03x04 - A Truth Hug Walks Into A Bar

[bunniefuu]

Uh, where is he? Hey, hey, there he is! What's up buddy?

May I?

I can't believe this guy told my sister that I would sit at home with her tonight and watch "Rules of Engagement"

I cannot think of anything worse.

No offense.

Uh, offense taken...

[ Laughter ]

You can't take offense.

I specifically said no offense.

Anyway, do you always have to stick your nose in people's business?

Uh, hi, Danny. I'm Justin.

I thought we had met.

And I was excited to just chill by myself tonight, and again you had to go and Justin things.

"Justin things"? Does that mean making everything more romantic and put you into a dance spin every time you touch his shoulder?

Whooo!

Hey man...

I know you think you look cool right now, but I can see your tiny little T-Rex arm starting to shake.

Oh, please. I'm fine.

Justin, can I go up? Can I go up?

Uh, yeah, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Listen, man, just so you know to "Justin things" means to take something and completely ruin it.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah, yeah, that's what that means. To Justin things means to take something and completely ruin it, okay?

Oh, bloody hell! I spilled ketchup and Justined my pants!

What's, uh, Danny mean?

I'm glad you asked what Danny means. You know, its actually... It's kind of inexplicable. You know what I mean?

Uh, it's more of a positive energy type thing, uh, have you seen the "Star Wars" trailer? They replaced with the force with the Danny.

That would never happen!

I saw a black storm trooper in that trailer so anything's possible.

You know what? I'll define Danny.

Now, jerk! Verb: jerk!

As in you're jerking me, you're jerking your friends and you're jerking everyone!

Sounds like a busy night.

[Theme music]

Hey, Justin. How are you doing?

Oh, not that great. Last night while I was in bed with Candace I accidentally called her "Danny."

What? They sound the same.

Hey, man. No, they don't and why would you share that with us?

Well, I couldn't help it.

Shelly's hugs are so loving that you can't help, but be truthful.

Yeah, uh, there's no search thing as a truth hug, okay?

Oh, really. Danny, what's your biggest regret in life?

Uh, that's easy. I don't have one.

[Whistles]

Tell me.

I wish I slept with Whitney Cummings in real life.

Anyway, man, bathroom's all yours.

I left your favorite rubber ducky in there for you.

Danny, please. I don't have a favorite rubber ducky.

They're all my children.

Is that the third night in a row that Shelly's stayed here? Is there something going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's with the third degree?

Why don't you back off, ese?

Why don't you back off?

Tell her to back off.

Relax!

And than say ese.

Shhh!

Excuse me?

Shhh-sh-sh-sh!

Look, whenever Danny gets defensive it's usually because he's hiding a secret. You know something juicy, don't you?

And I'm going to get it out of you.

Ooh!

Juice him, baby, juice him good.

What are you going to do?

Oh no, don't sing a song.

Oh, I won't sing. I won't sing a song. But I will sing "Everything I Do" like at the Broadway musical.

You wouldn't dare.

♪ Yes, I would ♪

"Candace can you help me find my phone ♪
♪ Justin, it's on the couch ♪
♪ where you always leave it ♪

Okay, you guys are idiots and I'm just gonna...

I'm going to read the paper and ignore you, okay?

♪ I'll just hover above you and see what you're pretending to read ♪
♪ Marco Rubio. Look! Donald Tr*mp is building a wall. ♪

All right, dude. I'm going to put the paper down and sing what I'm doing:

♪ I'm about to pick up the controller ♪
♪ of the video game ♪

No, that's my controller...

[Continues singing in opera style]

And I'm getting ready to --

Don't open it, and now you...

♪ have to eat them all! ♪

Stop! Stop!

♪ I love cars ♪

Put them down!

You, you tell me what's going on with Shelly or I'm going to rip out your chest hair for real.

Okay, okay. Easy, easy...

Let it go!

Are you guys okay?

All right, look. I'll tell you what's going on, all right?

Shelly's mom lost her job so he's got to cover her rent, okay?

So he can't have his place anymore because it's too expensive, so he moved in with his mom and he's all bummed about living with his mom and he asked to stay here, and I told him look, it's, it's, it's... okay.

I stayed with a mom once, and granted it wasn't my mom and so things got very sexual.

Dude! We have to help him.

No, we're not. We're not going to help him. Okay? Because, he made me promise that I wouldn't tell you. He's very embarrassed, alright?

So don't get weird, don't get emotional because then he'll know I told you and he'll be upset. Okay?

I can control my emotions.

Get off the counter.

I'm like Spider-Man.

Before my bath would anyone like some tea?

I love tea. You're a good friend, aren't you, Shel?

You're a good, good friend.

Get out of here, little guy.

Oh, is that a puppy?

Yeah.

Cute, right? I want to make sure you know if you accidentally scroll in either direction you will see a penis Why do you always have to Burski everything and that makes it gross and penisy.

So, figured out what everybody’s names mean.

To Leslie is to guzzle an entire bottle of wine in one sitting.

And to Candace is to overuse the phrase "Leslie, you have a problem"

Hahahaha So what about Bretting?

What's Bretting?

Uh...

Maybe Bretting is to be in worse shape than most gay guys?

I don't love it. Come on, guys.

Think of something.

I don't understand -- why is this such a big deal to you?

Because you should know me by now!

Do you guys think I'm just a random gay British dude who is randomly tending bar in Detroit and no one's randomly for some reason that no-one's ever explained It's like, it's like you guys can't even see me!

Guys -- Shel's coming!

Come on!

*** Candace's old bedroom upstairs.

How the hell are we going to trick him to go upstairs to see it?

You boozy clown, let me handle it.

Hey, Shelly! Can you do me a favor and help me clear up old trash upstairs?

It shouldn't take long. It's just lots of candy and magazines about butts.

You called the right man for the job.

Hey, uh, why is Shelly going up there?

Because we tricked him into seeing his new room.

What the hell? Hold on, you told everyone?

No. I became a completely different person and kept it to myself.

Come on, Daniel.

Let's keep this thing moving.

Relax, we have a plan.

You see, you see, when Shelly comes down I will casually mention that last night the bar was robbed. Ohhh! And then Leslie and Brett are in charge of being in shock.

Oh, my God! ***

And then my line is: if somebody was staying upstairs none of this would have ever happened.

Alright, but we're not going to do it like that, right?

We talked about the arms? Anyway, doesn't matter.

Point is, I'll say what a great idea, honey, someone should live upstairs and we will do a quick kiss.

And then Leslie and I will kiss.

But we won't.

And I'll say: Can anybody stay at the bar and protect it by by crashing here for a while? And what does everyone say?

Uh No...

And then Leslie and I will kiss.

And that prompts, Shelly volunteers, he has a home and he's none the wiser!

Okay well, uh, unfortunately, you forgot about the little monkey wrench in your plan.

[Monkey noise]

Danny, do you think a monkey wrench is just a monkey holding a wrench?

Yeah. He just goes around and unscrews everybody's plans.

Anyway, look, Shelly doesn't want charity, okay? You're not doing this.

Fine. We won't offer the room.

Because you're going to do it.

Okay and why the hell would I do that, huh?

Because I've changed you.

You see, you care about the people in your life now.

Go ahead and make that shocked face.

Just know this, Daniel Radcliffe Burton None of us are going to help Shelly.

His happiness is all on you.

Well, it looks like my evening's presented itself.

You guys all have a good night.

But, uh...

Something on your mind, Danny?

Uh, no, I just... uh... Justin's bar got robbed and he wants someone to stay upstairs and look over the place so it won't happen again. Can anyone do it?

[All] No.

Oh, that's too bad Shelly, can you do it?

I mean I guess I could. As a favor to you, of course.

All right. I'll get settled in.

Look, you helped a friend in need.

You know what that makes you? A friend, indeed.

You know what? I'm actually tired of all this monkey business... [Monkey noises]

What the hell is he doing?

I believe that is a monkey conducting business.

People of Detroit! It is bed-time.

I'm about to consume this edible and have some crazy dreams.

Please finish your drink and decide if you're going to have hot sex with the person you're talking to.

Always use condoms.

Go Lions.

See, it's all working out, Danny.

Hey, boys, before I go to bed I have a couple of questions about the robbery, if you don't mind.

Oh, ha! He knows. Ha!

He doesn't know the truth!

Oh! Ha! Oooh!

The truth about what?

What, uh Oh, uh, dammit! The truth about teen pregnancy.

Isn't that right? It's a big deal.

Yeah, uh, it's a huge deal. That's right.

Yeah. Babies born to adolescents has dropped since reaching an all-time high in 1990, but it's still a complex issue that everybody is kind of alarmed about. You know?

Research shows knowledge-based programs help decrease teen pregnancy rate, but abstinence only without education and birth control does not. So...

***

Follow my lead, all right?

Okay.

That's what we're going to do. You take the lead and I'm gonna say whatever you say. We've got this.

I'm amazing at this.

So, boys...

Yeah, sitting down.

So, yeah.

Tell me how this whole robbery went down.

It's very kind of simple.

Simple yeah, Closed up, the robber broke in.

He closed up and the robber came in and everything was gone.

And he was like what? Where is it you know?

The police showed up and said we're the police!

And they said there was a slim chance of catching this guy.

A guy named Slim. Whoops, wasn't a guy named Slim, sorry.

That's funny and just a slim chance of catching him, but they did say if we had somebody living upstairs -- and the cops were, like -- if there were someone up there it probably wouldn't happen again.

So anyway...

So that's what happened.

Yeah.

I don't know.

You guys are acting a little weird.

I want to ask you all one question, and I want you all to answer.

This policeman.

What did he look like?

[Indiscernible overlapping chatter]

Guys! Guys!

I've heard all I need to hear, and it all checks out.

Does it, Shel?

Yeah. Of course, I trust you guys.

Bring it in, Justin.

Haha Wait a minute, he's going for a truth hug! Everyone!

He's got Candace!

Pray for me... (***)

Candace, was there no robbery, was there?

You all made it up.

No, Shel, we were just trying to help you out! Oh!

I can't believe you two. You guys made me look like a damn fool!

All right, come on, Shelly. You don't have to move out.

Yes, I do. You violated my trust and you turned me into a charity case.

I'm sorry, but throwing a huge Teddy bear at me is not going to hurt me, okay?

Was that my computer?

How am I supposed to look any of you in the eyes again? Anyone have an answer to that?

Anyone?

I made this.

Shelly, we were just trying to help you, man.

You don't understand, Danny.

My dad was a taker, all right? He took from everybody, friends, family, me. The best gift I ever got were two tickets to Wrestlemania and he took them and he scalped them.

You shouldn't do that to a kid.

Oh, I was 26.

That's not the point. The point is I promised I would never be a charity case like him and that's why I don't need anybody's help.

Look, uh, we all understand that, but the problem is you let this guy in your life, okay?

What he does is he changes things, right?

He changed me into a guy that cares about his friend, and I hate him for that.

To be totally honest I'm a little upset with you for Bretting the situation.

Bretting?

What is it?

It means to take a minor issue like nicknames and having your friends stay with you and turn it into an emotional mess like a 13-year-old girl.

I love it.

The bottom line is you always help us out and now it's your turn.

That doesn't make you a charity case.

That makes you one of us.

Yeah, man.

You either let your pride get in the way or you don't.

I'm sorry, guys.

I just don't want the room, okay?

Really? I thought you might say that, Hey, Shel, you want to know why people tell the truth in your hugs?

Because you're so loving they can't help, but do it.

See how you like it. Come on, guys.

Danny, you have to get in on this, too.

Oh, come on! Fine!

Now tell the truth. Tell the truth.

Do you really not want the room or are you too stubborn and embarrassed to take it?

Oh, yes. I'm being too stubborn.

Okay, fine, and if you just go up there and stay up there and if we promise not to mention it would that be cool with you?

Yes, I will.

Are you copping a feel of my butt with your hand?

Oh, you better believe it.

Whose butt am I squeezing?

Don't worry about it.

Well, I guess I'll just gather my things and head on up to my room.

And guys, thank you for being such good friends.

So you guys want to hang around and drink for a little bit or should we leave before mom starts to cry?

When I look around this room at the people growing and changing together, I know you see it too.

Come on.

All right.

See you guys later!

See you!

Bye!