01x09 - Big Time Break

[bunniefuu]

Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time.

My hair dryer blew up and I.

Yes.

Heard it.

About 30 times.

You know what I think ruins a smoothie?

Yes.

Raspberry seeds.

Heard it.

Hey, do you guys remember that time.

Robots from space.

That's it.

We are spending way too much time together.

I am starting to hate all of you.

Same here.

Split up!

Split up again!

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah, oh ♪
♪ make it count, play it straight ♪
♪ don't look back, don't hesitate ♪
♪ when you go big time ♪
♪ what you want, what you feel ♪
♪ never quit and make it real ♪
♪ when you roll big time ♪
♪ oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ hey, hey ♪
♪ listen to your heart now ♪
♪ hey, hey ♪
♪ don't you feel the rush ♪
♪ uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ go and shake it up ♪
♪ whatcha gotta lose ♪
♪ go and make your luck ♪
♪ with the life you choose ♪
♪ if you want it all, lay it on the line ♪
♪ it's the only life you got so you got to live it big time ♪

Dogs, I'm taking the rest of the day off.

I'm starting to hate all of you.

We hate you too.

Yeah, tons of hate.

Really?

Well, then, split up!

Okay, what part of splitting up are we not getting here?

Who cares? We have a day off.

I call pool.

Alone.

Stay away from me.

I'm gonna start my acting career.

This face needs to be on the big screen.

Ooh.

Right.

I'm going to a lecture by the gorgeous math genius Phoebe Nachee.

She combines my two favorite things: Girls and math.

Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do yet, but it'll be totally irresponsible.

Hey, where's my helmet?

My helmet's gone.

Ho!

Oh!

Logan, it's not up here.

Help me find it.

Ha-ha-ha. No.

Ah!

Who's gonna help me find my helmet?

Did someone lose a helmet?

Papi!

Son!

Yeah!

You know, you could have just knocked.

Ah, that's no fun.

Why are you spying on the new girl?

I'm not spying.

I'm secretly observing her from afar.

That's spying.

Katie.

Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

Yes, and it would be wrong of me to ask a girl out who's already taken.

Right?

Oh, please.

Hey, Jo!

Oh, hey, Kendall. What's up?

I have the day off, and I thought maybe we could... hang out.

You know I have a boyfriend.

Which is awesome.

And it's also awesome being just friends with girls.

It's cool.

Well, I was just about to hit the gym, and I could use a training partner.

Want to come along, just friend?

Yes.

I mean, what are we doing, weights?

Cardio?

Judo. Cool.

So you're a singer, right?

Yep.

Well, do you sing as good as you fight?

Oh.

Do you sing as good as you fall?

Oh, no.

Just let me know when you've had enough.

I could do this all day.

Boyfriend.

Ah!

Ear of bat and spleen of toad.

I'll turn you into a...

Hey, what are you thinking about?

Oh, I'm not thinking.

I'm acting like I'm thinking.

Come on, tell me this face doesn't belong on the big screen.

James, acting is about more than just being pretty.

I know.

It's also about washboard abs.

Check it.

Not bad.

But acting is not something you do.

It's something you are.

Oh, will you teach me your expert acting ways?

I wouldn't teach you if you begged me with your last dying breath.

Really?

No.

See, that was acting.

Welcome to the Camille Academy of Dramatic Arts.

Eye of newt and twist of fates.

Your acting future now awaits!

Baby powder.

Cool, right?

Sure.

Yes.

Love you.

This is an all-girls school.

No boys allowed.

But I have a ticket.

Oh, well, in that case, still not a girl.

Okay, I don't think Phoebe would like you talking to one of her fans like that.

Oh, well, let's find out.

Yes, I would.

Now, get out of here.

What? Ow! What are you doing?

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend, right, yeah.

It's official.

Your helmet has been stolen.

This stinks.

But I'm totally stoked that you're here, dad.

Oh, well...

I missed my boy.

And it's a good thing I'm here.

Officer Garcia is gonna cr*ck this case.

Just try not to go overboard this time, dad, okay?

Now, which one of you thieves stole my boy's purple ice pop?

Confess!

Thud!

Yeah, he did it.

Don't worry.

I've taken sensitivity training nine times.

Let's roll.

How am I gonna show off my washboard abs in this thing?

You're not.

They're holding auditions today for Witches of Rodeo Drive.

And I am taking you with me.

Great, because I just got some new head sh*ts.

Should I go with athletic dog trainer or confused astronaut?

Today you are an evil warlock.

Now, give me evil.

James, you call that evil?

See, it's got to come from within.

Yeah, so see that guy right over there?

Imagine that he broke your lucky comb.

Ah!

Yeah.

Hey.

Oopsy.

Ah!

Not the face! Not the face!

Not that! Definitely not... ow!

Press b-7.

Man, I wish I was a girl.

Oh, no, no, no, because, look, I want to go to Phoebe Nachee's math lecture at an all-girls school, but they won't let me in.

But you love Phoebe Nachee.

My heart and my brain ache for her.

Well, how badly do you want to go to that lecture?

Really bad, Mrs. Knight, really, really bad.

Yep, we're the same size.

What? I'm busy.

Come back never.

Whoa! Dad.

Let me handle this.

Mr. Bitters, somebody stole my helmet.

Can we please watch the hallway surveillance video?

That is private Palmwoods property.

There is no way I'm going to...

Well, I tried. Dad?

On second thought, why don't I take this staple remover, free myself, and get you that video?

Good cop, bad cop.

Works every time.

Tyler?

It couldn't be him.

Remember, son, everyone's guilty until proven innocent.

Buddha Bob?

Yep, there's your man.

Go get 'em, coppers.

Bye.

How did you do that?

Finish the tape.

Mr. Bitters.

Where's the helmet?

Hey, it's my favorite tie.

No, mom, I'm spending the day with a very nice boy.

No, he thinks I have a boyfriend.

Career first, boyfriend later, remember?

He's very cute.

I got to go, mom.

Love you. Bye.

Sorry. That was my mom.

Enjoy.

I will.

Hey, big brother.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Katie, I love you, but I'm a little busy right now.

You are a chump.

What, for going after a girl who has a boyfriend?

No, because you're going after a girl who's lying about having a boyfriend.

Say what?

What do you mean Jo doesn't have a boyfriend?

I heard her talking to her mother.

The whole boyfriend thing is a scam.

Now, look at her and give her the one second "my little sister's crazy"
gesture.

She's been playing me this whole time?

Like a fiddle.

What are you gonna do about it, big brother?

And remember, I look up to you.

Oh, you don't worry.

It's on.

Is your sister okay?

She's great.

Now, let's talk, just friend to just friend.

You got it. What do you want to talk about?

Your boyfriend.

What's his name? What's his favorite sport?

Is he allergic to shellfish?

Oh, well, um...

Travis doesn't really talk about sports or his allergies.

You sure you have a boyfriend?

I mean, I've heard stories of girls who make up fake boyfriends.

But you would never do something like that.

Would you?

No.

In fact, my totally real boyfriend Travis is coming to visit me.

Today.

Well, I can't wait to meet him.

Well, I can't wait for you to meet him.

I'll be relaxing and waiting in the lobby.

Great. I'll see you soon.

Great.

Great.

Great.

If we nail this audition, James, we're both going to be on Witches of Rodeo Drive.

We'll be a team.

Why are we the only actors here in costumes?

That, James, is because we have surrendered ourselves to the roles.

And they have not.

I think I have butterflies in my stomach.

Right behind my washboard abs.

Enough with the abs.

And don't be nervous.

I got a magic spell up my sleeve.

See, if you thought the baby powder bit was good, wait till they get a load of this puppy.

Camille?

Pooh.

Ding!

Nailed it.

James Diamond is next.

You don't have any expl*sives on you, do you?

No. Then come on in.

So just stand on the mark.

And let's begin.

Once I curse Chad with the zit of grimblezor, then I shall be homecoming warlock.

Laughs evilly.

Oh, uh, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Okay.

Uh, let's do it again, and this time just forget the words.

Just stand there and smile.

♪ You want to be famous ♪
♪ famous ♪
♪ you want to be the one who's living the life ♪

Well?

She said she'd let us know by 3:00.

I just know we're both going to get this one, James.

Witches of Rodeo Drive, here we come.

And now, back to the Palmwoods.

Zap!

James, are... are you coming or what?

Okay.

Time for the lobby test.

If you can make it through those front doors, you can make it into that girl's school.

How's it going?

Hey. Chillin'. You know, doing my thing.

Bleep-blap-bloop.

Okay, you failed the first test.

Try speaking a little higher.

Oh, right.

Got it.

Good. Yeah?

Now go.

Hoo.

Hey, g*ng. Hi.

Oh, hey, how you doing?

Oh, hey, girl. Love the shoes.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, what's up, Lightning?

Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Okay, enough with the staples.

These suits come out of my salary, and so do the staples.

Then tell me why you went into my son's apartment.

And where's my helmet?

Okay, somebody stole my bologna.

And I went into a few apartments to look for it, but I couldn't find it.

When was the bologna last seen?

This morning.

I wouldn't want this to get out, but there's been a stealing spree at the Palmwoods.

Someone stole a lava lamp from apartment 3B, a disco ball from the game room, and a bearskin rug from my office.

Hide me.

My mom wants me to be in a diaper commercial.

Tyler, where are you?

We're late.

He went that way!

Come here, kid.

I saw you go in my son's apartment.

Where's the helmet?

I don't know. I was hiding from my mom.

And your helmet was stolen?

My froggy slippers were stolen.

Well, if Tyler didn't do it and Mr. Bitters didn't do it, That only leaves one suspect.

Buddha Bob!

Proceed with caution.

Guys, some help here?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

We got you.

So sorry.

It's five minutes past 3:00.

When are they gonna call?

They'll call.

But remember, don't get upset if we don't get a role.

Another part of acting is conquering rejection.

Yes?

Really?

Got it.

Thanks.

You got the part?

No.

But see how well I handled the rejection?

Hello?

James?

Congratulations.

You got the part.

You're Memnock, the warlock with great abs.

Really? That's... too bad.

Bad?

Did you just hear me?

Well, thanks for calling.

Uh, my acting coach did say I need to learn to handle rejection.

Are you insane? I said you...

Darn it!

Oh! I didn't get the part either.

You didn't?

Look, don't feel bad.

I didn't get a part until my 32nd audition.

We'll get 'em next time, right?

You're right.

Of course I am.

And now this witch has to fly!

When did you set up wires in my apartment?

I did it this morning.

Oh, hi.

Thank you. Thank you.

She is so gorgeous.

Smart.

I mean she's really smart.

Now, let's start with the Pythagorean theorem, a ground-breaking equation, even though it was discovered by a boy.

I mean, just between us girls, it's a known fact boys are not as smart as girls.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Um, I don't think that's a, uh, very fair statement.

Because some boys are very smart.

Oh, please.

They are.

I have yet to meet one boy who fully understands my book.

Yeah? Well, um, hmm, that's crazy.

Because I understood it and...

I'm a boy.

Oh, yeah.

What do you girls think about that?

You like that? You like that?

So you don't like that.

Boy!

What? Where?

Because, um, I'm a girl, and boys are stupid.

Kendall.

I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend, who just got in from North Carolina, who loves basketball, and is not allergic to shellfish.

Well, it's very nice to meet you.

Trevor, right?

Right. Ha!

No, I'm Trenton.

Tralfaz. Trixie.

Travis!

Your name is Travis.

And you're fired.

Do I still get my 20 bucks?

Bye.

You set me up.

Well, you lied to me.

I didn't want a boyfriend.

Who says I wanted to be your boyfriend?

Because, frankly, I don't like dating girls who lie.

Well, I don't like dating boys who catch me in my lies and make me hire idiot actors.

Who can't remember their names.

Well, then, I guess we're done here.

I guess we are.

So do you want to go to the movies sometime?

Yeah, I'd like that.

I don't think I completely get the whole teenage dating thing.

I'm not sure I do either, baby sister.

But I like Buddha Bob.

Why don't we just ask him?

You better let me handle this, son.

He's armed and dangerous.

They're gardening shears.

I never trusted him.

Anything happens to me, I want you to have this.

But if nothing happens to me, I want it back.

I'm going in.

Ah!

Wah! Ah!

Dad!

I should have kept my helmet on.

Hey, where's my helmet?

And my bologna.

And my froggy slippers.

Wha...

And my portable electrified music-playing machine.

Your stereo?

Right.

Why, I've been robbed.

Lightning was in the video too.

Let's move out.

Stand back.

That's my bologna.

And my helmet.

Good work, son.

And bad dog.

I had such a crazy day.

Check it out.

I had the best time today.

You guys got to hear what happened.

You're not gonna believe what happened to me.

Okay, all right, guys.

So how do we decide who tells their story first?

Logan goes first.

Oh, she's fine. She's fine.