01x02 - Young & Ringless

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hurry up, Gabi. It's your first day, you can't be late.

I know, I know, I'm freaking out. I can't find the right outfit.

I need something that makes me look professional, capable..

And like I didn't sleep with my boss...

[Laughs]

Well, we know he likes you in that.

Will you just help me, please?

Okay, look, it's very simple.

He's engaged, so from now on, you're gonna have to wear clothes.

I know that!

Did you work out?

Yes.

I jogged to the car dealership for free donuts, to bank for free coffee.

And to the coffee shop for free toilet paper.

Ooh, hey, that's like two miles.

You totally won't have to sneak into the gym later.

Oh man!

This cost five bucks!

Gabi, get it together.

Today is the first day of your dream job, okay?

It's a stepping stone to one day being a modern, blonder, way-hotter Julia Child.

So I say this from the bottom of my heart: Don't screw it up.

Is that the toilet flushing or my self-confidence going down the drain?

It's the toilet.

I called the landlord three times.

And if you want confidence, you're gonna need to power pose.

Power what-now?

It's where you stand like this.

You put your hands on your hips and say, "I got this!"

I got this?

Okay, it's not a question.

Say it like you mean it, like your job and paying our electric bill depend on it.

I got this!

Attagirl.

Ah.

(Theme music playing)

Good morning, Yolanda.

♪ First day, time to cook away ♪

All righty.

What do I start with?

Picking those up.

I'm Josh's housekeeper, not yours.

Sorry.

♪ First day, I messed up already ♪

[Laughs]

And if you want to stay on my good side... and you do...

Keep your things in the laundry room, the kitchen clean and please, stop singing.

Well well well. Look who's back.

Did you have sex with anybody in the elevator on the way up?

I was hoping we could just have a fresh start and just never talk about that ever again.

Aww. No.

Elliot, can't you just pretend to like me?

I stopped pretending to like girls in high school.

Don't pay attention to him.

He's pissy because they discontinued his favorite Khakis at the Baby Gap.

Here's Josh and Caroline's breakfast order.

Okay. (Mouths)

Gabi, chop chop.

Yolanda, mop mop.

Okay, "pancakes, bacon".

Um, how does Josh like his eggs?

Like you. Over easy.

Oh, and one tiny little thing.

For dinner tonight, you need to prepare an authentic Chinese meal for four investors flying in from Shanghai.

No pressure, but it does have to be perfect.

Your resume did say you were familiar with Guangzhou-style cooking.

It did?

(Laughs) I mean, it did.

(Laughs) Don't worry, Elliot.

(Coughs) I got this.

What the hell is Guangzhou-style cooking?

It's so big.

Really?

I was worried about the size.

I'm putting it on Instagram so all my friends can see it.

(Camera clicks) (Giggles)

I love my new ring so much.

(Sighs)

And you.

(Giggles)

Oh, don't forget.

Tonight I'm hosting that business dinner.

I cannot wait to introduce you as my fiancee.

Oh, sweetie. About that, um...

You're gonna be there, right?

Absolutely... in spirit. (Nervous chuckle)

Listen, honey, I'm going out with my friends to show off my gorgeous new ring from my gorgeous new fiance.

You understand, right?

Fine.

Why do you have to be so pretty?

(Giggles) I love you so much.

I'm gonna miss you while I'm in the shower.

(Baby voice) And I love you.

I was talking to my ring.

'Cause you I'm taking with me.

Oh yeah?

(Giggles)

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Josh...

Uh, Mr. Kaminski.

Boss Kaminski.

(Stutters) I'm sorry, I don't know what to call you.

Some people call me Kick-ass Kaminski.

Nobody calls you that.

They would if you didn't sh**t it down all the time.

Josh is fine.

Okay.

Welcome to your first official day.

Oh, thanks. Glad to be here.

Here's your first official meal.

Oh, nice.

You made my initials out of bacon.

Yeah, you know, I was gonna spell your whole name, but I didn't want to give you your first official heart att*ck.

Um, so we're good, right?

Good? Oh! Oh, yeah yeah yeah, we're great.

You know, what happened between us at the test dinner was just like a silly drunken mistake that, you know, thanks to the alcohol I just hardly remember.

But what I'm trying to say is I really don't think of you in, like, a sexy or, like, a hot way.

You know, I really just think of you in, like, a totally professional way.

I was talking about dinner.

Yeah, so was I.

(Laughs)

I think of tonight's dinner in, like, a totally professional way.

Turned that right around.

Caroline.

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Gluten-free muffin I just... bakey.

Beautiful breakfast tray for a room I am completely unfamiliar with.

Oh sh**t.

Get it together, Gabi.

You got this.

I got this!

You got what?

(Screams)

(Nervous stutters) I got, uh, this!

Your breakfast, Milady.

Okay, breakfast is served.

Thank God it's the most important meal of the day because tonight's dinner is going to be a bitch!

Okay, I need button mushrooms, sterauce, ginger, catfish, two ducks, and a wok.

Eh, I don't think you have time for a walk if you got to get all that stuff.

I just wish I'd had a tad more notice!

And been a tad more truthful on resume.

Stop worrying. You are a good cook.

You are going to nail this and be around here for a long long time.

(Caroline screams)

Caroline, what's wrong?

My ring's missing.

And that little cook girl stole it.

Oh, you're so fired.

♪
♪

Caroline, I'm sure Gabi didn't take your ring.

But, Juju, she was looking guilty in the bedroom saying, "I got this".

No, no, no, no.

That's because you caught me in the middle of my power pose.

It helps me with my confidence.

Not so much now.

Damn, I never thought I'd see the day when a white girl gets fingered before the black housekeeper. (Laughs)

All right, look, there's got to be another explanation.

I totally trust my staff.

Oh, that's what I love about you, Juju.

You think everyone's so good and honest.

I do.

I don't.

I agree with Caroline.

Gabi isn't a cook, she's a crook.

(Gabi and Elliot argue)

Okay, look.

(Overlapping shouts)

Everyone... everyone relax.

I have the entire penthouse wired with security cameras.

We can just go to the manager's office and get the footage.

We can?

Yes.

Oh, Juju. Let's go.

(Door opens)

Oh my God.

(Door closes)

Worst first day ever.

You know I didn't steal that ring, right, Yolanda?

Of course you didn't. You're innocent.

Huh?

And watching that security tape is a huge invasion of privacy. We should stop them.

Elliot, why are you suddenly on my side?

'Cause it's not fair.

And why do you have a sweat mustache?

Why do you have a real mustache?

And why are you wearing an oven mitt?

(Gasps)

I didn't see that coming.

(Sighs)

I couldn't help myself.

I saw it on the nightstand and I had to try it on.

(Sighs)

Now it's stuck. And I'm going to get fired.

This is the best job I've ever had.

All right, don't worry. We'll help you get it off.

Wait wait wait. Hold up, Gabi. First, Elliot, you got to beg.

Oh, that's really not necessary.

Please!

(Cries) I'll do anything you want!

Come on, he needs us.

Oh.

Thank you, Gabi, I've always liked you best.

Um...

Your finger's really swollen.

Oh, I got something that can shrink things in a jiffy.

Is it a picture of you naked?

I'm sorry. It's a reflex.

No, I was talking about hemorrhoid cream.

Now hold still while I put it on.

Hemorrhoid cream?!

You want that ring off?

(Sighs) Fine!

Ah! Ah!

On your finger, fool.

Juju, when we watch this footage and you see that little cook girl stealing my ring, you're not gonna get all violent, are you?

(Chuckles) No.

Are you?

(Elevator dings)

It doesn't even matter. She didn't take anything.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Did you do a backgroud check?

I can assure you, I checked her out...

Very thoroughly.

We're back.

Oh, there you are.

Look who it is!

Kick-ass Kaminski!

Ooh, good news you two. Look what I found.

(Gasps) My God!

I love you. I love you.

Thank you.

Where did you find it?

In a bag of hot air.

The vacuum cleaner.

I checked it, and bam, there it was.

(Fake laugh)

Do you believe it?

Do you believe it?

Of course.

See, Caroline. I told you. My staff is...

I don't remember dropping it on the floor.

Well, I don't remember the exact moment that I realized that you were the world's most beautiful woman...

But you are.

Good point.

Sweetie, isn't there something you should say to Gabi?

Yes.

Thank you for finding my ring, Gabi.

I'm Gabi.

Oh.

I'm sorry I accused you of stealing, but you were acting like you were hiding something in the bedroom.

Well, I wasn't...

Hiding anything.

(Laughs) Especially in your bedroom.

The important thing is you got your ring back.

Yeah, and that I didn't steal it.

I mean, I get why you think that I would.

I'm totally in debt and I could live off that ring for like 5, 6, 20 years.

But, you know, I'm not stupid.

If I wanted to steal something, I would take something you wouldn't notice, like one of the 10 laptops you guys just leave around!

Josh?

Yo!

She's so nervous.

Listen to her babble.

She's definitely hiding something.

No no, I'm not hiding anything.

I just babble. I'm a natural-born babbler.

My parents should have named me Brooke.

(Loud laughing)

She said Brooke. (Laughs)

I mean, you should have seen me when I was here last week for the test dinner. I just couldn't stop...

That's right. You were here last week.

Call the manager back.

I want to see all the security footage from the minute she walked into this house.

(Laughs) That is so not necessary.

I want to find out what else she's put her dirty little hands on.

Hmm, you two are so fired.

That must be the manager with the rest of the footage.

Someone order a massage?

Yes, for Caroline, because she's having such a stressful day.

Juju, that is so thoughtful of you.

(Giggles)

I like it hard, deep and no eye-contact.

I just bought myself 90 minutes to watch this footage and edit out anything Caroline doesn't need to see.

Oh, you are Kick-ass Kaminski.

Hell yeah, I am.

Owwie! Toe cramp! Toe cramp!

Hey, are you busy?

Yeah, having a panic att*ck.

Come on in and shut the door.

Um, I was just calling to see if there was anything else I could do before I throw myself off the balcony.

Well, you actually might not have to.

Look at the footage from the bedroom.

The camera just focuses on the dresser.

Oh, well, as long as it doesn't focus on the un-dresser. (Laughs)

Let's just fast forward from the top and see what we got.

Okay.

Okay, that's us eating on the terrace.

Caroline wouldn't mind that.

There's us drinking and moving to the couch.

She might mind that.

There's my top flying into the champagne bucket.

She is so gonna mind that.

(Door opens)

Caroline: Juju!

Are you in here?

Hey, I thought you were getting a massage.

No, I couldn't relax.

The Masseur was wearing brown shoes and a black belt.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I...

I thought I'd keep an eye on her while I was going over the footage.

Yeah.

So smart, Juju.

Let's play the tape.

You know what? I already did.

And I watched it from the top, and no one stole anything.

Except you with my heart.

(Giggles)

Aww, so sweet.

I want to see for myself.

Caroline, no!

Excuse me?

Let me ask you a question: Do you love me?

More than anythin...

Good!

And I love you too, but if we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together, you better start learning how to trust me.

I watched the tape and no one stole anything.

But...

But nothing!

End of discussion. Forget the damn tape!

Juju.

I've never seen you like this.

You're so mean and demanding.

I love it.

Both: You do?

Yes.

Good, 'cause there's more.

Tell me, big boy.

You're coming to dinner tonight!

You're gonna meet those Chinese investors and you are gonna love it!

Damn right I am.

God, I want you so bad right now.

(Both moan)

Uh...

(Coughs)

S-so is it like... is it cool if I go?

(Knocking)

Hey.

Hi, went to Chinatown and got the rest of the stuff you need.

I also bought some illegal fireworks.

Yeah yeah, uh-huh.

That's what we need around here, more fireworks!

Man, I got to hustle.

I'm in so over my head with this dinner and everything!

(Gabi pants)

Uh...

What are you doing?

Oh, to make it crispy you have to pump air between the skin and the meat.

Are you freaking kidding me?

No no, I saw it on "Iron Chef".

Oh, and a "Looney Tunes Cartoon".

No I'm talking about this sweet view!

Will you take a photo of me out here?

Are you listening to me?

Today has been the worst day ever.

Elliot gave me this impossible dinner to make.

Caroline thinks I'm a thief.

And I know I shouldn't have a crush on my boss and I pretty much don't, but then he defended me to his fiancee, and... oh!

And then they started doing it on the desk.

(Hair hisses)

Damn it!

(Wheezy inhale)

Okay, don't cry.

It's just a duck.

Look how high we are.

We can just reach out the window and grab another one.

Uh, Sofia, it's not just the duck.

(Blows)

Five-second rule.

(Blowing)

Okay, I get that you're freaking out.

Do you really? Because today is just the first day, okay?

What happens on the second or the third, you know?!

Tonight he's having guys here from China.

And do you know how many countries there are?

And how many lies there are on my resume?

Sofia, I can't do this job.

That's not true.

What you can't do is manage your money, get your car to work, pick a decent boyfriend.

Wait! This is the opposite of cheering me up!

Okay, not done yet!

What you can do and what you do better than anyone else I know is cook your ass off.

My duck was on the floor.

Good evening, everyone. For dinner tonight we have a whole catfish prepared in the style of the Fujian Province.

I hope you find it Fujian amazing.

(Chuckling)

"Fujian amazing," that's good.

I don't get it, but I'm having a really good time.

Okay, next, we have a dish I like to call "Falling Duck"...

(Giggles)

With a spicy Szechuan Pickled Cabbage.

Okay, tough crowd.

And lastly, I figured you might be kind of sick of Chinese food, or as you call it, "food."

So I made my famous Spaghetti and Meatballs.

(Happy sighs)

(All clapping)

Thank God! I am sick of Chinese food.

(Chuckles) Seriously?

Well, if you like this, then you're gonna love dessert.

Please say apple pie.

Apple pie!

(Cheers)

Apple pie!

They like it. (Laughs)

Oh good, I caught you.

The spaghetti and meatballs, that was stroke of genius.

Yeah, well, I almost had a stroke making it.

It completely changed the mood in there.

I mean, they're finally talking about something other than work. (Sighs)

It turns out Mr. Lee's a scorpio.

(Laughs) And how cute was it when he and Mr. Wang ate my spaghetti "Lady and the Tramp" style?

Adorable.

(Laughs)

So we're good?

Well, now, yeah.

I mean, it was a pretty close call with the ring and Caroline and that tape.

And to be honest I wasn't sure if you were gonna be able to pull off this dinner, but you did, like a rock star.

I'm proud of you.

Um, I meant am I good to go home?

(Laughs)

Oh.

Absolutely.

Cool.

See you tomorrow, Chef.

See you tomorrow, boss.

(Elevator dings)

Ooh.

I got this!

Oh, the button.

(Elevator dings)

You're all here, because I found something on the security footage that we should all see.

(Laughing) Marriage?

Well, I hadn't thought about it, but yes yes yes!

I love you! I love you! I love you!

(Laughs)

Aww.

We love you too, bud.

I was talking to the ring.