laid out in front of us.

Thank you for being so nice about it.

Oh, dean. Dean. Can we please stop fighting?

We're starting to hurt innocent perverts.

I don't want to stop. We're airing out this dirty laundry.

After that, we'll stop fighting forever.

Am I the only one that remembers our horrible camping trip?

Britta: "Some-mores," not "s'mores."

Jeff: No, you're saying it wrong.

Troy: I just found out about it.

Jeff: It's pronounced "s'mores."

Yeah, it's a contraction of "some mores."

So contract it. Stop saying "some-mores" unless you "can not."

Guys! We need to stop fighting.

No, we don't. It's good that we're getting all this out there. After this, we'll stop fighting.

That's what we said when we were painting Shirley's nursery.

Pierce: I was talking about the paint.

Shirley: You were being racist.

When I'm being racist, you'll know.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Abed: Guys! Let's not repeat events of Caesar Salad Day.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

We need more people like Ralph Nader in this country!

He was promoting automotive safety! Aah!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

Troy, your nose is bleeding.

Abed, stop being meta.

Why do you always take whatever happens and shove it up its own ass? He's not being meta.

He's pointing out what none of us acknowledge.

It's all of us. This group is toxic. We fight about fighting about fighting.

We're sick. I hate us!

Well, what do we do now?

We could do what we always do. Storm out in a huff and say that the group is breaking up.

[###]

Troy, pass me that paintbrush, please.

Aah!

Does anybody have any iodine?

How many vents are you gonna crawl out of this year?

[###]

That's it. We're done.

Troy: Yeah. Done.

See you all tomorrow.

You guys, wait. I wanna say something.

You don't have to save us with a speech. We're not breaking up.

So we don't need to get back together.

I know I don't have to, but I want to.

Look, we've known each other for almost two years now.

And, yeah, in that time, ive given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common.

They're all different.

These drug runners aren't gonna execute Pierce because he's racist.

It's a locomotive that runs on us.

And the only sharks in that water...

Are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear.

Anchovies. Fear.

And the dangers of ingesting mercury. Ah!

Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds.

And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad. And even if there were...

The Cape still might find a second life on cable.

And ill tell you why.

[IN SPANISH] The heart of the water is truth.

[IN ENGLISH] That water is a lie!

Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave transmissions!

So maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe it's just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group.

Like the Traveling Wilburys.

Jeff: Yes, Troy.

Like the Traveling Wilburys of pain, prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way.

I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to every one of them.

Oh, Jeffrey.

Pierce: Oh, Jeff.

Jeffrey, Jeffrey.

Well, I guess we can get through anything.

So it's probably okay if you and Britta want to keep, you know, hooking up.

Shirley: I don't mind it so much.

Abed: I'm cool with it.

God cares.

Abed: Have fun tonight.

So... guess we don't have to keep sneaking around anymore.

Yeah, I guess not.

Wanna stop doing this? Yeah. Wanna stop doing this? Yeah.

It's not you, it's me. It's you.

Chang: Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, you guys remember the time when...?

[GIBBERING]

Those guys don't care who they hurt, do they?

You know, I still don't even know if I'm in the group.

[SIGHS]

[SARA BAREILLES' "GRAVITY" PLAYS]

Hey, you and I have had some pretty good times, huh?

Ow! Ow!

Aah! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Aah!

[SIGHS]

What a year.

Ow! Ow! Aah!

Aah! Ow! Ow!

[PELTON HUMMING UPBEAT MELODY]

Hey, everybody. Can I help you with anything?

I care about you guys.

Shut up, dean. You dress in stupid outfits.

Well, you have a right to your opinion, so ill just leave.

You could have been nicer to the dean, Jeff.

So what? I don't care.

I just think there maybe could be repercussions, yo.

I don't care what you think. I don't care about repercussions.

I don't care about the dean.

Okay. Okay.

Announcer: Meanwhile, at that same moment, a truck full of toxic waste crashes and spills on the dean, transforming him into Mega-Dean!

I don't care about anything.

[PELTON HUMMING]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAM]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Wait. I care now! Now I care!

Too late.

[BONES CRUNCHING AND JEFF SCREAMING]

[BELCHES]

I owe you guys an apology.

The dean runs our school. He's entitled to a modicum of respect.

You're always so mean to him. Why?

It's embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I felt jealous of his interesting outfits.

Jeffrey, if I didn't know better, id say you had a crush on him.

I'll never tell!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[PELTON HUMMING UPBEAT MELODY]